Sophie's Journal
by P.T Kraj
Summary: This is the journal of Sophie Singer, the daughter of Bobby Singer. Read her story about growing up with Bobby and the Winchesters. There is romance, demons, action, and much more. Start reading it now and soon you'll be begging for more.
1. Years 2000 and 2001

Sophie's Journal

Description: This is the journal of Sophie Singer, the daughter of demon hunter Bobby Singer. She thought she was living a normal life until she found out that a demon killed her biological parents when she was an infant. John Winchester saved her life and Bobby raised her as his daughter. Shortly after finding out the truth her life becomes one long roller coaster ride. Her journal is full of romance, suspense, and drama and it all begins when she finally meets the Winchesters.

Note: Comments and suggestions are encouraged. Every suggestion will be taken seriously. So please if you like the story, or don't like the story, let me know what I can do to make it better.

Thank you for reading.

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Aug 8, 2000

This is my very first journal entry. My father came up with the idea. He says that a journal is a great place for a person to let out their true feelings and thoughts. He also said that it is fun later on to read these journal entries and recall moments in your life you may not have remembered if you didn't have the journal. At first I wasn't really sure that I wanted to keep a journal, but when my father showed me the one he bought me I thought it wouldn't be so bad. This is such a beautiful journal; I just need to find a place to hide it from my father because I have a feeling that he is going to be looking for it so he can get the dirt on my life. I'm not really sure what to write about. Let's start with some background information about myself.

My name is Sophie Singer. I'm 15 years old and a sophomore in high school. My parents' names are Bobby and Karen. I've never met my mother because she passed away when I was an infant. All I have is a picture of her.

My father and I live in a small town just outside of Sioux Falls, South Dakota. There isn't much to do here besides drink down by the lake. Our house doubles as my father's business. He owns and operates Singer's Salvage Yard. He loves cars and has passed that trait down to me. Since I can remember I have learned everything one needs to know about cars from my daddy.

Our house is also like a hotel for my father's friends. They come to our house stay for a few nights and then leave. There are a lot of interesting characters that come over to our house. One man in particular comes over quite a bit. His name is John Winchester. He has two sons, Sam and Dean. Dean looks to be about five years older than me and Sam isn't much older than me. We have never been formally introduced, but that is because I go up into my room to do my homework or to read. I have ventured downstairs to the kitchen a few times while my father and John talk. I listen now and then to what they are talking about. They talk about the weirdest stuff, stuff that you would hear about on like "Buffy," but not in real life. Stuff that sounds like crazy talk when not on those shows. They talk about ghosts and demons. I even heard them mention the hookman once.

Oct 18, 2000

My father has made it his responsibility to train me for, well I'm not really sure what. Every other day we have shooting practice in the backyard. He also teaches me self-defense. I try to get out of them by saying that I have homework to do, but he doesn't buy it sometimes. He can tell when I'm lying or something.

Nov 30, 2000

Happy Thanksgiving!

I have finally been formally introduced to John and his sons. My father invited them over for Thanksgiving dinner. Dean, the older of the two, is pretty good looking, but he knows he is, which is a major turn off. He is a whack job. He is 21 years old and has no plans of ever going to college. He says that his job is, get this, fighting evil. Not like fighting crime on the streets, but like killing evil spirits and demons and all other supernatural creatures. He is going to be mighty disappointed when he finds out that his job doesn't really exist and that it is all in his imagination. He tried to tell me a story about a rawhead, or something like that, that he and his father hunted. I just nodded along thinking about how much help this guy needed. His brother, Sam is the normal one of the family, kind of like the blond chick from the Munsters.

Sam is about 6'1" and is not done growing yet; he is also very good looking. He is 17 and really wants to go to college when he is done with high school. His first choice is Stanford. John isn't really too keen on the idea of Sam going off to school. From what Sam told me John basically forbids him from going off to school. It really didn't make much sense to me. Why would a parent disapprove of their kid going off to college? That is the Winchesters for you.

Feb 3, 2001

John came to visit today. His sons were not with him. He said they were in a motel in Michigan. I could tell by the way he was looking at me that he really didn't want to talk to me. He was here to talk to my father, as usual. He said it was urgent. Once my father entered the room John asked me to leave. I left immediately. I could really care less what they had to talk about. I had homework to do anyways.

After about a half hour of doing homework I decided to go down to the kitchen to get a glass of water; I fully regret this decision now. Now my life is totally and completely confusing. I am not being a drama queen I am telling the truth.

As I went downstairs to get some water I heard John mention my name. This really interested me because they don't usually talk about me. At first I thought maybe John was just asking how I was doing, but then he told my father that he had found some answers about my parents' killer. I should have continued to listen after he said that, but my mind started going crazy with questions. Questions like: What did he mean my parents' killer? Shouldn't he have said mother's killer?

After these questions went through my mind I realized that I stopped listening and decided to start listening to them again, but I was completely lost as to what they were talking about. John was talking about a demon that he was close to getting some information on. He started talking about how this thing killed Mary and he wanted it dead as soon as possible. Why was he talking about a demon? What had killed my mother? Was it this demon that also killed Mary, Sam and Dean's mother? A demon? Yeah right, that's a little far-fetched. But John had pluralized parent. Which means that both my parents would be dead. Does that mean that Bobby isn't my real father?

Feb 4, 2001

I confronted my father, or should I say, who I thought was my father. Ever since I heard the truth yesterday I couldn't stop wondering if it was true. I had to find out. This is what I get for eavesdropping. There wasn't really a point to going to school today because I didn't pay attention to a single word any of my teachers said. I just sat in the classroom going over the conversation between my father and John Winchester again and again. I kept thinking maybe I heard him wrong. Why would my father lie to me all these years?

As soon as I got home I decided I would make my father sit down so I could find out the truth. I knew he would be upset with me for eavesdropping, but I had even more reason to be pissed. When I got home my father was in the shed working on a customer's car. Once I walked in he could tell something was wrong. I told him that I needed to talk to him. He continued working on the car and asked me what was on my mind. I wanted his undivided attention, but he was focused on working on the car. I stared at the car gathering my thoughts. I wasn't sure how to approach the topic. My father continued working on the car waiting for me to say something.

I took a deep breath and told him that I heard his conversation with John Winchester last night. At first he didn't realize why that was such a big deal until he remembered what they discussed. I asked him if everything John said was true. He nodded and said that Mary Winchester was killed by a demon and John was trying to track it down. That wasn't what I meant. I rephrased the question and asked him if it was true that the same demon killed my parents. His eyes narrowed and he told me that it wasn't good to listen to private conversations. There was a reason they were private. I was going to apologize, but then I remembered he was the one that needed to apologize.

By his reaction I knew that it was true. I continued to ask him if he wasn't my biological father. He didn't answer the question, but muttered under his breath that he was afraid this day would come. He knew one day I would find out the truth and want answers. I shrugged my shoulders and told him that he shouldn't have kept it from me to begin with. I wanted to know the truth about my parents.

Bobby suggested we move into the house because he needed a drink. We moved to his office and he pulled out a bottle of whiskey from his desk drawer. I knew this was tough for him since I rarely saw him drink. He took a few sips and then told me about my parents' death. I was about six months old when my parents, Kurt and Victoria Coltan, died in a house fire. John Winchester happened to be walking by the house when it caught fire and got me out in time. He couldn't get to my parents, but he saved me at least. Bobby was the closest hunter to John at the time so he brought me over until he could find me a home. He didn't realize at the time that he raise me. He thought it was a temporary solution. After a few weeks of having me in his home he fell in love with me. He told John that he would adopt me.

I couldn't believe what he had told me. For the past fifteen, almost sixteen, years I have believed that Bobby Singer was my biological father. I had to find out the truth by eavesdropping. I had to know why he kept it from me. There are several kids in my high school that were adopted and have known their entire lives. It's not like it is uncommon around here. He said he was protecting me from the truth. The truth was more than I could handle and he loved me too much. If he really loved me he would've told me the truth. After he said that I stood up out of anger and asked him what he was protecting me from? This so called demon that killed me parents? I still didn't believe that part of the story. What proof did John have that it was a demon? I stormed off and went to my room to hide.

Feb 8, 2001

I haven't talked to my father since he told me the truth. I have just been sitting in my room. The only time I leave my room is to either go to the bathroom or when I leave for school. He's tried talking to me, but I don't want to hear it. He keeps saying how he was trying to protect me. I know that was probably his original intentions, but eventually I think he was afraid to tell me. He was afraid that he would lose me as his daughter. I think if he would've told me himself I would've reacted differently. The fact that I had to hear the truth the one time I was nosy is what bothers me. How long would it have been until he told me? Would I have gone my entire life thinking he was my real father? What if I got really sick and needed blood immediately from a family member? Or vice versa. Is that what it would've taken to find out the truth?

I still love Bobby. He will always be the man who raised me. However, right now I think I have every right to be upset with him. All the trust I had in him is gone. Whenever I look at him I am filled with disappointment. How could I not have seen it before? I don't look anything like him or the woman he claimed was my mother. I thought that there had to be a relative that I got my dark hair from. There were times when I would stare at the picture of my "mother" and look for similar features. Now I know why I couldn't find any.

March 4, 2001

Happy birthday to me! Things haven't changed much since my last entry. Bobby keeps trying to tell me that what John said about my parents is true, but now I'm just thinking he's crazy. Demons don't exist. John is probably just trying to come up with some sort of reasoning for his wife's death. I went to the library and looked up what happened that night. It says that it was an electrical fire. The fire started in Sam's nursery and then spread throughout the rest of the house. I'll let him and my father believe whatever they want if that makes them feel better.

March 17, 2001

I've been having these dreams, these nightmares if you will. I can't really explain them. They're basically the same every night. I'm an infant in my crib, and whom I am guessing is, my mother is saying goodnight to me. But the point of view is as if I am a bystander watching from the sidelines. My mother leans down and gives me a kiss on the forehead. Then my father comes in and kisses me goodnight. After about five minutes a strange man enters my room. He leans over my crib like he is trying to tell me something. My mother comes in the room wondering what is going on. I don't really know how, but all of a sudden my mother is on the ceiling bleeding from the stomach area. My father then comes in wondering what all the commotion is about. He then sees my mother on the ceiling. He starts screaming frantically not knowing what to do. Then my mother bursts into flames and my father stands dumbfounded.

That is about where the dream ends. I've had it almost every night for the past two weeks. The dream feels so real. Every time the fire starts I can feel the heat of the flames on my face. What does it mean? Is that really what happened to my parents? How would I be able to remember something like that? I was too young to remember. Who was that man standing over my bed? Was it really a man or was it a demon like Bobby and John said? If I want answers I will have to ask the man who witnessed my parents' death, John Winchester.

Apr 10, 2001

I will finally get the answers to my questions. John will be coming over tomorrow. He has been working a job and is finally done. The nightmares haven't stopped. I haven't told anyone about them. I just told Bobby that I wanted to talk to John about my parents.

Apr 11, 2001

I don't know what to think anymore. I thought this meeting with John would help me understand what happened to my parents, but it made matters worse. When I told John about my dreams he looked shocked. I described the dream in complete detail from my mother on the ceiling to the heat of the flames from the fire. He didn't really know what to say. That right there told me that was what happened to my parents. He didn't even need to confirm it now.

After a couple of minutes he opened up and told me the truth. He explained that this demon was very powerful, but once he found its weakness he was going to kill it for Mary and my parents. I asked him how he knew to come to my house and save me. He admitted that he really was just driving by my house when it caught on fire. He pulled over as soon as he saw the flames and got out of his car. When he looked in my bedroom window he saw the demon looking out at him. His eyes were glowing yellow. He ran into my house to confront the demon, but when he got there he was gone and he heard me crying in my crib. It was the strangest thing, everything in my room was on fire but my crib. If he didn't know any better he would think that the demon wanted me alive. He doesn't believe it was coincidence that he was in my hometown on a hunt when the demon attacked, but he had no idea that the demon was going to kill my parents. If he had known he would've tried to save them too.

Soon after that he left saying Dean and Sam were waiting for him at the motel room. Now I have so many questions. I guess this means that demons really do exist. And if demons exist what else is out there? Why was John Winchester driving passed my house when it caught fire? If the demon wanted me alive why didn't he just take me? Why kill my parents?

May 2, 2001

What's the point of going to school anymore? Ever since I found out the truth all I can think about is what else is out there. I borrowed some of my father's books. He has the biggest collection of books on the bizarre that I have ever seen. Our relationship is much better nowadays. I think he is glad that I am talking to him again. I also think he likes the fact that I want to learn about all this supernatural stuff. But at the same time I can see that he is a bit hesitant to tell me everything. He said he wouldn't hold anything back. I respect him for that. Most parents would hide the truth from their kids, but not my father. I've decided that I will call Bobby "Dad" because even though he is not my biological father he raised me like his own daughter. And I couldn't imagine anyone else as my father. I'm still working on trusting him, but it is getting better these days.

June 3, 2001

As Alice Cooper said "School's out for summer." And I am so glad. I can focus more on my training. My father is teaching me everything I need to know about fighting evil. I'm starting to think that Dean had the right mind set despite what I said earlier.

Speaking of the Winchesters, Sam is going to be spending the summer here. I'm not sure how I feel about having him in the house. I'm fine with my father's friends coming through and staying over night, but sharing the house with another person is different. He is going to be invading my space. It's not that I'm territorial or anything. It's just that I'm used to it being my father and I most of the time. Having someone that is closer to my age and that looks like Sam is going to be a challenge. He will be here by the end of this week. I'm not really sure why he is staying with us instead of with his family. I suppose that really isn't any of my business.

June 7, 2001

Sam moved in today. He is in the room right next to me. I'm not really happy about this, but there is nowhere else for him to go. I asked him why he isn't out hunting with his father and brother. He just said that he didn't feel like it. Of course there is more to the story, but I could tell by his answer that he didn't feel like telling me right now. I have a feeling that my father knows why. But I have other things to think about than why Sam Winchester is spending the summer here.

June 26, 2001

Sam and I have been hanging out a lot lately. Who else am I supposed to hang out with? He lives at our house. He's a pretty cool guy and really smart. He has some pretty interesting stories about hunts that he and his family have gone on. I can tell when he talks about them that he doesn't really have the happiest of memories. I still haven't found out the truth to why he is spending the summer here, but I am kind of glad he is. I would probably be bored out of my mind if he wasn't here.

Sam isn't too bad to look at. He really is a tall drink of water. I might just be the raging hormones, but I find myself attracted to him at times. Then I remember that he is off limits because he is living at my house. My father would disapprove right away if Sam and I ever decided to get together. I can't help but stare at him sometimes. When he runs his fingers through his hair I lose all train of thought. The other morning I stepped out of my room at the same time he stepped out of his. He only had on a pair of gym shorts that hung low on his hips. His hair was still messy from sleep. I couldn't help, but look at his hard body. I've never been one to fantasize about a guy I actually knew, but Sam was an exception. I shook myself out of my trance and said good morning to Sam.

July 2, 2001

I decided to ask Sam why he moved in with us for the summer again. This time I got the real answer. Apparently he and his father got into a huge fight because he told his father he's going to Stanford instead of hunting. His father threw him out of the house. I just think that is crazy. I knew John was a tough father, but this takes the cake. A father kicking his son out for going off to college? Sam also got a full ride to Stanford. I told him his father was probably worried about him. He said he really didn't care what his father thought; he was going to college whether or not his father supports him.

I took his hand in mine and told him I supported him. Sam just looked at our hands and said nothing. He looked so sad. I could tell that he appreciated my support, but what he really wanted was the support of his father. I didn't like seeing Sam so sad. I just wanted to comfort him, but I didn't really know what my limits were. I scooted closer to him while keeping my hand in his. I cupped his face with my free hand so that I could get him to look at me. I looked into his beautiful hazel eyes and repeated myself. Sam put his hand behind my head and brought it towards his. Our foreheads touched and we sat there looking into each other's eyes trying to figure out what the other was thinking. I wanted nothing more but for our lips to touch. We both wanted to take that next step, but we were both afraid of the consequences. There was definitely something between us. I finally broke the moment. I said it was getting late and that I needed to go to bed. I didn't want to leave, but I knew that if I didn't things would change. I don't want my dad to feel weird about having Sam here if we were to start dating.

July 7, 2001

The nightmares have started again. This time they are different, but similar at the same time. There is this man with these bright yellow eyes. He sits me down and tells me he has plans for me. He says there is a war coming. I ask him when, but he always replies, "When the time is right." That is about all he tells me. I haven't shared this with anyone, and I don't really plan to.

July 14, 2001

Sam leaves for Stanford in about a month. It won't be the same without him here. We are spending every moment with each other. I never get sick of him. He always has stories for me about past hunts. He is teaching me so much about the supernatural. He explains why certain things are used. Such as why rock salt is used to repel spirits.

My father has left Sam and I alone while he goes off on a hunt. He must really trust Sam and I to be alone together. He has no reason not to trust us. Nothing is going on between Sam and I.

July 15, 2001

I take back what I said about nothing going on between Sam and me. There is something there and today proved that. Sam and I were watching TV when "The Real World" came on. Sam wanted me to change the channel really bad. He can't stand anything on MTV. I didn't really care what we watched, but I felt like messing with Sam for a little while. He got really annoyed and decided he was going to try to take the remote from me. He leaned over me to get it, but I wasn't going to go down without a fight. I went to grab for the remote, but he got to it right before me. He hurried up and changed it to the History Channel. I wasn't going to let him get away with taking the remote. So I tried to get it back from him. We started wrestling for the remote one thing led to another and I ended up on top of him. He used his long arms to his advantage by putting the remote above his head and out of my reach. I kept trying to reach for it; I was determined to get the remote. I looked down at Sam and was about to plead for the remote when all of a sudden he stretches his head up and gives me a kiss on the lips. At first I wanted to push away, but I couldn't. His lips were so soft and warm. We both gave up on fighting for the remote. The way he held me as we kissed made me feel safe. There we were kissing while a special about dinosaurs played in the background.

Things probably would have gone further had it not been for my father calling to check up on us. In some ways I'm glad he did, but I'm also kind of upset he did. Sam would be the best guy to lose my virginity to. He is so sweet and sensitive and he has so much going for him. We will just have to see how things go tomorrow.

July 18, 2001

Things have been getting pretty hot and heavy between Sam and I. We've only gone as far as touching, it's been pretty PG. We've slept together but we haven't slept together. I think Sam is starting to suspect my nightmares. I wake up a lot in the middle of the night in a cold sweat practically screaming. Sometimes Sam notices, but other times he is just dead asleep. We already talked about what we are going to do when my father returns or at least I have told Sam that we are to keep our relationship from my father for right now. My father would not allow Sam in this household if he found out we were sleeping in the same bed together. He would think we were doing something else. After all I am his 16-year-old daughter and Sam is just some 18-year-old boy with one thing on his mind. Either way I feel so safe in Sam's arms. The way he holds me makes me feel loved. Our relationship is strong. We understand one another so much, we know each other's likes and dislikes, and we know what the other is thinking and feeling. I may only be 16, but I know what I'm feeling and that is love. I, Sophie Ruby Singer, am in love with Samuel Winchester.

July 20, 2001

Is it bad that I don't want my father to come back from his hunt any time soon? It has been great not having my father breathing down my neck. Having Sam here by myself is great. We don't really do much, but any time that I spend with Sam is great. We've gone out back and had some target practice, but otherwise we usually just hang out inside and watch movies. I just love being in Sam's arms. His embrace is so warm and inviting. The warmth of his body and the smell of his hair are so intoxicating.

I don't know what I am going to do when Sam leaves for school. He is going to be all the way in California. I'm going to miss him so much. I would go with him, but my father insists that I finish high school. Sam agrees with my father that I should finish high school and go off to college. I have no idea what I would major in. What I really want to do is hunt down the son of a bitch that killed my parents and maybe some other evil SOBs too. However if I told Sam that he would probably try his hardest to convince me to pick a different career path. He'd probably tell me about all the hardships of going into the hunting world and warn me that it isn't worth. I don't feel like starting an argument with him especially when we've been so happy lately.

July 22, 2001

Sam and I got as close to having sex tonight before my father interrupted. It is like he can tell when things are about to happen with Sam. He called to say that he is on his way home and he should be home by tomorrow night. So in other words this is mine and Sam's last night together before my father comes home and Sam goes off to college.

July 23, 2001

My father is back from his hunt. This one looks like it was a tough one. He has cuts and bruises all over his body. I was anxious to know about the hunt, but he was tired and didn't really feel like talking about it.

It's nice having him home, but I missed Sam last night while I slept. I missed the warmth of his body, the sound of his beating heart, and the rhythm of his breathing that put me to sleep. I was tempted to sneak into his room last night and spend the night with him, but I couldn't risk being caught by my father. Sam and I sneak in a few touches here and there in front of my father, but nothing has really set him off. Sam requested that I come to his room tonight to "talk." I wonder what he wants to talk about. ;-)

July 24, 2001

Sam and I got pretty close to getting caught last night when he and I had our little "chat." We were in the middle of an intense conversation when my father came up to say good night to me. The strange thing is my father hasn't come to say good night to me in about a decade. I was in Sam's room at the time. We heard him coming up the stairs so we stopped talking. He was knocking on my door when I stepped out of Sam's room. He looked confused at first, which I expected, but he didn't really seem to care that I was in Sam's room with the door shut. He just said good night and then went back downstairs to his office. I told Sam that was it for the night and I was going off to bed too. Sam looked disappointed, but understood what I was feeling at the same time. That is what I love about him there is no pressure there. He really gets me.

July 30, 2001

I snuck into Sam's room last night just to sleep with him. We didn't do anything, but sleep. I couldn't take not having him there while I sleep. He makes me feel so safe. I usually have the best night's sleep when I am in his arms. The rhythm of his heart and breathing puts me right to sleep. He snores a little in his sleep, but I don't mind it.

I made sure to set an alarm so that I would wake up before my father and go back to my room. I didn't want to get up when my alarm went off. I just wanted to stay in bed with Sam, but he made sure that I got up and moved back to my room. It's a good thing he did because my father came into my room while I was sleeping to ask me a question. If I hadn't gone back to my room my father would've caught me in Sam's bed. That wouldn't have been very fun. My father probably would have kicked Sam out of the house.

Aug 4, 2001

So Sam and I have been sneaking into each other's beds since my last entry. So far we haven't gotten caught. There was one morning when Sam got close because my father had gotten out of bed a little earlier than usual. Sam had stepped out of my room right when my father was coming out of his room. Sam hurried up and shut the door. He stood by the door waiting for my father to go downstairs. Once we heard that my father was in the kitchen Sam left to go to his room.

In other news, Sam wants to take me out to dinner tomorrow. I'm not sure where he is going to be taking me. I keep asking him where we are going to eat, but he won't tell me. I'm not sure where there is to go for some good food around here. The main places we go to eat are the local diner and McDonald's. I guess I'll just have to be patient and see where he takes me.

Aug 6, 2001

So dinner with Sam was amazing. He took me to this little Italian place about thirty minutes from my house. I had no idea that this place existed, but it had amazing food. It was an authentic Italian restaurant. This was no _Olive Garden_. Sam said that my father told him about it. This makes me wonder why my father never took me to the restaurant before. It might be because it is a half hour away. My father doesn't like to go more than fifteen minutes from our house unless he is going on a hunt. That is mainly why I have never been outside of South Dakota. The biggest city I have been to is Sioux Falls and they barely have 125,000 people. I've never seen a building taller than thirty stories and I have never seen the ocean or any of the Great Lakes.

Anyways, dinner was fabulous. The food was nothing I had tasted before. The only spaghetti I'd had was my father's. Granted my father makes some of the best spaghetti. However, I have never had any other Italian food besides pizza or spaghetti. I decided to order the baked penne and Sam ordered the salmon. I tried some of his and thought it was amazing. I had never had any other fish before besides cod. It was so good that I wished I had ordered it.

After we finished our food we decided to just go for a walk. There was a park about a block from the restaurant and it was a beautiful summer night. Sam took my hand in his and we just walked in silence. The silence wasn't awkward it was actually pretty peaceful.

After about fifteen minutes of walking around the park we decided to lie down on the grass to look at the stars. We found a secluded part of the park that was away from any lights so we could get the best view of the stars. We hadn't brought a blanket with us so Sam improvised and used his jacket instead. There were a lot of stars out it was gorgeous. It was so clear that we could see parts of the Milky Way. Sam would point out the constellations that he could find. The only constellation I could point out was the Big Dipper, but Sam knew a lot more.

The night was perfect. I didn't want it to end. I just wanted to stay there in Sam's arms and never leave them. I thought that I was keeping my thoughts in my head, but I guess I was wrong because before I knew it I told Sam about how I loved him. He told me almost right away that he loves me too. There was absolutely no hesitation or tension in his voice. I knew he was telling the truth.

After he said it back I gave him a quick kiss, but it soon turned into a more passionate kiss. I could tell that Sam and I had the same thing on our mind and we didn't feel like leaving that spot. Sam started inching his hand closer and closer to the hem of my shirt. He slowly placed his hand under my shirt and started brushing his fingertips along my stomach. It felt amazing. I was tingling all over. I let out a slight moan because of how incredible it felt just having his hands brushing my stomach. Sam soon moved his lips from mine and placed them on my neck, but I soon had to stop because I didn't want hickeys anywhere visible. My father would get very suspicious if I came home with hickeys after going out to dinner with Sam. He already gave us a weird look when we told him we were going out to dinner.

Anyways, I told Sam to move his mouth somewhere else and he listened. He had me lie on my back and then lifted my shirt up part way so that my stomach was showing. He gave me a quick kiss on the lips and then moved his head more south so that he was by my stomach. The things he did with his mouth and tongue was just amazing. If I didn't have goose bumps before I did then. I had to bite my lip so that I didn't make too much noise. He would get so close to the top of my pants, but would not go past my hips. It was sort of a tease, which just made it that much better. I just wanted him to keep going lower, but he wouldn't.

After about five minutes of him teasing me he finally came back up and started kissing me again. As we were kissing I had Sam sit down and I got on top of him. I could feel Sam through his pants. He wanted me just as much as I wanted him. I brought my fingers to the top of his pants and brushed them against his stomach right underneath them. Sam let out a slight moan and his eyes rolled back a little. I had him lie down while I stayed on top of him. I started kissing his neck while slowly unbuttoning his shirt. I would lower my mouth with each button I would undo. He was definitely growing underneath me.

I didn't get to do much to Sam before he lifted me off of him so that he could be on top. He had me lie on my back again. He undid the top button on my jeans and unzipped them. He started tracing the part of my stomach right above my jeans. He was a little hesitant, but he slowly slid his hand under my underwear. I really had to bite my lip at this point so that I didn't make too much noise. I was squeezing Sam's jacket so hard so that I could keep the noise down. He hadn't even done anything yet and I was already having trouble keeping my moans down.

Sam was so close to putting his fingers inside of me when my phone went off. It was my father, of course. I took a deep breath to collect myself and answered. He was checking to make sure we were alive because it was almost midnight and we had left for dinner at six. We had completely lost track of time. I apologized to my father and told him we would be home soon. He said there was no hurry he was just concerned because we were gone for so long.

After I hung up Sam could tell that we were done for the night. I gave him a quick kiss and told him that it would happen when the time is right. We then got up and put ourselves back together. We walked back to the car hand in hand and continued holding hands the entire time Sam was driving back.

As soon as we arrived at my house we made sure to keep our distance from each other when walking into the house. Sam walked a few paces in front of me. We both knew that my father hadn't gone to bed yet because the lights were still on in the living room and kitchen. My father only leaves on the living room light when he goes to bed. When we walked in my father was sitting in his office reading. At first I thought he had stayed awake waiting for us to come back, but I was wrong. He was investigating something for someone. I could tell that he wanted to go to bed, but he had to continue researching. Sam and I offered to help him, but he refused. I decided to make him some coffee and then Sam and I went up to bed.

Sam and I decided it would be best if we slept in separate beds for the night. Who knows what we would've ended up doing if we slept in the same bed. With my father staying up all night it would have been a huge risk. I can tell that my father already has his suspicions about Sam and I. My father is no idjit. He can pick up on these things pretty quickly. As I said before he became suspicious when Sam and I were going out to dinner. Sam and I have gone to dinner before but it is usually to the diner or some fast food joint. I don't think staying out so late helped. That probably really got him worried. When Sam and I went out to dinner before we would be gone for about an hour. This time we were gone for over six hours.

I was really hoping tonight would be the night of Sam and I officially having sex, but my father had to spoil the moment of course. Sam made me feel so comfortable and I didn't feel pressured the entire time. I wanted it just as much as he wanted it. Maybe it's for the best that we didn't have sex. I don't even know if Sam had a condom with him. Even though we didn't end up having sex it was still a wonderful night. Sam and I both admitted that we love each other, which makes the night memorable on its own. Sam and I only have so many more days to have sex before he leaves for school. Maybe it would be better not to have sex before he leaves because that might make me miss him even more. However, I don't want Sam to end up hooking up with some other chick at school because I didn't put out. I don't think that would happen, but you never know.

Aug 13, 2001

My father has really been keeping a close eye on Sam and I. The other night Sam and I thought my father had gone off to bed and we started making out in the kitchen. We hadn't really planned on it, but we have both been fairly horny since our date last week. It hasn't helped that my father has been seeking Sam's help with researching a case. They have both been putting in long hours and not going to sleep until around four in the morning.

I was in the kitchen cleaning up when Sam came in to tell me that my father had gone up to bed and that he was going up too. I went to give him a kiss goodnight, but it lasted a little longer than we had anticipated. Sam started brushing his fingers along my stomach and back near the top of my pants. He then lifted me up on to the counter and I wrapped my legs around him while we continued kissing each other. Sam placed his hand under my shirt and was about to unhook my bra when we heard footsteps in the living room. We stopped everything and Sam helped me off the counter.

I went back to cleaning up and Sam sat down at the table in the kitchen. He had to cover up the boner he had. My father came into the kitchen and kept looking back and forth at Sam and I. He seemed a bit wary about what Sam and I was doing before he entered. He slowly went to the cabinet and grabbed a clean glass. He filled it up with water, but continued looking between Sam and I. I was just leaning against the counter and Sam was just sitting at the table. It's not like we were standing right next to each other with our hair a mess. My father finally said good night and went back up to his room. That was about when Sam and I called it a night. We have decided it would be for the best if we continue sleeping in separate rooms because we are both very horny and we don't want my father finding out about us. As much as we hate not sleeping in the same bed together it will be for the best. I do not want to have to deal with the wrath of my father.

Aug 16, 2001

Sam leaves for college in just about a week. I don't know what I am going to do with myself when he leaves. It is going to be back to just my father and I living in our house. We will have the occasional hunter pass through needing a place to stay for the night, but otherwise it will just be the two of us. I don't think Sam and I have really spent a day apart since he started living here for the summer. I can't believe I was against Sam staying here in the beginning. I didn't want him invading my space, but it has been the best summer so far. It would just take one more thing to back it even better, but I don't think Sam and I will ever get to have sex before he leaves. My father keeps interrupting one way or another. I swear he can tell when Sam is getting close to taking my virginity. It's like he has an alarm that goes off every time. The only way we are going to get past heavy petting is if we get a hotel room for the night and turn off our cells, but knowing my father he will find me somehow and break down the door.

Aug 21, 2001

Forty eight hours is all I have left with Sam before he leaves until Thanksgiving. I want to go with him so bad, but I can't I have to stay here and go to high school. We haven't really talked about him leaving. I don't think either one of us wants to think about it. He's packed away most of his things and his clothes. I've just sat there on his bed talking and thinking while he packs. There is a lot of hesitation in our conversations because neither one of us wants to bring up why he is packing.

Aug 22, 2001

Sam and I have finally talked about him leaving for college tomorrow. It started out as a calm conversation, then it turned into an argument, then it finally turned back into a calm conversation. It ended with us deciding to email and call one another. He said he would be here for major holidays because he has no where else to go. I'm still not very happy about him leaving, but there is nothing I can do about it. Tomorrow we leave for the airport around 8:15 in the morning. It looks like I'm going to end this summer a virgin.

Aug 27, 2001

Sam is officially gone and I am back at school. It hasn't been the same since Sam left. But since he's been gone I have been working on my hunting skills with my father. Sam hasn't even been gone for an entire week and I already feel like he has been gone for years. I do not like him being so far away from me. We've tried to get in contact with one another since he's been gone, but we have been playing the longest game of phone tag. I finally decided to email him. He hasn't responded back yet. I miss him a little too much. I've never been this way with a guy. Sam is the first guy I have ever loved, besides my father, but he doesn't count.

Sept 4, 2001

School is so lame. Everything they teach us there is useless. Why would I need to know the square root of something, I'm not going to be a mathematician. Frankly I don't see the point in going to school anymore. They don't teach kids how to shoot a gun or what materials you need to kill a vampire. Teenagers are too concerned with their appearance and who is dating whom. Nobody understands me at school. I'm the freak who sits in the corner at lunch by herself. I've complained to my father numerous times, but he keeps telling me that a good hunter needs a high school education.

Sam got back to me and it sounds like he is having a great time at school. He and his roommate, Brady, get along great. He says they hang out all the time together. He really likes being around people who had a normal childhood. However, it makes him a little angry with his father because he feels like his father basically ripped away his childhood. I could tell that this upset Sam and I really wanted to be there to consol him, but I am over 1500 miles away.

Sept 11, 2001

Today is a day that every American will remember. Two planes crashed into the World Trade Center, one plane crashed into the Pentagon, and another in an empty field in Pennsylvania. All day in school today we watched footage of the plane crash. By fourth period I got sick of hearing and seeing the footage. It's real sad what happened and I feel bad for the families who lost a loved one, but when you see the footage over and over again you become desensitized.

Sam called me as soon as I got home from school. He was making sure that I was all right. I told him of course I was, I live in South Dakota nowhere near New York City. He started to laugh because he didn't mean physically he meant emotionally. I just thought it was so sweet of him to call to see how I was feeling about all this. We talked for about three hours until his roommate yelled at him to get off the phone.

Nov 10, 2001

We've run into a problem for Thanksgiving. It seems my father has already made plans of inviting the Winchesters over, meaning John and Dean. My father told me I cannot tell Sam. He apparently has a plan to get the Winchesters talking to one another again. It is obvious to me that this plan is going to backfire. Both John and Sam are stubborn; it seems pointless to even try. But I promised my father I would not say a word to Sam.

Nov 18, 2001

Sam is back. His flight came in this morning. He is even taller now. He is also even hotter than I remember. It was so hard not to kiss him when I first saw him. We almost did, but we stopped just in time. Sam told me all about college and the friends he has made. He says he's happy there and I can tell. It has to be hard for him when people ask about his family. I asked him if he has spoken to his brother or father at all. He said no and that he doesn't plan to, if his father wants to speak with him he can call. Sam seemed pretty upset after that. I apologized for asking, but he said there was no need for me to apologize; it was he who should apologize. He then leaned over and gave me a kiss. I just wanted to tell him so badly that his family was coming to dinner Thursday, but I couldn't do it. I promised my father I wouldn't.

Nov 29, 2001

Well, my father's plan backfired like I thought. Sam and I were sitting in the living room talking while my dad was in the kitchen basting the turkey when John and Dean pulled up. I had to put my game face on. Sam was about to look out the window when my father called for him to come in the kitchen to help with the potatoes. Once I saw Sam was out of the room I bolted for the door.

When I stepped outside and shut the door Dean and John looked up confused. Both John and Dean wanted to get into the house. I told them my father was cooking quite a feast, but didn't want them to come in the house just yet. They asked where they were supposed to stay then until the meal was ready. It took me a few seconds to think of a place when I saw Sam through the window, he was looking outside, but he hadn't seen us yet. All of a sudden it came to me, the shed in the back. John and Dean looked bewildered when I took them to the shed and there was no place to sit. I told them that was my fault and that I would be right back with some chairs and some appetizers. I got back into the house and Sam was looking for me wondering where I had gone. I told him I had chores to do too. My father gave me some chairs, a bag of chips, and a jar of salsa.

When I got back out there John asked how things were going. At first I thought he was talking about dinner, but then I realized he meant in my life. I told him they were going fine. He said that after dinner we needed to talk in private. Dean's ears perked up at that. I told John we'll see and then asked if they wanted anything to drink. Dean responded right away with beer and John seconded. I ran into the house and found Sam sitting in the living room. I asked him why he was sitting there and not helping my father with dinner. He said he got kicked out. I suggested he watch the football game and that I would be right back.

An hour later my father was finally done making dinner. He told Sam and I to sit tight while he went to cut the turkey. That meant that he was going to get John and Dean out of the shed. I really didn't know what to say to Sam while we were sitting there. He kept trying to talk to me about stuff, but I wasn't really listening. I was waiting to see his reaction when his father and brother walked through the door. I heard the back door open and my father talking. I braced myself for what was about to come, but when John walked through the door and saw Sam he just stopped and stared.

The room went silent for what felt like eternity. John and Dean sat across the table from Sam and I. I looked over at Sam and saw that look in his eye. Finally my father came in and broke the silence. He brought the turkey out and started the feast. Still nobody touched the food. It was like a staring contest between Sam and his father. I couldn't take it anymore and said, "John, stop being stubborn and talk to your son!"

Everybody turned their stares to me. John finally asked Sam how school was going and if they had working telephones. That is when the fighting began. It was like watching a tennis match, Sam would say something, then John, then Sam, then John, and so on. Until Dean interjected and told them that was enough. Sam said he was right and stormed out. All four of us stood there in silence again. I couldn't take it anymore. I told John that he was a terrible father to Sam. Sam wanted him to be proud of him for getting into a school like Stanford. I told him he should be ashamed of himself and then left the room in search of Sam. I found Sam sitting on one of my father's beat up cars. I went and sat next to him, neither one said a word the entire time we sat there. It was most obvious what Sam was feeling; anyone could have picked up on it. After about ten minutes Dean came out to check on Sam. I decided I wasn't going to get in the middle of this so I left.

As I was walking back to the house I remembered that John wanted to talk to me. I had a feeling what it was about. When I walked into the house John was sitting at the kitchen table while my father was cleaning up.

John asked how Sam was, as if he cared. I told him he was upset, but he'll get over it. John went on to comment how close Sam and I are. I just told him that Sam is a very likeable guy. I decided it was time to change the subject. We started talking about the thing that killed my parents. John said that he is very close to figuring out what it is. He also asked me if I had had any more nightmares about the demon. I must have told him my answer with my facial expression because he asked what they were about. He told me not to be afraid and to just let him know because it could be important. I told him all about my dreams, from what the demon looked like to what he told me. He told me that what I had told him was very important for his research. He was about to tell me more, but Dean came back from talking to Sam. He said it was time to go. My father offered them the couch and the extra bedroom, but they declined. We all said good night to one another, everyone except Sam. Several minutes later Sam came back into the house and went straight to his room. My father was going to go talk to him, but I strongly advised he didn't. I wanted to go in and talk to him too, but stopped myself and went off to bed.

Nov 30, 2001

Well, my father knows now that Sam and I are together. Last night while I was sleeping Sam snuck into my room. He just came in to sleep with me. I was too tired to kick him out and after all that he went through I could understand why he would want the comfort and support of someone who loves him. My father just came into my room to drop off some of my things from downstairs when he noticed Sam in my bed or at least that is what he says. I woke up soon after that in Sam's arms. At first I was confused, but then I remembered that he came into my room.

The two of us just laid there enjoying each others company when we finally decided to go downstairs for breakfast. When we got to the kitchen my father was sitting at the table waiting for us. He was acting perfectly normal asking how I slept. Then he said to Sam how he must've had a good night sleep, but it might've been a better one in his own bed. We both looked at each other shocked and confused. My father went on to tell Sam and I about how if we are going to be together then there are going to be some rules. Rule #1: No sleeping in the same bed as one another. The other rules are unimportant. He told Sam that the biggest rule of all was no breaking his little girl's heart or he will break his legs. My father doesn't really need to worry though. Sam and I haven't even had sex yet. Also Sam goes back to school tomorrow, but he comes back three weeks later for an entire month.

Sam didn't say much today. He is still upset from yesterday. He's not mad at my father or I, he is angry with his own father. I asked him what Dean talked to him about, he just said he wanted to tell his father's side of the story and to ask Sam to reconsider joining them on their hunts. That is about the extent of our conversations for today. I let Sam brood.

Dec 6, 2001

Sam is back at school and so am I. Well I was back at school, but I got suspended for fighting. The other guy started it, but the principal doesn't care because I fought back. I wasn't going to let this kid continue calling my father a drunk who abuses his daughter. It was this terrible rumor that the kid made up after seeing all my bruises on my arms and legs from my training, which came in handy to kick that little pansy's ass. He just kept saying stuff so I went over to him and punched him. I told him that if he was going to spread rumors about someone he might want to choose someone who couldn't kick his ass. The principal called us each in separately. When I went in there the principal started by asking me about my home life. She said that from my file she sees that I live with my father who is unemployed and my mother is MIA. She then asked me how often my father gets drunk. I couldn't believe what she was asking me. Did she really think that Kevin was telling the truth? I told her that I have only seen my father really drunk once and that was after a really bad day at work. She asked me if my father ever hit me when he got really upset. That was where I drew the line. I stood up and told the principal that my father was the best father a girl could ask for and that he has never laid finger on me. She then asked me to show her my arms and legs then to prove it. I did as she asked knowing damn well where it was going. There on my arms and legs were my bruises. I told her I was learning self defense and you get bruised up. I could tell that she didn't believe a single word I said, but she moved on to my punishment for fighting. She told me I was suspended for five days. My father was furious when he got the phone call from school saying to pick me up. He said he was thankful that I stood up for him, but I didn't need to start a physical fight.

It has been three days since that fight happened. Sam is in agreement with my father, that I shouldn't have punched the guy. I don't really care; it felt so good. For the past three days my father has had me busy drawing this thing on the ceiling. I don't remember what it is called, but it is supposed to keep a demon from using its power while underneath it. I really hope this works. I have to draw it perfectly or else it will not work. If I mess this thing up my father will be so pissed.

Dec 10, 2001

Sam comes home next weekend. I just realized the other day that I need to get him something for Christmas. I asked him what he wanted, which I know is cheating, and he said nothing he will just be happy to be with me. How cheesy. I told him if he doesn't want anything then neither do I. He said that's too bad because he already got me something. Then he said he had to go.

So what do I get for Sam? I asked my father, but he was of no help to me. Sam isn't into fighting demons. He wants to be a lawyer and live as normal of a life he can. I don't know who else to ask for advice on what to get him.

Dec 14, 2001

Two more days until Sam comes home. I figured out what to get him. I had some help. I decided to call Dean to ask him what to get Sam. He told me that Sam always wanted a nice switchblade. At first it didn't sound like something Sam would like, but I asked my father if he thought it was a good idea. He said it was, but there was a problem I am too young to buy a switchblade. You have to be 18 to buy any sort of weaponry. I then begged my father to buy one for me. I would pay him back, but he said he wouldn't help me. I had to call Dean back again. I begged him to buy one for me and to have it shipped. I told him I would pay for all of it. He said he would buy one, but he won't ship it. Then he hung up. What did he mean he wasn't going to ship it?

Dec 19, 2001

Dean came over today to drop off Sam's gift. When I answered the door I was surprised to see him standing there. He gave me the box with the knife and then he waited for his money. I asked him what he was doing here. He just said that he was nearby on a hunt. I invited him in, but he declined. I told him Sam was here if he wanted to talk to him or just say hi, but he just said he really had to go. He wished me a Merry Christmas and then left. I realized shortly after that it was a good thing he left because Sam would have been confused as to why Dean was there. He might have thought we were going to have a round two of Thanksgiving.

I didn't think I would be so happy to see Sam when I picked him up from the airport. I went by myself to pick him up. My father had some stuff to get done around the house so I offered to pick him up. As soon as I saw Sam coming down the escalator I ran over so I could greet him right away. Once he was at the bottom he gave me a huge hug and kiss. He didn't check any bags so we were able leave pretty quickly.

It is much better having my father know that Sam and I are together. We don't have to sneak around as much. Sam can put his arm around me while we sit on the couch and we can kiss in front of my father. Although my father still gives us a look of disapproval when we kiss. He's not really giving the look to me, but more to Sam. I'm his little girl and I will always be his little girl. He knows Sam and knows he will never hurt me, but my father still gives him a hard time. Ever since my father found out he has been a little tougher on Sam. So I guess in a way it isn't better having him know. He also comes into my room every morning to make sure that Sam isn't in the bed with me. The first two times I woke up, but now I just sleep through it.

Dec 24, 2001

Sam and I got into a bit of trouble with my father this morning. Sam was going to surprise us both with breakfast. However, I had heard someone in the kitchen and couldn't fall back to sleep. I decided to check out who was in the kitchen when I found Sam. He was in the process of cooking bacon. I noticed the flour on the table behind him and he hadn't realized that I was in the kitchen yet. I picked up the bowl of flour and quietly snuck up behind Sam. He was so focused on cooking the bacon that he didn't hear me behind him.

I put my hand in the flour, grabbed a handful, and threw it in his face. He was so startled by what happened. He stood there for about ten seconds before he moved. He turned towards me and grabbed the bowl out of my hands. I thought he was just going to set it down, but I was wrong. He picked up some of the flour and threw it back in my face.

We both stood there staring at each other until I ran for the cabinet that had the flour bucket so I could have some ammo. I grabbed the bucket and we started throwing flour at each other. Sam eventually ran out and tried to take the bucket from me. I wasn't going to let him win, but he eventually hit the bucket out of my hands. There was flour all over the floor, which made it pretty slippery. Sam tried to get me to fall on the floor, but I was holding on to the counter for balance. I made my way to the faucet and grabbed the hose connected to it. I turned on the water and started spraying Sam with it.

Sam was making his way towards me when my father walked into the kitchen asking what we thought we were doing. I hadn't really looked at the mess we had made, but it was pretty bad. I turned off the water and put the hose back in the sink. My father was pretty upset. He told us to clean up the kitchen and then went up to his room. We cleaned up the kitchen pretty quickly, but Sam and I were laughing about what had happened the entire time. It was a lot of fun and even cleaning up afterwards was fun. I knew we wouldn't be able to do it again because my father would get really upset with us.

Dec 25, 2001

Merry Christmas!

Sam loved his gift. My father was a little shocked when he saw that I had gotten him the knife. He probably didn't think that I would find a way to get one. My father gave me some books on ghosts and legends. These aren't just books you can find at any bookstore. These are some pretty rare books and I plan to read each one paying close attention to what they tell me.

My best gift was from Sam. He must've searched everywhere for this gift. At first I wasn't sure what it was until Sam explained it. I thought he had just gotten me a nice picture frame, not realizing what it was a picture of. That picture in the frame was of my biological parents. They look to be in their twenties in this picture. I asked him where he found the picture, but he just said he has his sources. I really want to know how he found it.

I stared at the picture for a good, long minute until Sam finally asked if I liked it. I was at a lose for words. Next thing I knew I was crying. I couldn't believe I was crying over a gift. Sam took it the wrong way at first and started apologizing. I stopped him and told him I loved it. It was the best gift ever.

My father picked it up and looked at it for a while. I don't think he had ever seen my real parents before either. Sam says I have my mother's eyes and my father's smile. He said that once he saw the picture there was no doubt in his mind that they were my parents. My mother was so gorgeous and my father wasn't bad looking either.

It is going to be bothering me for a while where Sam got that picture of my parents. John said there were no pictures left. He had checked so that I could have a picture of my parents, but there were none.


	2. Year 2002

Disclaimer: Sexual content ahead.

Please review. Thanks for reading.

* * *

Jan 2, 2002

Happy New Year!

Sam and I had a great time bringing in the New Year. I don't think I will ever forget this New Year's Eve. My father went to a bar in Sioux Falls that was having a big New Year's Eve party. Since Sam and I are both underage we stayed at my house. My father was a bit hesitant to leave and for good reason. Since Sam has been home my father has not left the house for more than an hour. He has turned down hunts so that he can stay to keep an eye on us.

My father left for his party around seven. Once we knew he was gone we started celebrating on our own. Sam had rented some movies. We made it through the first movie just fine, but by the second one we couldn't focus. It didn't help that the second movie he put on was _Original Sin_. There is a pretty graphic sex scene in the movie. During the scene Sam hadn't realized that his hand had made its way under my shirt and was rubbing my bareback. I was also stroking his inner thigh. We were both trying our hardest not to give in, but we knew what was on our minds.

After about two minutes of us caressing each other I finally initiated things. I couldn't take it any more. We both knew we weren't going to be able to hold back forever. I got on top of Sam so that I was straddling him. I decided to tease him a little and would almost kiss him, but then pull back. He would feel my lips brush his, but no more than that. He was hating it and loving it at the same time. He was about to go in for the full kiss when I pulled away. He looked at my confused. I turned around to grab my cell phone and showed him that I was turning it off. He realized why I was turning it off and decided to turn his off too. I didn't want anyone interrupting us this time.

Once our cell phones were off I asked him if he was ready. He admitted that he has been ready for this moment since we met. He then pulled me towards him so that we can finally start things. That first kiss was better than any other kiss we had ever had and each kiss just got better. We both knew that it was finally the night. Our hands had a mind of their own for the first minute or so. We couldn't keep them in one place for too long. I finally got control of mine and started unbuttoning Sam's traditional plaid shirt. However he was not bare underneath. He had an undershirt on. This just frustrated me. I want to get to Sam's amazing abs and chest, but his undershirt was blocking them. Once I got to the last button I threw off the shirt and then Sam took the undershirt off. I gave him a quick kiss and then scooted back on his lap so I could get to his pants. I undid his belt and then got as far as unzipping his jeans when Sam took over.

Sam guided his hands along my sides, under my shirt. He was getting me to lift up my arms so that he could take my shirt off. Once my shirt was off of me he had me lie down on the couch. He got on top of me and I wrapped my legs around his. He started kissing my lips, but slowly made his way down. He kissed my neck for a good, long minute and then moved down making his way towards my stomach. He was doing the same thing he did when we were in the park all those months ago. This time I didn't have to hold back my moans. I just let it out. Sam lowered his head even more so that his mouth was right above my pants. He placed his hands over the button, but looked up at me to make sure it was what I wanted. I nodded and helped him unbutton them. Sam unzipped them while I lifted my hips up so that he could take them off with ease. He slid them off and threw them over the coffee table.

He stood there in a daze looking at me in my underwear. He had never seen me this naked before. The least amount of clothes he had seen me in was a tank top and shorts. He was mesmerized by what he saw. I knew Sam had done this before, but never with me. He has admitted that he has never had sex with anyone he was in love with, but he has had sex. I let him stand there looking at me for a few seconds, but I wanted him to continue where he had left off. He eventually snapped back into reality and told me how beautiful I was. This made me blush, even more than I already was. Sam said that we should probably move to the bedroom so we can have more room and be more comfortable. I couldn't fight him on this because the couch was very constricting.

Sam re-buttoned his pants and helped me get off the couch. As we made our way up the stairs Sam kept his body against mine. When we got to the top he pushed me against the wall and started kissing my neck. His hands made their way down my body. His fingertips danced around the hem of my panties. I just wanted him to put them inside of me so bad it was making me moan louder than I've ever moaned before. He moved his mouth on to mine and gave me a deep, passionate kiss. I undid his pants again and slid my hand into them. I brushed my hand over his amazing ass and then pushed his pants down. He stepped out of them while continuing to touch me above my panties. We weren't really making any progress towards my room or his. It was when he started unhooking my bra that he realized we were still standing in the hallway. He took my hand in his and led me to my room.

When we got to my room he shut the door while I sat on the edge of the bed waiting for him. I unhooked my bra while he started removing my panties. I was completely naked in front of Sam for the first time. It was the first time I had been completely naked in front of anyone beside myself. It made me a bit nervous, but Sam makes feel comfortable. Sam started doing things to me that I had never done before. I had never felt anything like that before in my life. This just made me crave Sam even more. Between moans I asked Sam if he had a condom. He admitted that he had them in his bedroom. He got up, gave me a quick kiss, and than ran to his room. He was back in a matter of seconds.

He shut the door and slid off his boxers revealing all of himself to me. He started unwrapping one of the condoms while making his way towards me. I sat on the bed awestruck. I had never seen a naked man before. Sam's body is just flawless. I couldn't have picture anything better. By the time Sam got to the bed he already had the condom rolled on. I knew I should have been nervous for what was about to happen, but I wasn't. I knew Sam would take care of me and would be gentle. He knew it was my first time. Before Sam went any further he made sure that I was really ready. I nodded and guided him towards me. He hesitated before finally penetrating me. He went slowly at first, but he picked up the pace with each thrust. It hurt a little, but it felt amazing. I felt like I was going to explode the entire time. It was a good thing my father wasn't near the house because he definitely would have heard me. I think Sam was surprised at how loud I got. I'm usually pretty quiet.

We finished around one in the morning and wanted to go for another round, but we figured we should call it a night because my father would be back soon. We took a few minutes to collect ourselves before we went out to get the clothes we had left around the house. It was while we were collecting our clothes that I realized I had left marks on Sam's back. I didn't even realize that I was digging my fingers into his back. He never said anything to me. I apologized, but he wouldn't accept because he said it didn't hurt.

Once we had all of our clothes picked up we went back upstairs to go to bed. When we kissed each other good night we almost started round two, but Sam eventually pulled away. We went into our separate bedrooms and didn't see each other until the morning. I heard my father come in about a half hour after we went to bed. I didn't fall asleep for quite a while because I kept thinking about what had happened between Sam and I. It was so amazing. I can't wait to do it again.

Looking back at the past year my life has changed. I found out my father isn't really my father, that demons really exist, and I have a steady, loving relationship. My New Year's resolution for 2002 is to keep my relationship with Sam going strong and not let anything get in the way.

Jan 18, 2002

Sam leaves in three days. We haven't done anything since New Year's. My father has been watching us like a hawk. Whenever Sam and I think we're alone my father seems to appear out of nowhere. Sometimes we are just talking and other times we are about to start getting intimate. Either way nothing has happened with Sam and I since that magical night.

Feb 14, 2002

For the past couple of days I have been waking up feeling sick to my stomach. The first day I thought it was a 24-hour flu, but by mid afternoon I felt better and forgot about it. Then the next morning I felt sick again and this has been going on for the past few days.

Feb 18, 2002

I'm really getting worried about my health. I'm still throwing up every day and I realized that I haven't had my period for the past month or so. This isn't the first time this has happened, but I don't usually get sick. I think I might go to the doctor if this continues for one more week.

In other news, I haven't talked to Sam since he left. His roommate keeps saying he is out at the library. I know Sam cares a lot about his grades, but to be at the library almost every day of the week? I feel like that annoying girlfriend who is over possessive and calling all the time. He probably just has harder classes this semester.

Feb 23, 2002

I went to the doctor yesterday. I told my father I was going to a classmate's house to work on a project. When the doctor asked what was wrong I told him all of my symptoms. He told me that he would have to run a few tests. He drew some blood and took some other bodily fluids. He said he would get back to me with the results in a few of days. The doctor really hasn't said what it might be, but he said that he would definitely give me a call.

I finally talked to Sam. He said that he has been working on a huge project for the past few weeks. He couldn't talk long, but it was nice to hear from him.

Feb 26, 2002

The doctor called me back with the results. It is exactly what I thought it was, but was too afraid to admit. I'm pregnant. I was in such denial since I started getting sick. I'm pregnant with Sam's baby. He has to know, but how do you tell someone over the phone? That just doesn't seem right. Plus I haven't been able to get in touch with Sam lately. Apparently he joined a study group and it usually runs late. He doesn't want to wake me up because I have school to go to, plus we are two hours ahead here. So if his group gets out at ten then it is already midnight here.

Anyways, I've decided I'm going to wait to tell him until he comes home in a few weeks. I'm so nervous. How is Sam going to react? Most of all how is my father going to react? I can't keep it from him for too long. I'm going to be showing in a couple of months. He might just kick me out of the house, but he might be understanding and help. My father is just so unpredictable. But how will Sam take the news? I hope he doesn't quit Stanford so he can help take care of the baby. I would feel so bad if he did that. I could always move out there. Then he wouldn't have to drop out. We'll just have to see how he takes the news when he comes back in three weeks.

March 5, 2002

My birthday was very uneventful. Nothing really happens at 17. At this time last year I wasn't talking to my father and was in denial about what killed my parents. This birthday I am hiding my pregnancy from my father. I've stopped training with my father because I realized that all that movement is not good for the baby and sometimes I end up falling. I told my father that I started a job after school. He doesn't understand why I need the money. I told him that the hunting business doesn't have the best paycheck. I'm really working to have a good excuse to not go to training, but also to earn some money for my baby.

Sam comes home in just four days! I'm getting so nervous about telling him. What if he bolts? What if he tells me to get an abortion or to give it up for adoption? I'm just going to have to sit him down right away and say it. No beating around the bush.

March 10, 2002

So Sam has been here for an entire day, but I haven't gotten a chance to talk to him because my work called me in last minute. I can't pass up any opportunity to make money. Every penny counts if I am going to support this baby. When I got home from work Sam was already in bed asleep. I didn't want to wake him up. So I decided I will tell him today. I have the day off so there is no reason not to tell him. I'm just so incredibly nervous. The same questions keep running through my head. My stomach isn't getting much bigger. I have probably gained about ten pounds, but it doesn't show that much. I go in for an ultra sound in about a week. It is going to be so weird seeing the baby inside my stomach. It will really make it real. Well I'm off to go tell Sam about the baby.

March 13, 2002

I still haven't told Sam. Whenever I go in to talk to him he always says he has to go somewhere or is working on his schoolwork. I feel like he is avoiding me. I come home from work and find him sitting on the couch watching TV, but once I sit down to talk to him he leaves to go do schoolwork or something. We haven't even kissed since he's been home. I'm worried that he doesn't love me anymore. This just makes it even harder to tell him. I'm just going to have to sit him down and make him listen to me no matter what his excuse is.

March 16, 2002

Well, Sam and I finally talked. Things didn't really go as planned. Sam did all the talking and I just stormed out. Here's what happened.

I went into Sam's room and told him we had to talk. He got this look on his face, this scared, nervous look on his face. He asked me what I wanted to talk about. I told him it had something to do with us, something big, something life changing. He must have thought I was talking about something else because all of a sudden he started apologizing. Not like "I'm so sorry I have been avoiding you all week," more like, "I'm so sorry I've done something bad that I wouldn't even forgive myself." That set us off topic. I decided to play along because then I might be able to get the reason he has been avoiding me all week. It worked, I learned the truth, but it didn't make me feel any better.

Sam admitted that there was a reason he hasn't been talking to me and that was because he didn't deserve me. He said he has been the worst boyfriend ever. At first I thought he meant because he hasn't called or talked to me every night since he's been away. I told him it was fine that he hasn't called he was studying and busy with school. He then said that he wasn't always studying. I was about to excuse his behavior when he finally cried out that he had been cheating on me.

I didn't really know what to say to that. I just sat there awestruck. No words were forming in my mind, no complete sentences. I then finally asked him how long. He told me for the past two weeks. He knew it was wrong and his actions can never be forgiven. After that, question after question came out of my mouth without thinking. I asked him her name, how far they had gone, and if they are serious. I really did not want to know the answers to these questions, but he answered them anyways. His answers with Jessica, they've had sex, and he is unsure of his feelings for her because he still loves me. I was so furious and the amount of rage I had was not good for the baby. I could feel it in my stomach I started clutching it. Sam noticed and asked me if I was all right. I told him I was fine and then ran to my room.

I made my decision on how to handle the situation. I decided that I couldn't stay in my house. I packed up some clothes, took all my money, the picture of my parents, and left.

That was three days ago. I'm still trying to decide where to start my new life. I've been staying at a motel in Minnesota for the past two nights. I can't stay here forever; I need to move into an apartment somewhere. I need to get a job also. I just can't believe Sam cheated on me. I never really thought of Sam as the cheating type, but no body really expects their boyfriend to cheat.

Sam and my father have been calling my cell nonstop. I have about 15 voicemails from each one. I turned my cell off because I couldn't stand it anymore. I've listened to a few of them, but not all of them. They are basically the same, wondering where I am, am I safe. Sam keeps apologizing and telling me to come back home because he will be leaving in two days. My father keeps telling me that I am being immature and should come home immediately. I'm moving further southeast tomorrow toward Wisconsin. I will try to figure out what to do after that.

April 2, 2002

So I've decided to live in Chicago. It is a large enough city that I can blend in. I've been looking through the newspaper for an apartment and a job. I'm starting to run low on cash. Train tickets and motel rooms aren't cheap. I'm also going to have to start buying new clothes because mine are getting too tight. I've found some places that don't seem too expensive and there are some jobs in the paper that look good. I'm going to go check some out tomorrow.

April 10, 2002

Things worked out perfectly, a little too perfectly. I'm going to be sharing an apartment with this guy Chuck and he told me that his dad's company is hiring. He said he would talk to his father for me. He is also letting me pay less than him for the rent because his parents help him pay for it all ready. So I only have to pay 1/3 of the rent. That is about $200 a month with utilities. Is that too perfect or what? Chuck even knows about my pregnancy and is willing to help any way possible.

Chuck is just the nicest guy ever. He is about 23 years old and just graduated from college. He is hoping to be a lawyer, but hasn't found a job yet. He's about 5'10" and pretty slender. I don't have to worry about him hitting on me because he is gay. He isn't the annoying type of gay guy who is overly flamboyant. He is pretty laid back and mellow for a gay man.

I moved in here yesterday and have felt comfortable the entire time. I have a meeting with his father tomorrow to go over the job.

Sam is back at school and has been for a while. I wonder if he and that Jess girl are together now. I'm so tempted to call him and just tell him about the baby, but I can't. I really want to call my father too. He calls my cell about 3-4 times a day. He leaves a voicemail every time asking/begging me to call him back. He wants to make sure I am safe. I'm not mad at my father or anything I just don't want him to find out about the baby and I don't want him to tell Sam where I am.

April 23, 2002

So I have been working at Chuck's father's company for the past week. I am basically his secretary. It is a good job, I'm not on my feet all day and it pays $10 an hour. I get my first paycheck soon. I had to go and buy new pants the other day because the button on my jeans won't even close. I'm going to put some of the money from my paycheck towards a new cell phone. I don't want to cut off my father, but I don't want him to track my phone.

I went to the doctor the other day and found out the sex of the baby. It is going to be a boy. I haven't decided on a name yet, but still I have four months to decide. Maybe I will name him Robert after my father.

May 2, 2002

You will not believe who I saw today walking down the street. I was walking to get to work when through the crowd I see Dean Winchester. He almost walked right past me when he saw me too. He came over and asked me what I was doing in Chicago. I told him I was visiting an old friend. I then asked him the same question. He just said that he and his father were working on a job. Dean then asked me how Sam was doing because he doesn't get to talk to him much. I really did not know what to say to that. I just told him Sam was busy at school and that I hadn't really talked to him much. Before we could talk for too long I told Dean I had to go because my friend was waiting for me. We said goodbye and went our separate ways.

May 20, 2002

My stomach is getting so big now. I can only walk so far without taking a break. My feet hurt and my back hurts. I'm pretty moody, I've snapped at Chuck for some of the stupidest things. I have about three months left of this and it is only going to get worse.

Along with the backaches and aching feet I've been having these quick headaches, but they are so painful that I can't even keep my eyes open or think. At first I thought this might be because of the pregnancy, but I've looked online and through books and none have an explanation. If they continue I will have to go see the doctor. And I've decided to name my baby Robert Samuel, but I'm not sure if I should give him my last name or Sam's.

June 13, 2002

The doctor has ordered me to bed rest because I am so weak. He said I could walk around the apartment, but not for too long. I have been stuck on bed rest for only two days and I am already bored out of my mind. Daytime TV sucks. You can either watch soap operas or talk shows and I am not a big fan of either. Chuck has been amazing through all of this. If I need anything he is there so quickly. I'm so grateful for him.

July 2, 2002

Chuck surprised me today with a crib for baby Robert. It's a used one, but it'll still work. He is setting up a little area for Robert. I'm still bored all the time, but I'm getting used to it. I've started watching "The Young and the Restless." I never thought I would get into a soap opera, but after watching a few episodes I've realized how addicting they can be.

July 30, 2002

I just want this baby out of me. I can't do anything my stomach is too big. Almost every position I lie in hurts one way or another. I wake up every night about ten times to get comfortable. Just a little over a month and I will be popping this thing out of me.

Sept 2, 2002

So I haven't written in a while because I have been in the hospital for the past week or so. Not because I had the baby, but because I lost the baby. That's right my baby is dead. The story of how all this happened is long.

It started off like any other day. I woke up and waddled out of bed to the kitchen. The day was passing by as usual. At about five o'clock Chuck came home from work. I made us some dinner. While we were sitting eating dinner Chuck got up to get some water, but when he came back he wasn't Chuck. I mean physically it was him, but in all other aspects it was no longer him. He came at me full force pushing the table out of the way. I was scared like any normal person. I got up and started running away, well it was more like waddling away, but found that my feet were no longer on the ground. Before I knew it I was turned around facing Chuck, then I was pushed against the wall. But nothing was physically pushing me. When I looked into his eyes I saw they weren't their normal blue, they were yellow. That was when I realized that my parents' killer was possessing Chuck. I was face to face with him. At first I thought I was dreaming, but I knew I wasn't. This was really happening. My worst enemy was standing in front of me.

He started talking to me commenting on how big my stomach was getting, but then he said there was a problem. I was not allowed to keep the baby. He said the world would never understand him; he would be an outcast and a danger to society. He explained that the baby I am carrying had some of the most powerful psychic gifts imaginable. He told me either I kill the baby or he'll do it for me. I told him to go to hell and then without thinking I spit on him. That was when I felt this squeezing in my stomach. It felt like someone was trying to rip my insides out. I started screaming in pain, I knew he was killing my baby and there was nothing I could do to stop him. When the pain got the worst he stopped holding me against the wall and I fell to the floor. Then he turned around and walked out the door without saying a word. I tried to get up, but my arms and legs wouldn't let me.

Soon after that I blacked out and woke up a week later in the hospital. When I woke up my father was sitting in the chair right next to me. I was so confused, how did I get to the hospital, where was my baby, and what was my father doing there? Who had told my father where I was? Was it the hospital? Could it have been Dean? He looked so relieved to see me awake. I asked him how he knew where I was. He told me that he knew the entire time. Chuck is a friend of his who he asked to look out for me. That went well seeing as how he almost killed me. My father told me that he found me on the ground of the apartment passed out in a pool of blood. He rushed me over to the hospital and they took care of everything. He was worried when it took me so long to wake up even though the doctors said I was okay. So now I'm still recovering. The doctor said I could go home in a few days. They had a psychiatrist come in to talk to me about losing my baby and about what happened. But I can't tell them the truth because then they will think I am a crazy person.

John and Dean stopped by to see how I was doing. John knows the truth about what happened, but Dean just thinks I fell down some stairs. John doesn't want to bother Dean with the details. No one has told Sam about any of this. I told my father I never told Sam, so why stress him out about it now.

Losing the baby was one of the hardest things I've had to deal with. But the worst news of all was when the doctor came in and told me I will never be able to have children again. Apparently there was so much damage done by the demon that my baby making days are over. At first I was sad, but I soon switched to anger, anger towards the demon for taking away my unborn child and stopping me from having any children ever again.

I told John I want to know everything he knows about the damn demon. He told me here was not the place, but he would give me a call. I've decided that it is going to be my job to kill this demon. I'm going to learn everything I need to know about him and then I am going to kill him.

Sept 10, 2002

I finally got released from the hospital yesterday. I went back with my father to his house. He thinks it will be for the best since I am still broken up about losing the baby. I agreed, not because of losing the baby, but because my father can start training me again. I can be prepared.

The last few days at the hospital were interesting. I was sitting in my room one night when Sam walked in. He was all concerned asking me if I was all right. I was just a little shocked to see him there. Had my father told Sam? Did he tell him everything? How much did Sam know about me being in the hospital? I just told him I was fine and there was no reason to panic.

Sam sat down in the chair next to my bed as if I had forgiven him for what he had done. He told me that we needed to talk about what happened. He said he couldn't stop thinking about me the entire time I was gone. He knew that he had crushed my heart. Sam continued to talk about how worried he was about me; he couldn't eat, sleep, or focus in classes because he had no idea if I was safe. He knew he was responsible for what happened and if anything had happened to me he would not be able to live with himself. Once my father had called him and told him I was safe he knew he could breathe easier. He then said that he still loved me and asked me to forgive him for his actions. I really didn't know what to say, I was still trying to adjust to the fact that Sam was sitting right next to me. He looked much older than when I last saw him. His hair was much longer and he was definitely more defined. He looked so good that I had to remind myself of what he did to me, his little speech didn't help my feelings much either. I could tell from his tone of voice that he was genuinely sorry for what he had done. I was still wondering whether he knew about the baby.

I was silent for a good minute until I realized it was my turn to speak. Before I could forgive him there was one thing I needed to know. I asked him if he was still seeing Jess. He looked a little confused and shocked by the question. Then he finally shook his head and said that once I had gone missing he couldn't even look at her because she was the cause for me to run away. Jess had tried to talk to him, but he wanted nothing to do with her. I wanted to believe everything he said, but I just couldn't. I finally told him that I had forgiven him, but it is going to take me a while to trust him again. He said he totally understood and he will give me all the time I needed. Sam looked so much more relaxed after I had forgiven him.

I then finally asked him the question that was bothering me the most, how did he know I was in the hospital? He just said that my father told him about a couple weeks ago, but he couldn't get a flight out until later and his teachers weren't giving him permission to leave. My father told Sam that I had gotten into a car accident and was in the hospital pretty banged up. Sam knew he had to be there for my father to help him out during this, but like I already told you he couldn't make it until two weeks later. Now I felt relieved knowing that he was unaware of the baby. Since the baby was never born there is no reason he needs to know. He will just feel worse about cheating on me and leaving me alone. He also would feel like he could've done something when the demon attacked me. I decided it was time to change the subject to something a little happier. I asked him about school and the summer. The rest of our time together was pretty civil and unimportant. He talked about school and I talked about Chicago, but steered clear of the pregnancy.

Sam stayed with me at the hospital for my last two nights there. Part of it was because my father told him to keep an eye on me; the other part was because Sam wanted to stay with me. Sam was nice enough to ask me if it was okay. I just told him it was fine as long as it did not interfere with school. Actually Sam took off the entire week to come and see me. He told his professors and they were finally fine with it and left him with some work that needed to be done. Sam went to Chicago to get my stuff for me because I'm a little scared of Chuck right now. I know that he was possessed and everything, but I just can't look at him the same. Sam is driving back to our house right now as we speak. Even though he has only been back for less than a week I am starting to trust Sam again, I'm kind of afraid that I'm falling for him again. I keep reminding myself what he did to me, but it is so hard not to fall for him again when he is being so cute and sweet. He will be back tonight and then he leaves the day after tomorrow. My father wants all three of us to have dinner together tomorrow night before Sam goes back to school.

Sept 12, 2002

I am pissed at my father. He totally ruined dinner last night because he couldn't keep his damn mouth shut. If you couldn't guess by now my father "accidentally" told Sam about me being pregnant. Sam started yelling at me asking me why I hadn't told him, it was his baby too he had the right to know. I just told him I tried over spring break, but he had his own news to tell me. That was when Sam became ashamed of himself. He realized that he was to blame for it all, everything was his fault. He exclaimed that if he had never cheated on me with Jessica then our baby might be alive today. That was when my father stood up and asked Sam to repeat himself. My father had never learned the truth as to why Sam and I broke up; he just assumed it had something to do with the pregnancy. Sam got really scared and repeated himself. My father started to charge Sam when I interfered. I told my dad to sit down and that I had already forgiven Sam for what he did. Sam knows what he did was wrong and he was truly sorry. My father sat down and the rest of the dinner was awkwardly silent. Sam was upset and ashamed of himself, I was upset with my father, and my father was upset with Sam. I could tell that my father was still not pleased with Sam; he basically looked at Sam like he wanted to murder him.

Sam and I really didn't talk much after dinner. He was still taking it all in. He just found out that he was about to be a father. Sam never asked what happened to the baby, he probably just assumed it had something to do with my "car accident." I didn't want to tell him that it was the same thing that killed his mother. He would have way too many questions and would want vengeance.

Sam left today, now it is just my father and I. He has not let me out of his sight all day. It is like he is afraid I am going to run away again. When I told him that I wanted to start training he told me not today or this week because I was not ready. He thinks I am still weak from my accident. I am ready to train; I am not weak.

Sept 25, 2002

So my father has banned me from trying to hunt the demon. He thinks my emotions will cloud my judgment and I will end up severely injured or worse, dead. I don't think that is entirely true, his killing my baby was just a push towards wanting him dead. I want to train so that when I do face the demon I know exactly how to kill him. Since my father won't teach me or let me out of his sight I have nothing to do. I feel like I am on bed rest again. I've talked to Sam a few times, but I keep coming close to telling him about the demon.

Oct 7, 2002

I have a babysitter now. My father is afraid that I am going to run off again to track down the demon. My father got called out on a hunt by John Winchester. John then told Dean that he was to stay with me until they come back. My father added not to let me out of his sight. He told Dean that if he finds out I ran off he better have ran off with me and should never show his face around here. Dean was a little taken aback by this but agreed. I could tell that Dean didn't want to be there; he would rather be out hunting with his father. I didn't understand why my father was going with John, not Dean. My father left about two days ago and checks in like every hour. I find it quite annoying, but Dean, however, finds it amusing

Dean is a pretty cool guy. He knows a lot about demon hunting and he has shared many interesting stories about hunts he has gone on. He is the complete opposite of Sam. He doesn't take life as seriously as Sam and he has a better taste in music. He also has the sweetest car ever. It was handed down to him from John. It is a Chevy Impala, '67, four door, black with a tan interior. I asked him if I could drive it, but he just stared at me like I had something in my teeth. I took that as a no. Dean is also a complete slob, it has only been two days and the house already looks like a tornado went through it. I'm not a neat freak or anything, but I just don't understand how he could've made it this messy already. Sam always picked up after himself, but Dean is the other way around. My dad says that he is going to be away for about a week and then he should be back. Let's just hope Dean starts to pick up after himself before I have to tell him to.

Oct 15, 2002

My father comes home tomorrow from his hunt with John. I'm going to sort of miss Dean; he has made the past week very interesting. His stories have taught me so much. It is hard to believe he is related to Sam. I don't really see any resemblance. Some may say they have the same color eyes, but they really don't. Sam's eyes have more of a blue tint, while Dean's are more of a hazely green. Their personalities are so different, too. Sam worries so much about what people think and about trying to be normal. Dean, on the other hand, could care less about what others think; he just says whatever is on his mind. For example, we were at the supermarket the other day when this guy who looked like Kenny Rogers came walking down the aisle. Dean went over to him and asked him for his autograph. He then told the guy his favorite song by him is "Love or Something Like it." The guy didn't really know what to say. He just said thank you and then awkwardly walked out of the aisle. Sam would never do something like that; he would feel as if he were offending the man. Don't get me wrong Sam has a sense of humor. He just thinks a lot more about offending people. Dean cares about hurting others feelings just not as much.

Speaking of Sam I talked to him the other night and he asked me if it would be okay if he went out to dinner with Jessica. He started coming up with excuses as to why they were going out to dinner, thinking that I would feel betrayed or something. I just told him it would be fine, it's not like we were dating again. I then told him that Dean was watching me for the week. Sam said he was sorry. Sam just started complaining about all of Dean's quirks. After he was done I asked him if he wanted to talk to Dean. At first he thought I was joking, but then he realized I was serious. He said he would love to, but he had some work to get done. I could tell he was just pulling a lie out of his ass, but I wasn't going to say anything to him. If he didn't want to talk to Dean, then I am not going to force him to. We both said good night to one another and I haven't talked to him since.

I really don't want Dean to leave tomorrow. I'm going to be so bored here when he leaves. My father just makes me sit around watching TV, while Dean takes me places. He takes me out to dinner, mainly because neither one of us feels like cooking. We've also gone out to the movies a few times and Dean made me watch some old Steve McQueen movies. He gives me random music lessons about bands like Metallica, AC/DC, and Led Zeppelin. My father still calls every hour, so Dean and I can't stay out for too long. I don't want tomorrow to come.

Oct 18, 2002

So my father still hasn't come home yet. When he and John were on their way home they ran into another case. He said that would probably take another week.

I've been having these terrible nightmares where I am basically reliving the day the demon killed my baby. Even though I've already lived through the nightmare I don't want to reminded of that day. It is a day I want to forget about for a long time. The thing is that when I wake up I have the most excruciating pain in my head. It is like those headaches I had when I was pregnant. The random bursts of pain. It is so painful that I have woken up screaming some of the nights. Dean ran in the first night to see what was wrong, I just told him I was having a really bad nightmare. He ran in a couple times after that, but now he has learned to sleep through them.

Dean and I are running low on cash. My father only left us enough for one week. Dean said he would take care of it by going to the bar and winning it back by playing a few hands of poker. I was a little reluctant at first because what if he loses all our money in just one hand? He reassured me that he knew what he was doing; he also made me promise not to run off when he leaves to go to the bar. I just told him I never had any plans of running off; it was all in my father's head. He believed me and left. He hasn't been back yet and it is about 1:30am. He's either still playing poker or with some chick he just met that he won over using the cheesiest pick up line. Dean gets away with it because he doesn't give off the creepy, stalker vibe; he gives off the rebel-without-a-cause vibe. So many girls in bars find that hot that Dean doesn't even need to use a pickup line. I find myself attracted to him sometimes, but then I remember that I'm seventeen and Dean is twenty-three. Plus the attraction for him comes and goes, it is mainly there when he is being nice to me. Anyways, I hope Dean comes back with a lot of money, and then we could go out and have some real fun.

Oct 21, 2002

Dean tripled our earnings. We now have about $600 for the rest of the week. This is pretty awesome. Even though we've had the money for the past couple days we haven't really done anything with it yet. Dean says he has something planned for us tonight. How could he possibly know where to go around here for fun? I've lived here my whole life and I don't even know where to go for a really good meal. Maybe he asked my father. I don't really know why he wants to take me out, but if I get a free meal out of it that's cool with me.

I told Sam about how Dean was making all these plans. He just told me to be careful because if Dean considers this a date he might expect something after. I just told him not to worry, I'm a big girl and I know how to take care of myself. I then asked him how his date with Jessica went. He got very quiet and didn't really share much. I think he is just a little weirded out that I'm asking him about the girl he cheated on me with. I told him I was okay with him dating her, but he doesn't believe me. He doesn't understand how I can be so okay with it. I don't really understand it myself, but I'm really okay with him dating Jessica. Maybe it is because I have moved on and only care about Sam as a friend, or I could just be growing up.

Well, it's time for me to go get ready to go out with Dean. He says to dress casual, but nice. I really want to know where he is taking me. I hope it is an Italian restaurant because I am in the mood for some pasta. I'll just have to wait and see.

Oct 22, 2002

So dinner was amazing. Dean found this fantastic Thai restaurant. I'm not really sure how he found it because I have never heard of it and neither has my father. I asked him where he heard about it, he just said he asked some guys at the bar and that was where they suggested. I've never had Thai before so I played it safe and ordered some fried rice. Dean was a little more adventurous and got the Pad Kei Mao, I tried some and it was really good. I wish I would have been more courageous and gotten something other than fried rice. Dean kept telling me to get something different, he suggested either the Pad Thai or the Cashew Chicken. I just wasn't sure what I wanted and I didn't want to get something I wasn't going to enjoy.

After dinner Dean drove to a lake that is nearby. He had rented a paddleboat for us. He said he had never gone before and that he had always wanted to do it. I had never gone either so it made for an interesting adventure. The guy had to teach us how to steer. When we first started to go we almost ran into all the other paddleboats. We got a hang of it eventually, but it took us about ten minutes to go straight. We got very agitated with one another, but we got through it. When we were finally going straight we calmed down and started talking. The conversation was pretty casual until Dean asked me how I was holding up after losing my baby. I just looked away. Nobody had really asked me how I was feeling since the hospital. It was like the twenty-foot gorilla in the room, everybody wants to say something, but nobody does. Dean was the one who finally pointed out the gorilla. I was thinking of how to answer the question. All these different answers popped into my head. Then my mouth got ahead of my brain and I started saying things without even thinking. Luckily my mouth didn't get too far ahead and I was able to catch myself before I mentioned anything about the demon. Next thing I knew Dean was just staring at me with his mouth open. He wasn't expecting me to say so much in such a short period of time. Before I knew it I was crying uncontrollably. Dean put his arm around me and said everything would be okay. Then I looked up at him into those hazel eyes and told him everything was not going to be all right. I was about to go into detail about the demon, but I stopped myself. I noticed it was getting dark so I told him we should probably head back in.

After the paddle boating we went back to the house. Dean could tell that I still wasn't really in a good mood so he surprised me with some alcohol to cool the nerves. At first I thought he just wanted to take advantage of me by getting drunk, but I realized that was stupid because Dean would never do that. Dean just wanted to help me feel better. We stayed awake talking and drinking until about two in the morning. I didn't really get drunk, but I got a little tipsy. It was the most I had ever drunk.

Dean listened to me tell stories about Chicago until I finally asked him something that was bothering me. I asked him if he had a girlfriend. I wasn't trying to be forward I just wanted to know. He sat there thinking for a moment, then he said no, but he had just gotten out of a serious relationship. I asked him what happened. He took a long swig of his beer and then started telling me all about his ex. Her name was Cassie; she was the most beautiful, most kind girl ever. They met while he was on a hunt, but he never told her what he really did. He then decided that if he really cared about her he would have to be honest with her. When he told her the truth she broke up with him. He was devastated and heart-broken. After he told me this we both became silent. I had no clue what that was like, the only serious boyfriend I've had knew what I wanted to do and came from a similar background as me. Neither one of us really said anything the rest of the night.

When I woke up this morning Dean was already up, he was sitting at the table eating cereal. I poured myself a bowl and sat across from him. We both sat there in silence until he finally asked me not to tell his father or Sam about Cassie and why they broke up. I just told him his secret was safe with me.

Oct 27, 2002

My father still isn't back yet. He said he doesn't know when he'll be back. I'm guessing the job is a lot harder than he thought it was. He said it could be another week or it could be just one more day. He and John are having a lot of trouble figuring it out. They've called Dean for some help, but he has no clue. I decided it was my turn to help them. There was one person they hadn't asked for help and that was Sam. I called him up and told him all the details on the case. He said he had an idea of what it might be, but he wasn't sure. He had to do some quick research before he could give me a response. Two hours later he called me back with a possible answer. He said it sounds like it could be a shapeshifter, but he is unsure of what type.

I was about to hang up with him when he asked me about my little date with Dean went. I told him everything that happened, with the exception of my breakdown. He then asked me if Dean tried any moves on me. I just told him Dean was complete gentleman and kept his hands to himself. Sam seemed surprised by this answer. He almost sounded like he didn't believe me. I then heard Dean walking up the stairs, so I told Sam I had to go. Right after I hung up with Sam, Dean entered my room, he was hungry and wanted to go get some food. Over dinner I told Dean what I think the thing our fathers are hunting is. He said he didn't think about that and called his father to tell him the news.

Oct 31, 2002

Happy Halloween!

Dean and I are going to a Halloween party tonight at McHenry's, a bar around here. He made me a fake ID to use incase I feel like drinking. I'm going as Tinkerbell and he is going as Captain Hook. I tried to convince him to be Peter Pan, but he wouldn't wear tights. My costume looks pretty good, I've got a green pixie dress and gold wings. I even found shoes to go with the costume that I could possibly wear again. Dean's is okay; we found a pirate's costume set and got a wig. I have to do his makeup. Hopefully it will come together nicely. I'm really excited. If my dad had come home in time I would not be doing this. I would probably be sitting at home staring at the wall. In a way I don't want my father to come back or for Dean to leave. My father is basically ruining my life. He won't let me go anywhere or do anything.

Nov 2, 2002

So that Halloween party didn't go too well. Dean ended up putting some guy in the hospital because of me. I was at the party enjoying myself when I decided to get some fresh air. I went outside and sat on one of the benches. When I got up to go back in there was this guy in a vampire outfit standing by the door. The man must have been about 6'2" and 230 pounds; he was a big man. He came over to me and started telling me how good my costume was. I could tell that he was pretty drunk. I just said thanks and returned the compliment even though it was a pretty crappy costume. He then continued by telling me his biggest fantasy was having sex with Tinkerbell. I told him that was nice, but the next thing I knew he was attacking me trying to rip my dress off of me and feeling up my leg. I tried pushing him off of me, but he wouldn't stop. He had about 100 pounds on me. He kept trying to feel me up, I finally slapped him, but that made him more aggressive. He pushed me up against the wall and put his lips on my neck. He ripped the strap of my dress and was grabbing my breasts, but not tenderly, it really hurt.

I was about to kick him in the nuts when he was jerked off of me. I looked over and saw Dean attacking him. He was beating the crap out of him. As much as I wanted to see the guy dead I stopped Dean from beating him anymore. I didn't want Dean to end up killing the guy. The man was so bloody you would've thought a vampire attacked him. I noticed how badly Dean beat him that I thought it would be a good idea to call for an ambulance. I told Dean we were going to phone in an anonymous call. Dean thought I should stay behind and press charges for sexual assault, but I just wanted to get home and forget it ever happened. I knew that was the wrong thing to do, but I did not care. I also didn't want Dean to get in trouble for beating up the guy. I know he did it to protect me, but he could have just held the guy back and had me call the police. Dean finally gave in and agreed to the anonymous call.

We came home and went directly to bed. Neither one of us has mentioned the incident since that night. I've wanted to thank him, but I don't want to bring it up. It's bad enough that I have to relive my son's death every night in my dreams, but now I can't get this night out of my head.

My father is finally on his way home. I'm looking forward to his return. After the other night I really don't feel like talking to anyone. I have to make sure Dean doesn't say anything to my father.

Nov 10, 2002

Dean is gone and my father is back. Dean promised me that he wouldn't say a single word to anyone about what happened at the Halloween Party. I just turned on the water works and pleaded for him not to tell anyone. After about five minutes he gave in and promised me. Before Dean and John left we had a dinner all together. The two spent the night and then left in the morning. I gave Dean a hug and a kiss on the cheek goodbye. I also thanked him for everything. He said it was no problem and that if I ever needed him to just call him, and he'll be there in a heartbeat. That was about a week ago.

I've just been sitting around the house. I've been productive; I've done the cooking and cleaning for my father and me. My father thinks I want something from him because I've been so good. The reason for my recent behavior is just that I've been so bored since Dean left that I just started cleaning and reading recipes. I've been thinking about going back to school lately, getting my high school diploma and then possibly going to college. I haven't mentioned this to anyone, but I'm really considering it. The main reason being that I'm bored out of my mind. My father will think something is up if I mention that I want to go back to school. I might just get my GED and then go to college. I don't really know just yet, I'll just have to get the courage to tell my father. Registration for second semester of junior year is soon. I'll have to tell him tonight.

Nov 22, 2002

Sam is back for Thanksgiving break. I told him about my idea of going back to school. He said it would be a great idea and that I should say something soon. He did want to know why I had a sudden change of heart. I just told him I was bored and wanted to do something more productive with my life than just sit around watching VH1. He then started telling me how good that was of me. Then he started joking around and pinching my cheeks, saying in a goofy voice, "I'm so proud of you."

I felt it was time to change the subject so I asked him about Jessica. The expression on his face changed so quickly. It was the same expression I pictured on his face when I would ask him over the phone. He is still not comfortable with me asking him about Jessica. He better get comfortable with talking about her if he plans on keeping a relationship with her. He just said things were going fine, and then he changed the subject to Dean. He asked how the last few weeks went with him. I just gave him the same answer he gave me about Jessica. I'm not uncomfortable talking about Dean because nothing happened; I'm just uncomfortable with talking about the Halloween Party.

Sam then asked me if we were going to have a round two of last year. For all I knew we were having dinner with Sam, my father, and myself. My father hasn't mentioned any other guests. I think he learned his lesson last year. That's too bad that he isn't inviting them because Dean and I have become pretty good friends. I sort of miss him and his sarcastic humor. If Dean could come on his own without John that would be pretty cool because I don't think Sam is really angry with Dean. His father seems to be the one causing the problems, not Dean. Either way it's nice having one of the Winchesters here.

Sam thinks it would be a good idea to tell my father about my plans to go back to school at Thanksgiving dinner. I'm going to have to give it some more thought before I mention the idea to him. This would be a pretty serious commitment.

Nov 28, 2002

Sam cannot keep anything a secret. He told my father about my plans to go back to school. My father just looked shocked and confused. He didn't understand why I would want to go back when I hated it so much. I just told him I was bored sitting around the house with nothing to do since he won't teach me anything new about the supernatural world. He just said fine and that he would make a call on Monday to find out about enrolling in second semester. That was the end of that conversation. I really didn't talk the rest of dinner because I was upset Sam said something. That was my news to tell not his.

Dec 20, 2002

A month hasn't even gone past and Sam is back already. His winter break began yesterday. He flew out right away so he could beat the snowstorm that was supposed to hit last night. The snow has just begun to fall and it isn't even that hard. The news called for about five inches in about one hour. I have no clue what they're smoking, but at this rate it is going to take a good day to get five inches. So basically Sam rushed home for no reason. My father is all prepared for this storm, he has the snowplow on the truck with a full tank of gas, and he has blankets for all of us just incase the power goes out. This is the most worried I have ever seen my father over a weather report. Especially since nothing has really happened. I'm going to laugh in his face if nothing does happen.

Anyways, I talked to Dean the other day and he said he might be able to stop over for a while for Christmas. John said he will probably be too busy, but Dean can go without him. In other words, John doesn't want another taste of Thanksgiving last year. I really hope Dean will stop by for a little while even if it is just for an hour or two. I think I might go get a little something for Dean for Christmas. I have an idea of what to get him, something I know he will enjoy. I'll have to ask my father if I can get the keys to the truck or else I will have to walk. Sam could come with if that will make my father feel better.

Dec 27, 2002

Christmas was really good this year. Dean showed up and ended up spending the night because he drank a little too much eggnog. He loved the gift I got him. I ended up getting him a Led Zeppelin Zippo. I thought he would really like it, and I was right. Sam looked a little jealous when he saw what I got for Dean. I really couldn't think of anything to give Sam so I gave him a day-by-day calendar with crazy courts cases. He liked it, but you could tell I didn't put much thought into it as I did with Dean's gift. My father's gift from me was this rare book I found on Samuel Colt. It has all these interesting facts about him that most people do not know.

My gifts from people were pretty good, but still not as amazing as the one Sam got me last year. Sam got me a gift certificate to Old Navy. My father gave me $100 to spend on my own, and he promised to be less strict. Dean got me some pretty thoughtful things. First he gave me his copies of all the old Steve McQueen movies. Then he surprised me by giving me this really old, antique necklace that had this weird symbol on the pendant. He said one of his clients gave it to him to give to someone special. My father and Sam looked at Dean like he was some sort of molester. They thought he meant someone special like a girlfriend. I knew that he meant someone that he cared a lot about, and he probably figured that Sam or John wouldn't really like the necklace. Dean had to explain himself to my father and Sam. Once he did they looked a little better, but Sam still watched us to see if anything was going on. Seriously, nothing is going on between Dean and I. We are just friends.


	3. Year 2003

Jan 3, 2003

It is finally the New Year. I can put 2002 behind me and start the year fresh. So much for keeping to my resolutions from last year. Soon after the New Year last year Sam and I broke up. Last year was just a crazy one. I lost my virginity, got pregnant, ran away from home, almost got killed by a demon, lost my baby because of said demon, moved back home, and got raped. I think I have most seventeen year olds beat for the craziest year. I'm really glad that the New Year is here. I didn't really do anything to bring in the New Year. Sam and I just stayed home and watched some old movies. It was fine, but there are better ways of bringing in the New Year. I'm not really sure what but there are.

I start school in just two days. I'm a little nervous. I have to get back into the habit of doing homework and studying for tests. I don't think it should be too difficult seeing as how there is nothing for me to do around the house. My father bought me a bunch of pens, pencils, notebooks, and folders. My classes this semester are English, Gym, Algebra II, American History, Latin, and Psychology. I'm looking forward to none of those classes except maybe Psychology. Latin is going to be easy because I already know most of it. My father has taught me Latin since I was young. I'm so not looking forward to school. I didn't really think about it, but I don't know anyone in my grade. I guess I will just have to make some friends. My father tells me I shouldn't have any problems making friends because I'm a nice girl. He has to say that because he's my father. Sam just tells me to be myself and if they don't like me than that's their problem.

Jan 10, 2003

So I survived my first week of high school. Well it's not technically my first week, but it's my first one since I left last March. It is strange to walk those halls again. I recognized some people from before I left; most of them look much older. Some of them have said hi to me, but most of them just stare and look confused. I can tell when a lot of them are talking about me because they look right at me. Other than the stupid classmates, my classes are going just fine. My teachers have been pretty cool for the most part. Homework hasn't been too difficult yet. Algebra I have ten problems a night, English we are reading Catcher in the Rye, American History really hasn't had much work, Latin is just problems from the workbook (easy), and Psych is just reading from the textbook. It sounds like a lot, but it usually takes me less than three hours a night. Sam has helped me with Psych and my father has helped me a little with Latin. I haven't fallen behind, yet. Dean is still confused as to why I wanted to go back to school. He keeps telling me that once I turn eighteen I can leave home and start hunting, but instead I'd rather go to school. He thinks Sam is rubbing off on me. I told him it was my idea; Sam had nothing to do with it. He never seems to believe me when I tell him this.

Jan 28, 2003

School has been keeping me busy. I took my first round of tests last week. Teachers seem to plan tests right around the same time. I got some pretty decent grades on them. In English I got a B+, American History I got an A-, Latin I got an A, Psych I got a B, and in Algebra I got a…D. So I didn't do so hot in Algebra, what can I say I suck at math. My father wasn't too happy with this grade. He said that if my next one isn't above a C he is going to get me a tutor.

I'm starting to make some friends at school. There's this one girl named Mikah who is pretty cool. She's from Germany and moved here about two years ago. Her English is pretty good. There are some occasions when she has some trouble. She is pretty laid back and has a great sense of humor. She is really into Greek mythology and tells me all these stories. I haven't really hung out with her outside of school, but that is mainly because of scheduling issues. She works a lot at night and over the weekends. Mikah has introduced me to quite a few other people who I have become friends with. It is nice having friends who don't know everything about you.

Feb 12, 2003

I'm getting a tutor for algebra. I got a C- on my last test. I tried to convince my father that I was doing better and to wait for the next test score. He just said no because it could possibly be too late. I'm not really looking forward to getting a tutor. I really tried to improve my grade; I just don't understand the stuff. I don't want some nerd teaching me how to do something I don't know how to do.

Feb 26, 2003

The tutor my dad got me is one gorgeous man. He has brown hair, blue eyes, an athletic build, somewhat like Sam's, and is about six foot. He comes over every Monday and Wednesday for about an hour. He goes to school with me, but is a senior. The grade I would be in if I hadn't run away from home. When I see him at school he says hi to me, but other than that we haven't had much interaction.

The first time he came over I was confused as to who was at the door. I was expecting some nerd who looked like Anthony Michael Hall from _Sixteen Candles_, but he looks nothing like that. His name is Nate. I really want to get to know him outside of the tutoring sessions, but I don't want to weird him out. I'm not sure if he is okay with having a relationship with someone he tutors. There is something there between us, but I could just be imagining it. I asked Mikah what she knows about him and she just told me she has a class with him and that he is single. That was good news because I don't have to worry about flirting with someone who is taken.

March 6, 2003

My birthday was pretty good this year, a lot better than last year. I'm finally legal! It started out like any other day. I woke up, went to school, and then came home. I saw that I had three voicemails on my cell phone. I could think of two people who would call, but I couldn't think of the third. I called my voicemail and started the messages. The first one was from Sam wishing me a happy birthday and to give him a call if I wasn't too busy. The next one was from Nate, my math tutor. He was calling to remind me that we had tutoring and for me to meet him at the library at six instead of seven. I couldn't believe he was going to make me study math on my birthday. The last message was from Dean and John wishing me a happy birthday. Dean said he would call me later to talk to me about something. I wasn't quite sure what he needed to talk to me about.

When I was done listening to the messages I called Sam back. He is finally comfortable talking about Jess. I didn't bring her up this time, he did. They're getting pretty serious. He said that they're planning on moving in together next year. I know I should be jealous because he was my first love and I was carrying his baby, but I'm really not. I am genuinely happy for him and Jess.

At six I went to the library to meet Nate, but he wasn't there. I waited for him for about half an hour when he finally gave me a call. He said his car broke down on Main Street and was wondering if I could go over there and help him jump his car. I was a little fed up because this was not how I planned on spending my birthday. When I got to Main Street Nate's car was there with the hood up, but Nate was nowhere in sight. I pulled up to his car, popped the hood, and got out of the car. Then from behind his car Nate popped out with a bouquet of flowers and a present. My anger towards him immediately went away. I was confused and wondering what was going through his head. He had never shown any interest in me before and now he shows up with flowers and a present on my birthday. He asked me if I had dinner yet, I didn't realize it until he asked how hungry I really was. He told me it was my choice for dinner and it was his treat. I thought about it for a minute when I finally remembered the Thai restaurant Dean took me to. I hadn't been there since that night. Nate said that was cool with him and then he told me to hop into his car. I then said the stupidest thing ever. I said, "But I thought your car broke down." He had to explain to me that it was a decoy, when I already knew that. I felt like a total dumb ass.

At the Thai place I was a little more adventurous and went with the Pad Thai. It was amazing and I was so glad I ordered it. The entire dinner was great. I learned so much about Nate and his family. He was born and mainly raised in Wisconsin until about three years ago when his father relocated to South Dakota. He is a middle child with one older brother and a younger sister. His family is so normal compared to mine. He asked me about my family, but I wasn't sure what to tell him. I told him my real parents died when I was an infant and Bobby adopted me. The only picture I have of my biological parents I got a year ago for Christmas. He said he was sorry, and then he changed to subject to something happier. We talked for about a half hour after the check came and then we finally left. Nate was asking me if there was anything else I wanted to do when my father called me asking me where I was. I told him I was with Nate. My father told me in a very authoritative voice to come home now. I was a little concerned, why did I have to come home so soon, it was only 8:30. I told Nate the situation, and he said it was fine. He dropped me off at my car and said he would follow me home to make sure I got home safe.

When I got home I was walking up the front steps when Nate told me to wait. I had forgotten my flowers and present in the car. He came over to give them to me when he leaned in for a kiss; I was about to kiss him when I heard a coughing sound from the doorway. My father was standing there with Dean right behind him. My father pulled me in and shut the door, but not before I said goodnight and thank you to Nate. I was a little baffled as to why my father was acting like this. I asked my father what was going on, but he just told me to take a seat.

I put the flowers and present Nate gave me on the coffee table and sat down. My father started by asking me what happened at the Halloween Party while he was away. I didn't really know how to answer this. I just told him there were some dancing, conversing, and games of poker going on. He asked me if anything else happened. I played dumb and said not that I could remember. He then asked Dean to refresh my memory. Dean just looked up at him and then at me. He looked like he didn't want to answer the question. Dean just asked if we could do this some other day, like when it wasn't my birthday. My father got upset and ordered Dean to refresh my memory. Dean finally did as he asked and told his side of the story about when I was raped. When he was finished he stood up and walked out of the room. I never knew Dean had such a sensitive side. I was going to go after him, but my father told me to sit back down.

I was so scared. Where was my father going with this? I had gotten over being raped. It was almost a half a year ago. My father turned to me and asked me why I had never told him about this. I was trying to think of a way to answer the question without getting an angry response from my father. There really was nothing I could say that wouldn't get some sort of rise out of him. I finally told him that I didn't want him to have to worry about me anymore than he already did. My father took a deep breath and said in a calm voice that it was his job as my father to worry about me. He then sat down next to me and put his arm around me. He called for Dean to come back into the living room. About one minute later Dean came out from the kitchen. He was standing there looking at my father wanting to know what he wanted. My father got up and walked over to Dean, put his arms on Dean's shoulders, and then pulled him in for a hug. He started thanking Dean for protecting me. Dean looked a little shocked and uncomfortable. My father then stopped hugging him and walked out of the room.

Dean came over and plopped down next to me on the couch. He slapped my leg and said happy birthday. I just punched him on the shoulder and went up to my room. About a half minute later I heard Dean marching up the stairs. He knocked once on the door and then opened it. He walked in holding his shoulder asking me what that was for. I then started yelling at him asking how he could tell my father after he promised he wouldn't. He said it slipped out and before he could take it back his father wanted to hear more. Once John got the whole story out of Dean he called my father and told him what had happened. Dean said he tried to warn me by calling me earlier, but I didn't have my phone on me.

I started to calm down a little bit after that. I sat down on my bed taking some deep breaths when out of nowhere I started bawling my eyes out. I put my hands over my face and just started crying. Then I felt Dean sit down next to me and he just put his arm around me not saying anything. After about ten minutes I finally stopped crying. Dean then asked me about Nate and what was going on there. I didn't really know what to tell him because I wasn't sure what was going on. I just told him he was my math tutor and he surprised me by taking me out to dinner. Dean started cracking jokes about doing the math tutor. We sat up in my room talking about life until I looked at the time and realized that I had school the next morning. I kicked Dean out of my room at about 11:30. He kissed me on the forehead good night and then went into the room next to mine to sleep. It may not sound like the night was that great, but it was because now Nate and I are pretty close. I apologized to him about my father's behavior. I also thanked him again for dinner and the gift. Oh, the gift was a bracelet cut from a piece of leather with this really cool pendent on the end; he made it himself.

March 18, 2003

Sam has been in for the past few days for Spring Break. He was going to go to Jess's and meet her family, but the idea backfired. Something came up and Jess couldn't have Sam come over. Instead he decided to come back to our house. Sam wanted to meet Nate and see if he is worthy of my time. I told Sam all about my birthday and what Nate did for me. I left out what happened after dinner with my father and Dean. Sam didn't meet Nate until he came over to tutor me. Nate was polite and introduced himself to Sam. Sam seemed a little jealous or something about Nate. Sam started grilling him asking him all these questions. He was acting like my father or an overprotective brother. After about five minutes I had to stop Sam and told him Nate has a job to do. Later, when Nate left Sam said he approved of Nate. He seemed like a good guy with some real ambition in life. I was glad Sam approved of him, but Nate and I aren't officially together. It has only been about two weeks since my birthday and we've gone on one date since then. It was a good date, but nothing has been confirmed that we are together. It's not like when Sam and I were together. We were living in the same house together and knew where each other were all the time. I haven't even met Nate's family.

I've been trying to think of a way to train myself. I'm getting weaker everyday, and I want to build up my strength again. I looked at classes at the YMCA and found a kickboxing and self-defense class. I have been thinking of going, but tutoring with Nate clashes with it. I might just talk to him and see if he can change our tutoring time. The only big problem is my father. He would want to know where I am going for those two hours and why Nate had to change tutoring times. Dean thinks I should just tell my father the truth. I'm a little scared to tell my father. He might think that I want to pursue the demon again or go out hunting. The truth is I just want to get in shape again.

April 1, 2003

My father kicked me out of the house. I have been moving from place to place. Just kidding, April Fools! Everything is fine at home. I'm on Spring Break right now. Nate came over a few times; he likes my house more than his own. He says because his house is too loud with his brother and sister. He gets along great with my father. I'm really glad they get along.

I told Nate about changing the time for tutoring and he said it was fine. We are meeting an hour later. I signed up for the class and start taking it next week. I'm super pumped for that class. I can get so much anger out. The class is about an hour and a half. It costs quite a bit of money though. It was roughly $50 because I am a non-member. It will be worth it though. I didn't tell Nate why I needed to reschedule, but he never really asked. If he does ask I'll just tell him I have a class to take.

My father wants me to sign up for classes over summer break. There really is no harm in taking them. He says I will probably be able to graduate by December. I'm still trying to decide if I want to go off to college or not. I don't even know what I would major in. I'll have to see. Speaking of college Nate is going this fall. His school is about two hours from here. So it is not that far. I'm not really worried because I dated Sam while he was at college. Wait a second, Sam cheated on me while he was away at school; maybe it isn't such a good idea to date Nate when he goes away. I'll have to see how I feel. Right now I don't want to and I'm pretty sure I won't want to in a couple months from now, but you never know.

April 20, 2003

Happy National Pot Smoking Day and Hitler's Birthday!

My father is leaving me at home alone for a week or so. His friend Caleb called him for help and he accepted. He asked me if it would be okay before he said yes. I'm kind of looking forward to having the house to myself, but I'm not at the same time. I'm going to like the freedom, but I'm not going to enjoy the loneliness. I feel weird asking Nate if he wants to spend the night because he might think I'm coming on to him. At least I have school to keep me preoccupied.

April 25, 2003

I'm getting a little worried because I haven't heard from my father since he left four days ago. I've tried calling him several times and left two voicemails. That was about two days ago that I left him the voicemails. He could just be in an area with no cell reception, or he could be severely hurt or worse, dead. I can't think negatively. I have to think positive. I checked with Dean, Sam, and John to see if they've heard from him, but none have. All three of them told me to just remain calm. Nate wouldn't understand why I'm so upset and worried. He thinks my father is on some business trip somewhere.

Speaking of Nate, we've hung out at my house once since my father left. We didn't even do much, he seems nervous, like my father is going to walk in at any moment. I'm not sure what he thinks I have in mind. Last time I had sex I ended up pregnant. I know it isn't possible for me to get pregnant, but I am still very sensitive to the issue. It was nice having him over here. We just made some dinner, watched a movie, and then kissed each other goodnight, nothing too crazy. Nate mentioned going camping with some friends after Prom. I hadn't really thought about Prom. I wasn't planning on going, but I didn't say anything to Nate about that. It seemed to me that he really wanted to go. I'm going to have to talk to my father about buying me a dress. I don't own one, not even a casual one. I don't even think I own a skirt, if I do it's probably from like eighth grade. I'll also have to schedule a hair appointment, and I'm not really sure what else. I'll have to ask Mikah what to do to get ready.

May 4, 2003

My father is back; he said he was in an area with no phone reception. He wanted to use a pay phone, but Caleb complained that he was slowing them down. I told my father about Prom; at first he thought I was joking, but when he noticed I wasn't laughing he knew I was serious. He didn't really know what to say. I went on and told him I needed to get a dress, schedule a hair appointment, and get my nails and makeup done. He wanted to know who was going to pay for all that. I told him I was hoping he would pay for half and then I would pay for the other half. He just said that he would think about it. Mikah said she would go with me to find a dress. She is really excited for me. She wanted to know what we had planned for after. I knew she wanted to know if we were planning on having sex. I just told her he had planned on going to some cabin with some people after. She just nodded and changed the subject.

Sam is happy I'm going to Prom. He says it is something all teenagers need to experience. I then asked him about his Prom, he said he never went, but wishes he had. His father made him go with him on a hunt the week of his Prom. Sam said he would be back here in time to see me go to the Prom. I haven't told Dean yet about going to Prom, I just don't feel like he needs to know.

May 16, 2003

Prom is in about two weeks. I scheduled a hair appointment and Mikah said she could do my makeup and my nails. My father said he would pay for me to get my hair done, but I have to pay for the dress. I already found my dress it is very simple, but I really love it. It is black and comes just below the knees. It is a halter, so I had to buy a special bra for it. The bottom is asymmetrical and is angled to the left. The best part about the dress is the cost. I got it for $25 because it was on clearance. Mikah loves the dress on me; she thinks it fits me like a glove. I'm starting to look forward to going to Prom. Nate said that the cabin is about two hours from here and there are about three other couples coming with us. We will be going for the entire weekend.

Sam is done with school already, but won't be here for another week because he is spending the week with Jessica's family for the first time. I hope they aren't too mean to him. I don't think they will, it is hard to not like Sam. School is done in a week for me. It is not really done for me though because just two weeks after I get out I have to go back for summer school. I'm taking an English class for the first semester and then I'm taking a history class for the second semester.

May 29, 2003

I'm all set and ready to go to the Prom; I'm just waiting for Nate to get here. He isn't late or anything, I'm just finished really early. My hair looks really good. I had the stylist put it half up, half down and she curled my hair. Then Mikah did my nails and makeup. She did a really good job. My nails are like a dark burgundy color. The way she did my makeup is just amazing. I don't really ever wear makeup because I seem to mess it up. Mikah made my eyes real dark, it looks sexy. My father barely recognized me when I came out from my room after Mikah was finished. Sam's jaw dropped more than I thought it could. I just took it as a compliment. I can't wait until Nate sees me. I didn't think I would get this excited about going to a dance. My dad is still confused as to why I decided to go. I feel like a girl for once because of what I'm wearing and how I'm feeling about going to a dance. This weekend will be fun, I hope. My father said to call him every so often so he knows I'm alive. I'm surprised my father gave me permission to go. I thought he would tell me to come home right after Prom, but I was wrong.

June 1, 2003

So this weekend at the cabin was interesting. We arrived at the cabin around two in the morning. All of us were tired so we went to our designated sleeping areas. Nate already claimed the big queen size bed for the two of us. We each changed into our pajamas and went to bed.

Everyone woke up around eleven and had some brunch. After brunch we all went to the lake to swim and just goof around. We were on our way back to the cabin, which was about three blocks from the lake, when I spotted a familiar car. There sitting about one block away from the cabin was a black '67 Impala. I couldn't tell if it was Dean's car or not, but I decided to check it out. I told everyone I would catch up with them, but I had forgotten something back at the lake. Nate insisted he come with, but I told him to go back with everyone else. I started heading for the lake, but took a U-turn when I saw everybody was out of sight. I ran over to the Impala to check it out. I looked at it for just one second and knew it was Dean's. The license plate gave it away for me. Dean was not in the vehicle, which made me wonder where he went. I waited by his car for a good ten minutes, but he never showed up. I decided to go back to the cabin before Nate started to worry about me.

When I got to the cabin I decided to search the area for Dean. I looked all around for him, but was interrupted by Nate. He wanted to know what I was looking for. I just told him I was taking in the cabin and the area that surrounds it. We then went inside where people were lying around waiting to take showers. There was only one shower in the cabin with four bedrooms. Everyone decided to order some pizza for dinner. I was about to throw in a ten, but Nate stopped me. He insisted he pay for it and for me to put my money away. He then told me to go up and take a shower. I did as he told me and twenty minutes later I was done with my shower. About an hour later the pizza arrived and everyone started eating. We all ate outside on the screened in porch.

As we were sitting outside talking, Pete, one of Nate's friends, went inside and came out with a six-pack of beer. He said it was time to get the party started. We all cleaned up and went to the back to start a bonfire. Pete offered me a beer, but I declined because I knew Dean was watching somewhere. Nate gave me a strange look and also declined. I told Nate he could have a drink if he wanted one. At first Nate was hesitant to take a beer, but after about a half hour he finally took one. Alex finally suggested we play a game.

We started playing charades when out of the corner of my eye I saw something move. I looked in that direction, but there was nothing there. I went back to the game when I saw something move again in the same area. I decided to go over there to check it out thinking it was probably Dean. Everyone was preoccupied with the game to notice me get up. I walked over to where I saw movement, but nothing was there but a bunch of trees. That's when I heard someone behind me; I turned around to see Dean standing there. He just stood there with a grin on his face and then after about ten seconds he finally said hello. I just stood there staring at him. I knew he was there, but it didn't become real until I physically saw him. I asked him what he was doing here. He started to answer the question when Nate showed up wondering what was going on. I told him I was wondering the same thing. Dean avoided the question all together and just introduced himself to Nate. He said he was a friend of mine and just happened to be in town. Nate invited him to join us. Then he put his arm around me and led us back to the campfire. Dean followed, grabbed a beer, and then sat by the fire.

Everybody looked at Dean with confusion, wondering where he came from. Nate finally introduced him as one of my friends from back home. Peggy, Pete's date, asked Dean how old he was. He replied with his real age of twenty-four. Pete then asked him if he would buy us more alcohol. Dean said sure as long as they paid him extra. Everybody gave him a list of what they wanted and Dean was on his way. As Dean was walking to his car I decided to go with him so I could talk to him without any interruptions. Nate looked a little confused and concerned as to why I was going with Dean.

Dean and I were on our way to the liquor store when we got to the reason he was here. Subconsciously I knew the answer, but I just needed to hear it for myself. It took Dean a while to spit out the truth that my father sent him to keep an eye on me. I knew it was too easy for me to get this weekend away from my father. Dean said not to worry, it could be worse he could've sent John. I had to agree with him there. At least Dean was cool enough to get my friends alcohol and to hang out with them. I told Dean to watch what he talks about; these people don't know what my father really does for a living. He said not to worry, and then we went into the liquor store, when we got back the real party started. Everyone just started drinking and playing games.

Peggy suggested we play the childhood game of Truth or Dare. At first it sounded like a good idea and everyone was playing well until it got to me. Kevin asked me truth or dare, I decided to be adventuress and take a dare. I now wish I had chosen truth. Kevin sat there for a good minute thinking of a good dare when he glanced over at Dean and gave a sinister smile. I knew what was coming next and braced myself. Kevin dared me to go over and make out with Dean for a good minute. I said no right away. Nate was right there; I wasn't going to make out with somebody else right in front of him. Kevin told me to take the dare or take the chicken. Nate told me not to worry and take the dare. He said he didn't care and that it was just a game. I looked around at Nate and Dean. Dean just sat there wanting to know if he was getting a make out session or not. After about a minute of contemplating I took the dare. I walked over to Dean, sat on his lap, and started making out with him. We had Kevin keep time to tell us when a minute was up. At first I was holding back, but then this sensation washed over me and I started to really enjoy kissing Dean. My lips and my hands started to have a mind of their own, as did Dean's. Right before Kevin stopped us I felt mini-Dean fighting to come out to play. It was awkward, Dean tried to cover it with his shirt, but Nate noticed it.

Nate didn't say anything right away, but when it got to his turn to ask truth or dare he picked Dean. Dean picked truth. Nate asked Dean to explain why he got a boner when he made out with me. Dean turned into his smooth, I-don't-care self and told him, "It's simple, I'm a guy, she's a girl. I like girls sexually and Sophie is one hot chick." I was sort of flattered by this, but at the same time I knew Nate was not happy with this answer. He walked over to Dean and punched him. Dean just sat there with a bloody lip. Nate ran into the house followed by his friends. I asked Dean if he was all right, but he just told me to go after Nate; I told Dean I was sorry and then I ran into the house looking for Nate. Dan, another one of Nate's friends, told me he was in our room and that he was very upset. I wasn't quite sure what Nate was so upset about. Dean just said I was hot, it's not like he called me a bitch or whore. If he called me one of those I would've punched him myself.

I went into the room to talk to Nate. Nate was just sitting on the bed, not doing much. I sat on the bed next to him and just put my arm around him. He said, after a minute, that he took things out of hand. I just nodded in agreement. He apologized and then admitted that he had never punched anyone before. I told him it was a pretty good punch for his first time. He complained that his hand hurt. I took his hand in mine, brought it up to my mouth, and gave it a kiss. Nate finally turned his head and looked me in the eye for the first time since I had stepped in the room. We just gazed into each other's eyes for what felt like a good hour, but couldn't have lasted more than a couple of seconds. We then started making out hardcore. Nate and I started taking each other's clothes off. Nate pinned me down to the bed. I started to remember the Halloween Party and when I got raped. Before I realized it I was yelling at him to stop it. I was basically in tears; Nate stopped immediately and asked what was wrong. I just told him I didn't want to talk about it, grabbed my clothes, and ran out of the room.

I went into the bathroom, threw my clothes in the corner, and crawled into the bathtub. I sat there just thinking about everything, after about one minute of thinking I started crying, crying so hard I could barely breathe. I tried to keep it down so nobody would hear me, which didn't help with my breathing. I heard someone coming so I stopped myself temporarily and shut the shower curtain. About twenty seconds later I heard the door open and a male's voice. I was focusing on not crying or making any noise to notice right away who had walked into the bathroom. I realized that it was Dean and he was talking to someone on his cell phone. I was curious as to who he was on the phone with. I sat in the bathtub listening to the conversation when I figured out whom he was talking to. He was on the phone with my father telling him what we had been up to. I was fine with what he was telling him until he told him that Nate and I were sleeping in the same bed. I wasn't sure why Dean had told him that, why was that relevant? He then continued and told my father that Nate and his friends made him go out and buy them alcohol. He said they all got drunk and were being very inconsiderate. He continued by telling my father that he thinks Nate and his friends are a bad influence. I got very upset by this because Dean was flat out lying.

I stood up and opened the shower curtain, Dean jumped so high, and he had no clue that I was in the bathroom with him. Once he saw that I was there he hung up with my father and just stood there staring at me. He then finally asked me what I was doing in the bathtub. I told him it was none of his concern. I continued by commenting on his conversation with my father. He just said "thank you" in his Dean like way. I ignored that remark and asked him how he could lie to my father about Nate. Nate was not drunk and he is not a bad influence on me. Dean came back with saying Nate was drunk and he punched him for no reason. I told him Nate was just being stupid and not thinking before he acted. Dean was about to say something back when he finally realized I wasn't wearing pants. I totally forgot as well, I was too in the heat of the moment to remember I wasn't wearing pants. Dean asked me where they were and why they were off. I pointed at the pants in the corner and told him it was none of his business why my pants were off. I tried to get back on topic, but Dean asked me if I had been crying. I got taken aback by that, how did he know I had been crying? Were my eyes that red? Dean could tell by the awkward silence that the answer was yes. He asked me what happened, what did Nate do to me? I told him that Nate didn't really have anything to do with it. Dean asked me if I wanted to talk about it. Before I could think about what I was saying I was saying it. I just asked him in the bitchiest way possible, "Why so you can tell my dad?"

Dean took real offense to this and stormed out of the bathroom. After he left I got my pants, put them on, cooled off for a few minutes, and then went back to the room Nate and I were staying in. Nate was already in bed pretending to be asleep. I could tell he wasn't really sleeping by his breathing. I changed into my pajamas and then went into bed with Nate.

Nate and I woke up before anyone else in the house. We went to the kitchen and made ourselves some breakfast. We sat at the counter in uncomfortable silence eating our breakfast until Dean walked in making things even more awkward. Dean seemed a little surprised to see us awake already. He grabbed a slice of pizza from the fridge and left. Dean left the cabin for good around noon.

At about three we all left the cabin to go home. Kevin dropped me off at my house at about 5:30. I walked in and Sam was watching television while my dad was in the kitchen making dinner. Sam asked me how the cabin was. I told him to ask my father. I then proceeded on into the kitchen to have a little chat with my father. I told my father smooth move having Dean watch me while I was at the cabin. My father played dumb acting like he had no clue what I was talking about. I proceeded to tell him that if he wanted to know what I was up to he should've just called me. Sam must've heard me yelling because he came into the kitchen asking what was up. My father told him that it was nothing. I interrupted and told Sam what my father had done. I told him my father sent Dean to baby-sit my friends and me. Then I stormed out and went to my room. A half hour later Sam came into the room asking me if I wanted to talk about the weekend. At first I was a little hesitant, but after awhile of telling him about the weekend I really started to open up. I told him everything from finding Dean's car to the Truth or Dare game to my confrontation with Dean in the bathroom. I had totally forgotten that Sam didn't know about me being raped. He got all concerned and asked me when that happened. I got all nervous; I didn't feel like talking about this again. I just gave him the quick story: it was Halloween, it was by some drunken guy, and Dean stopped him. Sam could tell I didn't want to talk about it anymore so he changed the topic. That was about it for the weekend. Besides all the drama nothing else has happened, so far.

June 17, 2003

School may be out for summer for some people, but it is not for me. I started classes again this week. It is hard to go to school when it is so nice outside and when others don't have to go. Sam sits at my home helping my father with this and that while I am sitting in a hot classroom listening to my teacher talk about god knows what. I've already got homework to do. Nate keeps calling me to do something, but I have to keep telling him I'm busy with school. He doesn't understand how I have so much to do when it is only the first week. Summer school is much more difficult than normal school. The class is taught for a short length of time. Instead of class for an hour, the class is for three hours. Time goes by so slow. It is hard to sit in an English class for that long. My teacher wants us to have our first paper written by Monday and to have the first 150 pages of A Tale of Two Cities read. Nate suggested getting the Cliff Notes version of the book and just reading those. I gave it some thought, but decided not to take the easy way out.

I haven't really talked much to Dean since we had our little fight. He says he is on a job right now and can't really talk. I'm still pretty upset about what he said about Nate and his friends. My father believed everything that Dean told him about Nate. I could tell by the way my father looks at Nate when he comes over. I get this feeling that he sends Sam over to spy on us, but I'm not sure. It seems like whenever Nate and I hang out together Sam is somewhere around us. It could just be that he doesn't really have anybody else to talk to besides my father. Sam does talk on the phone a lot with Jessica. Sam is very serious about her. He says that he thinks he's in love. He asked me if I'm in love with Nate. I told him it was too soon to tell. Nate and I have only been dating for three months. Sam says that he's happy for us, and he hopes that we last. It should be weird talking to your ex about new relationships, but for Sam and I it just seems like another conversation.

July 4, 2003

Happy Independence Day!!

Just two more weeks of summer school and then I have the rest of the summer off. Nate wants to spend as much of that time with me as possible. He says his time is limited with me because he will soon be going off to college. I'm worried about him going away to school because of what happened with Sam when he went away. There are going to be so many girls there throwing themselves at him. Nate is a very attractive guy with an amazing personality, what girl wouldn't want to hit that? I'm also worried because Nate and I haven't had sex yet; what if some hot skank tries to seduce him and succeeds because I haven't slept with him yet? Look at what I have become. I'm going to be one of those annoying girlfriends that check on their boyfriends every ten minutes. I blame Sam for this. If he would have never cheated on me I would be able to trust guys. Nate would never cheat on me, but then I never thought Sam would be the type to cheat, either. Damn you Sam!

In other news, tonight Nate and I are going to see fireworks at some golf course. They are supposed to be amazing. I'm looking forward to it. It is supposed to only be us two going. I mean there will be other people there, just not with us.

July 20, 2003

Summer school is finally over and now I have the rest of the summer to relax. There is about one month left until I start school again. My father wants me to talk to my counselor to find out if I can graduate early. I'm still trying to decide if I want to go to college or not. Nate leaves for college one week before I start school. He has been with me everyday so far since summer school has been over. My father thinks I spend too much time with him. He thinks I should be more productive with my time, meaning he wants me to get a job. I told him I would look, but I don't really want to start working until Nate leaves. My father informed me that the local library was hiring and to hurry up and apply. I went over there and got an application to make my father happy.

Aug 2, 2003

Just two more weeks until Nate leaves for college. I'm really going to miss him. I really need to stop dating guys who are about to leave.

I got a job working at a coffee shop in town. I am a barista now. I just started training this week. It is a really nice place. It isn't like Starbucks; it is much more high class. The shop is only two blocks from my school so I can just walk right over after school. Right now the hours aren't too bad. I'm usually done working by two o'clock. My father is very happy that I got the job. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I'm spending less time with Nate.

Aug 10, 2003

Two more days, that's all the time I have left with Nate. I told my boss at the coffee shop that I want these two days off and he gave them to me. Then this morning I get a phone call asking me to come in because they are extremely short. I was a little hesitant at first, but then I decided to go for it. Nate and I didn't have plans until later. I got to the coffee shop and saw that we had a new employee. She looks to be about 20 or 21, has brown, wavy hair, and is from England. How cool is that? She seems really nice and sounds so proper when she talks. You can definitely tell she is from the upper class part of England. My manager trained her, but she picked up on everything pretty quickly. She already knew how to make most of the coffee drinks. Oh, her name is Annabelle.

Aug 13, 2003

Nate is now gone for college. Sam also left, so now it is just my father and I. Luckily I have the job at the coffee shop to keep my mind off of this.

Annabelle is really cool, today at work we got to talk a lot more with one another. I found out where she is from in England and mainly why she is here in South Dakota. She said she moved here because she was offered a job, but after a couple of months the company went bankrupt and had to lay people off. Her lease for her apartment isn't up for another five months. She found out that the coffee shop was hiring so she applied and the rest I already know. She asked me about my family. I told her the cleaned up version that my parents died when I was a baby so Bobby raised me. She apologized for the loss of my parents.

I'm sort of looking forward to going back to school. Annabelle couldn't believe I was still in school. She thinks I look much too old to be in high school. I told her that I took a semester off and have to stay an extra semester. She wanted to know why I took off a semester, but I just told her it was personal.

Aug 28, 2003

School is back in session. My counselor thinks that I should be able to graduate by the end of this semester. He asked me what my plans are for after high school. I told him I was thinking about college, but I wasn't sure. He gave me several brochures to different schools. Some were public, some were private. After looking through some of them I'm definitely giving college a thought. I talked to Annabelle about it and she thinks I should go. She asked me if taking off that semester would hurt my chances of getting in. I told her I hoped not. Now that I am thinking about it, it might. My father thinks I should go for it. He thinks that if I write a good enough essay to the school then I might get in. So I have started some of those. Both Sam and Nate recommended that I visit my top schools so I can really get a feel for the place. I'm not even sure which ones are my top schools. I'm still trying to decide if I want to go. Then there is the million-dollar question on what I want to major in. There really isn't any career I could see myself in when I'm older. What I really want to do is go hunting. Sitting around thinking about what I want to be when I'm older and all I can picture myself doing is hunting or doing something with the supernatural. I didn't tell my father this because I know he would freak. I haven't told anyone. I can't tell Nate, Annabelle, or my counselor, Sam would probably tell my father, and Dean isn't really talking to me, still.

Speaking of Nate, he's coming home this weekend because it is Labor Day weekend. I'm really excited to see him. He loves college. He says he has made lots of friends and is thinking of joining a fraternity. I would be dating a frat boy, how awesome.

Sept 6, 2003

I'm so upset at my father and work. I got to see Nate a total of maybe an hour while he was in. Yet again, I was supposed to have the weekend off, but they called me in. I would have said no, but my father answered the phone and told them I had nothing better to do. Nate and I had planned to do absolutely nothing together. We were going to go to the park and just enjoy each other's company. I told Annabelle all about this, she told me I was lucky to have a boyfriend. Nate was so sweet and understood, but the rest of his weekend was booked with family stuff. He made a quick stop at the coffee shop and talked to me for a while until it started getting busy. He then stopped by when I was finished so we could relax for about an hour until he had to leave to be with his family. My father sure was happy that I didn't get to spend much time with Nate. He still thinks that what Dean told him is the truth about Nate. I'm not sure if my father will ever give him a chance because of stupid Dean.

Why did Dean have to lie to my father about Nate? Did he think I would stop dating him? Why would Dean care if I dated Nate in the first place? I mean it's not like…oh my god, Dean likes me, as in has a crush on me. I just figured it out. I was thinking about the questions I just asked over and over and that was the best reason I could come up with. It makes so much sense. Dean probably thought that if he got my father to disapprove of Nate then he and I would break up. Dean then probably thought him and I would hook up. I don't think the kiss during truth or dare helped much. I mean I could be wrong. Dean could just be a jackass. That kiss was something though. There was certainly some chemistry there. But I can't date Dean that would be too awkward. For one thing I'm already dating a guy I could quite possibly be in love with. And another reason is that I dated his brother that is just weird to date brothers. I don't even know why I am thinking about this. Nate is an amazing boyfriend and I have no plans of breaking up with him.

Sept 21, 2003

I may not have had any plans of breaking up with Nate, but it seems he did. He called me last night and said he wanted to start seeing other people. It was so out of the blue. Everything was going fine between us. We talked on the phone at least once a day, and I even planned on coming down to visit him. He said that the long distance thing wasn't working out too well. I didn't really know what to say. I just told him that if that was how he really felt there was nothing I could do to stop him. My father is trying to feel sorry for me, but it isn't convincing me. I know he is happy to see him go. I will just have to move on. It shouldn't be too difficult, I'm not even sure if I loved him. With Sam it was much harder because I knew I loved him. There was no doubt in my mind. I still love him today, but in a different way.

Oct 1, 2003

Dean and John have decided to make a visit to our house. It was more of John's idea. He needed to talk to my father about something. I'm going to guess it is about the yellow-eyed devil because Dean wasn't allowed to talk with them.

Dean and I just sat in the living room in silence while our fathers were in the kitchen talking. It must be really important because they turned on the radio so we couldn't eavesdrop. Dean then finally broke the silence by asking me how things were with Nate. I told him we broke up. He said he was sorry and then asked when and why. I just told him the truth. Dean just responded by calling Nate an idiot. I was about to defend Nate when I realized that Dean was right. Nate was an idiot for breaking up with me. Dean asked me why I would want to date a guy I couldn't be 100% honest with. I told him I thought it would help me feel normal, but I was wrong. I felt even more out of place when I was with him. I had to watch what I said all the time. I was the idiot for thinking it would even work between us. What would Nate say if I told him what Dean and my father really do? Would he have believed me or would he have thought I was crazy? If I had told him what really happened to my parents would he have laughed in my face? A part of me thinks he would, but a part of me thinks he would understand. I don't know, either way we are broken up.

Annabelle says to hell with men. She was in a serious relationship once; they were together for three years. Then one day he tells her that he has been cheating on her with one of her friends. She was a mess, but she got over it. She said he was part of the reason she moved here. She suggests that I take some time to myself. Focusing on getting into college and then worrying about boys, she suggested. She has a point there. I do need to start focusing on college. Then when I go to college I can meet someone who really understands me. That might be more difficult than I think. Right now the only two guys who understand me the most are Sam and Dean. I already dated Sam and we know how things ended up, and Dean would just be weird to date because he is Sam's brother. I need to find a guy who is okay with all this paranormal stuff and who understands all this paranormal stuff. Is that asking too much?

Oct 5, 2003

I've decided which college I'm going to attend in the spring, South Dakota State University. It is close enough to home and is affordable. My father says not to worry about having to pay for college. He's going to pay for it all. He is so proud of me for getting in. I still have no clue what I want to do. My guidance counselor said not to worry about it. I guess a lot of people go into college not knowing what they want to do.

Dean doesn't understand why I want to go to college when I don't even know what I want to do with my life. He thinks I should graduate from high school and then go off hunting. I would love to do that, but my father would practically hate me. The look on his face would be enough to change my mind.

Annabelle looked at the brochures for the school and she thinks it looks like a nice place. She says that she is going to miss me when I leave. Apparently, she doesn't really have any other friends here. She jokingly asked if she could join me at school, at least I think she was joking. She wants to go out and do something together before I leave. She is just so sweet; I'm going to miss her. I still have a good three months before I leave. It is going to be weird going away to college. I hope I make some friends. I think it might be hard because I'm coming in at the middle of the school year. They should be sending me my rooming information soon. I believe I'm going to have a roommate. I hope she is a nice girl.

Sam is really happy that I found a school and that I'm planning on going. He says I have nothing to worry about. College is going to be a blast. I will finally be away from my father, but not too far away. That is one thing I am really looking forward to.

Oct 13, 2003

So, my father and I have run into a little problem. It turns out my father doesn't have enough money to send me to school and the university says it is too late to apply for financial aid. It looks like I will no longer be going away to school. I was looking forward to getting away. My father thought he had enough money stored away, but he was wrong. I told him I could take on another job and help pay for it, but he rejected the idea.

I talked to Annabelle about my situation and she says she knows a way to make a quick buck. I told her I was in. She wants me to meet her tomorrow after her shift at the coffee shop. I hope it is something quick and painless.

Oct 17, 2003

Annabelle is a genius. I have made a total of $400 in the past two days. She has me selling these strange artifacts to people. I have no clue where she gets them from, but they are all over her place. They look like things my father and Dean would be in to. I asked Annabelle what some of the things were, but she didn't really give me an answer. I then asked her where she got the things. She just said she had her connections. It's pretty exciting. At this rate I could have enough money to put myself through college. I haven't told my father about any of this because he would probably freak. For some reason he has it stuck in his head that he should pay for my college. Although some people would take advantage of this or think this is so nice, I feel that I should help him. That is what I intend to do. I really appreciate Annabelle's help. She didn't need to let me in on this, but she did.

Nov 4, 2003

My father is getting curious as to how I am getting all this money. So far I have gotten a total of $2,000. It feels so good to have all this money. Annabelle says she has one job that she might need my help on. She says there is about $5,000 waiting for me if I accept this job. At first I told her that I was all in, but then she told me that it could be dangerous. She doesn't want me to get in trouble. That makes me feel good about her. Now I'm having second thoughts about accepting this job. I should probably find out what the job entails before I back out completely. My father has taught me very well how to stay out of trouble; I'm not a complete amateur.

Nov 8, 2003

The job doesn't sound all that dangerous, but it is definitely illegal. Basically we are breaking into this rich person's home and stealing some medallion that Annabelle can sell for a lot of money. She says this medallion has special gems on it that protect against certain spirits. I'm not sure why she thinks it is okay to steal it from these people, but I really want the money that is involved. Annabelle is really prepared for this job. She knows where all the security devices are on the premises and how to deactivate them. She has the blueprints of the house, has a picture of the medallion, and its location in the house. She essentially needs me to keep watch incase the owners come into the room we are in. After I heard what the plan was I told her I was in. We are meeting tomorrow night to go to the house. We went over everything last night and will go over it one more time before we go into the house. The house is about an hour from my home in this upper class neighborhood. Houses there run for about $2-3 million and that is just the starting price. All the houses have gates with security codes to get in. Most of the residents are either doctors or lawyers. I guess I sort of feel like this guy deserves to have this medallion stolen. He probably earns enough to buy another one in about a days work.

Nov 10, 2003

That job was amazing. I feel so good after it. Here's what happened.

We arrived at the house and parked about a block away. The house had absolutely no lights on meaning they were either asleep or not home. Annabelle disabled the security devices like a pro and then we started for the house. We climbed over the fence surrounding the house and ran across the football-field-size front lawn to the back door. I kept thinking to myself how much it must suck to cut their lawn. Annabelle picked the lock like she did it everyday. A minute later we were in the house going straight up to the room with the medallion. I stood outside the room while Annabelle was in the room looking for the medallion.

While I was standing by the door I heard the door across the hall opening so I hurried up and ran into the room with Annabelle telling her to stop moving. Whoever came out of the room went into the bathroom and finally went back into the room about ten minutes later. Annabelle told me to go back on watch and to keep quiet. When I stepped out of the room I could smell what the person was doing in the bathroom. It smelled to me like somebody was having digestive problems. The smell was so rancid I could barely breath. I could smell it when I breathed through my nose and could taste is when I breathed through my mouth. About five minutes later Annabelle finally found the medallion and we were on our way. We headed back out the back door and ran across the huge front yard. We jumped over the fence and turned on the security devices. When we finally got to the car I realized how fast my heart was pounding. I felt so alive. I wanted to do another one. Annabelle said she would keep me in mind when she needs a partner. She also said she would have money for me by next week. I'm super excited.

Nov 18, 2003

I got my money from Annabelle. She is really smart. She makes sure that her customers pay her in cash so that the money is untraceable to her. She stopped by earlier today and finally gave me my money. I am not to put any of this money in the bank because it becomes suspicious. So I decided to hide the money under my bed. Annabelle also made sure the bills were small enough bills. People might wonder where I got fifty or hundred dollar bills. I would never really think about this sort of stuff. Annabelle is teaching me so much. She has taught me how to check if an artifact is authentic or not and how to pick a lock. She just makes me feel like a true adult, unlike how my father makes me feel. He acts like I'm five. He used to treat me like an adult, but then I got pregnant and ran away. All that may seem immature, but I have shown him that I have grown up since then. If he expects me to stick around after I graduate from high school he's wrong. I'm thinking that I might not go to college now. I could talk to Annabelle and maybe I could work with her selling artifacts. College isn't really for me.

This Thanksgiving is going to be boring. Sam has decided to stay at school this year because Jess and some other friends are having a Thanksgiving dinner there. John and Dean are thinking about it, it all depends on whether their current hunt gets solved by then. I invited Annabelle to join us because she has never had a Thanksgiving dinner. She gladly accepted the offer.

Nov 28, 2003

Thanksgiving wasn't as boring as I thought it would be. At first we thought it was just going to be Annabelle, my father, and me, but at the last minute Dean and John showed up. Their hunt was finally over so they decided to surprise us. My father got along great with Annabelle. She knows a lot more about this supernatural stuff than I thought. She recognized the Solomon's Key or Devil's Trap on the ceiling right away. My father was a little surprised. My father got a little too comfortable talking to Annabelle about this stuff and told her all about the hunting world. At first I was scared she would be weirded out, but she seemed to really enjoy talking about all of it. This made me feel really good about having her as a friend. I could really talk to her about anything because she now knows about my family life.

At about 5pm we were about to eat when Dean and John showed up. I had to set up two more plate settings while my father greeted them. Dean sat next to me, John sat across from Dean, Annabelle sat next to John, and my father sat at the head of the table between Annabelle and me. Dean and John got worried when my father asked how their hunt went because of Annabelle. They just stared at my father until Annabelle asked what they were hunting, ghosts, demons, werewolves. After she asked this, the conversations became a lot more relaxed. The conversations mainly focused on the recent hunts John and Dean have gone on. Dean kept looking over at me like he wanted to say something, but he couldn't because others were there.

At about ten Annabelle went on her way. John and my dad had stuff to talk about leaving Dean and me alone. When we were alone Dean asked where Sam was. I jokingly told him that Sam didn't want to see his face. Dean looked really offended, so I hurried up and told him that Sam was at school having Thanksgiving with some friends. Dean just gave a little smirk and said, "Cool." For some reason he seemed either nervous or depressed. I wasn't quite sure which one. I couldn't stand the awkwardness between us so I finally turned on the TV. "Mythbusters" was on so we decided to watch that. Dean didn't really seem like he cared what we watched. I could have put "Barney" on and he wouldn't have cared. Even though the TV was on I could still feel the discomfort in the room. I couldn't stand it anymore and asked him what was wrong. Like almost every male who gets asked this question, Dean said nothing was wrong.

When the episode was over Dean finally turned to me and said he had something for me. I was a little shocked seeing as how it was neither Christmas nor my birthday. Then he handed me some folded up tissue paper. I squished the paper and felt something in there. I finally unfolded the tissue paper and saw that there was a bracelet in it. It was a hemp bracelet with some kind of amulet on it. Dean said he got it from some woman who sells special amulets that protect against evil spirits. He said as long as I wear that bracelet I would not get possessed or harmed by an evil spirit. I told him that I really liked it and thanked him. Then I asked him to tie it on my wrist for me. He took the bracelet from me and started tying it on. As he was tying it his fingertips kept brushing the back of my hand making me feel aroused. Maybe it was just my hormones talking but all I wanted to do was kiss Dean again like we did during the truth or dare game, but this time without other people around and for much longer. I guess I had been staring at my wrist for a while thinking about all of this because Dean started waving his hand in front of my face. When I looked up I saw Dean looking at me confused, wondering what I was thinking.

My hormones took over me and before I knew what I was doing I pulled Dean in and started kissing him. Dean was shocked by this and pushed me away. He asked me what I was doing. I then asked him if he wanted me to stop. He started to say yes, but then he pulled me in and started really kissing me. Dean started to unzip my jeans when we heard our fathers coming out of the kitchen. Dean got off of me so quickly and we sat there on the couch acting like we were watching TV the entire time. John said he was headed to bed and so was my father. Before my father went to bed he told Dean that he made up a cot for him in my room.

After my father went to his room, Dean and I went up to my room to continue where we left off. Before we got any further Dean told me that this wasn't his intention when he gave me the bracelet. I told him that was great and pulled his shirt off. This is going to sound weird and maybe disturbing to some people, but Dean was so much different than how Sam was. It might be how much more experience Dean's had or the different kind of chemistry between us. What might surprise people is that Dean is a cuddler after sex. Dean joked and said that was the best thank you he had ever gotten from someone. I just told him it was a really nice bracelet. Soon after that we fell asleep in each other's arms.

When I woke up the next morning Dean had moved to his cot incase my father or his father came in. I got up to go have some breakfast, but Dean stayed in bed for another hour. I was watching some TV when he came downstairs. He asked where our fathers were and what was for breakfast. I told him our fathers were outside changing the oil in John's truck and there were some bagels on the counter. He then came over to me on the couch, gave me a kiss, and then went to the kitchen to get a bagel. I decided to follow him into the kitchen while he made a bagel. I sat down at the table and picked up the newspaper. Dean sat down next to me and took the paper out of my hand. He said that he and his father were going to Nevada the next day and I should come with. I had to remind him that I was still in school. He asked me when I was going to be done. I told him I graduate in two weeks. I continued and told him I was having second thoughts about college. He looked relieved at first and then he asked me why. I just told him about the money situation and how I really wanted to hunt. He said I should ditch school all together and start hunting now. I told him I couldn't because it would break my father's heart. Dean understood where I was coming from; he was about to give me another kiss when our fathers walked in. John said it was time to change Dean's oil so Dean ran outside to change the oil since no one else can touch his baby. The rest of the time they were over was pretty normal. Dean and I had one more round before we went to bed that night. Before he left we snuck in a goodbye kiss without our fathers noticing. Dean said he would call when they get to Nevada.

As much as I wanted Sam at Thanksgiving, I'm glad he didn't show. Imagine if he was home for Thanksgiving. Nothing would have happened between Dean and I. Dean kept to his word and called as soon as they arrived in Nevada. It was a normal phone call from Dean until he said that he misses me. I was a little weirded out. That sounds like something Sam would say, not Dean. Dean doesn't seem the type to tell a girl he misses her after not seeing them for about ten hours. Especially when we've spent months apart before. I just told him I missed him too. It wasn't a complete lie. I did miss him.

Dec 10, 2003

I showed Annabelle the bracelet Dean gave me. She told me that the amulet was genuine and rare. She said that Dean must have paid a lot for it. She thinks that she could sell it for about $200. For some reason I don't think that is how much Dean paid for it. Anyways, the bracelet isn't for sale. I also told Annabelle about what happened after I got the bracelet from Dean. She wanted to know all the juicy details. I wasn't sure how much to tell her so I gave her the R-rated version instead of the X-rated. She wanted to know if this meant Dean and I were together. I told her I didn't think so, but I wasn't sure. I'm really not sure what Dean and I are. We haven't really discussed it, and we haven't seen each other since Dean left for Nevada. He's called a few times, but just to check in real quick. He called to check in before anything happened between us. The only person to ask would be Dean. He is supposed to be coming over for Christmas. Sam is going over to Jess's again for the holiday. Annabelle is going home for the holidays so it looks like Christmas will be a small gathering.

I'm going to try to get something for John this year. I have a lot of money to spend on gifts. Since the last job I told you about I have made $800. Annabelle says she has just the thing for Dean. She said it would be here in about a week and she will give me a 50% discount on it. So after the discount it is going to cost me $75. I asked her what it was. She told me it was a bracelet made entirely out of elephant hairs. It is illegal here in the states, but she was able to get her hands on a few. So Dean is covered for Christmas. Now I just need to get something for my dad, John, and Annabelle. Luckily I have enough money to get something nice for all of them.

Dec 20, 2003

Dean is coming here tomorrow with his father. I got the bracelet from Annabelle for him. She has already left for the week. The bracelet is really nice; I think Dean will like it. I decided what to get my father. He is always wearing this trucker hat and it is getting really dirty and worn. So I got him a new one. It was pretty expensive because it is high quality and it is stain resistant. John was hard to figure out, but after some thought I figured out what to get him. Just like Sam, John is really into knives. Since I am old enough this time I went to the knife store and bought him a pocketknife that is pure iron with his initials carved into it. I felt that would be a suitable gift for him. I still haven't figured out what to get Annabelle, but she said it was fine because she wouldn't have mine until after she got back.

I don't know if I should ask Dean if we are a couple or not. I don't want to scare him away. I will just have to wait and see what his reaction is to seeing me tomorrow.

I'm officially a high school graduate. I took my last final a few days ago. In terms of whether or not I am going to college I have decided not to. I told my father that I would like to take a semester off to earn some more cash to go. He seems to have finally gotten it into his thick skull that I can pay for college too. He didn't really like the idea, but he agreed to it. I really do intend to go to college in the fall. I might even figure out what I want to do later in life during this time off. I know I don't want to work at a coffee shop my whole life.

Dec 24, 2003

Dean and John are back. When I first saw Dean I wasn't sure how to react. He looked so good in his leather jacket and worn jeans. I just wanted to kiss him right then and there. I wasn't sure how to read him at first. He seemed like how he always is. I thought for sure there was nothing between us until our parents were no longer in the room. As soon as both our fathers were out of the room Dean pulled me in and gave me a good, long kiss. It felt incredible. I knew my answer right then what we were. But I still needed to hear it from his mouth that we were together and that he wasn't seeing anyone else. When we finished our good, long kiss I asked Dean what we were. At first he played stupid and tried to avoid the question. I wanted to know if what was going on between us was real or if I was just another girl he had slept with. Dean took real offense to this. He said to give him sometime to think about it. After that I realized how much I miss Annabelle. She is the only one I can talk to about this, but she's not here.

It is now Christmas Eve and Dean still hasn't responded to my question. He says he is still thinking about it.

Dec 26, 2003

Christmas was interesting this year. It started out perfectly normal. My father made dinner for all four of us and then we exchanged gifts. First John gave his presents to everyone. He gave my father a book about demons and spirits; just what my father needs more books about this stuff. Dean got some new oil for his car; he was pretty excited about that. I got a new journal from him. He said that he noticed how much I write in mine and that he wants me to continue writing. I felt that it was a thoughtful gift because I only have a few more pages left in this one. Next up were my gifts to people. Everyone loved their gifts from me. Dean put on his bracelet right away, my father put the hat on, and John put the knife in his pocket.

Next up was Dean, but a knock on the door interrupted us. My father got up to answer it. As my father went to answer the door Dean gave me my gift. It was very small. I was thinking that it might be jewelry again because that seems to be a trend. I was about to open it when my father called me to come to the door because I had a guest. I put down Dean's gift and went to the door wondering who was here to see me on Christmas.

When I got to the door my father was blocking the person from my view. When he finally moved out of the way I saw that Nate was standing in the doorway. I was very surprised to see him there. I hadn't talked to him since we broke up. I wasn't sure if I should be nice to him or not. I decided to ask him nonchalantly what he was doing here. He said he was here to say he was sorry and that he wanted another chance with me. He didn't realize how much he missed me until he broke up with me. I was very shocked by this. I didn't really know what to say. I had moved on and was starting to fall for Dean. At the same time I still had feelings for Nate. I was about to tell Nate that I had to think about it when he pulled me in for a kiss. As he was kissing me I heard from behind me, "What do you think you're doing?" It was Dean. He looked just as surprised as I did when I saw Nate. Nate explained to Dean how he wanted to get back together with me. Dean then said without thinking, that it was impossible seeing as how we were together. The surprises just kept coming. Dean then grabbed my hand and pulled me into him so he could put his arm around me. Nate looked confused and asked me if it was true. I told him that it was. Nate then said goodbye and to have a Merry Christmas. He looked so sad. I then turned to Dean and asked him if it was true. He said that we'd talk about it later.

After that we went back to opening gifts. I wasn't really in the mood to open presents. I wanted to open them as quickly as possible so that Dean and I could talk. I hope my father and John didn't hear the conversation between Dean, Nate, and I. So far neither one has said anything to us. When we walked in my father wanted to know what Nate wanted. I told him the truth I just left Dean out of it. It was my turn to open my gift from Dean. He got me a charm to hang above my bed that is sort of like a dream catcher. I really wonder where Dean gets all of these things he gets me. They are all one of a kind objects. As soon as I got to my room I put it above my bed. So the rest of the gifts people got are unimportant. Let's fast-forward to what happened between Dean and I.

After we all finished unwrapping gifts and having dessert we all said goodnight to one another. About 15 minutes later Dean came knocking on my door. It was time for us to talk. Dean came in and sat on my bed. He looked so good; I just wanted him so bad. Dean just sat there staring at me waiting for me to say something. I was going to sit next to him on the bed, but I was afraid where that would end up. I finally asked him if what he said to Nate was true. Dean admitted that at first he wasn't sure how he felt about me until he saw Nate kissing me. He wanted to punch him so badly. Dean also admitted that he hasn't been with anyone else since me. I asked him why, but he didn't really have an explanation. We talked for a while about our relationship, but at the end we came to the agreement that we would try this out and see where it goes. I asked Dean if we should tell our fathers or not. For right now we aren't going to say anything, but if this lasts for a few months we'll tell them.

After we were done talking about our relationship Dean said he had one more gift for me. He got it the other day when he was out and had to get it for me, but he wanted to give it to me in private. I was a little nervous, what could he have gotten me that needs to stay private? Was it lingerie? Was it something sexual? He finally pulled the gift out of his pocket. It was too small to be lingerie; it looked like a jewelry box. I took it out of his hand and looked at him confused. He said it was something that he wouldn't normally get for someone, but I was different. I finally started unwrapping and then opened the box. To my surprise there was a necklace in the box with a single bluish gem pendant on it. He said it was an aquamarine gemstone, which the jeweler told him was my birthstone. It definitely was something different. It was so beautiful. I told him it was gorgeous and gave him a kiss. Then I had him put the necklace on me. Yet again as he was putting the necklace on me I got this huge sexual rush. I turned around after he put the necklace on me and pushed him on the bed and the rest you can guess.

So that was my exciting Christmas. The best so far.

Dec 31, 2003

The New Year is almost upon us. Oh what a marvelous year it has been. I graduated from high school, got a new boyfriend, but then got dumped, met a new best friend, and hooked up with my ex-boyfriend's brother. Not as exciting as last year, but I needed to tone it down. This past year was a lot less stressful. I'm not really sure what to hope for for next year. I guess I hope Dean and I last, but I don't want to hope too much. I hope I get the urge to go to college in the fall and figure out what I want to do when I get older.

So far my New Year's plans for tonight seem pretty boring. Dean and I are staying in and watching movies that Dean wants to watch. My father and John are going out to the bar. They invited Dean to go with, but he told them he wanted to stay and keep me company. John sort of gave him a look, but I don't think he suspects anything.


	4. Year 2004 pt1

Jan 4, 2004

New Year's was fun with Dean. It was pretty low key, but fun nonetheless. No matter what Dean and I do together is a good time to me. He just knows how to make every moment fun. That is why I am not happy he leaves tomorrow. He goes back to work. He invited me to come along, but I told him I couldn't. He doesn't really understand why. I don't have school anymore and I have enough money to travel. He just doesn't understand why my father doesn't want me to go out hunting. I'm old enough and have enough training. I agree with Dean, but he doesn't know the rest of it. I really want to tell him about what really happened to me in Chicago, but I just can't. He would be so confused since it was the same thing that killed his mother.

I'm going to miss Dean when he leaves tomorrow. At least I won't be too bored when he leaves because I go back to work, and Annabelle comes home. She is going to have to adjust to the time change, so she won't be at work tomorrow. I'm looking forward to seeing her because she has no clue what is going on between Dean and me. She will be so happy for us.

Jan 18, 2004

Guess what I am doing tomorrow. I'm going hunting! My father has no clue that I am going. I told him that I'm going to visit my friend at college for the week. Dean called me up the other night to tell me he needs help on a hunt and his father is on a different hunt. At first I was hesitant, but I decided to go for it because I hadn't seen Dean in two weeks and I really wanted to hunt. I'm not really sure what the job is about, but I stole one of my father's books on supernatural creatures. Hopefully it won't be too dangerous. The job is in the exciting state of New Mexico. Luckily it will be warmer there then it is here. I'm ready to get out of this cold for a while.

Jan 20, 2004

This job seems like it is a confusing one. Dean has already been here for a week trying to figure things out, but hasn't gotten anywhere. Here's what is going on, from what Dean has told me, people are going missing from this town. He said the people are going missing at the fun house at the carnival in town. He checked to see if this has happened before with the carnival, but so far there are no connections. Then he asked if anyone had died in the fun house before. They told him the fun house was brand new, this was the first time they used the fun house.

So far four people have gone missing. There are no signs they were abducted by anyone. Dean has talked to three people who were with the people right before they went missing. They said one minute they were there and then the next they weren't. Dean and I are going tomorrow to check out the fun house together.

Jan 21, 2004

Dean and I checked out the fun house and found nothing to help us with the case. This job is going to take a lot of thinking. There is no connection between the four people missing. They all range in race, gender, and age. I might have to make a run to the library to figure out what this could possibly be. I've looked through the book I stole from my father, but I don't even know what I am looking for. Dean is really stressing out over this job. He says this is the toughest job he has ever taken on.

Dean's birthday is coming up soon. I need to figure out what to get him. It is only three days away. I completely forgot it was his birthday until I looked at my phone. I might have to give Annabelle a call for some ideas on what to get him.

Jan 23, 2004

I am so scared right now. I have no clue where I am. I can barely even write this entry because of the little amount of light I have. What happened was Dean and I went to the fun house to investigate the scene again. We were just walking around, but couldn't find anything that popped out. Dean and I both got frustrated so we both decided to sit down in this room that was full of chairs. As soon as I sat down my chair spun around and I ended up here. Right away Dean started calling for me, but I don't think he could hear me shouting back. I even started pounding on the wall, but he couldn't hear me. Then I grabbed my cell phone and tried calling him, but I had no service. To me it just looks like another part of the fun house. I walked around for a while, but it just kept bringing me back to the same place. I have been in here for about three hours now. I haven't seen anyone else.

It has been about three hours since I last wrote. Some things have changed. I am no longer alone. I have found two of the people who have gone missing. They told me there is a crazy man in the maze looking to kill one of us. Barb, one of the missing persons, told me she saw one of them get taken by him. I'm going to guess that we are the only survivors right now. All I have in my bag to protect us is some salt. I'm not even sure if this thing is a spirit or not, so salt may not help. I could try, what is the worst that can happen besides the man being able to cross the salt and kill one of us. I only have enough salt to make a very small circle around us. The three of us are going to have to get closer together. I'm not sure how they are still alive because there is no food or water in this place. They should have starved to death or died from dehydration.

Barb complains about being hungry. I reassured them both that my boyfriend would figure it out. It felt so natural for me to call Dean my boyfriend. Speaking of Dean it is his birthday tomorrow and I am stuck in this fun house. Plus I still haven't gotten anything for him. I never got a chance to call Annabelle for ideas.

I am getting tired. It is about eleven at night right now. We each decided to sleep in shifts to make sure the crazy psychopath doesn't come back and take one of us. Jeff, the other missing person, has the next shift. I have to try and keep myself busy so I don't fall asleep. Jeff gets about another hour to sleep and then I wake him up. So what to do with an hour to spare? I can't go take a walk; I have to stay close, plus the psychopath might try to get me. I hope Dean gets this figured out soon. I'm so hungry and bored.

Jan 24, 2004

Still stuck in this place. This sucks because it is Dean's birthday. I hope he gets me out before the day is up so I can wish him a happy birthday.

No one was taken last night. The man never even showed up. Barb is getting pretty bad. She has been here the longest. She is starting to hallucinate because she is so dehydrated and hungry. Dean better get this figured out soon. It obviously has something to do with the chair and this psychopath running around.

Later

I have now seen the man, he looks crazy. He looks like he hasn't showered in months or combed his hair. The smell coming from him was so terrible I thought I was going to throw up. He is most definitely a spirit, a very angry one. He couldn't pass the circle of salt, but he really wanted to. He was going for Barb. He kept calling for her to come to him. She was very close to stepping out of the circle, but Jeff and I stopped her in time. She thought it was her husband calling for her.

Later

Barb has been taken from us. She fell for the man again and walked out of the circle before we could stop her. As soon as she stepped out the man charged her and killed her. I have never seen someone die right in front of me before.

Later

The weirdest thing just happened. Some how the salt circle had been broken so the crazy killer was able to get through. It was so close to killing me when it vanished all of a sudden. I was so frightened. I kept thinking about my father and how disappointed he would be if this were how I died. He would hate Dean. He would want to k…hold up, I think I hear Dean.

Jan 26, 2004

I'm on my way home right now. I now understand why Dean loves this so much. The look on Jeff's face when he found out he was saved was priceless. He was so grateful. I don't really feel like I did much. Barb still ended up dead along with the others. Dean keeps telling me there was nothing I could do about Barb. After Dean and I got back to the motel room he told me everything about the case. I'll start from the beginning.

When I went spinning around in the chair Dean panicked like any normal person would, but after he couldn't find me he figured that was how the others disappeared. Since it was too late to question any of the witnesses again he called his father for help. He needed to find out about the chair. John sent Dean a copy of the materials used in the fun house and where they came from. John underlined the part about a chair being purchased at a police auction. That was enough information for Dean. The next day he went to the police station to find out about where the chair was before it was auctioned off. After asking twenty different people, Dean finally got the paperwork on the chair. He found out the chair was taken from a murder scene where the murderer was killed in the chair. The man was a real lunatic. When he was alive he would take random people and stick them in a room for days without food or water then he would finally kill them. Dean showed me a picture of the guy and it was definitely the psychopath from the fun house. Dean was going to go and burn the bones, but he found out the guy was cremated. So then he decided to salt and burn the chair. He wasn't sure if it would work, but he went for it. When he burned it he pushed on the wall behind it and it creaked open. That was when I started hearing him. He said we probably wouldn't have solved it if I hadn't sat on that chair. I suppose that is true. I don't even know why I sat on that chair. There were like ten other chairs in the room. I guess I did do more than provide the salt. I helped Dean solve the case.

After Dean told me how he solved the case we went out to celebrate his birthday. He is now 25 years old. I forget sometimes how much older he is than me. I feel like I'm dating the younger brother sometimes. While we are on the topic of brothers, I haven't seen or talked to Sam in a long time. Jess must be keeping him busy. I'm happy for him.

Anyways, when Dean and I got to the restaurant I told Dean that I didn't get him a birthday present. He seemed so cool with the fact that I didn't get him one. He said he was just happy that I was there spending it with him, how cheesy. He then turned back into his usual self and told me I can make up for it later. That sounded more like the Dean I know and love. Trust me, I made up for not getting him a present quite a few times. I decided to give him a belated present the next day by getting us into a very nice hotel near where we were originally staying. This place was very nice. They had an indoor and outdoor pool, Jacuzzi, sauna, steam room, room service, and a spa. I booked Dean a massage with the spa. At first he didn't want to get one, thinking it would lower his manhood, but he gave in and loved it. The two of us ordered room service and stayed in the room most of the night. Dean loved having the premium channels to watch. Even though Dean might not admit it he enjoyed my gift. The part he didn't like was the valet service because he didn't want somebody he didn't know driving his baby. I got him to calm down.

Right now we are on our way to my house. Dean is going to drop me off at the train station for my father to pick me up. This way my father will still think I was at the college with my friend. Dean says he is going to let me know if he needs my help on a hunt. I'm so glad I went. I hope he needs me soon.

Jan 30, 2004

My father found out that I went hunting some how. Dean doesn't understand how he found out. I asked Dean if it could've been his father, but he said he never told his father I was with him. When Dean dropped me off at the train station my father was already there waiting for us. He also knows about Dean and I being together. Before Dean and I knew he was there we kissed each other goodbye. As I was walking away my father came out of the train station and told us both we were busted. I was completely dumbfounded. My father made me get in the car with him and had Dean follow.

I got an earful in the car. He was telling me how irresponsible I am and how what I did was foolish. I just sat there listening to him thinking, why. I didn't understand why he thought it was foolish. It wasn't like I went alone. I had someone I could trust with me. My father also made a comment about my relationship with Dean. He said that Dean was too old for me and much more experienced. He thinks that it is not a good idea for us to be together. I just told him I knew what I was getting myself into. My father then just told me to be careful with Dean.

I thought my father had finally calmed down, but I was wrong. As soon as we got back to our house my father gave it to Dean and me. He really gave it to Dean. He gave him a similar speech to the one he gave Sam, but a little more forceful. Dean seemed worried about what my father would do to him if he ever hurt me. I reassured him and told him Sam is still alive and well. After Dean got the talk from my father I was called in to have another chat with my father. He told me he wasn't happy with my choice. He said Dean is a playboy and as soon as he gets bored he will dump me like yesterday's trash. I told him he was wrong and stormed out.

Part of me feels like he is right, but part of me wants to prove him wrong. I will prove to him that Dean and I will last. Dean and I care a lot about each other. He did just save my life. I trust Dean. I don't think he will do anything stupid. Even though he seems like the type that would cheat on me I know he wouldn't. I let Dean look at other women, but I won't allow him to pursue them any further. I don't want to be the knaggy, needy girlfriend that yells at her boyfriend for looking at other chicks. I would be a hypocrite then. I look at other guys all the time, but I know that I would rather have Dean. Dean can have his little fantasies with other women, but I'm the one he calls at the end of a hunt. I believe my relationship with Dean will last despite what my father might think.

After I stormed out on my father he went up to his bedroom. Dean had been listening to our conversation, I could tell. He asked me if I was worried he was going to cheat on me. I told him I was not worried. I know where his heart lies. He asked me how I could be so sure. I then, without thinking, pulled out the "L" word. I told him it was because I loved and trusted him. Dean just pretended like I didn't say it and changed the subject. He asked me if I had heard from Sam in a while. I told him that I hadn't spoken to Sam all month. Sam has no clue that I went on this hunt and he will probably never have a clue that Dean and I are together.

Annabelle wants to know all about the hunt. She wants to know every detail. She was very excited when I told her I was going on the hunt. I'm going over to her place tomorrow to tell her about it.

John is coming tomorrow because he and Dean have work to do. That means Dean leaves tomorrow. Just when I started getting used to having him around again he leaves. I wish I could go with them, but my father would not allow it.

Feb 6, 2004

John Winchester is a sneaky little devil. As I was taking this journal out to write in it I noticed a piece of paper sticking out of it. I pulled out the paper to find a letter from John. The letter is full of information John has on the demon that killed my parents. It says that there are signs when he is about to attack a family. There are electrical storms and dead cattle near the town. Right before the demon attacks the clock stops. There are others out there like me, including Sam. That was about all that he has so far. He finished the letter telling me not to tell anyone else about the letter, especially my father. I had started to forget about the yellow-eyed demon. I haven't had any dreams about him in months and I had almost gotten over the death of my unborn child. That demon is out there somewhere destroying someone else's life.

Feb 14, 2004

Valentine's Day sucks!! I have no one to spend it with. Dean is all the way in South Carolina right now. Even if he were here we probably wouldn't be celebrating. Dean believes it is just another holiday invented by Hallmark and Hershey's. I don't really care, I just think it is nice to have a day where you can be lovey-dovey and get away with it. Annabelle said she would be my valentine. We are going to go out to dinner and then watch some chick flicks at her place. I think it will be fun.

Work was just horrendous this morning. Everybody seemed to have someone. Granted I'm not alone, but I am for this day. I'm not even sure when my anniversary is with Dean. Is it Thanksgiving or Christmas? Or is it when my father found out?

Feb 26, 2004

We got a new co-worker at work this week. His name is Zack. He's about 20 years old, dark brown hair, 6'2", medium build, and pretty attractive. All of the female customers flirt with him; some of the males do too. He's a pretty nice guy. I would totally be flirting with him if I weren't already taken. He has talked with Annabelle and I a few times. He has a similar sense of humor to Dean. He reminds me a lot of Dean. That isn't very good, but I have control over myself. I know what it feels like to be cheated on. It is not a good feeling.

I don't have to miss Dean too much longer because he is coming here next week for my birthday. I wonder if he will give me another piece of jewelry. I guess I will just have to wait.

Mar 2, 2004

Looks like I'm going to have to wait a little longer to see what Dean got me for my birthday because he got called away on another job. Annabelle said that we could go out and celebrate my birthday. Zack asked if he could tag along. Annabelle told him he could, but I'm not sure that is a good idea. I think Zack has a crush on me. He flirts with almost every girl, but when he flirts with me it is different. To me it seems like he flirts with other girls for the attention, but when he flirts with me he is trying to get somewhere. He has already made a comment about Dean not being there on my birthday. He said something along the lines of; if I were his girlfriend he would never let me spend my birthday alone. I find Zack attractive, but his personality is all wrong. He thinks he can get any girl he wants. Annabelle likes him, I can tell. Every time he comes in to start work her face lights up. She wants him at my birthday dinner so she can flirt with him some more outside of work. She didn't say that, but I know those are her intentions. I think Zack and Annabelle would make a cute couple. Maybe I will try to play matchmaker at my birthday dinner.

Mar 6, 2004

I tried my hardest to play matchmaker at my birthday dinner, but nothing seemed to work. Annabelle confirmed that she likes Zack, but Zack doesn't like her back. Zack likes me. I found that out from him. He said he likes the challenge. Since I am off limits I am more attractive to him.

Now I really need to be careful with him. He is going to be trying his hardest to get me to fall for him. It is going to be difficult not to fall for his charm. Dean isn't around very often. Hopefully I will be able to control my urges. I have self-control. I know when to say no.

Speaking of Dean, he said he is going to try to make it down here next week to celebrate my birthday with me. He keeps apologizing for not being with me on my birthday. I keep telling him it is fine and that I understand. As much as I wanted Dean to celebrate my birthday I know he was doing something important. I'll have more birthdays. Besides it's not like this is a real milestone. Nothing really happens when you turn 19. I can go to Canada and drink and gamble. I'm just looking forward to seeing Dean again. I haven't seen him since we went on our hunt together. As far as I know he has been loyal to me the entire time. I miss him so much. It has been too long. He calls me every so often to tell me about the latest hunt and I tell him how bored I am working at a coffee shop. I haven't told him about Zack. I don't want him to worry about me falling for someone else. Our relationship is still pretty new. I wonder if my father will allow Dean to sleep in the same room as me still. I doubt it.

Mar 11, 2004

Dean surprised me today by showing up at the coffee shop unannounced. Luckily he picked a slow time. He walked in, came to the counter, and asked for me. I was in the back taking inventory with Annabelle when Tim, one of our co-workers, came from the front and told me I had a visitor. I opened the door to go to the front, confused as to who the visitor was. There standing by the cash register in his worn leather jacket was Dean. I was so happy to see him. I jumped over the counter so fast and gave him a huge hug and a kiss. Zack made a snarky comment about how we should get a room. I then introduced the two. Dean put out his hand to shake Zack's, but Zack just looked at it and then walked away to the back. Dean asked if he did something wrong; I just told him that Zack could be a real douche bag for no reason sometimes. Dean then shrugged it off and asked when I was finished. He told me he would be back to pick me up when my shift was over.

After Dean left, Zack came back out from the back. He said, "So that is the infamous Dean Winchester? That is supposed to be my competition? Oh, this will be easy." I wanted so badly to just punch him, but I held myself back. I just told him that was Dean and went back to taking inventory with Annabelle.

When work was over Dean picked me up like he said he would. I thought he was just going to take me home, but I was mistaken. He took me out to the Thai restaurant we went to a few years ago. He said he wanted to take me to the place where we had our first unofficial date. I thought that was cute. Dean got all serious and told me that this was the place where he figured out how he felt about me. It was on that unofficial date that he started having feelings for me. He continued by telling me how these past few weeks, since the hunt we went on, he realized that he is in love with me. I was a bit surprised by this. I never thought I would see the day when Dean Winchester would say he loves me. I got so happy. I just started smiling and couldn't stop. I told Dean that I loved him too.

After we finished eating Dean gave me my present. It was another small item. I could tell Dean went all out on this gift; he even had it professionally gift-wrapped. I could tell by the size and shape of the box that it was another piece of jewelry. Dean looked really nervous while I was opening the gift, which made me really nervous. I finally got the gift-wrap off and opened the box slowly and curiously. When I finally opened the box I saw the most gorgeous ring. I looked at Dean confused. He then told me it was a promise ring. After what my father said about him being a playboy, Dean wanted to prove to me that he would be faithful. It is such a beautiful ring, simple, but beautiful. The ring has a white gold band with three little diamonds on the top. Engraved on the inside are Dean's initials. This really surprised me. I never thought Dean was the type who would give a girl a promise ring. I guess I was wrong again. He was just full of surprises. After I looked at the ring for about five minutes I finally put it on my finger. It fit perfectly. I have no clue how Dean knew my ring size, but he got it spot on.

As soon as I put the ring on and thought about what it meant I no longer wanted to be at the restaurant. I wanted to be somewhere private with Dean so I could thank him for the ring the best way I could. I think Dean could see it in my eyes that I wanted to get out of there. He paid for the check with cash and didn't even wait to get the change. We weren't sure where we could go for the most privacy so we decided to park. This was my first time having sex in a car and I'm hoping it will be my last. It is not very comfortable. After I finished thanking Dean my father called asking where I went after work. I told him that Dean took me out for dinner for my birthday and we were on our way home. He just said good and hung up. Even though today isn't my birthday it was the best so far.

My dad set up a place for Dean to sleep. He said absolutely no sharing the same bed or else Dean will no longer be able to stay at our house again. We'll see if Dean listens.

Mar 15, 2004

Dean is still here; he says there is nobody that really needs to be saved. I asked Dean where his father is; he just told me he wasn't sure because his father wouldn't tell him. I thought that was a bit odd. Don't get me wrong I'm glad Dean is here, but I wish John were here to keep my father preoccupied for about five minutes so Dean and I can have some time alone. The only time we get to ourselves is when Dean drives me to and from work and at night. He really needs to learn how to trust Dean and me. We are both adults. I might have to have a talk with him and get him to back off a little. Dean has followed my father's orders of sleeping in separate beds, but that doesn't mean we haven't done stuff. My father usually goes to bed around 10:30. By 11:30 he is passed out so Dean and I slip some alone time in, but we make sure that we don't fall to sleep.

Zack has been a real nuisance this week since Dean has been here. Every time I come in Zack is already there and asks if my boyfriend is gone yet. I always tell him no and he tells me that's too bad. The look on his face when he saw the promise ring was priceless. He was about as surprised as I was when I saw it. Annabelle rushed over to look at it. She thinks it is just gorgeous. I've worn it everyday since I've had it. Dean acts like he doesn't notice, but I see him glance down at my hand to see if it is there and he smiles when he sees it.

Mar 18, 2004

You won't believe it; Dean let me drive his car. He doesn't let anyone drive that thing. When he asked me if I wanted to drive I was a little confused. I asked him which car and he said his. I was so astonished I thought maybe he was dying or something. I finally got the word "sure" out of my mouth. He told me I better not smash anything and then handed me the keys. That was so exciting, sort of like being able to drive the Bat mobile, but it was the Dean mobile.

Dean started out by showing me everything on the driver's side. It was like he thought I had never driven a car before. He obviously didn't look around my yard and see a bunch of beat up cars. I have helped my dad with a few of them. I know enough about cars I didn't need to be taught all over again. I decided to play along with Dean because he's so cute when he thinks he is teaching me something new. He seemed so happy to teach me how to drive his car. When I put the keys in the ignition and started her up I had never heard such a beautiful sound. I put it in drive and started moving. It felt so different being behind the wheel. At first I thought Dean just wanted me to drive it around the block, but he told me to keep driving. At the beginning Dean was a little tense, but he started to calm down.

Mar 21, 2004

Dean is really sick. When I got up this morning Dean wasn't in the kitchen as he usually is. I thought maybe he decided to sleep in for the day. I had left for work around eleven, but he still wasn't up. I didn't really think much of it, but when I came home at five he wasn't downstairs watching TV. I asked my father if he knew where Dean was. He told me he hadn't seen him all day, but his car was outside so he had to be in the house somewhere. I decided to check the room he was staying in. I walked into the room and saw him lying in bed with a bunch of covers and sweat all over him. He looked so pale. When I saw how sick he was I stated the obvious, that he was sick. Then I went to our medicine cabinet and grabbed the thermometer. Dean had a temperature of 102. I asked him if he had taken anything and he said he couldn't move because it hurt too much.

I went back to the medicine cabinet to get him some medicine when my cell phone went off. It was Sam. I hadn't heard from him in months. I decided to pick it up. Sam called to see how things were going since he hadn't talked to me in so long. I was just so surprised to hear from him. I didn't really know what to say. I just told him things were the same as always around here. He apologized for not calling on my birthday. He then asked how it was. I told him it was good and that I just hung out with some people from work. We started talking about everything going on in our lives for about twenty minutes when I remembered Dean. I told Sam I needed to go give his brother some medicine. Sam then asked what was wrong with him. I wasn't sure he just had a fever. Sam then told me to tell Dean hi and to get better soon. I hung up the phone and got the medicine for Dean.

When I went into his room I thought he was asleep so I put the medicine next to him on the nightstand and started to walk away when he asked who was on the phone. I told him it was Sam and he wanted me to tell him hi and to get better. Dean then asked how Sam was. I told him he sounded happy. Dean said that was good and took the medicine. I decided to stay in the room until Dean passed out. I went downstairs when my father asked me what Dean and I were doing up there. I told him we did nothing since Dean is really sick. My father asked how sick he was. I told him what his symptoms were. He just said it was probably the common flu. I hope he is right. I hope Dean gets better soon. I'll just have to wait and see how he feels in the morning.

Mar 30, 2004

Dean is now gone. John showed up yesterday and told Dean they were leaving. Dean and I spent one more night together before he left. This time we didn't have to say goodbye in private. I'm going to have to get used to not having Dean around again. He was here for a good two weeks. I'm going to miss him. Zack was delighted to hear that Dean has left. He asked me what I was going to do with all that free time. I just told him that it was going to have nothing to do with him.

The truth is I have no clue what I am going to do with all that free time. I will have to keep my mind preoccupied until Dean visits again.

April 12, 2004

Zack is a real douche bag! He is making work very uncomfortable for me. Almost everyday he asks me if Dean has come back yet. He has even tried to make me jealous by flirting with Annabelle. Annabelle knows all about Zack's plans for me, but she still falls for his charm. He is pretty good at manipulating women. If he weren't a complete jerk I would totally fall for him.

Sam has been calling a lot more lately. I'm not really sure why he has been calling so much all of a sudden. I think I have talked to him more than I have talked to Dean. I have told Sam a little about Zack, but not about Dean being my new boyfriend. I just am not ready to tell him I am dating his brother. I don't know if I will ever get up the courage to tell him. I don't think Sam would believe half the things Dean has done in this relationship. He would never believe that Dean gave me a promise ring. I don't really know why I am so against telling Sam about Dean. It might be that I am afraid Sam will either try to convince me to break it off with him or he will stop talking to me.

April 21, 2004

My father is leaving me for about a week to help his friend Caleb on a hunt. I will be the only one in the house. I tried to convince Dean to come over for the week, but he said that he and his father are busy on a job. He said he would try to make it, but no guarantee. Annabelle said that if I feel lonely or scared in the house by myself to give her a call. That would be cool if she spent the night over at my house.

April 26, 2004

So far it hasn't been too bad without my father here. Annabelle has come over a few times to hang out after work. She hasn't really been to my house since Thanksgiving. I decided to give her the grand tour of the place. I showed her my room, my dad's room, the guest room, the kitchen, and the living room. She noticed the picture of my parents on my nightstand. She asked me where I had gotten the picture. I told her that Dean's brother, Sam, gave it to me a while ago for Christmas. She said it was a nice picture. Then she asked where the pictures of Dean and me were. I told her there were none. She seemed sort of surprised by this answer. I told her Dean and I weren't the picture taking types. She asked why not, we are a very attractive couple. I wasn't sure how to take that comment so I just told her that neither one of us are running around with a camera. But what Annabelle said got me thinking about how Dean and I don't have any pictures together. I don't think I have a single picture of Dean. I have pictures of Sam and Nate from when we were together, but none of Dean. I'm going to have to carry a camera around with me more often.

April 30, 2004

My father has now been gone for a week and a half. I'm starting to get sort of bored without him here. I've been working as much as I can so I don't just sit at home alone. I've called Dean numerous times to see if he was able to spend the night, but he's in Vermont working on something with his father. My dad doesn't think he should be too much longer.

May 3, 2004

Today was not a very good day. I thought it was going to be, but then Zack had to ruin it. Here's what went down.

Today was my day off. I decided to just take a day to sleep in and relax around the house. Everything was going fine until around five or six. I was about to eat some dinner when I heard someone knocking on the door. I peaked outside and saw that it was Zack. I opened the door and asked what he wanted. He said he wanted to talk to me real fast. I told him to start talking; I had no plans of inviting him into my house, but he pushed his way past me. He asked me if I was about to eat dinner. I told him I had planned to, but was interrupted. I then asked him what he wanted to talk about. He said he wanted to apologize for his recent behavior towards me. He understood that he was making me uncomfortable and planned to change his behavior. I asked why the sudden change in heart. He just responded with how he needed to move on. I wasn't too sure whether or not to believe him. I asked him if he was serious and he said dead serious. I told him that was good to hear.

Zack asked me if he could get a quick hug. I was a little hesitant at first, but decided to go for it. I gave him the hug, but as I was pulling away he grabbed my face and kissed me. I tried pushing him away, but he grabbed my hands and bent them back. He continued pushing me until I ran into the kitchen table. He shoved me onto the table and pinned my arms down. I was in so much pain. I kept shouting for him to stop, but he wouldn't listen. I thought to myself, not again. As he was pinning my arms down he started kissing my neck. I kept squirming and trying to get loose. I didn't realize how strong he was until then. I finally got one of my hands free and started to push him, but he grabbed my hand back and pinned my arms above my head with just one hand. He slapped me and told me I was being a bad girl. He then grabbed my breasts and kissed me all over. I kept yelling at him to stop. He came up and gave me a kiss on the lips and tried to incorporate tongue so I decided to bite it. He yelped in pain and slapped me again really hard. He then grabbed my face and told me to shut up. Then I heard someone behind him say, "No, you shut up," and hit Zack over the head with a pan. Zack fell to the floor unconscious.

I looked up and saw Sam standing, holding a frying pan. I stood up and ran to him. He gave me a huge hug and then told me to go into the living room. After about five minutes Sam came out of the kitchen. He told me he called the police and they should be here any minute. He tied Zack up to a chair so he couldn't go anywhere. I thanked Sam for saving me. Before we could say anything more to each other the police arrived and started asking me some questions. I didn't really feel like answering all the questions. Sam eventually stepped in and asked if they could come back tomorrow to continue questioning.

After the police left with Zack Sam asked what happened. I told him exactly what went down when Zack arrived. Sam said he was sorry I had to live this moment again. I then asked him what he was doing here. He said that school was out for the summer and he felt like surprising us. Instead he got the surprise. Once Sam found out I was home alone he called my father to tell him what happened. My father said he would be home first thing in the morning. Sam said if need be he would sleep in the same room as me if that would make me feel safe. I told him thanks for the offer, but I could manage without him. Before we each went to bed I asked Sam how long he was planning to stay. He said planned to stay here for a good month or two. As much as I love having Sam here I don't want him here for that long because then Dean won't be able to come here. I owe Sam for showing up here when he did. I could have ended up seriously injured. I think I might have a black eye.

May 6, 2004

Dean knows about what happened with Zack. He happened to stop by the coffee shop yesterday. I popped up from behind the counter because I was getting a cup I dropped. When I came up there was Dean. The very first thing he noticed was my eye. He asked me what happened. I told him that Zack had attacked me the other day. Dean got all defensive and asked where he was. I told him the cops had him. I continued and told him that Sam saved me. He got really confused and asked me if I meant his brother Sam. I told him of course his brother Sam. Dean wanted to ask more questions, but some new customers came in. I told Dean to hang out for another half hour because then my shift would be over. Dean ordered some coffee and sat in the corner reading the newspaper. I could tell he was looking for some interesting news that might possibly be a hunt.

After work Dean wanted to know all about what happened. I told him exactly what happened, every single detail. Dean said he was sorry. He kept coming up with excuses as to why he should have been there. I told him that it was not his fault. I then asked him why he was here. He asked me, in his smart-ass tone, if he needed a reason to visit his girlfriend. I told him no and then remembered that Sam was at the house and had no clue Dean and I are together. I told Dean he couldn't stay at our house. He looked alarmed he wanted to know why. I hurried up and pulled a big lie out of my ass. I told him that there was no room. Sam was staying in the guest room and we had some other people spending the night that were just passing through. He asked me where he was supposed to sleep. I told him he had two choices, his car or a motel. He was a little annoyed, but decided to get a motel room for a few days. I told him it would be better if he were in a motel room because we can have more freedom since my father won't be there. He said that was true, but still looked a little annoyed. He then asked if Sam was at the house or not. I told him I didn't think so. I really didn't want Sam and Dean interacting with one another. When we got to my house Dean asked if he could come in for a bit. I told him that my father had a nice dinner planned for just the two of us and I was already running late. He looked really sad by the news. He asked what he was supposed to do for dinner. I told him I would come to his room later with leftovers. He said that was fine and gave me a kiss goodbye.

When I walked in my father had some bags sitting in the living room. I asked him where he was going. He just said John called and said he really needed his help. About a half hour later he was gone. Sam and I went to McDonald's for dinner. When we were done I dropped Sam off at home and told him I was going over to Annabelle's. I went back to McDonald's and picked up some food for Dean. When I got to his room and gave him the food he asked what happened to the leftovers. I told him my father only made enough food for the two of us. Dean said that was fine and took the bag. I wasn't sure what to order him so I guessed and was right. Dean was a bit surprised. He asked me how I knew what to get him. I told him, jokingly, it was because I read his mind.

After he finished eating he tried to give me a kiss, but I told him to brush his teeth first. His breath was rank. When he came back out he was ready to get into things. I thought I would be fine, but after a while I wasn't really sure any more. I told Dean I wanted to stop. He was very good about it. He stopped and asked me if I was all right. I told him it was just too soon. He said that was fine and asked if I wanted to talk about anything. I told him no. Then we just cuddled until we both fell to sleep. I spent the entire night there.

I came home around 9:30. Sam was already up getting breakfast. He asked me where I was all night. I told him I spent the night at Annabelle's. He just nodded and poured me some coffee. Sam still remembers how I take my coffee. I thought that was pretty impressive. He then asked what my plans were for the day. I had no clue. Dean probably wanted to do something, but so did Sam. I just told him that I didn't really have any plans it was my day off. He said that was good because he needed my help with something. He wanted to get a promise ring for Jess, but wasn't sure what would be the best and really wanted my opinion.

At around eleven we left to go to a few jewelry stores. There were some gorgeous rings. As were shopping Sam asked me if there were any new guys in my life. I told him there wasn't anyone yet. Sam didn't believe me; he pointed to my ring and asked whom it was from. I told him it was from no one special. He told me that was bull. He could tell there was someone special in my life because I have seemed much happier lately. He said he hasn't seen me this happy since we were together. I finally gave in and told him I did have someone, but he didn't know him. He asked when he was going to meet him to give his seal of approval. I told him not anytime soon because he was spending the summer in Texas with his father. He just said it would have to be some other time then.

I'm getting too good at this lying thing. I don't know why I can't tell Sam about Dean. I think it might be because Sam will probably disapprove and give me the same lecture my father gave me. I don't want another person telling me my relationship with Dean isn't going to work. That is just going to make me doubt the relationship. Also Sam's opinion is very important to me.

Sam and I finally picked out the promise ring for Jess. It is a gold band with one white diamond between two pink diamonds. I recommended that he get his initials engraved like my boyfriend did. He asked to see what it looks like on my ring, but luckily the jeweler interfered and started asking him questions.

May 10, 2004

Sam was very close to finding out about Dean. I had left my cell in the kitchen while I went to the bathroom when Dean called. Sam called me to tell me my phone was ringing. I shouted from the bathroom, "Who is it?" Sam replied back with, "Dean." I hurried up and ran downstairs to the kitchen, but Sam said I had to tell him why his brother was calling me before he would hand me the phone. I told him I had no clue because I hadn't talked to him yet. Sam finally gave me my phone, but by the time I answered he had hung up. I called him back right away and he told me he was one minute from my house and that he would be there soon. I asked him why he was coming, but he just hung up.

Thirty seconds later I heard a car pull up and a door shut. Sam looked out the window and saw Dean walking up to the front door. Sam opened the door before Dean even knocked. Sam asked Dean what he was doing here. Dean looked confused and asked me if I had told Sam he was here. Sam then asked me if I knew Dean was here the whole time. I pointed to Dean and told him no, and then pointed to Sam and told him yes. They both at the same time asked why. I couldn't really come up with a good reason. I then asked Dean if I could talk to him in private really fast. Sam went into the house furious.

Dean and I went into the shed so we could talk. He asked me why I hadn't told Sam he was in town. I told him because I didn't want to start any fights. Dean said he had no plans of starting a fight unless Sam wanted him to. I told him that was fine and then went to talk to Sam.

Sam had calmed down a little, but was still upset. He asked me why I hadn't told him Dean was in town. I just told him the same thing I told Dean. He retorted back with a similar response as Dean. Sam then asked me if his father was anywhere around. I told him his father was with my father somewhere. Sam looked a little relieved to hear that. He didn't understand what Dean was doing here. I told him that Dean and I had become friends. Sam warned me to be careful because Dean might try something on me. In my head I was laughing at this since Dean and I are together. I asked Sam if it was okay for Dean to come in now. He said sure and then I went outside to tell Dean he could come in.

Dean came in and asked Sam how school was going. Sam told him it was fine. Sam didn't sound like he had calmed down yet. I went and sat down on the couch. Sam and Dean followed me. Dean sat down next to me and Sam sat on the chair adjacent to Dean. Without thinking Dean and I sat really close to one another. Dean thanked Sam for being there when Zack attacked me. Sam just said Dean would've done the same thing if he were here. Sam started asking Dean about what hunts he has gone on recently. Sam sounded and looked like he wasn't really interested. After Dean answered him there was an extremely long awkward silence. I asked them if they wanted something to drink. They both declined my offer. Then we sat for another minute of awkwardness.

I decided to turn on the TV to break some of the silence. When I turned it on an old episode of "Charmed" happened to be on. It was one about Wendigos. Both Dean and Sam said it was wrong what they were saying about the lore. Dean started explaining it to me. It was very interesting. I had no clue that a Wendigo used to be human. After he finished explaining it to me we continued watching the episode.

While we were watching Dean decided to put his arm around me. Without thinking I leaned into him and put my hand on his leg. Dean started playing with my hair with the hand he had around me. I was getting very comfortable in his arms until I noticed Sam looking at us. I hurried up and sat up straight. Sam then asked Dean if he had ever met my current boyfriend. Dean took his arm off from around me and asked Sam to repeat the question. Sam repeated the question. Dean looked at me confused and annoyed. He could tell by my nervousness that I had lied to Sam about us. Dean just responded with no. Sam said all right then and gave me a strange look. I got up and told them I was going to get some water from the kitchen. I gestured for Dean to go up to my bedroom. As I was in the kitchen I heard Dean say he had to go to the bathroom. When I came out of the kitchen I told Sam I was going to my room to lie down.

When I got to my room Dean was already in there sitting on my bed. He said, "So, I take it you haven't told Sam about us." I told him I hadn't. He asked me why, was it because I still had feelings for Sam. I told him no, it was because I didn't want Sam's disapproval. I didn't want another person telling me I was making the wrong choice, especially someone whose opinion really matters to me. Dean asked me if I thought I was making the wrong choice. I grabbed Dean by the face, told him I loved him and then kissed him. He was pretty happy with the answer. He asked if I had any plans of telling Sam. I told him, teasingly, that I'd tell him after the first ten years are done. Dean laughed, gave me a kiss, and then left to go downstairs.

I decided to just stay in my room after he left. I turned on my iPod and laid down. I was starting to drift away when I heard a knock at my door. It was Sam, he wanted to talk. I invited him in and he sat down on my bed. He asked me what was going on between Dean and me. I told him nothing was going on, we were just friends. Sam said that was a load of crap, he saw how close we were getting on the couch. He said if he didn't know any better he would think we were a couple. He went on about how he saw how his brother looks at me and how I look at him. He asked me again if there was anything going on between us. I finally told Sam that I did like Dean and Dean has admitted to having feelings for me, but we both agreed that a relationship would be too difficult with Dean traveling so much. Sam then asked me about my boyfriend in Texas and if he knows. I confessed to Sam that he didn't really exist. Sam asked about the ring and whom it was really from. I told him it was from Dean because he wanted me to promise that when I'm thirty if neither of us is married or in love then we would marry each other. Sam seemed surprised by this. He never thought of his brother as the marrying type. I told him I didn't think so either until Dean got me the ring and made the promise. Sam just seemed so surprised by this news. I couldn't imagine what his reaction would be if he knew the truth. Sam was about to leave when he turned around and told me to be careful with Dean because he is known for being a heartbreaker. I told him not to worry so much about me. He told me it was too hard not to and then he left.

I just went back to listening to music and relaxing. Fifteen minutes later Dean came to ask me if I wanted to go get dinner. I told him sure. We asked Sam if he wanted to join, but he declined. When Dean and I got back Sam was already upstairs getting ready for bed. Dean asked if he could stay the night here since my father was out of town. I was a bit hesitant at first, but I figured why not. Dean was glad; he didn't feel like driving back to the motel. He and I didn't do much besides make out because I'm still not ready yet. Dean has been so good during this whole week. He is disappointed, but he doesn't pressure me into having sex again. He understands that it is a traumatic experience. He wants to kill Zack so badly for putting me though this again.

May 13, 2004

I could just about kill Dean right now. He came in here last night drunk. I hadn't seen Dean all day. I had work until four and then came home to eat some dinner and relax. Sam and I made a pizza in the oven and put a movie on. I was exhausted because it was a busy day at work. During the movie I had fallen to sleep. When I woke up the movie was over and Sam was just watching the news.

They were in the middle of a special about the health risk of going to the salad bar when there was a loud knock at the door. Sam and I both jumped. I went to open the door and Dean pushed right past me. I could smell the whiskey and cheap beer on him when he walked past. Sam could smell it too. He asked Dean if he was drunk. Dean told him he was. Dean came over by me and started pushing my hair out of my face. I was a little confused and asked him what he was doing. Dean ignored the question and asked Sam, "Isn't she beautiful? Isn't she just the most gorgeous girl ever?" Sam was a little worried and just said, "I guess so." Dean turned, looked at Sam and told him too bad because I was his. I told Dean that was enough; he needed to go lie down somewhere. He said he wasn't sleepy and would much rather stay down here. I told Dean that was fine and got him a glass of water.

When I came back Dean asked Sam if he knew that he and I had had sex. Sam looked at me and said no. I was furious at Dean for saying something. Then Dean asked Sam to guess how many times. Sam said he didn't care. Dean answered his own question and said he lost count after we reached fifteen. I couldn't believe what Dean was telling Sam. Drunk or not he shouldn't have told him. Sam was annoyed by Dean's behavior; he started pacing back and forth. Dean walked over to Sam and thanked Sam for breaking me in. That was way over the line. Before thinking Sam punched Dean. Dean went flying into the kitchen counter. I ran over to Dean to see if he was okay. He said he was fine. I helped him up, but then he said he was feeling queasy. I hurried up and ran him over to the toilet. We got there right before he started throwing up. He must've drunk a lot because he was at the toilet puking for a good hour and a half.

While Dean was in the bathroom I went outside to talk to Sam. I told him he shouldn't have punched Dean. What he said was uncalled for and rude, but he was drunk and didn't know what he was saying. Sam admitted that he shouldn't have punched Dean, but he wasn't sorry he did. Then Sam asked me if what Dean said about us having sex was true. I told him it was true. He asked me for how long. I told him since Thanksgiving. Sam was acting like I had cheated on him or something. Sam finally asked the big question of whether or not I was in love with Dean. I thought about how to answer this question, but I guess my long pause gave Sam his answer. He asked me if Dean and I were together. I gave him the same response as I did before using the whole traveling thing as an excuse.

Sam was about to ask me more when I told him I was going to go check on Dean. When I got back to the bathroom Dean had sobered up a little. He was done throwing up. I helped him get undressed and then had him take a shower because he smelled like vomit and booze. While he was in the shower I asked Sam if Dean could borrow a pair of boxers and a t-shirt. Sam said that was fine and then asked me how I could take care of Dean after how he acted. I told him I was mad at Dean, but I loved him at the same time. After his shower Dean put on the clothes I brought him and went to sleep in my bed. I stayed up a little while longer to clear my head. When I went into my room Dean was passed out.

When I woke up this morning Dean was still asleep. I hadn't expected him to be awake. I had to go to work otherwise I would've still been sleeping. Sam was already up and eating breakfast. He asked how Dean was. I told him he was still asleep upstairs. Shortly after that I left to go to work. I told Annabelle all about what happened. She just told me Sam was bound to find out eventually. I knew she was right. As much as I didn't want Sam to know he was going to.

After my shift was over Dean was waiting for me outside. Right away he started apologizing. I told him I was over it. Sam was going to find out eventually I just didn't want it to be like that. I asked him why he felt the need to get drunk to tell him. He said he didn't plan on getting drunk and making an ass out of himself. He had planned on just coming over. He arrived first when Sam and I were watching the movie. I had fallen to sleep and was lying on Sam. Sam had his arm around me and kept looking down at me. Dean had feared that Sam and I were starting to get feelings for each other again. After he saw this he went back to his motel room with a bottle of Jack and a six-pack of Miller. I asked him how much he even remembered from last night. He admitted not much. Sam filled him in on some of the details.

So basically Dean was jealous of Sam and I. I knew it wouldn't make him feel any better, but I told him there was nothing going on between Sam and I. Sam is in love with Jess and I am in love with him. Dean said he knew that, but he knows that you never forget your first love. I reminded him that Sam hurt me badly when he cheated on me with Jess. Dean said there was one thing bothering him about my relationship with Sam. He wanted to know if I had had my baby with Sam would I have gone back to him. I told him I had no plans of telling Sam we had a son when I was pregnant, so probably not. Dean sort of liked this answer. He then asked me if I thought we would be together if I had Sam's son. I told him that was hard to predict because I didn't really know him until after I lost the baby. I told him if it was meant to be we would've. I told him that I probably would've fallen for his charm then. I then asked him if it mattered, we were together now. He just said he was curious. It sounded to me like Dean was trying to find out if we were soul mates or not. I'm really not sure if Dean and I would be together if I had little Robert Samuel. Who knows where I would be right now if I had him. My life would've been entirely different. Would I have told Sam? Would Sam have quit school to help raise the baby? Would Dean and I have gotten so close? Those questions are unanswerable.

May 16, 2004

The police finally got back to me about what is going on with Zack. Since I am pressing charges they need a statement from any witnesses and me. Sam is my only witness. Basically they want me to explain what happened. For once this journal came in handy because I had stuff written from that day that I could use in the statement. Both Sam and Dean tried to get their hands on it so they could read what I wrote about them. Sam came very close, but I stopped him in time. I snatched it out of his hands and hit him over the head with it. Dean tried to play it cool and said he didn't need to read what I wrote about him because it was all good stuff.

My dad finally called to see how things were going. I told him we were doing fine. He said that he met up with some other hunters and they are going to go hunting together. He said he shouldn't be home for a while. I asked him where John was. He said he was meeting up with Dean somewhere. I was confused because Dean never mentioned that he would be leaving soon.

May 23, 2004

Dean left to go meet his dad for a hunt. Now it is just Sam and I. It's not terrible, but I already miss Dean. Sam isn't all that fun. He is usually on the phone with Jess talking about their days. When I am not working I am at home watching TV and movies. I need to make some more friends. Luckily I have Annabelle to keep me sane. If it weren't for her I would be going crazy. I can tell her anything and everything. She is like an older sister to me.

June 2, 2004

This week has been a really bad week. First off I haven't talked to Dean since he left. He keeps telling me he will call me back later, but never does. My father hasn't been home for almost a month. He has called to check in once in a while, but otherwise we haven't talked. To add on to this Annabelle is leaving. Her visa is up next week and is moving back to England. She wants to take me to dinner one last time before she leaves. I'm going to miss her so much. Now whom am I going to talk to about everything? She says I can call or email her whenever. It just won't be the same. Oh, and Zack is back. His shifts aren't the same as mine, but I see him sometimes when I am leaving because his shift is beginning. He hasn't really said anything to me, but just seeing him again gives me the shivers.

I'm not the only one having a bad week. Sam is having a tough time. Jess told him she wants to go on a break for the summer. Sam was not expecting this. He asked her why; she just said it would be easier. Ever since then Sam has just been moping around the house. He had planned on visiting her in July and giving her the promise ring. He asked what he should do with the ring. I told him to keep it incase they get back together. He liked my optimism. I feel so bad for him. He was so in love with Jess and then she goes and breaks his heart. Sam doesn't know what to do for the next two months he is here. I told him to get a job. He liked the idea and is looking for a job now.

June 10, 2004

Annabelle is now officially gone. She left yesterday in the morning. We went out for dinner the night before she left. I thanked her for everything. She helped me out when I needed money. She knew what my father really did and was okay with it. Lastly, she was my best friend. I don't know what to do now that she is gone. I haven't really talked to anyone about how I feel. Sam is too busy looking for a job and thinking about Jess to notice. Dean doesn't pick up when I call, and my father is too busy hunting. I'm afraid if I don't get my feelings out there I am going to explode.

June 16, 2004

So, Sam got a job. He is working at the coffee shop with me. He took over Annabelle's job. Sometimes we have the same shift, sometimes we don't. He just started the other day and is catching on quickly. The female customers really like having him there. Some of the female workers like having him here too. Lauren, one of our co-workers, asked me if he was single. I told her he just got out of a very serious relationship. She asked me if he was looking for a rebound and I told her no. Other co-workers seem to be jealous because Sam and I live together, even though they all know I am dating Dean. Speaking of Dean I still haven't talked to him. I feel like he is avoiding me. Did I do something? Did he do something? Is he hurt? Is he even alive? I would just like to hear his voice besides on his voicemail recording. I've stopped leaving him voicemails because it seems pointless.

June 23, 2004

So it is getting spread around work that Sam and I slept together. I'm not sure who started the rumor, but it is not funny. Technically it is true, but it was a long time ago. Sam has tried to find out who started it, but hasn't found anyone yet. I've had several co-workers ask how he was, how big he is, and how he compared to his brother. It's times like these I wish Annabelle were here. She would stand up for me. I mean Sam is sticking up for the two of us, but it is just not the same.

June 28, 2004

I hate myself. I hate myself so much right now. I need Annabelle so badly; she would know how to make this situation all better. It is so uncomfortable in my house right now after what happened.

I was sitting in my room when I decided to call Dean one more time. I pressed send on my cell phone and waited for the other end to start ringing. But I didn't hear any rings; instead I heard a recording telling me this number has been disconnected. That was the final straw for me. I was furious. I sat there thinking about everything that has been going wrong, Annabelle leaving, Zack being back, my father being gone for almost two months, the rumors going on at work, not talking to Dean for a month, and now Dean's cell being shut off. I sat there taking it all in. I couldn't take it anymore and started crying.

While I was in the middle of crying Sam came in to see if I wanted any dinner, but noticed me crying. He sat down next to me on the bed and asked what was wrong. I told him everything was wrong. He scooted over and put his arm around me for comfort. I started telling him everything that was wrong. After I told him everything I started bawling. I dug my head into Sam's chest and just cried for about fifteen minutes. Sam kept telling me everything was going to be okay.

When I finally had no more tears left I took my head off his chest and thanked him for comforting me. He said it was no problem and wiped the tears off my face. We sat there staring into each other's eyes until finally Sam pulled me in for a kiss. I wasn't really thinking and started kissing him back. We were really getting into it when I finally snapped out of it and pushed Sam away. I told him I couldn't do this and ran away from him to the garage. That is where I am right now.

I can't believe what happened. Does this mean Sam likes me again? Should I tell Dean? How could Sam have done something like that? He knows about my feelings for Dean. How is Dean going to take this if I tell him?


	5. Year 2004 pt2

July 2, 2004

I couldn't stand it anymore and called Annabelle for help. She always knows what to say to make me feel better. She basically said Dean deserved everything after the way he has been treating me. She said I did everything I could and he just didn't respond. She asked me if the kiss with Sam meant anything, meaning did I feel anything. I told her that I wasn't sure. It was a comforting kiss, but there wasn't any chemistry like when Dean and I kiss. She explained to me that it probably means I have no feelings for Sam anymore. I asked her if I should tell Dean. She said it was entirely up to me. I still haven't decided if I am going to tell him.

Sam doesn't understand why what he did was wrong because he thinks I am single. I just told him I promised myself I wouldn't fall for him again after he hurt me. He asked me if I was falling for him again. I told him I was not because of my feelings for Dean. He asked me how I could still love Dean after the way he has been treating me these past few weeks. I told him Dean hasn't done anything that bad, that I know of, he just hasn't been picking up his phone. Sam said I was free to like anyone I wanted to and left me alone.

With the way Sam is acting I have to wonder if I was the reason for his break up with Jess. She might've thought Sam was getting feelings for me. She wouldn't have been all wrong because I believe Sam is starting to fall for me again. This isn't good because I don't like Sam in that way. I see him as a good friend, nothing more. I'm not sure if I could convince Dean of this if I told him what happened between Sam and I. I think that is why I'm not going to tell him. I just need to make sure Sam doesn't say anything. With the way he's been acting I can't guarantee he won't say anything. I can ask him not to, but that doesn't mean anything.

July 10, 2004

My father is finally back. He looked so tired when he came home. When he got here he went straight up to bed. I later told him about Annabelle leaving. He said he was sorry because he knew how close we were. I then asked him if he had spoken to John or Dean lately. He said he saw them about a week or so ago, he wanted to know why. I told him no reason and changed the subject to what he was doing for the past two months. He told me a little about what happened, but he was very vague. He then asked me again why I wanted to know if he had spoken to John or Dean lately. I told him I was just wondering. He told me to cut the crap and tell him the truth. He wanted to know if everything between Dean and I was all right. He could tell by my face that everything wasn't all right. I told him I hadn't talked to Dean in a while and wasn't sure if he was okay. He said Dean looked healthy to him. He reassured me and told me that everything will be fine.

I don't know why, but I told my father about what happened between Sam and I. He looked so disappointed in me. He started shaking his head and told me I had messed up. I agreed with him, but then started coming up with excuses for my behavior. He told me to stop it and just accept that I did something wrong. He then asked when I planned on telling Dean. I told him never because Dean would think that Sam and I have feelings for one another when we don't. My dad got very serious and said that I had to tell Dean. He has a right to know that his girlfriend and brother made out while he was gone. I knew my father was right, but I didn't want to tell him that. So I started pulling out the excuses again. He told me to stop making excuses and call Dean to tell him the truth. I told my dad that was difficult when Dean's phone is no longer in service. My dad didn't believe me and called Dean's cell phone. He told me I was off the hook for now, but as soon as Dean gets here I need to tell him. Who knows when that will be? I don't even know where Dean is right now. He could be in freaking Canada for all I know.

July 14, 2004

I feel like a total jerk right now. I finally know why I couldn't get a hold of Dean. I was in the house making some dinner when I heard the rattling engine of the Impala. I looked outside and saw Dean getting out of his car. About ten seconds later I was already at the front door. I ran outside and asked him very forcefully where he had been. He said he was hunting, like I should already know the answer. I went over to him and asked him why his phone was shut off, while shoving him into his car. I continued shoving him while asking him why he hasn't called me, and if he was falling out of love with me. I then fell to the ground and started crying. I asked him if he loved me anymore. Dean bent down to me and told me he was definitely still in love with me. He then helped me back up and wiped away my tears from my face. He continued to hold my face in his hands while I asked him why his phone was disconnected. He confessed that he lost his phone had it disconnected and bought a new one. He didn't call me back because he didn't have my number in his new cell phone. He then pulled out his new phone and showed it to me. I apologized for my behavior. He said it was understandable considering the situation. He admitted that he probably would have freaked if I hadn't picked up my phone for an entire month especially with Sam around. That was when I remembered what had happened with Sam and I.

I told Dean we needed to talk. He got really nervous and asked me what it was about. I started off by telling him how difficult this past month has been. When it got to the part about Sam and I kissing I paused. Dean sat there looking at me waiting for me to say something. After about a minute of saying, "Well we sort of…well we…he…I…he and I," I finally spit it out. I told him that Sam kissed me. Dean was shocked. I hurried up and told him that the kiss didn't mean anything. He asked me how it couldn't mean anything. I told him there was nothing there when we kissed. Dean stood up and started walking for the door. I followed behind him crying, telling him over and over again that I loved him. Dean was walking around like he was looking for something.

After walking around the entire house he asked me where Sam was. I told him he was working. He then went outside and hopped in his car and drove away. I ran for my car to follow him.

When we got to the coffee shop Dean walked in furious. He asked where Sam was. The girl pointed to the back. I tried to stop Dean from going to the back, but he wouldn't listen. He went to the back and found Sam taking inventory. Sam greeted Dean, but Dean just punched Sam in the face. Sam went flying into the counter. I grabbed Dean and told him to go to the front. I asked Sam if he was okay. He said he was fine and asked what that was for. I just made a kissy face and left for the front. Sam got up and followed me.

When we got to the front things got even more interesting. Little did I know Zack was also working. Dean spotted him as he was walking out and stopped to have a little chat. He asked Zack if he enjoyed trying to rape his girlfriend. Zack said he was very sorry for what happened. Dean continued and shouted at him if he knew what he put me through. I ran over to Dean and told him to stop it and just leave it alone. Dean pushed me aside and said he wasn't going to leave it alone because Zack needed to learn from his mistakes. I told him this was not the place to teach him a lesson. I started pushing Dean towards the door, but he wouldn't obey. I then told Dean to look at me. He finally turned and looked at me. He could tell by my face that I really didn't want him to do anything. Then out of nowhere Dean grabs me and starts kissing me real hard. After he finished kissing me he turned towards Zack and told him to remember that. Then Dean left and went outside. I followed him and thanked him for not causing too much of a scene. He asked me how I could have kissed Sam. I told him there were a thousand excuses I could give him, but the bottom line was I messed up big time and was sorry. Dean could tell that I was genuinely sorry and said he'd forgiven me, but I had some making up to do.

I could think of one thing I could do that he would enjoy, make him a home cooked meal. So now I have to figure out what to make him for dinner tomorrow night. I told Sam and my dad to stay out of the house for two hours because Dean and I were going to have dinner alone. Sam asked if it was a dinner date. I told him I wasn't sure, but I hoped it was. Of course I knew it was a dinner date. I don't know what to make. I might have to ask my father for some ideas.

July 20, 2004

Dinner with Dean was amazing. I've got to say I am one amazing cook. I made us some steaks off the grill that I marinated in this garlicky, Asian marinade. For the sides I made rice and corn on the cob. That wasn't even the best part. The best part was dessert. I made us a chocolate soufflé to share. It was so good. I was proud of myself because the soufflé did not fall. Dean was impressed because he had no clue I could cook. He said that he is even more turned on by me now.

After we ate we went to the couch to digest our food. Dean asked me how I was holding up since Annabelle left. I told him it was tough, but I am living through it. I could tell her anything and she wouldn't judge me. Dean reminded me that I could tell him anything. I told him there were some things that I could only talk about with her, girl things. He just said he was sorry and if I ever needed to talk there was always Sam. I punched Dean in the arm and laughed sarcastically. Dean put me in a headlock and gave me a noogie. The two of us started to play around on the couch, tickling and poking each other playfully. We were about to start kissing when Sam and my father walked in. Dean and I stopped what we were doing and went to the kitchen to clean up after ourselves.

After we were finished I went to my room. About twenty minutes later Dean knocked on my door. Once I opened the door Dean started kissing me while kicking the door shut. We were about to get into things for the first time since before the night with Zack when Sam knocked on the door. His timing is just incredible. When I answered the door Sam said we needed to talk, but then he saw Dean and said never mind. I just couldn't believe him. He interrupted Dean and I again. After Sam left Dean said it was time for him to go to bed. We kissed each other good night and went into our separate bedrooms for the evening. I just kept thinking about how angry I was at Sam. Dean and I were so close to having sex for the first time in about three months.

July 23, 2004

John called Dean to go out on a hunt by himself. John said he would go, but was stuck on another case. He wants Dean to start investigating and he will meet up with him later. Dean told me he didn't like working the cases by himself because he gets lonely. I could tell that he was trying to hint at something. I told Dean that was just too bad. He then pretended like he just got a brilliant idea and asked me to join him. I reminded him what happened last time with my father. Dean didn't see what the big deal was because I'm an adult and I should be able to make my own decisions. I told him that was all true, but as long as I'm living under my father's roof I don't get to make decisions. Dean asked me why I didn't just move out and live on my own. I tried to think of a good reason, but I couldn't. Money isn't too much of an issue. I'm making about $10 an hour and I have the money I earned when I was working with Annabelle. Rent out here isn't too bad for a decent apartment in the good part of town. The only problem is that I would want a roommate because otherwise I will get lonely. Dean will be gone most of the time and Sam lives in California when he has school. I still have to give this some thought; it would be a big move. I don't know how my father would take it.

July 26, 2003

I told Dean that I do want to start looking for a place to live on my own. He asked if we could look for an apartment after the hunt. I still wasn't sure if I should go. I was supposed to work this week. I told Dean to go off without me, but he kept insisting I go with him. He wants to go on another hunt with me. I think that is so sweet of him to want me there with him. I kept telling him I couldn't because of work and my father. Eventually he gave in and told me I didn't have to go with, but once I have my own place there is no excuse. So, Dean left yesterday and he has already called me three times. He wants to make sure he doesn't neglect me again.

Now I need to get up the courage to tell my father I'm looking for a new place to live. I'm not sure how he is going to take it. He might not like the idea of me living on my own without a roommate. I'm thinking of presenting the idea over dinner. I just need to be careful in how I express the idea. I need to choose my words very carefully. I think I might tell him that I need my independence. I need to start living on my own and see how it feels to be responsible for myself and pay bills. I really hope he doesn't see it as me trying to get away from him because that is not what it would be about. Part of it is to get away from his rules, but I really want to do this so I can finally feel like I have grown up and shown to myself that I can take care of myself. I'm just going to have to tell my dad soon. I'm afraid my father is going to think I'm only doing this so Dean and I can have some alone time. That would be an added bonus. I guess I will just have to wait and see how he takes it.

I've already looked through the newspaper for places for rent. So far there are a few possibilities. I won't know for sure until I go see them. I need to figure out how much I can spend on rent and still live comfortably. I currently earn $10 an hour and average about thirty hours a week. So in one week I make $300 without taxes. I already have $15,000 saved up from working at the coffee shop and helping Annabelle out. Speaking of Annabelle I haven't heard from her in a while. I hope she is doing okay; I bet she is doing just fine. I would love to take a trip out there to visit her and meet her family. She didn't really speak much about them. I'm guessing they're nice people.

Aug 1, 2004

So I think I found the place I want to rent. I haven't gone to see it yet, but the way it is described makes it sound decent. It is a loft apartment in the downtown area near my house now. The rent is $450 a month and that includes utilities. I don't really want to wait for Dean to get here to see it, but he insists on coming with. He thinks it will be safer for me if he comes with. I don't know if the place will be furnished or not. I'm hoping that I can just take my bedroom set with me. I still have to tell my father that I'm planning on moving out. I haven't even told Sam. He has noticed me looking through the classifieds, but hasn't asked me any questions. I guess I don't really see it as Sam's business. He doesn't need to know if I plan on moving out or not.

Aug 4, 2004

My dad knows now about me looking for an apartment. I think he is fine with it, but I can't tell. I explained to him that I needed to start being more independent. He completely agreed, but he doesn't want me to move out because he will get lonely. I told him I didn't plan on moving far. He asked me to show him the places I thought looked good. I showed him what looked like good places to live. He told me to set up an appointment to see the places. I told him how Dean wanted to go with so that the landlord doesn't try anything on me. My dad told me to make the appointments because he will accompany me. This made me feel good. It showed me that my father was supportive of this move. He and I are going tomorrow to look at the loft that I like. I hope it turns out to be really nice. I can't believe I'm going to look for my own place. It is exciting and scary at the same time. I'm so ready to look at the place.

Aug 7, 2004

I found my new place. I can't believe I am really doing this. Dean was a little upset that I didn't wait for him to look at the places. I ended up really liking the loft. It is small, but not too small. My dad said I could take my bedroom set; now I just need a living room set and a kitchen table. My dad suggested I go to some yard sales for the best price. I'm so excited. I move out next week so I have to start packing up. Sam will already be gone so he won't be able to help me move. He thinks it is a good idea that I live on my own because he feels that is the best way to start growing up. John and Dean said they would try to make it down to help, but they can't make any promises. We could really use their muscles to help with the move. I hope they make it in time.

Aug 11, 2004

My room is starting to look really empty. John and Dean believe they will be able to help me move. I'm super pumped to move into my new apartment. I just hope I don't get too lonely without Dean there. I have a feeling that Dean is going to ask me to come on a lot more hunts with him. I don't really have a legit excuse anymore. I can use work, but really I want to go on another hunt with him. I've wanted to go on another hunt since my first one ended.

I found a really nice kitchen table at a yard sale. It is small, but that's what I'm looking for. The cost of the table was very reasonable. It is a pretty basic table. I'm still looking for a living room set. I'm also going to need some appliances like a toaster and microwave. I'll probably look for those things later. Just a few more days and I will be living on my own. I'm so ready.

Aug 24, 2004

I have now lived in my apartment for a total of four days and couldn't be happier. The freedom of having my own place is amazing. My father tried to set the rules, but it didn't work. He told Dean that he has to spend the night at his house when he's in town. I told my father that Dean could sleep wherever he wants when he's here. Dean has stayed here every night since I have been living here. The place is coming along nicely. Dean and I have found a living room set for the place. He came with me to the garage sales and helped me pick it out. He has helped me set up the apartment. All in all, Dean has been amazing through out this entire move. I think he is hoping to get something out of this. I've been really bad these past few days. I've been a big tease. I'm ready for Dean, but it is fun to lead him on. I'll give in eventually.

Sept 3, 2004

Dean still hasn't left yet. I'm afraid my landlord is going to think I'm subleasing my apartment. Dean says there isn't really anything going on right now. I'm not really sure what Dean does while I'm working, but he says he keeps himself busy. So far Dean has been pretty clean, for Dean. He no longer leaves his dirty dishes on the table. He now moves them over to the sink for me to clean. He has also learned to close his cereal boxes and put them in the cabinet. It took him some time to learn this. I had to raise my voice a few times for him to clean up after himself. Sometimes I feel like I am living with a child. We've gotten into a few fights over cleanliness. Now things are getting better since we have discussed things.

I don't want Dean to leave anytime soon. It is going to be so boring when he leaves. I know that as soon as he gets a job he is going to be asking me to join him. I don't know if I will have the strength to turn him down because I will probably want to go with him. I really do want to go on another hunt. I'm afraid that I will get too attached to hunting that I will neglect the coffee shop and start losing money. I'm not sure what I want. Do I want safe or take the risk of living on the road? I can't leave yet because I just signed a one-year lease. First I have to wait and see if Dean asks me to go with him. He may not even ask me to go with him.

Sept 8, 2004

Dean just noticed that there are no pictures of the two of us. We have been together for over six months and there are no pictures in my new apartment of the two of us. He asked me why that was. I told him it was because we don't have any pictures together. At first he didn't believe me, but after he gave it some thought he knew it was true. He said we needed to change that and take more pictures. I asked him with what because neither one of us owned a camera. He said that wasn't entirely true. He had a camera in his trunk. He said it was a digital. I asked him why he never brought it out. He told me that he doesn't really know how to use it; his father was the one who bought it.

Dean went out to the car and brought the camera in with him. I asked him what he intended to do with it. He said take pictures of the two of us. I told him now was not the time because I wasn't prepared to have a picture taken of me. I hadn't showered all day, had no makeup on, and was wearing sweats. Dean didn't understand why that mattered. He tried to be sly and told me I looked beautiful no matter what. I just told him he could stop kissing my ass because he is already sleeping with me. I gave in and let him take some pictures of the two of us. He let me figure out how to transfer the pictures to my computer. It took me about a minute to figure it out.

The pictures turned out pretty cute. There is this really nice one with the two of us kissing. I might print it out and frame it. I don't think Dean likes that I have a picture of Sam and I from when we were together. We aren't doing anything bad in the picture, just smiling. He hasn't said anything about it, but I see him looking at it sometimes. I, of course, have the picture of my biological parents in my apartment. I notice myself looking more and more like my mother. I am almost a spitting image of her except for my father's smile.

Sept 13, 2004

I'm starting to get suspicious of Dean. He claims that there are no hunts to go on. I find that hard to believe. Don't get me wrong, I love having him around, but it is just strange to have him here for such a long time. In a way I sort of believe him because John is still at my father's house. Dean is just bothering me because he doesn't really do much around my apartment besides make a mess. I keep telling him to pick up after himself, but he doesn't seem to get it. He doesn't even cook his own meals. Whenever I ask him to do something for dinner he just goes to McDonald's or Taco Bell and picks up some food to go. He doesn't even get me what I would want even though I tell him every time. Wow, listen to me. I sound like I'm married to the guy. I sound like I'm sick of him, but I'm really not. Those are things I can fix with time. It's not like I'm OCD or a neat freak I just don't want any other animals living in here. I might need to raise my voice a little more. I do wonder what Dean does all day while I go to work. He has to be bored with just sitting around my apartment. There really isn't anything too exciting to do there. I don't even have cable.

Sept 19, 2004

Thank Allah that Dean was here this week. He has reassured me about why I chose him. Shortly after my last entry I started feeling really nauseous. I ended up hugging the toilet all night. Dean was perfect throughout the whole thing. He ran to the only pharmacy open to get me some medicine to help me feel better. After I was finished throwing up he carried me to my bed and even helped me change into my pajamas. The whole time I was in bed Dean saw to my every need. He surprised me by making me some soup. Granted it was Campbell's, but it was Mmmm..Mmmm, good. He even rented some chick flicks for me to watch. I think he enjoyed some of them. I swear I saw him shed a tear while watching "A Walk to Remember." I can't blame him; it's a sad movie. However he won't man up to it. He really is the best boyfriend I could ask for.

Sept 26, 2004

Dean is just full of surprises. Yesterday when I came home from work Dean surprised me with dinner. It wasn't just pizza or Chinese takeout; it was something he actually cooked. Well, it was mainly stuff you just add water to and heat up, but it was the thought that counted. He even had some candles lit and was dressed pretty nice. I asked him what it was all for. He just asked me if he needed a reason to cook his lovely girlfriend dinner. I told him yes. He then admitted that he felt bad about being such a slob lately. He felt like he was being lazy and that he was bothering me. At first I wondered if he had read my journal, but I could tell that he genuinely meant it. Dean made us some pasta. He tried to pull it off that he made the sauce, but I spotted the jar in the trash.

After we were done with our dinner Dean told me to move to the couch while he got dessert ready. I was very curious about what was for dessert. Two minutes later Dean came out with some strawberries and melted chocolate. He sat down next to me and dipped a strawberry in chocolate to feed it to me. I took a bite out of it and ended up with chocolate all over my face. I had a feeling that I looked like an idiot. Dean played it cool and said we couldn't have any of that. He then leaned over and licked the chocolate off my face. It sounds sort of gross, but he did it in such a sexy way. I decided it was my turn to feed him a strawberry. I picked one up, dipped it into the chocolate and fed it to him. This time the juices from the strawberry were dripping down his chin. Instead of licking it off like he did I decided to wipe it off with my finger and then licked my own finger. Little did I know I had dripped some of the chocolate from Dean's strawberry on my chest. Dean noticed and cleaned it off with his mouth.

I couldn't take it anymore. I grabbed his face and planted a kiss on his lips. He started kissing me back. As he was kissing me he started pushing me to lie down so he was on top of me. He then started kissing me everywhere, but my lips. He was being such a tease. I then proceeded to take his shirt off and unzipped his pants. I was so ready to get back into things. Dean brushed his lips along my jaw and asked me if I was sure. I pushed him up off of me so that I could be on top. I asked him what he thought. He then took my shirt off and was about to unhook my bra when the phone rang. I told Dean to just ignore it. Dean seemed to agree and started kissing my neck. I then heard the machine go off and my father started leaving a message. I started listening to what he was saying and stopped paying attention to what Dean was doing. I told Dean to stop for a minute so I could listen.

Apparently our, or I mean his house was broken into tonight and some very important things were taken. He told me to call him back ASAP. I was worried about what he meant by important things. This message really killed the mood. Nothing like your father's voice to stop you from having sex with your boyfriend. Dean was very disappointed. He told me I was going to give him blue balls one of these days.

After I apologized I called my father back to find out what was taken. He said there were some pretty rare books taken from his collection and some cursed objects that he was taking care of for John. I asked him what kind of objects. He just said in a very annoyed voice that they were the kinds that kill people. I asked him what he wanted me to do. I wasn't sure if there really was anything I could do. He said there really wasn't anything I could do he just thought I should know what happened. I thanked him for the heads up and then said goodbye.

I was sort of annoyed that he just interrupted Dean and I with something that was not of any importance. Dean asked what was taken. I told him everything that was taken. He asked if there are any leads as to who took the stuff. I told him I had no clue. I was so annoyed at my father that I didn't want to talk about him anymore. I told Dean I was getting tired and was going to take a bath and then go to bed. Dean looked saddened that I was already planning on going to bed. I gave him a quick kiss and told him to keep thinking what he's thinking. He smiled and said he had no choice. That was basically the end of our night.

Oct 4, 2004

Things are really starting to look up. First off, Zack quit at the coffee shop and has moved to Wisconsin, and then later I got offered a new position at the coffee shop as a shift manager. They are going to be paying me $14.00 an hour. My first task as the new shift manager is to find someone to replace me. I'm so excited. The only problem is that if Dean asks me to leave on a hunt last minute I'm not going to be able to go. I asked Dean if he has spotted any possible hunts. He said it has been quiet lately. I called my dad to ask if it's normal to go over a month without a hunt. He explained that there are some dry months, but after the dry months there are usually really loud, stormy months. That got me a little worried. How bad is this storm going to be and when is it going to hit?

Oct 12, 2004

I'm really worried about Dean. I think he is lying to me about there not being any hunts. What really got me worried was when my father called to tell me he and John were going out on a hunt. I asked Dean why he wasn't going with them. He just said they didn't ask him to go with them. For some reason I don't believe that. Something in his face told me that he was lying. I didn't say anything. I realized that I could find out the truth from my father. I tried calling him, but he didn't pick up. I left a voicemail telling him to call me back. I love having Dean here, don't get me wrong. I'm going to miss having him around. I'm really going to miss cuddling with him at night before I fall to sleep. I just don't want him to stop hunting because of me. I don't know why he would when I want to go out on a hunt with him. I'm afraid he is getting too comfortable here. I need to make him feel less comfortable here, but how?

Oct 15, 2004

A lot has happened over the past three days. I'll start with the least important and then get on to the bigger stuff.

First off, I found the person to replace me at the coffee shop. Her name is Tracy. She is 18 years old, worked at Starbucks, and is currently a senior in high school. She seems like a really nice girl and like she will be a hard worker. She starts tomorrow. Hopefully she was the right choice.

The next thing that has happened in the past three days is Sam called me the other day. He and Jess have gotten back together. However he plans on coming here for Thanksgiving with her. I asked him if that was really what he wanted to do. He said that me and my father are the closest thing he has to family. I don't know how I feel about meeting the girl that Sam cheated on me with. I'm fine with him dating her, but to actually meet her face to face is another thing. Sam also said that he wants to see my new apartment. He asked me how it was living on my own, if I was bored a lot. I didn't really think about my answer and told him that it was hard to be bored when Dean is here all the time. Sam asked why Dean was there. I told him because he wants to be. That was mainly what we talked about. Now to see if he really goes through with inviting Jess over for Thanksgiving.

The final thing that happened this week is Dean and I had our first big fight. This was a big one. It started when my father finally called me back. I asked him if he or John invited Dean to come along on the hunt. My father told me that he did, but Dean turned him down saying that his ankle was bothering him. I thanked my dad for the information and told him to stay safe. After I hung up with my father I went to confront Dean about lying to me.

I went to the bedroom where Dean was lying down. I sat down next to him on the bed. I then asked him how his ankle was feeling. He said it feels fine and asked why. I told him that my father told me that he heard that his ankle was sore. Then Dean acted like he just remembered that his ankle was sore. He said that his ankle was bothering him last week, but now it was feeling better. I told him that was a load of bull. His ankle was never bothering him he just didn't want to go on the hunt for some odd reason. I finally asked him why he lied to our fathers about why he couldn't go, and why he turned down the hunt in the first place. He asked me why I wanted to know. I told him because I know how much he loves hunting. Dean finally admitted that he needed a break from it for a few months. Sort of like an extended vacation. I didn't really understand why he would want to take a break from hunting.

I made the mistake of asking Dean if he planned on staying at my apartment during this break. Dean took it as me saying I was sick of him being here. He asked me if I wanted him to leave. I told him no, but I would appreciate it if he did his share around the place. That was when he really got upset. He started saying that he cleans up after himself and took care of me when I was sick. I told him that he does not clean up after himself; he just puts his dirty dishes in the sink for me to clean. He then told me that he had every intention to clean his dishes, but I get there before him. I told him that by the time he would clean his dishes there would be mold growing on them. I continued and told him I want him to pay part of the rent if he was going to be staying here for a few months. He didn't understand why I wanted him to pay part of it. I then called him cheap. Dean then said whatever and that he was out of here and walked out the door.

That was about three hours ago and he hasn't come back yet. I've tried calling him on his cell, but he keeps ignoring my call. I'm not sure why he acted that way. There must be something else going on. Either way I'm worried about him. Where is he? Is he all right?

Oct 16, 2004

Dean came back at about 4:30 this morning with a black eye. I was in bed restlessly sleeping when he came in stumbling drunk. I didn't know about the black eye until I woke up this morning. I woke up around 9:30 to get ready for work when I looked at Dean while he was sleeping. I realized that his eye was bruised. I decided to let him sleep and that I would ask him about it when I got home from work.

Tracy, the new girl, started working today. She was a good pick. She is a really cool girl and a fast learner. She already knows how to make most of the items on the menu. I got to know her a little better today. She was born and raised mainly in a small town in Montana. Recently her father's company relocated to here. She is an only child, like me. Her personality is also a really good one. She is very laid back and has a great sense of humor. I could see myself being friends with her. I need a girl friend since Annabelle left. Speaking of Annabelle I haven't talked to her in a while.

After work I went straight home so I could ask Dean about his black eye. When I got home Dean was sitting on the couch watching TV. I sat down next to him, kissed him on the cheek, and said hello. Dean didn't say anything and continued watching TV. I could tell that he was still upset about the night before. I didn't want him to be upset with me anymore so I went and sat on him so that I was facing him. He looked up at me and asked what I wanted. I told him that I was sorry for calling him cheap and would love it very much if he stayed with me during his break. He said that was great, but I could tell he was still angry. I told him to stop being angry. I put my hand on his face and he started brushing his face against it. I could tell he was starting to calm down. I then brushed my finger against his black eye and asked him what happened. He said that he got into a fight with some guys at the bar. They were being sore losers. I asked him if it hurt and he said only when he blinks.

I kissed it and said poor baby. I asked him if it hurt anywhere else. He said now that he thought about it the side of his neck really hurt. I then kissed his neck. Dean continued to point to various parts on his body that hurt and I proceeded to kiss them. He was really enjoying this game. Finally after a few minutes he pointed to his lips and said they really hurt. I gave him a kiss on the lips and asked him if they felt better. He said that I might need to kiss them again, but this time for a little longer. I did as he asked.

Eventually he pulled away and asked me if there was anywhere hurting me. I told him there were a few places. He told me to point them out and maybe he could make them feel better. We then moved to the floor so that we could get more comfortable. I started pointing at random parts on my body and Dean made them feel better. I was getting so turned on by this game I could barely contain myself. At one point I pointed to my inner thigh. Dean played it smooth and told me he was going to have to take my pants off to take care of that pain. I told him he can do whatever he thinks is best for the problem. He said in that case I should just take off all my clothes so he can get a good look at any other problems I had. I did as he asked and stripped down to my underwear. Dean started sensually touching me. He was brushing his fingertips ever so gently that I could barely feel it.

Dean climbed on top of me and put his mouth right next to my ear and asked me what I wanted him to do next. His breath tickled my ear. I knew exactly what I wanted and I could tell as he was lying on top of me what he wanted. I wrapped my legs around his waist and told him to guess. I won't go into too much detail, but Dean did a good job of guessing what I wanted.

After about five months my celibacy is finally over. It felt amazing; I think it might have been better than our first time. Dean sure was happy. We were both extremely tired afterwards and fell to sleep on the floor. I'm really glad that I have my own place now because I don't have to worry so much about being caught. I think that might be part of the reason this time was so much better; I could really let loose. In time Dean and I moved to the bedroom to fall to sleep, but not before round two. I'm sure going to sleep soundly tonight and so is Dean.

Oct 27, 2004

Ever since Dean and I started having sex again we have been going at it like rabbits. It's like we're trying to make up for lost time. I come home from work and we have sex, before we go to bed we have sex, and when I wake up in the morning we have sex. Sometimes we even wake up in the middle of the night and have sex. Dean is a lot happier now. He has started cleaning up after himself more. I think he might be trying to have sex at my work because he has visited my work several times this week. When I ask him what he wants he just says he misses me and wanted to see my face. For some reason I don't believe him.

Tracy thinks Dean is "super cute." She thinks I am so lucky to have a guy like him. Speaking of Tracy we have become friends. She is "super cool." We have really gotten to know each other over the past few days. It feels good to have a girl friend again. I think I'm going to try to invite her over soon. I would really like to get to know her outside of work.

Sam is still planning on inviting Jess over for Thanksgiving. I'm still not sure how I feel about meeting her. I'm afraid that I'm going to be a bitch to her unintentionally. Sam might not like me very much after meeting her. I haven't told Sam any of this because then he might not come for Thanksgiving. My father is looking forward to meeting Jess. He really wants to meet the girl who is making Sam so happy.

Nov 10, 2004

Tracy and I have been hanging out a lot lately. She comes over after work and hangs out at the apartment. Sometimes Dean is there, but he usually leaves us alone and goes to the bar down the street. It's a good thing he leaves because Tracy gets all giggly around him. She can't help herself because she gets really nervous around him. Dean isn't too happy that she is coming over because it cuts into our alone time. However Dean has been able to get a bunch of money playing cards and is going to pay for my rent for the month of November. I'm really glad that Tracy and I have become friends. She's no Annabelle, but she'll do for now.

Sam and Jess will be here in about two weeks. He wants to come straight to my apartment and check it out. He wants to make sure he doesn't miss it while he's in. I reminded him that I would have the apartment for the next year.

Nov 16, 2004

I finally talked to Annabelle. She apologized for not calling or emailing in such a long time. I told her it was fine because I've been busy with my new place. She said that was awesome that I was living on my own. I then told her about how Dean has been here everyday since I have moved in. She asked why he wasn't out working. I explained it to her. I continued and told her about my promotion at the coffee shop. She just said that was great. She then told me about what was going on with her. She has been busy roaming around England looking for ancient supernatural artifacts. She also met a guy whom she is becoming pretty serious with. She thinks that she might be in love with him, but isn't sure yet. She asked me how I knew I was in love with Dean. I told her that I just knew it when I felt it.

Love is just so hard to explain because each person feels it differently. I knew I was in love with Dean when I couldn't picture my life without him. When I knew that I would be miserable without him. Over the past few months I really have fallen in love with him. I'm falling more and more everyday. Even though he annoys me sometimes I would rather he be here with me than on a hunt hundreds of miles away. I don't know what I'm going to do when his vacation is over and he wants to go back out to hunt. After she heard my explanation she still wasn't sure. I didn't know how to help her. I just told her to listen to her heart.

After I hung up with her Sam gave me a call to remind me that he will be arriving in less than a week and what time I should pick them up at the airport. Dean is really interested in meeting Jess. He wants to see if she was worth my broken heart. So now I'm afraid that Dean might be an ass towards her. I'm guessing she must be nervous too.

Nov 24, 2004

Sam and Jess are officially in town, but they still haven't taken the grand tour of my apartment. At 5:30 I went to go pick them up at the airport like Sam told me. Dean decided to come with me and insisted we take the Impala. We got to the airport on time and waited for them by the baggage claim like Sam told me. They came down the escalator holding hands. As soon as I saw her I was jealous. She has the most beautiful curly, blond hair and one of the best bodies I have ever seen. She is like a life size Barbie. As she was walking toward us holding Sam's hand I muttered under my breath, "Damn she's hot." Dean must have seen my reaction because he reassured me by putting his arm around my waist and pulling me into him. Sam and Jess came over to us and Sam introduced Jess to the both of us. I put on a fake smile and shook her hand. They went to get their luggage and then all four of us went to the Impala. The entire time Dean kept his arm around my waist. After we got the bags in the trunk Sam told us to drop them off at my dad's place because they were both exhausted and wanted to get some rest. He said they would have to take the tour some other day. That was fine with me. I couldn't fake being polite for too much longer. Dean and I headed back to my apartment after we dropped off Jess and Sam.

When we got back to the apartment I asked Dean what he thought of her. He said she seemed like a nice girl, but it was hard to tell when she didn't really talk much. I told him that I thought she was gorgeous and I could tell why Sam cheated on me with her. Dean was taken aback by this response. He told me that I am ten times prettier than her and that Sam shouldn't have cheated on me with anyone no matter what they looked like. I finally admitted to Dean that I didn't think I was going to be able to make it through Thanksgiving dinner with her there. I told him I thought it would be fine, but after seeing her I'm not so sure anymore. It hurt me too much seeing him with her knowing that she was the one that he cheated on me with. Dean must have taken it the wrong way and thought that I still had feelings for Sam. I told him that I didn't have feelings for Sam like that, but seeing her reminded me of how I felt after he told me he was cheating on me. I didn't know what she looked like so I came up with a mental picture of her and she looked nothing like the real thing.

Dean started to understand what I was feeling and asked me what I was going to do about Thanksgiving with her there. I told him that I wasn't sure I wanted to go. He asked me what I planned on doing instead. I then thought of the perfect Thanksgiving. I told Dean that I would cook us a Thanksgiving dinner. He told me if that was what I really wanted to do then that was what we were going to do. I told him if he wanted to invite his father he could. He liked the idea, but told me his father wasn't near here so it was doubtful that he would make it. Dean then asked me what I planned on telling my father about not showing up the Thanksgiving. I'm still not sure what I am going to tell him. I'm thinking of coming down with some sort of illness. Dean suggested that I tell him the truth, but then he started laughing because he realized that would never work with my father. I don't know what I'm going to say, but I know that I need to make a run to the store first thing tomorrow morning to get supplies for dinner. Dean said he would help with some of the cooking if I need his help. I might take him up on the offer, but I'll just leave the easy stuff to him. Thanksgiving should be fun now. I hope John will be able to make it.

Nov 27, 2004

So how come I can never have a normal Thanksgiving?

I woke up Thanksgiving morning and gave my dad a call telling him that Dean and I got food poisoning and won't be able to make it to dinner. He was saddened by the news, but told us to get better soon. I felt bad lying to my father. After I got off the phone with him I left to go to the store. I knew it was going to be crowded with last minute shoppers like myself, but I didn't expect it to be that crowded. The entire town must have been there. I couldn't find an entire turkey, but that was okay. I didn't need a huge turkey for just the two of us. I found a nice looking turkey breast. I also bought some instant mashed potatoes for Dean to make. I bought some other essentials for dinner.

At about four o'clock I started making dinner. I put Dean in charge of the cranberries and mashed potatoes. I was so happy that Dean was helping out. I asked Dean if he heard from his father about whether or not he's coming. Dean said he hadn't heard anything. Dean and I finished making dinner around 5:30. Everything smelled so good. I bought just enough food for the two of us.

After we finished eating we decided to watch a movie. Dean decided we were going to watch "Silence of the Lambs." I know a great movie for Thanksgiving. We just put the movie on when there was a knock at my door. I looked through the peephole and saw Sam standing with a paper bag in his hand. I was utterly confused as to why he was standing outside my apartment. I was also wondering how Sam knew where I lived. My father probably told him. However, I wasn't sure how Sam got into the building without me buzzing him in.

Anyways, I opened the door part way and asked what he wanted. He said he heard I wasn't feeling good so he brought me some soup. I told him that was nice of him, but I just had some soup. He didn't seem to care and kept pushing the soup on me. Finally I invited him inside. I thoroughly regret that decision now. I completely forgot that Dean and I had forgotten to clean up after ourselves. Luckily, Sam didn't notice this right away. I went and sat down next to Dean on the couch. Sam just stood there awkwardly holding the bag in his hand. He looked like he wanted to say something. Finally after a full minute of complete silence Sam asked why we weren't at my father's house for dinner. I was a little confused; I thought that Sam brought some soup over because I was sick. I told him that we both weren't feeling well. Then Sam said, "Oh yeah, that's right, then why did I see you at the store today buying a Thanksgiving meal for two? I mean you were too sick to go to your father's, but you can go to the store and make your own meal? I don't think so. Now, what is your real reason for not going to your father's?"

I didn't know what to say to him. Dean just sat there waiting for me to answer the question. He was of no help to me. Sam stood there staring at me, also waiting for my answer. I wasn't sure what to tell him. Should I tell him the truth or should I lie? Sam was starting to get impatient. He got really upset all of a sudden and started coming towards me asking the last question. Dean got in front of me and told Sam to chill. Sam started going off about how this was an important night for him. He really wanted all of us to be there to get to know Jess. He wanted the approval of his big brother and of one of his best friends. He looked over Dean to me and asked if I understood how important Jess is to his life. I pushed Dean out of the way and told Sam I understood, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to get through dinner without punching her. Sam was taken aback by this and asked why I would want to punch her. I reminded him that she was the girl he had an affair with while we were dating. Sam didn't understand he tried to remind me that I gave him permission to date her. I told him I knew that, but him talking about her and seeing her in person is totally different. I told him if the situation were reversed he would probably feel the same way. Sam admitted that it was probably true, but he still didn't see why that kept me away. Did I have to spell it out for him? Before I could think about what I was saying I responded with, "Because I would have punched that slut right out and I don't think that is appropriate for the dinner table."

After I said that I regretted it. Immediately after I got the words out Sam punched me. I didn't realize how strong Sam was until that moment. His punch felt like someone threw a brick at my face. Before I got my composure back Dean already had Sam out the door. I could tell that Sam was really sorry and like me didn't think before he acted. Dean had him in the hallway, but Sam kept trying to tell me he was sorry. Dean grabbed Sam by the face and told him to get out of here. Sam left even more upset than he arrived. Dean shut the door behind him and came over to me to see how I was doing. I didn't realize that my nose was bleeding and that my eye really hurt until Dean said something. He gently inspected my wounded face. He said it didn't look like anything was broken. He just couldn't believe that Sam hit me. He didn't think it was possible for Sam to hit a girl. I told him it was fine and to not tell my father about what happened. Dean wanted to hear one good reason why. I told him that my father is the closest thing Sam has to a real father right now. Dean said that Sam has a real father, but refuses to talk to him. Dean still didn't understand, but told me he wouldn't say anything to my father and that I could explain to my father how I got the nice shiner.

To add to the drama of the day John decided to show up around 11pm. Dean and I were finally getting comfortable on the couch watching the movie when there was another knock at the door. Dean decided he would answer it this time. There standing with a bag on his shoulder was John Winchester. He looked even worse than me. His face was covered with bruises and it looked like he hadn't slept in days. Instead of asking his father what happened or if he was okay, like a normal person, Dean told his father that he was late. John just rolled his eyes and asked if he could come in. Dean was about to act like a fool and mess with his father, but I decided to ruin his fun. I could tell John wasn't in the mood. I told John he could come in and that we were just watching a movie. He thanked me and then apologized for being late. Dean told him he was really late and missed all the fun.

I asked John what happened to his face. Dean interrupted John before he could speak and asked if there was something different about it. John and I just ignored him and continued on with our conversation. He explained that he was fighting a demon that had some important information concerning old yellow eyes. Dean looked at his father in shock because I was there and he didn't know that I knew about the demon. John explained to Dean that I knew all about the demon, but thankfully didn't tell him that my parents died as a result. John continued and said the demon wouldn't tell him anything so he sent him packing. I asked John if he wanted to stay for the night because he looked exhausted.

I finally got up off the couch to take his bag. He then noticed my bruised eye and dried blood by my nose. He looked quite shocked and just pointed at my eye confused. I told him to ask his son. He immediately charged Dean and told him he should never, under any circumstances, hit a girl. He more like yelled it at him. Dean told him it wasn't him it was his other son. John looked really confused and asked him if he meant Sam. John asked why Sam would hit me. Dean told him it was because I called his girlfriend a slut. John was furious; he wanted to know where Sam was. I told him to calm down, Sam was giving himself enough grief over this I didn't want John to make it worse. John didn't really care what I said he was upset with Sam because he thought he taught him better than that. I decided it was time to change the subject. I asked John if he was hungry and if he wanted something to eat. He said he was sort of hungry and that he could make himself something. I pointed him to the kitchen and told him there was some deli meat in the refrigerator. John left to go make himself a sandwich.

As soon as John was through the door Dean asked me why I told him that Sam punched me. I told him that I don't keep things from his father. Dean was bewildered and asked me why I was going to lie to my father. I told him I had no plans of lying to my father. I said we weren't going to say anything to my father. I told him if my father found out or asked about it I wasn't going to lie. Soon after that we all went to bed.

When I woke up this morning I could feel how swollen my face was. I didn't even need to look in a mirror to see how bad it looked. The way Dean looked at my face didn't help me feel any better. I got out of bed and went to the bathroom to look in the mirror. It was about as bad as I thought. My whole left eye was basically swollen shut and was a beautiful shade of black and blue. Not to mention the bridge of my nose was also very bruised. I tried touching it, but it hurt a lot. I was upset with Sam for doing this, but I knew that I shouldn't have called Jess a slut. I'm not sure how I am going to hide this at work. Luckily, I have today and tomorrow off, but what am I going to do when those days are over. Dean said I could wear a big pair of shades. I would do that, but wearing sunglasses hurt. Dean told me to continue icing it.

John left early this morning to talk to my father. I caught him right before he left and begged him not to say anything to my father or to Sam. I told him I wanted to be the one to tell my father. He said fine and left.

Dean later asked me when and how I found out about yellow eyes. I told him that I over heard a conversation between our fathers about the demon. John mentioned how it killed their mother. I was confused so I asked my father about it and he told me the truth. So now his father keeps me updated. It wasn't the complete truth, but it was pretty close to it. Dean wanted to know how I felt about him. I told him I thought he was pretty much the devil. Dean was happy to hear that, I could also tell that he was sort of relieved to know that I knew about the yellow-eyed demon.

Dec 1, 2004

Well basically everyone has asked me about my black eye at work. I told them all that I fell and hit it on the corner of the table. Most of them believed me, but I heard some of them whispering that it was probably Dean. I didn't really care what they thought. Tracy wanted to know the truth, but I stuck to my story with her too. She was one of the people who thought Dean did it. I told her Dean would never hit me. If he had hit me I wouldn't still be with him. I know that I would have the strength to leave him if that ever happened. Eventually she finally believed me about hitting the end of a table. The swelling has gone down a lot, but the bruise has darkened a lot. Right now it looks a lot worse than it feels. My father still hasn't seen it. I'm hoping to avoid seeing him until my eye is almost completely healed. That might take about a week. So far, so good. I've been keeping myself busy with work. However, he has called a few times to check in.

Dec 4, 2004

Dean might be leaving soon to go on a hunt. He's been anxious to get back out there. He is trying to pressure me into going. I really do want to, but I don't know if I can miss work for that long. He says this case shouldn't take too long and it isn't that far away. I asked him why he needed me there then, if it wasn't going to take that long. He tried to be smooth and told me it was because he wouldn't be able to focus without me there because he would be missing me so much. I rolled me eyes at him. He then added that the work would get done faster if there were two people working rather than just one. I have to agree with him there.

I'm still thinking about it. What am I going to do if Dean isn't here? My nights are going to be boring. It is also going to be weird not cuddling with him while we sleep. I'm really going to miss him. In the past three months the longest we've been apart is maybe six hours because of my work. We've gotten so close to each other in the past few months that I can basically look at Dean and know what he's thinking. A part of me doesn't want to lose that bond I have with Dean and wants me to go with him. But another part of me knows that I should stay here and work to earn money. Although I do have quite a bit already saved up to cover costs for a while and I've already paid rent for the month. So I guess I don't really have an excuse other than I'm sort of scared to go because of what happened last time. I haven't told Dean this because I know he will tell me not to worry and that he is there to protect me. I have a couple more days to make a decision.

Dec 8, 2004

So I have made a decision and I decided to go with Dean on his latest hunt. I told my boss that there was a family emergency in Michigan and would need the next week or so off. He said it was fine and gave me the next week and a half off. Dean is pretty pumped about me going with him. He joked around and said not to sit on some funky chair again without thinking twice.

We are on the road, right now, on our way to Michigan. Dean has been driving the entire time and won't let me drive at all. He looks tired, but he insists that he drive everyday. So I guess that really was a fluke thing when he let me drive his car. I'm not a bad driver. I've had my license for three years now and have not been in one accident. I haven't even gotten a ticket. Granted the furthest I have driven is about one hour from my house but still. So I've been really bored so far. There isn't much scenery to look at. There are mainly dead cornfields. Randomly there will be a patch of snow. After a while I finally decided to ask Dean what this case is about. He said he wasn't quite sure, but people were dying in a strange way.

Apparently at one of the community colleges near Ann Arbor there have been several photography students being murdered. Each time they are found there is a photo of them as they're dying, but there doesn't seem to be anyone with them. In all the pictures the student looks scared. When the CSI team fingerprinted the dead bodies and the photos they found no match to any of them. All the victims were found in the campus's darkroom. The college has had to close the darkroom until the investigation is over. I asked Dean how this was going to be an easy case. He said it probably won't be, but we don't know until we get there.

We should be in Michigan soon. Dean looks so tired, but he will never let me drive this car again. I'm starting to think that it was all a dream. I think I'm going to take a nap.

Dec 12, 2004

So the case is actually a pretty easy one. We basically have it figured out. It is the spirit of Eric Black, a former photography student who died about a decade ago. Eric was found guilty for murdering twenty-five students at the school in 1978. He would ask a fellow classmate if they would like to be a subject for his final project and then he would rape and leave the body for dead. Then he would take their picture while they were dying. When they finally found Eric he admitted to killing the students, but didn't understand why what he did was so wrong. He said it was for art. Obviously the jury didn't see it as art and he was sentenced to life in prison. While he was in prison fellow inmates killed him because he was a "freak."

So that is the easy part of the case. The part that we still haven't figured out is why he is haunting the darkroom when he died in prison. Most of the time they haunt the place where they died. Also they cremated his body because no one wanted to bury him. So there is yet again no body to salt and burn. This seems to happen a lot with these cases. So what is he latching on to? Is there something in the darkroom that was a piece of Eric? Now that I'm thinking about it maybe there are photos of his there or his camera. Dean and I will have to check in on that first thing tomorrow.

Dec 14, 2004

We didn't find anything in the darkroom that belonged to Eric. However another person has been found dead. They were found last night in the art studio. This means that there might have been something in the darkroom that Eric was connected to, but it has been moved. Dean wants to go check it out tonight. Hopefully no one moves whatever is haunting this place to another room.

Dec 15, 2004

So we figured out what was the haunted object. It turns out it was his camera. The camera had been in the darkroom for quite a while until a student went into the darkroom to borrow the camera. They were taking some pictures for class. When they were done using it they put it back in the darkroom. Dean and I believe that by putting the camera back into use the ghost of Eric was some how woken up and came back. The reason why we missed it the first time was because another student borrowed the camera and left it in the art studio by mistake.

Once we realized this Dean and I took the camera. We smashed it to pieces and salted and burned them. We believe it worked, but we won't know until there are no more killings. Dean said we should stay for a few more days to be sure. We're going to stay three more days and if there are no more murders we're going to go back to my place.

Dean said he wants to stay for the holidays and then he wants to head back out to hunt. This hunt reminded him how much he missed it, but at the same time he doesn't want to leave me. He reminded me yet again that I am always welcome to join him. I asked him that if I were to join him would I get to drive the Impala at all. Dean looked uneasy and then said we'll have to see.

Dec 18, 2004

We're on our way home. That hunt was pretty easy. Yet again it felt good to help people. Even though another person died while we were there. However we saved many others who may have died in the future because of this guy. I'm glad I took a week off from work for this. I go back tomorrow.

Tracy will be happy to see me. She called everyday while I was away. It was nice at first, but then it started to get annoying. If I didn't pick up she would leave a voicemail and then call back an hour late to make sure I got the message. Dean jokes around and says that Tracy is in love with me. He thinks he should be worried because she might try to steal me away from him. I told him it's possible. I joked with him and told him that she has called me more times this week than he has the entire time we've been dating. He didn't find this joke very amusing. He became very quiet and just focused on the road. I told him I was just joking and appreciated that he didn't call me so much. I don't want a clingy boyfriend. I like that Dean plays hard to get sometimes.

Dean eventually got over it. He then asked me if I ever told my father about Sam punching me. I told him the truth. My father never asked me about it so I didn't tell him about it. Dean still doesn't understand why I'm "letting Sam off the hook." It is so hard to explain to anyone why I'm not mad at Sam for what he did. I can't really put it into words. Maybe it's because I know Sam well enough to know that he regrets his actions.

Dec 21, 2004

Just a few more days and it will be Christmas. My present for Dean is a private one. I decided that I want to save cash this Christmas and not buy such extravagant gifts like I gave last year. I also bought Dean a present that he can open in front of our fathers. For Christmas Sam decided to go to Jess's house. He still feels awkward about what happened. I told him that I forgave him, but Dean's still pretty upset about it. However, John is coming for the holiday. I have no idea what to get my father or John. I know John would tell me it's not necessary to get him anything, but I'm not one not to give presents for Christmas.

Dec 26, 2004

Christmas has come and gone. I officially know when Dean considers our anniversary. It is the same day as Christmas. We have been dating each other for one year. This is the longest relationship I have been in. At this point in my life I couldn't picture being with anyone else.

Christmas was pretty uneventful this year. It's nice to finally have a relaxing Christmas. The day started like any other. Dean and I arrived at my father's house around 3:00. John had spent the night there so he was already at the house. I helped my father prepare some food for dinner while Dean and John sat out in the living room. I decided to eavesdrop on their conversation. John was asking Dean about the hunt we just went on. He was glad to see that we were still together. John told Dean that he was proud of him for finally growing up and being in a steady relationship. He continued and told Dean that he picked the best woman of them all and not to mess it up. Dean told him that he knew all this and had no plans of messing up a good thing. This little conversation made me feel so good. Knowing that John approves of me means a lot.

At around 5:00 dinner was served. My father made ham, potatoes, corn, asparagus, and some dinner rolls. I helped with some of the food prep, but otherwise it was all my father. I was so full after dinner. I ate way too much. After dinner we all went to the living room to open presents. My gifts to people this year weren't all that great. I was only excited about my private gift to Dean. I bought my father a gift card to Starbucks because I know he likes their coffee. I bought John a gift certificate for a free oil change at Jiffy Lube. For my public gift for Dean I got him some oil for his car and a Metallica tape since his car doesn't have a CD player. Compared to last year these gifts seem thoughtless. My gifts from others were pretty much the same way. Dean didn't get me anything too spectacular. Dean and I hung out at my father's house until 9:30ish. I told Dean that I have more of his present at the apartment. Dean got the hint and said goodbye to our fathers as quickly as possible.

As soon as we got in the door Dean asked what the rest of his gift was. I told him to go into the bedroom and wait while I got it ready. He ran into the bedroom so quickly. He wanted his gift ASAP. I went into the bathroom to change into his present. A few weeks before Halloween I figured out what to get him. I was searching online for a costume when I was directed to a website with naughty costumes. I then decided that for Dean's private Christmas gift I would dress up as a naughty Ms. Claus. I ordered the costume a few weeks ago and tried it on. I felt so sexy in it. I had the costume in the bathroom closet behind all the towels. I also bought a pair of cherry red stilettos to go with the outfit and some fishnet stockings to be held up by a garter belt. The Ms. Claus outfit is so short my ass is basically hanging out and it's so tight I can't wear a bra or panties underneath. It took me about five minutes to get the outfit on right.

I gave myself one good long look in the mirror before I stepped out. I had to walk very slowly to the bedroom door because I'm not used to walking in stilettos. Luckily the door isn't that far from the bathroom. After I walked to the bedroom door I took a deep breath and opened it. Dean was lying down on the bed. He looked up and his jaw dropped. I then walked over to him and told him I heard he's been a naughty boy. He agreed and said that he needed a spanking. I wasn't too sure how I felt about giving Dean a spanking, but I was really starting to get into character. I now understand why role-playing is so popular in the bedroom. I don't think I really need to go into the details of what happened after the spanking. Let's just say I am very soar today. Dean was satisfied with his gifts. We slept until about noon today because we were up so late.

This has got to be the second best Christmas so far. The best so far was last year when Dean and I started our relationship.


	6. Year 2005 pt1

Jan 2, 2005

Can you believe it is 2005 already? Where does the time go? This year was a rather enjoyable one. Dean and I are still together and stronger than ever. I moved out on my own, and I am a shift manager at the coffee shop. The only bad thing about 2004 was that Annabelle moved back to England. I miss her and haven't talked to her in about a month. She still doesn't know about Sam punching me. My resolutions for this year are to keep my relationship with Dean strong and to go on more hunts with Dean.

Speaking of hunts and Dean, he is planning on leaving next week to go on a hunt. He doesn't know where he is going yet, but he will begin searching for one next week. This week is our last week for a while at my apartment. I told him that I might join him. He told me that I definitely should join him because otherwise I will miss him too much. This is very true, but I'm not sure if I could get the time off at work. Dean asked me why I didn't just quit my job at the coffee shop and join him permanently on the road. I couldn't come up with a good enough reason. He then asked me if I really wanted to become a hunter. I told him I did, but I was scared at the same time. I'm so inexperienced and I don't want to slow Dean down. Dean of course told me I had nothing to be scared of because he wouldn't let anything happen to me. He then continued and said that I didn't slow him down the other two times; if anything I helped him solve them faster. He said that I just need more practice to become more comfortable. He thinks that I could be an awesome hunter. I told him that I still felt inexperienced and didn't think I would do a good job manipulating authority figures like he does. He said I just needed to practice. At the end of the conversation I finally told him we'd see about my quitting my job to become a full time hunter. Dean wasn't completely satisfied with this answer, but he was happy enough with it.

If I do end up quitting my job I still won't be able to go with Dean right away because I would give a two weeks notice. I want to leave on good terms so incase this whole hunting thing doesn't work out I can use the coffee shop as a reference. I didn't tell Dean this part because I know he will try his hardest to convince me to just quit without a two weeks notice.

Tracy won't be very happy with me quitting, if I do. She seems to only be friends with me at work. Who will she talk to during her break or when the place isn't busy? I'll miss her too. It was nice having a girlfriend, but I'm not even sure if I'm leaving. Plus I wouldn't be leaving forever, just for a few weeks at a time. I still have eight months left on my lease for my apartment. I'm still thinking about it. It is very tempting to just quit and leave with Dean, but what will my father think? If anything were to happen to me my father would blame Dean.

In other news Dean and I just hung out at my place for New Year's Eve and watched Dick Clark's New Year's Special. After the countdown Dean and I had our own fun. Dean bought a game he wanted us to try. A few days before New Year's Dean went to the mall to waste time while I was working. He happened to find a game for couples to play. It's not a very difficult game to play. There are two dice, one has an action and the other has a body part. Dean was interested to see how this would play out. At first I wasn't really into the game, but after a few rounds I was starting to enjoy it. We played the game for a while, but soon we didn't need a dice to come up with things to do. I didn't have work on New Year's Day so I wasn't too concerned with what time I went to bed or what time I was going to wake up. I don't think we fell to sleep until about four in the morning.

When we woke up neither of us wanted to get out of bed. We stayed in bed for an extra two hours just talking. We finally got out of bed around two in the afternoon because we were both starving. I could hear both of our stomachs growling at the same time. We got up, went to the kitchen, and just ate food right out of the refrigerator. We didn't even bother heating anything up were that lazy. The rest of the day we mainly hung out at the apartment watching movies and just laying around. It was nice to just relax at my place for once. Overall it was a good New Year's. I hope 2005 is just as enjoyable as 2004 was, if not better.

Jan 7, 2005

So I officially gave my two weeks notice at the coffee shop yesterday. It is going to be weird not working there anymore. Dean is really excited, but doesn't understand why I gave a two weeks notice instead of just quitting. Part of it is because I want to say goodbye to my co-workers.

Tracy is upset about me leaving. I told her Dean wants to travel for a while. I told her I would be back in town occasionally because I still live here. I promised her I would stop by the coffee shop whenever I'm in town. She hasn't really talked to me since yesterday when I made the two weeks notice official.

Dean found a hunt to go on and is leaving tomorrow. It is going to be weird not coming home to him. My bed is going to feel cold and empty. He keeps telling me I can always come along with him and ditch on my last two weeks of work. As tempting as it sounds I'm going to be a good girl and stay. The apartment is going to be so quiet without him. Maybe I will invite Tracy over for dinner to show her that I still care about our friendship.

Jan 12, 2005

It is very weird without Dean here. I miss him so much. He's called almost everyday to tell me about the hunt. He says it is fairly easy. He should be done in less than a week. Sleeping at night is not the same without Dean. I've gotten used to curling up to him at night to keep warm.

Tracy is coming over tomorrow for dinner. I told her I would cook something for us. She told me she would bring the movie for us to watch. She wants to watch some classic 80's movies. I told her I had never seen "The Breakfast Club" and she nearly slapped me. Apparently it is a must see along with all other Molly Ringwald movies. It should be fun.

Jan 20, 2005

This past week has been a complete nightmare. Dean is basically killing himself now for leaving me alone. If it weren't for my father and John Winchester, Dean and I would probably be dead right now. I'm not over reacting or anything. Let me tell you what happened.

The day after my last entry Tracy came over for our girl's night. I made us some spaghetti for dinner. While I was eating I started feeling sleepy all of a sudden. Next thing I knew I woke up in my bed with Tracy putting a wash clothe on my forehead. I asked her what happened. She just told me that I passed out at the dinner table so she brought me to my bed where I would be more comfortable. I thanked her for being thoughtful. I then noticed that I was in my pajamas. I asked her if she changed me. She said she had because I got spaghetti all over my other clothes. I thought it was weird that she changed my clothes. I didn't think we were that close. I thanked her yet again. She asked me if I wanted any water. I told her that would be nice.

As she went to the kitchen I decided I wanted to look in the mirror to make sure I didn't have sauce on my face or in my hair. As I moved my left leg to get out of bed I heard the sound of chains. I then finally noticed that there was something on my ankle. I threw the covers off and saw that my left ankle had a cuff on it that had chains connected to it that were connected to the bed. It was then that I realized I was probably drugged and that Tracy was taking me hostage. I tried to find something around my bed that I could use to pick the lock, but couldn't find anything. Why was she taking me hostage? I asked Tracy what the chain was for. She told me that she didn't want me going away. She said it so calmly that it sounded like a normal thing to do. She told me that I was her best friend and didn't want me to go away. She said that now I can't leave her. I told her to think about what she is doing. She is holding her best friend captive. She didn't seem to care. She said that it would be fun and that she will feed me, so I shouldn't worry about starving. Then my cell phone went off. I just knew it was probably Dean calling to check in. Tracy saw who it was and pressed the ignore button. I told her that Dean would come here looking for me if I don't pick up my phone. She said she counted on him coming here. She was going to stop him from taking me away from her no matter what the cost. I knew what that meant. I had to stop her, but how?

I figured Tracy would have to fall asleep some time and when she did I was going to find a way to contact Dean. However Tracy isn't stupid. She knew that it wasn't safe to leave me alone. When she left the apartment to go to work she would drug me so I was asleep the entire time. When she went to sleep she tied my hands up to the bed and put a gag in my mouth. Every time she would come back she would apologize. This went on for a good four days. I would hear my cell going off, but Tracy wouldn't answer it. The calls started to become more frequent. It was probably Dean every time. At one point she had me answer the phone because it was my father. She didn't want my father concerned. She told me to keep the conversation brief and if I said anything about her I could say goodbye to daddy. One time she picked it up and told my father I was in the bathroom. She was clever.

I could tell Dean was getting worried by how often he would call. Tracy decided to listen to the messages to find out what Dean was up to. She played them on speakerphone so I could also hear them. The first one he just explained that he shouldn't be too much longer and that he missed me. The next few he just said I needed to learn to pick up my phone. After the first five he started sounding annoyed because I wasn't calling him back or answering my phone. He then started asking if I was mad at him. I swear it took about ten messages to get him worried about me. Finally, the last message he said he was on his way back and should be here in three hours. About an hour after listening to the messages Dean was back. Tracy was watching the front door for him. Once she saw him she tied my hands up and put the gag in my mouth. She told me to keep my mouth shut or else lover boy gets it. Then she left the room.

I didn't know what was happening outside of my bedroom. I knew that she had turned the lights off in the living room because I couldn't see any light under the door. Two minutes later I heard the front door open and Dean yell my name. I saw that he turned the lights on, but I didn't hear anything else besides him walking around. He called my name again; I wanted so badly to scream back, but I didn't want Dean dead. I then heard Dean's cell go off. He answered it. I was trying to make out whom he was talking to. It didn't take me long to figure out who it was. He was on the other line with my father. He was telling him I wasn't in the apartment. I could hear Dean getting closer to the door. I was wondering where Tracy was and when she was finally going to attack Dean. Dean was right outside the door; I could see his shadow. I then heard the doorknob turn. The door opened and there stood Dean still on his cell phone. He saw me tied up on the bed and started asking "What the hell?" when Tracy came up behind him and hit him over the head with a bat. Dean fell to the floor unconscious. I was so worried he was dead because he wasn't moving. I could hear my father through Dean's cell phone asking what was going on. I screamed as loud as I could with the gag in my mouth hoping my dad would hear me. Tracy then came over to me and knocked me out.

When I woke up Dean was tied up in the chair across from me. Tracy had hit him a few times while I was unconscious. He was awake, but had a gag in his mouth also. I read in his eyes that he was asking me if I was okay. I just nodded back to him. I then looked down at his hands and noticed he was trying to cut through his rope with his fingernails. His nails were starting to bleed and I could see in his face that he was trying to block out the pain. It looked like he had been trying for a while. The rope wasn't very thick; I would say it was about ¼ inch thick, if that. I decided I would try to get my hands free as well. I thought maybe if I broke my bed frame my hand would come free. Then I remembered that the left bedpost had a crack in it so if I worked on that side I might be able to break it. I knew I couldn't make too much noise or else Tracy would hear me. I decided to just start moving around on my bed. Any sudden movements and it might break. Dean kept working on his rope while I worked on getting myself free.

I had been working on the bed for about five minutes when I heard a loud crack and then the bedpost shifted. However the sound was loud enough for Tracy to hear it. She ran into the room asking what that noise was. I shook my head with confusion pretending I didn't know what she was talking about. She looked over at Dean who just stared at her. Soon after that she left and went back out to the living room. I heard the TV turn on. I twisted my hand this way and that until my hand finally came free. I untied my other hand and took off the gag.

As soon as I was free I went over to Dean and started untying him. I didn't get very far when Tracy came into the room and spotted me. She ran over to me and pulled me by my hair. She threw me on the bed and punched me in the stomach. It hurt so much; I could barely breathe. Dean stuck his foot out and tripped her. She fell flat on her face. I turned myself around so I could crawl to the other side of the bed, but she grabbed onto my ankle and pulled me back to her. As a reflex I kicked in the air and hit her square in the nose. This just made her angry. However I was able to get out of her reach. She started coming at me so I started to run away. I didn't get very far because I forgot I was still chained to the bed. Tracy grabbed the chain and started pulling on it. I lost my balance and fell to the ground, but she kept dragging me. I was finally right next to her. She started kicking me in the stomach asking me why I was acting up and that I brought this upon myself. She just kept kicking me all over. I didn't know what to do. I felt very vulnerable. I just curled up into a ball and tried to block out the pain.

I started to block out the pain when I noticed she had stopped kicking me and there were other voices in the room. I opened my eyes to see John Winchester taking down Tracy while my father untied Dean. As soon as my father was done untying Dean they both ran over to me to make sure I was okay. I told them I was fine and started to sit up when I felt a huge pain in my stomach. They both became very concerned and asked me what hurt. I told them and they told me it was probably a broken rib. They helped me get up. John had already called the cops.

About five minutes after my father and John got there the cops showed up to arrest Tracy and get our statements. The paramedics took a look at all my aches and pains. They told me I probably broke one or two ribs. They couldn't tell me for sure without taking me to the hospital. Dean offered to take me to get x-rays, but my father also wanted to take me. Dean didn't seem to be in too much pain from getting hit in the head with a bat. The paramedics wrapped up his fingers so his nails could heal.

All four of us ended up going to the hospital just so I could get x-rays. On the way my father wanted to know exactly what happened. I knew he wouldn't be too happy when I told him I quit my job. He said we would talk about that later. I continued and told him what happened. Dean added to the story here and there when I got to the parts about him. When we finally got to the hospital we had to wait for about two hours to get my x-rays taken. The hospital wasn't crowded or anything they were just really slow. After the x-rays were taken it took another hour for the doctor to come out and tell me what the verdict was. It turned out I fractured two ribs. There wasn't much the doctor could do besides give me some Vicodin. He gave me some Vicodin to last a few hours, but I would need to go get a prescription filled to keep at home. John drove us to Walgreen's so I could get the Vicodin. On the way my father and Dean passed out. I couldn't fall to sleep; I had too much on my mind.

We finally got back to my apartment t around midnight. When I walked into my apartment I realized how messy Tracy made it. I started picking things up ignoring the pain in my ribs. Dean asked me what I was doing. I told him this place was a mess and needed to be cleaned. He told me to leave it for the morning and that he'd do it. I just ignored him and continued picking things up. I just didn't want to think about what happened any more. He came over to me and started taking things out of my hand and placing them on the coffee table while telling me to stop. Picking up the mess wasn't helping me for very long. Dean noticed a tear that I was trying to hold back roll down my cheek. He hurried up and stood in front of me. He waited until I was standing up when he put his hands under my elbows so I couldn't clean up any more things. I looked away from him. I didn't want him to see me cry. He pushed my face gently with his hand so that I had to look at him. He wiped a tear with his finger and then embraced me. He said in my ear that he was sorry and that he should've known something was going on and should've protected me. He said he broke his promise of not letting me get hurt. I pushed him out of the embrace so I could look at him and told him none of this was his fault. He disagreed and told me that he should've known something was wrong when I hadn't called him back after the fifth time he called.

The look on Dean's face was one that I'd never seen before and didn't want to see again. He looked like he was about to cry. I had never seen Dean cry before. He said that he'd failed me as a boyfriend and then he started to tear up. He wouldn't look at me after he said that. I grabbed his face so he had to look at me. I told him that I loved him and to never say that again. Then I gave him a kiss. He didn't seem any better after that.

I broke off from his embrace and told him I was going to bed. He said to give him a few minutes. It was my turn to try to make him feel better. He sat down on the couch. I gave him a kiss on the forehead, brush his left cheek with my finger, and told him I loved him. He just stared at the floor and told me he loved me too.

I didn't fall to sleep until Dean came back which was about an hour later. The entire night I slept restlessly. I kept reliving the past several days in my head. I knew that if it weren't for Dean I probably wouldn't be free right now. I wouldn't have thought of breaking the bedpost and our fathers never would've come looking for us. Dean was also tossing and turning all night. I also couldn't get comfortable because of my ribs. Any way I turned hurt. I knew I needed to take another painkiller, but I didn't feel like getting out of bed.

Dean and I didn't do much the next day. He showed off his culinary skills by cooking us lunch and dinner. He also helped clean up my apartment because he said I shouldn't be bending with my fractured ribs. He was trying to make up for letting me get hurt, even though he did nothing wrong. It has now been two days since Dean and I got freed. My ribs feel a little better, but I have nasty bruises all over my stomach. I haven't really left the house and neither has Dean. He hasn't let me out of his sight for more than twenty minutes. Even when I'm taking a shower he checks in on me. It is sweet of him to care so much, but I hate to see him beat himself up over this. I've tried to make him feel less guilty, but nothing I say works. I even told him that if it weren't for him I would probably still be tied up. He doesn't seem to care. This really makes me wonder what he's going to be like if I get seriously hurt during a hunt. It is making me think twice about going with him, but he won't go on a hunt unless I'm with him. I don't want him to stop hunting because of me, but I also don't want him beating himself up every time I get hurt. I'll have to see if he gets better.

Jan 26, 2005

Dean has gotten a little better. He doesn't seem as mopey and has let me take a shower without interruptions. He said he's not going to leave for a hunt until I'm healthy enough to go with him. The doctor told me not to do any rigorous activities for the next six weeks. So Dean wants us to wait that long until we hunt. I told Dean that I should be fine in two weeks. I'm so tired of being stuck in the house all day. We went over to my dad's house once because he wanted to see how I was doing. I showed him the bruising on my stomach and he said it looked like it was healing properly. I told Dean we could go on a hunt next week if he wanted to. He told me absolutely not and that we can wait until I'm better.

Dean is now twenty-six. He doesn't want to be reminded of the age difference between us. I keep reminding him that I will be twenty soon enough. I feel bad because I didn't get anything for Dean. I haven't been out of his sight long enough to get him anything. He said he didn't care because he was just happy that I am alive and going to start hunting with him. I offered to make him a birthday dinner, but he refused. He has been cooking this whole time. Dean isn't really that great of a chef. He mainly makes the same thing every night. I keep pointing out different items to buy at the store, but he always turns them down.

It is nice of Dean to care so much about me. He is one loyal boyfriend. I couldn't have picked a better one. I really can't imagine my life with anyone else. I can see myself possibly marrying him some day, but we can't have kids. That's fine with me, I don't really like kids all that much and I could never really picture Dean as a father. I'm getting ahead of myself here. If Dean and I were to ever get married it wouldn't be for a while. We have only been together for a little over a year, and I'm only nineteen years old.

Feb 4, 2005

My ribs are feeling pretty good. I can turn my torso with only a little amount of pain. The bruising has almost gone away completely. Thank god, just in time for bikini season. Dean is starting to calm down a little more. He has let me cook some of my own meals and is a little less tense when we go to sleep.

Sam has finally returned my phone calls. I have been trying to get in contact with him since the Tracy fiasco. I wanted to ask him about the procedures of getting a restraining order against Tracy. However, he hadn't been returning my calls. I was starting to think that maybe he was mad at me for some odd reason. It turns out that his phone has been acting up lately and not telling him he has missed calls. He wanted to know all the details about what happened with Tracy. I gave him a play-by-play. He then made a comment about how I attract violent people. I told him about how Dean was beating himself up after and now watches me like a hawk. Sam then made another comment about how Dean spends a lot of time over at my place. I have never officially told Sam that Dean and I are a couple. I just figured Sam was smart enough to figure it out. I just agreed with Sam and didn't go into detail. If Sam wants to know I will tell him. I'm not going to lie to him; I have no reason to lie to him anymore. I asked Sam when he was going to be in town next. He said he wasn't sure if he was going to visit during Spring Break or not. I told him he should visit and get the grand tour of my apartment. He said that would be nice and that he'd think about it. I hope he does come to visit. I want to actually hang out with Sam this time. Last time he came here we all know what happened. I stayed clear of that topic the entire time we were talking. I believe I did a really good job of that.

Feb 15, 2005

You won't believe it; Dean and I actually did something for Valentine's Day. We didn't do anything too lovey-dovey, but Dean took me to see a movie and we went out for dinner. We went to our Thai restaurant. It was as good as I remembered. We hadn't been there in almost a year. It was nice to get out of the apartment for a while. Even though my ribs are basically 100% better Dean still doesn't want to leave yet on a hunt. I keep telling him that they don't hurt anymore, but he doesn't care. He said after my birthday we can go.

Feb 27, 2005

John gave me an early birthday present. I wasn't expecting to get anything from him. When he came over Dean was at the store getting some food for dinner. It wasn't a very large gift, but the story behind it makes it priceless. I opened it and found a charm bracelet. The charms on the bracelet are different protective symbols, such as, a pentagram and a cross. He told me that it used to belong to Mary and he wanted me to have it. I asked him why me. He said that he already considers me family. He would've given it to Sam or Dean, but he knows they will never wear it. He told me not to tell Sam or Dean that it was their mother's because it might raise too many questions. He said that if one of them asks where I got the bracelet to tell them it was from my father. I don't really understand why I can't tell Sam or Dean, but I told him his secret was safe with me. He then put the bracelet on my wrist. It was a bit large for my wrist, but I did the shake test and it didn't come off.

After he put the bracelet on me John took my hands into his. I was little confused by this, but then I saw the look on John's face. It was similar to the look on Dean's face after the Tracy drama went down. I thought John was going to cry. I didn't know what to do or say; I'm not really good at comforting people. I finally asked John what was wrong. He said that the bracelet reminds him a lot of Mary and he missed her so much. He then said he is so happy to see Dean and I are still together. He never thought Dean would find someone to settle down with. He couldn't picture anyone else making Dean as happy as I do. I thanked him. I was really flattered by this. He continued and told me he has never seen Dean look at anyone the way he looks at me. There were definitely tears forming in both our eyes at this point. He then finally said that we remind him a lot of how he and Mary were when they were together. He said he hopes we last a long time, if not forever. That was when Dean came back from the store.

John dropped my hands and took a deep breath before greeting his son. Dean looked at me and noticed the tears in my eyes and asked what was going on. He asked why I was crying. I told him I wasn't crying I just had something in my eye. Dean didn't buy it, but moved on. He asked John why he was visiting. John asked if he wasn't allowed to visit his son and girlfriend without a reason. Dean said no and asked him again what he wanted. I was confused as to why Dean was acting this way towards his father. He seemed annoyed or pissed off. John told him he was passing through and just wanted to say hi and see how things were going. Dean told him things were going fine. Dean started to become more civil with him, but there was tension there the entire time. It was mainly coming from Dean. I asked John if he wanted to stay for dinner, but he declined and said he already promised my father he would have dinner with him.

When John left I asked Dean why he was being so hostile towards his father. Dean didn't know what I was talking about. I told him that at times I felt uncomfortable. Dean said he was just worried that his father said something to upset me because I was crying when he walked in. I told him that I wasn't upset, but rather flattered by what John was saying. He asked what we were talking about before he interrupted. I told him that John was just talking about us, meaning Dean and I. Dean wanted to know what he was saying about us. I said his father was just happy to see us together still and that we remind him a lot of himself and Mary. Dean was surprised by this and asked if he really said that. I told him it was true and that was why we were teary-eyed. Dean was speechless and was starting to resemble his dad's earlier expression. I then asked him what he thought we were talking about. He said he wasn't sure, maybe that his father wanted us to break up. I laughed and told Dean that John would never tell us to do that when he is so happy for us. Dean said he knew that, but was just worried because he didn't want to see me cry. I went over to him, put my hands in his, told him I loved him, and then kissed him. He moved his hand to my hair and pulled me in for a longer kiss. He then pulled away, put his hand down to my cheek, and told me he loved me too. I love it when he says that because he doesn't say it that often so when he does I get very warm inside. I took his hand in mine and started walking towards the bedroom. He pulled his hand out from mine and said no very forcefully. I asked him why not. He said I was still too fragile and he could hurt me. I got really upset at him. I was tired of him saying that. It has been almost two months since my ribs were fractured.

I went into the bedroom and slammed the door behind me. I know that seems childish, but I had to get my point across to Dean. Dean knocked on the door and asked if he could come in. I told him to go away. I could feel the tears forming from my anger. I went and sat on the bed. Dean kept asking to come in. I kept responding with the same answer. I then brought my knees up to hug them and started crying with rage. Dean figured out that he could get in through the bathroom and came into the bedroom. He sat down next to me, put his arm around me, and apologized. He said he wasn't ready yet. He told me to remember when I went through my issues after Zack and how he supported me. He wants me to do the same with him. He asked me if I could do that for him. I didn't say anything, but stopped hugging my knees and hugged him instead. He kissed me on the forehead and said he took that as a yes. I dug my head into his chest and nodded. He thanked me and then pulled me tighter into him. We stayed like that for about twenty minutes. After we ended our embrace I asked Dean if he is always going to be like this when I get hurt. He said he would try not to be so bad next time.

Mar 5, 2005

I am no longer a teenager. My birthday was a pretty good one this year. Dean and I went over to my father's house for dinner on the night of my birthday. To our surprise Sam was also there. He decided to surprise me for my birthday by coming back for Spring Break. It was good to see him. As soon as I saw him I ran over and gave him a hug. He gave me a kiss on the cheek and said happy birthday. Dean wasn't too happy when Sam kissed me on the cheek because he still thinks that Sam has feelings for me. Once Dean saw Sam kiss me on the cheek he came over and put his arm around my waist. He greeted Sam and then pulled me over to the couch to sit down. Sam followed and sat down in the empty armchair next to me. He asked me how my ribs were feeling. Dean interrupted me before I could answer and asked Sam how he knew about my ribs. I explained to Dean that I called Sam and told him about the whole thing then I answered Sam and told him they were all better. Sam was pleased to hear that and asked where Tracy was now. I told him that she is still at the coffee shop so I steer clear of there.

I forgot that I hadn't told Sam that I quit my job at the coffee shop. He asked me why I quit there when I was making a good amount of money. Dean told him that I was going to start hunting with him. Sam wasn't very pleased with this answer and asked me why I wanted to go out and hunt. Dean got very defensive and told Sam that it was my choice to quit my job and join him; he never forced me to join him. Sam told Dean that he never thought that he forced me into it he just wanted to know why I wanted to hunt. I told him that I have known for years that I want to hunt, but haven't gotten up the courage to start. Sam just nodded, but I could tell that he still didn't quite understand. No one really understands besides Dean, but he doesn't even know all of it.

After this conversation it was time for dinner. My father made my favorite meal, spaghetti and meatballs. I absolutely love my father's homemade sauce. I told him that I want to know what his secret is, but he won't tell me because he needs something to make me still visit him. The dinner talk was pretty pleasant for the most part. Sam told me a little about college and how he is preparing for the LSATs. He is pretty nervous and is studying for it all the time. Dean kept trying to get Sam to slip about Thanksgiving and what happened at the apartment, but Sam knew better. I could tell that Dean was still not very happy with Sam and what happened. I had to keep nudging him and stepping on his foot under the table.

After dinner we all went out to the living room where I opened my gifts from people. Dean said he left my gift at the apartment so he would have to give it to me there. I had a feeling what that meant. Sam gave me a Visa gift card so I can get my own gift. Finally my father bought me another journal to write in. It is a really nice journal. It is leather bound and has pockets on the side so I can hold stuff in it. After a few rounds of Texas Hold 'Em we all went our separate ways for the night. I was excited about getting my gift from Dean.

When we got back to the apartment I asked Dean where my gift was. He said to give him some time to get it ready. I was about to go into the bedroom when Dean walked out the door to go outside. I was confused as to why he just left. I sat on the couch waiting for about ten minutes wondering what Dean was doing when he finally came back. He came over behind me, put his hands over my eyes, and started leading me outside. He said he didn't want me peeking. It felt like the longest walk from my apartment to the outside, but it probably only took about a minute. I was so curious about what Dean got me for my birthday and why it was outside.

When Dean finally took his hands off my eyes I couldn't believe what I was seeing. There in front of me was a '66 Shelby Mustang GT350 with a big red bow on top of it. I didn't know what to say or think; I could barely stand when I saw the thing it was a good thing Dean was right behind me to hold me up. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. After about a minute of aw I asked Dean if this was my gift. He told me it most certainly is mine. I asked him how he could afford something like this. He said that he found it at my father's place and he had been working on it for some time. That explains what he was doing all day while I was working. My father cut down some of the cost when he found out that it was for me.

I gave Dean a huge hug and a kiss. I told him I loved it and then asked for the keys. He said they were already in the car. I ran over to the driver's side, opened the door, and sat down in the seat. Just sitting in the car was amazing. I asked Dean if he was going to join me. He opened the door and sat down next to me. He flipped down the visor and the keys fell into my lap. I was shaking with excitement the entire time while I was putting the keys in the ignition. The sound that came out of the car when I started it is the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. I put the car in drive and pulled out. I didn't want to stop driving the car, but after an hour Dean finally asked me if we were ever going back to my apartment. We got back to the apartment and I thanked Dean once more for the car. I then asked him why he bought me a car when we were going to be on the road in his car for a while. He said he just had to give me the car because it was a classic and he knows how much I love his car. I still can't believe that Dean gave me a car. I don't know which birthday gift is better the promise ring or the car. Would it be bad to say it is the car? I want to drive on our hunts now. Screw the Impala; I want to drive my Mustang. Dean hasn't even said when we are going to be leaving for a hunt yet. I'm not even sure if he has found one. If we don't leave for one in a week I might just call John and ask him for a lead.

Mar 14, 2005

So we are headed off to the exciting state of Utah. Apparently in the past two months the suicide rate in some small town has more than doubled. The victims committing suicide have shown no signs of depression before they killed themselves. Dean of course is insisting that he drive the entire time. I don't even know why I bother offering to drive. That's okay I've got a lot on my mind right now that I need to think about.

This past week or so since my birthday strange things have been going on. I'm not exactly sure how to explain without sounding like a crazy person. First off the nightmares with old yellow eyes are back and stronger than ever. All he keeps telling me is that there is a war starting soon and he has chosen me to be his queen. I'm not really sure what that means. I tried calling John to find out if he understands it, but he hasn't gotten back to me yet. Dean keeps asking me about the nightmares because he is worried about me. I wake up screaming sometimes or in a cold sweat. I punched him really hard one time because I was flailing my arms around. He now has a nice bruise on his arm. There have been a few times when I have kicked him. I'm getting a little afraid to fall to sleep. On top of that I have been having these terrible headaches. They are sort of like the ones I was getting when I was pregnant.

These aren't even the weirdest parts. No one would believe me if I told him or her the weirdest part. I'm still not even sure if it is true myself. It started the other day when Dean and I were out for dinner. We went to this little pub in town to get a burger and a cold beer. I was in the middle of eating my burger when I had one of my headaches. It wasn't that bad of a headache so I tried to ignore the pain because I didn't want to cause a scene. I swear during the headache I heard one of Dean's thoughts. I heard him checking out some girl across the room. He thought something along the lines of "Nice ass." The reason I believe it was in his head was because I asked him to repeat himself. I don't care if Dean checks another girl out, but I don't want to hear what he is thinking. He told me that he didn't say anything. I could tell by his face that he was completely serious. I was confused and asked him if he didn't just say that the girl by the counter had a nice ass. He looked shocked because he could have sworn that he didn't say anything. I could tell by the look on his face that he was thinking that, but didn't say anything out loud. He told me that he didn't say it, but he was just thinking it. He was about to ask me if I could hear his thoughts when I told him I must have heard one of the guys sitting by us say it. Luckily there was a group of horny, frat guys sitting near us making a lot of noise. Dean didn't look too convinced, but didn't want to think that his girlfriend could hear his thoughts.

There have been other times when I swear I can hear what he is thinking. Last night I swear I heard one of his dreams. I'm starting to think I'm crazy. Normal people cannot hear others' thoughts. Unless maybe I'm not normal, maybe that yellow-eyed SOB did something to me or maybe I was chosen. I don't know. Whatever is going on I want answers and the only person who can give me answers is John Winchester. I could just be making stuff up, but something could be seriously wrong with me. I hope John gets back to me soon.

Mar 17, 2005

So I am convinced that I can hear people's thoughts. It happened again today. Dean and I were in the middle of interviewing one of the victim's friends when I heard what she was thinking. She was in the middle of her answer when I got a burst of pain in my head and I heard what she was thinking while she was talking. I could hear what she was going to say before she said it. It didn't last very long maybe like fifteen seconds, but it was still strange. After we got done interviewing her I tried calling John again, but he didn't pick up. I told him that he needed to call me back because it was urgent. The nightmares are still going on and haven't changed much. I'm really getting tired of this. I haven't had a good night's sleep since my birthday. What is happening to me? How long will these nightmares go on? I want them to stop, but I'm not sure how to make them stop.

Anyways, the case is sort of a confusing one. We're not sure what is causing these people to commit suicide. There have been about two a week in the past month or so. It isn't a spirit because when we investigated the scene of the suicides the EMF didn't go off at all. We have no clue how to figure out who is next because there is no pattern that we have found yet. Dean seems so much happier now that he is hunting. It has taken his mind off of me being hurt and he has focused more of his energy on the hunt.

Mar 19, 2005

John has finally gotten back to me. He was fascinated by what I told him. He said this is some new stuff. He is going to look into it and then get back to me. When I told him that I could read people's thoughts sometimes he asked for more details. I told him that I get a sudden headache and then I hear their thoughts. He wanted to know if I can turn it on and off. I told him the truth that it only happened when I had the headaches. He didn't really know what to say. He apologized for not having answers, but said that he would work on it so I can make sense of everything. Once he has some answers he is going to give me a call. He told me to just keep this to myself for right now. I don't know whom else I would tell besides my father. Dean would be too freaked out if I told him.

I think Dean is starting to suspect something because there was one time when I answered a question that he didn't ask out loud. I feel bad because I haven't been able to focus on the hunt because I'm worried about what is going on with me. Dean has been doing some research on some folklore. He thinks that it might be some sort of demon type thing that convinces people to commit suicide. I don't know I wasn't really listening when he was explaining it. My thoughts are on my new abilities and my nightmares. I'm still trying to figure out what yellow-eyes means when he says that I am his queen. Does that mean that I am destined to be with him? I don't know. I'm freaking out here.

Mar 22, 2005

I'm freaking out even more now. I have been locked in the bathroom for the past three hours because I don't want to be around anyone. Dean and I were at the diner down the street from our motel talking about the case when I got one of the biggest headaches ever. I had to shut my eyes and I fell out of my chair to the floor. Dean came over to me asking what was wrong, but I could barely hear him because the diner got about ten times louder. I was wondering why it got so much louder when I figured out that I could hear everyone's thoughts. I waited about thirty seconds for it to stop, but it wasn't stopping. The headache went away, but I continued to hear everyone's thoughts. It was so loud in there that I had to get out.

Dean was kneeled down next to me with the waitress asking if I was okay when I pushed both of them away from me and ran for the door. I was hoping that getting outside would be quieter, but I was so wrong. It was even louder outside. I continued to run down the street to our motel. Dean ran out with me, but couldn't catch up. I was running faster than I thought I could run. Some how I heard the engine of the Impala start over everyone's thoughts. I got to the motel about ten seconds before Dean. It was so much quieter in our room; I could finally hear myself think.

I ran straight for the bathroom, locked the door, and turned the faucet on. As soon as Dean got to our room he started banging on the bathroom door, but I wasn't sure what was his thoughts and what he was saying out loud. I huddled in the corner, put my hands over my ears, and shouted that it wouldn't stop. Dean asked me what wouldn't stop. He was so confused and worried about me. I didn't answer him because I wasn't sure how to answer him. He kept asking me what was wrong and begging me to open the door. I got super frustrated and screamed at him to go away. The part that really freaked me out was when I shouted at him to go away the mirror shattered. That really frightened Dean and he started pounding on the door even harder and asking if I was okay. I told him I was fine and that I just needed some time alone. I could hear that he was pissed off, but said fine and turned on the television. I could still hear what he was thinking over the television. He was not paying attention to what he was watching and was wondering what was wrong with me.

I pulled out my cell phone and called John. I wanted answers and I wanted them now. I was relieved when I couldn't hear his thoughts over the phone. He could tell that I was frantic because of my tone of voice. He asked me what was going on. I told him that I couldn't shut it off and it is so loud. I started crying from a mixture of frustration and fear. He wanted to know what triggered it. I wasn't sure I just told him about the headache and that ever since then it hasn't stopped. He told me that I just needed to calm down and try to focus on turning it off. I told him I tried focusing on turning it off and nothing has happened. He said I just needed to be calmer in order to turn it off. He asked me if there has been anything else. I had almost forgotten about the mirror when I saw one of the shards of glass by my foot. I told him that I shouted at Dean to go away and the mirror in the bathroom shattered on its own. John was speechless when I told him this. He said that he needed to go, but for me to just calm down and focus on shutting it off. I thanked him and hung up the phone.

I wasn't sure how to calm myself down. I could still hear what Dean was thinking. I finally realized that I was in the bathroom with a bathtub, but there wasn't really anything in the bathroom that could calm me down. I opened the door a smidge and asked Dean if he could run to the store and buy me some bath salts, scented candles, and a facemask. He was about to ask me what it was for, but he just said sure. I could tell that he was scared of me. Now I am waiting for him to get back from the store. It has been nice and quiet since he has been gone. Just him being away has calmed me down some, but I'm still very tense.

Mar 23, 2005

The bath helped me calm down and it shut off. John Winchester was right. I called him as soon as it went away to tell him the good news. He was very happy to hear that it went away. Dean was relieved to see me come out of the bathroom. I was in there for about five hours trying to get the voices to shut up.

Dean was lying on the bed with his eyes shut when I came out of the bathroom. They popped open as soon as he heard the door open. He shot out of the bed, ran over to me, and asked me what happened and if I was okay. I told him that I was fine for now and that I would tell him later what happened. He didn't like that answer and demanded that I tell him what was going on. I put my hand on his shoulder and told him later. He still wasn't happy with that answer, but he could tell that I didn't want to talk about it. He then asked me what broke in the bathroom. I told him it was the mirror. He wanted to know why I broke the mirror, but I didn't really have an answer for him. I told him I was tired and wanted to go to bed. As soon as my head hit the pillow I was out. I finally had a dreamless sleep. It felt so nice to sleep through the entire night. I didn't want to wake up this morning.

Dean woke me up around eight, but I rolled over and went back to sleep. Dean was nice and let me sleep for another hour. He then told me that I had to get up and pulled the covers off of the bed so I had to get out of bed. When I got up out of bed this weird rush of energy ran over me and I grabbed Dean and started kissing him. He pulled away and asked me where that came from. I told him that I seriously didn't know. Suddenly the rush came over me again and I pushed him onto the bed and got on top of him. I ripped off his shirt and starting kissing his neck and chest. I took his hands, pinned them above his head, and continued to kiss him all over. Dean was trying to object, but he was enjoying what I was doing to him too much. He tried to get his hands free, but he couldn't get them free. I was stronger than I thought I was or he wasn't trying as hard as he could have been. Dean finally got his hands free and pushed me up so that I couldn't do any more with my mouth. He told me that this was enjoyable and all, but we had a job to do. I snapped out of it and got off of him. I was a little embarrassed by my actions. I have never been that rough with Dean before. I blame my crazy hormones. Dean asked me again where that came from. Yet again I didn't really have an answer for him. He looked down at his shirt and commented on how it was his favorite. I knew he was joking so I threw a pillow at him. He turned around and asked what that was for. I told him he knew exactly why and then threw another pillow at him. He dodged this one and tackled me to the bed. He started tickling me. That started the tickle fight between the two of us.

After about a minute of tickling each other we both got out of breath. It was a pretty intense tickle fight. Dean laid down on the bed trying to catch his breath while I sat up right next to him. He pulled me by the back of my shirt so that I had to lay on the bed with him. I reminded him that we were supposed to be getting ready to work on the case. He said it wouldn't hurt anyone if we talked for a little while. I was a little annoyed because it was okay to hold off on the hunt to talk, but not to do anything else. I knew exactly what he wanted to talk about. I didn't need to read his thoughts to know. I tried to sit back up, but he kept pulling on my shirt again so I would stay next to him. He was sneaky and put his arm down so that I landed right on it. Then he wrapped his arm around me so I couldn't get up. I gave up and turned so that my head was lying on his chest and I started playing with his amulet. He started off by asking me if I love him. I pushed up on his chest so that I could look at his face and told him more than anything. He said good and pulled me in tighter. He then continued and asked me if I trust him. I put my head back on his chest and started playing with his amulet again. I told him yes. I had a feeling what the next question was going to be. Before he could ask it I told him that I wasn't ready to tell him about what happened last night until I know for sure what happened last night. He asked me what that meant. I told him that I'm still trying to make sense of what happened. He pulled me up so that I had to look at him and told me to explain what happened and maybe he can help me figure it out. I started shaking my head and told him I can't. He asked me why not. I told him I just couldn't. Then I tried to push his arm off of me so that I could get away from him because I could feel the tears coming. He wasn't going to let me go without a fight.

I had gotten his arm off of me and was going to the bathroom when he cut me off and wouldn't let me pass him. I started shouting at him to get out of the way. He then came at me with open arms with the intension to hug me. I began pushing him away telling him no, but he wouldn't listen. He eventually got through and got his arms around me. I gave up and started crying into his shoulder. He whispered into my ear that he loved me. This made me cry even harder. My knees went weak and I fell to the floor. I put my hands over my eyes and started saying how I didn't know what was wrong with me. Dean put his arm on my back and asked me what I meant by that. I told him I couldn't tell him. He said it might take some of the stress off of me if I told him what was up. I knew he was right, but I told John I wouldn't say anything to anyone until I knew what was going on. My own father doesn't even know what is going on. Dean started whispering please over and over again. I told him he is going to think that I am crazy and belong in a mental institution. He tried to lighten the mood by saying he already thought that. It did make me smile, but I told him that wasn't funny. He disagreed and said it was sort of funny. He pointed at me and commented on how it made me smile. Then he got serious again and asked me to please tell him. I decided that I would give him part of what is going on, but not the whole story.

I turned myself so that I was facing him. Dean got really excited because he realized that he won. I started off by telling him that he has probably noticed my nightmares at night and my random headaches during the day. He nodded and told me to continue. I told him that that isn't all that has been happening. There has been other stuff happening inside my head. He got very worried and asked me if it was serious. I told him this is the part that I needed him to have an open-mind. He assured me that he would not judge me and that he trusted me. I explained to him exactly what has been happening including what happened last night. When I finished telling him about it he sat there with his mouth hanging open. He couldn't think of anything to say. Finally after about three minutes of silence he asked me if I knew why this was happening. I told him that his father was investigating it as we spoke. He nodded and asked me if I could hear his thoughts right now. I told him that it was off right now. He asked me the same question John did about whether or not I could turn it off and on. I explained to him that I didn't want to have it on at all. Dean then caught me off guard and asked me where I got the charm bracelet that's on my wrist. I was still in truth mode and said that his father gave it to me. He was confused by this answer and asked me when he gave it to me. I told him it was about a month ago and asked him why it mattered. He said it didn't matter he just thought it was an interesting bracelet and wondered where I got it. He then thanked me for sharing everything with him and said it was time to get ready for the case.

As we were getting ready John gave me a call. He said he knows somebody who might have some answers, but needs me to come with him. I asked him where he was and how long it would be until he gets here. He said he was close and should be there in an hour. I told Dean the news and he told me that I should go with his father. I asked him if he was sure that he didn't need my help to finish up this case. He said he should be fine without me. I reminded him that he is not to tell his father what I told him. He said my secret is safe with him. We went out for some brunch during that hour. Dean kept asking me randomly if I could hear his thoughts. I was starting to get really annoyed with him.

About an hour later John showed up at our motel. Dean asked John where he was taking me, but John told Dean not to worry about it and that we should be back late tonight. John took my bags to the car while I said goodbye to Dean. I gave him a hug and a kiss goodbye and then hopped into John's truck. Dean shut the door for me and gave me another kiss goodbye. I told him I loved him and that I was going to miss him. Dean just said "Ditto" and poked my nose.

As we were pulling out John commented on how I wasn't supposed to tell Dean what was going on. I was shocked. How did John know that I had told Dean? I asked him that and he told me he could tell by the way Dean was acting. I apologized and John said I was forgiven. He said that he and Mary couldn't really keep secrets from each other either. I told him that his son could be very pushy for answers sometimes. He said that Dean wouldn't be bugging me so much if he didn't love me. I already knew that. I asked John where we were going exactly. He said he knew a psychic who lives in Kansas who helped him with answers about Mary's death. We are on our way to her place right now. I hope this woman will be able to help explain what is going on with me. I really appreciate John helping me out. He is really a great guy, besides him being such a hard ass on Sam.

Mar 24, 2005

The psychic was very helpful. She couldn't explain exactly what was going on with me, but she gave me a theory. She was a pretty cool psychic, pretty normal. Her name was Missouri and was a short black woman. She had some spunk to her. I really liked her, she made me laugh. She can also read thoughts and can feel energies in places. She asked me to explain to her what has been going on and when it started. I told her everything. The most important information to her was that it all started after my birthday. She thinks that I may have had this ability my entire life, but it has been dormant until I turned twenty. She told me that certain people, like herself, are born with a sixth sense, but it takes time some times before the sense matures completely. I wasn't sure if that was exactly true in my case. She knew that I didn't really believe her theory and then asked me about the nightmares. I told her they are the same every time and at the end the yellow-eyed demon tells me that I am his queen. I asked her if she knew what that meant. She didn't really know what to make of that.

Soon after this she asked me if I could try some stuff for her. She wanted me to try to listen to her thoughts. I told her that I didn't know how to turn it on by myself. She didn't care. She wanted me to focus on hearing just her thoughts. I was frustrated because I knew that I couldn't do it on my own. She told me to take a deep breath, close my eyes, and just focus. I rolled my eyes, but gave it a try. The first time it didn't work, but she told me that I wasn't truly focusing on her thoughts. I gave it another shot, but it still didn't work. After about ten minutes of trying to hear her thoughts I finally got it to work, but not without a nasty headache. She told me to hold onto her thoughts and not let go. I tried to hold on, but the headache wasn't going away so I had to let go. She had me work on this several times until I could turn it on pretty quickly. She explained that this was how she learned to hear people's thoughts when she found out she was blessed with the gift. In one of her thoughts she told me to try to listen to John's thoughts too. I got into his mind, but there was so much going on inside his head that it was hard to make sense of it all. He was thinking about possible theories of what is going on with me, but he was thinking of about ten different theories at once.

I was so excited when I figured out how to control listening to other's thoughts. Missouri said it should take some of the stress off and might get rid of the headaches. However she wasn't sure how to get rid of the nightmares. That was fine with me because I didn't have any the night before. I was about to ask her about shattering the mirror when she started answering it for me. It was sort of annoying; I will not be like that when listening to other's thoughts. She told me that when I got frustrated so much energy radiated off of me that it shattered the mirror. She explained that that is how telekinesis works. Before I could ask her if I was telekinetic she answered that I might be. She told me not to underestimate what I can do. I didn't quite understand what that meant, but I sort of got it. Basically she was telling me that anything is possible. She had me practice turning it on and off one last time before John and I left. John didn't say much the entire time that we were there.

When we got to the truck I asked John why he didn't say much in there. He said he was just worried about me and what I can do. He admitted that he thinks the yellow-eyed demon is behind all of this. I already figured that part out. He said that if this was happening to me, then what was happening to Sam. I hadn't really thought of that part. I wonder if Sam is going through the same thing I am going through. I doubt that the yellow-eyed demon is calling him his queen though; it would be sort of funny if he were. What if Sam can read thoughts also? Maybe he really does know about Dean and I being together. I don't know how I would ask him if he could do something like that. It isn't exactly a normal conversation.

John and I got back to the motel Dean was staying at around midnight. Dean was still up waiting for us to return so he could find out what happened. I told John he could stay the night in our room, but he insisted on getting his own room for the night. Dean said it was a good thing because John snores like a truck. John got himself a room and went straight to bed. Dean asked me where we went and what happened. I told him we went to a psychic in Kansas who helped me learn to control listening to other's thoughts. He asked me if that meant I could listen to his thoughts whenever I wanted to. I told him I could, but I don't plan on listening because I already know what he is thinking most of the time. He asked me if this meant no more headaches and nightmares. I told him the headaches were probably gone, but I won't know about the nightmares until after we go to sleep. He said that we should go to sleep then. I wasn't really tired enough to go to sleep yet. I told him that and he said we could do something that could tire both of us out. He put his arms around my waist and pulled me into him. He said he was finally ready and wanted me more than anything. I asked him what he wanted me to do. He smirked and asked me if I could get back into that mood I was in earlier that day. I told him I could see what I could do. I pulled him in for a long, hard kiss and then pushed him onto the bed again. I got on top of him and asked him how I was doing so far. He told me he was so turned on that he didn't know how much longer he could hold it.

I was about to rip his shirt again, but he stopped me in time. He said he didn't want to have to buy another new shirt. I told him not to ruin the moment and ripped his shirt off anyways. I started kissing him everywhere, but his lips. I teased him a bit by getting close to his lips, but not kissing them. One of the times when I got close to his lips he grabbed my head and pulled me in for the kiss. I could feel Dean growing harder and harder. Dean couldn't take it anymore. He grabbed my wrists and pulled me off of him so that he could be on top of me now. He wanted to tease me for a while. Dean knows just the spots that get me to go crazy. He wanted payback for me ripping his shirt so he ripped mine off. He didn't tease me too long and went right in for the kiss. While we were kissing I wrapped my legs around his waist and pulled him in tight to me. I could feel him through his pants. He really was ready to get back into things. It didn't take too much longer after this for us to get all our clothes off and work up a sweat. I just hope John didn't hear us next door. When we were finished I curled up into Dean, rested my head on his chest, and played with his amulet again. I asked him if he had finished the case. He said it was a piece of cake. I told him that was good and then we fell asleep.

I was sleeping all right until I got one of my nightmares. This one was a little different from the others. It started like the others with him telling me I'm his queen, but then he congratulated me on learning how to use my ability. He told me that I could do much more than just read people's minds. He continued and said that with a little practice I could change those people's thoughts and make them do whatever I want. I was telling him to go screw himself when Dean starting shaking me to wake up. Apparently I was kicking, punching, and shouting, "Screw you," in my sleep. I had hit Dean square in the nose during my fit and it was bleeding. Dean didn't really care and asked me what happened in my dream. I tried to avoid the topic by commenting on Dean's nose. I told him that he needed to take care of that before it got worse. He said it was fine and told me to answer the question. I couldn't think of a lie to tell him, so I decided I would tell him the truth, but kept yellow-eyes out of it. I told him that there was this man in my dream who congratulated me on learning how to read people's thoughts and that the next step is learning how to control their thoughts. Dean asked if I meant like the Jedi mind trick. I hadn't really thought of it that way, but it is sort of similar. Dean told me that I should just stop using the ability altogether. I told him that I didn't plan on using it anyways unless I really needed to. He said I just shouldn't use it no matter what. I promised him that I wouldn't read people's minds anymore. He was happy with that answer and was about to give me a kiss to seal the deal, but I stopped him in time. I didn't want him kissing me when his nose was all bloody. He said fine and we started walking to the bathroom. He then turned around suddenly and gave me a kiss before I could stop him. I hit him over the head and asked him, "What the hell?" He just smiled and continued walking to the bathroom.

When we got to the bathroom and turned on the light I noticed that Dean had several bruises on his body. There were two on his right arm, one right above his rib cage, and several on his legs. At first I thought that he got them from hunting whatever it was that was haunting this town, but the bruises were at different levels in the healing process. I figured out pretty quickly that I was the cause for all these bruises. I asked him if I caused all of them. He paused before he spoke and then told me that it wasn't from me. I could tell that he was lying. I can't believe that I have been beating him in my sleep all this time. I told him to tell me the truth. After another long pause he admitted that I was the cause, but that it wasn't my fault. How was it not my fault? I was the reason he was in pain. I started apologizing non-stop. I was starting to get teary-eyed, but Dean stopped me. He told me not to cry because I've been crying too much lately. He was right. I have been crying a lot more than usual. I told him it was hard not to when I just found out that I have been abusing my boyfriend. He told me once again not to blame myself because I had no control over my actions while I was asleep. I asked him if they hurt. I could tell he was just trying to make me feel better by telling me that he didn't even notice them.

After about five minutes of pinching his nose the bleeding stopped. He put his arm around me and led me back to bed. He said it was time to go back to sleep. When we got back into the bed I tried to stay as far away from Dean as possible, but he wasn't going to let that happen. He eventually spooned me and wrapped his arms so tight around me that I couldn't get away from him. I gave up and let him make his own decision.

John started knocking on our door around 8:30am so we could get on the road. I was pleased that I didn't have another nightmare the rest of the night. Dean and I didn't want to get out of bed to answer the door. I was about to get up to answer it when Dean told me to just ignore it and his father should just leave, but John wasn't going to leave. When I got out to answer the door I realized that it probably shouldn't be me because I just had underwear on. Dean threw me his shirt to put on. Once I answered the door John pushed me out of the way while saying good morning. He said it was time to get going. There was a possible hunt in California and he wanted all of us to go as a team. Dean stretched out on the bed while letting out a huge yawn and then asked if we had to get going now. John said he would give us a half hour to get ready, but then we were hitting the road. He left to get some coffee while Dean and I got ready. We took a shower and then packed our bags. Exactly a half hour after he left John was back.

I loaded our stuff into the Impala while John and Dean talked about the case. We were on the road by 9:30. I asked Dean what was in California and he said in an irritated voice that Sam was in California. I didn't understand what that meant. I asked him if we were going to visit Sam. I didn't think that was a good idea since Sam and John don't really talk to each other. He said that every once in a while John likes to swing by Stanford to check on Sam to make sure he was safe. He explained that Sam never knows that they check on him. I told him that if he wanted me to I could go talk to Sam. He didn't think that was such a good idea because it would be hard for me to explain why I was there. I don't think it would be too difficult. I could just tell him that Dean and I were on a hunt in the area and I decided to surprise him. Either way I'm excited about going to California. I've never been there before and I've heard that it is beautiful. Maybe John will let us take a day off and go to the beach. This will be my first time seeing the ocean in person.


	7. Year 2005 pt2

Mar 28, 2005

California is gorgeous. I don't know why Dean seems so opposed to being here. The whole car ride he complained about having to come back. Right down the street from our motel is the beach. As soon as I saw the ocean I made Dean open the windows so I could feel the ocean breeze on my face. Dean has been a real drag during this whole time we've been here. I tried to get him to pull over so I could put my feet in the ocean for the first time, but he told me that we had to keep moving. I don't understand why we were in such a rush to get here if all we are doing is checking on Sam. John decided that we were all going to stay in a motel about an hour from Stanford so that Sam can't spot us easily. I don't understand why Dean and I had to come with when John told us he was going to go into town by himself. I'm thinking that he just wants us here for moral support. I really want to go see Sam, but Dean won't let me out of his sight.

Dean is being really lazy and just wants to lie around the motel room all day. I finally had to take the initiative yesterday and tell him that I was going to the beach with or without him. He complained that he didn't have a suit. I told him I planned on stopping at a shop along the way to buy myself a suit. His eyes opened to that and he asked me if I needed help finding the proper bikini. I told him I could use another person's opinion. He got dressed and ready to go so quickly.

I wasn't sure what type of bikini would work for my body because I've never worn one before. I had a very deprived childhood. My father didn't really take me anywhere that I would need to wear a bikini. Luckily the woman at the store was helpful. She picked out a few that she thought would fit me perfectly. I felt a little uncomfortable modeling my bikinis for everyone in the store. It seemed like every time I came out with a different bikini on there were more people crowded around my changing room giving me opinions. Dean wasn't much help because he liked every bikini that I tried on. The sales woman gave me the best critique. After about twenty minutes of trying on bathing suits I had finally picked the one that best suits me. I'm not really sure how to explain it other than it is green and looks like a bikini. Dean just picked out a pair of swim trunks off the rack and didn't even try them on. We also bought some sunscreen, a hat for me, flip-flops, and towels.

I was so excited when we finally got to the beach. I could smell the salt from the ocean in the air. The breeze felt so amazing. It was so beautiful and the men on the beach didn't make it look all that bad either. Dean went to the bathroom to change into his swim trunks while I found a spot for us to put our stuff. When Dean walked out of the bathroom in his swim trunks I swear every girl stopped what she was doing and started staring at him. I couldn't help but stare myself. He was unbelievably hot in his suit. The way the sun glistened off his muscles made him look like a model. I didn't realize how incredibly white I was until I took off my shirt. I felt like Casper when I saw how white my skin was compared to all the other beach bodies. Dean even has a better tan going than I do.

As Dean was walking over to me some chick in a skimpy bikini came up to him and suggested something sexual to him because Dean's eyebrows rose so high. However Dean pointed at me and said something back to her that made her turn around the other way. She gave me the nastiest look I've ever been given before. As soon as Dean was in earshot of me I asked him if he would help me put sunscreen on. He liked the sound of that idea. I told him I could put it on my arms, legs, and stomach, but I would need his help putting it on my back and shoulders. He told me not to worry because he was here to help. After he put sunscreen on me I put some on him. I didn't understand what was so hot about putting sunscreen on someone before yesterday.

When we were finally done putting on sunscreen Dean asked me what I wanted to do. I wasn't sure what my options were, so I just ran for the water so I could put my feet in the ocean for the first time. As I approached the water I stopped right before my feet touched. Dean was right behind me and asked me why I stopped. I told him that I wanted us to go in together. He told me that he had already been in the ocean before so it wasn't a big deal to him. I didn't care. I just wanted us to touch the water at the same time. I told him that on the count of three we would walk into the water together. When I got to three we both took a step into the water. The water was a lot colder than I thought it would be. I stopped pretty quickly because of how cold it was, but Dean continued to go deeper into the water. Once he figured out I stopped he turned around and told me to keep going. I refused because it was so cold. Dean wasn't going to take no for an answer so he threw me over his shoulder and walked about ten feet into the ocean and threw me in the water. After that we started having some fun in the water. We were splashing and wrestling each other.

After an hour of playing in the water we decided to get out for a while and just relax on the beach. I asked Dean what exactly his father does when he checks up on Sam. He said that he usually drives around the block a few times and then parks down the street for a few hours to watch his house. I told him that sounds sort of stalkerish. Dean agreed, but said that it shows that John still cares about Sam even if Sam thinks that he doesn't. I could tell Dean didn't really like talking about the relationship between Sam and John. Dean feels that a son should be loyal to their family and he thinks that Sam turned his back on them when he moved to college. I wasn't going to start an argument so I kept my opinion to myself. I just nodded along to what Dean was saying.

We stayed at the beach until about three in the afternoon. When we got back to the motel room I noticed how much tanner I got. I now have some major tan lines from where my bikini was. I took a shower as soon as we got back to wash the salt water out of my hair and then Dean and I took a nap. John came back to the motel around seven and we all went out for dinner. Since yesterday Dean and I have just been lying around the motel room because Dean doesn't want to do anything again. He says he is really tired and just wants to sleep. I don't feel like staying in the motel room anymore, but Dean won't let me leave without him. I told him I just wanted to take a walk, but he wouldn't even let me do that. I'm sort of getting sick of how protective he is being lately.

I haven't had any nightmares since the last one I wrote about. I'm not really sure why they stopped, but I'm happy they did. I have been sleeping a lot better and so has Dean.

Apr 4, 2005

We have left California and are back at my apartment. Dean decided we should stop there to make sure everything is still there and to pay the rent. I wasn't completely opposed to it because I wanted to sleep in my own bed for a few nights. I didn't realize how much I missed my bed until we got back. The nightmares still haven't come back, but I'm just waiting for them to start up again. Dean said we would take about a week off and then go back to hunting. I don't really know why we need a week off when the trip to California was basically like a vacation.

Apr 8, 2005

So the nightmares aren't back, but I'm having this weird dream. I wouldn't say they are nightmares. I'm not really sure how I would explain what it is. At first I really enjoyed the dream, but after having it over and over again I'm starting to get tired of it.

It starts off with Dean and I going out for dinner to our Thai restaurant. Throughout the dinner Dean looks really nervous and keeps avoiding eye contact with me. After the dinner he takes me out to the place where we went on the paddleboats. Basically it is a recreation of our first unofficial date together. He has us get into one of the paddleboats and we make our way to the middle of the lake.

When we get to the middle of the lake he has us stop paddling and starts talking about the very first time that he saw me. He says that he noticed me at my father's house before we were officially introduced and felt an instant attraction. He felt like a pedophile when he found out from my father that I was only fourteen at the time. When we were officially introduced at Thanksgiving he tried his hardest to impress me, but nothing seemed to work. I interrupt him and explain to him that I thought he was a nut job because he was talking about fictional creatures. He thought that I had known all about the supernatural world, but he was wrong. He continues with his speech and says that when he saw that Sam and I were together he thought that his chance with me was over. Sam is sensitive, sweet, and a gentleman, everything a girl wants in a guy. Once he found out that I broke it off with Sam he thought he might have a chance with me, but then I started dating Nate. He felt threatened by Nate because Nate could offer me safety while he would get me in trouble. Even after Nate and I broke up and we had sex he still wasn't sure if I liked him the same way he liked me. Once Christmas rolled around and I started asking him what we were he had to convince himself that I had feelings for him. I then ask him where he is going with this.

He turns towards me, takes my hand in his, and starts giving another speech. In this speech he explains to me that he has never loved someone like he loves me and would do anything for me. This whole time I am flattered by what he is saying, but also confused as to why he is saying all this stuff. He then struggles to get onto one knee, at this point I figure out what he is doing. He finally gets down on one knee and then takes my hand in his again. I start freaking out because I know what the next words out of his mouth are going to be. Without any hesitation he puts his hand in his pocket, takes out a small jewelry box, and asks me the question I have been waiting for. As soon as the words are out of his mouth I tell him yes and take the box out of his hand.

That is where the dream ends. I never get to see the ring that he uses, but I have a feeling that it is probably gorgeous. I know that this is only a dream, but it feels so real. It is also strange that I have been having the same dream for the past three nights. I really doubt that Dean is planning on asking me to marry him, but at the same time the dream is so real. I can feel the wind in my hair, taste the food at the Thai restaurant, and smell the aroma of the food.

I've tried to observe Dean to see if he seems nervous around me, but he seems pretty normal to me. I even made comments to him about several celebrities getting engaged to see if just mentioning the idea to him makes him shifty. So far nothing gives me any sort of hint that the dream is real. Why would I even have dreams about the future? Is that another one of my abilities? If so then what else can I do?

Apr 14, 2005

I'm starting to think that my dream is going to come true. There have been several clues throughout the week. The first one was several days ago when Dean snuck out of the house to get something. I had no clue that he had left; honestly I didn't really care. What set me off was how he acted when I asked him where he went. He told me not to worry about it and then changed the subject by asking me what was for dinner.

Then a few days later I was going around the apartment picking up dirty clothes to put in the laundry when little did I know I picked up one of Dean's jackets. I was in the middle of putting clothes in the washing machine when Dean came running down the stairs asking me where his jacket was. I told him I was about to clean it because it was dirty. I found it in the basket and he snatched it out of my hand. He told me to ask him the next time I was going to clean his clothes. I got a little aggravated by this because I'm always cleaning his clothes and he has never offered to clean mine. I snapped at him and told him he can clean his own clothes from now on. Then I took his clothes out of the basket and washer and threw them at him. He picked them up off the floor, started walking up the stairs and yelled, "Fine." When I went back upstairs he was wearing the jacket and he hasn't really taken it off since. Not to mention he has been very edgy lately.

It's not like it would be a bad thing if my dream came true, but it just scares me if it does. I will of course say yes, but I'm going to be able to talk in unison with Dean as he gives his speech. I know exactly what he is going to say because I have seen the dream so many times. I just never thought it would happen this soon. We have only been together for a little under a year and a half. Granted we have been living together since August. I honestly didn't think Dean would want to get married. I didn't think he believed in it. I'm getting ahead of myself these signs might just be in my head. He could have just gone somewhere that he is embarrassed about going and maybe he didn't want his jacket washed.

Apr 16, 2005

Dean just asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner tomorrow night! I think he is going to ask me tomorrow! I'm getting anxious. What if he really does ask me? I don't think it is going to happen like in my dream because I will be just as nervous as him the entire night. I just want to get this over with. Yet again I could be wrong, he could just want to go out for dinner. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do. I just don't want to get my hopes up and have it just be a normal dinner. I think I'm going to try to pick out a nice outfit to wear, something memorable. I'm going crazy here. I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep tonight because I'm going to be wondering the entire time if Dean is going to ask me to marry him tomorrow or not. I hope he is, but at the same time if it goes down exactly like in my dream I'm going to freak out.

Apr 17, 2005

OH MY GOD!!!! Everything happened like how I saw it in my dream. Dean took us to the Thai restaurant and couldn't make eye contact with me the entire time. Then we went to the paddleboat place and paddled to the middle of the lake where he gave his speech about having feelings for me. As he was going through his speech I kept telling myself to breathe. I had to use my amazing acting skills to pretend I had no clue where he was going with this. Hearing the speech come out of his mouth for real was even more amazing than in the dream. Once he got on one knee I started hyperventilating. I yelled, "Yes," before he even asked the question. He told me to chill out and let him ask me first. Since I had gotten ahead of him he decided to mess with me and asked me if I would let him borrow my car. I slapped him over the head and told him to be serious. He got back up on the seat and asked me the question I was waiting for. I decided to be mean to him and said I would think about it. He just rolled his eyes and said in a mocking voice to be serious. I then did the stupidest thing I could have possibly done on a paddleboat and straddled Dean on his seat to give him a kiss and tell him yes. I didn't really think about what I was doing and before I could say yes the paddleboat flipped over. So things didn't happen exactly like they did in my dream.

When we both got back above the water Dean told me nice going and then we both swam to shore while pulling the paddleboat with us. The guy who runs the place asked us if we were okay and helped us out of the water. I told him I was amazing because my boyfriend just asked me to marry him. He congratulated us while getting some towels from his shed. He asked to see the ring, but I realized that I still hadn't seen it myself. This part really was a surprise to me because I never got to see it in my dream. I turned towards Dean and told him to get the ring out. He said that I never technically accepted. I put my hand out and command he give me the ring. He put his hand in his pocket and gave a look on confusion. He started really searching his pocket. My jaw dropped and I asked him if he lost it in the lake. I started freaking out, but then Dean said he was just joking and pulled it out of his pocket. I smiled and told Dean that he wasn't funny. He agreed and said that he was adorable. Then he opened the box to show me the ring. It wasn't very big, but that was okay with me. The ring is very simple and sort of matches my promise ring. It has a white gold band with a princess cut diamond. Dean took it out of the box and put it on my finger. I just couldn't help but stare at it for a little while. I told Dean it was beautiful and then gave him a kiss. What I would like to know is where did Dean get the money to pay for this ring? I can't ask him that without him getting offended.

I can't believe that I'm engaged. I haven't told anyone yet because I'm still trying to believe it myself. I'm also trying to get over the fact that I had a premonition about it for the past week or so.

Dean and I went back to my apartment to have our own celebration of me accepting his proposal. Today is one of the best days of my life, but also one of the most confusing. Does this mean that I can see future events? So now I can read people's minds and predict the future. What's next, spoon bending?

Apr 21, 2005

I went to see my father to tell him the good news. He was very happy for us and apologized for his behavior when he first found out about Dean and I. He just didn't want to see me get hurt by another Winchester. I told him he was forgiven. He asked me what the plans were for the wedding, but I didn't really know what they were. Dean and I never discussed when we were going to get married and what type of ceremony we wanted. I'm thinking that the least religious the better because Dean doesn't really believe in God and I'm not sure if I believe. It will probably be a small wedding because neither one of us is a big fan of crowds. I want a simple wedding, nothing too extravagant. I can't believe I'm actually thinking about this right now. I'm only twenty years old.

When I got back from my father's I asked Dean what the plans were for the wedding. He told me he didn't care because it was all up to me. He said that he trusts me and knows that whatever I plan he will love. I asked him when he wanted to get married, but he told me again that it was entirely up to me. I don't like having all this pressure on me. I can be a very indecisive person sometimes. I told him to give me sometime to think about it and I would let him know what I want to do.

Dean also called his father with the news about us getting married. John was happy for us also, but then asked to talk to me. Dean and I were both confused as to why he wanted to talk to me. As soon as I picked up the phone John told me to go somewhere so we could talk in private. I took the phone to the bedroom and locked the door behind me. He asked me if I had any more nightmares. I told him they had stopped, but that I had dreams of Dean proposing to me weeks before he actually did it. I saw exactly how he was going to do it and what he was going to say. He asked me if I meant like a premonition. I told him that's exactly what it was. He told me that I must be moving onto my next ability since I learned how to use my first one. I was totally confused by this and asked him what he meant by that. He said that he did some more research and it seems that my abilities are endless. Once I figure out how to use one the next one surfaces. I told him that I didn't want to even have these abilities. He knew that, but said it was too bad and that he was sorry. He could tell that I was stressing over of this news and changed the subject to the wedding. He asked me if we had an idea for the ceremony. I told him that it should be something that is non-religious and simple. He said he could always get his buddy Pastor Jim to do the ceremony because he has known Dean since he was young. I told him that would be great and to ask him if he would. He said he would talk to him and give me a call back with the answer. He then said he had to go and to not fret too much about the abilities thing. How am I not supposed to worry about it?

The next person I tried to call with the news was Annabelle, but she didn't pick up her phone. I left a message for her to get back to me because I have some very important news for her. I'm thinking she could be my maid of honor if she is able to fly out here. I hope she will say yes. She hasn't gotten back to me yet, but I just called her yesterday.

Apr 24, 2005

Annabelle finally got back to me. I think she was more excited about the news than I was. She said that she would definitely be my maid of honor. She wanted to make a trip back to the states soon anyways.

Dean and I still haven't set a date, but I'm thinking that a summer wedding might be nice. Maybe have the wedding at the park with the lake that has the paddleboats. That could be nice. I don't think there will be that many people there because Dean and I don't really know that many people. So far the guest list is Dean, Annabelle, John, my father, and me. I'm not really sure how to tell Sam that we are getting married. I know that he has to be there because it is his brother's wedding. He would be very upset with both Dean and myself if we never told him that we got married. Knowing Sam he would probably stop talking to me. It is just going to be hard to bring it up to him because I've never told Sam that Dean and I were dating. I just need to pick up the phone and tell him. I just need to tell him I have some news for him and then just say it.

Apr 29, 2005

I told Sam about Dean and I. I called him up the other day. It took me some time to get to the news though. I freaked out and asked Sam how things were going with him and Jess. He started telling me all about what has been going on with him, when I shouted into the phone that Dean and I were getting married. He went completely silent. I thought that maybe he had hung up, but when I checked my phone it said we were still connected. I asked Sam if he heard what I said. He said he did, but wasn't sure if I really said it. I told him that Dean asked me to marry him earlier this month. Sam was speechless. He said that he didn't think it was possible for Dean to find someone he wanted to marry. He also mentioned how he didn't even know that we were together. He always suspected something was up, but he didn't want to make any assumptions. After a long pause he finally said congratulations and asked when we were planning on saying our vows. I told him that I was thinking this summer and that Pastor Jim was going to marry us. He asked me who all was going so far. I told him that so far it was going to be my father, his father, and my friend Annabelle. I told him that I would really appreciate it if he came also. He said he would love to be there, but he wasn't sure if he could be around his father for very long without there being a fight. I told him to try to make it because it would mean the world to me if he were there. He said he would think about it.

May 5, 2005

So the date is set for our wedding. I can't believe this. I'm getting married, how awesome is that? I couldn't be happier right now. We are going to get married July 25 at the park with the lake that Dean proposed to me. Dean liked the idea and told me to book the place. When I told him that Pastor Jim was going to marry us he got very excited. He hasn't seen Pastor Jim in a while. I know Dean would be happy with whatever wedding I planned, but I just want to make sure that he is truly happy with what I go with.

Annabelle is going to be in town in a few weeks to help me pick out my dress and her dress. I want to go with something simple. I don't want a big princess dress. I want something summery. Annabelle has ideas on what to do for my dress. She has even offered to pay for some of it. I told her absolutely not, but she said that it is her duty as the maid of honor to make sure that everything is perfect for my big day. I'm not sure yet if Dean has picked out a best man. He will probably pick his father, but you never know. The wedding party is going to be so small. After the ceremony we are just going to go to the Thai restaurant, which Dean and I go to, for dinner. Everything is coming along smoothly.

Dean and I are leaving first thing in the morning to go out on another hunt. This time it is in Tennessee and is happening at some summer camp. The newspapers are claiming that there is a something in the lake killing the children who swim in it. The lake has been closed down until the problem has been solved. Hopefully nothing will happen to me this time to distract me from the case.

May 9, 2005

Talk about a drag. Dean and I got to the town with the case and it turns out that some other hunters all ready solved the case. They got there a few days before us and just solved the case the other day. Dean was pissed he was really looking forward to a hunt. When I say he was pissed I mean he was throwing a fit in the motel room. I told him we should just search for another hunt. He was being pessimistic and said that there weren't any other hunts. I told him there was always hunts somewhere.

I opened up my laptop and starting searching around for any strange news. I came upon an article about a girl who was strangled to death, but there were no fingerprints or evidence that anyone was in the room with her. Then there was another story in the town about a guy who was poisoned, but they can't find any traces of poison in anything that he ate. I told Dean about this finding and he asked me why we were still in the motel room. We are now on our way to Cleveland, Ohio.

May 13, 2004

So this case was a pretty easy one to figure out. Once we investigated the place where the victims died we knew what was causing these people to die. Behind the couch of the guy who died of food poisoning was a hex bag. Then we went to the girl's place and found another one. The part we are having trouble with is tracking down the person who is planting these hex bags. There are several suspects. The man who died was an auditor for the IRS so he has many people who don't like him. The woman was a popular judge in the area. Both of them are what Dean and I like to call dicks. So we checked out their latest cases to see if they had similar clients. There have had several of the same clients. One of their clients was sent to jail for tax fraud. He just got out of jail recently and lives in the area. I asked him some questions about where he was on the days that they died while Dean checked his house for an alter of some sort. We didn't find anything that would show he was a witch, but he could do his spell work somewhere else. There are some others that we are going to talk to tomorrow.

May 15, 2005

I'm out of the case now. Dean won't let me participate because the witch found out we are looking for him or her. Yesterday after Dean and I finished interviewing we came back to our motel room to talk about the possible witch. We were in the middle of discussing a possible lead when my wrists started throbbing all of a sudden. I pulled up the sleeves on my sweater and saw a bunch of blood coming out of my wrists. The pain was worst than anything I have ever felt before. Dean started running around the room looking for the hex bag. He finally found it under the sink and set it on fire.

As soon as the bag was on fire he came back over to me to check out the cuts on my wrists. I had three long cuts going vertically on my wrists. I was getting blood all over the carpet. Dean picked me up off the ground so that I was leaning against him while he led me to the bathroom so he could wash out my cuts. They were very deep and wouldn't stop bleeding. He told me that we could either go to the hospital to get them stitched up or he could do it himself. Either way I was going to have to treat the cuts because otherwise I would probably bleed to death. I told Dean that I wanted him to do it because otherwise the hospital will think I tried to kill myself. Dean sat me down at the table and got his sewing kit. He took off his shirt and rolled it up. He told me that I might want to bite down on it because it was going to hurt like a bitch when he started sewing me up. I opened my mouth and he put his shirt in it. He was right; it did hurt like a bitch when he started. He had to keep wiping the cuts while he was working because they kept bleeding. It took Dean about an hour to finish because the cuts were so long.

When he was finished he wrapped them up in gauze and told me not to touch my wrists. He also gave me some painkillers to deal with the pain. After he finished wrapping my arms up he told me that I was finished with the case. He said that I needed to rest up as much as I can because I lost a lot of blood. I would have fought him on it, but I started feeling light headed because of all the blood I lost.

May 17, 2005

I'm in trouble. I went to help Dean with the case without his permission. I was feeling useless in the motel room because I wasn't really injured and Dean was going out of his mind trying to figure out who was the witch. While Dean was out investigating I thought back to who we had interviewed that day that seemed like they were lying. As I was thinking about it I remembered that one of the suspects had a sibling living with them. When we were interviewing the person the sibling kept eavesdropping on our interview. I just thought they were being nosy, but I thought what if they were really the person placing the hex bags. I mentioned this to Dean and he said he would check it out.

I decided to follow him just in case he needed some help. It turned out that it was a good thing that I showed up when I did. Dean wasn't too good with the entrance and the suspect ran out the back door before Dean noticed. Luckily I was watching the back door without Dean's knowledge. I saw the person running through the kitchen to the back door so I stood by the door waiting for them to exit. As soon as they were running out the door I stuck my foot out and tripped them. They fell right to the ground, but tried to get up right away. I put my knee in their back to stop them from trying to get up. Dean ran out the door and was surprised to see me holding the suspect down to the ground. He told me good job and then pulled out his gun. I asked him what he was going to do. He said he was going to shoot the person because they won't ever stop.

The suspect started shouting and telling him to stop because they didn't want to die. Dean told him that he should have thought about that before he killed the other two and tried to kill me. I finally took my knee off the guy's back so he could face Dean. The guy started begging Dean to spare his life. He told Dean that he was just trying to protect his brother from going to prison for something he didn't do. Dean explained to him that he shouldn't have turned to witchcraft because now his soul belongs to a demon. He said he should stop now before he gets in too deep. The guy made a promise to Dean that he would stop using witchcraft to get what he wants. Dean told him that if he reads anywhere about him using again he will come back there and put a bullet in his head. Soon after that we left and went back to the motel.

When we got back to our room Dean started yelling at me. He told me that I was not supposed to leave the motel room and I could have gotten killed. I told him that I didn't get killed and if it weren't for me the suspect would have gotten away. He disagreed and said he would have caught up with the guy in no time. I apologized for disobeying him, but I told him that he shouldn't be so protective of me. He said it was his job to make sure I was safe. Then he put his arm around me and told me it was only because he loved me so much. He gave me a kiss on the forehead and then asked how my wrists were doing. They were itching like mad.

May 28, 2005

Annabelle is going to be in town soon. She is staying in a hotel the entire time while she is here because she doesn't want to intrude on Dean and I. I told her that she wouldn't be, but I think it would be for the best that she stays somewhere else. It might be awkward for her if Dean and I get intimate while she is at our place. I'm excited to see her. I think I might tell her all about my abilities because it might be nice to have a third party to talk to about it. Someone who will just listen to what is going on.

Dean and I have gone back to my apartment and he wants to just stay here until the wedding. I kind of want to go back out and hunt some more evil sons of bitches. He wants us to take the next two months off to just relax. He said that if someone really needs our help we will go, but otherwise he just wants us to stay here. I guess it won't be so bad, plus Annabelle will be here in just about a week.

June 6, 2005

Annabelle is here! I gave her a huge hug when I saw her. She loves my new car. She said it was even prettier than she pictured it in her head. Then she asked to see the ring. I showed it to her and she thought it was small too. We haven't done anything that involves the wedding yet, we took some time to catch up on each other's lives. I asked her about the guy she was dating the last time we talked. She said they broke up about three months ago and it was a bad breakup. I then told her all about my new abilities. She was a little freaked out at first, but then she said that it was cool that I could do those things. She asked me what she was thinking right now. I told her that I wasn't going to use them because I promised Dean I wouldn't. She kept pressuring me to do it, but I was a good girl and didn't give in.

June 14, 2005

I found my dress. It is very simple, but I love it. It is a white, summer dress. The style is sort of fairy like and it is a halter. My boobs have never looked better in a dress. I think Dean will be speechless when he sees me in it. I also found the shoes that I am going to wear. They are also very simple. They are a pair of backless ballet flats with silver sequins. Annabelle has an idea of what to do with my hair and makeup. The best thing about the shoes and dress was that together the total was less than $100.

Annabelle also found her dress. It is another simple dress, but hers is more fitting. I could never feel comfortable wearing the dress she is wearing. Her dress is light blue and has spaghetti straps. It hits just above the knee on her. The dress is very sexy. Her shoes really make the dress. I could never wear the shoes she is going to wear. They have a three-inch heal on them. Annabelle is used to wearing heals and walks in them like a pro.

June 26, 2005

In less than a month I will be Mrs. Dean Winchester. I couldn't be happier right now. After all that I have been through I am finally happy with my life. I'm just waiting for something to screw up this feeling. Dean has picked his father to be his best man, big surprise there. John is going to stay at my father's house the week before the wedding. I just want this month of waiting to be over. I don't know how people can have long engagements. I wouldn't be able to wait years to marry Dean. I can barely even wait a month to marry him.

July 5, 2005

Twenty more days!! I need to do something to take my mind off of the wedding. All I think about now is the big day. Sam still doesn't know if he is going to make it for my wedding or not. He decided to stay at school for the summer. I keep telling him that it would mean a lot to Dean and I if he made it. I even told him that he could bring Jess with him. I promised him that I wouldn't be a bitch this time. He said he would think about it.

July 12, 2005

I'm not sure what to do right now. For the past two nights I have been having a dream like the one I had about Dean proposing to me, but this one is the total opposite. It takes place the night of our wedding. Dean and I get back from the ceremony and decided to celebrate being husband and wife on our own. I tell Dean to give me a few minutes in the bathroom before we start anything. He gives me a kiss and then I go into the bathroom. I can't stop smiling the entire time that I am in the bathroom because I'm so happy that I am officially Mrs. Dean Winchester. As I am in the bathroom the lights start to flicker, but I don't think much of it. I step into the doorway between the bathroom and the bedroom to tell Dean to take me now, but Dean is on the floor in a pool of blood. I run over to him to see if he is alive, but he is completely lifeless. I kneel down next to his body and put his head in my lap while I start crying. This is when I wake up in a pool of sweat. Dean woke up both nights with me asking me what happened. I keep telling him it is nothing and to go back to sleep. So far he hasn't tried to get anything out of me, but I'm really worried.

This dream feels exactly like the premonition I had. It feels so real. What should I do? If this is real how do I prevent it from happening? I need some answers. How does Dean die in the premonition? All I see is a pool of blood near his head. I might mention something to either my father or Annabelle. John would freak out if I told him what I saw. Dean would freak out even more.

July 16, 2005

The nightmares haven't stopped. I told Annabelle about them and she told me to try to figure out what is killing him. That didn't help me feel any better. I also told my father and he told me that it might have a connection with the demon that killed my parents. He said that John told him that the demon doesn't like anything interfering with his plans. The yellow-eyed demon might see Dean as an interference because he would be married to me. I asked my father what I should do and he told me it was up to me. I didn't really like that answer. I asked him if I should try to call off the wedding, but he didn't think that would work. Dean can be stubborn and might convince me to stay with him. I don't know what else to do. I don't want to be the reason why Dean is dead; I could never live with that.

July 20, 2005

We came up with a solution to my problem. I'm not very happy with this solution, but it will save Dean's life. My father and Annabelle worked together to figure out the plan. These next few days are going to be very difficult for me. I basically have to lie to Dean from now on. They want me to play it cool until the night before our wedding. My father told me to tell Dean that I am going to stay over at Annabelle's place before the wedding because I want to stick to the tradition of not seeing each other the day of our wedding until I walk down the aisle. Then Annabelle and I are going to catch a flight to England where I am going to stay until further notice. My father told me to leave a note for Dean saying sorry with the engagement ring. Basically I am running out on our wedding the day before. I hate to do this to Dean, but I would rather him hate me than be dead. I can barely look at Dean knowing that I am going to break his heart in less than a week.

When I get to England Annabelle wants me to stay with her. She knows that I am going to be a wreck after I leave and wants to be there for me. I can't believe I am going to be living my life without Dean. We haven't been apart from each other for more than a week since August. It is going to be so weird not going to sleep with him next to me. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I have to do this in order to save Dean's life.

July 25, 2005

I am on the plane right now heading to England. It was so hard to leave last night. Dean looked so excited about today being our wedding day. When I tried to leave to go to Annabelle's he kept making me come back to get something else. His last words to me were, "I'll see you tomorrow Mrs. Winchester." I just smiled and nodded. I had to fight back the tears all day long. The last night we spent together was a passionate one. After Dean fell asleep I went into the bathroom and just cried for a good two hours. Before I left I told Dean I would love him forever. When I got to Annabelle's she gave me my bag that she packed for me and then we went over to my father's house. I wrote the apology letter to Dean and gave my father the engagement ring. I didn't want to take it off, but I knew I had to. I thought I could get away with the promise ring, but Annabelle remembered it and told me to take that off too.

In the letter to Dean I told him that I was sorry for leaving him on our wedding day, but I just wasn't in love with him like he is in love with me. It was so hard to write those words because they aren't true. I love him more than anything in the world. Dean is going to think that I have been lying to him all this time.

I also wrote a letter to Dean explaining the truth, but I didn't put it where he would find it. A few days ago I wrote the letter and snuck out in the middle of the night to hide it in the Impala somewhere. I found the perfect place to hide it where I don't think Dean will find it. On the passenger side in the back seat there is a hole in the carpeting. I stuffed the letter in the carpeting. In the letter I explain everything to him. It has everything from how my parents died to why I really left.

I thought that I was going to cry all night last night, but I didn't shed a single tear. I haven't cried since the other night. I told my father to give me a call when he gives the letter to Dean so I know that he got it. He gave me a call about an hour before we boarded the plane. He said he gave it to him. I asked him what Dean said, but he didn't want to tell me. I told him that I needed to know how Dean reacted. He asked me how I thought he would react. I wanted to know if Dean was upset or if he was sad. He told me that Dean didn't say anything to him; he just walked to his car and drove away. He said that John and Sam are both not very happy with either of us. John wanted to know how I could do something like that to his son. Sam just didn't understand it because I was so excited about the wedding a few days ago. I thanked my father for all his help and I told him to keep me updated on whether or not Dean comes back.

We have been on the plane for the past three hours now. Annabelle was nice and bought us first-class seats. This is my first time on an airplane. I didn't want this to be my first plane ride, but I have no other option if I want Dean to live. I've thrown up twice since I have been on here because of motion sickness. Annabelle gave me some pill that is supposed to relax my stomach and knock me out for the rest of the plane ride, but so far I am not sleepy. I have too much on my mind.

Aug 3, 2005

I think I might be pregnant. I know that the doctor said it was impossible for me to get pregnant, but I have all the same symptoms I had before when I was pregnant before. I have been throwing up almost every morning since I have gotten here, but feel better when I wake up. My breasts are tender and I can smell almost everything. I also have this weird craving for grapefruit even thought I hate it. Annabelle wants me to go to her doctor to see if I really am pregnant. I don't know what I am going to do if I am pregnant. I will probably keep the baby because it will be my little piece of Dean.

It has been so hard to fall asleep without Dean in bed with me. Annabelle bought me a body pillow to hug at night, but it isn't the same. It is cold and doesn't move. Annabelle's house is beautiful. It has four bedroom, five bathroom, a huge kitchen, a pool and Jacuzzi, two living rooms, and a game room. The Jacuzzi is really nice. I've gone in there almost every night. Annabelle has been wonderful throughout this thing. She keeps asking me if I need anything and keeps taking me places to keep my mind off of Dean. I haven't even cried since my last night with Dean. She keeps telling me it's okay if I cry, but I just haven't felt like crying yet. Does that make me a bad person?

My father called me shortly after we got off the plane to tell me that Dean was back. He came back to my father's house drunk asking him why I left. My father told him that it was in the note and that was all he knew. Dean asked my father where I was and when I was coming back. My father told him that I left with Annabelle and I have no plans of coming back. Dean didn't like this answer and threw a lamp across the room. He asked him again where I went. My father told him that I was going to travel around Europe. Dean threw some more stuff around my father's place before he stormed out and drove off. That is sort of how I expected Dean to react.

Aug 7, 2005

I was right I am pregnant. I am already two months pregnant. I don't know how I didn't notice skipping my period. I must have been so caught up with the wedding to even notice. The doctor said that at my next visit he should be able to tell me the sex of the baby. I can't believe that I am pregnant again. I thought that it was impossible to get pregnant. I asked the doctor if there should be any complications with the pregnancy since I had such a small chance of having a baby again. He told me that so far he couldn't find any problems.

No matter what the gender of the baby I am going to name him or her after Dean. I don't think I can tell Dean that he is going to have a son or daughter. He probably would think that I left because I was pregnant and was scared. I told my father the news and he told me to be careful. He reminded me about what happened last time I was pregnant. I told him that it was because Robert was Sam's baby. My father told me either way I should be careful because it might interfere with yellow-eyes plans.

Annabelle is very happy for me. She told me that she would hire some workers to turn one of the bedrooms into a nursery. Once I know the gender of the baby she will have them paint it either pink or blue. I told her that she didn't need to do that, but she said to think nothing of it. She said that she has the best interior decorator that can work with me to create the best room. I'm going to have to get something big for Annabelle to pay her back for all her help.

Aug 18, 2005

Annabelle and I went to Paris today. She decided that we needed a vacation and booked a suite for us in Paris. The hotel is right down the street from the Eiffel Tower. She made sure that we had a room facing it. When we drew back the curtains the tower was basically staring us in the face. It is so beautiful here. We went to a coffee shop next door to our hotel and it had the best croissants. I had no clue what anyone was saying around us, but I learned that Annabelle could speak French fluently. She gave our order to the barista in perfect French. It was strange sitting in a place and not understanding what the people sitting next to you were saying. There were some other Americans in the place, but it was mainly French. Quite a few of them can speak English, so I can't get away with saying anything to them.

Tomorrow Annabelle and I are going to a five-star spa. This place is not cheap. She has me set up for some special for pregnant women. I'm not really sure what is supposed to happen, but she said it should be very relaxing. I really hope they don't ask anything about the father. I might finally breakdown in front of a stranger.

I still think about Dean everyday. I miss him so much. I miss his sarcastic humor and the strange faces he makes sometimes. He made me laugh so much. I haven't laughed the same way since I left. It hasn't even been a month since I saw him last, but it feels like years. My father doesn't like picking up the phone anymore because he knows that I am going to ask about Dean. The last thing I heard about him was that he left a few days after the wedding and hasn't been back since. He thinks that he is out hunting again. He isn't sure because John and Dean have both stopped talking to him. I told him I was sorry that he had to get in the middle of this. He wouldn't accept my apology because he said it wasn't my fault. I did what was best for Dean. He said he would rather have them stop talking to him than have Dean dead and John even more vengeful. I had to agree with him there. He said that John and Dean would eventually come around again.

After Annabelle and I are done in Paris we are going to move on to Monte Carlo and then to various cities in Italy. She really wants me to see these places while I still can. Once I have the baby she says that my time will be devoted to the baby. She is very right there. I'm afraid that I am going to be obsessed with this child because it is my last piece of Dean.

Aug 25, 2005

Italy is so beautiful. I don't ever want to leave. We are in Florence right now. The other day we were in Milan and got to see Duomo. It was breath taking. We are going to Venice in a few days and then to Rome. I'm really looking forward to Rome. The food here is amazing. I absolutely love the pasta and gelato. I had no clue what gelato was until we got here and now I want it all the time. We went to a fresh produce market today and bought some vegetables to bring home. Annabelle found some herbs at one of the markets that the woman recommended for pregnant women. She said that it helps with the growth of the baby while in my womb. Annabelle surprised me again by speaking Italian. Her Italian isn't as good as her French, but it is still impressive.

It has officially been a month since I last saw Dean. If we had gotten married it would be our one month today. I've decided to stop calling my dad so much to get information on Dean. I think it is for the best. I really need to stop thinking about him. Whenever I have a free moment my thoughts automatically go to Dean. It is hard to forget about him. He was my idea of a perfect boyfriend and future husband. He cared so much about me, a little too much sometimes. He loved me more than anyone ever has. I keep seeing things that remind me of him. I keep thinking in my mind how Dean would react to certain things. I wonder everyday if he is thinking about me too. I know he hasn't forgotten about me, but what is he thinking about when he thinks of me. He probably hates me. He probably thinks I'm a bitch for leaving him the night before our wedding. I just want to call him and tell him everything. I want to tell him that I do love him and I left him to save him, but I can't.

Sept 5, 2005

I found out the gender of the baby. It is going to be a girl. I've already decided what her name is going to be. She is going to be named Deana Samantha Winchester. Annabelle likes the sound of that name, but asked if it would be wiser to give her my last name. I don't think Deana Samantha Singer sounds as nice. Now that I know the sex of the baby Annabelle is having the nursery painted pink. She let me pick out the shade that I thought would look the best. I didn't want anything too bright. I decided to go with a very light shade of pink.

Our trip to Rome was the best of all the cities we visited. We spent a good four days there. We went to the Colosseum and got the grand tour. I made us get some more gelato when we were there. When we were in Venice we went on a Gondola ride and the man driving the Gondola was singing Italian songs to us. The men in Italy are big flirts. They kept hitting on Annabelle and I. It was sort of flattering, but at the same time it was sort of annoying.

Annabelle wants to go to Germany and Spain next. She has already booked some hotel rooms in some of the major cities. She keeps asking me if there is anywhere that I really want to see. I would like to go to Amsterdam, but I don't think it would be very good for the baby. I told her that I really didn't care because I was appreciated her taking me to all these places to begin with. She told me that it really wasn't a big deal to her. She enjoys showing me all these places because apparently my reaction to some stuff is like a child. She told me that we needed to get these trips in before I get too big. I still have about a month before I will really be showing. I hate that Annabelle pays for everything. I don't think I have spent a dime since I have been here. She insists on paying and won't accept my money. She just ignores me when I put out some cash and pays for the entire bill. She is even paying for the doctor visits.

Sept 14, 2005

I was a bad girl today. I had a moment of weakness and checked my voicemail from my old phone. I still haven't shut off the number because it will cost me $200, but if I wait one more month I can shut it off for $50. Anyways, I decided to check the voicemail to see what types of messages I had on there. I had a feeling that there might be some from Dean. I turned the phone off the night before I left because I didn't want to have him calling me for some reason. When I turned on the phone today it said that I had ten new voicemails. The first one was from Dean. It was from the night before our wedding. He was calling to say that he was having difficulty sleeping because I wasn't there with him. He said that he couldn't wait until the next day when we were officially going to be married. He finished the message by saying he won't love anyone else the way that he loves me. It was a nice message. I decided to save it. The next two were from before the wedding. He called when he woke up the morning of our wedding to complain about how he had a terrible night sleep because someone insisted on sticking to tradition. He said the one rule when we are married is no sleeping in separate beds. On the next one he was telling me he was on the way to the park and couldn't wait to see me. He said that I was probably busy getting beautiful, which wasn't necessary because I was already beautiful. I played this one twice before I got to the next one.

The next one was from when he had gotten my letter. He was in the car driving somewhere. He was shouting into the phone, asking how I could do that to him. He wanted to know how I could lie to him all this time. Then he said some words that I don't feel like repeating. The next one was just fifteen minutes after his last one. He was a lot calmer and said he didn't mean the things he called me. He said that if I wasn't ready I should have said something. He would have postponed the engagement if I wanted more time. It sounded like he was on the verge of crying.

Sam left the next message asking if something was up. He wanted to know if everything was okay and if I had another reason for leaving Dean at the alter. He said that it just didn't make sense to him when I was so happy about marrying Dean.

The next one was a very angry one from John. He wanted to know how I could lead his son on like this. He trusted me and thought that I was perfect for Dean. He paused for a few minutes before asking if this had something to do with the yellow-eyed demon. He said that if I did this to save Dean then he forgives me for my actions, but if what I wrote in the letter was true then he never wants to see my face again. I thought those were some harsh words from John, but they were understandable.

The rest were just drunk calls from Dean, besides the last one. The last message was left about three days ago. Dean explained in the message that he didn't hate me, if that is what I think. He still cares a lot about me and will never stop loving me. He said that if I ever needed anything not to hesitate to call him. I saved that one too.

Listening to the messages didn't really help me feel better, but it was nice to hear Dean's voice again. I didn't really care what he was saying. Well I did care what he was saying, but at the same time I just liked listening to the sound of his voice. Annabelle is going to hate me if she finds out that I listened to my messages. She is trying to cut me off from thinking about Dean.

We are leaving for Berlin tomorrow. It should be interesting. We might go to the Czech Republic for a day and visit Prague. I'm excited about going anywhere in Europe. I told Annabelle that I wanted to visit Auschwitz, but she didn't really want to go. The thought of the Holocaust disturbs her. I know that it isn't really a fun trip, but I think it is something that every person needs to witness to know that it really happened. I can't believe there are some people that don't believe in the Holocaust. There is a lot more evidence that the Holocaust happened than the moon landing. Hopefully I will convince Annabelle to go.

Oct 1, 2005

I'm starting to show a little bit. It is pretty exciting. I'm still getting used to the fact that I am pregnant again. I'm waiting for this all to be a dream. I'm waiting to wake up next to Dean and have everything from him possibly dying to me being pregnant all be in my head. It's not that I hate being pregnant, I really don't, but I would love to be pregnant with the father knowing. Both times I have been pregnant I have had to hide it from the father.

Annabelle and I just got back today from our trip to Spain and Germany. The cultures of both countries are so different from one another. I really enjoyed going to Germany. The people there seemed really friendly and the streets were very clean. Annabelle gave in and we went to Auschwitz. It was very depressing there, but I liked seeing where it all happened. I think that is a place that everybody should visit.

What I really enjoyed about Spain was that I understood what some of the people were saying because I took a Spanish class in high school. I only remembered key phrases, but I could understand some of it.

Oct 17, 2005

The nursery is coming along nicely. The walls are all painted and some of the furniture has been put in there. Annabelle had me pick out a crib and a changing station for the room. I tried to find the cheapest one in the catalog she gave me, but there wasn't a single crib under $1,000. I don't really understand why these cribs are so much more money than your average crib, but Annabelle wouldn't allow me to look anywhere else. I have to admit that the crib is really pretty and goes perfectly with the décor of the room. I'm only halfway through with this pregnancy, but I'm ready for it now.

Nov 4, 2005

One of Annabelle's friends is staying with us for a few days. His name is Phillip and he looks to be about twenty-four years old. He's a pretty nice guy and is a hunter. He was passing through and decided to crash here for a few nights. He sort of reminds me of Sam because he is on his computer a lot and has more of the geek personality. His accent is so adorable. I can't get over this British accent here. I absolutely love it. I'm not sure which I find hotter a British accent or an Australian one. Either one would probably get me swooning over a guy.

I almost got through the whole day without thinking of Dean. It was up until dinnertime when a Led Zeppelin song came on the radio. That was one of Dean's favorite bands. During our car rides to our hunts Dean would put in their greatest hits tape. I already knew some of their songs, but I learned some more during those car rides. He would play that tape over and over again. I didn't really mind because I enjoy their music. Of course the song that came on was Dean's favorite, "Over the Hills and Far Away." I could picture him singing along in my head and his air guitar/drums moves. Whenever the song would come on he would always sing really loud and pretend like he was singing into a microphone. Sometimes he would bring the pretend microphone to my mouth to see if I knew the words. I learned the words pretty quickly. The first time he put the pretend microphone to my mouth I didn't know the words and he was pretty upset. He said that the song was a classic and a must-know. I learned the song pretty soon after that and whenever it would come on I would join him on air guitar or drums. We would pretend to jam out to the song. Now that I think about it that song was sort of our song. I caught myself singing along to the song and playing a very small air guitar. At first I was happy when I heard the song, but then I remembered Dean and became very sad. I wonder what Dean is doing right now.

I talked to my father the other day and he told me that all he knew was that Dean was still out hunting. He didn't really have any other news for me concerning Dean. He did give me some bad news concerning Sam. Just a few days ago the yellow-eyed demon killed Jess, Sam's girlfriend. I feel so bad for Sam. I wish I could call him up and give him my sympathies, but I can't. He must be so torn up right now. It makes me so angry at yellow-eyes. Why does he have to take everything that we love?

Nov 20, 2005

It is so weird that they don't celebrate Thanksgiving here. I have to keep reminding myself that it is an American holiday like Independence Day and Memorial Day. I'm so used to seeing turkeys all over the place during this time of year. It's sort of better that I won't be celebrating Thanksgiving this year because it will remind me too much of Dean. Thanksgiving two years ago was when we had sex for the first time. Christmas is going to be even harder to get through because that would have been our second year anniversary.

Speaking of Dean, my father told me that he and Sam are hunting together now. I guess John has been missing for the past month and they are going to try to find him. My father thinks that John is looking for some information on the yellow-eyed demon and that he might be in trouble. No one has really been able to get in contact with him, but he has been sending random texts. Shortly after Jess died Sam left his home and started hunting with Dean. I don't know what to think about this. Sam never really seemed that interested in hunting. I'm afraid that he might try to go after the yellow-eyed demon without knowing much about him. I really hope the best for the two of them. Hopefully they won't be down each other's throats too much. Also having Sam around might get Dean mind off of me, if he is thinking about me as much as I am thinking about him.

Dec 2, 2005

I feel like a fatty. I'm eating all the time and my stomach is getting so big. I can't fit into my clothes anymore. Annabelle bought me some new clothes to wear, but I refuse to wear them because they are expensive designer clothes. I think the pair of pants she bought me was worth $550. I don't understand how a pair of pants can be so expensive. They don't look that special to me. The pants look just like a pair I could buy at Target or Kohl's. I just keep wearing the same three pairs of sweatpants over and over again. It's not like I have anyone to impress. I'm not trying for a new boyfriend right now. I rarely ever leave the house.

Annabelle has been working a lot lately. I'm in the house by myself most of the time. I don't really have much to do during the day. I'm on the computer a lot looking for possible hunts around America that I can tell my father about. I've also started watching a lot of new movies. Annabelle has a huge collection of movies. Basically whenever a popular movie comes out on DVD she gets it. The most recent movie that I watched was "The Boogeyman." It was an interesting movie, but very predictable. Whenever the main guy would touch a door handle something would pop out. I also finally saw "The Ring." That movie really creeped me out. However it is so unrealistic. It is not possible for a videotape to kill you because you watched it. I've never heard of something like that happening.

Dec 27, 2005

I'm so bored. I have a little over two months left. I'm ready for this pregnancy to be over. I've started reading books about demons and spirits. Annabelle has some interesting books around the house about different artifacts and medallions that exist. Some of the books tell you how to create the medallions and some tell you where to find them. I told Annabelle that I want to try to make a few of them and she told me that she had everything I needed in the basement. I've been working on a special amulet that is supposed to bring you luck. It has to be made perfectly. There are specific measurements that the amulet needs to be and it certain parts need to be made on certain days. I want to give this amulet to Deana as soon as she is born. It won't be finished until she is supposed to be born.

Christmas was better than I thought it would be, but it was still hard to get through. Annabelle tried her hardest to keep my mind off of Dean. She knew it was going to be a bad day for me. She had us go to London to celebrate the holiday. I asked her where her family was, but she became very nervous. She just told me that her family likes to travel a lot and don't live around the area. I told her that I wanted to meet her parents, but she said it was impossible because they were dead. I felt so bad after that, I had no clue they were dead. I apologized, but Annabelle wouldn't accept. She said it wasn't my fault because she never told me that her parents were dead. I guess Annabelle and I have more in common than I thought. I asked her how they died, but she told me that it was a story for a different day.


	8. Years 2006 and 2007

Jan 3, 2006

I found out how Annabelle's parents died. She told me the truth today, and I'm not very happy with it. I'm not really sure how to explain this, but I will try my best.

About eight years ago Annabelle's parents died in a car accident, but it wasn't entirely an accident. Her parents weren't exactly the world's greatest. They abused her sexually and physically. One day she was on the swings at a local park when this little girl came up to her and made her an offer. She offered to get rid of her parents and in return get her soul ten years later. Annabelle was willing to do anything to get rid of them and ten years was a long time to live without them. They died and left her with everything. That explains why she is so rich. However she doesn't want to die. She is willing to make a deal with whoever holds her contract.

I wasn't sure how to react to the news. I was speechless. I told her I needed time to absorb what she just told me. I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about this. She also told me that her real name isn't Annabelle it is Abigail. I asked her why she changed her name to Annabelle and she said that she didn't want the same name that her parents gave her. She told me to continue calling her Annabelle because that is what she is known as with her friends. I can't believe Annabelle has been keeping this from me all this time. I have shared so much with her, but yet she couldn't tell me this bit of information. I don't want Annabelle to die in two years. I am going to try my hardest to find out who holds her contract and get her out of that deal.

In other news the good luck amulet I'm making for Deana is coming along nicely. I can't wait to have this baby. I'm so uncomfortable all the time because my back is so sore. I almost forgot what this feels like. I can't walk for more than fifteen minutes without having to sit down. I have just about two months left and then I will have my beautiful baby girl in my arms.

Feb 9, 2006

Just less than a month left and I will have Deana in my arms. I'm just waiting for yellow-eyes to show up any day now to take her away from me. I could see him killing my baby again. I won't relax until I have my baby in my arms, but I still won't be completely relaxed until he is dead. From what my father tells me it sounds like John is getting some good information about the demon. My father also tells me that Sam and Dean are still out hunting together. They haven't really taken a day off since Jess died. I hope Sam is enjoying himself. I know that he didn't really want to live this life, but he is now. I guess there is no getting away from it if you are a Winchester. I don't think I am going to raise my daughter around the hunting evil stuff, at least not until she is old enough to understand. I'll tell her all she needs to know if she asks.

Mar 2, 2006

I should be giving birth to Deana any day now. The doctor anticipates that it will happen some day this week. How cool would it be if I gave birth to her on my birthday? I mean it would suck that I have to be in the hospital on my birthday, but at the same time it would be an amazing present from her. I wonder whom she is going to look like. I'm worried that I'm not going to be a good mother. Annabelle bought me some parenting books to read and she told me that she is here to help me raise Deana. She also told me that if I want to I could hire a nanny to help out until I get into the swing of things. I told her that was a nice thought, but I wasn't going to need a nanny. I want to raise my daughter.

Holy crap! My water just broke! I'm going to have a baby.

June 20, 2007

I'm back. Sorry I haven't written in a while I've sort of been dead. That's right, I died. It is all thanks to that yellow-eyed SOB, whose real name is Azazel. I'm not exactly alive any more. I have become what I hunted. I am a demon. What happened exactly?

Well, shortly after my water broke Annabelle drove me to the hospital. After being in labor for sixteen hours Deana finally came out. After the doctors cleaned her up they let me hold her. She was so beautiful. I could see Dean in her. She definitely had his eyes. She was precious. Although she wasn't even an hour old she was already smiling at me. The entire time I held her she didn't cry.

Then the nurse came in and told me they had to run some test on Deana. I handed her to the nurse, but then I noticed the nurse's eyes were yellow and he had this evil grin on his face. Deana started to kick and scream. Azazel started shushing her, but it wouldn't work. I got out of the bed, but before my feet hit the ground I was being push up against the wall. I started yelling at him to not hurt Deana. He said he had no intentions of hurting her. I asked him what he wanted. He explained to me that he wanted me to join him, fight along side him. I told him absolutely not. Then he said I had a choice, to either join him or have my dear daughter killed. He said I had ten seconds to choose before he chose for me. Both offers sucked because either way I couldn't be around my daughter. I told him that I would join him as long as my daughter goes unharmed. He said it was a deal. He let me down off the wall, helped me back into the bed, and handed me Deana. He told me to say my goodbyes now. Then he turned around and walked out the room.

Shortly after that Annabelle came in to see my daughter for the first time. She could tell something was bothering me and asked what was wrong. I tried my best to explain without crying. She promised to take care of Deana until she was no longer able to. She said that she would make sure Deana ended up in a good home full of love after her time was up.

I hated making this decision more than making the decision to leave Dean. I didn't actually plan on joining Azazel. I was going to find out his weakness and then kill him. It didn't take long for him to catch on. Once Azazel found out my true intentions he sent me down to Hell.

Hell is nothing like how they show it in the movies. It is very hard to explain the pain and suffering of Hell. Time moves much slower down there. Technically I've only been dead for about fourteen months, but it was over a century of pain down there. Once I got down there they started torturing me, not just physically, but mentally. They would taunt me with information about what was going on on Earth. For ten years they pulled me apart and then put me back together again to start over.

A demon named Lillith would come over to me and tell me about her plans when she broke out of Hell. She was going to take over the demon army that Azazel was going to lead. No one was going to get in her way. She didn't care about the so-called leader Azazel wanted. She was going to be the ruler of all evil. She gave me an offer. She told me that if I promised to join her army she would let me off the torture rack and get me out of Hell as soon as the gates were opened. I told her to go screw herself. Every day she would give me the same offer and tell me about how Azazel was winning. She would tell me about who was winning the competition for the spot as the leader. For a while it looked like this girl named Ava was going to take it. I kept wondering when Sam was going to be sent there. Then one day Lillith told me the news that Sam Winchester was dead and a leader was chosen. I was livid that day in Hell. That was even more torture than anything they ever did to me, or so I thought.

A few days after Sam died Lillith said she got another contract for someone's soul, but this one was worth much more than any other. After a bit of teasing she finally spit it out that Dean sold his soul to bring Sam back. However, Dean only got one year to live. I was glad to hear Sam was alive again, but I didn't want to hear that Dean would be in Hell soon.

In Hell there was another demon making me offers. He wasn't as bad as Lillith, but he was still a monster. His name was Alistair. He would come over to me everyday and offer to take me down from being tortured if I started torturing souls. I told him no. I would rather be tortured than torture another soul. Each day I would tell him no, so he would add something new to my sentence. After ten years I finally gave in and became the torturer. I was starting to forget what it meant to be human when one of the souls that came down was John Winchester. Alistair wanted him to have extra torture for all the demons he sent back here. John recognized me and started shouting my name. I snapped out of my sadistic mental state and asked what he was doing down here, but I knew the answer. He looked confused and asked me the same thing. I was about to answer when Alistair came over and told me this was not the place for a tea party. He told me to get to work, but I refused to torture John. From then on I didn't forget what I was doing. I had no clue what I was becoming. I didn't know that I was going to become a demon, but once you spend more time torturing souls than being tortured the chances of becoming a demon are much higher.

When I found out that Azazel was planning on opening up the gates of Hell I knew I had to get out. I had to warn Sam about Lillith's plan. I had to get him ready to fight her after Dean dies. I knew it had to be torturing Sam that his brother sold his soul for him. I didn't want Sam to know what I truly was so I decided to get an alias. From that day on I would go by my middle name, Ruby.

As soon as the gates opened I busted out of there, but not before I helped John get out. He was still tied up in some torture chamber. I told him to come with me so he could be freed. He saw what I had become, but I promised him that I would help Sam and Dean with the war. I also gave him the news about Dean selling his soul to save Sam. He just told me like father like son. I pulled John out of Hell just in time. When we stepped out we were in some graveyard. I was a cloud of smoke, but I could see what was around me. Shutting the door behind us was my father, Sam, and some woman I've never seen before. Across the field Dean was having a chat with Azazel. I just wanted to kill Azazel right then, but Dean soon did that for me with a little help from John. I couldn't believe what I saw John do. He pulled Azazel out of his host for a few seconds, but it was long enough for Dean to shoot Azazel with the Colt. Sam and Dean both saw John's soul and said their goodbyes without any words. John then ascended to Heaven, a place I wish I could go to. After that touching moment I realized it was time to find a host so I could talk to Sam and Dean. I didn't want to possess a living person, but I had to if I wanted to talk to Sam.

As I was floating along to find a host I saw a car hit a tree. I decided to investigate. Sitting alone in the car was a blond, 20-something women dying. She was unconscious and I could hear her heart giving out. I decided to make her my host. I didn't feel so bad possessing a dying person. I entered her body and got out of the car. I had all the same senses as I did when I was human, but there are some added ones.

I wanted to see what I was capable of doing. First I tried moving the car with my mind. After a few failures I eventually moved it away from the tree. My next move was shimmering. I wanted to try to go from place to place in a second. That one didn't take long to learn. I just thought of where I wanted to go and I would end up there. It is a pretty nifty trick.

Before I go to talk to Sam I'm going to learn as much as I can about Lillith's plans. Now that Sam is the Boy King I must protect him. Azazel is dead now so I don't have to worry much about him.

I also wanted to check on Deana to make sure she was happy. She should be walking and talking by now. I need to find out where she is. Last I heard Annabelle gave her to a different family because she needed to focus on who holds her contract. That's another thing I need to do. I need to find Annabelle and tell her who holds her contract.

Once those things are done I will track down Sam and get him to listen. It shouldn't take too long since I can just shimmer from place to place in a matter of seconds. First I'm going to find Annabelle and give her the news. How do I tell her without freaking her out? I'll just have to tell her who I really am. The only problem is if she will believe me. I wouldn't trust me. Demons lie all the time; manipulation is the way of life to them. There are a few exceptions, me included. If Annabelle believes me then I'll have to try to get her to tell me where Deana lives.

I don't plan on exposing myself to Deana because I don't want her to know her mother is a demon. My life was tough enough explaining my father's job. I couldn't imagine explaining my mother was a demon. I'm going to just watch her from a distance. I know that sounds sort of stalkerish, but she's my daughter.

I'm going to guess that this shouldn't take more than a day or two, depending on if Annabelle believes me or not. Listening for Lillith's plans is going to take the longest. I'm hoping to get to Sam by the end of the week.

June 25, 2007

I've found Sam, but I haven't gotten up the nerve to talk to him yet. I've just been watching him from a distance.

This past week has been very interesting. I found Annabelle and told her who holds her contract. It took a while to get her to believe it was me, but after some Q&A she finally believed me. It was sort of hard to find her because she changed her name again. The name isn't much different from Annabelle, but it was enough for people to not know whom I was talking about. Luckily one person was smart enough to ask me if I meant Bela. I wasn't sure if that was going to be her, but I decided to check it out anyways. Sure enough it was her. I didn't waste much time telling her who I was and why I was there. I told her that I knew who held her contract, but this is not a demon to mess with. She didn't care. I told her Lillith holds her contract and I wasn't sure if she would back out of taking her soul. Annabelle asked if I would help her talk to Lillith. I told her there wasn't much I could do because I wasn't exactly on good terms with Lillith. She then started begging me to try to help her get out of her contract. I asked her what was in it for me. I wanted something for helping her. She told me she had a special knife that could kill anything, even demons. She said she would give it to me if I promised to talk to Lillith for her. I took her offer. I then asked her where Deana was. She told me in London.

I left Annabelle to find Deana. It took some time to find her, but I eventually tracked her down. She looked so happy. She was giggling and smiling the entire time I saw her. She looks a lot like me except that she has Dean's eyes. I couldn't help but stare at her. I couldn't believe she was still alive. I wanted so badly to run into the house and give her a hug and a kiss, but I knew I couldn't do that. I spent about three hours outside of her house until I finally left to get some information on Lillith.

I couldn't find out much, but I did find some interesting information about Sam's mother. For some odd reason any person that knew Mary Winchester ended up dying suddenly. I couldn't find out why, but I have a feeling it has something to do with Azazel. No body else would really talk to me because it is forbidden. Lillith won't allow them to talk to me because she knows what my plans are.

As I said I've found Sam, but I'm not sure how to approach him. I need to get him alone. I need to talk to him without Dean around because I know Dean will just get in the way. It doesn't seem like Sam is alone very often. I've spotted him looking up information on how to save Dean, but he is looking in all the wrong places. I can't tell him who holds Dean's contract because I know he will go right after her. Lillith won't be very kind to Sam or Dean. She will most likely kill them. With Annabelle it is different because her soul is not as valuable as Dean's.

I realize that when I talk to Sam I can't act like me. I need to make him listen to me. Sam is obedient, but can also be very stubborn. I might have to act like a total bitch if I want him to listen to me. I've also realized that I might not have to tell him I'm a demon. He is definitely not going to trust a word I say if he knows that I am a demon.

June 27, 2007

I've finally talked to Sam. It wasn't a very long conversation, but he knows that I exist. I basically just stopped in to say hello. I had tracked them down and was observing them while they were on a hunt. I was going to approach Sam, but then I noticed my father was with them. I wouldn't be able to keep my act up around him. I've been working on my new attitude for the past few days. I'm sort of enjoying acting like a bitch. It is getting me what I want.

I was watching them from a distance during the entire hunt. I knew right away whom they were fighting, but it took them some time. They were fighting the seven deadly sins. I watched as the sins approached the abandoned house they were staying in. I could tell they were winning, but when I saw that Pride was going after Sam with two other yahoos I decided to jump in and help since I had my knife on me. I wasn't going to help him unless he really needed it. I stood outside the door listening and waiting. When I heard them finally attack Sam I could tell that he wasn't really winning the fight. Pride had broken the Devil's Trap that Sam drew on the ceiling and lunged after Sam. The other two helped him fight Sam. I knew it wasn't a fair match so I stepped in and helped. The first two were very easy to kill. I just shoved the blade into their throats and they were killed instantly. I felt bad that I killed the human inside, but after being possessed their lives won't be the same. Pride was a little harder to kill. After I killed the first two demons I was going to go after Pride, but he stopped strangling Sam and came after me. He grabbed me and was about to take the blade out of my hand when Sam pulled him off of me. I turned around and stabbed Pride in the throat. Sam was so confused and wanted to know who I was. I wanted to keep him interested so I didn't tell him my name. Before I left I said "Goodbye Sam." I knew that would leave him wanting more. I walked out the door and down the hall before I shimmered out.

I'm going to give it some time before I approach Sam again. I need to focus on Lillith for a little while and possibly talk to her about Annabelle. I really don't think Lillith will listen to me, but I need to hold out on my end of the deal.

July 3, 2007

I talked to Lillith about Annabelle's deal. It took a lot of persuading to get her to listen to me and believe that I didn't want to kill her. She liked the whole alias thing. It is a good way to cover up my tracks. I told her that Annabelle was willing to do anything to get out of her deal. Lillith was listening when I said she would do anything. She said to have Annabelle meet with her and they will negotiate something. I didn't really like the way she said it, but I knew she wouldn't kill Annabelle yet. I thanked her for hearing me out and then vanished. I knew I couldn't stick around plus I had to give Annabelle the news.

I tracked down Annabelle fairly quick and told her what Lillith said. She asked where she wanted to meet, but I didn't know the answer. Lillith didn't give me the meeting place or time. Annabelle thanked me over and over again. I told her that the blade works perfectly. I asked her where she got it, but she wouldn't tell me. She said that she had her connections. I left her shortly after this so I could check on Deana.

Deana is just so adorable. She is starting to say some words and every time a word comes out of her mouth it sounds so cute. Her favorite word to say is cookie. I didn't stay around her very long, but I did slip into her room while she was sleeping. I watched her sleep for about an hour, but then I heard her parents coming towards the room so I left. She is growing every single day. She is so much bigger than when I last saw her. I really want to hold her in my arms and kiss her goodnight, but I can't. I'm so happy with who her parents are. I can tell they love her. They are a middle-class family and don't have any other children. Deana has so many toys around the house it is crazy. Annabelle had the family take the crib I picked out and the lucky charm necklace I made her is on her dresser.

July 10, 2007

I was a bad girl today. I talked to Deana parents and convinced them to let me baby-sit for their daughter. I don't know what I was thinking. I was at the park sitting on a bench watching Deana play when the ball she was playing with rolled to my feet. I picked it up and asked her what she says. In the most adorable, high-pitched voice she said please. I handed the ball to her and asked her again what she says. She smiled and said please again. Her parents then came over and sat by me on the bench. They introduced themselves as Mark and Lucy. I told them I was Ruby. They could tell right away that I wasn't from England because of my accent. They asked me if I was on holiday. I told them that I went to school downtown. We started making small talk when I mentioned how cute their daughter was. They said she was an angel. Some how it got around to me telling them that I was looking for a babysitting gig and they offered me a job to watch her. I gave them my cell number and told them to give me a call when they needed me.

I don't know why I did that, but I guess I had a moment of weakness. My mind figured out a way to get me in to see my daughter. I hope they call, but I also hope they don't call. This is just going to complicate things even more. I don't need Deana as a distraction. I need to focus on talking to Sam and getting him ready for life without Dean. Dean doesn't think about the long-term consequences when he does things. He just goes in and gets the job done even if it means possibly getting killed. Sam on the other hand is a little more careful and worries about right and wrong. He hesitates sometimes before he kills something. He needs to make sure that it is evil. I understand that he doesn't want to kill anything that might be good, but sometimes it's best not to ask. I need him to learn how to use his abilities that Azazel gave him. I just need to go talk to him before Lillith gets her army strong enough to take Sam down.

July 25, 2007

Secrets out, Sam knows I'm a demon. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it from him for too long. He's not an idiot and I told him a lot of information that a normal hunter wouldn't know. I had him look up what happened to his mother's friends. He had to find out the information on his own. Plus Sam loves to do research on his laptop. I told him to give me a call when he figures it all out. A few days later he gave me a call and I met him at his motel. He told me what he had figured out, but then he started yelling at me to tell him who I really was. I should have known better. I should have known that Sam would never fall for the whole hunter thing. I could tell that Sam was getting upset and I didn't want to hold back the truth from him any more. It was time for him to know the truth. I was scared of what he would do to me if he found out, but I never let my guard down. I told him to calm down and to trust me. He grabbed his flask of holy water and asked me why he should trust me. After much persuading I got him to calm down, but I pulled the biggest lie out of my ass. I told him that I could help him get Dean out of his deal. I knew that if I told him that then he wouldn't hurt me. He would do anything if it meant getting Dean out of his deal. I felt bad lying to Sam, but I knew I had to. After I told Sam about saving Dean I left him to think.

Aug 5, 2007

I spoke to my father today for the first time since before I died. I found him trying to rebuild the Colt, but he was on the wrong track. During my pregnancy I read a book of Annabelle's about building special weapons. I wasn't sure how much truth was to it, but while I was in Hell I asked around to get the true story on how to build the weapons. It has a lot to do with the materials and symbols used on the weapon. What makes the Colt so special is the bullets. They are made out of specific materials and you have to put the right amount of each material or else it will no longer work. The symbols also need to be placed perfectly on the bullets. There is absolutely no messing around when it comes to rebuilding the Colt. My father is an intelligent man, but no human being could figure out what goes into making the Colt besides the creator himself. I don't even know how Samuel Colt figured it out, but he did.

Anyways, I found my father doing some target practice with what he thought was the new, improved Colt. I knew I couldn't let him think he had it right. What if he thought it was rebuilt and then tried to kill a demon with it? That demon might end up killing him because my father was wrong. I couldn't live with that when I knew he didn't do the job. I approached him in the field and told him that the gun wouldn't work on a demon. I knew I had to show him I was a demon to get him to believe me. I showed him my true colors. I knew he would threaten me with the Colt, but I wasn't scared because it wouldn't kill me. He shot me square in the heart, which proved to him that the Colt wouldn't kill a demon. I told him I could help him rebuild the Colt. He was a bit hesitant at first, but after some thought he finally gave in.

I ran off to get the materials while he relaxed at home. Our house didn't look the same as it did when I lived there. It was a complete mess. He had newspapers and trash everywhere. I came back about an hour later with all the supplies we needed. I tried to make small talk with him, but he wasn't really up for talking to a demon. I knew he was uncomfortable with me in the room. While he was finishing up on the gun I decided to check in on how Sam and Dean were doing on their case. Things weren't going so well. Dean was trapped in some basement with a demon while Sam was trying to find him. I knew this wasn't going to end well so I went back to my father's to convince him that Sam and Dean were in trouble. Once I got there my father told me that he had finished the gun. I told him that was great news, but we needed to get going because Sam and Dean were in trouble.

As we were getting into his car I noticed my Mustang sitting in one of the garages. I paused for a moment and started walking towards the car. My father was a bit confused by my reaction to seeing the car. I didn't think he would still have it. I walked over to it and ran my hand across the hood. Before I thought about what I was saying I said under my breath, "I can't believe you still have this." He hadn't heard me properly and asked me to repeat myself. I snapped out of it and told him it was nothing and that we needed to get going.

For most of the car ride my father kept a close eye on me. I wasn't sure if he heard what I said. I couldn't stand the awkwardness in the car anymore so I turned on the radio. I tried to find a station that played some good music, but I couldn't find anything. I turned off the radio and decided to start up a conversation with my father. I asked him if he had any children. I wanted to hear what he had to say about me. He said that he had a daughter, but she died about a year ago. I told him that was terrible and asked him to describe her to me. His words to describe me were more than I could take. He said that I was the best daughter a father could ask for. He admitted that I got out of line sometimes, but I always had others intentions at heart. He also said that I was very intelligent and knew what I wanted. I cared a lot about others and always put them first. He then finally said that he loved me very much and wished that I were still around. I didn't realize it, but my eyes started teary up. He looked over at me and noticed my expression. I turned away from him and looked out the window. I could feel him staring at the back of my head. I was so afraid of what was going to come out of his mouth next. Quietly he said my name, not Ruby, but Sophie. I shut my eyes hoping that this was all a nightmare. He then said my name again, but this time asked if it was I. I took a deep breath, turned around, and told him that my name was Ruby. He corrected me and said my middle name was Ruby, but my first name was Sophie. He could tell by my face that he had figured out my secret.

He pulled over because he was shaking too much. I turned towards him and told him that he cannot tell Sam and Dean about what he figured out. He wanted to know why not. I told him that I didn't want them to know that I became a demon. He still didn't understand. He said that if I just told him who I really was they would trust me. I told him it would just complicate things more and I didn't feel like explaining myself to them. I then asked him to promise me that he wouldn't say anything to Sam and Dean. He finally agreed to keep it a secret. He started asking me some more questions, but I told him that I could explain it while he was driving.

During the rest of the car ride I answered all of my father's questions about Hell and what it felt like to be a demon. I told him about how John Winchester saved me from being an evil demon. He started to ask me about what I planned on doing with Sam when we got to our destination. We pulled up to the house as Sam was facing off with the demon in the priest outfit. I gave the Colt to my father and told him to fire away.

The first shot missed the demon and he sent my father flying into a statue. Soon after he sent Sam flying into a car. He ran off into the house before anyone could stop him. Sam got up to check on my father, but my father just gave him the Colt and told him to go. Sam wanted to stay to make sure my father was okay so I stepped in and told Sam to get moving. As soon as Sam went into the house I ran over to my father to help him up. His leg looked like it was hurting him and his arm was a little scrapped up, but nothing too major. As I was inspecting my father I heard two gunshots and I knew that Sam had finished off the demons. I was proud of him. He shot before he asked any questions. I mean it sucks that he killed two people, but at the same time he killed two demons.

I knew Sam wasn't going to be too happy with what he did, but I had to convince him to keep going. I had to remind him that we are at war and he needs to step up his game. I told him straight out that he needed to be tougher if he wanted to win. I promised to be by his side every step of the way.

Sept 26, 2007

I've been working on getting Sam's trust. I think I am pretty close to getting him to believe that I am not trying to kill him. I've been able to avoid Dean this entire time. I don't know if I will be able to control myself around him. I probably would let my guard down. I need some more time before I approach Dean. Plus Sam has probably told him about me and I can just imagine what Dean's reaction is going to be. He won't care if I have been helpful I am still a demon. He knows that demons can be manipulative and only care about themselves. Now that he has the Colt it really isn't safe to approach him. I'll just have to wait until it is really necessary.

Sam keeps asking me if I have found out how to save Dean yet. I keep telling him that I am working on it, but in the mean time he should savor every moment with his brother. I can't bring myself to tell Sam that I can't really save Dean. Lillith will never give up Dean's soul. Once Dean is in Hell she is going to make sure he gets the special treatment for all the demons he has killed.

Speaking of getting out of their deal I heard that Annabelle is working on getting out of hers. Lillith has met with her, but hasn't come to a decision yet. Annabelle is worried about what Lillith is going to make her do. I had to have a talk with Annabelle because I heard about how she treated the Winchesters when she met them. I heard about what she did from Sam. He wasn't telling on her or anything, but rather just complained about her to me. One day I met up with Sam to give him some words of encouragement when I noticed how annoyed he looked. I asked him what was wrong and he told me that some woman named Bela has been messing with their cases. I knew whom he was talking about, but I asked him to continue to explain what she did. First off he told me that about a couple of months ago she shot him in the shoulder and then now she stole some hand thing that they need to solve their case. He also mentioned that she had Dean's car towed. I'm guessing that I'm looking like an angel right now compared to her. I couldn't believe that Annabelle would do all that. She was so nice to me and never messed around with my stuff.

After Sam gave me this information I left to find Annabelle, but when I found her she looked freaked out. I approached her and told her we needed to talk. She just sat there staring at the ground. I started yelling at her for the way she treated the Winchester, but it didn't look like my words were making an impact on her. I asked her if she was listening to me. She nodded and continued staring at the ground. I finally asked her what was wrong. She finally looked up at me and told me she saw the ship. I was confused and asked her what ship. She told me that whenever someone sees the ship they die within 24 hours. She wasn't ready to die yet. She asked me if I knew what to do, but I was unsure because I didn't know what was causing the ship to be seen. I advised her to ask the Winchesters for help because they might be able to save her. She didn't think they would help her after what she did, but I reassured her that if she went to them with a sincere apology they might help her. I finally had her convinced. As she was driving to the house the Winchesters were staying in I went to visit Sam.

I asked Sam if he knew of a way to stop the ship without the hand. He said he was working on it. He was flipping through his father's journal for some possible leads, but he was having no such luck. I told him to fill me in a little about what was going on. He explained to me what they had so far. I started thinking about what he could do, but I wasn't really coming up with anything. All of a sudden it came to me. I asked him what would happen if we had the spirits of the two brothers meet up. He said it might work. I was about to sit down and look through one of the books when I heard Dean coming. I told Sam I had to go. He looked confused and asked why. I looked by the door where Dean was about to enter. Sam got the message and rolled his eyes. He doesn't understand why I'm so afraid of Dean. I walked into the shadows where I disappeared. I had a good feeling that the Winchesters would help Annabelle out.

I didn't really disappear. I went downstairs into one of the rooms so I could listen in on Sam and Dean while they were talking with Annabelle. After much debating between Dean and Annabelle they finally decided to help her out. I followed them to the cemetery where Sam summoned the spirits of the two brothers. It was a close one, but Annabelle made it out alive.

I went to congratulate Sam afterwards, but he wasn't really in a celebrating mood. He was upset because three people still died. He thinks that he should have been able to save them. I told him to stop beating himself up because he stopped the ship from killing anyone else. He asked me why I cared so much about him. He didn't understand why a demon would want to help him out. I told him that I wanted him to be ready for this war that was coming. He wanted to know why I wanted to fight on his side. I got very defensive and told him I didn't need to explain myself to him. He got offended by this and asked me why I couldn't just give him a straight answer. He said that if I wanted him to trust me I needed to start explaining myself to him. I heard Dean coming again and told Sam that I would give him an explanation soon. I started walking for the door, but Sam started following me asking me why I was so scared of his brother. I just told Sam goodbye and turned the corner. I left to go talk to Annabelle.

I asked her if she learned her lesson about messing with the Winchesters. She said she was very grateful for their help, but wasn't completely through with messing with them. I told her very forcefully to stop messing with them because they never did anything to her. She said it was fun messing with them. I wasn't a big fan of her new attitude. I asked her what made her become such a bitch. She just looked into my eyes and told me that she didn't need to give a demon an explanation. I asked her if she really wanted to go there after I helped her get a meeting with Lillith. She told me to go screw myself. A sudden rage came over me that I have never felt before. I yelled at her to stay away from the Winchesters and then punched her in the face. Then I walked away.

I don't understand why Annabelle is acting like this all of a sudden. She was fine the last time I talked to her, but now she is a mega bitch. I'm sorry I tried to help her get out of her deal. I understand why Sam and Dean can't stand her. She might be acting like this because she doesn't have too much time left until she dies. She might be getting in the not caring stage. Dean seems to already be in that stage, but he doesn't seem to be as bad, yet. Sam complains about it quite a bit.

I keep letting my guard down sometimes around Sam. He starts complaining about Dean and I just listen to him. It is mainly because I want to hear about what is going on with him. I get all my information about Dean from Sam. I usually just let him vent about Dean. I know that he has so much he wants to say to Dean, but he just won't say it. I keep telling him to just confront Dean, but Sam doesn't know how it will help much. I think Sam forgets sometimes that I am a demon because he gets a little too comfortable with what he shares with me. He really shouldn't share some of stuff that he shares with me. For all he knows I could be out to get him this entire time. I need to start being harder on him. I mean I like that he is starting to trust me with more stuff, but he needs to remember that I am a demon. I could easily be manipulating him this whole time. I could be working on getting him to let his guard down so I can kill him. I know that those are not my intentions, but he doesn't know that for sure. I think he forgets that sometimes.

Oct 18, 2007

I watched Deana today. Her parents called me a few days ago to baby-sit her and I accepted their offer. I was a little reluctant at first, but I had a moment of weakness and told them I would do it. She was so adorable. I didn't want her parents to come back home. She is the sweetest, smartest baby I have ever met. I'm not just saying that because I am her mother. She was very easy to watch. She mainly sat on the floor and played with her toys.

At first she was sort of shy, but she warmed up to me eventually. After she played with her toys for a while she asked me to put on "Aladdin." It was so cute how she asked. She found the DVD box to the movie, brought it over to me, and then said, "Please." I couldn't say no to that face. I put in the movie and picked her up to sit on my lap. She sat and watched the entire movie. When it was time to go to bed she didn't put up a fight like most children do her age. She had me read her a bedtime story and then I said goodnight to her. When I said goodnight to her she put her arms up so she could give me a hug. I went and gave her a hug. Then I left the room and turned on the news. Her parents came home around ten and gave me some money for watching her. I could care less if they paid me for watching her, but I guess it is the normal thing to do. They said they would give me a call next time they need a sitter. I don't think I will be able to bring myself to say no. I just need to be careful because if Lillith finds out that I have a daughter she might use her against me.

Nov 9, 2007

I have now watched Deana a total of five times. I can't bring myself to say no to her parents. Deana knows my name already and recognizes me when I walk in the door. As soon as I walk in the door she runs over to me screaming my name and gives my legs a hug. She follows me wherever I go in the house. Whenever we watch a movie she climbs into my lap and sits there for the entire thing. I haven't even been watching her for an entire month. I don't ever want to leave when her parents come home.

I haven't really been around Sam much because I am getting so attached to Deana. I don't think he really minds because I usually just complicate things for him. He thinks that I am working on getting Dean out of his deal. I hate lying to him, but I need him to talk to me.

My father wants me to spend Thanksgiving with him at his house. He says I owe him for the one I bailed on with Dean several years ago. I told him I would think about it. I really don't want to be around him as a demon. I would rather be human and be myself around him. Everyday I am ashamed of what I have become. My father says he doesn't care because he is just happy that his little girl is back. He doesn't like that I have become a demon, but he is glad that I still have a conscious, which is what most demons lack. I suppose that is true, but I'm still not happy with what I have become. My father said that at least I'm able to help Sam out. If I had never become a demon I would have just gone to Heaven and not been of much use to Sam. Yet again that is very true, but I would rather be useless in Heaven than be a demon.

Nov 27, 2007

I spent Thanksgiving with my father. It wasn't anything too exciting. We just got a turkey breast, some stuffing, mashed potatoes, and cranberry sauce. My father made us a pumpkin pie for dessert. I asked my father about what happened while I was dead. He filled me in on the news of the world and he asked me some more questions about Hell. He wanted to know what it was like down there. I told him that it wasn't very much fun. He finally asked the question that I had been waiting for. He wanted to know how I became a demon. He wanted to know what I did in the pit that led me to become one. I was honest with him and I told him that I tortured souls for over a century. I explained to him that I pulled them apart and became a salesperson for several head demons. The look on his face when I told him this is one that I never want to see again. It was a mixture of sorrow and shame.

I decided to change the subject and told him that he is still a grandfather. He looked confused and asked how. I told him that Deana is still alive and well. No demons have tried to kill her yet. He wanted to know how I knew that. I explained to him that Annabelle took care of her for a while, but then gave her away to another family. I found Annabelle and asked her where Deana was and she told me. I went looking for her and found her. I told my father that she is the most adorable child ever and is incredibly smart. He got very defensive all of a sudden and told me to stay away from her. I asked him why. He said that other demons might be watching me and if they see that I have an attachment to her they might use her as bait to get me to do things I don't want to do. I told him that I already thought about that and I am never seen in public with her. Whenever I go to watch her I always draw the blinds so no one or thing can watch us from outside. My father told me that if I knew what was good for her I would stay away. I knew he was right, but I don't want to stay away from her. I love her.

After we were done eating I helped my father clean up the table and the kitchen. We were just sitting on the couch when I remembered my father still had my car. I asked him if I could take it out for a ride. He said that it didn't run anymore because the battery died. I didn't care and went outside to take a look at it. He followed behind and asked if I have talked to Dean yet. I told him that I have been avoiding him this entire time because I'm afraid of how he is going to react to a demon. He understood where I was coming from. I also admitted that I didn't think I would be able to keep up the attitude around him. It didn't take long for my father to figure out who I really was and I don't think it will take Dean that long. As smart as Sam is he is a little slow at figuring those things out. My father said that Dean still asks him sometimes about me. I was confused. Why would Dean ask about me still if he knew that I was dead? It turns out that my father never told Dean that I died. I asked him why he never told him. He said that it was because of how I died. If Dean or Sam found out that I died because of yellow-eyes they would want to kill him even more. He has been telling Dean that I am still living in Europe and that I am hunting around there. He said that he planned on telling Dean I was dead a few months ago, but hasn't been able to bring him the news. I told him that he needed to be informed soon before he finds out some other way. My father said he would tell him soon.

I left soon after this conversation to bring some of the leftovers to Sam. Dean was out with some chick he just met at the bar so Sam was all by himself. I decided to knock this time with my arrival. I brought him everything that was leftover plus an extra slice of pie for Dean because I know that Dean enjoys his pie. He wanted to know where I got the food from, but I reassured him that I didn't steal it from anybody. He commented on how it all looked homemade and that it would just be nice to get a straight answer out of me for once. He was about to take a bite of stuffing when I grabbed the fork out of his hand while also taking the rest of the food. He asked what that was for. I told him that if he can't appreciate my kind gesture then he doesn't deserve the food. He rolled his eyes and said that he was sorry and appreciated me bringing him a Thanksgiving feast. He then asked if he could have the food back because he was starving. I asked him how he doesn't know if I poisoned the food or anything. I am demon and could easily bring him poisoned food. He said he trusts that I didn't poison his food. I asked him why he trusts me. He explained that I have had several opportunities to kill him, but haven't taken them. I was really just messing with him and gave him his food back. He asked me if I wanted any of the food, but I told him that I already ate some of it.

I was just lying down on his bed while he ate when he started telling me about Thanksgivings past. He said that he hasn't had a real Thanksgiving dinner since 2004. I knew which one he was talking about, but I pretended to not even be listening. He said things seemed so much simpler during that time. Jess was alive and Dean was happier. He started telling the story of when he punched me. I wanted to join in on the story so badly, but I knew that I would really confuse him if I already knew what happened. He doesn't even know that I died. He said that that was the first time he had ever hit a girl for no real reason. I then finally sat up and asked him why he punched her. He didn't really know why he did it, but once he did it he regretted it. I decided to ask him what happened to Sophie. He said that he hasn't talked to her in a few years, but Bobby says that she is traveling Europe.

I decided that it was time to tell him the truth. I told him that Bobby has been lying to him. I explained to him that Sophie has been dead for the past year or so. Sam told me to shut up and to not lie to him. I could tell that he was upset by this news. I told him it was true and I know that it is because I met Sophie down in Hell. He said that was a lie because Sophie would never go to Hell; she didn't do worth going to Hell. He wanted me to prove to him that Sophie was dead. I asked him how he wanted me to prove that. I told him to give Bobby a call and ask him. Sam grabbed his phone and called Bobby. I knew that my father wouldn't lie to Sam any more. He wasn't going to be happy that I came clean, but I feel that Sam and Dean need to know that I am dead. I just lied down on the bed while Sam talked to my father. My father told Sam that it was true that I have been dead for over a year, but didn't tell him because he would want even more vengeance. Sam was yelling at my father telling him that they had a right to know that she was dead. He said that Sophie was basically family and was the love of Dean's life for over a year. I could hear my father apologizing on the other end, but Sam wasn't very happy with my father.

After Sam got off the phone with my father he started calling Dean. I jumped off the bed and asked him what he was doing. He said that he was going to give Dean the news. I told him that there was no need to ruin Dean's mood. Sam didn't care he wanted Dean to know about this ASAP. When Dean answered the phone I could tell that he was in the middle of something with the chick. He told Sam that it better be important. Sam didn't waste any time and told Dean that I, Sophie, was dead. There was silence on the other end. Sam asked Dean if he heard him. Dean said he heard him and wanted to know when this happened. Sam told him that it happened about a year and a half ago. Dean shouted, "What?!" into the phone. If I were in the bathroom with the door shut I would have heard him. Dean said he was heading back to the room to get the details. I told Sam that was my cue to exit. I reminded him to give a slice of the pie to his brother, but not to tell him it was from me because he might think I poisoned it. Sam thanked me for giving him the information. I told him it was no problem and I felt that he should know the truth.

Dec 16, 2007

So Deana's parents have asked me to watch her for New Year's Eve because they have a big party they are going to. I know I should say no, but I want to watch her so badly. What else am I going to do that night?

My father offered to have Christmas at his house if I wanted to join him. I asked him if it was just going to be the two of us. He said that he didn't have any plans of inviting anyone else. I told him that I would think about it.

Dec 26, 2007

Christmas was very boring for me. I went over to my father's house and had some dinner. I told him not to get me anything and he followed my request. He said that he didn't know what to get a demon. I knew he was joking, but I didn't find it very funny. I didn't get him anything either because I don't want him to get too attached to me. I like that my father talks to me and keeps me informed, but he really needs to remember that I am still a demon. Plus I don't want Lillith knowing that he is my father. Who knows what she would do to him if she found out. I was going to bring Sam and Dean the leftovers from our Christmas meal, but when I showed up at their motel I saw that they were having their own little Christmas party. I didn't want to interrupt. I know that this is Dean's last Christmas on Earth. Christmas isn't the same in Hell.

I did get a present for Deana. I couldn't resist. I had to put the money I earned from babysitting her to good use. I bought her several things. I got her a new dress, a Barbie doll, and a new teddy bear to sleep with. She really liked the teddy bear. She wouldn't put it down after she opened it. That night she hugged it tightly as she went to sleep. Her parents thanked me for being so generous. I told them that I couldn't watch Deana for New Year's because I already had plans. They said that was a shame and hired another sitter for the night. It was hard for me to say no, but I know that I need to start leaving Deana alone. My father is right. What if Lillith finds out that she is my daughter? She could threaten to kill her.


	9. Year 2008

Jan 10, 2008

The New Year is upon us. I just realized that it is going to be Dean's birthday soon. He is going to be 29 this year. I really want to be able to wish him a happy birthday, but he will probably shoot me. I know that Dean doesn't trust me. Sam tells me all the time. He really wants me to meet Dean so Dean will stop hassling him about me. I told him that I would reveal myself to his brother when the time is right. I can tell that Sam feels guilty talking to me. He probably gets enough grief from Dean for talking to me and trusting me. I have to admit that Sam is getting better. He is starting to realize that we are at war. He is no longer a hunter, but a soldier.

Sam has been trying to get me to tell him what Hell was like. I know why he wants to know. He wants to know what Dean is going to have to live through. I keep telling him that I will not tell him because it won't help him any. I did make the mistake of asking Sam what he was going to do for Dean's birthday. He wanted to know how I knew when his birthday was. He then remembered that I was a demon and took back the question. He said that he didn't have any plans for his birthday because they never did anything. I told him he should do something because Dean is his older brother and would do anything for him. Sam wanted to know what I had in mind. I told him I didn't know Dean that well, but he should do something fun. They should do something to get their minds off of things for a while. He said he would think about it.

Jan 28, 2008

I was bad and got something for Dean for his birthday. I didn't tell him it was from me, but he was confused as to where it came from. It wasn't anything too special. I just bought him a cherry pie and put on there that it is to only be eaten by Dean. Sam told me about it later and asked me if I knew where it came from. I told him that I honestly didn't know. Dean didn't really care. He ate it anyways.

Feb 4, 2008

So I've finally introduced myself to Dean. His reaction to me was exactly what I expected. I had no choice but to show up with him there. I needed to warn them both about the demon they were hunting. She was working with Lillith and wanted nothing but to kill Sam. If she killed Sam she would be extremely famous in the demon world. Sam and Dean both had to leave town.

As soon as Sam said my name Dean became suspicious. He did exactly what I thought he would do. He immediately grabbed the Colt and threatened me with it. I knew he wouldn't shoot right away, but there was nothing stopping him from pulling the trigger. However Sam came to my defense. The entire time Dean was pointing the gun at me I could see in Sam's eyes that he didn't want Dean to do it. Dean was pissing me off the entire time. I was trying to be nice and give them a warning and he just kept interrupting me. I was trying to tell them both about the demon that the witches served. Sam was talking to me and making the connections, but Dean just kept telling him not to believe me. As if I didn't remember what I was Dean kept reminding Sam. The entire time Dean just kept calling me names. He drew the line when he called me a bitch. I have done nothing but helped them and he calls me the bitch. I have saved them several times and that was the thanks I got. Sam kept trying to get Dean to calm down, but he wouldn't lower the gun. Dean and I really started getting into an argument and I said some things that needed to be said. I guess I had drawn the line because before I knew it Dean wasn't just threatening me with the gun anymore. Dean held the Colt up again and was about to pull the trigger when Sam stepped in front of Dean and pushed his arm up so he couldn't shoot me. I knew that was my cue to exit, but I couldn't really just leave.

I decided to watch the witches to find out what their next move was. I knew which one was the real demon amongst them. I had served her before. While I was in Hell I did some things for her. I worked for her while I was working for Alistair. She is the main reason that I am a demon today. The things I did for her are unforgivable. I was her favorite until I got my conscience back. I worked for her for about fifty years. She was much more powerful than Dean and Sam could handle.

Her coven had started their little ritual for the night. I started listening to what they were saying when I realized what they were doing. They were killing Dean. The spell they were using was the darkest magic imaginable. It didn't need a hex bag. There was only one way to stop it and I knew how. There was this special well that was blessed, or cursed depending on how you looked at it. The water in the well is supposed to stop any sort of spell from working on you. It didn't matter how dark the magic was. I grabbed a canteen to put the water into. I went straight to their room and kicked down the door. Dean thought that I was there to kill him, but I knew I had to be forceful with him if I wanted to save his life. I threw him onto the bed and sprayed the water into his mouth. He tried to put up a fight, but I wasn't going to give in. He was going to drink that water no matter what. I just kept spraying until I knew he swallowed it. I knew that saving him would help get me points, but I didn't do it for his trust. I saved him because I don't want to see Dean die. I still love him very much and can't let him die yet. After I finished saving him I knew he wanted to thank me, but I stopped him because I knew he would never get the words out. I told him to stop calling me a bitch and then left shortly after.

I went to the house the witches were at and found Sam pinned to the wall. I had to think of a plan to get her to let go of him. I was about to walk in when Dean beat me to it. He kicked down the door and ran into the house. It didn't take long for him to get pinned to the wall too. That was when I decided to just wing it. It didn't really work the way I was hoping. I decided to pretend that I wanted to join her again. I wanted to serve under her and that I brought her the Winchesters as proof. I wasn't sure if she was buying it, but it looked like she was taking the bait. I pulled the knife out of its holster quickly and was about to stab her when she grabbed it out of my hands and started beating me up. She threw me across the room and hit me with a fire poker. It was more pain than I thought I could feel as a demon. She then revealed to Sam and Dean that I worked for her, but she decided to throw a bit of a lie in there. She told them that I was a witch while I was human. I'm not sure what the point of that was, but it got Sam and Dean curious. She then started to exorcise me, but she didn't get to finish because one of her witches started using a spell on her. It didn't last very long before she ended up killing the witch, but it was long enough for Dean to run over, grab my knife, and stab the demon back to Hell.

After Dean stabbed her he gave me this look. I'm not really sure how to explain it, but it looked sort of like he wanted to make sure I was okay. It sort of looked like he cared about me for a moment. I thought maybe he didn't hate me so much. He helped Sam up and they picked up the Colt. They stopped by me and I could tell that Sam wanted to talk and make sure I was okay, but I told them they needed to leave. I didn't like that they found out what I had done in Hell. Sam kept turning around because he didn't want to leave me to clean up by myself. I hated what I did, but I showed him my black eyes again. I had to remind him that I was a demon and I would heal just fine. Dean finally pushed him out of the house.

Cleaning up the mess wasn't all that easy. There were three dead bodies in the house. I had to make sure that Sam and Dean didn't get in trouble for any of it. I cleaned off the fingerprints from everything and made it look like someone broke into the house and murdered the women. The entire time I was cleaning up I was thinking that I had to talk to Dean. Now that we were formally introduced to one another I had to get him to help with Sam. If anyone can get through to Sam it is Dean.

As soon as I was done cleaning up I went to their motel. Lucky for me I caught Dean just as he was getting a snack from the vending machine. I gave him a talk about how I was human once. When he asked me when I was human I made up a time period. For some reason my first response was when the plague was around. I knew he wanted to ask me if he was going to become a demon, but he just wouldn't spit the words out. I told him he could count on becoming a demon sooner or later. He then finally asked me if there was any way of saving him from going to Hell. I couldn't lie to him. I couldn't tell him that I could save him. I told him the truth that there was no way of saving him and that I just told Sam so he would talk to me. I finally told him that I needed his help with getting Sam ready for life without him. I was about to leave when Dean asked me why I cared if they won. I admitted to him that I remembered what it felt like to be human. I knew he was going to ask me some more questions, but I had to leave. I had already shared too much with him. If I had stayed much longer who knows what I might have told him. I was already letting my guard down around him. I could see him trying to read me the entire time I was talking to him. He was trying to figure me out. As I was responding to his question I realized that I answered the question pretty close to how I would answer it. He was starting to look at me very closely and I knew it was time to leave. I waited until he was looking away to go. I wanted to just tell him it was me, but after what he was told about me I am truly ashamed to tell him the truth. I can't be around Dean for very long. I might just shout it at him that I'm Sophie. I need to keep my distance from him.

Feb 16, 2008

My father is in the hospital. The doctors say he just went to sleep and didn't wake up. I had been keeping an eye on him for a few days because I knew he was working a job. I left for maybe an hour when I came back and there was an ambulance outside of his motel room. I saw them carry him out and put him in the ambulance. I followed them to the hospital where I found out the diagnosis from the doctor. I was in the middle of talking to the doctor when I heard Sam and Dean coming down the hall. I had to get out of there because they would be curious as to why I'm hanging around Bobby. I pretended like my cell went off and told the doctor I had to go. I know it has something to do with the case he's been working on, but I'm not sure what it is. Hopefully Sam and Dean can figure it out. I can't help them on this case because my emotions will get in the way. I already let my guard down once with Dean I can't do it again. They will be questioning why I care so much about Bobby when they think I only met him once. I have to keep my distance from them until my father is saved.

Feb 20, 2008

No worries. Sam and Dean brought my father back. I was so worried the entire time my father was in the hospital. I stayed by his side whenever the Winchesters weren't around. The case wasn't solved though so my father stuck around to help Sam and Dean. Annabelle was also there helping for some reason. I didn't trust her as far as I could throw her. My father felt the same way, but Sam and Dean said she was there to help. I tried to ask Annabelle what her deal was, but she just told me that she didn't need to explain herself to me. She seemed very anxious the entire time she was there, but she was being helpful. I'm still not sure what her true intentions were. She claims that she owed my father for saving her life once in Flagstaff. My father has no clue what she is talking about. He has never saved her life. I'll have to keep a close eye on her.

Feb 27, 2008

I absolutely hate myself for what I did to Sam, but it was to teach him a lesson. I just hope he got the point. I've realized lately that all Sam seems to focus on is saving Dean. He doesn't seem to care about anything else. I had overheard some demons talking about how Dean is Sam's weakness and once Dean is gone Sam will be an easy target. I had to make him realize that he and Dean need to stop sacrificing themselves for one another. I knew it couldn't be me to give them a message. I've already tried to give Sam the message, but he just doesn't listen. I remembered my father telling me about when they hunted a trickster. After some research I found one nearby. Little did I know this was the same trickster that Sam and Dean dealt with before.

I met up with him and asked him for his help. He wanted to know what he got out of it. I told him that I wouldn't kill him for starters. He told me that there was no way I could kill him. I then showed him my true self and he decided to help me. I told him to do anything he could to teach the lesson to Sam. I didn't think he would go this far. He basically had Sam reliving Dean's death, but in different ways each time. At first I thought he would just kill Dean a few times, but I think he was starting to have too much fun. He kept thinking of funnier ways for Dean to die.

After living through one hundred of Dean's deaths Sam finally figured out what was causing all this. He threatened to take the trickster's life, but the trickster wasn't going to go without a fight and decided to mess with Sam one more time. This time he dragged out how long Dean was dead for. He dragged out Dean's death for months. Sam was going crazy trying to find the trickster to get Dean back. I kept pleading with the trickster to bring him back. I told him that this lesson was going too far and innocent people might end up dead. He wasn't giving in very easily. I finally had to use my demon abilities to get the point across to him. I haven't had to use them since I became one, but I still taught myself how to use them. I pinned him against the wall with my mind and pulled out my knife. He laughed when he saw it because he didn't realize what knife I was threatening him with. I went over to him and told him to stop it now. I brought the knife to his eye and told him that if he doesn't bring Dean back right now I would do it. He finally got the point and went to talk to Sam. He revealed to Sam that this was all a lesson and that he and Dean need to stop sacrificing themselves for each other. Sam didn't really seem to get the message he just kept looking at the trickster with his puppy dog eyes. It is so hard to say no to Sam when he uses his puppy dog eyes. Eventually the trickster brought Dean back.

I hope that after all this Sam finally gets the point. I hope I didn't have to put Sam through all that for no reason. We'll have to wait and see.

Mar 3, 2008

Today is Deana's birthday. I had to see her on her birthday. I've been good these past few months, but I couldn't stay away for her birthday. I decided to change bodies very quickly so she wouldn't recognize me. Her parents threw her a good size party with the local kids and their parents. There was a tower of presents on a table and a huge cake with pink frosting. I swear Deana still knew it was I in a different body because when she saw me she smiled really big like she knew me. Maybe she can tell it is I because I am her mother. I could just be imagining things. I wanted to get her something, but I was good and didn't get anything. She was so happy at her party. I couldn't be happier with who ended up as her parents. Annabelle stuck to her word of putting her in a good home.

It would have been my birthday soon too. I would have been 23 years old. I feel so much older than that now because of all the time I spent in Hell. I wonder what I would have been doing now if I were human. Would I have come back to Dean since Azazel was dead? Would Deana be as happy as she is now if I were her mother? Would I be happy? I'll never know the answers to these questions. I don't know if I would have gone back to be with Dean. Dean might not have taken me back because he only had one year left to live. I might have had to fight Sam for the title of queen. I would never be able to kill Sam. That might have been a good thing. Sam might not have died and Dean might not have had to sell his soul for Sam. There are so many different things that could have happened as a result of me being a live still. I suppose I could have avoided death by having an abortion, but then Deana would never have been born.

Mar 10, 2008

I cannot believe the Winchesters right now. First off Annabelle stole the Colt from them. Then they don't go through with my foolproof plan to save them. I was even willing to risk my own life for them, but they shot it down and now innocent people are dead because of them. Their plan could have worked if one of Lillith's soldiers hadn't escaped and told her the news. The Winchesters were idiots and thought they had killed Lillith. Did they really think it was going to be that easy? Did they really think Lillith would be that stupid? They underestimate how powerful Lillith can be. Sam needs to be smarter than that if he wants to survive without Dean.

I'm so scared about what is going to happen to Sam after Dean dies. This time it was completely his fault that he hesitated on my plan. It was Dean who wouldn't go through with it. Sam was ready to cooperate, but Dean told him it was not going to happen.

I was able to keep my composure around Dean for most of the time. If I felt myself slipping I would leave the room. He also wasn't as bad this time with me. He might have called me a name once or twice, but nothing like he did before. He was a little less hostile towards me. I almost had a normal conversation with him, well normal for a demon and a human.

There was one time that I really had to leave because I was very close to letting my guard down. When I had walked into the room Dean was looking at something. It looked like a picture. He looked so sad while looking at it. I thought maybe it was a picture of his father or mother. Either way I decided to be nosey and asked what he was looking at. He was a little hesitant at first, but after some thought he decided to show me. Once I saw the picture I had to collect myself. It was a picture of the two of us when we were together. I couldn't believe he still had a picture of us. I took a deep breath and asked who was in the picture with him. He told me it was his ex-girlfriend. Before I could ask any follow up questions he started telling me all about his relationship with me, Sophie. He was telling me about how he really cared about her and missed her. I thought I was doing fine, but when he started tearing up I knew I had to leave. Luckily Sam came in to talk to Dean.

I need to focus on Lillith for a while. She is starting to go after Sam harder than before. I also need to get Sam ready for the war. I keep thinking he is ready and then he does stuff like he did tonight. I still can't believe they let Annabelle take the Colt from them. They're first mistake was having her in the room while they opened the safe with the Colt. I'm also going to have to track her down to get it back from her. I need to be careful though because she could easily just shoot me with it. I have a feeling Lillith is behind her stealing it.

Mar 29, 2008

I was right. Lillith was behind Annabelle stealing the Colt. I tracked down Annabelle and waited until she was without the gun. I came in furious and pinned her against the wall with my abilities. I asked her where the Colt was. She told me it was somewhere that I could never get to it. I asked her if she knew what she was getting herself into. She doesn't want the Winchesters on her bad side. She told me she didn't care because she was dead in a month anyways. I was confused because I thought she stole the Colt so she was out of her deal. It came as no surprise to me that Lillith changed her mind. I could have told Annabelle that the deal was no good. Stealing the Colt was amateur work for Annabelle. I asked her what Lillith wanted her to do instead. She said she didn't know because Lillith hasn't told her yet. I couldn't believe Annabelle. I just wanted to smack her for being an idiot. I finally let her go and told her to make this last month a live worth while.

April 19, 2008

Annabelle has only a few weeks left to live unless Lillith gets her out of the deal. It could happen, but Dean is going to die no matter what. He has only a month left to live. I know I haven't been around him much, but I'm still going to miss him. Knowing that he is going to have to spend all that time down in Hell doesn't make things easier. It makes things that much harder for me. I know what he is going to have to live through every day while he is down there. One day he is going to come back as a demon like I did. Hopefully he will be able to hold on to his humanity, but that seems doubtful because I haven't met another demon that has. I'm the only one I know of. At times I wish I didn't remember what it meant to be human. Life would be so much easier for me. I wouldn't feel like such an outcast, but I guess I've sort of been one my entire life.

I've been staying away from Sam for the past few weeks. I decided to give him some time with Dean alone. The last thing he wants is some demon reminding him that there is a war coming. I've popped in here and there to make sure he doesn't forget, but otherwise I've stayed away. Instead of hanging around him all the time I have been using my time wisely by keeping a close eye on Lillith. It is hard to get close enough to know what she is planning because she can sense me when I am near. I can just tell it is something big. She is recruiting more and more demons to her side. There were some willing to fight under Sam, but since he won't step up they have changed sides.

May 3, 2008

Sam just had his 25th birthday, but wasn't really up for celebrating. He is focusing on getting Dean out of his deal. Dean doesn't even have a month left until he bites the bullet. Sam keeps asking me when I am going to get Dean out of his deal because it is getting very close. I finally admitted to him that I couldn't help his brother. Sam became furious with me and asked me how I could lie to him. I reminded him that I was a demon and that it is part of our M.O. He asked me what else I lied to him about. I told him that was none of his business. Then I told him to enjoy the last few weeks with his brother.

May 10, 2008

Annabelle is officially dead. She died last night. I really was rooting for her to get out of her deal, but she didn't. She almost got out of it, but the Winchesters caught on to her plan. Lillith wanted her to kill them, but Dean found out about Annabelle's deal and booked it out of there before she could do anything. I of course observed from the sidelines. Before she died Annabelle told Dean who holds his contract. I knew that was a bad move. Now all he wants to do is kill Lillith to get himself out of the deal. I hope I can get my dad to talk some sense into the two idjits. They can't go in there with no plan. They don't even know how Lillith works. She is no idiot and does not go unprotected. She has a handful of demon soldiers surrounding the area to make sure someone like me doesn't try anything on her.

Dean only has about a week or so left to live. I haven't talked to Sam or Dean in about a week because I know that right now will be a difficult time. Maybe I should step in because I know what they are up to. I wasn't born yesterday. I know how the Winchester mind works. I can picture it now. Dean running in guns blazing, but by the time he reaches Lillith he's dead, along with Sam.

There is one way that Sam could save Dean. He would never consider the option. If he learned how to use his abilities he could kill Lillith or scare her enough to let Dean out of his contract. Sam would never go for the option unless he was truly desperate which he might be soon. Dean wouldn't be too happy if I taught Sam how to use his abilities, but if it saves him he shouldn't care. Knowing Dean he will care no matter what.

June 19, 2008

Goddamn Lillith! She is such a bitch. Because of her I was sent back to Hell. Obviously I got back out, but not after I did a few more things that I regret. I'm not really sure where to start there are so many things to talk about. I could start with the events prior to my trip back down to Hell.

I didn't plan on seeing Dean the day that he was supposed to die. I was just going to avoid him and try to move past it, but Sam summoned me to the basement of some abandoned house. He wanted my knife so he could go after Lillith. I knew that going in with one knife was not going to help the Winchesters win this fight. If Sam really wanted to save his brother he would learn how to use his abilities to kill Lillith. Lillith is scared of Sam and what he might be able to do to her. I almost had Sam convinced until Dean showed up.

Dean really knows how to get my blood boiling sometimes. He and I started fighting about me being a demon and untrustworthy. I couldn't believe what I was saying and before I knew it he and I got into a huge fight. When I say a fight I don't just mean shouting back and forth I mean we were throwing punches. I even punched Sam a few times. I don't really know why I did it, but I blame the demon side of me. My demon instinct took over and I just fought them. I would have won if Dean hadn't drawn a devil's trap on the ceiling. Little did I know Dean had stolen the knife out of its holster. He left me down in the basement to rot.

Lucky for me my father happened to come downstairs in search of Sam and Dean. He spotted me down there and asked me what happened. I told him the cliff notes version of how Dean beat me up. At first he was very angry with Dean, but then I reminded him that I was a demon and it was bound to happen eventually. He broke the devil's trap so I could leave. I told him to go with Sam and Dean. I planned on meeting up with them later.

I arrived at the house Lillith was at way before them, but scoped out the place to find out who in the town was possessed. Every single person on the block was possessed besides the family. I had to lie low until the Winchesters arrived because I had no weapon any more since Dean stole my knife.

When I finally found the Winchesters I pinned Dean to the fence and told him to give me my knife back. I didn't like not having it and I knew he would be stupid with it. Did he really think he would get Lillith with a knife? Little to my knowledge Sam really had the knife and threatened me with it. I knew he wouldn't really try anything. He did call me a bitch for the first time. While we were in the middle of saying hello to each other Lillith's soldiers tracked us down and were heading for us. We bolted for the house Lillith was in. We barely made it, but thanks to my dad and his brilliant mind the sprinklers stopped them.

We went into the house to find Lillith. The father of the little girl Lillith was possessing came out of the closet and told us where to find her. He started getting frantic so Dean knocked him out. Sam and I split up from Dean to find Lillith. When we got to the top of the stairs we each went into different rooms. Once I split up from Sam, Lillith sent me straight to Hell and took over my body.

Right away I knew I had to come back to help Sam. Dean wasn't getting saved and Sam needed someone to help him grieve. My father will be there, but my father isn't very good at comforting people. I went to Lillith and begged her to bring me back to Earth. I told her I would join her army if it meant getting out of Hell. She wanted me to prove it. The things she had me do to prove that I was loyal to her are unforgivable. The worst thing of all was I had to torture Dean. I was only in Hell for about a week in Earth's time and I tortured Dean almost every day that I was down there. Luckily in Hell he couldn't recognize me. I was so afraid that I would look like Sophie again and he would recognize me, but he didn't. Lillith finally told me that I had proven myself so far, but had one more task to do. She wanted me to track down Sam and kill him. Once Sam was dead I could officially join her army. I told her I would do it.

Right now I have one other demon with me to help me kill Sam. The minute I find him I plan on killing the demon with me. I'm going to be on the run after this. Lillith is going to want me dead more than anything else. As long as I have Sam by my side Lillith won't touch me. She will be too scared. Apparently after Dean was killed Lillith tried to go after Sam, but for some reason her abilities wouldn't work on him. He was able to block them. This really has her scared because now she has to have actual skills if she plans on killing Sam.

June 22, 2008

Sam is a complete mess. All he does is drink to keep from dealing with Dean's death. I would understand if he did this the first week or two since his death, but it has been over a month since Dean died. I can't believe it myself that Dean is dead, but he is and there is nothing we can do about it. Sam is willing to do anything to get him back. He had Dean buried incase he finds a way. I want to be positive and support Sam's ideas, but I need to be realistic. There is no way to bring Dean back. I would do anything if it meant bringing Dean back, but there is nothing I really can do.

I need to get Sam to stop drinking. I need him to focus on killing Lillith. He is the only one who can stop her because he is immune to her demon abilities. I keep asking him if he wants to talk about it, but he keeps saying I won't understand because I'm a demon. I cringe every time he tells me that. I tried to take the bottle away from him, but he just shoved me and took it back. He is just so angry all the time.

I killed the other demon that was with me when I tracked down Sam. I knew right at that moment that there was no turning back. I officially became a target for Lillith again, but as long as I am near Sam she won't come after me.

Sam reeked of alcohol when I found him. After I revealed I was Ruby he eased up, but he made me get out of the body I inhabited. I was totally fine with that because I didn't like being in a body that was conscious of what was going on. I could hear the human inside of me fighting me. She was begging me to get out of her body. I didn't like it one bit, but I knew I had to get to Sam so I found the closest body. I ended up finding a Jane Doe who was about to get the plug pulled on her so I went into her body. I even brought the papers to Sam to prove that the body was a vegetable with no family. Sam relaxed once he saw the papers.

Sam says he wants to learn how to use his abilities, but he won't stop drinking. I told him that he needed to have a clear head. He just won't listen to me when I tell him this. He can be so stubborn sometimes.

July 2, 2008

I swear I am going to kill Lillith the next time I see her. You will not believe what she did. She killed Deana. I should have known she would do something like that since I betrayed her, but she didn't have to go after my daughter. I don't even know how she found out about her. I hadn't seen her since March. Maybe she had been watching me from a distance and figured out that Deana meant something to me.

I found out through another demon that Sam had been working on. Sam had finally agreed to focus on using his abilities and wanted to know what to do. He hasn't stopped drinking all together, but he isn't drinking as much. I told Sam what he could do and how to work on it. He is still very rusty, but he will only get better with practice. He can only take so much in a day because he gets headaches and nose bleeds. I remember what the headaches feel like and I don't want to put him through that for too long.

Anyways, Sam was in the middle of working on the demon when he turned to me and told me that Lillith knows about Deana. Sam looked confused and wanted to know who Deana was. I ignored him and told the demon I didn't really care if she knew about her. He told me I should care because Lillith killed her. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The rage in me took over and I stabbed the guy to kill the demon. Sam was about to ask me what that was about when I told him I had to go.

I had to make sure the demon wasn't lying to me. I went straight to her parents' house and found them crying in the living room. I still didn't believe that she was dead. They could have been crying for some other reason. I checked the obituaries in the newspaper and found one about Deana. It listed where and when her funeral was going to be held. The funeral was just one day away. I decided to stay the night there so I could go to the funeral. I tried to stay hidden during the funeral, but her mother spotted me and asked how I knew Deana. I decided to be honest with her and told her I was her biological mother. She was surprised to see me there, but invited me over to talk afterwards. I told her I couldn't and left. I knew what she wanted to talk about. She was going to tell me all about Deana and probably share pictures with me. I wouldn't be able to take it.

I left the funeral and went back to Sam. Sam wanted to know where I had been and who this Deana person was. I told him I didn't feel like talking about her, but that I would tell him about her when the time I right. He didn't understand why I couldn't tell him now. I yelled at him to leave it alone and then stormed off to the other room. He came in about an hour later to apologize for pushing me for information.

July 16, 2008

Sam is improving on his abilities, but he can't quite get the demon fully out of the body yet. He is always so close, but then he stops. I really want him to get this ability down. We could save a lot of lives. I wouldn't need to use my knife as much. I think if Sam stopped drinking all together and kept his head clear he could nail this. I also feel like part of him is hearing Dean's voice in the back of his head. He knows that if Dean were alive he would be ashamed of Sam for using his demon abilities.

July 26, 2008

You will not believe what Sam and I did last night. We were having another practice for Sam. He was so close this time to getting the demon out of the body, but right at the last moment the demon reentered the body. I ended up stabbing the demon back to Hell. Sam was so depressed because he had failed. He went straight for the liquor to help with the pain. I tried once again to comfort Sam. I told him to give it time to deal with Dean's death, but yet again he wouldn't hear it. He still didn't understand how I could identify with what he was feeling.

I couldn't stand seeing him like that. I just wanted to comfort him some how. I wanted to hold Sam in my arms and tell him everything was going to get better, but he pushed my hand away when I tried to caress his face. I could see all the emotions he was holding inside. His eyes were full of so much sadness and anger. I thought about how I would comfort Dean in this situation. I mean before I became a demon and left him. I would have given him a kiss that showed him how much I loved and cared about him. I decided to try that on Sam. I had a feeling he would turn me down, but it was a long shot. I went in for the kiss and thought everything was going smoothly until Sam pushed me away.

He started saying that it was wrong because I was a demon. I was tired of hearing him say that. I wanted to prove to him that I was much more than just a demon. I went over to where he was sitting and knelt down so that we were face to face. I made him touch my body to show him that it was all me inside of the body. I kept telling him how wrong it was while almost kissing him. I could see him trying to give in, but restraining at the same time. He finally grabbed my face and kissed me with so much force. I climbed into his lap while continuing to kiss him. He was so rough with me; it was kind of a turn on. We ended up having sex right there on the cold cement floor. It was so different from when we had sex when I was human. When I was human he was so gentle with me, but this time he didn't really care how gentle he was. I think part of the reason he acted that way was because of all the anger stored up inside. I definitely think this technique helped a little with making Sam feel better. We didn't cuddle or anything afterwards, but I know Sam recognizes that I care a lot about him.

Aug 3, 2008

Sam almost got himself killed. If it weren't for me coming in and saving his ass Lillith would have been celebrating. Sam got a lead on where Lillith could possibly be. He took my knife from me and said he was going to go after Lillith. I told him he wasn't ready and needed a better plan or he was going to end up dead. I could tell by his face that that was his plan all along. He wanted to die. He was going to have himself killed by Lillith. I knew I couldn't let him do this. Since Dean is no longer around to protect Sam I knew I had to do it. I had to think of what Dean would say. I had to get through to Sam. He pinned me against the wall and put the knife up to my throat. He challenged me to try to stop him. I let him go, but I followed him from a distance. I knew that Lillith wasn't stupid enough to be so close.

I watched from the window to make sure Sam was okay. As soon as I saw the demons attacking him I ran into the house to save him. The demon holding him against the wall was really doing a number on Sam. I came in and stabbed the guy not beating up Sam with the knife. I then pulled the demon off of Sam and told him to take the little girl that was being held hostage outside. Sam did as he was told, but I stayed inside to take care of the other demon. At first I was winning, but then he got the upper hand. He was telling me all about the things Lillith had planned for me downstairs. I was afraid that I was about to get killed again when the demon started coughing all of a sudden. I looked past him and saw Sam with his hand outstretched pulling the demon out of the body. He had finally succeeded in pulling out the demon. I could tell he was in a lot of pain though.

I'm so proud of Sam for learning how to use his new ability. Now we don't have to always kill the person inside the body being possessed. I know Dean wouldn't approve of Sam using his abilities, but it needs to be done. I want nothing more than to see Lillith rot in Hell for all eternity. I wish it could be me who kills her, but I won't be able to get very close to her before she sends me back to Hell. Sam still isn't ready to take on Lillith, but with some more practice he could definitely be a match against her.

Aug 14, 2008

Sam found out my secret. He knows who I truly am. I blame myself. I slipped up and said something only I would know. Here's what happened.

Sam and I had just finished having sex again when I decided to make a joke. The joke is what gave me away. We were lying there catching our breath when I leaned over to him and said, "Luckily I can't get pregnant this time." Sam looked at me confused and asked me to repeat myself. I caught what I had said and told him he should have listened the first time.

He didn't say anything right away, but he watched me much more carefully for the next few days. My dad called me and told me that he thinks Sam figured me out. Apparently Sam started making the connection in his head and asked my father what he thought of his theory. My father told him it could be possible. I was so nervous.

Sam finally confronted me. He did it similar to how my father did it. This time he caught me a little off guard. I was in the middle of putting my bag together when Sam said, "So who are exorcising today, Sophie?" I wasn't really paying attention and started responding to his question when I stopped part way through and asked him what he called me. He came towards me and told me he had me figured out. I played dumb, but Sam wasn't going to let it go until I told him the truth. He was scaring me with how forceful he was being. I asked him why it mattered who I truly was. That was when he backed off me and told me it changed everything. I finally gave in and told him it was I. He then asked me why I kept it a secret from him for so long. He believes things would have been easier if I had told him the truth. I told him I couldn't live with what I had become and didn't want them knowing what I had become. Sam reassured me that it could have been worse.

Sam finally asked me if that was why I stayed away from Dean all the time. I told him about how I couldn't face Dean because of how I left things with him. I also knew that Dean would figure me out pretty quickly if I stuck around. Sam wanted to know why I left Dean in the first place. I told him the truth about Azazel and the nightmare. Sam was completely taken aback by this. It didn't make sense that I was one of the special children. I was two years younger than Sam. I told him that I didn't know why I was chosen, but I was.

Sam asked me one more question before I cut him off. He wanted to know who Deana was. I had a feeling he already knew who she was. The name sort of gives it away. I decided that since I was coming clean about everything else I might as well explain this one to him. I told him about Deana and what she meant to me. He became furious. Not at me, but at Lillith for killing her. Deana was a part of his family. I told him that she looked like me, but with Dean's eyes. She was the most beautiful girl in the world. Then I finally cried for the first time since I became a demon. Sam just put his arm around me for comfort and let me cry it out.

Aug 28, 2008

Things have been different with Sam and I since he found out who I really am. He is nicer to me and more open to what I have to tell him. He trusts me more with his life than he ever has. One thing that bothers me about him now is he asks me about my time in Hell. He thinks that since he knows the truth about me I am going to spill all my secrets. I will never tell Sam what Hell is like because I know it will kill him to find out.

At first Sam was a little hesitant to sleep together because he felt like he was betraying his brother. I had to remind him that Dean was dead. I didn't like reminding him of this fact, but it was true. The truth is I'm falling for Sam again. Just looking into those eyes gets me. I still love Dean more than anything, but the fact that he is dead and never coming back sort of puts a stop to anything ever happening between us. I really feel bad for leading Sam on like this when I think about Dean most of the time. Even if there was a chance of Dean coming back I really doubt there is any chance of us getting back together. I am a demon and I will always be a demon in his eyes even if he found out the truth. None of that matters because Dean isn't coming back. He is stuck in the pits of Hell for all eternity. It would have to be some incredible force to let him out.

Everyday I think about what Dean is going through in Hell. In a way I think it is worse for me because I know what goes on down there. Sam doesn't have anything to base it off of besides movies. No movie could illustrate the pain and suffering of Hell. As strong as Dean is I doubt he will be able to stand getting tortured forever. Eventually he will give in to the different offers just like I did. The only soul strong enough to survive that long of torture was his father. John is much more stubborn than Dean. Dean has been dead now for almost four months that is about the equivalence of forty years in Hell. That is longer than his time on Earth. I wish there was something I could do to get him out of there.

Sept 20, 2008

Holy crap, Dean is alive! I couldn't believe it when I opened the door and saw him standing there. He picked the best time to arrive. Sam and I were just getting ready for the day when he knocked on the door. Sam was still in the bathroom when Dean arrived. I was so shocked when I saw him. When I saw his reaction to me I remembered that he had no clue who I was because I was wearing a different suit than before. My dad was standing with him so I trusted that it was truly Dean. I played it cool and asked them where the pizza was. Dean was about to leave when Sam stepped out of the bathroom. Sam was just as shocked as I was to see Dean standing there. Dean pushed me a side so he could hug his brother, but instead Sam charged him. This even freaked me out. Sam didn't trust that it was his brother back from the dead. He was concerned that Lillith sent some thing that looked like Dean to kill him. My father stopped him in time and told him that he already checked to see if it was Dean. I already knew it was him.

Once Sam believed my father he gave Dean a big, long hug. I felt awkward just standing there as the outsider. I had to pretend like Sam and my father didn't really know me all too well. As Sam and Dean were hugging I realized how gay they would look from an outsider's point of view. When they broke from their hug I decided to ask them if they were together. I knew Dean would get a kick out of that one later. The reaction I got from him was exactly what I was expecting. I decided that was my moment to exit. As much as I wanted to stick around and exchange stories about Hell with Dean I knew they had to talk.

I went to the bathroom to get the rest of my clothes on when Sam came in after me. He asked me if I knew how Dean came back to life. I didn't really understand why he was asking me. Why would I know the answer? I told him I would see what I could find out, but in the mean time I wanted him to keep my identity a secret. I told him I would call him later to let him know what I found out.

I searched around as much as I could, but couldn't find anything. Sam got in contact with me about some demons hanging out at a diner. He thought they might have some knowledge on how Dean came back or where Lillith was. I decided to meet him there. I knew he could take care of the demons on his own, but I decided we needed to talk about what was going to happen now that Dean was back.

When I got there Sam was already taking care of the demons. Apparently whatever had saved Dean took the eyes of several people who tried to lay eyes on it. I knew that what ever it was it had to be powerful. Sam and I took a seat in one of the booths to talk. I wanted to know if he was going to tell Dean about using his abilities. Sam of course wanted to keep it a secret, but I thought it would be better to tell Dean now before it was too late. I offered to take a leave of absence for a while so Sam could catch up with Dean, but Sam wouldn't hear of it. He wants to keep going without telling Dean. I'm not going to tell Sam what to do, but I just know this is going to blow up in his face. Before we parted ways I told Sam not to tell Dean about who I really am. I told him to continue calling me Ruby. He said that my secret was safe with him.

Sept 26, 2008

An angel brought Dean back to life. This is not a good sign. Something really is cooking up and angels are getting involved. If an angel brought Dean back then that means that I need to stay away from the Winchesters. I'm a demon and they won't care if I have been helpful. Angels should be feared just as much as a demon. I think people should fear them even more than a demon. At least as a demon I have emotions and can care about humanity. Although my case is rare it could still happen. Also demons can be held back with holy water and a devil's trap. Angels are immune to practically everything. Dean tried stabbing his angel friend with my knife and it barely fazed him. He also had every symbol known drawn on the barn, but nothing stopped him. If an angel is sent to kill you then you must have done something wrong, but if a demon kills you then you were innocent.

I told Sam that I had to go away for a while because I wanted nothing to do with the angels. Sam didn't understand, but let me leave anyways. I'll be back soon enough to help him some more with his abilities, but I really think he should be with Dean right now. Sam still isn't ready to tell Dean about using his abilities or telling him about me. I keep telling him that it should be sooner than later. I hate doing things behind Dean's back. I know exactly how he is going to react when he finds out. I hope Sam is ready for the guilt he is going to go through once Dean finds out.

I'm so happy that Dean is out of Hell, but I can't imagine what he is going through. He and I are sort of similar now because we both know what the pits of Hell are like. Unlike me he is still human. My father says that Dean doesn't remember Hell, but I don't buy it. I've been watching him while he sleeps at night and I see him tossing and turning. He wakes up in a cold sweat almost every night. Sam doesn't notice because he is usually asleep when this happens. Dean remembers every moment, but is living in denial. There is no way you forget something like Hell. No matter how hard I try to forget it I can never put those memories away. Once Dean admits to remembering Hell and shares it with someone he will never be able to move on. I hate seeing him like this. I'm not sure what exactly he did in Hell, but I know he is probably ashamed of it.

Oct 8, 2008

I warned Sam. I told him to come clean to Dean, but of course he didn't listen. Dean found out all right about Sam. Castiel, Dean's angel friend, told Dean where to find Sam and he happened to find us exorcising a demon. Dean reacted exactly like I thought he would. He wouldn't let Sam explain anything and I don't blame him. His own brother betrayed him. Dean wants nothing more than for Sam to be his geeky sidekick, but Sam has been working to be his own superhero without Dean.

Along with Dean finding out about Sam using his abilities he also knows about me. He was pretty quick at guessing who I was. Not too soon after he figured out who I really was he charged me with my own knife. I'm really getting tired of being threatened with my own weapon. Sam came to my rescue and grabbed the knife out of Dean's hands, but not before Dean shoved him across the room. I went into defense mode and pinned Dean up against the fence. Sam hurried up and told me to stop before I could do anymore damage. I forget sometimes how strong I really am. When Dean called me an obedient little bitch I just wanted to shout at him. I wanted to tell him all about what I did to help his brother. If it weren't for me Sam would probably be dead right now. Dean has no clue what the past four months have been like. He has no clue how hard it was to get Sam away from the alcohol. And he calls me the obedient little bitch? I really didn't want to hurt him I just don't like being threatened. I brought the injured human to the ER and then left.

I don't know when I'm going to talk to Sam again because he told me that he promised Dean that he is done using his abilities. He really wants to stick to his promise because he doesn't believe what he is doing is good anymore. Apparently the angels don't want him using his abilities so that automatically makes them evil. I understand that they are demon abilities, but Sam and Dean need to understand that angels only see black and white. They don't see shades of gray. You are either good or you're bad. Take me for instance, the angels automatically assume that I am up to no good when I have done nothing, but try to help them win the fight against Lillith. Sam is the only thing that can kill Lillith, besides my knife and the Colt. Sure you can exorcise her all you want, but she will always find a way back on Earth. However, the angels see me as a threat and that I should be smited.

Oct 28, 2008

The seals are slowly being broken to bring Lucifer back to Earth. Sam and Dean really need to get on top of things. It's like they don't understand the seriousness of what will happen once the seals are broken. It will be Hell on Earth. However I am being good and staying away from Sam and Dean. The angels can step in now if they want to solve this. I'll let Sam and Dean figure out their mistake of working with the angels on their own. Once they figure out how unmerciful the angels are they'll realize I'm not the bad guy after all.

I haven't really been doing much with my time away from Sam. I've mainly been keeping a watchful eye on Lillith. Occasionally I check on Sam and Dean to make sure they are still alive. My father has helped them a few times, but they have mainly been working on their own. So far they have been keeping themselves safe.

Lillith has something cooking I just know it. Rumor has it that there is a girl who can hear the angels talking. Lillith wants her and she wants her badly. If Lillith gets her hands on this girl than the entire world is going to Hell, literally. I'm not sure who the girl is, but I need to track her down before the other demons do. I could care less about what the angels are saying. I just don't want Lillith knowing what the angels are planning.

Nov 10, 2008

The angels have gotten word about their little eavesdropper. They want her dead. They don't care that she is human. The only thing they care about is getting rid of her because she can hear everything they are talking about. This is what I was talking about when I said they don't have any true emotions. They don't care that they are about to kill some poor innocent girl who has no clue what is happening to her. I still don't know where I can find her, but when I do find her I plan on helping her get away from the angels and demons.

Nov 14, 2008

I have tracked her down. Her name is Anna and she is staying at some psych ward. I don't think she has any clue what is coming for her. I'm still not sure how she is hearing the angels, but she is and that is enough for me. I just need to find a way to get her out of the hospital without causing a scene. I can't have anyone know where I hide her. I could always hide her at my father's house. He has a demon-proof room in the basement that could keep her safe. I find the room rather racist, but it serves its purpose. He tested the room on me to see if I could get in, but I couldn't get past the doorway.

Nov 14, 2008

Not only have I tracked down Anna, but also so has Lillith. She sent one of her demons to get Anna, but she escaped. Lillith wasn't too happy with this and has sent several demons to find her and bring her alive. I've decided to tell Sam and Dean about my find because I feel that they should know. I just need to track them down. That shouldn't take too long. I can convince Sam just fine, but Dean is going to be a little tougher. He sees me as the enemy.

Sometimes I think it would be easier to tell Dean who I really am, but at the same time I don't think he will believe me. He would probably think that I am just saying that so he will let his guard down. He would call Sam and my father idiots for believing my lie. The only way Dean would figure it out is if I truly let my guard down around him and showed my true colors. Dean would have to put the pieces together on his own like my father and Sam did.

Nov 16, 2008

Lillith really knows how to make life difficult. Not only was she after Anna, but she also brought Alistair back from Hell. I couldn't believe it when I saw him. I knew it couldn't be a good sign if he was out of Hell. Alistair hates Earth and only comes up when it is truly important. Even if Lucifer were to walk free on Earth, Alistair would stay in Hell.

Here's what has been happening so far. I convinced Sam and Dean to track down Anna and help her get away from the demons on her tail. Dean of course still didn't trust me, but I got over that. However he did trust me enough to take Anna while he and Sam hid in their motel room. Anyways, I had the boys figure out what Anna was on their own. They figured out where she was and Sam called me to tell me the news. As I was on my way to the church I spotted Alistair coming up behind me. I had to get to the church before him. I took him on a few detours to throw him off. It worked for a little while. It gave me enough time to warn Sam and Dean. I told Sam there was no time to be wasted he had to pull the demon out of the body ASAP. Dean automatically said that was not an option. I told him it was either that or we die. Sam understood and got himself ready. However Sam was much too weak to pull Alistair. If he had continued to practice all this time he would have been able to pull him no problem. After that things got out of hand.

I decided to let the boys handle Alistair while I got Anna to safety. I knew they would be able to get away from Alistair. I had faith in the boys and I was right. They got out with some minor cuts and bruises, but they got away nonetheless. Anna and I found an abandoned cabin to stay in for some time. She asked me all about why I was helping her. I told her the truth about who I was. I don't know why I told her, but I did. There is just something about her that makes me feel a little better about myself. I told her not to say a thing to Dean and she promised to keep it between us. I then realized that a few hours had passed and it was time to get Sam and Dean to the cabin to talk. I gave them the news about where we were and to stay hidden.

It didn't take them very long to show up after I gave them our location. Sam and Dean must have had a little story time of their own while we were split up because Dean was looking at me differently. I was afraid that Sam had told him who I truly was, but I figured pretty quickly that Sam told him about what I did for him. Dean was straining himself to thank me for saving his brother, but I stopped him before he could get the words out. We could have been standing there for hours before he got out the words thank you.

Sam and Dean were in the middle of telling Anna about her parents when she freaked out and told us they were coming. She didn't really specify who they were and we assumed she meant Alistair and his companions. As we were getting ready to fight them I asked for my knife from the boys only to find out that Sam gave it to Alistair. I was so concerned about what we were going to do when in walked Castiel and Uriel, another angel. I didn't feel very safe with them in the room. They wanted Anna so they could kill her. I knew that was their intentions, but to hear it come out of their mouths put it into reality. Sam and Dean obviously weren't going to just give an innocent girl to the angels to have her killed. As scared as I was I stood my ground against the angels. I knew the difference between what was right and wrong. What they had planned for her was wrong.

Sam and Dean stood there not letting the angels get past them. Uriel became impatient and grabbed me. He was about to smite me, but Dean surprisingly came to my rescue. As soon as Dean attacked Uriel the tables were turned and Dean was getting the crap beat out of him by Uriel. Sam was trying to get Castiel to stop, but Castiel used his little sleep thing on him. I had very little energy to help Dean. Getting beat up by an angel really hurts a demon. Castiel was making his way for the door to where Anna was, but then all of a sudden he was gone along with Uriel. I was just as confused as Dean as to where they went. Dean unexpectedly helped me up and made sure I was okay before we checked on Anna. Anna was so bloody when we went to check on her. Apparently some spell came to her that would make the angels go far away.

We decided it would be best to take Anna to my father's house. She could hide out in the racist panic-room. We are headed there right now. Dean is curious as to what I am writing down. I was afraid that he had made the connection when he mentioned how an ex-girlfriend of his kept a journal also. Sam and Anna just smiled because of how close Dean was without even knowing it.

Nov 23, 2008

The war has begun between Heaven and Hell. Soon after we got back to my father's house Sam and Dean called up their friend Pamela to help Anna remember her past. It worked, but what we found out wasn't very comforting. It made the situation much worse. Turns out Anna is a fallen angel. I knew this wasn't good because Heaven wanted her dead for betraying them and Hell wanted her as their pet. As soon as I found out she was an angel things became very uncomfortable for me. She tried reassuring me that she wasn't like the others, but I still kept myself prepared to fight around her. All she wanted to do was find her grace to end this mess. At least she knew what trouble she was. Sam set out to do what he does best, research.

It took him some time to find the possible location of Anna's grace. It was some where in Kentucky. I apologized to Sam for getting him in this mess. If I had known that Anna was a fallen angel I never would have gotten him involved. He has no idea what the battle between Heaven and Hell is going to be like. Sam thought that I was scared because of the angels being on our tail, but I could really care less about them. I was mainly concerned with Alistair and what he has planned for us. Sam doesn't understand who Alistair is and how powerful he is. I gave him a hint as to how what Alistair is all about, but he still didn't understand. Dean knows all about Alistair's motives and is just as scared as me.

As soon as Sam and I figured out where to possibly find the grace we went out to Dean and Anna. I wasn't too happy with what I saw when I walked out there. I could tell that Dean was falling for Anna and what she stood for. The entire time I have been on Earth I haven't seen Dean with anyone besides the occasional hook-up. This really struck a chord with me because I want nothing more than for Dean to accept me for who I am. I have to admit he is being nicer to me, but who knows how long that is going to last. He is only being nice to me because I am being helpful and cooperative. As soon as I go off of what he wants he is going to hate me again. He will never truly trust me and I don't blame him. If our roles were reversed I would be the same way.

When we got to where the grace could be we found out someone or something got there before us. Her grace was gone. I knew this couldn't be good because we needed that grace to make her an angel again. We had to think of another plan. Dean suggested we go back to my dad's house, but I knew we couldn't hide forever. As Dean and I were in the middle of arguing again Anna interrupted us by telling us the angels wanted her by midnight or else they were going to put Dean back in Hell. I knew that couldn't happen. I could see what being in Hell for that short period of time did to Dean. I wasn't going to let that happen again.

Sam and I split up from Dean and Anna so we could think of a plan to save Dean. After a lot of failed ideas Sam finally asked me if I could get Alistair to come to the cabin and have the angels deal with him. At first I was going to tell him to forget it, but I thought it through and figured it might actually work. The angels could definitely send Alistair back to Hell. I told Sam I would think about it.

Soon after Sam fell asleep I went to summon Alistair. As I walked outside I noticed the Impala windows were all fogged up. I knew what that meant. I know I'm selfish for wanting Dean to be single and not to fully move on after me, but it killed me a little to know that he was moving on. I soon remembered that Anna only has a few more hours to live. This made me feel even worse knowing that Dean was finally moving on after me with someone who was leaving.

I summoned Alistair to a crossroads away from the Winchesters. At first he thought I was there to fight him and threatened me with my knife, but I told him I had an offer for him. I promised to give him Anna if he promised to let me and the Winchesters walk unharmed. I thought he was taking the bait until two demons grabbed me. Alistair had a different idea of how to find Anna. First he wanted to torture me a little with my own knife. The pain of the blade on my skin was worse than anything I'd ever felt. It is what it would feel like if I were human times ten. He kept going on and on about how much he hates being here on Earth. After about an hour of torture he finally took the gag off my mouth and asked me where to find Anna. I knew that was my time to shine.

I brought Alistair to the barn just in time. Castiel and Uriel were all ready there getting ready to take her, but Alistair and his gang stepped in dragging me with them. I was in so much pain that I couldn't do much during the battle. I just lay on a pile of hay watching from the sidelines. I really thought Castiel or Uriel would be able to take care of Alistair, but it took Anna getting her grace back to send him away. I waited until Castiel and Uriel left to get up. I wasn't going to take my chances with them. I was already weak they could easily have sent me away. Sam made sure that I was okay, but I knew I would survive.

We all stayed the night at the cabin to get energy back. I left early in the morning to get out of their hair. Even though Dean was being nicer to me I knew I couldn't stay around. He was only nice to me because I wasn't "brainwashing" Sam into using his demon abilities. I did get my knife back from them before I left. If they want to use it they can ask me for it.

Dec 29, 2008

Not much to report except that Lillith has really been working on breaking the seals. She is almost halfway through. Sam and Dean aren't doing a single thing about it. I thought the angels sent Dean back to stop the seals from being broken. They are doing a great job so far. If they don't do something soon I'm going to have to step in and get Sam trained again. He just needs to go after Lillith and all of this is over. He was so close to being a match for her, but Dean had to step in and ruin it.

My father and I had a dinner together on Christmas. We didn't exchange any gifts again, but it was nice to see him again. He told me that Sam knows all about Dean's time in Hell. He tried to convince me to go talk to Sam as Sophie, but I didn't want to. I know that Sam needs someone to talk to, but I don't want him to get too comfortable with who I really am. Once I act like Sophie again he might accidentally tell Dean whom I really am. That could be a good thing or a bad thing.


	10. Year 2009 pt 1

Jan 15, 2009

Lillith is very close to breaking half of the seals. I need to get to Sam and convince him to start training again. He knows what he has to do to become strong. He says he doesn't enjoy it, but the look on his face says otherwise.

Several months ago after the first time we had sex we figured out what was making Sam stronger. It wasn't having sex with me, but something else. It was a mistake, but a good mistake. We were in the middle of kissing when I bit my tongue pretty badly. I didn't say anything to Sam because I wasn't really hurt. However my tongue started to bleed and Sam happened to ingest it. His abilities were incredibly strong for a week after that, but then they started to diminish again. I told him I wanted to try something. I had him shut his eyes while I cut my arm and squeezed the blood into his mouth. He reacted how I thought he would and freaked out. He asked what the hell I was doing and I explained to him that it made him stronger. He was grossed out and told me to stay away from him. Nevertheless, Sam soon realized that I was right and he wanted more. He became addicted to the stuff. When I turned him down he would get furious with me and ask if I wanted him to win against Lillith.

Jan 29, 2009

I have Sam convinced to start training again. I approached him a few days ago and told him about how Lillith was over halfway done with breaking the seals. He is the only one who can stop Lillith. As much as the angels think Dean can do something they are wrong. Sam turned me down at first, but then he gave me a call and told me to pick him up. When he got in the car he said he was ready. I didn't understand what had changed his mind, but he just told me that he didn't want to be hunting when he is old. We started training again that night. I knew Sam would be rusty. I had him drink some blood so he could get stronger. He was a little hesitant at first, but after he got his first power boost he wanted more. I told him that was enough for now and I would give him some more in a few days.

I asked Sam if he wanted to tell Dean about what he was up to, but he said it would be better to keep him out of it. I told Sam that probably wasn't a good idea, but he can find that out himself. There's something Sam isn't telling me about why he doesn't want to tell Dean.

Feb 4, 2009

I cracked and decided to be Sophie for Sam for one day. He basically begged me to be Sophie again. We were in the middle of a training session when things weren't going as planned and I started yelling at Sam. He looked at me with those puppy dog eyes and asked me if I could be Sophie for once. I was a little confused by this statement and told him I was being Sophie. He corrected me and said I was being Ruby, not Sophie. He wanted me to be like my human self if I could remember that. I thought about it for a few moments, but Sam wasn't making it very easy. He just kept the puppy dog look on his face. It is almost impossible to say no to that face.

I finally sat down and asked him as Sophie what was wrong. He just smiled and said thank you. He then started talking about what Dean told him about Hell and how he is feeling about all of it. He talked for a good hour before I could even get a word in. At first he was angry about how Dean was just mopping around all the time and wasn't his brother any more. He was telling me how Dean was holding him back and that he doesn't think Dean is as strong as he used to be. I just nodded and listened to him. He then took a long pause and started thinking about what to say next. I could tell that what he was thinking was difficult for him to say out loud. I took his hand in mine to remind him that I was here for him. He looked up at me with the saddest eyes I have seen. It reminded me of Dean and John when they were about to cry. He gave me a smile and squeezed my hand back. I asked him what was on his mind. He just shook his head and kept the thoughts to himself. I asked him as kindly as I could to tell me. I reminded him that he wouldn't feel better until he got it off his chest.

After a minute of silence he finally said that it was his entire fault. He was the reason Dean went to Hell. I hurried up and told Sam it wasn't his fault, but he wouldn't listen to me. He started crying and saying everything was his fault. He was the reason his mother and father were dead and he was the reason his own brother went to Hell. I grabbed both of his hands and told him to look at me. He just kept his head down until I gently pushed his face towards me with my hand. He looked into my eyes while I told him slowly that it wasn't his fault. Sam put his hand on my cheek and pulled me in for one of the most passionate kisses I have ever received. It was much different than any other kiss he ever gave me as a demon. He wasn't kissing me as a demon he was kissing me as Sophie. I pulled away from him and told him that if he wanted someone to blame he should blame Azazel. That son of a bitch broke apart his family. Sam was about to make a rebuttal when I pulled him in for another kiss. I thought it was time to stop talking about this. That night Sam and I had sex as Sam and Sophie, not Sam and Ruby. It was a lot like our first time as humans, but better. Sam was much more gentle with me and proved to me that he still loved me, Sophie. We even cuddled afterwards. It was nice to be loved for once.

As we were cuddling afterwards Sam asked if he could tell me a secret. I let him spill the secret and I'm not sure how I feel about it. He said that he never truly stopped loving me. I didn't really understand how that was a secret until he explained it further. Apparently he was still in love with me the entire time he was with Jess. He tried breaking himself off by not talking to me, but that didn't work. He would just think about me even more. He wanted to know if I had moved on and hoped that I hadn't. He knew that he had messed up when he cheated on me with Jess and wished every day that he could take it back. When I started dating Nate he didn't really mind because he knew I wasn't in love with him, but once Dean came in the picture he knew something was up. The fact that I never confirmed that we were together made Sam go crazy. He started obsessing over it and it started interfering with his relationship with Jess. I was right when I guessed that Jess broke up with Sam because of me during that one summer. Sam was hoping that we would get back together that summer, but Dean got in the way. He knew it was time to move on when I told him about us getting married, but he couldn't. When I left Dean he wanted to hate me for putting Dean through such heartbreak, but yet again he couldn't. When I told him that I was dead he couldn't believe it and was more upset about that than when Jess died. He figured out who I truly was way before he said something, but didn't trust his guess until I basically confirmed it. He stopped talking after that and waited for me to say something.

I wasn't sure what to say. I told him that a part of me still loved him while I was with Dean also. It was true, but it wasn't as intense as his love for me. Sam told me to stop lying to him. I was confused because I wasn't lying to him. He said he knows how I feel about Dean. I'm still in love with him and won't ever get him out of my head. I was about to apologize when Sam cut me off and said it was okay and he understood.

Feb 25, 2008

Sam is getting strong. He isn't strong enough for Lillith yet, but he is getting close. A few more months and I think he could take her on. However, I'm not sure if we have a few months. Seals are being broken left and right. It's almost like they are too easy for her to break. Sam keeps thinking he is ready, but I keep telling him not yet. He is getting impatient. One day he got so impatient that he asked me if I really wanted to kill Lillith. I thought that was a crazy question. Of course I want Lillith dead I just don't want Sam killed in the process.

Mar 4, 2008

Happy birthday to me! I would be 24 years old today if Azazel didn't kill me. Who knows what I would have been doing with my life right now. I would like to think I would have been happy, but I could have been miserable.

Sam surprised me with a birthday cake. I didn't think he would remember, but he did. He was a smart ass and bought a devil's food cake. He said he heard that it was our favorite type of cake downstairs. I just rolled my eyes and thanked him for the cake.

As we were eating cake I asked him how Dean was doing. He told me that Dean knows about us working together again and isn't happy with it, but he isn't trying to stop him. He also admitted that Dean still seemed to be taking things pretty hard on him. I told Sam that he just needed some time to deal with everything. Sam didn't get what was taking Dean so long to deal with. I got very defensive and reminded Sam that Dean was in Hell. It isn't something you just get over. I still dwell on what I did while I was down there and what I have become because of it. Dean and I just deal with it differently. I'm just as much a coward as he is. I'm hiding from who I truly am. I don't even go by my human name because I am ashamed of myself. I reminded Sam that it took him a year to realize who I really was and even then I didn't want it to be known. Sam apologized and said that he just wished Dean would share what he was thinking sometimes with him. I told him that maybe Dean doesn't want to tell him because he knows what it does to him. Dean isn't an idiot. He knows that Sam still blames himself for his time in Hell. Whenever he tells Sam about his time down there Sam feels even more guilt.

Mar 20, 2009

Sam killed Alistair. I'm proud of him, but Dean almost died because of the angel's mistakes. Dean was originally sent to torture Alistair to get him to confess to who was killing the angels. I was content with Alistair getting what he deserved, but I didn't like that Dean had to do the torturing. I have no clue what he had to put himself through to start torturing him again. I have a feeling that Alistair provoked some of it. Sam told me that Alistair would never tell and that he needed to find them. I used one of the spells I learned in one of Annabelle's witchcraft books. I remembered seeing the spell and thinking it might be important one day. Being able to track down anybody. The spell worked and Sam got there in time to save Castiel from being sent back to Heaven. Unfortunately Dean had already gotten beat up by Alistair. He was beat pretty bad too. Alistair was about to kill him and send him back to Hell when Castiel saved him. There was a lot of saving going on.

I met up with Sam at the hospital and asked him what happened. He was furious and told me that the angels couldn't make a strong enough devil's trap to keep Alistair in. He told me about all the different saves. He blamed the angels for Dean being in the hospital. I asked him what Alistair said about the angels dying. He told me about how a demon wasn't doing it, but something else. Sam and I just sat in Dean's room silently for the rest of the time until Castiel showed up. I went away until I knew the angel was gone. I couldn't risk being around him. Once Castiel was gone I went back to the hospital. Part of me was there for Sam, but I was mostly there because it was Dean.

Sam left to get some food from the cafeteria while I kept an eye on Dean. As soon as I knew I was alone with Dean I went over to him and put my hand in his. I told him that I wished I could tell him the truth about myself, but I just can't do it. I continued and told him that I still love him and would never stop. Then I leaned in and gave him a kiss on the forehead. Immediately after I kissed him he started waking up and gripped my hand. He hadn't even opened his eyes yet, but looked confused as to what was going on. In a very hoarse voice he said "Sophie?" I was completely shocked, but pulled my hand out of his and vanished before he opened his eyes.

I went to the motel Sam and Dean were staying at and was about to start crying when Castiel showed up. He scared the crap out of me. I wasn't sure how to react to him being there. I was about to go away again when he stopped me. He said he wasn't here to fight me. I didn't know if I could trust him, but let him talk anyways. He took a step towards me and thanked me for getting Sam involved with Alistair. If I hadn't trained him properly they never would have found out the truth. He said he didn't like Sam using the abilities, but so far they have been helpful. He filled me in on who was really killing the angels. Turns out it wasn't even a demon doing the dirty work. It was really an angel, Uriel to be exact. Not too shocking there. I guess Uriel wanted Lucifer to walk on Earth and get rid of all humans. I joked and told Castiel that I must be looking pretty good right now. I couldn't believe it, but Castiel actually smirked a little to this one. He usually keeps such a straight face. I asked him what happened to Uriel, but he assured me that he was no longer a problem. He was about to leave when he asked me if we could be allies. I was curious as to why he wanted to become allies with a demon. He said it was the same reason the United States became allies with Soviet Russia in WWII. I then saluted him and told him "So long Stalin." I swear I saw him smile once more before he left.

I'm not sure if I can trust Castiel as my ally. I guess I should trust him as much as Sam trusts me. So far he hasn't done anything to make me think he really wants me dead. Really it was Uriel who caused all the problems.

Mar 28, 2009

I feel so bad for Dean. I cannot imagine the burden he is carrying on his shoulders right now. He found out from Alistair that he started the apocalypse. I could never imagine what that would feel like. To know that you were the cause for the end of the world would be terrible. Dean isn't handling it too well either. I don't think he has really slept since he found out. Sam says that he just stares and says nothing. Sometimes he drinks himself to sleep, but otherwise he just sits there. He hasn't even hunted anything since he found out the truth. Sam has tried to get him to talk, but Dean just tells him to go away.

Sam of course takes some of the blame for this. He keeps saying that Dean would never have gone to Hell if it weren't for him. I told Sam that Lillith would have found a way to get him to Hell one way or another. I cannot stand the Winchesters when they are like this. Each one blames them self for starting the apocalypse. I just want to smack both of them and tell them to do something about it then. Okay so you started the apocalypse. My father really needs to come back from his little stint in Mexico. He could get the message across to them. He would tell them to finish what they started.

Apr 13, 2009

Yesterday was an interesting day. It started when I went to talk to Sam at the motel. I really should have checked if he was there before I knocked on the door. Turned out Sam had left to work on a hunt in the town while Dean stayed back at the room drinking and listening to music. Dean wanted to know what I was doing there. I told him that I was looking for Sam. He said he was out on a hunt and then went to sit on the bed. He didn't even bother shutting the door. I decided to go in and talk to him. I asked him how he was holding up. He laughed and asked me if I thought he was going to spill his emotions to a demon. I told him I was just trying to be nice. I thought that was it for the conversation and was about to walk out the door when Dean asked me if I could keep something a secret from Sam. I told him that his secrets were safe with me. He then pulled me down onto the bed with him and said that he wasn't taking the news about him starting the apocalypse too well. I didn't really know that was a secret. It was pretty obvious to everybody that he didn't take the news well.

Dean continued and said that he was a coward. He knows that the right thing is to try to stop the apocalypse from happening, but he isn't strong enough to take on that sort of responsibility. He feels like he is letting his father down again because he isn't being a hero. He wanted to know why he had to be the hero. He wanted to know why he had to sacrifice everything from this world. He said that he knows he won't get the credit for saving the world from damnation. He will still have the criminal record and the memories of Hell. All of a sudden he put his face in his hands and starting crying more than I have ever seen him cry. I didn't really know what to do. I wasn't even sure if Dean would let me touch him. I decided to pat him on the back to show some sort of sympathy; he took this as an invitation to put his head on my chest and cry into it. I didn't stop him, but I was still uncomfortable. I kept thinking to myself, "Where's Sam?"

As we were sitting there a familiar song came on. It took me just a moment to realize what song was playing. It was "Over the Hills and Far Away," the song that was our song. I told Dean this was a great song. He pulled his head up and told me it was. He then told me that this song used to mean something to him. Used to? I didn't understand what that meant. The song still meant something to me, but then again I guess he was the heartbroken one. I asked him what he meant by that. He started telling me about the meaning of the song to him when he noticed something in my face. He stopped all of a sudden during the story and just stared at me. I asked him why he stopped, but he wouldn't say anything he just stared at me in shock. Dean finally said "Oh my God, Sophie?" I couldn't lie to him anymore. I also couldn't say anything. I was literally speechless. I just nodded in shame. The next question out of his mouth wasn't expected. I thought he would ask something about how I became a demon or how I could have lied to him all this time, but instead he decided to ask me why I left all those years ago. I was contemplating how to tell him the truth, but I couldn't think of anything. I stood up and told Dean that I couldn't. He grabbed my arm and told him I owed him that much. I pushed his arm off of me and vanished.

I wasn't leaving him without an explanation I just thought it would be best for him to read about it. I went to the Impala to find the letter I had written him before I had left. I hoped that it was still where I had left it. I went straight to where I had put it and found it still there. I was surprised that it hadn't gotten lost. I took the letter and brought it to Dean to read. I handed it to him and he asked what it was. I told him I had written it to him when I was human, but he never found it. He asked me where I hid it. I told him the hiding place and he yelled at me for hurting his car. I just told him to read the letter for the explanation for everything.

I lay down on Sam's bed waiting for him to finish the letter. It was a pretty lengthy letter since there was a lot he needed to know about me. After he finished reading it he came to me and asked if it was all true. I sat up and nodded. He then said "Alright then," grabbed my face and kissed me. I was shocked that he accepted me just like that. I pushed him off of me so I could tell him about what wasn't in the letter. I told him there was more that he needed to know. He looked at me with love in his eyes and asked what it was. I moved to the edge of the bed facing away from him. He moved over towards me and put a hand on my back for support. I told him all about Deana from her birth to her death.

Dean was dumbfounded. He didn't really know what to say. He just sat there taking it all in when he got up and threw one of the lamps across the room. He scared me. Dean started asking how Lillith could just kill an innocent child like that. Sam came running into the room after Dean threw the lamp asking what the noise was. He saw me standing next to the bed and Dean standing by where the lamp used to be. Sam got in defense mode and thought that Dean was threatening me. Dean pointed at me and told Sam that I was Sophie. Sam relaxed and told Dean that he already knew that. Dean got upset by this and asked Sam how long he knew. Sam admitted that he found out while Dean was in Hell. Dean started to charge Sam asking him how he could keep it a secret from him when I stepped in and told Dean I was the one who wanted to keep it a secret. Dean didn't understand why I didn't want him knowing. He wouldn't have been so hard on me if he knew the truth. I told him that I was ashamed of being a demon. I excused myself after this so I could think about what just happened.

This could be a bad thing or a good thing. I really hope it doesn't back fire. I don't know what to do about Sam now. We were sort of becoming an item. A secret item, but an item nonetheless. I don't want to cause a rift between the brothers. I might just need to keep my distance for a while.

Apr 25, 2009

I haven't seen Sam or Dean since my last entry. I've been avoiding them as much as I can so that I can figure out what to do now that they both know the truth. Sam was getting happy with us being together, but now it seems like Dean wants to continue from where we left off. We all know whom my heart truly lies with, but I don't want to break Sam's heart. Sam would be miserable, but Dean really needs someone who loves him. I really wish I could be with both, but that would be the worst possible scenario. I really need to figure this out before I see them again. I also need to continue getting Sam ready for the battle against Lillith, but his head won't be in it if I'm no longer connected to him. I don't know what to do.

May 3, 2009

Looks like my decision is made for me. I was relaxing in the Garden of the Gods- I know ironic a demon in the Garden of the Gods- when Castiel showed up. He made a comment about being at the garden too when I asked him what he wanted. He told me that I needed to go to Dean and help him accept his fate. I told him to pick someone else because I was on vacation at the moment. Castiel ignored my comment and filled me in on Dean's current condition. He is even worse than before because he feels that he has lost the only woman that he loves, again. Castiel told me that Dean needs someone to support him. I looked him square in the eyes and told him to get a grief counselor for him and then vanished.

I left to go talk to my father. I knew my father would know what I should do. I told him everything that Castiel told me and my father just shook his head. At first I thought he was on my side until he told me that he was ashamed of me. He thought he raised me better than this. I was confused as to what he meant until he continued and told me that I was being selfish. I disagreed with him and said I was being cautious. He raised his voice and told me I was only thinking about myself. He said that I didn't want to help Dean deal with the news because I didn't want to feel guilty. I knew he was right. I got up and started heading towards the door when my father told me that I knew what the right thing to do was.

I've found Sam and Dean, but I'm just waiting for Sam to leave Dean by himself. I'm going to approach Dean when Sam isn't around because that will probably be the best way to avoid too much conflict between the two. Dean really is a wreck. Now it looks like he hasn't showered in weeks or bothered to change his clothes. I really do need to stop being so selfish.

May 5, 2009

I've finally talked to Dean in private. Sam got fed up with Dean and his behavior so he left to get some fresh air. As soon as Sam was out of sight I knocked on the door. Dean asked very angrily who it was and I told him to answer the door. He opened the door and asked me why I left for so long. I apologized and told him I was here for him now. I then gave him a big hug.

Dean didn't really talk until after about half an hour passed by. We were just lying on the bed. He had his head on my chest while I stroked his hair. It was amazing how quickly we had gone back to our old ways. He would occasionally take my hand and play with my fingers, but otherwise he wasn't really saying anything. Finally he asked me about Deana. He wanted to know what she was like. I told him everything that I remembered about her. As I was telling him my memories of her Dean moved his head off my chest so he could look at me while I told him. I was in the middle of a story about when we went to the park when Dean interrupted me and asked what she looked like. I told him how she looked like me, but she had his eyes. I put my finger by his eyes and dragged it down his left cheek. He took my hand in his and then sat up. I sat up too and told him that he would have loved her. Things went silent after that for a good minute.

Dean then asked me how I died. I thought that I had told him, but I was wrong. I told him about the offer Azazel made me after Deana was born. I took the latter of the two and joined him with all intentions of killing him. I continued and told him how Azazel killed me instead. Dean shook his head and called Azazel a son of a bitch. I agreed, but told him that Azazel finally got what he deserved that night in the graveyard. Dean got a huge ego boost with that comment and told me about how his father helped him. I told Dean I knew because I was there.

Dean asked me if I had ever seen his father in Hell. I nodded and told him that I was the one sent to torture him. Dean took his hand out from mine and turned away from me. I went and sat in front of him so I could continue the story of how John saved me. I told him about how I refused to torture him. Dean finally looked at me again and said that his father was much stronger than him. I put my hand on his cheek and told him that they each had their strengths and weaknesses. Dean leaned into my hand and kissed the inside of my palm. He then grabbed my arm and started kissing it all the way up. I climbed into his lap facing him and asked him if he was sure he wanted to do this. He nodded and said that he needed this. I leaned in and gave him the most comforting kiss I could give him. I had forgotten how much I missed this until that moment. He started kissing me like he never had before. I was in the middle of unzipping his jeans when I heard the door unlocking. I knew that meant Sam was home. I hurried up and gave Dean a kiss goodbye before I vanished.

May 8, 2009

The other day Sam summoned me to tell me that he knew about Dean and me. He didn't really seem upset by the news. I started to become defensive and told him about Castiel sending me to help Dean when Sam put up his hand to stop me. He said that he was fine with it because he knew this would happen one day or another. He explained that the love that Dean and I have for one another couldn't be messed with by anyone. He went on to tell me how Dean's mood has changed since I started comforting him. Dean needs me in order for him to be strong. If we want Dean to go through with stopping the apocalypse I needed to be by his side 100%. Sam told me that I was no longer Ruby. I needed to drop that persona and just be Sophie from now on. He asked me if I could do that for Dean. I remembered what my father said about not being selfish and told Sam I could. Sam was happy and asked if we could start training again because he was getting weak. I told him to give me some time with Dean and then I would train with him.

I went to the motel to see Dean and continue from where we left off. I knocked on the door and waited for him to answer. Once he opened the door I walked in and started kissing him while kicking the door shut. After the door shut I heard someone cough from the bed. I stopped kissing him and turned to see who was sitting on the bed. I was so embarrassed when I saw who it was because it was my father. I asked my father what he was doing here. He explained that Sam and Dean had called him to help on a hunt. I had no clue that Dean was hunting again. I guess he really was better since I came back in his life. My father said he would ask what I was doing here, but he could guess. Dean laughed at this, but I cringed at my father's words. I changed the subject and asked Dean what they were hunting. He said that it sounded like it might be some vampires. I wasn't sure why they needed my father's help with this. Vampires should be simple for the Winchesters. Turns out Sam had called my father before Dean had gotten better. I told Dean that I would also help any way I could. He said that was cute, but they didn't need another person to help. I asked him what he wanted me to do then. He leaned in towards me and said quietly that we could discuss that later. I knew he hadn't said it quiet enough because my father looked like he was ready to rip Dean a new one.

Dean and my father talked about the case for a good two hours before my dad finally excused himself to go off to bed. Dean looked at me and told my father he was going to do the same thing. My father and I rolled our eyes at Dean. Once my father was out the door Dean came over to me, picked me up, and laid me on the bed. He lay down next to me and told me not to vanish this time. I assured him that I had no intentions of doing so this time. He gave me a good long kiss and said "Good." He then asked me where we left off last time. I unzipped his jeans and told him we were about here. He agreed and started kissing me again. While he was kissing me his hands were exploring my new body. I took his shirt off and saw the scar left from when the angels saved him. I put my hand over it and Dean stopped to look at my hand. He took my hand off of the scar and kissed it. He looked into my eyes and I could see him longing for me. I rolled us over so that I could be on top of him. Things really started heating up after this. Dean finally slept through the whole night without any visible nightmares. He held me tight when he went to sleep. He didn't want me going away. It took me a little longer to fall to sleep after we had finished. When I heard Sam coming in I decided it was time for me to pretend to be asleep.

I've been sticking around since that night and don't want to leave again. Castiel contacted me and told me that I need to get Dean focused on stopping Lillith. I told him that I would get there soon. I'm not sure how I'm going to get Dean to go through with his destiny, but I'm going to have to do something soon. There are less than thirty seals that need to be broken before Lucifer walks free.

May 15, 2009

Dean will not focus on his task at hand. I keep telling him that he is the only one who can save us from damnation, but he just won't commit. Every time I remind him of his duty he changes the subject. I'm really getting tired of it. I really want to go back to my Ruby character, but I know I can't do that to Dean. I also made a promise to Sam that I would stay as Sophie from now on.

Sam has been much better about this than Dean. It probably has to do with the fact that Sam has known a lot longer than Dean. It is a good thing that I don't really need sleep or else I would not be able to go between Sam and Dean. Dean won't be stay for when I am training Sam. He doesn't want to see Sam in that state. Dean has no clue that I am feeding Sam my blood. If Dean ever found out I think he would be thoroughly disgusted. I really thought that things would be weird between Sam and I since I've been with Dean, but they haven't. I guess Sam really is okay with Dean and I being together again.

I'm not entirely comfortable being in the relationship with Dean. It feels weird since I am a demon and in a different body. I still can't believe how easily Dean accepted me for who I am. I really thought that he wouldn't care because I was still a demon.

May 29, 2009

Dean better accept his fate soon because there are just twenty seals left to break. I keep trying to get him to focus, but he won't listen. He is really getting on my last nerve. I've told Castiel numerous times that he needs to step in and do something. He said that he had an idea, but needed to discuss it with the powers above first. He still hasn't gotten back about what the plan is. I hope it is a good one.

June 30, 2009

Well Castiel's plan was an interesting one. He went through with it before consulting me. It really would have been nice to have a heads up instead of being completely surprised. Here's how it all started.

I went to meet Castiel at our usual meeting spot, but he didn't show up. I was growing impatient so I left and went back to Dean. Dean, Sam, and I were in the middle of discussing their recent hunt when Castiel busted through the door. He came towards me and said they have been looking for me. I was confused and scared at the same time because he wasn't stopping. He kept coming towards me. Dean tried to stop him, but Castiel just pushed him to the side and continued towards me. I ran into the dresser and put my hands over my face trying to shield myself from Castiel. I didn't understand why he was attacking me when we were supposed to be allies. He finally put his hand to my head and did his little thing that is supposed to send me packing.

I thought for sure that I was being sent back to Hell, but when I opened my eyes I was in a coffin. This confused me even more. Did Castiel send me to another host body? One that was in a coffin? I tried to shimmer out, but it didn't work. I finally felt something crawling by my hand and realized there were a bunch of bugs in there with me. I felt like I was a contestant on _Fear Factor_. I couldn't take anymore and started screaming and pounding on the coffin. I didn't think anyone would hear me, but I decided to give it a shot. I just kept screaming and pounding until I heard someone shouting back at me. It was the gravedigger. He said he was trying to get to me as quick as possible. Ten minutes later he finally got to the coffin. He opened it and immediately asked me if I was all right. I was trying to catch my breath while answering his question. He helped me out of the grave and asked me how I got down there. I told him that I had no clue, but I was grateful that he heard me. He brought me over to his office so I could get some water and seek medical attention. I told him that I didn't need to go to the hospital, but he kept insisting. I finally agreed to go to the hospital, but asked to use his washroom.

I had no plans of going to the hospital. I was going to sneak out the bathroom window. When I got in the bathroom I decided I would check out whom my new host was. I looked in the mirror and nearly fainted. Looking back at me was me. I thought I was hallucinating. I kept closing my eyes and opening them waiting for the image to go away. I started inspecting my body to make sure everything was in working order. All of a sudden I felt this burning on my shoulder. I took my jacket off so I could get to the burning and found the same handprint on my shoulder that Dean has on his. That was when I knew Castiel brought me back, but why?

I decided that I should seek some medical attention since I was human. I went back out and asked the gravedigger where I was. He told me that I was in Wallingford, England. I completely forgot that I had died while in England. I knew that I needed to get to Sam and Dean, but how? How was I supposed to afford a plane ride from England to America? I didn't even know where they were. I had no clue how long I was out. It felt like an instant, but it could have been weeks. I asked the guy the date and it had been a week since Castiel attacked me. Sam and Dean really could have been anywhere.

The entire time that I was at the hospital I kept thinking of how I was going to get to America. I realized that I needed to summon Castiel and get some answers from him. The doctor didn't find anything wrong with me, but wanted me to stick around so I could talk with the police. That was when I snuck out the window. I had no good story to tell the police.

I found a vacant home and drew the symbols necessary to summon an angel. I said the ritual and a second later Castiel showed up. He didn't look surprised at all. I asked him all the necessary questions and then some in a matter of seconds. He explained to me that this was all part of his plan to get Dean to focus on his fate. He had to clear it with some folks upstairs and they approved of the plan. I told him that I would have liked a heads up that I was going to become human again. He explained that it doesn't work that way. If I knew I was going to be saved I wouldn't have come back as myself. He continued and told me that it turned out I have a vital role in ending the apocalypse. Apparently Dean and I are meant to be together in order to stop Lillith. When Dean is around me he is much stronger. This still didn't explain why I had to become human. Castiel explained to me that it is the only way to fully get Dean to commit. The angels had been looking for me for years, but couldn't find me due to the name change and being on Earth. Once they found out who I really was they were hoping that just being around Dean would work, but it turned out that I would have to a human. I still don't entirely understand it, but I had digested enough for the day. After Castiel was done explaining everything he put his hand on my shoulder and sent me to the diner Sam and Dean were eating at.

I stood there in the parking lot watching them trying to think of the best way to approach them. They were going to freak when they saw me. I kept playing various scenarios in my head when I realized they weren't at their table anymore. I looked for them and saw them walking out of the diner. I got nervous and ran to a park.

I sat down on one of the benches to collect my thoughts. One minute later Anna, the angel who slept with Dean, showed up on the bench next to me. She asked what I was doing sitting in the park. I told her that I was just trying to think of a way to approach Sam and Dean. She told me to just tell them and not think about it. Then she put her hand on my knee and brought me to Sam and Dean's motel. Before I could run she knocked on the door and vanished. I had no time to get out of there because Sam answered the door almost immediately after Anna knocked. Sam just stood there thoroughly thunderstruck. Dean shouted from inside, "Who is it?" Sam didn't respond back because he was still trying to decide whether I was real or a figment of his imagination. Dean came around from the other side of the door asking Sam again who it was before he saw me. Dean's face matched Sam's, but Dean asked pretty quickly if it was really I. I nodded and started walking towards him, but Sam cut me off. He pulled out a knife, pinned me against the wall, put the knife to my throat, and told me to prove it. Dean started yelling at Sam to put the knife down, but Sam wasn't going to give in. I asked him what he wanted me to do to prove it. He ordered Dean to get some holy water. Dean brought a flask of holy water to me and had me take a swig of it. I thanked Sam and said that I was getting thirsty.

Sam finally let me go, but still wasn't convinced that it was me. I took off my jacket and show them my shoulder. Dean asked me if Castiel saved me and then wanted to know why. I told him everything that Castiel told me, or what I could understand. Dean wanted to ask more, but I told him that they would need to wait because I really needed a shower. I hadn't taken one in years.

The shower really was magical. I didn't realize how different my senses were as a demon until that moment. Everything just seems so much better as a human. After the shower I had Dean order me some food and I ate all of it. Dean was impressed because he never knew a girl could eat so much. I reminded him that I have been dead for three years. Once I was done eating I told Dean it was time for bed. I fell to sleep before Dean and woke up to him watching me sleep. I know that sounds sort of creepy and believe me it was, but he said he was still trying to believe I was here. He had dreamt of the day I would return, but he never thought it would come true. I told him he better believe it and then pulled him into me. I gave him a kiss and then went back to sleep. When I woke up this morning Dean was hugging me tightly into him. I had to fight him to let me go.

We are on our way to see my father right now. He has no clue that I am alive. I told Sam and Dean not to say anything because I wanted to tell my father in person. I hope he doesn't get a heart attack when he sees me.

July 6, 2009

This past week has been an interesting one. I'll start from when I saw my father. Shortly after my last entry we arrived at my father's house. His reaction was exactly what I expected out of him. He stood there staring at me for about ten seconds before he came at me like Sam did. Sam and Dean hurried up and stepped in front of me to stop my father. They told him that they already checked to make sure it was really I. He then ordered Sam and Dean to step aside so he could hug me. His hug was so strong that I couldn't breathe. I had to get Dean to help me from suffocating. My father didn't want to let me go. He wanted to know how this was possible. We all explained to him how and why Castiel brought me back.

After my little reveal to my father I asked him if I could have my car back. Dean was surprised that my father kept the Mustang that he made me. He started bragging to Sam about how he built the car by himself. Sam just rolled his eyes and told Dean that was great. My father told me that it needed some work because it hadn't been started since I left. Dean said it was no problem and that he could fix it. I reminded Dean that he had a job to do and didn't have time to fix cars. He wanted to know how I planned on driving the car then. I told him that I would fix it up. He looked at me like I was crazy and didn't know what I was talking about. He forgets sometimes that I am the daughter of a mechanic. My father has been teaching me about cars since I was four. I could probably teach Dean a thing or two about cars. I told him to go inside with Sam and look for some possible signs of Lillith. It took him about ten minutes to finally listen to me. He just didn't want to leave my side. It's like he thinks I'm going somewhere sometime soon. Dean kept looking out the window at me every minute until I came inside. As soon as I came in he pulled me on the couch next to him and wouldn't let me get up unless I had to go to the bathroom. I love that Dean missed me, but I need space to think.

Eventually Dean and I went to bed. Yet again he held me tight so I wouldn't go anywhere. It was sort of uncomfortable. I had to ask Dean to ease up a few times. The next day was when things started to get interesting. I woke up and went to have some breakfast. Of course someone was down there with me. I swear I haven't had a day alone since I came back. Anyways, I was sitting there eating breakfast with Sam when all of a sudden I get this enormous headache. Sam realized right away what was going on. I didn't want to admit what was happening, but I knew I couldn't continue living "normally" for long. My abilities were coming back and fast. The reason nothing happened with Sam there was because he is one of the psychic kids. If Dean were down there with me I probably would have read his mind during that headache. I had sort of forgotten about my abilities until that moment. I was hoping that since I had died I wouldn't have them anymore. I was wrong. Sam then started asking me questions about what I could do. I wasn't exactly sure what all I could do. I stopped at reading minds. Sam told me that we should work on our abilities together to make them stronger. He seemed delighted that I could join him again. He said that we could work together to destroy Lillith.

Speaking of Lillith we haven't been able to track her down. She is keeping quiet right now, which isn't a good sign. This means she is cooking something huge. Dean complained that things were much easier when I was a demon because I could just sense her. I explained to him that it didn't work that way. It wasn't like I meditated on some rock somewhere and focused on finding Lillith. If it were that easy she would be dead right now. I had to find her just like a human. I had to ask around from demon to demon to find out what she was up to. I would listen in on some hunter's conversations to figure out what they know. There are some hunters who know about Lillith and her plans. It is amazing how quickly news travels in the hunting world.

Since Dean, Sam and my father won't let me out of their sight for more than thirty seconds I haven't really been able to talk to Castiel on my own. I really want to ask him if he has any leads on Lillith and what I need to do to get Dean ready. Whenever I think I am alone one of them pops up. I understand that they are worried about me and missed me, but do they really need to be watching me so much. Even when I go to the bathroom and shut the door one of them will knock on the door practically every minute to make sure I am okay. Sam isn't as bad as my father or Dean, but he is still guilty of watching me.

I told Sam that I wanted to work on strengthening my abilities because I want to help with the destruction of Lillith. I've been working on listening to people's thoughts for the past few days and I have gotten pretty good at it. I don't get a headache anymore when I listen. I try not to do it too much because I really don't want to know what people are thinking all the time. It is amazing how many times Dean's head really does go to sex. It is basically every two seconds. I had heard some of the things that he thinks about me and I don't know if I should be flattered or gross out. I definitely don't want to venture into my father's mind. I don't want to know what he is thinking at all. Sam is proud of me for learning how to master this ability. He now wants me to try to figure out what else I can do. It is very frustrating because I can't figure it out. I'll get it eventually.

July 10, 2009

I have figured out what else I can do. I remembered the nightmare I had of Azazel after I mastered reading minds. He told me that I could change those thoughts. I decided to give it a shot. I wasn't sure how to practice this one without feeling evil. Sam told me not to have them do anything they wouldn't want to do.

My first test subject was Dean. I didn't like using him as my guinea pig, but it was either he or my father. I couldn't tell Dean what I was doing or else he would get upset. My plan was to make him do something to me, nothing he wouldn't want to do on his own. I asked Sam how I should do this without Dean getting suspicious. He is going to notice me concentrating and will want to know what I'm doing. Sam said that there was this guy, Andy, who was like us and could control people's minds also. He had learned to use it on people who weren't around him by holding something the victim had touched.

I was a little reluctant at first, but decided there was no harm in trying. Dean was outside talking with my father when I held his leather jacket in my hands. I closed my eyes and focused on listening to his thoughts. I started to hear his thoughts. He kept going between his fate of ending the apocalypse and me. I started commanding him in my head to kiss me now. I figured Dean wouldn't mind doing that. I didn't think it was working until I felt a pair of lips on mine. I opened my eyes and found Dean kissing me. I kissed him back and played stupid by asking him what that was for. He said he didn't know; he just got this sudden urge to kiss me. He then noticed his jacket in my hands and asked why I was holding it. I told him that I was going to bring it to him because I thought he might be cold. He put his hand on my cheek and told me that was sweet, but it was July and eighty degrees outside. I apologized and told him I forgot. He told me not to apologize and then took his jacket out of my hands.

As soon as Dean left my side I went to tell Sam that it worked. Sam was surprised that I learned to use it so quickly. I kept telling him that it wasn't that difficult when I truly tried. Sam became very defensive and asked if I thought he wasn't trying. I think he is trying now, but when we started he was hesitant. Sam apologized for his outburst and admitted that he was getting weak. He wanted to know how he was supposed to get stronger without demon blood. I told him that with enough practice he could stay strong. He didn't really need the demon blood, it was a steroid. It just made him build up muscle faster. Sam wants to train every day until we find Lillith.

July 15, 2009

Sam is getting angry with me because of how strong I am. He doesn't get it and neither do I. I can listen to someone's mind that is over five miles away. Sam still thinks that he needs demon blood to use his abilities. That is part of the reason he is angry with me. I haven't drunk an ounce of demon blood since Azazel bled in my mouth when I was an infant and yet my abilities are incredibly strong. I think it might have something to do with me having been a demon.

Not only is Sam angry with me, but Dean is getting agitated too. He wants to know what Sam and I are doing all the time when we are with each other. For some reason he thinks something else is going on. I keep telling him that we are just training. I haven't told him a single lie about our training. I even told him that if he doesn't trust us he could watch our training sessions. He immediately declined because he doesn't want to see us using the abilities Azazel gave us. Dean says he doesn't care that we are training he just doesn't want to see it. I told him that he just has to trust that there is nothing going on between Sam and I.

July 24, 2009

We've got a lead on Lillith. Castiel found some signs and reported them to us. He told Dean and I that it was time to put an end to this. I didn't quite understand what I was supposed to do. I asked Castiel, but he was of no help to me. He told me that when the time was right I would know what to do. I hate when people say that. I'm supposed to trust my gut instinct?

Sam says that he is ready to fight Lillith, no matter what the cost. I told him we needed to work as a team. Sam and I realized the other day that our abilities work with one another. Mine are mainly psychic while Sam's are more physical. He can torture the body while I torture the mind. Hopefully we will be strong enough against Lillith.

It would be amazing if we got Lillith tonight. I think all of us would rest so much easier with her dead. It is going to take a lot to get rid of her. Castiel says he will help when necessary. My father also insisted on joining us. We all told him that it wasn't necessary, but he said he was coming and that was final. I don't want my father getting hurt or killed. He isn't the youngest guy.

Before we left this morning I asked Dean what he would do if we got Lillith. He said he would take a much-needed nap and then take a break from hunting for a while to focus on starting a family. I decided to tease him a bit and asked whom he planned on starting a family with. He took my hand, gave it a kiss, and then told me to guess. I started throwing out some celebrities' names. Dean started tickling me and told me what I already knew. He said that he wanted to marry me once Lillith was dead. I asked him if he just proposed to me again. He nodded and asked if I accepted. I told him that I wanted to see the ring first. He told me that he still had the one from our previous engagement. I couldn't believe that he had kept it all these years. He said it was in his glove compartment along with our promise ring. I accepted his proposal and gave him a long, passionate kiss. We were about to have some wakeup sex when Castiel showed up. Dean yelled at him and told him to learn to knock. Castiel apologized unsympathetically and said that it was time to go.

It is going to take us a few more hours to get there. Sam and Dean alternate driving every few hours. I keep offering to drive, but Dean keeps telling me that he and Sam have it. My father decided to drive on his own. I told him that wasn't a good way to save mother earth. He asked me when did I become a tree-hugging hippie. I love when my father and I have out little wars of sarcasm.

Just a few more hours and Lillith will hopefully be dead. All of us will be able to say that we put a stop to the apocalypse. Each one of us will play a part.

Dean keeps trying to look at what I'm writing so I should probably stop. I can feel him scanning the page for his name. Hopefully next time I write I will have good news.

July 27, 2009

We didn't get to Lillith on time. She found out we were coming and left her host body. What a coward? Is she that fearful of us?

We were all pissed when we found out. Dean was the most upset. He was ready to put an end to all of this. The entire car ride there he was holding my hand and thinking about how all of this would be over soon. He was so upset when Castiel gave us the news that he punched the hood of the Impala, hard. I was afraid that he broke his hand. I ran over to him to make sure it wasn't broken. He pushed me away and said it was fine. He then started walking down the street; I was going to go after him, but Sam told me to let him vent alone. Sam, my father, and I stayed by our cars for about an hour until Dean came back. He had calmed down and was ready to go to a motel to rest. I went over to him and gave him a big, comforting hug. I whispered in his ear that I loved him so much. He apologized for shoving me earlier and said that he was just not thinking clearly. I told him there was no harm done. Shortly after this we went to the motel.

At the motel we booked two rooms, one for Dean and I and the other for my father and Sam. Part of the reason was that Dean and I wanted to be alone and another was because my father snores like a truck. Dean snores a little, but I've gotten used to it. Dean and I didn't want to be alone for reasons some might think. Both of us weren't in the mood. We just wanted to be alone for that reason, to be alone.

Aug 5, 2009

Just two more seals need to be broken before Lucifer can walk free. Lillith is really taking her time with these final two. Castiel has really been keeping his eyes open for any clues as to what and when they will be broken. All of us are on high alert. We take turns sleeping incase Castiel comes while we are asleep. So far we haven't heard anything.

Anna has also been in contact with us. She is helping Castiel look. Dean acts really nervous around her. I think he still has feelings for her even though she is an angel now. I care that he still has feelings for her, but I don't at the same time. He is with me now and I know that he loves me more than anything. I am the one he is engaged to. Plus I get this feeling like something is going on between Castiel and Anna.

Sam is getting stronger with all the practice we have been doing. He could definitely be a match against Lillith. I really don't understand why I was brought back to help Dean. It seems to me that Sam is really the one who needs me to be human. He needs me because our abilities will basically destroy Lillith when combined. Maybe I'm missing something. Maybe there is something I need to do to help Dean.

Aug 8, 2009

We have found Lillith yet again. This time Castiel and I worked on making some hexbags to throw Lillith off. I don't know why we didn't think of that last time. Another good thing is she is much closer. Instead of basically driving across the entire country we just have to drive through one state. We should be there in a matter of two hours.

We are all really nervous, scared, and excited. We are nervous about what Lillith might do to us, scared about the possibility of being killed, and excited about putting an end to all this. Dean and I are particularly excited because this could mean marriage for the two of us.

Dean wants to get married as soon as this is all over. I really want to have the same ceremony we were going to have in the park, but that is impossible. Pastor Jim, John and Annabelle are all dead now. My father could always marry us because he has his ministry license.

Dean had no idea that Annabelle was Bela. He was shocked that she turned out to be such a bitch. I told him that she just gave up on herself because she was going to die soon. She also didn't really have anyone else. After I had died she had no other close friends. He didn't really seem to care. He said that under no circumstances should someone shoot another over a rabbit's foot. I totally agree with him there, but nonetheless Annabelle was my best friend. She treated me with so much kindness while I was alive. I told Dean all about how she helped me after I left him and with my pregnancy. He still didn't care until I told him about how she took care of Deana for a year and then placed her in a wonderful home. He was very grateful for that.

Anyways, we're getting close to our destination. I don't want to get my hopes up again. Lillith can't get away this time. Sam cannot risk hesitating on using his abilities. He just needs to go in there and nail her to the wall before she can do anything. The hardest part is going to be getting to her. She is going to have a lot of demons protecting her. There are probably going to be lower and upper level demons. Dean can only get so many with the knife. It would be nice if we had the Colt, but no Annabelle had to steal it.

Aug 10, 2009

Talk about an epic battle. The hexbags worked perfectly. Lillith had no idea we were coming, but that doesn't mean it wasn't difficult to get to her. It was a very brutal battle.

We arrived in the neighborhood Lillith was hanging in shortly after my last entry. As soon as we got into the town the demons knew whom we were. I think it mainly had to do with the fact that they couldn't possess any of us. We were protected from them and they knew that meant we were hunters. They immediately cut the power to the Impala and my father's car. Dean cursed incredibly loud because he hated it when the demons did that to his baby. All three of us got our weapons before we stepped out of the car. I was about to step out of the car when Dean pulled me back in. He told me that no matter what happened in there he would always love me. Then he pulled me in for a kiss.

While we were kissing Sam started telling us we needed to get out of the car. At first we thought he was just in a hurry, but when we got out we found that my father was missing. Lillith had taken him. I was freaking out. I had no clue if he was alive or not. I was basically hyperventilating. Dean hugged me as soon as we found out and I just started crying into his shoulder. Castiel showed up and told me that my father was still alive. Lillith was just using him so I wouldn't chicken out. I asked him where my father was. Castiel did his thing where he avoids the question by explaining something else. I didn't care what he had to say; I wanted my father back. I charged Castiel and asked him again where my father was. He paused, closed his eyes, and then told me the exact address. It was a good mile from us. We had to take the entire trip by foot. Castiel said he would meet us there and then did his disappearing trick.

The mile hike to the house took a lot longer than a normal mile walk. We knew we had to be stealthy so we went through backyards. We were about halfway there when suddenly I got pulled back by my hair. The guy threw me into the fence behind us. Dean tried to push him off, but the demon threw him across the backyard with the flick of the wrist. I knew this was the moment Sam and I had been waiting for. Sam made the guy get off of me with his abilities. I moved away from the fence so Sam could pin the guy to it. I focused on listening to the guy's thoughts to find out what he knew about other demons in the area. I found out that there were more demons surrounding Lillith and they were mainly lower-level demons. I told Sam I got everything I wanted and then Sam sent him packing.

Fortunately the guy being possessed was completely unharmed, physically. He was confused as to what was going on. We didn't have time to explain so we briefly told him he was possessed and then we left. I decided to keep my mind reading on so I could hear demons approaching. This really helped us move faster and slower at the same time. I couldn't pin point the demons exact locations. We had to slow down and focus on finding them. There were a few that snuck up behind us, but otherwise we were kicking ass and taking names. Most of the humans being possessed didn't make it after we pulled the demon. We didn't really have time to aid them.

We were getting close to Lillith, I could feel it. She was less than ¼ mile from us. I tried to get inside her head, but she kept blocking me out. She is probably one of the only demons that can block me out. Since I couldn't hear her I decided to listen to my dad. I could hear his thoughts, which was a good thing. As long as I could hear his thoughts that meant he was still alive.

I was focusing so much on listening to my father's thoughts that I neglected to watch out in front of me. I saw that we had run into some stronger demons. Sam was trying to hold them off, but there were too many for him to handle. Dean was trying to stab as many as he could, but they were over powering him. There was also some heading towards me. I didn't know what to do we were cornered. Then Castiel and Anna showed up and started helping us. Castiel went to help Dean while Anna helped Sam. I wanted to know why none of them were helping me.

Castiel and Anna started winning the battle against the demons when out of nowhere they vanished. We were all confused as to where they went. More demons started showing up and attacking us. One of them was holding me back, while the others mainly went after Sam and Dean. Sam and Dean started losing their battles and there was nothing I could do about it. These demons were very strong. I could barely hold on to their thoughts. I saw over the demon's shoulder that Sam and Dean were getting beat badly. Dean looked like he had really given up on fighting. I couldn't see him like that. I got very upset and screamed for them to stop it. This energy burst out of me and sent all of the demons to the center of the three of us. Then one by one they each started puking out of their host.

I had no idea what had just happened. Nothing like that had ever happened to me. Sam and Dean fell to the ground exhausted and injured. I went over to Dean to check on him. I couldn't stand it if he died again. He said he was fine and then asked me to check on Sam. Sam was much better than Dean. He was able to get up on his own and start walking. Dean needed some help getting up. Sam wanted to know how I did that. I didn't have an explanation for him. My biggest concern was what had happened to Castiel and Anna. Where did they vanish to?

We continued on our way to Lillith. When we finally arrived at the house she was staying at none of us knew what to do. I was worried about Dean because he was so weak. He lost a lot of blood and had taken quite a few blows to the head. We each took a deep breath and then started heading into the house. I was listening for my father. He must have heard us enter the house. We tried to stay as quiet as possible. I turned the corner to enter the kitchen when a demon punched me in the face. I grabbed the knife from Dean's pocket and stabbed the guy in the throat. I wasn't going to waste any time saving the poor soul stuck inside. I wanted my father back and Lillith dead. We went upstairs first to check rooms for her. We took turns checking the rooms, but weren't having much luck.

It was finally my turn to check the room. I opened the door and walked in. I couldn't see anyone and was about to leave when the door slammed shut. Sam and Dean immediately started pounding on it and telling me to open the door. I pulled and pulled on the door, but it just wouldn't open. Sam told me to stand back so that he could try kicking the door down. I knew that wasn't going to work.

I went back to pulling on the door when I heard the high-pitched, childlike voice of Lillith. I turned around to find her right behind me. I slammed myself up against the door to get as far away from her as possible. I asked her what she wanted from me. She laughed and asked what made me think she wanted something to do with me. I then asked her where my father was. She told me he was safe for now, as long as I cooperated. She said she needed my help with breaking one of the seals. If I helped her than my father and I could walk free. I told her no deal. My father would kill me if he knew that I spared his life to break one of the last two seals. She then held up a strange looking box and asked me if she added another incentive would I reconsider. I was curious as to what she had in the box. What was so important to me in that box? She told me that she never completely killed Deana. Her soul was trapped in that box. She said she would free her soul and bring her back if that meant helping her. This really made me think about what she was offering me. She would bring back my daughter and allow my father to walk out unharmed. Then I remembered what the outcome would be for my actions. I would be incredibly selfish to take what she was offering me. Save my father and daughter in return of bringing the end of the world. What would be the point of saving them if we were all going to be dead soon? I told Lillith no, again.

This made Lillith very angry. She looked me in the eyes and then said she wasn't digging deep enough. She opened the door and had two demons carry in Sam and Dean. I had no idea what had been going on outside of the room. Turned out Sam and Dean were getting the crap beat out of them. She leaned over both of them and said that she would let all of us walk out the door unharmed with Deana if I helped her. She was very desperate for my help. She could see me thinking about her offer. Then she leaned over to me and said we could do this the easy way or the hard way. She extended her arm towards Sam and Dean. I could see them flinching in pain. I kept telling her to stop, but she wasn't letting up. She asked me which one I cared about most. She started with my father. I could see he was in real pain. I yelled at her to stop, but she said it wasn't him and moved on to Sam. Sam was writhing in pain on the ground, but she wouldn't let up. She wasn't satisfied with my pleas to stop and she moved over to Dean. She didn't even start anything and she already knew she finally made the right choice. She went over to Dean and commented on how lover boy could live if I gave her what she wanted. She said I had ten seconds to decide or else I could say goodbye. She picked Dean off the ground and pinned him to the wall. She started torturing even more than she ever did before. He was screaming in pain and begging her to stop. I was getting furious with her because I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to be the cause for the end of the world, but I didn't want Dean to die again.

I realized then what I had to do. This was the moment Castiel was talking about. Seeing Dean so close to death did something to me that I had never felt before. It was similar to what had happened before, but much stronger. The energy that burst out of me was strong enough to shatter the windows in the entire neighborhood. I screamed at Lillith to go to Hell and never come back. She looked up at me with so much shock. Dean then grabbed the knife and stabbed her multiple times. I crawled over to Dean and took the knife out of his hands.

Lillith was finally dead. Dean looked up at me and smiled, but then collapsed on to the ground. I knew I had to get him to a hospital. Lillith really did a number on him. Sam and my father were hurt too, but were at least conscious. I then remembered the box with Deana's soul in it. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do with it. If I opened the box would her soul move on or would she linger on Earth. I decided I would wait to ask Castiel, wherever he was. Sam helped me carry Dean down while my father helped himself down.

It took Dean about a day to wake up at the hospital. He wanted to know if Lillith was really dead. I told him that I believe she is gone and not coming back. Dean asked me what had happened back there, but I didn't really have an answer for him. I told him that I couldn't stand seeing him die again and I was willing to do anything to save him. It sounds cliché, but love really does conquer all. I asked Dean what we were supposed to do now. He took my hand and said very casually, "Get married." I knew that part, but I wanted to know what the plans were after that. He said that now we live happily ever after.

Now we are just waiting for the doctors to tell Dean he can leave so that we can get married. My father is really excited about this. Sam said that he is happy that his brother finally found someone to settle down with. I asked Sam what his plans were since Lillith was dead. He said that he was going to take a few weeks off and then continue hunting. Hunting is his life now and he couldn't imagine doing anything else anymore.

We are still waiting to hear from Castiel or Anna. They are still missing. I really want Castiel to show up because I need to know what to do with Deana's soul.


	11. Year 2009 pt 2

Aug 25, 2009

It has been over two weeks and we still haven't heard from Castiel or Anna. I'm really getting worried about them. Where did they vanish off to? Dean doesn't understand why I want to find them so badly. I haven't gotten the courage to tell him about Deana's soul. I'm not sure how he will react. I've tried everything I can think of to summon Castiel, but none of it seems to work. What happened to him? Dean thinks that since Lillith is dead Castiel doesn't need to be around us anymore. I don't think Castiel would just disappear like that. He would at least congratulate us on a job well done.

I really want to move Deana's soul on. I don't like her being kept in some box. Dean is curious as to what is in the box. I carry it with me where ever we go because I don't want to lose it. If it gets in the wrong hands who knows what will happen to it.

In other news, after Dean got out of the hospital we all went out to celebrate the death of Lillith. We didn't go anywhere fancy, but we still celebrated. My father set up a little section in a nearby park for us to celebrate. When we got to the park my father told me to wait by the entrance because he had a surprise for me. I turned to Sam and Dean and asked them if they knew what my surprise was. They each shrugged their shoulders and shook their heads. Dean suggested that it might be a pony. I smiled and told him it better be because I never got one when I was a little girl. My father then came from around some bushes and told Sam that he needed his assistance. Sam went back with my father for about ten minutes. While they were away Dean and I kept each other company. I started to get cold so Dean pulled me in and wrapped his jacket around me. I put my head on his shoulder and just breathed him in. I couldn't believe how much more relaxed we were now that Lillith was dead. Dean took my face into his hands and asked me what he did to deserve me. I told him I had no idea, but it must have been good. We were about to kiss when we heard coughing from behind us. We looked over and saw my father watching us. He said that he needed Dean's assistance too with the surprise and then handed me a box and told me to put on what was inside. I didn't want to let go of Dean, but my father insisted that Dean come with him. Dean told me not to worry and then he took off his jacket and threw it over my shoulders. He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and then left with my father.

I was so confused as to what my surprise was. I knew it must've been big if he needed both Winchesters help, but why did he need me to change. I opened the box and found a dress and a pair of shoes in it. This really confused me. It was a very pretty, simple dress. It was spaghetti strap, white with a few pink roses, and hit just above my knees. I went to the Impala and changed in the backseat. I figured I should match the rest of myself to the dress so I fixed my hair and put some makeup on that I had in my bag. After I was done changing I just stood awkwardly by the park entrance waiting for my father to come back for me.

It took another ten minutes before my father came back for me. He held out his hand and told me to follow him. I took his hand and followed him to my surprise. We rounded the corner and I saw that my surprise was my wedding. I stopped as soon as I saw the makeshift altar and Dean standing at the other end. I turned to my father and asked him if this was what I thought it was. He nodded and turned me towards Dean. I couldn't stop smiling the entire time my father was walking me down the aisle. There were a few other guests there, but I didn't recognize any of them. They were some fellow hunters. Dean was dressed in a pinstripe suit that I had never seen before. When I finally got to him I asked if he knew about this surprise. He shook his head and said he was just as shocked. I then leaned over to Sam, who was right next to Dean, and asked if he knew about it. He also shook his head. My father moved up to the front of us and asked the guests to take a seat. He started off with the traditional, "Dearly beloved…" He told Dean and I to face one another and take each other hands. We didn't have a problem with that. My father started giving the speech about the duties of marriage. Dean and I weren't listening to a word he was saying instead we were having our own little silent conversation. I mouthed to him "So much for a pony." He said that he would put in a good word with Santa Claus for Christmas. I told him that he better.

We continued joking with each other until Sam nudged Dean so he would pay attention. We were so into our conversation that we didn't realize it was time to exchange vows. My father asked if we wanted to say our own or go with the traditional ones. Dean looked at my father and said he would like to say his own. This surprised me. Dean turned towards the ten people in the audience and started saying his vows. He told them the story about the first time he ever saw me. How he knew right then that he was in love. He didn't even know me yet, but he knew that I was the only one. I had heard most of this before, but didn't mind hearing it again. He then continued on to some of the stuff that happened after I had left. He told them about how we were originally supposed to get married about four years ago, but I ran out on the wedding. The crowd looked at me like some sort of monster. Dean continued and said he later found out the real reason I left was to save his life. I was glad that he didn't go into detail, but the crowd's view of me changed. He said that when he found out I was dead he didn't know what to think anymore. The crowd then looked confused because I obviously wasn't dead anymore. Once he saw that I was alive again he didn't want to let me out of his sight. He then turned to me, took my hand, and started stating his vows. He said that he promised to take care of me forever and make sure I didn't get hurt. He would stay by my side no matter what and love me for the rest of eternity. I thought that he was finished, but then he added that he would try to clean up after himself. Sam let out a laugh at this one because he knows how messy Dean can be. That was the end of his vows. How was I supposed to follow that?

My father turned to me and told me it was my turn. I squeezed Dean's hand before I let it go. I took a moment to collect my thoughts and then started from the beginning. I told them about the first time I had seen Dean. It was a different reaction then his. I didn't really care for him. I thought he was arrogant and crazy. Dean let out a "What?!" And the crowd started laughing. I continued and explained that I knew nothing about the supernatural world. I thought demons and vampires were just something you saw on television. Once I knew the truth things were different, I was different. I told them about how Sam and I dated first, but when things didn't work out between us I moved to the next best thing. I spared the crowd the details about why Sam and I really broke up. I figured I would save Sam from the pain and humiliation. I continued and told them about the first time I realized Dean had feelings for me. I was so oblivious to how he felt until I really thought about it. Soon after that we started our relationship. Everyone warned me about Dean and his player ways, but I didn't care. I loved him and I wasn't going to let him go. When Dean proposed to me the first time I knew that he loved me and only me. Once I left I couldn't bare being away from him. Everyday I thought about him and wondered if he was thinking about me. When I was brought back by Castiel and he told me about my fate I knew that Dean and I had to be together again. I turned towards Dean, looked him in the eyes, and told him that I loved him everyday while I was in Hell. He was part of the reason I held on to my humanity. Everyday that we were apart was my own personal Hell. I vowed to protect him as much as he has protected me and love him no matter what. I looked up at my father and told him that was all.

He smiled and said, "By the power vested in me I now pronounce you husband and wife." Dean put his hand on my cheek and started pulling me in for the kiss. Our lips were basically touching when my father stopped. He smacked Dean on the back of the head and asked him if he gave him permission to kiss me yet. Dean dropped his hand from my cheek and backed away. I could hear Sam letting out a little laugh at this. My father paused for a good ten seconds before he continued and gave Dean permission to kiss me. Dean pulled me in so I was up against him; he put his hand under my chin, tilted my head up to his, and then gave me kiss. We started kissing each other for about thirty seconds when my father started coughing and Sam started nudging Dean. The crowd started laughing at all of us. Dean and I broke it off and walked up the aisle as husband and wife.

The ten audience members came over to us to congratulate us on our big day. I had no clue who any of them were, besides Missouri. Let's see if I can remember their names correctly, there were Ellen, Jo, Ed, Harry, Maggie, Tamara, Deacon, and some others I can't remember. I didn't really understand why Ed and Harry were there because it didn't really seem like Sam and Dean got along with them. My dad must have called everyone in his phone to come and didn't really think about it. Dean kept me by his side the entire night. I didn't really seem to care because I wanted to be there. The girl Jo didn't seem that thrilled that Dean and I were married. She put on a happy face, but I could tell that it was fake. Ellen, Jo's mother, told Dean to hold on to me because I was a special one. I was flattered and a little weirded out at the same time.

My father and Sam gave a toast in our honor. My father told the story of when he first found out about Dean and I being together. He was concerned about me getting my heartbroken again by a Winchester. He went on and on about all of Dean's flaws until Dean told him that was enough. My father apologized and then said how happy he was that I had found Dean. He then reminded him that his threat of taking his legs if he hurts me at all still stands. Sam's speech was short and simple. He mainly said that he never thought Dean would settle down, but when he is with me everything is different. He said that I made Dean a better person and he was truly happy for the two of us.

After all the toasts were done we all ate some food. My father had a local Thai restaurant cater to us. There was fried rice, pad thai, sesame chicken, and cashew chicken. For music my father had Sam plug his iPod into some speakers. Dean wasn't too happy with the music being played so he looked through Sam's iPod for some decent music. I was sitting at the table digesting my food when I heard our song start playing. Dean came over to me and asked me to dance. I wasn't sure how to dance to this song, but I didn't really have to think about it. Dean started busting out some air guitar moves and told me to join in. At first I was nervous because everyone was looking at us. Dean kept hitting my shoulder and telling me to join in. It took me a few seconds to get over it, but eventually I gave in and joined in on the air guitar. Dean was getting overly excited. We stayed up there for the next half hour just dancing and having a good time. We didn't even notice that some of the guests had joined in on the dance floor. I started getting tired and told Dean that I was ready to go home. I wasn't sure where home was, but Dean said he was ready too.

We said goodbye to our guests and were headed towards the Impala, which had a "Just Married" sign and beer cans strung to the bumper, when my father stopped us. He handed Dean a key card to a Hilton hotel. He said to ask for the Honeymoon suite. Dean and I thanked my father and went on our way.

The hotel was very nice. We told the front desk that we were here for the Honeymoon suite and they brought us up to our room. One of the staff members took us to our room and showed us what all was included in the Honeymoon suite. The room was huge. It was actually multiple rooms. There was a living room when we walked in, a bedroom, a kitchenette, and two bathrooms. In the bedroom there was a Jacuzzi. The hotel also gave us complementary champagne and mini-bar. The guy congratulated us and then left us alone. I couldn't believe we were in the Honeymoon suite. I couldn't believe that we were finally married.

I got this sudden burst of energy and ran over to the couch. I wanted to feel how soft it was. It was one of the most comfortable couches I ever sat on. I told Dean he had to sit on it to believe me. Dean came over to the couch and said he didn't really want to sit on the couch. I pulled him down to me and made him sit on the couch. He commented on how it was very comfortable and then he started kissing me. I stopped him before he got too far and told him we should move into the bedroom. He agreed and picked me up so he could carry me over the threshold. He carried me over to the bed and gently laid me down. I unzipped my dress from the back and then wiggled my way out of it. Dean started to unbutton his shirt, but it was taking too long. I got up and started helping him. I kissed him gently on the lips and crawled into the bed. Dean just stood there looking at me. I asked him what he was waiting for. He said he was just taking it all in. I was officially Mrs. Dean Winchester. I gave him a moment and then told him to show me what it means to be Mrs. Winchester. He said "Yes, ma'am," and then crawled into the bed with me.

It was one long night. I don't think we officially fell asleep until 5:00 am. We called for some room service at about noon to refuel and then we continued celebrating our own way. We put every room and the Jacuzzi to use in the suite. We were both incredibly sore by the next day.

My father had booked the room for two nights. We didn't want to leave the room, but we knew we had to. We left the room on the second day and went to the motel my father and Sam were staying at. This place was so dingy compared to where we were just staying. When we got to the motel Dean and I just wanted to sleep. Sam greeted us at the door and asked how our stay at the Hilton was. I looked at him and asked if he really wanted to know. He cringed and then decided to take back the question. I hit him on the shoulder and asked how the past two days were with my father. He said they just hung around the area and didn't do much. Dean and I rested up in the motel room and then we all went back to my father's house to relax for a few weeks. I felt bad invading my father's house, but he said it was fine because it reminded him of the good, old days when I was young. Since Dean and I are married he allowed us to stay in the same room.

Sept 18, 2009

We finally found Castiel and Anna. Turns out some demons captured them. The only reason we found them was because of me. I thought that something had to be up and made the connection one night while asleep. I woke up suddenly and told Dean that Castiel and Anna were being held captive by demons. He just rolled over and told me to go back to sleep. I started shaking him so he would wake up and repeated myself. Dean sat up and told me it was impossible because nothing could hold an angel. I reminded him that there was none that we knew of. If there was something strong enough to hold a demon like Alistair there had to be something to hold angels. I told Dean it was the only logical thing I could think of. He asked me if we could continue this conversation in the morning. Even though I wanted to check it out right away I curled up next to him and fell back to sleep.

It was very weird when I fell to sleep because I felt like I was Castiel or Anna. I could very vividly see where they were and what was going on. I saw this large man with white eyes approaching me with some sort of torturing device. I couldn't tell exactly what it was, but when he pierced me with it I felt this stinging pain all over my body. I sprang out of bed and screamed in pain. I put my hands on my stomach where he had poked me and saw that I was bleeding. Dean ran out of bed and asked me what happened. I explained the dream to him very briefly. He pulled up my shirt so he could see my wound. It was a pretty deep cut. Dean went to the bathroom to get some band-aids for it. As he was in the bathroom Sam came into the room and said that he heard screaming. He saw my stomach and the blood and wanted to know what happened. I told him what I had told Dean, and Sam was worried about what it meant. Then my father came in, and I went through the same thing with him. He told me that Castiel must have been channeling through me to help him. Why would Castiel channel through me? I mean I am one of the ones he saved, but so is Dean. My father didn't know and told me we needed to find him before something else happens to him. Dean came back from the bathroom and bandaged up my stomach.

They told me to focus on what I saw and think about where they could possibly be. I tried to figure it out, but couldn't find anything that stuck out. I kept trying to get into Castiel's head, but it wasn't working. After about five minutes of trying I got through. I looked around the room and saw that the demon was gone. I saw Anna sitting next to me and asked her where we were. She looked at me confused and then asked if it was Sophie. I nodded and asked her the same question. First she cursed and said that Castiel had some nerve channeling through a human. Then she said she wasn't sure exactly where they were, but they weren't too far from where Lillith was hiding. I told her to sit tight because we were coming for them. She warned me that it wasn't safe and to come prepared to fight harder than before. I nodded and then went back to my own body.

I told Sam, Dean, and my father about what Anna told me and we headed on our way. We weren't sure where to look for them, but I had this feeling like Castiel would lead me to them. I was right. As we were driving I would suddenly tell Dean where the next turn would be. It was like I was a human GPS. I told Sam that he needed to be ready to use his abilities. He said he was ready. I could tell when we were getting close.

I fell to sleep during the ride and went back into Castiel's head. The demon was torturing him again. This time I could see what he was torturing him with. He had Lucifer's sword and was dipping it into demon blood. The two combined are like my demon-killing knife dipped in holy water and salted with rock salt to a demon. He stabbed Castiel in the stomach and I felt it immediately. I sprang awake again and felt the wetness on my t-shirt. Dean pulled over and had me get out of the car so they could take a look at the damage. I kept fighting him and telling him to keep going, but he wouldn't give up. I told him it wasn't that bad, which was a lie because it hurt so much. I just didn't want Dean to be upset with Castiel. Sam held my hands so I couldn't fight Dean anymore while Dean lifted up my shirt to inspect the damage. They both looked at me with shock. Sam said there was no way I should be alive with that sort of wound. Dean asked my father if he could patch me up. My father looked at it and said that he could try, but he didn't have any painkillers. I told my father that I could take it. He brought out his sewing kit and started stitching it up. He wasn't sure if it would hold, but he told me not to move around too much.

Dean told Sam to drive the rest of the way so he could sit in back with me. I rested my head on Dean's lap while he stroked my hair. I couldn't even see where we were, but I was able to tell Sam when he was supposed to turn. Dean said Castiel was going to get a talking to after this was all over. Channeling through me was not a good idea in Dean's book. I was perfectly fine with it. I mean I didn't like the pain I was going through, but if it saved Castiel and Anna I was all for it. As we were driving I decided to tell Dean about what was in the box I was carrying around. He didn't know how to respond to that. I told him that I really needed Castiel to come out of this so that he could help move Deana's soul along. Dean promised me that we would move Deana's soul along one way or another.

I was about to thank Dean when I shouted for Sam to stop the car. Sam stopped and asked me what was wrong. I sat up slowly and pointed to the warehouse across the street. That was where Castiel and Anna were being held. Sam pulled into the parking lot and got out of the car. I started to head for the door when Dean asked me where I thought I was going. I told him I was going to save Castiel. He very forcefully told me that I was staying in the car. My father and Sam agreed with him. My father told me that I could very easily open up my stitches and possibly bleed to death. I wasn't going down without a fight. Sam came over to me, took my hand, put it against the door, and handcuffed me to it. Dean said that was very kinky and then said it was time for them to go. I asked him what I was supposed to do if any demons attack me. He handed me some holy water and a shotgun with some ammunition. I wasn't that upset that they handcuffed me because I had a bobby pin in my hair that I could use to pick the lock. Dean must've heard my thoughts because he came back and took the bobby pins out of my hair.

I sat in the car feeling completely useless, but I guess they were just protecting me. My stomach really did hurt a lot. I tried to block out the pain, but I couldn't. I also wanted to know what was going on in the warehouse. Were they winning or were the demons winning? How many demons were in there? I was too weak to try to read Dean's mind to find out. I also knew I couldn't fall to sleep because then I would go back into Castiel's mind, who knew what was going on in that warehouse. I didn't want to get injured anymore than I already was. I wasn't sure how much time had passed, but it felt like forever to me. I really started to get worried when the sun started going down. I wasn't going to be able to see if anything was approaching the car. They also forgot to leave me with a flashlight.

It was getting pretty dark so I had to squint to see in front of me. I heard the door open, but couldn't see who was there. I held the shotgun in one hand and the holy water in the other. I felt a hand clasp around my ankle and they started pulling me towards them. I started kicking franticly and threatened to shoot them. I didn't get very far because of my hand being handcuffed to the driver's side door. They wouldn't stop pulling me. I was in even more pain because of the pressure building on my hand. I started jerking my ankle to get it out of the person's grasp, but it wouldn't work. I had dropped the shotgun and spilled all the holy water on my seat. I felt around for the shotgun, but couldn't find it anywhere. The person pulled me incredibly hard and the handcuffs broke. I could feel that my stitches had opened and I was bleeding again. I still had no clue who was attacking me, but I knew they weren't human at the moment. I was in so much pain that I thought I was going to pass out. I kept holding on to consciousness as hard as I could. The guy picked me up and threw me over his shoulder. He hadn't said a single word during this entire endeavor. I had a feeling he was working for whoever was in charge. I felt completely helpless. Where were Sam and Dean?

The guy carried me into the warehouse, which didn't have any lights on. I thought it would have been helpful to have some lights on so I could see who was carrying me. He carried me down some stairs and then threw me onto some cold hard cement. I tried to fight him, but I had no strength left. He took my hands and tied them around some pole. He finally spoke for the first time and told me to sit tight. I wondered where he thought I was going with my hands tied up. As I sat there waiting I tried my hardest not to pass out. My eyes kept trying to shut, but I wasn't going to let them go. I saw the door open, but then I blacked out.

When I opened my eyes I was in the Impala resting my head on Dean's lap again. I had wondered if it was all a dream. I asked Dean what happened and he looked very relieved to see me awake. He told me that everything was going to be fine and to just rest up. I asked him what happened to Castiel and Anna. He reassured me that they were freed. He then told me to close my eyes and just focus on resting. I wanted to stay awake, but my eyes decided to obey him.

When I woke up the next time I was in a hospital bed with several machines hooked up to me. Dean had pulled the chair up next to me and was holding my hand. He was keeled over sleeping with his head on my hand. I brought my free hand to the top of his head so I could stroke it. He woke up and looked at me. I could tell that he had been up for days worrying about me. He had tears in his eyes and said it was good to see me awake. I asked him how long I was asleep for. It had been an entire week since we had saved Castiel and Anna. I thought that I had only been asleep for maybe an hour. I looked around the room and noticed that no one else was in there with us. I asked Dean where my father and Sam were. He told me that I was placed in intensive care and they would only allow family in. I didn't understand my father was family. He added that they also wouldn't let more than one in at a time. He said that they switched off every few hours.

I asked him about what happened after I had passed out. He said that after they found Castiel and Anna they went back to the car to leave, but I wasn't there. They knew that wasn't good so they started looking for me. When they found me I was pretty badly beaten and was in a pool of my own blood. They untied me from the pole and kept an eye out for the demon responsible. No one came for them as they were carrying me out and never got to see who did this to me. I asked him how bad my injuries were. He said that I had some emergency surgeries on some organs and lost a lot of blood. They were able to fix what they could, but the rest was up to my body. They didn't know if I would wake up. He pleaded with Castiel to heal me, but Castiel kept refusing. He said that he would make sure I survived, but he would not heal me completely.

I became furious with this news and told Dean that Castiel did this to me and he could have at least taken away the pain. Dean agreed and reassured me that Castiel is aware of this. He said that was why Castiel left. I asked him if he ever did anything about Deana's soul. He nodded and said Anna took care of that. I asked him if Anna left too. He said she did, but not for good. She promised to watch over us to make sure nothing happened. Dean wasn't upset with her because she agreed that what Castiel did was idiotic. He knew better than to channel through someone. Castiel knew what would happen to me every time that he got wounded. He didn't care because he was desperate to get out.

Shortly after this I fell asleep again. I woke up several hours later to the doctor checking on my wounds. He said it was strange because my wounds seem to be healing a lot faster than they should. The next day they took me out of intensive care. Sam was very happy to see me for the first time in a week. He commented on how much better I was looking and then stayed in the room along with Dean and my father. It has now been a week since I have woken up and the doctors still haven't let me leave. They said I could probably go home tomorrow, but we'll have to wait and see.

So, even though we found Castiel and Anna they are no longer with us. They are both back in Heaven. I'm happy that I helped them get freed, but did I almost have to die in the process?

Sept 29, 2009

So I found the weirdest series of books. While I was at the hospital the volunteer candy striper came around with a cart of books. I decided to look through them to see if there were any interesting ones. I was looking through them when one caught my eye. It was titled _Supernatural_. I picked it up and read the back cover. It sounded interesting so I took it to read.

I should have read the back a little closer because I would have noticed something very strange. The names of the main characters were Sam and Dean. They are two demon-hunting brothers who drive around in the '67 Chevy Impala. Dean is the obedient one who listens to his father's orders while Sam wants to lead a normal life and become a lawyer. I felt like I was reading about my Sam and Dean. I read the book in less than a day because of my curiosity.

The book was about a scarecrow. Sam and Dean had split up because Sam wanted to find their father while Dean wanted to investigate the hunt. It felt so weird to me. I felt like I was reading about a real time in Sam and Dean's life. I decided to casually ask Dean to find out if it really happened. I asked him if he ever had to deal with pagan gods. He was confused by the question, but told me he had dealt with a few. He wanted to know why I asked. I told him I was reading about one in a book and wanted to make sure the facts about them were true. I had him tell me about one. He immediately went to the one about the scarecrow. I couldn't believe what I was hearing from him it was exactly what had happened in the book. I asked him if he did the hunt alone or if someone helped him. He said that Sam was being stubborn and left him to investigate by himself. Once he told me this I didn't know what to think anymore. I couldn't believe it.

I decided to do some research about the books. I had to find out what else was being written. There were several websites dedicated to the books. The fan base seems like a pretty strong one, but there haven't been any new books in over a year. The fans are getting anxious about what happens next. The most recent one is about Dean's death. I looked at some of the forums to find out what the fans were talking about and was rather surprised. They each had their opinions about some of the storylines. I also found that there are Sam-girls, Dean-girls, and Slash-girls. At first I thought Slash-girls just couldn't pick which brother they liked more, but it was much worse than that. They were talking about Sam and Dean being lovers. I was thoroughly disgusted. They are brothers. I understand that they are both very attractive guys but seriously. I looked some more at the forums and found some comments about Ruby. These comments really interested me. I wanted to know what they thought of her because they would basically be talking about me. A lot of them were what I had expected. There were a lot of comments about how Sam and Dean shouldn't trust her because she is a demon. However there were others who felt that she was just trying to help them. I liked those comments.

After I found out that I was in the books I decided to read some of the ones featuring me. It was freaky. I felt like this Carver Edlund was writing about my life. He had everything down. He even described how I looked perfectly. I wouldn't have been able to describe the features of that body any better. I had to find this guy. I had to track him down and find out how he knew so much about our lives. I found out very quickly that Carver Edlund was a pen name, like Mark Twain. I've decided that I'm going to have to contact the publisher because they would have his real name on record.

Sam and Dean have no clue about any of this. I think it would just freak them out even more.

It is going to be near impossible for me to get away from them to talk to the publisher. I have only been out of the hospital for a week. I've been able to do most of the research privately because I'm stuck inside most of the day. Sam let me borrow his laptop so I could keep myself occupied. Now I just need to figure out a way to get to the publisher without them noticing. I don't really want to run away because they would get too worried about me. I might just have to tell them the truth.

Oct 5, 2009

I found who has been writing about our lives. I thought that I had snuck out of the house properly, but Dean heard me and decided to follow. I didn't know he was following me until I got to the publisher's house. As I was ringing the doorbell he ran up the front steps and asked me what I was doing. I didn't have time to explain I just told him to play along.

The woman opened the door and asked us to come in. I introduced myself as Sophie and Dean as Steve. I told her that we were interested in writing a much-needed article about _Supernatural_ to help it get the credit it needed. She was very excited about this news. I asked her if I could get the address of the author so I could ask him or her a few questions. She refused to give me the information because the author was a very private person. I begged her to give me the information. I told her I was a huge fan of the books and felt like I really knew the characters. She agreed with me and said that Dean was her favorite. She explained how he put on this hard shell, but he was really this sensitive guy who just wanted to protect his brother.

It didn't take Dean very long to figure out that she was explaining him. Dean asked if he could talk to me real fast in private. He pulled me into the kitchen and told me to explain what was going on. I pulled out a copy of _Supernatural_ from my bag and told him to read the first page. He didn't even finish the first page when he asked me if this was some sort of sick joke. I shook my head and told him that I was trying to figure out who wrote them so I could find out how they knew so much about our lives. I told him I would show him everything I found out after we finish with the publisher. He nodded his head and then we went back out.

When we went back out Dean and I worked on convincing the publisher that we really loved these books. She finally bought it after Dean showed her his protective tattoo. She looked at me and asked if I had one too. I was a little hesitant at first, but then I lifted up my hair and showed her the one I had on the back of my neck. Dean was surprised that I had one. He had no clue that I had ever gotten one. She was convinced after this and then told us the guy's real name was Chuck and gave us his address.

Before we went to talk to Chuck, Dean had me show him everything I found out about the books. I shared as much as I could. He was just as grossed out about the Slash-fans as I was. He told me that he had to tell Sam and my father because they were just as much a part of this as we were. I knew he was right, but I told him that we shouldn't all approach Chuck. It will be overwhelming for him already with us two. Dean agreed and said he would call Sam to tell him the news and then we could go find this Chuck guy.

His house wasn't too hard to find. When we got to the front step Dean and I both hesitated before he finally rang the doorbell. I took his hand and gave it a squeeze. About ten seconds later Chuck answered the door. He looked to be in his thirties and was wearing a bathrobe with boxers and a wife-beater underneath. He hadn't shaved in days and probably hadn't put a comb through his hair ever. He asked us what we wanted. Dean introduced himself and told Chuck that he has been writing about his lives. Chuck shook his head and then slammed the door shut. Dean looked at me annoyed and then rang the doorbell again. Chuck answered and asked if he was some crazy fan. Dean pushed his way into the house and started drilling Chuck. He wanted to know how he knew so much about his life. Chuck wasn't buying it. Dean dragged him outside to show him his car and what was in the trunk. Chuck still didn't believe him. Dean was getting furious. He was shouting at Chuck that he was Dean.

Then my father and Sam pulled up to the house. Sam got out of the car and asked what was going on. I told him that Chuck wouldn't believe who we were. I hadn't really said anything the entire time until I explained the situation to Sam. Chuck just rolled his eyes and asked if he was supposed to believe that he was Sam. Sam went over to Chuck and introduced all four of us. After Sam introduced me Chuck looked surprised. He said that he never wrote about me in the published books. Dean asked him if he was still writing. He nodded and told us he kept writing after the publisher went bankrupt because that was all he knew. He said that in his recent works he has written about the one that got away and then he pointed to me. Dean charged him and asked how he knew so much about our lives. Chuck said he didn't know he just got visions of it and then he wrote it down. I asked him if he was working on anything at the moment. He nodded and said that it wasn't any good.

We all followed him into his house. Dean snagged the manuscript out of Chuck's hands and started reading it out loud. It explained everything that had just happened in detail. This was too much for me to handle so I started walking towards the door so I could get some fresh air. As I was walking to the door Dean was narrating my actions. I turned around and told him to shut up. He then read from the page that I told him to shut up. I turned back around and went out the door.

Several seconds later I heard the door open. I thought it was Dean, but I was wrong it was Chuck. He asked me if I was okay, but I asked him what he thought. I told him that he probably had this scene already written down. He shook his head and said that not everything was written down. I asked him what he knew about me. He said he knew me more than I probably knew myself. I was the strongest character he has written about. I didn't think that was true; Dean is much stronger than me. He shook his head and said that Dean didn't have to sit through Hell as long as I did. I was the only demon to hold onto their humanity. I was the only demon going against my own. He then mentioned how I was the only one who could kill Lillith. I asked him if he was ever going to publish the rest of the series. He said he might, but since his publisher went bankrupt he couldn't find anyone else to publish him. Part of me didn't want him to publish the books, but another part of me did. People should know what Sam and Dean have gone through. Chuck said he was really happy when he saw that I was alive again. Dean then walked out to the front porch. He said it was time to head back to the motel.

In the car Dean said he wanted to find out how Chuck was doing this. I totally agreed with him. Dean then turned towards me and gave me this face of disgust. He then said that Chuck has probably seen us having sex. I hadn't really thought about that, but it was probably true. Although, Chuck did say that not everything was written down. Maybe he saw us close to having sex and then just assumed the rest. I hope that is the case. That made me feel very dirty. From now on whenever Dean and I are close to or are having sex I'm going to be wondering with Chuck already saw this happen. It is going to put a damper on our sex life. Dean and I have already gone three weeks without sex because of my injuries. Now I'm going to be holding back because of Chuck. Why does he have to have visions of our lives? More importantly, why is he having visions of our lives? Is he psychic?

Oct 7, 2009

Well, we know why Chuck can see our future. It sounds completely absurd to me and I'm still having trouble believing it.

Yesterday Chuck called Dean telling him that he needed to talk to us ASAP. We all drove over to his house to hear what Chuck had to say. Apparently he saw that the demon that kidnapped Castiel and Anna and tortured me was in town. He warned me that he was coming for me. Dean wanted to know if there was a way to stop the demon. Chuck said he had no clue because he hadn't seen that far. The last thing he saw was me at the motel facing off against the demon. After a long pause I finally asked who the demon was. Chuck told me the name and I couldn't believe it.

Astaroth is one of the highest-level demons after Lucifer, but Lucifer isn't technically a demon. Astaroth is basically the treasurer of Hell. I met him once while I was in Hell and he just reeked of evil. I have no clue what will kill him, but the knife is definitely not going to work. A devil's trap will just slow him down, but not stop him completely. Once Chuck gave me the news I didn't know what to say or think. Dean knew the name too because of when he was in Hell. Sam and my father were the only ones who didn't know who Astaroth was. I explained to them who he is and they knew that was bad news.

Dean asked for what Chuck had written so we could figure out what to do. Sam figured that if we didn't stick to the pages then we could never get to the end result. We each liked his theory, but in the end it didn't work. No matter what we did to change what happened in the chapter it still came true. Dean was thoroughly upset and went to find Chuck. He wanted to know why this was all happening.

Sam, my father, and I stayed back at the motel while Dean went to have his chat with Chuck. I was nervous because of who was coming for me. Sam recommended that we prepare to fight, but I had a feeling that fighting was useless. Sam wasn't going to go down without a fight and started painting a devil's trap under the carpet. I kept telling him that wouldn't work, but he told me to stop being so pessimistic.

About an hour later Dean came through the door and didn't look very happy. I went over to him, gave him a kiss, and then asked what happened at Chuck's. This is when things got weird. He said that Castiel showed up and told him that Chuck was a prophet. I laughed and asked if he was writing the Winchester Gospel. He nodded and said that was exactly what he was writing. I started laughing really hard, but Dean wasn't joining in. I apologized and said it just sounded so crazy. He agreed, but said that it was all true and that anything that Chuck wrote will come true. I then realized that he had said Castiel showed up. Dean explained that since Astaroth has risen Castiel was sent back to help us. Dean could tell that I wasn't very happy about this news.

Since we knew I was going to have a run in with Astaroth we decided it would be best to prepare for his arrival. I waited in the motel by myself for the longest time. I was so scared. What was Astaroth going to do to me? Was he going to kill me? He finally showed up around 11:30. He didn't attack me when he arrived. I asked him what he wanted. He put up his hands and said he just wanted to talk. I told him to go ahead. As he was talking I was slowly leading him to the devil's trap. It was working until he stopped talking, pushed me out of the way, lifted up the carpet, and destroyed the devil's trap. He then continued from where he left off. Basically he was just talking about Hell and how they are so ready for the apocalypse to start. He then moved on to how he loved me not being a demon anymore. He punched me and said that I was much more vulnerable now. It was so much easier to kill me and torture me. He started coming towards me when Dean ran in with Chuck. Astaroth turned around and greeted Dean. Dean told Astaroth that he better leave because Chuck is a prophet and has an archangel sitting on his shoulder just hoping to tear apart a demon. Astaroth didn't believe Dean until the room started shaking. Astaroth took himself out of his host and left us alone. Dean ran over to me to make sure I was okay. I told him I was fine.

Not long after Dean came in for the save Sam and my father showed up. They were happy to see that Astaroth didn't do much damage. I asked Dean how he knew about Chuck and he admitted that Castiel gave him the hint. Chuck then said it was time for him to leave. There was just one thing I wanted to know before he left. I waited until he was out the door and away from everyone else to ask him. It was sort of a personal question. I asked him if he sees it when Dean and I have sex. He started to blush and I could tell that was a yes. He said he only saw it when it was relevant to the story. I asked him how many times he had seen it. He told me that he never saw the full act because it would usually stop after we got to a certain point and he would fill in the blanks. He then answered the question and told me that it has really only been like two times. I thanked him for everything and started heading back for the motel.

As I was walking back the lights outside started flickering. At this point in my life I know that flickering lights are not nothing. I was worried because I had no clue who was about to show up. I started looking around for who was causing the electricity problem when I finally found the cause. It was Anna. I asked her what she wanted. She said that we needed to talk. She then corrected herself and said that really Castiel wanted to talk to me, but she recommended that he stay away from me. I thought that was very wise. She continued and said that I needed to stop Astaroth from continuing where Lillith left off. I asked her if it was ever going to end. At first she thought I meant the world, but she realized her mistake and admitted that she wasn't sure if anyone would try to raise Lucifer after Astaroth. That wasn't very comforting. I wanted to know when it was all going to end. I'm really tired of fighting.

Anna was about to leave when I told her I had a question for her. She turned around and put her hand out for me to continue. I asked her what she meant when she told Dean she would take care of Deana's soul. She didn't really understand the question. I rephrased it and asked what happened to Deana's soul. She came over to me, put her hand on my stomach, and said it was taken care of. Then she turned around and started walking towards the darkness.

What did that mean? Am I pregnant? Is Deana's soul in my unborn child? How can I be pregnant, Dean and I haven't gotten intimate since before I got injured. Dean is too afraid that my wounds will open up. If I were pregnant before the doctors at the hospital would have told me. I kept shouting at Anna to come back and explain, but she just ignored me. I really wanted to know what she meant. Maybe Chuck will know what she meant. I can ask him.

It would be nice to be pregnant, but at the same time with this new demon wanting me dead I'm not sure how safe it would be. I don't know if I could take losing another child. I've already been pregnant twice before and I have nothing to show for it. If I am pregnant I'm probably not going to celebrate until I give birth to the baby and bring it home safely. Even then I probably won't let the kid out of my sight. It's one thing to lose your child because of something health related and another to have them taken away by demons. I don't have to worry about Azazel or Lillith taking away my baby, but now there is Astaroth to worry about. I'm getting ahead of myself I don't even know if I'm pregnant.

Oct 9, 2009

Chuck has no clue if I'm pregnant. He says he hasn't seen anything, but that doesn't mean it isn't possible. He admitted that he doesn't see much about my life. He sees only what happens to Sam and Dean. When I reveal something to them then he knows what is going on. So that means I could be pregnant, but keep it from Dean for some reason. Chuck also said that the future is subjective. I corrected him and said most of the future is subjective unless he writes it down. He apologized for not having an answer for me and then congratulated me in advance if it was true. Shortly after my talk with Chuck we all left him to go back to my father's house. Dean wants to continue our vacation from hunting.

When I got home I went to the local drugstore and bought two pregnancy tests. I needed to take two just incase. Both of them came back negative. I was relieved, but confused at the same time. Why did Anna put her hand on my stomach and say it was taken care of? I'm not pregnant. I really don't want to be pregnant, yet. Once my life is less complicated I can have a family. Who knows when that is going to happen.

Oct 14, 2009

Sam found my failed pregnancy tests in the trash. He wanted to know why I was taking them. I thought it was pretty obvious. I asked him if it really mattered because I clearly failed. He just wanted to know if I thought I was pregnant. I got annoyed with his stupid questions and told him I thought so, but I'm not. Sam could tell I was getting frustrated and asked if I wanted to start a family. I gave him my thoughts on starting a family and he agreed. Before we parted ways I made Sam promise not to tell Dean. Sam said it was our little secret.

Oct 20, 2009

My wounds are officially healed. The doctor said everything healed properly and I should be able to go back to my normal life. If only he knew what that meant. He said that there will still be some tenderness in the stomach area, but otherwise I shouldn't feel any pain. Dean was there for the entire doctor's visit. He insisted on coming with. Dean was happy to hear about returning to normal life. He did ask the doctor if that included physical activity. At first the doctor thought he meant sports, but soon got the hint. He told Dean that we could also go back to our normal sex life.

On our way home from the doctor Dean pulled over and said that he couldn't take it anymore. I had no clue that Dean wanted me that badly. He turned towards me and started kissing me. I broke away from him so I could ask what came over him. He started kissing my neck and asked between kisses if it was a crime for a husband to want his wife. I took his head in my hands and told him it wasn't, but I didn't want to have sex in the car. It's not the most comfortable place. Dean said he didn't know how long he would be able to hold on. He didn't want my father or Sam to hear us. I agreed, but I didn't want to do it in the Impala. He let out a big sigh and started the car. I gave him a kiss on the cheek and apologized. He pulled back on to the road upset.

When we got to my father's house we found that it was empty. Both, Sam and my father, were gone. We found a note on the table stating that they left to go on a hunt. I thought Dean would be disappointed that they left without us, but he wasn't. He took my hand and said it was like the good old days. I wanted to know which days he was talking about because the only time we spent alone in this house was before we were together.

Dean pulled me into him and gave me a good, long kiss. He picked me up and carried me up the stairs. He had no trouble at all carrying me up. When we got to our bedroom he gently placed me on the bed. He asked quickly if I had any pain. I shook my head, got up on my knees, and pulled him into bed with me. Dean got on top of me and started teasing me by doing his thing where he just brushed his lips on mine, but doesn't fully kiss me. He kept doing that for about ten seconds until I couldn't take it anymore and pulled him in for a kiss. We proceeded to undress each other. Once my shirt was off Dean started tracing my scars with his fingers. He asked me again if it hurt. I took the hand he was using to trace the scar and told him that I didn't feel any pain. He could tell that I was annoyed by his questions. He pulled me in for a quick kiss and said he only asks because he loves me so much. I knew that, but I didn't mind hearing it. After that he proved how much he loved me, twice. We fell to sleep around midnight.

Around 5am we both woke up because we were starving. We didn't even bother getting dressed because it was just the two of us. As we were raiding my father's fridge Dean asked me if I ever thought about having kids. I turned around to face him and told him that I had given it some thought. I continued and told him what I had been thinking about. He took my hand and said that we would work through it together. I still was apprehensive. Dean then reminded me that he wasn't getting any younger. In just a few more months he would be thirty-one. I told him that wasn't that old to have a baby. He told me that he didn't want to be a senior citizen when his kid is a senior in high school. He was being a little over dramatic, but I saw his point. I asked Dean if he even liked kids. He said that he may not be the nicest guy to kids sometimes, but our kid would be an exception because it would probably be the coolest kid ever with his genes. I rolled my eyes and told him to give me some time to think about it.

Nov 7, 2009

I didn't get very much time to think about starting a family. Apparently I'm pregnant. I got the word from Anna. I couldn't take not having my questions answered and summoned her to me. I asked her to explain the hand on my stomach thing. She came over to me again, put her hand on my stomach again, and said that everything was going as planned. I grabbed her before she could go anywhere and asked her what that meant. She looked at me and asked how the past few days with Dean were going. I could tell by her tone of voice that she was hinting at something. I told her that it wasn't possible for me to be pregnant because Dean and I had been using protection. She shook her head and reminded me that there was a 1 in 100 chance of getting pregnant with our type of protection. She put her hand on my stomach and told me to take care of this one. She was about to leave when I asked her if Deana's soul was in my unborn child. She turned towards me and said in a sarcastic tone that nothing gets by me. Then she vanished.

I sat there thinking about what she had just told me. I didn't believe it. I had to make sure it was true myself. I went back to the drugstore and bought two more pregnancy tests. The clerk recognized me from the last time I bought the tests and she gave me the dirtiest look. I didn't like her looking at me like that. I held up my ring finger and showed her the ring. I said, "I'm married, you bitch." I couldn't believe that I said that. She looked at me completely shocked. She didn't know what to say back to me. I grabbed my tests and went out to my car.

I was about to get in my beautiful Mustang when I heard someone shouting my name. It was a guy's voice. I recognized it, but wasn't sure who it was until I turned around. Standing in front of me was Nate, my ex-boyfriend. I couldn't believe he still lived here. He automatically started complimenting me on how gorgeous I looked. I told him he looked good too. He really did look good. He looked almost the same, but a little older. His muscles were more defined and he learned how to do his hair properly. He asked me what I had been up to. I wasn't sure how to answer the question so I just told him that I had been on the road a lot lately. Before he could ask me to elaborate I asked him the same question. He told me about how he graduated with a degree in mathematics, but was really struggling to find a job because of today's economy. I told him that was awful and was about to get in my car when he suggested we go out for dinner sometime to catch up. I could tell that he was trying to ask me out on a date. I held up my ring finger and told him it would be nice, but I'm married. I could see the letdown on his face when he saw the ring. He asked me who the lucky guy was. I told him it was Dean and then finally got into my car. He came over to the open window and congratulated us. He said his offer for dinner still stands. Then he wrote down his new cell number and gave it to me. I took it to be nice, but I have no intention of calling him.

When I got home Dean attacked me right away. He came up behind me, put his arms around my waist, pulled me in, kissed my neck, and told me he missed me. He continued to kiss my neck and each time he would change sides I would feel his breath tickle the back of my neck. He knew just what to do to get me in the mood. He stayed behind me the entire time he was kissing my neck. As he was doing that he also guided me towards the kitchen counter.

When we finally got to the counter he turned me around and lifted me up on to it. He took my bag out of my hand and threw it at the table. I had forgotten all about it until he did that. I was no longer in the mood to take a pregnancy test. I wrapped my legs around Dean's waist and pulled him into me.

Before we even started kissing I took Dean's shirt off of him. Dean has one of the best bodies I had ever seen. I would not know what to do with myself if he walked around with his shirt off all the time. I probably wouldn't get any work done.

Dean was about to kiss me when I shook my head and put my hand over his mouth. He looked confused and asked why he couldn't kiss me. I shrugged my shoulders and told him he just couldn't. He called me a tease and then took my shirt off. He said we should probably continue this in the bedroom. I closed my legs tighter around him so he couldn't leave. I pulled him in towards me and whispered in his ear that I wanted him right there in the kitchen. He was surprised because I usually only like to get intimate in the bedroom.

It didn't take him long to get over the moment of surprise. He took my pants off and unhooked my bra. He lifted me off the counter and had me lay on the floor. The floor was sort of cold and uncomfortable, but I didn't really care. I proceeded to take his pants off and got on top of him. We still hadn't kissed each other. It was sort of a turn on. Dean pulled me down so I was laying on him and started kissing my neck again. I was getting so turned on and started making some noises.

We both were so into what was going on that we didn't hear the backdoor open. I finally opened my eyes and saw a pair of shoes by the door. I looked up and saw Sam standing there. He had his hands over his eyes. Dean and I were both really surprised to see him standing there. My father told me that they wouldn't be home for a few more days. I grabbed my shirt and pants and ran upstairs to my room as fast as I could. Dean was right behind me. Dean threw his clothes on the bed and commented on how Sam can really be a mood killer. I told him that we were lucky it was Sam that came in first. Who knows what my father would have done. He knows that Dean and I are married, but still. I am his sweet, innocent, little girl. He will always think of me that way. We both got dressed and headed back downstairs. It was incredibly awkward between the three of us. I'm not sure who was the most embarrassed of all of us. I don't think it was Dean because he seemed to have gotten a kick out of it. Dean also wasn't the one almost completely naked. He still had his boxers on. Granted Sam has seen me naked before, but that was a while ago.

Dean and I were about to head upstairs to go to sleep when Sam picked up the bag on the ground and asked if it was mine. He glanced inside really fast and noticed the tests in one of them. He gave me a questioning look. I knew what he was asking me in his head. I snatched the bags out of his hands and didn't give him an answer. Dean was waiting for me at the top of the stairs. I got up to him and he asked what was in the bag. I told him it was just some feminine products, but he really wanted to see what was in it. I hurried up and distracted him by telling him how I ran into Nate. He asked me all about our conversation. I told him all about it as I changed into my pajamas.

Dean loves it when I change into my pajamas. They aren't anything fancy. It is just one of Dean's old t-shirts and underwear. He admits that he likes it better when I wear that over a sexy nighty.

Dean was ready to get intimate again, but I told him I was tired. I really was exhausted and just wanted to get some sleep. Dean started poking and begging me to reconsider. He said it would just be a quickie. I turned towards him and asked when it was ever just a quickie. He got an ego boost with that response. He continued pulling me into him and kissing me in random places. I wanted Dean to go to sleep so I could take the pregnancy tests in peace, but I knew that was no longer going to happen. I finally gave in after five minutes of begging from Dean. I planned on waking up in the middle of the night to take the tests, but that didn't happen. I slept through the entire night. When I woke up it was 9am already.

I woke up and grabbed the tests to take to the bathroom with me. As I was waiting for the results to show up I decided to take a shower. When I got out of the shower I saw two pink crosses looking back at me. I knew what that meant. I put the tests at the bottom of the trash bin and then changed into my clothes for the day. Dean was still asleep when I came back into the room.

I decided to head downstairs to get some breakfast. Sam was already up sitting at the kitchen table with his laptop open. I poured some orange juice and grabbed a banana. Sam looked up and gave me a confused look. He said I hated bananas and orange juice. I disagreed with him right away. I told him I had no problem with either one. He shook his head and mentioned that whenever he would offer anything with banana in it I would make a puking noise and decline. I knew he was right. I really do hate bananas and orange juice, but for some reason I was fine with eating them that morning. I asked him if it was a crime for me to want to eat healthy. He told me it was a free country.

I started eating my banana in peace when Sam asked me if I took the tests yet. He could tell by my long pause that I had taken them. He continued looking at me and asked what the results were. I started nodding and smiling. He got out of his chair and gave me a huge hug. He asked if Dean knew yet. I shook my head and said that he was still sleeping. Sam hit me on the shoulder and asked me what I was waiting for. I admitted that I was nervous. I've never had to tell someone I was pregnant. I knew Dean would be happy with the news, but I was still nervous. Sam said I should plan something special. Go out for a nice dinner and then tell him the news. That sounded like a great idea. We could go to our Thai restaurant. We hadn't been there since before I died. Sam said I should tell him before the week was up. I really liked this idea. I told Sam not to say a word to anyone, including my father. He pretended to zip up his lips, lock the end, and throw away the key. I then went over to his side of the table and asked what he was looking at. He said he was just looking up some news articles to find a possible hunt. He was getting some leads, but nothing was really drawing him in.

I sat there reading some of the articles with him when Dean came down the stairs. Dean didn't look very happy. I took a sip from my OJ and asked Dean what was up. He put his hands in his pockets, pulled out my pregnancy tests, and asked me the same question. I looked at him disgusted and mentioned that I had peed on those. Sam joined me in the look of disgust. Dean didn't care and asked me if I had something to tell him. I looked up at him, smiled real big, and said that I passed my test. Dean wasn't very amused and asked me when I was going to tell him the big news. I told him that I had just found out that morning. He looked over at Sam and asked why he wasn't as shocked by this news. Sam didn't say anything, but Dean could tell that it was old news to Sam. Dean asked me if I already told Sam. I nodded and told him I was just so excited when I found out that I had to tell somebody. I know that was a lie, but if he knew the truth he would be even more upset. Dean took a deep breath and started calming down. He stood there in silence just staring and thinking. He slowly started to smile. It was a very gradual smile. It started off very small and then grew very large. With the big smile also came some tears. After about two minutes of silence he finally said, "We're having a baby." I nodded and started walking towards him. He gave me a kiss and then hugged me. As he was hugging me he whispered in my ear that he would make sure nothing hurts this baby. I nodded into his shoulder and continued hugging him.

We stood there hugging each other for about a minute when my father finally walked in from outside. He didn't really take notice of Dean and I hugging. He went over to the fruit basket and then asked who ate the last banana. Sam pointed at me. My father laughed and told Sam that was a good one. I pushed away from Dean so I could look at my father, but Dean didn't want to let me go. He let me turn around, but he held on to me from behind. He put his head on my shoulder and his hands on my stomach. I apologized to my father about eating the last banana. Dean lifted his head off my shoulder and mentioned that I hated bananas. My father agreed with him. Sam said that he had also said something to me earlier. I pushed out of Dean's embrace and told all of them that it was a free country and I could eat whatever I wanted. My father said that was true, but with my hatred of bananas he didn't think it was possible for me to eat one without it being forced down my throat.

Then all three of them started sharing stories about when they had offered me something with banana in it. Dean told his story about when he tricked me into drinking a smoothie with bananas in it and how I threw it at him after I tried it. My father told the story of when I was an infant and he was feeding me baby food with bananas in it and I kept spitting it back up. Then he continued and said he tried to feed me bananas again when I was two, but I picked up the bowl and chucked it across the room. Sam was next with telling a story. He mentioned the first time he found out about my hatred. We had gone out on a date and while I was in the bathroom he ordered us desert. When I came back the desert had arrived and Sam made me take the first bite. I took a bite, but never swallowed it. I spit it out into my napkin. Ever since that night he remembered my hatred of bananas. Dean said he was surprised I didn't throw the desert at Sam's face. I was getting thoroughly annoyed by their stories. I told them all they could kiss my ass and then went upstairs to my room.

Dean came in the room about fifteen minutes later and apologized for his behavior. He said that it was just humorous how much I hated bananas. I let out a fake laugh and then pulled him down so he would sit on the bed with me. It didn't take much to get him to lay down with me. Dean lay down on the bed and I put my head on his stomach. I find it rather soothing to put my head on his stomach while he breathes. Some times he lets out a hard, quick laugh just to make me happy. Whenever he does that I start laughing really hard because of how weird it feels. He loves my reaction every time. He says it reminds him of a little kid when I laugh. I put my hand in his and started playing with his fingers. I was extremely happy at that moment. I had forgotten all about the demon that wants me dead. Dean started stroking my hair with his free hand and saying that he couldn't believe he was going to be a father.

I started closing my eyes and embracing the moment when Dean decided to let out another laugh. I started laughing really hard, but then my father came barging in. He threw my pregnancy tests on the bed and asked me to explain. Dean gave my father the same comment I gave him earlier about peeing on them. I then realized how stupid it sounded. My father told Dean to shut up and asked me again to explain. I thought it was self-explanatory. They were positive pregnancy tests. That usually means that someone is pregnant. Since I'm the only female in the house it is pretty obvious whom it belongs to. I looked up at my father and told him the good news. His expression changed so quickly. He went from being angry to being happy. He congratulated Dean and I. He said that he was going to make us all dinner to celebrate. He asked us if we had any suggestions for the menu. Dean suggested my father make bananas foster for desert. I immediately punched Dean in the shoulder. My father said he would, but he didn't want to have to clean up after me. I gave my dad the evil eye as he walked out of my room.

Dean started rubbing his shoulder and complained that it really hurt. I told him that was what he got for making a comment like that. Dean and I went back to lying down until we both fell asleep. We both slept through dinner. I don't know why we were so tired, but we were.

Nov 17, 2009

It is so different having the father know I'm pregnant. Dean has been great so far. I'm only five weeks pregnant, but Dean is stilling taking caution. I have to keep reminding him that this is my third time. I know what to expect. I know what is normal and what is not. In about a month or so I will be waking up sick to my stomach. Dean will probably think something is wrong with me.

Dean has already told me his ideas for names. He said Samantha or Mary if it is a girl and Jonathon or Robert if it is a boy. I am all for them besides Robert because that was going to be the name of my son with Sam. I told Dean that if it's a boy we can name him Jonathon and the girl could be either one. Dean didn't decide which one he likes more. He asked me if I had any other suggestions. I couldn't really think of any. He asked me what my biological parents' names were. I told him their real names and he really liked my mother's name. He put Victoria into the running.

So the name of our child will be Samantha, Mary, Victoria, or Jonathon. I sort of like the sound of Samantha Victoria. I wonder how Sam will take it if we name our possible daughter after him. I think he will be flattered, but Dean might give him a lot of criticism because of it being a girl.

I have this feeling that it is going to be a girl. If it is Deana's soul in the kid I sort of expect it to be a girl. I have to wait three more months before I find out the gender.

Dean said that he doesn't want me hunting until I'm done being pregnant. I was in complete agreement with him. He was surprised by my willingness to cooperate. I told him that I didn't want to lose this baby. I asked him what we were going to do with all our free time. South Dakota doesn't have much going for it in terms of finding stuff to do. I don't know how many times I can see Mount Rushmore. In school we seemed to go every year. It's really not that fascinating. Dean suggested we just take a normal road trip around America. My father told him that wasn't a good idea with Astaroth wanting his hands on me. My father said that if we go anywhere it should be within three hours of his place. That way if Astaroth tries anything I can get to my father's and hide out in the panic room. I'm not really sure if the panic room is that safe from Astaroth. I did make an extra crunchy hexbag to throw him off my tail. It is one of the most powerful hexbags I could think of making.

Dean was curious as to how I learned how to make hexbags, especially ones that powerful. I told him it was amazing how much you could learn in Hell when you make the right friends. Dean wanted to know who I became friends with in the pit. I didn't want to tell him, but he wasn't going to drop it. I knew he wasn't going to be happy with my friend choice. After much persistence I finally told him that Atarte taught me a lot. Dean knew whom I was talking about and was surprised. He wanted to know why I would become friends with a demon like that. I told him it was while I was losing my humanity. She started teaching me all different tricks and was the one who slipped up about how to repair the Colt. Dean couldn't believe what I had told him. I told him that as soon as I started remembering being a human I stopped talking to her. He was happy to hear that.

Dec 3, 2009

You will not believe what we found this week. We were all having Thanksgiving dinner when there was a knock at the door. It was a messenger. He had a message for me, Sophie Singer. I was surprised because I didn't know who would send me a message. I signed for the letter and ripped it open as soon as the door was shut. All of us wanted to know whom it was from. It was a letter from a lawyer stating that I had some inheritance to collect. I thought it had to be a mistake. Who had left me something to inherit?

The next day I called the lawyer and asked about the letter. He told me that he needed to meet with me ASAP to talk about my inheritance. I asked him who was willing me stuff, but he told me that we would discuss that when we met up. His office was in Fargo, North Dakota. Dean said he would drive me there and said he hoped we didn't get thrown in any wood chippers. At first I didn't get the joke, but then I remembered the scene from the movie _Fargo_. I set up an appointment with the lawyer for the next day in the afternoon.

We got to Fargo around eleven on Saturday. The appointment with the lawyer wasn't until one so Dean and I decided to get something to eat at a diner we found. While we were eating our food something started to smell really bad. I asked Dean if he smelled it, but he shook his head and continued eating his bacon cheeseburger. The smell really started to bother me and I couldn't stay in the diner any longer. I had to get out of there or else I would have puked up what I just ate. I finally got up and ran out of the diner. Dean threw some money on the table and came out after me. He asked if I was okay. I was much better after I got outside to the fresh air. I didn't understand how he didn't smell it. He asked me to explain it, but there are no words for that smell. I told him it was probably the whole pregnancy thing. Your sense of smell is much stronger because of the hormones. I looked at his watch and realized we needed to get to the lawyer's office.

We made our way over to the lawyer's office and waited in the main lobby for about a half hour past our appointment time. Dean had walked in before me and was already at the front desk by the time I came in. The receptionist, Kim, was eyeing him up and down and had the biggest grin on her face. The way she asked Dean if she could help him was much too cheery. When I came in the door and walked up next to Dean her expression changed. I told her I had an appointment at 1pm. She said to sign in and then take a seat. As I was signing in she noticed the ring on my left hand. The rest of the time we were waiting she kept glaring at me. It was like she thought I wasn't worthy of a guy that looked as good as Dean. If she knew I was pregnant she probably would have ripped my head off. When it was finally time to go in the way she said my name was in the bitchiest tone. As we were walking into the office Dean leaned towards me and told me to watch out because she might just be the one to throw me in the wood chipper.

Dean and I sat in the office waiting for the lawyer to come in for about ten minutes. Dean asked me for the hundredth time if I knew what this was about. Each time I would tell him no. The lawyer finally came in and introduced himself as Nick Knight. He looked to be in his mid-fifties and had a full head of gray hair. He had kept himself in pretty good shape and looked like he came from money. He seemed like a friendly guy. After he introduced himself I introduced both Dean and myself.

Nick started out by telling me that I was a hard one to track down. I nodded understanding why it was difficult. I was dead for the past three years. It is fairly difficult to find a dead person. He said they tried my address in England, but couldn't find me so he finally decided to send a letter to my father's. I could have cared less about how he found me. I just wanted to know why I was there. He soon got to that. He said that my friend Annabelle left me some things after she had passed away. Dean and I both looked at each other confused. Why would Annabelle leave anything in my name if she knew I was dead? I waved my hand at Nick to tell him to continue. I wanted to know what she had left me. He printed off the list from his computer and then also handed me a letter written by Annabelle.

I looked at the list and was surprised by what she had left me. Basically anything in her name was now mine. She left me all of her money and any real estate that she owned. The lawyer said everything was mine and I could do whatever I wanted with it. I couldn't believe that Annabelle had done that. Did she know I was going to come back or did she write her will before I passed away?

Dean and I left the lawyer's office around 3pm. As we were walking out of the office Kim told us to have a good day in the same bitchy tone as before. I stopped, grabbed Dean's hand, turned him towards me, gave him a kiss, and then told her we would. When we were getting in the car Dean commented on how he felt used. I nodded and told him that he was really only here for his looks. Once I was in the car I opened the letter from Annabelle. All that was in there were a key and the address to somewhere in town. I told Dean that we needed to go there to find out what it was. It took us about twenty minutes to find the building. The address was to a storage facility. I had no clue which one I was supposed to open. Dean grabbed the key and found the number etched into it.

We found the locker and opened the door. Dean was about to step in when I pulled him back. I told him it wouldn't be that easy. Annabelle probably had some traps to overcome before anyone could enter. Dean thought that was preposterous. I knelt down and ran my fingers along a trip wire that was attached to a rifle. Then there was a second trip wire that made a brick fall on your head. In the center of the room was a devil's trap. Dean underestimated how smart Annabelle really was. I reminded him that she outsmarted him and Sam a few times. He disagreed with me. I asked him if he had any idea where the Colt was.

Dean and I walked over the trip wires and entered the storage locker. It was pretty well organized. The bulk was old artifacts that could probably be sold for millions. Dean looked at one side while I looked at another. There was dust and cobwebs on most of the objects. I was looking at this old Buddhist statue when Dean said that one of the boxes had my name on it. I started walking towards him to check it out when something caught my eye. Behind some of the boxes was the crib I had ordered for Deana. I pushed the boxes out of the way so I could look at it. Dean started telling me I was going to wrong way when he saw what I was heading towards. Before he could ask me what it was I held up my hand to stop him from talking. I muttered under my breath that it was Deana's crib. I was in complete awe that it was in a storage locker in Fargo, North Dakota. Dean walked over to the crib too and we both stood there looking at it. He said that it was a very nice crib. Then he handed me the box with my name on it. I was about to open it when my cell phone started ringing. It was my father. He wanted to know what happened with the lawyer. I gave the phone to Dean so he could explain while I continued opening the box.

The first thing in the box was some of my jewelry that I had before I had died. I had forgotten about them. Most of them were from Dean. There was the first necklace he gave me at Christmas, the necklace with my birthstone, and the protective bracelet he bought me. Underneath that was the bracelet that John gave me that used to be Mary's. The last thing in the box was a piece of paper with the number to a vault in a bank in St. Paul, Minnesota. It said the code to it was the day I died. I held up the sheet for Dean to read while he was still on the phone with my father. He told my father the news and then said we would call him back later. My father wasn't too happy with us going all the way to St. Paul, but I had to know what was in the vault. Dean asked me about what else was in the box. I showed him everything that was in it when we got to the car. I had him tie the bracelet he bought me on my wrist and then put on the birthstone necklace. He was surprised that John had given me his mother's bracelet. I asked him jokingly if he wanted to wear it. He declined and said that Sam might want it. I had him put that bracelet on my other wrist.

While he was driving Dean put his hand on my leg and then grabbed my hand that had his mother's bracelet on it. He started looking at some of the charms on it. He tried to figure out what they were, but was having some trouble with them. I knew what each one stood for, but I decided not to share it with Dean. I would have to tell him yet again that Atarte taught them to me. Dean said that his father must have really liked me to give me Mary's charm bracelet. I could tell by Dean's voice that he missed his father. He also felt guilty about being the reason his father was dead. I wanted to say something to Dean to make him feel better, but I bit my tongue because I know that Dean isn't one to share his feelings especially when it came to his father's death.

About three hours later we arrived in St. Paul. The bank had already closed for the weekend so Dean and I had to get a motel room for two nights. We gave my father a call and told him the situation. He told us that we should've thought of that before we left for St. Paul because we could've just stayed at his house and then driven there on Monday. I reassured him by saying we were probably about three hours away with the way Dean drives. My father told me to be careful and not to trust anyone.

Dean and I checked into our motel. We didn't really have any bags because we didn't anticipate a trip to St. Paul. We thought we were just going to Fargo and then going back home. We found a Salvation Army Thrift Store and bought some clothes for the next two days. Dean made me buy an ACDC shirt that was a size too small for me. He assured me that it looked good. Dean loved how much bigger my breasts were because of the pregnancy. The shirt would have been much more comfortable if they weren't so big. Since Dean made me get that shirt I made him buy a t-shirt that showed off his great arms. It was one of those tight vintage shirts that were overly priced at Abercrombie. We bought some other clothes for the weekend, but nothing as memorable as those two items. Dean let me wear the shirt he was wearing to bed and he just slept in his boxers, so that solved the pajama problem.

Once we finished shopping for our weekend clothes Dean suggested we go to a bar and have a beer. I just looked at him and patted my belly. That was probably the first time he forgot about the baby. He corrected himself and said that we should go to a bar and he would have a beer while I had water or soda. I wore my new ACDC shirt while Dean wore his new shirt. He kept complaining about how ridiculous he looked in it. I asked him how he thought I felt. He said that I looked hot while he looked like a douche bag. I didn't think he looked like a douche. I thought he looked really hot because for once I could see his incredible muscles while he had a shirt on. As much as I would love to see Dean wear a shirt like that every day I probably wouldn't do anything besides drool if he did.

When we got to the bar there were quite a few college students there. We got ourselves a table near the pool tables so Dean and I could watch. Dean went up to the bar to get us some drinks when one of the guys at the table by us came over and started hitting on me. He commented on how ACDC rules and suggested that we go back to his place and listen to some of their albums. I declined his invitation, but he wasn't going to take no for an answer. I could tell that he was incredibly drunk because he kept swaying. He was not going to give up. He put his hand on my leg and started making another suggestion when Dean came up behind him and pulled him away from me. He asked the guy if there was a problem. The guy put up his hands and admitted that he didn't know I was taken. Dean shoved the guy into the table with his friends and said that now he knew. The guy was about to fight back, but his friends stopped him. Dean sat down at the table and handed me my drink. If the drinks didn't have handles on them Dean probably would have spilled the drinks while attacking the guy. Dean and I started watching the pool games going on.

After about ten minutes of watching the games Dean finally asked me if I wanted to play. Dean thought that I hadn't played a game of pool in my life, but I had mastered pool while staying with Annabelle. She had this antique pool table in her game room that I absolutely loved. I would play it whenever I got a free moment, until I got too big to play. When I came back as a demon I started playing pool again to pass the time. I decided to pretend to be bad so Dean could think he was an amazing teacher. I would miss some pretty easy shots on purpose so Dean would have to correct me.

I spotted two guys watching us play. They were mainly watching me because I looked like an amateur. Whenever I would make a shot I would get overly excited on purpose. Eventually they came over and asked if they could join us. I knew what they were after and I decided to hustle them, without Dean's knowledge. Dean still thought that I was learning. The guys asked if we wanted to make any bets. Dean was a little hesitant at first, but decided to take the bet. The deal was the winners took home $500. We all shook on it and started our game.

The two other guys, Mike and Eric, broke. When it was my turn I would ask Dean what to do and he would point out each possible shot. Yet again I missed most of my shots. The game was a very close one towards the end. Dean had put most of our balls away. Towards the end of the game I started getting better pretending like it was just luck. It came down to all of us trying to get the eight ball in. I set up the ball perfectly so that Mike and Eric would win the game. Dean was getting pissed because he didn't have $500 to give them. Mike sunk the eight ball in the pocket and told us to pay up. Before Dean paid up I pushed his hand down and offered the guys double or nothing. Dean told me I was crazy, but Mike and Eric liked the sound of winning more money. I told them they were on.

Since they won the first round they broke again to start the game. It was a very clean break, but lucky for me they didn't get anything in. It was time for me to show my true pool skills. Dean could tell right away that something was up when I walked towards the pool table. I didn't ask him what to do and held my cue the correct way. I went to the table and sunk five balls in a row. I could have cleared the entire table, but I decided to let Dean do some of the work. Mike and Eric realized that they had been hustled. After I had finished my round I sat down next to Dean. He leaned over to me and asked if I had planned on hustling them the entire time. I smiled and nodded. He put his arm around me and said that was his girl. Mike's turn was already over and he only got one in. Dean got up and told the guys that they better be able to pay up. They both nodded nervously. Dean put our last two in and left the eight ball for me. Eric went next and put two more in. When he saw the shot he left me with he thought it would be impossible for me to sink it. I looked at the table for a moment and figured out how to get to the eight ball. I announced that I was going to do a triple bank and then tap the eight ball into the left corner pocket. Both of them thought that the shot was impossible. I lined my shot up perfectly. Mike and Eric watched in awe as I did exactly what I said. They were both very upset. I swear it looked like Eric wanted to cry. Dean and I followed them to the ATM machine so we could get our money from them.

After we got our money Dean and I headed in for the night. Dean was so happy that we won all that money. He asked me where I learned to hustle like that. I told him I had a lot of time to practice hustling while I was a demon. He said that it was perfectly executed. He never suspected that I was pretending the entire time. He really thought that he was teaching me some new moves. I apologized, but he said that he didn't mind; in fact it sort of turned him on. When we got back to the motel I changed into my pajamas. I really liked wearing Dean's shirt because it smelled like him. We went to bed soon after I changed.

On Sunday we didn't really do much besides walk around St. Paul. It was sort of chilly so we didn't walk around for too long. After about two hours of walking around Dean and I decided to just relax in our room. We watched some TV and played some cards.

The next day we went to the bank around 10am. The manager brought us to the vault and asked for the code. I had to remember the date of my death. I finally told her it was 04-24-06. She put the code in and opened the vault. The vault was covered from floor to ceiling with all different types of symbols that keeps supernatural beings out. Dean told the manager that was all we needed and if we needed any more help we would let her know. She just shrugged her shoulders and walked away. Dean and I both knew that something important had to be in there if Annabelle had all those symbols painted.

I finally noticed that in the center of the room there was a table with a box on it. I knew that box right away. It was a special box Annabelle had that was near impossible to open unless you were shown how. I couldn't remember exactly how to open the box, but after a few failed attempts I finally figured it out. I got it open and couldn't believe my eyes. I just stared into the box. Dean asked me what was in there. I tilted the box so he could see it. He reached his hand in and took it out of the box. He was in shock too. He told me that we had to call Sam and my father to tell them the news. Annabelle was lucky that I remembered how to open the box otherwise I never would've gotten the Colt back. I told Dean that we needed to keep this on the DL because once the demons get word that the Colt is back they will be after it especially Astaroth.

When Dean gave the message to my father and Sam they told us to come home as soon as possible. About three hours later we were back at the salvage yard that I call home. Once we got inside they both demanded to see the gun. Dean told them to back up so I could open the box. I opened the box with more ease than before. My father took it out of the box and started inspecting it. He said it was the real Colt. I told him we should probably leave it in the panic room so no demons could steal it from us. We all agreed and put it on one of the shelves.

I still can't believe Annabelle left me all that stuff. I have to look at the list again to remember everything that she left me. She had millions of dollars saved up and several real estate properties. Maybe Dean and I will live in one of them once Astaroth is gone. I bet they are all really nice places. I've already been to the one in England. That one is probably the biggest, but I don't want to live in England.

Dec 22, 2009

I forgot what morning sickness felt like. I now remember why I hate being pregnant. Hugging the toilet every morning and sometimes during the day is not a lot of fun. The first few times I got sick Dean stayed in the bathroom with me, but now he just goes about his business. When I get out of the bathroom he is usually has a glass of water ready for me to drink.

I can tell that Dean is getting bored. We haven't really done anything since our trip to St. Paul and Fargo. Sam and my father have been going off on hunts without us. Dean says that he loves spending all this time with me, but I can see that he is bored. I'm bored too. It's not like I really have any aches or pains yet. I'm not even showing yet. I've gained maybe ten pounds, but it really isn't that noticeable. All we do is lounge around the house. I would go outside but it is way too cold now.

We did go to the doctor for the first time about the baby. He said that everything seems pretty good so far, but he wants me to start eating better and taking some vitamins. Ever since the checkup Dean has been making sure I follow the doctor's orders. Buying healthier food is not cheap. Dean even did some research on what foods are good for pregnant mothers. He printed out the list and then went to the grocery store. He bought pretty much everything on the list. It was all pretty normal things to eat, but I just never bought them before. When Dean came home from the store he was a little too excited about some of the food he found.

Christmas is coming soon. I didn't get anything for anyone because I haven't been able to go off on my own anywhere. Dean goes with me everywhere. He keeps telling me that just incase something happens he wants to be there by my side. My father said that he and Sam should be back in time to celebrate Christmas with Dean and I.


	12. Year 2010 pt 1

Jan 4, 2010

The New Year is upon us. Things really have changed over the past year. I have been reborn, married, and I am pregnant. On top of that we killed Lillith, but a new demon has risen and wants me dead. I hope this year is even better.

Dean finally got bored enough that he gave in on going out on a hunt. My father insisted on having me stay home, but Dean said that he wouldn't leave without me. He told my dad that he trusted him to protect me, but Dean wouldn't be able to focus without me there. After much debate my father finally agreed to let me go with Sam and Dean. The hunt isn't too far from his house. It is near Omaha, Nebraska. Dean said I can help with some of the research, but when it came to any of the dangerous, life-threatening stuff I was out. I told him that was fine. I'm just glad to be out of the house.

We got to our destination pretty quickly with the way Dean drives. We checked into our motel and started doing some research. During the past few weeks there have been several murders in the small town of Elk City. All of them have been in the same apartment complex and all the victims are females in their twenties. That is part of the reason I'm not allowed to really be part of this case. Dean doesn't even want me going near the complex. He just wants me to stay in the room and do as much research as I can.

Dean and Sam went to go interview some of people involved in the case. I'm now just sitting in the motel waiting for them to give me a call so I can start looking things up. I've already found out as much as I could about the apartment complex and haven't found anything so far.

Jan 6, 2010

Sam and Dean didn't really come back with much for me to work with, but I worked my magic and found out some history of the land. I broke Dean's rule of not leaving the motel room and went to the library. That was where I found all the necessary information. Apparently before there was an apartment complex there was a house that burned down. The house belonged to a serial murderer. The cops found the guy and arrested him, but he escaped from the police and drowned himself in the river near by. The guy, Neil Lindala, was notorious for taking home young woman from the local bar and nobody would see them again. The neighbors started complaining about the smell because it turned out Neil buried the bodies in his basement. As the cops were getting the bodies out of the basement the house caught on fire. To this day nobody knows if it was accidental or not, but none of the bodies made it out of the house.

We all came down to the conclusion that Neil was haunting the building, but we weren't sure why. The house had been burnt down in the sixties and the apartment complex was built shortly after. Dean and Sam didn't really care what the reason was. They just wanted to find the bones so they could salt and burn them. We were in luck because Neil was buried in town. I gave them the name of the cemetery and they left me at the motel room. I got bored waiting for them so I decided to look up more information about Neil. I was really interested in him for some reason. As I was reading one of the articles about his death I found out an important piece of information that all the other articles neglected to report. Apparently the cops never technically found Neil after he drowned. A witness had told the cops that he saw Neil jump off the bridge into the river. The cops searched for him, but couldn't find his body. The cops didn't want to admit to their mistake so they covered it up by saying he drowned. That meant there was no body in the casket Sam and Dean were digging up. I tried calling both of their phones after I found out to tell them to stop digging, but neither one would answer. After ten minutes of trying to get a hold of them I decided to go to the cemetery to find them.

I hot wired one of the cars in the motel parking lot and drove to the cemetery as fast as I could. On my way I tried Sam and Dean a few more times. I was getting worried, but I hoped that they just didn't hear their phones going off. I had left a message on both of their phones via voice and text. The cemetery was about fifteen minutes from the motel. I drove around until I found Dean's car. It was parked down the street from the cemetery because it wasn't technically open. I parked behind it and ran to the cemetery as quick as I could. I jumped the fence with no problem and started searching for them. I figured they would have their flashlights on.

While I was looking for them I kept calling their phones. I was hoping that I would hear them going off, but I didn't hear anything. I wasn't watching where I was walking and I jammed my foot on a tiny tombstone. I muttered a profanity or two under my breath, but it was loud enough for Sam to hear me. He didn't know that it was me, but I saw him turn off the flashlight and tell Dean to be quiet. I was relieved to hear Sam's voice.

I started walking towards them and announced that it was I. Dean's head popped out of the hole he was digging. I hoped that they hadn't gotten very far, but they were more than halfway to the casket. Dean asked what I was doing there. I told him that he should really learn to pick up his phone. He got defensive and said that he hadn't gotten a single call from me. I assured him that I called his phone like ten times. He didn't believe me and put his hand in his pocket to get his phone out, but realized that he didn't have his phone on him. Sam mentioned that they must've left their phones in the car. He asked what was so important. I told him the news about Neil not being in the casket. Dean complained about how that would have been nice to know before they started digging. I commented on how it kept him in shape. Dean was about to say something back when Sam cut him off. He asked if I knew where Neil's body was really buried. I told him that they never found his body. They both weren't very happy with that response.

We left the cemetery and went back to the motel to see what we could find about Neil's missing body. I decided to let Sam do some of the research because that was his thing. I was tired of looking at a computer screen anyways. Dean and I lay down on the uncomfortable bed together. Dean insisted on keeping the "Magic Fingers" on the entire time we were lying down. He kept feeding the thing quarters. He said it helped sooth his aching muscles. At first I was a little bothered by it, but eventually I became numb to the vibrations.

Dean and I were starting to doze off when Sam woke us up to tell us what he found out. It wasn't very good news. After much research Sam came down to the conclusion that Neil hadn't died until a few months ago. He was on the run most of his life and finally died of old age shortly before the murders started happening. Since he passed away his spirit never moved on, but became tied to the remains of those that he had killed before. Dean and I weren't too sure about those conclusions, but we didn't have any better ideas. Dean asked Sam if his theory had a body to salt and burn. Sam shook his head and said that we would have to think of a different way to fix the problem. Dean was too tired to think of anything so he told Sam that they would talk about it in the morning.

Jan 8, 2010

Sam and Dean came up with a theory on how to get rid of Neil's spirit. Since the women that Neil killed never got identified or given the proper burial Sam figured that they would be some pissed off spirits. If they could lore Neil to the basement where the bodies were buried they might be angry enough to destroy him. Dean thought it was crazy enough to work. They left that night to go take care of business. I stayed back at the room as usual.

I sat on the bed, turned on the "Magic Fingers," and watched some TV. Nothing good was really on, but I had to do something to pass the time. I was starting to fall to sleep when the lights started flickering. I knew that was no good. Dean had left me with a shotgun just incase something were to happen. I ran over to where he hid it as fast as I could. I checked to make sure it was loaded and turned around to see if anything was there. The gun was immediately thrown out of my hands and I was thrown across the room. I've learned through experience how to fall so I wouldn't get hurt. I looked up and finally saw that it was Neil. I had no clue why or how he had gotten into the motel room. He started coming towards me when I managed to duck out of his way and grabbed the shotgun. This time I didn't hesitate to pull the trigger. I shot it right at him and he disappeared. I grabbed my cell phone and keys and ran out of the room.

As soon as I was out of the room I started calling Dean to tell him about what happened. He answered the phone angrily and asked what was up. I knew he wasn't angry with me so I let his tone slide. I started telling him about what had just happened when Neil showed up in front of me and threw me against the nearest wall. I hit my head pretty hard on it and could feel the blood coming from it. I managed to hold on to my phone and could hear Dean shouting at me through the other end. I was feeling very lightheaded and Neil was still coming at me. I realized that I had my shotgun in the other hand. I raised it up and shot him again. I knew I was screwed if he showed up again because I was out of ammo.

Dean was still shouting at the other end wanting to know what was going on. I finally put the phone to my ear again, but wasn't really thinking clearly. I was so woozy from hitting my head on the wall. I told Dean that I was tired and wanted to take a nap. Dean kept asking me where I was, but I kept saying how tired I was. He was getting fed up with me and handed the phone to Sam.

Sam was much better at keeping his cool sometimes. Sam started reasoning with me. He said that he understood I was tired, but they really needed to know where I was so they could help me. I avoided the question yet again and started rambling on about I don't even know what. Sam finally asked me what I hit my head on. That got the answer he was looking for. I told him I hit it on some wall outside of our motel. I then said goodbye to Sam and hung up the phone.

I tried to pick myself up after I hung up the phone, but I was too dizzy. I kept slipping and falling back down. After my third attempt I finally gave up and just stayed on the ground. It was cold and damp outside. I just wanted to go back into my warm motel room. I sat against the wall humming some tune that I made up so that I wouldn't fall to sleep.

I was barely holding onto consciousness when I heard someone calling my name. It sounded so distant. I opened my eyes and started saying where I was, but my voice wouldn't go very loud. I was too tired to give shouting any effort. All I could see in front of me was a shadow approaching me saying that he found me. I wasn't thinking clearly and started batting away whoever was trying to pick me up. He grabbed my hands so I would stop hitting him and told me that it was Dean.

He picked me up and started carrying me to the room when the lights started flickering again. He shouted at Sam to cover his back while he brought me into the room. Sam stood there in ready position, but Neil was smarter than that. Neil showed up right in front of Dean and threw him against the wall so that he would drop me. Dean held on tight to me and was using all his strength to keep me in his arms. Neil shouted at Dean that I was his. Dean told Neil that he wasn't going to touch a single hair on my head. Neil was about to strike Dean when Sam finally shot him. Dean slid down on the wall with me in his arms and sat there stroking my hair saying that everything was going to be fine.

Sam took me out of Dean's arms and carried me to the room. He gently put me on the bed so that I was lying on my stomach. Dean started lining the windows and door with rock salt so that we wouldn't have any more surprise visits. Sam inspected the wound on my head while they discussed how Neil got to the motel. As Sam was patching up my wound I passed out.

When I woke up Sam and Dean were gone and my father was sitting in the room with me. I asked him where they went and he said they went to take care of Neil. They had called my father to watch me while they took care of business. I didn't understand how Neil found me when I didn't go near the apartment complex the entire time we were in town. My father explained that the motel used to be the bar Neil would go to. The bar was sold and the new owner converted the land into a motel. I didn't understand why we didn't know about this earlier. There were no reported hauntings at the motel. My father said that this was probably the first time a young girl stayed at the motel for more than a few hours. I rolled my eyes when he said young girl because I don't like being called a girl anymore.

My father could tell that I was still tired from the blow to the head and told me to go back to sleep and he would wake me up when Sam and Dean gave him some news. I wanted to stay awake, but my father started singing the song he used to sing to me when I was a little kid. The song would put me to sleep every time. I don't know the name of the song, but it is in some other language. I think it is in Italian. Anyways, he sang me to sleep and about two hours later Dean woke me up.

I was so happy to see him. It looked like he and Sam got worked over by Neil a little. It wasn't a simple job. I asked him right away if they got rid of him. He nodded his head and said that everything should be back to normal for the apartment and motel. I could tell that he was exhausted so I moved over to the other side of the bed. He crawled into bed with me and put his head down on the pillow so that he was facing me. I asked him where Sam was. I was just curious because I didn't hear him moving around the room. Dean said he was already in bed. I turned my head to look at the other bed in the room and saw that Sam was indeed sprawled out on it. He was already fast asleep. Dean gave me a kiss and then pulled me into his arms. I didn't fall to sleep right away because I had already gotten a lot of sleep. Soon Dean's heartbeats and breathing put me to sleep.

We all woke up around nine and decided it was time to put Elk City, Nebraska in our rearview mirror. On our way back home Dean got a phone call from Jo asking for our help on a hunt. Dean turned around and told Jo that we would be there in a few hours. We are on our way right now. The hunt is in Galesburg, Illinois.

Jan 12, 2010

Galesburg is an okay town. As we were driving through it I realized there really isn't much to do and apparently it is a college town. We didn't have very many options as to where to stay. Luckily money really isn't a problem anymore because of Annabelle. Dean wanted to stay at this really shady motel in Alpha, but I told him that if I was going to be stuck in the room I wanted it to be comfortable. We ended up staying at the Fairfield Inn. When we got to the hotel Dean wanted to know where the closest coffee shop was because he was dying for some. The woman at the front desk said the best coffee shop in town was The Innkeepers. We got directions to the place and I was surprised by how nice it was inside. It was the cutest coffee shop, much nicer than the one I worked in. There were so many different options to choose from. Dean went with the usual black coffee, but Sam and I looked over the menu for a while. As we were looking at the menu one of the owners came out and gave us some suggestions. He was very helpful. I ended up getting the Pink Peppermint Mocha while Sam got a latte. Dean made fun of how girly my drink was, but I made him take a sip of it. He tried to play it off that he didn't like it, but I could tell he was lying. Sam also gave it a try and really liked it. Dean teased Sam and said that it was obvious he would. After our coffee break was over we went to meet up with Jo.

I'm not too sure how I feel about Jo. She seems like a nice girl, but there is just something that I don't like about her. I can't put my finger on it. I think it might have something to do with how she acts around Dean. It is so obvious that she has a crush on him. I don't blame her, Dean is amazing, but she needs to learn to move on. I know nothing will happen between them, but I still don't like her. I see females flirt with Dean all the time and it doesn't bother me, but something about how Jo does it really pisses me off. I have been very hostile towards her almost the entire time we have been here. I don't mean to come off that way, but anything I say comes out like that. Dean hasn't really noticed my tone, but Sam has. On more than one occasion Sam has commented on my hostility towards Jo.

Yet again I have been confined to the motel room because I am a possible victim in this hunt. Technically Dean is too, but that doesn't stop him. For the past few weeks there have been several people put in the hospital because of "crimes of love." When the guilty party is asked why they beat this person they all simply respond with the same answer. They all say that the victim was flirting with their significant other. Some of the victims have died because of how severe their injuries were and some are going to have to be taken care of for the rest of their lives. One guy was beaten so bad that he is now paralyzed from the neck down. A machine has to help him breathe. Another girl is now deaf because of how badly she was beaten.

Sam, Dean, and Jo all went to interview some of the wounded and wounders. My job is to look up as much as I can about the backgrounds of everyone involved. So far I haven't found any similarities between any of the people who could've been possessed. They all vary in age, gender, and race. The only similarity is that they were in a relationship of some sort. Sam, Dean, and Jo will probably have more for me to work with.

Jan 16, 2010

The past few days have not been very fun for any of us. We figured out what or who possessed these people thanks to me. It wasn't because of my awesome research, but because I became possessed by it. I didn't feel like I was possessed. I felt like I had complete control over what I was doing. Everything I did made so much sense to me.

Over the past few days I became very possessive of Dean. My hatred towards Jo kept growing. Eventually it grew so much that I told Dean that if he was going to be around her than I had to be with him. All of my reasoning made sense to me. Sam could tell something was up, but Dean just thought it was the pregnancy talking.

I was sitting in the room trying to do research, but all I could think about was Jo. I kept seeing how she looked at him and how he looked at her. I couldn't take it anymore and decided it was time to have a talk with her. Both Dean and Sam were sleeping so I decided to sneak out.

I had every intention of just talking to Jo when I went to her room. I already went over in my head what I was going to say to her. I was just going to tell her that she needs to move on from Dean because it isn't healthy for her, but when she opened the door this strong feeling of hate just washed over me. I couldn't stand her face. I forgot everything that I was going to say to her and just punched her in the face. She was surprised and tried to fight back, but I kept dodging her punches.

I pushed my way into her room, which was right down the hall from Sam and Dean's. She already had a bloody nose from my single punch. I didn't think it was that strong. I grabbed her by the collar of her shirt and shoved her into the wall. I told her that she needed to stay away from Dean. I could see the fear in her eyes because she knew what I might do to her. I slammed her head into the wall and asked if she understood me. She nodded, but I could tell that she was lying. She wasn't going to stay away from Dean as long as she was alive.

I let go of her so she would fall to the ground. She got up and started heading for the door, but I wasn't done talking to her. On the table was one of Jo's knifes. I picked it up and threw it at the door. I wasn't going to get her with it; I can aim. She turned around and asked me what else I wanted from her. She was so scared I thought her legs were going to buckle under her. I walked towards her and told her that I wanted her to promise she wasn't going to see or talk to Dean anymore. She nodded and said she promised. I could tell that she was just saying that to make me happy. I picked her up by the collar of her shirt again and threw her across the room into a dresser. It didn't really matter what she said I had every intention of killing her. She slowly started to get up, but I grabbed one of the chairs around the table and slammed it into her. She fell right back onto the ground. I grabbed one of the other knifes on the table and held it to her throat. I told her that a promise wasn't good enough. She started begging me to stop, but I wasn't listening to her.

I was very close to slitting her throat when Dean kicked down the door. Gun pointed at me, he yelled at me to stop what I was doing. I shouted back at him that Jo needed to die because she was getting in the way of our love. He slowly walked towards me and told me to put the knife down. I shook my head and told him I couldn't do that. Sam was walking, with a gun in his hand, behind him watching in fear. Dean kept walking towards me until he was right next to me. He put his gun away, looked into my eyes and asked me if I could put it down for him. I couldn't say no to him, but I couldn't allow Jo to stay alive. Dean finally put his hand on the one I had the knife in. He gently pulled it off of Jo's neck. Once he got the knife off of her neck I felt a strong blow to the back of my head and I passed out. I knew it must've been Sam who knocked me out.

When I woke up I was tied to a chair in the middle of our room. Dean, Sam, and Jo were all standing in front of me. Jo looked terrible, but I didn't care. I felt that she got what she deserved. She had to lean against the table for support. I looked up and saw a Devil's Trap above my head. I was confused because I didn't feel like I was possessed by a demon. Plus I thought it was impossible for me to become possessed because of my tattoo on the back of my neck. I looked at Dean and told him I wasn't possessed. Dean shook his head and said that I was indeed possessed by Rosier, the demon of love. I rolled my eyes and yet again told him I wasn't possessed. Dean took a deep breath and asked Sam if he would prove to me that I was possessed. Sam unscrewed the top to the flask we keep the holy water in and poured it on my shirt.

That was when the demon finally came out. I finally felt her inside of me. I no longer had control over my body. I could hear everything that the demon was saying to Sam and Dean. She told them that it took them long enough to figure it out. Dean came over to her and said that she better not hurt our baby or me. She said that wasn't her intention. Dean didn't really care what her intentions were and had Sam start the exorcism. Rosier kept begging for Sam to stop, but he wouldn't let up.

At one point she looked at Dean and told him that Astaroth knows where we are and is going to tear me apart. Sam stopped reading so that Rosier could continue. He asked her where Astaroth was. She looked at him and said he was close enough. Dean yelled at Sam to continue the exorcism. Sam wanted to find out more about Astaroth's whereabouts, but Dean didn't want me to be possessed any more. After a long pause Sam continued from where he left off. I was both happy and sad when the demon finally left my body. I was happy that she was gone, but sad because of what I had done.

Dean untied me and asked if I was all right. I nodded and said that I was just peachy. He gave me a quick kiss and continued untying me. When I was finally untied I asked Dean how he knew I was possessed. He said they figured it out when they started finding sulfur at all of the crime scenes. Sam wanted to keep that information from me because he had a feeling I was already possessed. He could see it in my eyes that something wasn't right. Sam started looking up some possible reasons and only one sounded logical. He read about what Rosier does when she possesses a person. I was showing all of those effects. She worked slowly on a person driving them to insanity over the love they have for another. The effects usually get the worst within one week's time. From what Sam could tell I had only been affected for two days. He thought that they had more time before I acted out in violence. They were clearly wrong. I still didn't understand how she possessed me when I was protected with my tattoo. Sam had no idea and asked me to show him the tattoo. I lifted up my hair and showed it to him. He looked carefully at it until he finally pointed out that there was a blank space in the tattoo where some skin might have peeled off. That was just great news.

The entire time that I was getting information from Sam and Dean, Jo stayed away from me. I could tell she was scared of me still. I went over to her and apologized for everything I did to her. She nervously said it was okay because it wasn't me that did those things. But it was I. I knew exactly what I was doing when I beat her up. I could have stopped myself if I really wanted to, but I didn't want to stop. I wanted Jo out of the way. Sam told me that was one of the effects Rosier had on people. She made you feel like you were in control the entire time, when really she was controlling you. I kept disagreeing with Sam until Dean finally changed the subject.

Dean asked what we were going to do about Astaroth. He's getting close and we needed to do something. I told him that we should fight him, but Dean turned it down and said I wasn't going to fight Astaroth as long as I was carrying our child. He didn't want to risk it. Jo asked who Astaroth was and we all gave her a quick rundown of what he was all about. She said that she would help us fight, but Dean told her that this was not her fight. He was not going to have her blood on his hands. As we were all talking Anna showed up. She warned us that we needed to get out of town and somewhere safe because Astaroth was coming. Sam suggested we get going to my father's house ASAP.

We are on our way to my father's house right now. Dean is driving like a maniac so that we can get there before anything can happen. Jo really wanted to join us, but Dean threatened to call her mother. Apparently Ellen is not one to be messed with. Dean learned that lesson before. So now it is back to the three of us. I feel really bad for the way I treated Jo. I wish I could have gotten to know her better. It would be nice to have a friend that isn't a guy. Sam is the closest thing I have to a girlfriend.

Feb 3, 2010

I have been locked in the panic room since January 17th. I have not been outside of this room since then. I feel like a prisoner. Sam, Dean, and my father have tried their best to make the room feel less dungeon like, but nothing is going to work. Dean keeps apologizing and telling me that this is the only way to protect me. I asked Dean what the plan was because I am not going to sit in the panic room until I have our baby. I'm not even halfway through. I have over five months left until I give birth. Dean said that they are working on a plan, but don't have much yet. I reminded him that we have the Colt now and that should kill Astaroth.

My father has given me some books to read while I am stuck down here. I have been learning a few things, but I know most of this stuff already. I learned a lot more in Hell than I think my father realizes. I was down there for over a century. I don't mind reading them because it gives me something to do. I am alone most of the day because all three of them are working out a way to get Astaroth. Dean comes down every once in a while to see how I am doing. He brings me my meals and stays with me until I finish eating. Sam had my father bring down a television so I could watch that too.

I really just want to get out of this room. I know that I should stay in and keep my baby safe, but I also want to kill Astaroth. It should be a quick shot to the head with the Colt. If the Colt killed Azazel then it should definitely kill Astaroth.

Feb 17, 2010

Guess who decided to show up to have a little talk. Since I am confined to the panic room Castiel decided it was time for us to clear the air. I was just lounging around coming up with different scenarios to kill Astaroth when Castiel showed up. I forgot that the panic room only keeps out demons, not angels. I knew I couldn't go anywhere and there was no way to get rid of him.

He came over and sat on the end of the bed with his back to me. The look on his face was one that I never thought I would see on an angel. He looked so sad. I couldn't give him too much attitude because I would've felt like a complete bitch. I asked him what he wanted. He said that he came to apologize. He knew channeling through me for help was wrong, but he was weak and didn't know what else to do. He sounded like he was on the verge of crying. I told him that wasn't what I was upset about. I was angry with him for not removing the pain after I saved him. Those weren't my wounds I was dying from. I wasn't the one stabbed, but I still bled. I wanted an explanation as to why I had to suffer through his pain.

After about thirty seconds of silence he finally turned towards me and said that he couldn't remove the wounds. He really did try, but nothing would work. When I was in the hospital he tried his hardest to heal my stomach, but he couldn't do it. The only thing he could do was keep me alive. He admitted that he didn't know how to deal with the new feeling of guilt he had encountered. It was something he never had to deal with before. He thought maybe if he went away for a while that the feeling would disappear, but after Dean yelled at him for what he had done he couldn't get rid of it. He would watch over me everyday to make sure I was alive. Whenever I would grimace or grab my stomach in pain he knew that he was the cause. He then said he was truly sorry for all the pain he caused me. I couldn't stay mad at him when I saw how sorry and guilty he was. I put my hand on his and told him I forgave him. He thanked me and then sat on the end of the bed thinking.

I kept my hand on his the entire time he was thinking. I had sort of forgotten it was there. I finally asked him what was going on with Astaroth. He looked at me and said they were working on it. He gripped my hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. With his other hand he brushed my cheek. He told me that he wouldn't let anything happen to me. I had no idea that Castiel cared about me so much.

He was about to tell me more when Dean came in the room. He shouted at Castiel to get away from me. Dean thought that Castiel was messing with my head. I took my hand out of Castiel's and told Dean that everything was okay. Cas just came to apologize for what happened. Dean was still furious and reminded me that I almost died. Castiel tried to explain what happened to Dean, but he didn't want to hear it. He was not going to forgive Castiel for the pain and suffering he put me through. I reminded Dean that we both wouldn't be alive without Castiel. Dean said he was grateful for that. However, he didn't like that Castiel almost killed me out of selfishness. I couldn't take Dean's stubbornness anymore and shouted at him that I am alive. I didn't die back there because Castiel kept me alive. If Castiel didn't care about me he would've let me die after he was saved. Dean was about to say something back when I cut him off. I told him to stop it and just move on. He looked me in the eye and said it wasn't that easy. Then he walked out of the room and slammed the door behind him. I turned towards Castiel and apologized for Dean's behavior. He said it was completely justified and then he left.

I sat in the room alone for several hours going over what had just happened when Sam came in the room. He wanted to know what happened with Castiel. I could tell that Dean already told his side. Sam wanted to hear my side of the story. I told him everything that Castiel said.

When I was finished Sam nodded his head in understanding. He was about to explain Dean's side when I stopped him. I understood Dean's side, but it was time for Dean to move past it. Sam put his arm around my shoulders and commented on how Dean was a stubborn jackass. I nodded in agreement and then leaned into Sam. I had forgotten how warm and inviting Sam's arms could be. He kissed me on the forehead and said that he was happy I was alive and that he loved me. He could tell that things got awkward and hurried up and added like a sister. I picked my head off his shoulder, punched him playfully on the chest, and said I loved him too like a bro. He got up and said goodnight before leaving the room.

Shortly after Sam left I decided it was time for me to go to sleep. When I woke up in the middle of the night I found that Dean had decided to join me in the bed. He was already asleep, but he wasn't cuddling with me like usual. I knew that meant he was still angry with me. I didn't want him to be angry with me anymore so I went over to him and put my head on his chest. He woke up immediately and asked what I was doing. I told him I was sleeping and then asked him the same question. He said that he was trying to sleep. Then he turned to his side so that his back was to me.

I couldn't believe what I did next. I started crying. I have a feeling it was because of the pregnancy that my mood changed so suddenly. I didn't think I was that upset when he turned his back to me. I was trying to keep the tears to myself, but eventually Dean turned back towards me and asked if I was crying. I shook my head and told him I had something in my eye. Dean sat up and told me to stop crying because I know that he can't stand to see me cry. He pulled me into him so that my head was on his chest. He said that he wasn't going to apologize for the things he said, but he will try to move on and forgive Castiel. He wasn't going to make any promises. That made me happy. He asked if we could go back to sleep now that everything was settled. I gave him a kiss and then told him yes. Dean lay back down and pulled me into him again so that my head was on his chest. I fell back to sleep and stayed there for the rest of the night.

Mar 5, 2010

My birthday was so much fun. Well, at least my father, Sam, and Dean tried to make it fun, but it didn't really work. They surprised me with a home cooked meal. Sam and my father brought down the dinner while Dean carried the cake. The cake looked interesting because Dean attempted to decorate it. I could tell that he got frustrated halfway through and stopped caring. It doesn't help that his handwriting is chicken scratch already. I could sort of make out the words "Happy Birthday." I complimented Dean on his awesome artwork. He could tell I was being sarcastic and told me to shove off. Sam then told me to be careful eating the cake because Dean made it and I might get E. Coli. The way he said E. Coli sounded really weird. He made it all into one word. I tried to correct him without saying anything by telling him that a person cannot get E. Coli from cake. I put a lot of emphasis on the "E". Sam didn't really get the hint, but Dean realized what I was doing and let out a laugh. Sam wanted to know what was so funny, but Dean wouldn't tell him.

I changed the subject by asking what was for dinner. My father told me he made my favorite. He lifted off the aluminum foil and revealed his infamous spaghetti. I was happy because I hadn't had a really good meal in a while. There was also some delicious garlic bread for the side. Sam also made a Caesar Salad. He said that they wanted to stick to a Mediterranean theme. I asked him why he picked a Caesar Salad if that was the theme. He gave me this look like I was an idiot and said that Caesar Salads were Greek and Greece is in the Mediterranean. I shook my head and told him the salad was Mexican. Cesare Cardini created it. People associated it with Greece because of Julius Caesar. Sam rolled his eyes and said whatever. Dean was amused by our conversation. He was smiling for the next five minutes because of it.

We all sat around the small, round table and ate the delicious meal they prepared. During dinner I asked what they had come up with for killing Astaroth. My father said they came down to the conclusion that the only way to kill him is with the Colt. I already figured that out. They are just figuring out how to get him with the gun. It will have to be very fast. He cannot know it is coming because otherwise he will stop the bullet. I asked if there was a way for me to get out of the room for a few hours without him sensing me. Sam said there probably was a way. I told them we should try to lead him here and I'll wait until the opportune moment to come out and shoot him from behind. My father and Sam said it could possibly work, but Dean said no way. He mentioned that I was getting too big and wouldn't be able to move fast enough. I couldn't believe Dean said that; I didn't think I was that fat. Sam and my father knew that Dean said the wrong thing and just stared at Dean shocked. I put down my fork, stood up, and shouted at Dean to get out. Dean had no clue what he did wrong. He just said it was true that I was getting too big. I was about to go after Dean when my father stood between us and Sam pushed me to the other side of the room. My father managed to get Dean out of the room. Sam stayed with me and made sure I didn't go after Dean.

Sam made me sit down on my bed and told me that Dean was an idiot. I turned away from Sam and told him not to look at me. He made me turn around so that I would look at him. He put his hands on my shoulders so that I couldn't turn away from him, but I kept my head down so I wouldn't look at him. That just made him grab my face with one hand so that I had to look at him. He told me again that Dean was an idiot and then said that I was beautiful and wasn't too big. He said that he could barely notice anything different about me. I knew he was lying because I could see my stomach sticking out. My normal clothes didn't fit me anymore. My wardrobe was a bunch of hand-me-downs from Sam and Dean, and sweatpants. I smiled and thanked Sam for making me feel better. He said it was no problem and then pulled me in for a hug.

As he was hugging me he started scooting back so that we could lie down. I put my head on his chest and rested my hands on my stomach. As we were lying there Sam started playing with my hair and commented on how Dean loves me and that was why he didn't want me fighting Astaroth. I knew that, but Dean needs to let me fight my own battles sometimes. Sam was about to say something else when I felt the baby kick. I got really excited and told Sam. He moved one of his hands to my stomach and waited for another kick. A few moments later it kicked again. Sam thought it was so cool and kept his hand there waiting for another one. The baby kicked a few more times while Sam kept his hands there. I was so comfortable in Sam's arms. As his hand was on my stomach I moved mine on top of his without noticing. We stayed like that for a while until Dean walked in. Dean didn't like seeing me in Sam's arms like that and asked if he was interrupting. Sam and I both sat up and moved away from each other. Sam got up and said he was going to go upstairs to read. Dean told Sam that was a good idea and watched him the entire time he was leaving with an irritated look.

When Sam was finally out the door Dean turned towards me and apologized for interrupting that precious moment between Sam and I. I just ignored the comment and asked if he was going to call me fat again. He got very defensive and said he never called me fat. He kept trying to come up with the best way to explain what he meant, but no matter how he phrased it it still sounded like he was calling me fat. He gave up and said that he thought I was radiant. I told him that it must be from hanging in a basement for the past month and a half. I continued and said that I wanted Astaroth dead within the month because I really needed to see a doctor and I wasn't going to have my baby in a panic room. Dean said he understood and would try his best. I recommended that he get in contact with Castiel and possibly team up with him. They might have the upper hand with an angel or two on their side. I could tell Dean still hadn't forgiven Castiel, but he said he would think about it. I told him that I promised to stay out of the fight if he got Castiel and Anna involved in getting Astaroth. He asked me if I was serious. I nodded and said I was dead serious. Dean pulled me into him and said that we needed to seal the deal. I repeated my promise of backing off in return of him working with the angels and then gave him a kiss on the lips.

Shortly after I kissed him we moved over to the bed. Dean wanted to really seal the deal, but I turned him down because I was still feeling fat. I didn't tell him that, but I think he figured out my reason on his own. I crawled into my little nook on Dean's chest and just stared up at the devil's trap on the ceiling. Dean tightened his grip around my shoulder so that I would be closer to him and said that he hated it when we fought. I told him to stop saying stupid things then if he didn't want a fight. He gave me a quick noogie and said he hopes our kid has my great sense of humor. I knew he was being sarcastic, but I agreed with him anyways. He moved his hand to the one I had on my stomach and gave it a squeeze. Soon after that we each fell asleep. Dean kept his hand on my stomach the entire night.

Mar 23, 2010

I have a roommate now. Sam has joined me in the panic room lockdown. However his reason for being down here isn't because some demon wants him dead it is because he has been drinking demon blood again. I'm not sure whom he was getting it from. He wanted to be strong for when they went after Astaroth. Here's how everything went down.

Dean formed his alliance with Castiel and Anna and started making better plans about killing Astaroth. I also kept to my end of the deal and stayed out of the way. Dean didn't tell me much about their plans, but told me when they planned on going after Astaroth.

Yesterday, the day before the plan to kill Astaroth, I was sitting in the panic room, as usual, reading one of my father's books again when the door opened. I looked up and saw Dean and my father carrying Sam into the room. Sam was unconscious and beaten pretty badly. I noticed that Dean had a few cuts and bruises on his face too. I was concerned about what had happened. I moved out of the bed so they could put Sam down and then asked what happened. Dean explained that he caught Sam drinking demon blood and then left the room locking the door behind him.

Sam had some pretty bad cuts and bruises on his face. His eye was puffed up, lip was split open, and it looked like his nose might be broken. I got the first aid kit out of one of the cabinets and started patching him up. I cleaned up most of the dried blood and put an ice pack over his eye. He started waking up after I put the ice pack on his eye. He put his hand on the one I had over his eye and let out a groan. I moved my hand from under his and let him hold his own ice pack. He finally opened his other eye and took in his surroundings. Once he saw that he was in the panic room he shot out of the bed. He became furious and asked what he was doing there. I asked him if he really thought he could get away with drinking demon blood again. He shouted at me not to start and then tried to unlock the door. I knew that was useless. I have tried numerous times to get out, but the door doesn't budge.

He kept trying for the next ten minutes. After the first minute I got bored and went back to reading. When he finally gave up he sat on the bed with me. I asked Sam one of the questions that were on my mind, who was feeding him demon blood? He shook his head and said he didn't want to talk about it. I didn't really care if he didn't want to talk about it because we were going to talk about it. I thought I convinced him that he doesn't need demon blood to get strong. All he needs to do is focus and he should be strong enough. I told Sam that we were going to be stuck in this room for a while so he might as well tell me everything. He admitted that what he did was wrong and he knew that the whole time, but it didn't stop him. That wasn't answering my question. I could tell that Sam really didn't feel like discussing it yet. I would get it out of him eventually. So I tried to think of something to change the subject.

I started looking around the room when the picture of my parents on the table next to the bed caught my eye. I thought I had lost the picture forever since I had died, but Annabelle was smart enough to throw it in the box of things with my name on it. I decided it was time to find out where Sam got that picture. I grabbed the picture off the table, sat down next to Sam, and asked him where he got it. He yet again was trying to avoid my question. I told him he either answers this question or the one about the demon blood.

After a moment of thought he decided to answer my question about the photo. He made me promise not to get mad at him. I told him I promised and then made him confess. He said that one day he decided to do some research about my family. He wanted to find out what happened the day they died and if there was a picture of them somewhere. When he found the article about the fire in the local paper there was a copy of the picture I had. Under the picture were credits to a family member. It said that Kurt's brother, my uncle, provided it. Sam searched around to find out the brother's name and if he was still alive. He found out that my father had an older brother named Edward who lived near where I was born. I didn't even know where that was. He made a trip over to his house shortly after school was let out for winter break. It wasn't a far trip because they lived about an hour from my house. He went over and told them he was a reporter and was writing a story about the death of his brother and sister-in-law. Ed gave him a copy of the picture for his article.

I couldn't believe what Sam had just told me. I had relatives? It didn't even cross my mind that I might have living relatives. I guess it sort of makes sense. I asked Sam why he never told me this before. He shrugged his shoulders and admitted that it never really crossed his mind. I couldn't believe that it never crossed his mind. How could finding someone's living relatives never cross someone's mind? I would think about it once I saw the person. If I ever found out that Sam and Dean had a brother or sister they didn't know about I would tell them. I asked Sam if there were any other relatives I should be aware of. He shook his head and said there weren't any that he found. I had several questions that I wanted to ask Sam, but the most important one was where they lived. He told me that they live in Ellendale, North Dakota. I have no clue where that is, but apparently it is only an hour from my house.

I thanked Sam for telling me and then asked him what time Dean and my father were leaving to get Astaroth. He said that the plan was to leave around noon to get to the location. I didn't even want to know where they had to go. Sam admitted that they would be driving sort of far to get to him. They probably weren't going to reach their destination until sun down. I was going to ask him what the plan was, but I stopped myself. It would just stress me out more knowing what they had planned.

Shortly after our little talk I was starting to get sleepy. I told Sam I was ready for bed and he asked me where he was supposed to sleep. I didn't care if he slept in the bed with me. We are family after all. I told him it was fine as long as he doesn't take up the whole bed. When I woke up this morning Sam had moved over to my side of the bed and was spooning with me. I gently lifted his arm off of me and moved over to the chair at the desk. I wasn't bothered by what happened it was just sort of awkward. It didn't even faze Sam that I had moved off the bed. His arm just fell onto the space I was occupying.

I was bored so I decided to do some research about my family. I opened up my laptop and started getting into the research when Dean opened the door. He stuck his head in and quietly told me to come to him. He didn't want to wake Sam up because he knew that would mean another fight. I started walking over to him and noticed that Sam was starting to wake up. Dean waved at me to move faster. I started moving as fast as my body would let me towards the door. Sam was stretching out on the bed, but hadn't opened his eyes yet. I got to the door and Dean opened it to let me out. I was surprised that he was doing that. I didn't stop to question him because I knew Sam would notice and run for the door.

As soon as I stepped out of the door Dean shut it. I was curious as to what he wanted. He said that they were about to leave and he wanted to say goodbye to me before he left. I could tell that he was really nervous. I told him to be careful and bring everyone back in one piece besides Astaroth. He pulled me into him and gave me a long, passionate kiss. When we finished kissing he said that he loved me and that we would go to the doctor first thing when he comes back. He gave me another kiss and then lifted up my shirt, kissed my stomach, and said that he would be back. He came back up to me and started giving me more kisses. He would give me a quick kiss, say that he was leaving and then start over again. Eventually I pushed him away and told him to go do his job. He started opening up the panic room door and told me to go in quickly. As soon as he opened it I hopped in and shut it behind me. Sam wasn't even trying to get out. He was just sitting at the desk looking at what I had opened on the computer before I left with Dean.

Sam saw that I was researching my family roots. I told him that I wanted to find out exactly where they live. I plan on visiting them as soon as I get out of the panic room. Sam told me that was a terrible idea. They aren't going to know what to say when they see me because they think that I am dead. It said in the article that everyone in the house died, including myself. I don't really care what Sam has to say. I'm going to see them. I don't plan on telling them who I really am. I just want to meet them. Sam said as long as I don't tell them the truth I will probably be better off. Then he took over the computer so that he could give me the exact address. He found it pretty quickly and then wrote it down for me. He shut the laptop and said that was enough research for the day. I told him I wanted to find out more, but he wouldn't let me. I really wanted to continue working on the computer to keep my mind off of Dean and my father going after Astaroth.

It has now been twelve hours since they left and I haven't heard anything from them. Dean said he would call as soon as everything was finished so I knew everyone was alive. Sam has been pacing back and forth for the past hour and I have been biting my nails raw. We both hate being stuck in this room. All this stress is not good for the baby. I can feel him or her kicking and turning more than before. I really hope Dean calls soon with good news. My biggest concern is that he or my father will end up dead, but I can't think that way. I need to think positive. Sam keeps making me check my cell to make sure I have reception. Even if I don't have reception we have a backup phone Dean will call that is a landline. I won't be able to sleep until Dean or my father calls me with the good news. I'm very tired, but can't fall to sleep.

Mar 25, 2010

Dean and my father are both alive and in one piece. With the help of Castiel and Anna they killed Astaroth. We can all rest a little easier now.

About twelve hours after my last entry my father opened the door to the panic room and told me I was free. I got up out of the bed and ran for the door. I couldn't believe I was finally free. I hadn't been outside in over two months. Sam got up with me and started heading for the door when my father stopped him. He told Sam that he was still on lockdown. Sam got irritated and asked my father for an explanation. My father simply told him that he wasn't done detoxing. I waved goodbye to Sam and walked out the door.

Once I was out the door my father told me that Dean needed me by his side. I got worried and asked him what was wrong. He started leading me up the stairs while telling me about how Dean really got worked over by Astaroth and his crew. He wasn't in terrible shape, but he was still unconscious. I got up all the stairs and walked into the living room where Dean was asleep on the couch. I could see the cuts and bruises on his body and face. He really did get worked over. My father assured me that none of his injuries were serious, but he was in a lot of pain. I went over to Dean and knelt down to him. It was sort of uncomfortable with the baby bump, but I managed to stay on my knees. I started tracing the cuts on his arms and face when I realized I wasn't thinking much about Dean's pain. I was thinking about my aunt and uncle. I was thinking about how now I can go meet them. I looked up at my father and told him that I had something I needed to do and I should be back later that night. My dad wanted to know where I was going, but I just wouldn't give him an answer. I told him it was something that I needed to do and to tell Dean, if he wakes up, not to worry about me. My father didn't put up too much of a fight and let me leave.

The drive to Ellendale wasn't all that bad. It actually took me less than an hour to get there. On my way to meet my aunt and uncle I decided to give them a call so they knew I was coming. When I was on the Internet doing research I found out that they own a diner named "Coltan Family Diner." They are famous for their pies, especially their banana cream pie. My plan was to pose as a reporter for a local newspaper and their restaurant is going to be featured in the "Eats" section. I gave them a call and they said they were available at any time. Before I got to their house I stopped at the gas station to change into my reporter outfit. It doesn't fit as well as it did because of the pregnancy. It is definitely noticeable that I am expecting a child.

After I got ready at the gas station I drove over to their house. It was an old Victorian style house. My uncle answered the door and right away I could see the family resemblance. He looked very much like my father. He invited me into their home where his lovely wife, Miranda, soon greeted me. I introduced myself as Sophie Winchester and shook both their hands. They both looked to be in their mid-fifties, but were in really good shape. I could tell right away that they were friendly people. Miranda had a smile on her face almost the entire time I was there. After we were all done introducing ourselves we took a seat in their living room.

I started asking them all these questions about their diner, but what I really wanted to get to was their family. I figured since they owned a family diner it wouldn't be too difficult. I asked them if they had any other family who helped run the diner. They were about to answer my question when a woman in her late twenties or early thirties came in the front door wearing one of the uniforms from the diner. She walked in and asked who's red Mustang was parked in front. She hadn't seen me yet, but Miranda told her it was mine. The woman looked up and apologized and then introduced herself. Her name was Christina. She was about the same height and build as me and had long brown hair. I could tell that I was related to her too. I stood up and shook her hand while introducing myself. I asked her if she worked at the restaurant too. She told me that she didn't, but loved wearing the adorable uniform for fun. I picked up on the sarcasm and knew how stupid my question sounded. I decided that I would ask her a few questions too.

She said that was cool, but needed a few minutes to get something to eat and change. I asked her where the washroom was because I needed to use it. She gave me the directions and I was almost to the washroom when I saw Christina's room. It was such a cool room. I got distracted and started looking around. I looked over at the mirror to make sure I still looked decent when a picture on it caught my eye. At first I thought it was the picture of Sam and I that I had framed, but when I got closer to it I realized it was Christina and Sam. I had no words for what I was seeing. Sam had met my cousin and taken a picture with her. She must have known Sam well enough to keep a picture of him on her mirror. I took the picture off the mirror to give it a closer look. I couldn't believe how much Christina looked like me. Her hair was the exact same color and texture as mine. I kept looking up at the mirror and down at the picture to find other similarities. I noticed that we had to same eyes and cheekbones. It makes sense since we are relatives.

As I was taking in the picture Christina had walked in the room and asked if I got lost on my way to the bathroom. I turned around, gave her the picture back, and asked how she knew Sam Winchester. She said they went to college together and then asked me the same thing. I was about to answer when she cut me off. She was making the connection in her head and asked me what my name was again. I told her it was Sophie Winchester and that told her everything, or so I thought. She paused for a second and then said, "Oh my gosh, you're Sophie, as in Sam's Sophie? I heard so much about you from him. How long have you two been married?"

I started shaking my head right away and told her that Sam and I never got married. She got confused and asked about the same last name thing. That was when I realized how soup opera-y my life is. I bashfully explained to her that I married his brother. I could see the judgment in her face, but she apologized and said she just thought with the way he talked about me that we would end up married one day.

I decided it was time to change the subject. I asked her how a graduate from Stanford University could go from a school like that to working at their parents' diner. She corrected me right away and said that Ed and Miranda weren't her parents. They were her aunt and uncle. I apologized for my assumption and asked where her parents were. She explained that they died in a fire when she was a little girl.

Once I heard her answer I was in complete shock. I asked her to repeat herself. She gave the same answer, but started to go into more detail. She explained that when she was about four her house caught on fire and her parents and little sister died. I could feel my anger building as she went into detail. Sam must have known she was my sister, why would he keep that from me? I tried to keep my anger hidden so I could get as much information from her as possible. I gave my sympathies and asked her how she was fortunate enough to survive the fire. She explained that she had stayed the night at her grandparents' house that night. When she was told what happened she didn't understand what that meant. She wanted to know when her parents were coming to get her. I couldn't believe what she was telling me. It should have been obvious to me when I first saw her. She looks too much like me to just be a cousin. Some of the similarities we have aren't even from my father's side. I couldn't hold in my anger much longer and excused myself. I told her I would be back in the morning to ask her a few more questions. She looked a little confused by my behavior, but said that was fine.

I got into my car and started the engine right away. I was furious at Sam and didn't know how to take this new information. I sped away from the house and drove to my house in about half the time it took me to get there. I didn't pay attention to how fast I was going, but I would say the average speed was 100 mph. All I could think about the entire time was how Sam kept this from me for years. I wanted an explanation from him.

When I got home I marched up the front steps and slammed the screen door open. Dean was sitting on the couch watching television and drinking a beer when I came stampeding in. I didn't even take notice that Dean was awake. Dean just stayed on the couch and didn't say anything to me. I had no clue if Sam was still in the panic room or not, but I assumed that was where he was. I went through the kitchen where my father was preparing dinner. He started asking me where I went, but I just ignored him and continued to the basement. He could tell I was on a mission. I got to the bottom of the stairs and walked over to the panic room door. I took a deep breath to calm myself down, but it didn't really do much. I opened the door and found Sam sitting on the bed.

Sam could see from the look on my face that I wasn't very happy. He got out of the bed and started telling me to calm down before I did anything stupid. I went to punch him on the shoulder, but he moved mid-punch so I ended up punching his collarbone instead. Sam grabbed it in pain and asked what that was for. I asked him how he could not tell me I had a sister all these years. He had no clue what I was talking about. I told him that I knew about Christina and I saw the picture of the two of them. He said that he didn't know she was my sister. He thought she was my cousin. He admitted that he knew I had a sister, but he couldn't find her because they never said her name in any of the articles and there were no records of her. I could tell that Sam was telling me the truth. I apologized for hitting him, but he said he was fine. I felt a little better knowing that Sam didn't keep that information from me, but I still was in shock over learning about my family's existence. I took a few moments to take in the information. Sam let me absorb on my own and sat back down on the bed.

After about five minutes of absorbing everything I remembered that Dean was finally awake. I apologized again to Sam and made my way upstairs. When I got upstairs my father was sitting at the table eating his dinner. I could tell he was just waiting for me to come upstairs to get information from me. He started asking me the question about my whereabouts when I told him to hold that thought because I wanted to see Dean.

Dean was in the same position he was in when I walked in the door. I sat on the couch next to him and propped my feet up on the coffee table. He glanced over at me and asked where I ran off to. I told him that I went to meet my aunt and uncle. Dean took his feet off the coffee table and turned towards me. He was just as confused as I thought he would be. He asked if I meant my real aunt and uncle. I nodded and told him all about what happened including finding out about Christina. When I told him I had a sister he asked me if there were any similarities, but as he was asking the question he positioned his hands by his chest and acted like he was grabbing his fake breasts. He didn't even notice he was doing it. I looked at him and asked if he wanted to know if we had the same breast size. He shook his head, but said that since I brought it up. I threw the pillow that was next to me at him and called him a pig.

Little to our knowledge my father had been listening in on our conversation the entire time. Dean and I had been sitting on the couch talking about what I was going to do about my new knowledge when my father called me into the kitchen. I went in there and right away he started asking me about my new found family. I told him what I already knew about them and explained that I wanted to find out more from them. I wanted to go back and tell them whom I really was. My father wasn't sure if that was a good idea, but wasn't going to stop me because I am an adult.

Dean insists on coming with me for the second time. I don't see the harm in him coming with. I could really use the moral support. I'm still not sure how I am going to tell them who I really am. How will I get them to believe me? I need something as proof. Looking like Christina is not enough evidence. I asked my father if he ever got my real birth certificate. He said that John created a brand new one for me so that no one questioned where I came from. My father doesn't think John knew about Christina. I can't do a DNA test because both parents are dead. Who knows if it will even go that far. They might believe me right away. Showing the picture of my parents might help. I might as well bring it along.

Dean and I are leaving first thing in the morning. After we finalized our plans I asked Dean about what happened with Astaroth. I still hadn't heard how they killed him. Dean didn't want to go into detail. He said it would just be better if I didn't know the little details. What I wanted to know was who killed him in the end. Dean casually said that he killed him. Without thinking I punched Dean in the arm and told him jokingly to get out. I was proud of him for killing my enemy. Dean grabbed his arm in pain and told me not to do that because he already had a bruise there from one of Astaroth's bitches. I had forgotten about all the aches and pains he must have been sitting through. I had gotten used to the bruises on his face. I apologized for punching him in the arm and then I apologized again for making him go through this pain. It was my fault. He was fighting my battle for me. Dean assured me that the pain he was going through was nothing compared to what he would be going through if Astaroth killed me. He said it was worth it to see me alive. How sappy.

Mar 27, 2010

Dean and I left the next morning just like we planned. Dean drove this time to their house even though I knew the way. He got us to the house in about forty-five minutes. When we finally got there Dean turned off the engine and started getting out of the car, but I was so anxious that I couldn't move. Dean came around to the other side of the car and opened my door. He knelt down to my level and asked what was wrong. I admitted to him that I didn't think I could tell them the truth. It has been almost twenty-five years since the fire happened. I was so afraid that they wouldn't accept me. I started crying because of all these feelings I was having. Dean cupped my cheek with his hand, brushed away one of my tears with his thumb, and reminded me that he was here for me.

As Dean was consoling me Christina had spotted us from the window. She must've noticed me crying because she ran out of the house asking me what was wrong. She sounded genuinely concerned. Dean moved out of the way so Christina could be by me. She also knelt down to my level and put her hands in my lap. She asked me again what was wrong. I took a deep breath and told her that we needed to talk inside. She said that was fine and then got up to head into the house. I took one more deep breath and then got out of the car. Dean grabbed my hand once I got out and stopped me before I could walk any further. He could see that I was still nervous. He put my face between his hands and told me that no matter what I still had a family. He gave me a kiss and then moved his hand back into mine. Christina was standing at the top of the stairs waiting for us.

When I got in the house I asked her where her aunt and uncle were. She told me that they were working at the diner for the day. It was her day off. Christina looked over at Dean and asked if he was Sam's brother. He nodded and introduced himself. Christina then asked what we needed to talk about. I told her it would be best if we sat down. We all took a seat in the living room. As soon as I sat down my leg started shaking. Dean put his hand on it to calm me down. I sat there trying to figure out how to tell her I was her dead sister. I didn't realize how long we had been sitting there in silence until Christina asked me what the big news was. I started by telling her that I wasn't actually a reporter for the local newspaper, and I wasn't doing a story on their family restaurant. She nodded and said she figured that was the case when she first met me. I didn't think she would stay so calm when I told her that. She asked me very calmly why I was here. I took a moment to collect my thoughts. This was the part that was the hardest. Dean gave my leg a squeeze to remind me he was there.

I grabbed the picture of my parents out of my bag and handed it to her. I told her that was why I am here. She was surprised that I had a picture of her parents and wanted to know where I got it. I told her that Sam gave it to me as a Christmas present about ten years ago. She asked why Sam would give me a picture of her parents. I took a deep breath and told her they were my parents too. She shook her head and said that was impossible. She exclaimed that her sister died in the fire. I asked her if they ever found the body of the baby. She said she didn't know because she was only four. She kept shaking her head and saying it wasn't possible. I then asked her what the name of her sister was. She stopped shaking her head and started thinking of what her name was. Once she remembered she looked up at me and said it was Sophie.

I could see that she was starting to accept that I was her sister, but then she started shaking her head again. She got up and started pacing the room. After about two minutes of pacing she stopped and asked me if this was some sort of sick joke. I told her it certainly was not a joke. I got up and told her I was her sister. She asked me how I got out of the fire safely. I explained that Sam and Dean's father saved me from the fire. She still didn't believe it. I told her to look at the resemblance between us. We have the same body type, hair, eyes, and cheekbones. I could see her realizing I was right about our similarities. She slowly started to believe me, but excused herself so she could go digest what she was just told.

Once she was out of the room Dean pulled me down to the couch so he could calm me down. He put his arm around me and kissed my neck. I thanked him for being with me for support. He said it was no problem and that's what husbands are for. I leaned into him and tried to relax, but I couldn't. I was still stressed about whether Christina would accept me. She reacted how I pictured she would, but there was still the chance that she wouldn't believe me.

All of the stress and anxiety I was feeling wasn't good for the baby. As I was sitting waiting for Christina to come back I started getting shooting pains in my stomach. I tried ignoring them, but they started to get really bad. I couldn't hold in my screams of pain and let one tiny one out. I started grabbing my stomach and gasping for air. I couldn't breath because the pain was so bad. Dean started asking me what was wrong, but I couldn't answer because of the shortness of breath. I grabbed onto his shirt so that I wouldn't fall over.

Christina ran into the room and asked what was wrong. Dean shook his head and said he had no idea. Little did I know Christina was a pediatric nurse. That was what she went to Stanford for. She told Dean to help bring me to her room so that I could lie down on a bed. Dean picked me up and carried me to her room in a hurry. He put me on her bed and backed up so she could look at me. She put her hands on my stomach and started pressing into it. She said that the baby was kicking up a storm because of all my stress. She told me that I just needed to relax and the pain would go away. It was hard to relax when I couldn't breathe. She started imitating the Lamaze technique in breathing. Dean started doing it with her and motioned for me to join in. I looked at him like he was crazy because I didn't think it would work. I joined in anyways and it surprisingly worked. After just a minute of doing the breathing exercise I was feeling better.

After I caught my breath I thanked Christina for helping me. I had never felt that much pain during my pregnancy before. She asked me when the last time I went to the doctor was. I admitted that it had been over three months since my last visit. She was shocked by this information. She told us that we were supposed to see the doctor every week. I already knew that because it wasn't my first pregnancy. She said she was going to call her doctor right away so I can get a check up. I told her that wasn't necessary because I was going to go to the doctor when I got home. She didn't care about my answer and called her doctor anyways. The doctor said he would be able to take me right away. Dean helped me get out of the bed and Christina led us to her car. Dean really wanted to drive, but Christina said it would be faster since she knows where she is going. Dean helped me get into the passenger seat and he sat in the backseat behind me.

While we were driving to the doctor's Christina kept looking over at me. I could tell she was still going over the conversation we had earlier in her head. We all sat in the car in awkward silence. Dean couldn't really take it anymore and leaned between Christina and I and put on the radio. I was thoroughly impressed with what station was playing when he turned it on. It was one of the classic rock stations. Dean approved and sat back to listen to the music. Christina didn't even notice that the music was playing. She was so lost in thought. I wondered if she would forget where we were going, but then she pulled into a strip of medical offices and parked the car. Dean got out of the car and opened my door before I even had the chance. He helped me out of the car and we walked into the office together. Christina told us to take a seat while she checked us in. The receptionist seemed to know her well and greeted her right away. I forgot that Ellendale isn't a very large town.

Dean and I took a seat by a woman with a broken arm. She saw my stomach and asked me how far along I was. I told her that I was a little over five months along. Then I asked her what happened to her arm. She said that she was skiing and fell. She was about to ask us more questions when Christina sat down with us. The woman knew Christina also. She started asking her about the restaurant and her aunt and uncle. The woman noticed the resemblance between us and asked if we were related. We both weren't sure how to answer the question. I knew she was my sister and she was still thinking it through. Dean just sat there waiting to hear what our answer was. Christina finally said no. I was heartbroken when I heard that answer. I really thought that Christina was accepting me as her sister. She showed that she cared about me by helping before and insisting I go to the doctor. The woman apologized and said that it looked like we could be sisters. Right after she said that one of the nurses came out and called in the woman. She said it was nice to meet me and congratulated Dean and I on our baby.

Once the woman was gone there was an awkward silence between the three of us. I just wanted to ask Christina why she was helping me if she thought I was some stranger. I knew this was not the place to get into that discussion so I bit my lip. Dean could see me tensing up and put his hand on my leg to calm me down. He leaned over, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and told me to relax. I kept trying to calm down, but all I kept hearing in my head was Christina rejecting me as her sister. I leaned back, put my head on the wall, and closed my eyes. Dean kept his hand on my leg until the nurse finally called me in. All three of us got up and started walking towards the nurse when she stopped us and said only family can go back. I turned towards Christina and told her she better sit in the lobby then. She could hear the coldness in my voice and looked like she was going to cry. I didn't really care. She was the one who said I wasn't related to her. She could have given me an explanation afterward, but she didn't.

The nurse brought us back to the room and had me sit on the inspection table. Dean sat down on the chair across from me. She started by asking how far along I was. I told her the date that I conceived and she did the math in her head. Then she took the normal tests. When she took my blood pressure she commented on how it was sort of high. Dean told her that it has been a stressful week. After she took the necessary tests she asked me when my last doctor's visit was. I told her the truth and right away she scolded me for not going every week. She asked me why I wasn't visiting the doctor. I didn't really know what to say. I couldn't tell her that I was locked in a panic room for two months because a demon wanted me dead. She would think I was crazy and might think that Dean was dangerous for the baby and me. Dean said that we were traveling a lot and just lost track of time. The nurse didn't really buy it, but didn't ask anything further. She told me to lie back and wait for the doctor to come in. After she set up the ultrasound equipment she left the room.

Dean and I sat in the room alone for about ten minutes. He smiled and said that we were going to see our baby in just a few minutes. I told him we would also find out the sex of the baby. I asked him which one he wanted. He said that he didn't care because he would love it either way. I commented on how he was being such a girl lately. He got offended and asked how he was being a girl. I started imitating some of the cheesy lines he has been throwing at me lately. He said he wasn't being a girl; he was being a loving husband. I rolled my eyes and said whatever. He imitated my whatever and then threw one of the pens by him at me.

After he threw the pen at me the doctor walked in. The doctor was a young doctor and pretty attractive. He introduced himself as Dr. Harper and started asking me questions about my pregnancy. As he was asking me the questions he started putting on his exam gloves. He lifted up my shirt and started putting on the ultrasound gel. I had forgotten how cold that stuff is. I jerked a little when he put it on and he let out a little laugh. He apologized for the gel being cold. Dean got up out of the chair and came over to my side so he could see the monitor. He grabbed my hand and held it while we watched the screen.

It took the doctor a few moments to find the baby, but once he did it was amazing. I have seen my previous babies on the monitor before, but this time was different. This time I got to share the experience with the father-to-be. Dean was even more amazed than I was. I could see tears forming in his eyes when he saw our baby. The doctor turned on the sound to the monitor and we started hearing the heartbeat. It was so beautiful seeing our baby up on the monitor together. I also started to get tears in my eyes.

Dr. Harper asked us if we wanted to know the sex of our baby. I was about to say yes, but then changed my mind. If Dean didn't care about the gender of our baby then neither did I. I told the doctor that we wanted to be surprised. After I said that Dean let out a big, "What?" I repeated myself and then said that it would be fun not knowing. Dean let out a big sigh and agreed with me.

The doctor told us that everything looked healthy for our baby, but we would have to start coming in weekly. Dean said that we would need a referral to go to another office because we weren't from around the area. The doctor wrote the referral and gave it to Dean. We were about to leave when Dr. Harper stopped us and remembered to give us the picture from the ultrasound. I took the picture from him and put it in my bag. He led us back to the front so we could figure out payment for the visit.

When we got to the front Christina was waiting for us. We were about to pay when she stopped us. She said the visit was on her since she insisted on me going. I declined and said that I didn't need her money. She could hear the anger in my voice and backed off. Once we were finished paying we walked out to her car. Dean helped me get in again and sat in the back. When he got in he put his hands on my shoulders and started squeezing them. Christina got in on the driver's side and started the engine.

We were about halfway back when Christina pulled over. I asked her what she was doing. She turned off the engine and then turned towards me. She said she was sorry for what she said back there about not being related to me. The woman that we were talking to was the town gossip and if she was told that I was her sister word would get out fast. That didn't sound like a good enough reason to me. She continued and said that she didn't want the whole town knowing yet until she discussed everything with her aunt and uncle. I asked her if this meant she believed I was her sister. She said she still needed time to adjust to the news, but when she first saw me she had this weird feeling like she knew me. She had noticed my behavior while she told the story about our parents and knew something was up. The thought had crossed her mind of me being her sister, but she didn't think it was possible for me to be alive. She freaked out when I told her who I was and thought that it had to be a dream or a sick joke. She asked me to forgive her for her actions earlier. I forgave her and then she drove the rest of the way back to her house.

When we got to her place she asked if I could stay and help her explain who I was to her aunt and uncle. I said that was fine as long as I could get something to eat. I was hungry. She asked me what I would like to have, but I wasn't sure. I told her to just make whatever she felt like having. Dean and I sat in the living room while she cooked us dinner. I took the picture of our baby out of my bag and put my head on Dean's lap. Dean asked me why I didn't want to know the sex of our baby. I told him that if he didn't care what it was than neither did I. We both stopped talking after that and just looked at the picture of our baby. After about five minutes of looking at the picture Dean admitted that he never really wanted to be a father until he met me. He continued and added that he never really wanted to be many things until he met me. I put my hand on the back of his neck and guided his face to mine so that I could kiss him. He helped me sit up so I could kiss him some more. While we were kissing I heard someone cough. I pulled away from Dean and found Christina standing in the doorway. She had finished preparing the food and had some time while it cooked. As I was moving off of Dean's lap his cell phone went off. It was my father. Dean excused himself and went out on the front porch to talk with my father.

Christina moved over to the spot Dean was occupying and asked how long we have been together. I told her that we dated for a year and a half in 2005, but then broke up for a few years. I had found out some terrible news and moved to Europe for a while. When I came back about a year ago Dean and I picked up where we left off. She commented on how cute we were and then asked if it was awkward dating an ex's brother. I admitted that at first it was weird and I kept it from Sam, but eventually it was obvious what Dean and I felt for each other and we couldn't hide it any longer. She asked if we saw Sam at all. I told her that Sam and Dean are very close and we all live together at my father's house. She said that was good and then asked how Dean got all the bruises on his face. I had completely forgotten about them. I said the first thing that came into my head. I told her that he got mugged. She was about to say something in response, but Dean came back from his conversation with my father.

I asked what my father wanted. He said he was just checking in on us and was wondering when we were coming back home. Christina asked me what my father was like. I told her that he was the best father I could ask for. He is caring, smart, loyal, sarcastic, and loving. He cares about me as if I were his real daughter. She said that was good and then I asked what it was like being raised by her aunt and uncle. She basically said the same thing I did.

We soon moved over to the kitchen to have the meal Christina prepared for us. She had made my favorite, spaghetti and meatballs. I told her this was my favorite meal. She hit me on the shoulder and said to get out because it was her favorite meal too. Dean commented on how we really were sisters. He wasn't just referencing the favorite food thing, but the hitting of the arm thing too. We started eating our food when Christina asked Dean about being mugged. Dean looked up at me confused and I made a circle around my face. He got the hint and said that if she thought he looked bad she should see the mugger. She asked what happened to him. I was afraid he was going to say he killed him so I started shaking my head towards Dean. He just said that the guy looked a lot worse than him. She was about to ask him more when I decided to whip out the picture of our baby. I handed it to her so she could see her possible niece or nephew. She took the picture and looked at it for about a minute. She congratulated Dean and I and wished us all the best.

After dinner we moved out to the living room and waited for Ed and Miranda to get home. They finally walked in the door around nine. When they saw me sitting on the couch they asked what I was doing back. Christina told them that she had something to share with them. They sat down across from us and asked what was going on. Christina started by telling them I wasn't a real reporter. Miranda and Ed just nodded and waited for Christina to continue. She continued and explained that I was actually her sister who everyone believed was dead. The expression on Miranda and Ed's faces didn't change at all. They didn't look surprised or confused. They exchanged looks and said they knew that already. Christina and I both asked when they found out. They said that they have known for a while.

Apparently they hired a detective to find me after the police report came back after the fire. The report stated that only two adult bodies were found. It took them about three years to find me. They went to my father's house and were going to take me back home when they saw how happy I was. After much debate they decided to let me live my life with my new family. They were just happy that I was alive, blissful, and healthy. They kept a close eye on me for a while, but then I disappeared and they weren't sure what happened to me. When I arrived at their house the other day they were so pleased to see me alive again.

Christina couldn't believe what she was hearing. Her aunt and uncle had kept her baby sister from her. Her rage was similar to the one I had when I thought Sam had kept her from me. She stood up and yelled at them both for keeping this secret from her. She had every right to know that I existed. I agreed with her, but at the same time I understood where Miranda and Ed were coming from. It was sort of similar to my situation with Deana. I wanted more than anything to tell her that I was her mother and take her away, but her new parents offered her something I couldn't. She was so happy with them and I couldn't take that away from her.

I would have liked to know I had living relatives, but at the same time they allowed me to have the life I have now. I have lived through some incredibly tough times, but they have molded me into the person I am today. I don't know what I would be like if Ed and Miranda raised me. I would not have my life today. As crappy as my life has been I wouldn't trade it for anyone's. I have a husband who loves and cares about me. My life would be Hell if it weren't for Dean. I can say that with complete honesty because I have been to Hell. If only Ed and Miranda knew the life I led because of their decision. They might regret it knowing that I died, went to Hell, and became a demon.

Christina just kept yelling at her aunt and uncle. She didn't understand why they did what they did. Dean looked at his watch and said it was time for us to leave. Christina wanted to know where we were going. I told her we were going back home because it was getting late. She wasn't done yelling at Miranda and Ed. Dean pulled me out the door so that Christina couldn't convince me to stay. Once we were in the car Dean asked me how I was feeling. I was fine with what I had just found out. I started explaining to him what I went through with Deana when the backdoor opened and Christina came into the car. I turned around and asked what she was doing. She said that she couldn't be around them right now and needed a place to stay to cool down. Dean left the answer entirely up to me. He wasn't going to give his opinion. I didn't know what to say to her. I knew she shouldn't come to my father's because there was a lot to explain, but at the same time I wanted to help my sister out. This would be a chance to get to know her. I turned towards Dean and told him to start driving.

Christina was surprised at how close I lived to her. When we pulled up to the house all the lights were off. I knew my father would be asleep already. Since it was so dark outside it was hard for Christina to see what my house looked like. When we got inside she noticed all the books and magazines right away. They are hard to miss since they basically cover the place. She started perusing the different books we have in our library. She commented on how weird some of them sounded. The book she grabbed was one of my father's Latin books. She flipped through the pages and then asked if I could read Latin. I nodded and told her I could read several languages. I could tell that she was thoroughly impressed. She asked where I learned to speak all my languages. I told her that my father has an obsession with foreign languages.

After looking through some of the other books she asked where Sam was. Dean and I looked at each other because neither of us knew how to answer the question. Dean finally said that he was probably asleep already for the night. She said that was cool and that she would catch him in the morning. Dean told Christina that it was time for the two of us to go to bed. I showed Christina where she could sleep for the night and then joined Dean in our room. It had been a long stressful day. I changed into my pajamas and climbed in bed with Dean. I was so exhausted that I passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Dean and I woke up around ten. I got dressed and then checked on Christina in the guest room. She wasn't in there when I checked. I realized she must've woken up already and ventured downstairs. She was probably hoping to see Sam. When I got downstairs I found her sitting at the kitchen table with a stack of pancakes in front of her. My father was at the stove making some more for himself. I walked into the kitchen and said good morning to both of them. They both said good morning back to me in unison. I wasn't sure if they had introduced themselves to each other so I asked them. My father said that he knew who she was as soon as she walked down the stairs. He wasn't born yesterday. He was smart enough to notice our similarities as sisters without me being present. I asked Christina how she slept. She admitted that she was tossing and turning a lot.

My father finished making the pancakes that were on the stove and put them on a plate in front of me. As we were eating breakfast Christina asked yet again where Sam was. Before I could even say anything my father told her that he stepped out already for the day. She asked when he would be back. My father shrugged his shoulders and said there was no way of telling. Dean came down the stairs shortly after and sat down next to me. He grabbed the fork off my plate and started eating some of my pancakes. I asked Christina what she wanted to do for the day. She said to do whatever I would normally do if she weren't here. I knew that wasn't going to happen. If she knew the truth about me she would freak out. She would probably think we are all nuts.

So far we have just been lounging around the house all day. She keeps waiting for Sam to come in so she can see him again. If only she knew where Sam really was. I really like having Christina here, but I wish I could tell her the truth. I have to hold back on what I tell her about my past. Dean says that I should just tell her the truth. If she doesn't accept it that is her problem, not mine. I'll see how I feel after a few days of getting to know her.

Apr 7, 2010

Christina has been staying with us for the past week or so. I keep asking her when she is going to go home, but she keeps saying she doesn't know because she likes it here.

We had to finally let Sam out of the panic room because she started getting suspicious. I felt that it was time to let him out anyways. I think Dean was keeping him down there because he was still pissed at him. I told Dean to go downstairs to hash things out with Sam before they came upstairs. I didn't want Christina to hear their fight. My father went with Dean to make sure that the two of them didn't end up killing each other.

While Sam and Dean fixed things between them I distracted Christina by taking her outside for some target practice. She had never shot a gun before in her life. I told her it would be fun and therapeutic to shoot some things. She didn't do too badly for her first time. She was impressed with how well I shot a gun. I told her that I have been practicing since I was about twelve.

After a few rounds of target practice Sam and Dean finally emerged from the basement. Dean came outside to see what we were up to. He saw that we were doing target practice and decided he would show off his skills. He took my gun out of my hand and told Christina to watch the real pro. He hit every can that I had set up. When he finished shooting he blew the top of the gun and said that was how it was done. He then handed the gun back to me. Christina told Dean that was impressive, but I also shot every single can that I set up.

Dean finally challenged me to a shoot off. I asked him what the prize was. He thought about it for a moment and then said the loser has to give the winner a massage. I told him he was on. He went to the Impala to get his gun out so we didn't have to keep trading guns. We had Christina point out the things she wanted us to shoot. Dean said it was ladies first. I told him then he should go first since he was the one acting like a girl lately. He rolled his eyes and then initiated a game of rock, paper, scissors. I knew he was going to throw scissors so I threw rock. Dean always throws scissors when he plays the game. Sam taught me that a while back. Since I won I got to choose who went first. I decided to take the first shot. Christina pointed at a side-view mirror on a scrap car. It was an easy shot. Dean and I both hit it with no problem. She started to pick some more difficult things to shoot, but Dean and I would hit them each time.

While we were shooting my father came outside and asked what we thought we were doing. Dean told him that we were having a shoot off. My father hit Dean on the back of the head and asked him why he was having a shoot off in his office. Dean started rubbing the back of his head and told him that we weren't shooting anything of value. My father said we could take one more shot each, but he got to pick out the target. He gave me a wink because he knew what I was capable of. He pointed out the shot and I realized it was one that I had practiced before. He had trained me from that exact spot how to shoot that target. It was this little hole on the side of the shed. You could only see it if you squint. Dean told my father it was impossible, but my father reassured him that it was not. I stepped in front of Dean and lined up the shot like I had done many times. I stood there for about ten seconds making sure that I had everything adjusted right. I finally pulled the trigger and hit the spot. Dean's jaw dropped in awe. He didn't think that shot was possible. After I had executed the shot perfectly my father gave me a high-five. Dean went up and tried to make the shot, but missed it. He knew that meant he owed me a massage.

Shortly after I won we all went back into the house. I was wondering why Sam hadn't joined us outside for the fun and games. When we got into the house Sam was sitting in the kitchen eating. I asked him why he didn't come outside and he said that he was hungry. Christina pushed me aside as soon as she saw that I was talking to Sam. She ran over to him and gave him a hug. She asked Sam where he had been for the past few days. He told her that he was really busy putting some stuff together. She playfully hit Sam on the shoulder and asked what he had been up to. Sam looked at me and mentioned how we really are sisters. I don't hit people on the shoulders that much do I? Anyways, Sam told Christina that he was helping his brother with the family business. Christina was confused and wanted to know what that meant. Sam didn't really know how to answer the question so he decided not to answer it by asking her what she was doing with her life. She told him that she was also helping with the family business.

Ever since Sam got out of the panic room Christina has been spending most of her time with him. She really likes Sam. I think Sam likes having someone to talk to about his days at Stanford. She knew some of the same people he did. They exchanged stories back and forth about where some of their friends are now. Dean is glad that Christina is here to entertain Sam from his anger at Dean.

I asked Dean how their makeup session worked. He said that Sam was still very upset with him for locking him in the panic room, but Dean is still pissed at Sam for drinking demon blood. Dean has no idea who was feeding it to him, but Sam was getting it some how. I wanted to know how Dean caught him drinking it. He explained that Sam had some in a flask so he could drink it whenever. Dean didn't know that was the case until he saw the flask sitting on the table and decided to take a swig from it. Once the liquid hit his tongue he knew he wasn't drinking any sort of alcohol or normal liquid. He poured some of it on to his hand and found that it was blood. He wasn't sure what to make of it so he asked Castiel about it. Right away Castiel knew what it was and why Sam was using it. Dean knew the only way to stop Sam was to lock him away from any demons. What Dean really wanted to know was how Sam started drinking demon blood in the first place. I told him I had no idea, but really I do. I'm the one who got him hooked, but I tried to take it away from him. I tried to convince him that he doesn't need it. I thought I got the message to him, but I was wrong. I couldn't tell Dean that it was I because I knew he would be angry with me. He wouldn't care that I tried to make him quit. I just hope that Sam is done with it all. I don't see why he would continue. We haven't heard of any other demons rising.

Dean and I were good and went to the doctor. Our baby is still healthy and growing at a normal rate. He also told us when the due date should be. I should be giving birth during the last week in June. That will be here before we know it. The doctor informed me that these next few weeks are going to be uncomfortable ones. He said I probably won't be getting much sleep and advised Dean to be careful what he says to me because I will be pretty sensitive. The doctor printed out another picture of our baby.

When we left the doctor I asked Dean where we were going to keep the baby. If we were going to continue living at my father's house we would need to convert one of the rooms into the nursery. Dean hadn't really thought about it. I reminded him that we had some real estate from Annabelle, or Bela as he calls her, in various cities. There is a beautiful condo in Queens and another one in Chicago. She also had a small house along the ocean in California. Dean thought all those options were great, but asked me if I really wanted to move away from my father. I don't want to move away from him, but at the same time I don't want to continue living in the same house as him. I think Dean and I should consider getting our own place. We won't be able to buy a house because of the background checks, but renting an apartment won't be as difficult. Apartments are so cheap around here and I am technically a millionaire even if I don't live that way. I could easily afford a two-bedroom apartment around here. Dean likes the idea and thinks we should start looking soon.

I'm hoping Christina will want to finally go back home by the end of the week. I don't mind having her here it's just getting annoying to watch what I say all the time. Dean keeps on telling me to just tell her the truth. I really do want to, but at the same time I don't want to scare her away. I just found her; I don't want to lose her just yet.

Apr 16, 2010

Christina finally went back home, but she will be back in a few days. Her last few days here were interesting. Dean and I found out why she and Sam were spending so much time together. When we came home from our last doctor's appointment we walked in on them making out. I was a little surprised, but not that surprised. They had been getting much closer and were basically attached at the hip. It was bound to happen eventually.

Dean is really glad that they have hooked up because now Sam will have someone to distract him for a while plus Sam seemed so lonely lately. Ever since I came back in the picture Dean isn't around Sam as much. Sam was just moping around the house before, but now he is much happier. Christina has been gone an entire day and Sam still seems happier. It's just weird having my sister date my brother-in-law.

On top of their new relationship I also told Christina the truth about the family business. I couldn't take keeping it a secret from her any longer. She surprisingly took the news really well. I thought she would think we were all crazy and leave, but she accepted what we do almost right away. She asked a lot of questions before she truly believed us. Once she believed what we do she thought it was really cool. At first she thought we were like the "Ghost Hunters" on TV, but we explained that it was a little more intense than that. I didn't go too much into detail about what has happened because it would've been too much for her to handle. If she knew the truth about the past few years she might really think we are crazy. Telling someone you hunt ghosts and vampires seems a little more believable than telling them you stopped the apocalypse. At some point I will probably tell her the story of my life, but right now I'm happy with her just knowing what we really do.

It has been sort of weird without Christina here. It was nice having another female around for a change. She left to finally confront her aunt and uncle. She realized that she couldn't hide from them forever. I asked her if she wanted me to come with, but she said she had to do this on her own. Dean was nice enough to let Sam take my car to drop her off since she didn't really have a way back. He didn't even ask me if Sam could take my car. I asked him why he didn't let Sam take the Impala and he said because he doesn't let anyone drive his car. I told Dean that if there is a single scratch on the car he better run. Luckily Sam brought the car back in one piece without any scratches or dents on it. When Sam pulled in after dropping off Christina I ran out as fast as I could to give it a full inspection. Sam made a comment about how it was only a car. I told Sam that it was not just a car; it was my baby. He rolled his eyes and noted on how Dean was rubbing off on me. After I looked at the car I went inside and told Dean he was one lucky SOB.

Dean and I have started looking at apartments. We found one that is a maybe, but nothing has felt like home yet. My dad doesn't understand why we want to move out. He told us we could convert on of the rooms to the nursery. The truth is I don't want to bother my father or Sam with the baby. I know that the baby will be crying a lot at night and I don't want them to lose sleep over it. Another reason is that my dad's house isn't exactly baby friendly. He's got so much crap just lying around.

We have a few more places to look at. There was one place that we sort of liked. It has two bedrooms, one bath, a kitchen, dining room, and a pretty large living room. The landlord seemed pretty nice. The rent wasn't terrible and it is only fifteen minutes from my father's place. We are going to keep looking though just incase we find something better.


	13. Year 2010 pt 2

Apr 23, 2010

I am going to spend some time over at Christina's place for the next couple of days. Dean insisted on coming with, but I told him that I wanted some time to get to know my family by myself. I told him I would call him at least twice a day so that he knows I am alive. He said that wasn't why he wanted to come with. He is going to be bored just sitting around my father's house with Sam and my father. I told him he could help my father fix up some cars. After much persuading he finally agreed to let me go to their place by myself.

I leave tomorrow and I am going to spend at least a week there. Christina is going to show me around Ellendale and take me to our childhood home. She said that she has driven past it several times, but hasn't gotten the courage to go inside. I don't remember the place, but I'm still interested in seeing what I would've called home. I can't wait to go tomorrow. I'm going to miss Dean, but I know that I have to do this on my own.

Apr 25, 2010

It has been so nice at my aunt and uncle's home. They invited me in right away like they have known me my whole life. There was a bed made up for me and everything.

Ed and Miranda told me all about my parents and showed me some more pictures of them. It was eerie looking at a picture of my mother when she was about my age because I look just like her. Ed told me about how my father was on his way to being a successful businessman and my mother had been a nurse for about a year until she had Christina. As soon as Christina was born she became a stay at home mom. She wanted nothing more than to raise her children on her own. Miranda and Ed assured me that my parents would be very proud of the woman I have become. That brought some tears to me eyes.

Today I helped them with their diner. They wouldn't let me do too much because of my pregnancy, but I got to talk to some of the customers. It is so different at their house. Everything is so normal. Miranda keeps the house pretty clean and there aren't a bunch of books and newspapers just lying around. There are family pictures all over the house of Christina growing up.

Tomorrow we are going to the house. I'm excited and a little worried. Dean told me about what happened when he and Sam went to their home. It wasn't exactly welcoming. I hope that won't be our experience. Christina is really nervous about going there. She said it was built back to how it looked before the fire.

Apr 30, 2010

I don't exactly know how to write this entry. It is going to be the hardest entry I have ever written.

The trip to my family home didn't go how I wanted it to. Christina and I showed up at the house around four in the afternoon. As it turned out the house was vacant. It looked like nobody had lived in it for years. There was dust and cobwebs all over the place. The house was a beautiful, old Victorian house. It looked like it was originally built in the 1850s and was the Queen Anne style. It had a huge wrap around porch and looked like it was about three stories high. We walked up the front steps and knocked on the door. It didn't look like anyone was home, but we knocked anyways. After standing there for a few minutes I decided to look in one of the windows, but could barely make out the interior. The curtains were drawn. I went around to the back to try to get a look inside. In the back was a window to the kitchen that I could see through. There were couches in the living room, but they both had sheets over them. I went back to the front and told Christina what I saw. She was about to leave when I pulled out my lock picking gear. She asked me what I thought I was doing. I ignored her and got to work with the lock. I had the door open in a matter of minutes. She muttered how that was a nifty trick.

We walked in and right away I could smell the dust and mold in the house. She walked past me and started looking around the house. I could tell that if the house had been cleaned it would be a really nice place to live. We walked around the main floor for a few minutes, but then we ventured upstairs. I could see the memories coming back to Christina slowly. She was getting tears in her eyes while she walked from room to room.

We eventually walked into a small bedroom that Christina said was my room. She said this was where it all happened. This was where the demon bled in my mouth and made me his queen. I was in shock by what she just said because I never told her about Azazel or the psychic kids. I turned towards her and asked how she knew about that. She got this sinister smile on her face and said she knew everything about me. Then her eyes turned black.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. There was a demon inside my sister. I started backing up from her, but walked right into Miranda and Ed. They grabbed my arms and held me so that I couldn't run away. Christina walked over towards me and said it was way too easy to get me alone. I asked her how long she has been inside my sister. Her smile grew and said that she has been inside her the entire time. She pulled out a knife from behind her back and started brushing it along my jaw line. She said I was a very wanted person. I was so scared. I didn't know what she was going to do to my baby and me. Miranda was getting anxious and asked if they could just kill me already. Christina looked into my eyes and said not yet. She had plans of torturing me first. She took my left arm and was trying to hold it, but I kept trying to pull it away from her. She slapped me across the face and grabbed my arm again and put a nice four-inch long cut into it. I wasn't going to scream. I wasn't going to give her that satisfaction. She continued cutting me in random places, but avoided my stomach. She was saving that for last. Ed and Miranda started joining in on the torture and were punching me while Christina continued cutting me.

After about an hour of torture Christina finally backed off and said it was time for the grand finale. She held up her hand and started squeezing my stomach. I couldn't hold in my screams anymore and let them out. It had only been about thirty seconds when a mysterious woman walked in and stabbed Christina in the back with my demon-killing knife. Miranda and Ed let go of me and were going after this woman. I fell to the ground because I was in a lot of pain. I continued to watch the fight between the three of them. Eventually the woman stabbed both of them to death. I couldn't believe that my family was dead. I had just gotten to know them, or I thought I had. I crawled over to their dead bodies in disbelief.

The woman grabbed my hand and told me it was time to leave. I got up and asked whom she was. In a thick, British accent she said that wasn't important. We needed to get me back so that Dean could patch me up. I pulled my hand out of hers and said that I wanted an explanation before I went anywhere. She walked over to me and said to take a wild guess as to whom she was. I looked into her eyes and realized who it was. It was Annabelle. She was back. She nodded when I made my guess and said it was time to leave. I wasn't going to leave until something was done with Ed, Miranda, and Christina. She grabbed my phone out of my pocket and called the police. After she got off the phone she asked if we could leave now. Annabelle took my keys to my car and said she would drive.

On the car ride back to my place I was in complete shock over what had just happened. My only family alive was just killed. We didn't have to kill them. We could've exorcised them instead. I kept replaying everything that happened in my head. I didn't even realize when we pulled into my house. I was just staring out the window.

Annabelle came around to the other side to help me out. I didn't realize how much pain I was in until that moment. Dean ran out of the house and asked what happened. Annabelle handed me over to him and explained that it was demons. Dean carried me into the house and Annabelle followed. My father came from the kitchen and asked whom Annabelle was. Dean wanted to know the same thing. I told them both that it was Annabelle or Bela, as they know her. Dean said that was cool and then started looking at my wounds.

After Dean was done patching me up he came to lie next to me on the bed. He put his arm around me and I put my head on his shoulder. He gave me a kiss on the forehead and asked me what happened. I thought about what to say and took a deep breath. I started with Christina revealing she was a demon. I was doing fine with telling the story until I got to the end with Annabelle. I started crying and told Dean that they were all dead. The worst part was that I didn't know what was true and what was fiction. They were possessed the entire time I knew them. I started bawling into Dean's shoulder. Dean didn't know what to say to make me feel better. There really isn't much anyone could say to make me feel better. Dean just let me cry into his shoulder and didn't say anything.

Sam knocked on the door while I was crying and sat on the other side of me. He put his hand on my leg and said he was sorry. I could see that he was crying a little too. He was falling for my sister, or whom he thought was my sister. She tricked him too. Sam thought that he was finally going to have a normal relationship. It has to be hard for him because almost every woman he has fallen for at some point has died including myself.

My father came in shortly after Sam and asked if I needed anything. I shook my head. After I declined his offer he sat down on the end of the bed behind Sam and put his hand on the lower part of my leg. He gave me his sympathies and said that if I needed anything to just let him know. None of their sympathies were making me feel any better. Sam and my father sat with us for about an hour, but eventually left because it was getting late.

Dean stayed up with me until I finally cried myself to sleep. When I woke up the next morning my eyes were so dry. Dean was already downstairs. I didn't even feel like getting out of bed. I was going to get up, but I didn't see the point. I just stared at the ceiling until Dean finally came back in. He asked me if I had any plans of getting out of bed. I told him that I didn't feel like it. He thought that was going to be the case so he made me some lunch. I wasn't hungry. He told me that I needed to eat something because our baby was probably hungry. I said I would eat it later, but not at that moment. Dean put the plate on my end table and then got into the bed with me. I put my head back on his shoulder and stared up at the ceiling. He put his hand on my stomach and then started commenting on the apartments we have been looking at. We got into a conversation about which one we liked the best.

After about a day of just lying in bed I decided to finally go back out into the world. My father was happy to see me out of my room. Everybody is avoiding talk of my family. It is like they think it makes everything better. I would rather them talk to me about it.

I can't believe they are all dead. I didn't even really know them. Who knows what Christina was really like. Sam is the only one who met the real Christina. He assured me that she was very similar to how the demon portrayed her. That still didn't make anything better. She told me stories about my parents. I don't know which ones were true and which were fiction.

Sometimes I hate this life I live. I wish I could be as naïve as the rest of the world. Why do I have to sacrifice everything? Why can't I just have a normal life? I didn't ask for this. I want to have a family.

May 5, 2010

Dean and I found our new home. This place is perfect. I think the only flaw is that it is a little further from my father's house than we originally planned. This apartment is huge. It is actually two stories. I'll try to explain this place as well as I can.

First you walk into a corridor where there is a closet to hang coats up in. You continue through the archway into the huge living room. The living room is sponge-painted a sandy color with wood floors and has a fireplace. The fireplace goes through to the dining room, which is on your right when you walk in. It is too bad that Dean and I don't have many friends because the dining room is the perfect size for a decent size dinner party. As you walk through the dining room you will soon enter the brand new kitchen. The cabinets are a maple color and the rest of the kitchen is stainless steel and black.

If you were to go left when entering the living room you would be taken to the bedrooms. The master bedroom is very spacious and has a walk-in closet. There is also a bathroom connected to the bedroom with his and hers sinks. Across the hall from the master bedroom is the room we are converting into the nursery. When you go back into the living room there is a set of spiral stairs in the far left corner that takes you to the lofted section of the apartment. There isn't much up there besides open space and another bathroom. We plan on turning that space into a library and a workstation. There is also a balcony connected to the apartment that is located just outside of the living room. The balcony is big enough for a grill and a small table.

The rent for the apartment isn't terrible, but it is a little more than what we were looking for. Dean and I tried to lower the price, but the landlord wouldn't go for it. Eventually we agreed on $850 per month including utilities and parking. We signed the lease yesterday for one year and paid for the first two months. The landlord said we could move in whenever we feel like it. Dean and I are thinking that we will move in the next few weeks. We still have to pick out furniture for the apartment. Sam and my father are going to go to the storage locker in Fargo and get the crib while Dean and I go to furniture stores looking for a couch, dining room set, and whatever else we feel is necessary for the apartment. I don't want to spend too much on the furniture because I don't want to blow all my money already. This money has to last for the rest of my life. I could sell some of the real estate property that I will never visit or I could rent it out.

I haven't seen Annabelle since she saved me from my family. She left shortly after she handed me over to Dean. I didn't really expect her to stick around. I would like an explanation to the whole inheritance thing. Why did she leave me everything if I was dead? I would also like to know how she got hold of my knife. I really don't need to hear the details on how she got out of Hell because I could just imagine how she swindled that. Annabelle is clever and manipulative. She probably conned a poor demon into letting her out.

There is one thing that I can't get out of my head that the demon possessing Christina said. They said I was wanted dead by all demons. If that is true then I'm not very safe and I'm putting other people around me in danger. I'm thinking I might need to demon proof the apartment, but I don't want it to feel dungeon like. It needs to be a normal looking apartment with a few improvements. I have a few ideas on what to do. My first idea is taking out all the windowsills and replacing them with new ones that have rock salt built into them. The next idea is making vents out of iron with a devil's trap on each one. I also want each door to be made of iron with rock salt built inside of them. There will also be a devil's trap at each exit and entrance into the apartment. I think that should work to keep the demons out of the apartment. It shouldn't be too hard to do. I can probably get all three guys to help with some of the improvements. I probably won't be able to do much because I'm getting really big and the baby is really moving around a lot. I wouldn't be surprised if I get put on bed rest soon.

May 8, 2010

Dean and I found the perfect living room set. It wasn't too bad of a price and they are going to deliver and set it up at our apartment for free. I don't really know how to explain the living room set other than they are two couches. We also bought a coffee table and a big, flat screen TV. Dean is in love with the TV. He can't wait to watch it. We also got a TV for our bedroom.

Everyone liked my idea of demon proofing the apartment. They are all working on something for the place. My father is taking care of the vents and Sam and Dean are taking care of the windowsills. My father ordered the iron doors and we are going to take care of putting the devil's traps at every exit and entrance when we officially move in. We should be able to move in soon. The sooner the better because I'm guessing that it will only be a few more weeks before I am bed ridden.

May 20, 2010

It's official I'm on bed rest. Dean and I got the news from the doctor the day before we moved into our apartment. I had to sit out while Dean, Sam, and my father moved everything in. Dean wouldn't let me carry anything. I felt so useless. I basically sat on my ass while they moved stuff in. I kept asking Dean if they needed any help, but he kept declining. Whenever he would see me out of bed he would push me back into the room.

Aside from not being able to help with the move the apartment looks pretty good. All the furniture goes perfectly with the place and Dean did a pretty good job setting up the nursery.

Dean has been great during this whole week I've been on bed rest. He keeps renting movies for us to watch. I didn't realize how behind I was on movies until this week.

One of the movies he rented sounded good until we watched it. Dean said the woman behind the counter recommended it and that it was about vampires. I was expecting a thriller or action, but it was a romance. The name of the movie was "Twilight" and apparently it is a big deal. I don't see the appeal. First off it is inaccurate. Cutting off their heads can kill vampires; in order to become a vampire you have to drink each other's blood; and vampires don't have psychic abilities. They did get the drinking blood thing right. Maybe if I didn't know the truth about vampires I might've enjoyed it more. The love story in it was pretty good, but I didn't feel the chemistry between the two characters. However, I did find Edward, the main vampire, quite attractive. I think Dean really liked it because he keeps asking me if I want to watch it again. The sequel, "New Moon," came out on DVD a few months ago, but Dean didn't get that one for us to watch, yet.

Another movie that Dean rented that was surprisingly really good was the new "Star Trek" movie. I'm not a big fan of the series, but this movie was off the charts. The actor who played Kirk is so incredibly hot. Dean doesn't understand what is so attractive about him since he seems to be beaten up the entire movie. I told Dean it was the eyes and the personality. When Dean first said he rented "Star Trek" I was a little reluctant to watch it, but I didn't have much of a choice. I'm really glad Dean rented it. Dean isn't too sure how he feels about the movie, but he didn't like it as much as he thought. I don't understand why he wouldn't like it.

The other movie that really stuck out from the bunch was "Watchmen." It is a comic book movie and was a little strange. I had never heard of the comic book before I saw the movie. Dean really liked it because there was finally a hot chick for him to look at. He was a little upset at first because they were showing a lot of penis, but soon he got his boobs. This was the one movie that we both had the same opinion on. We both liked it, but we both also thought it was weird. Dean is going to the video store later today to rent some more movies. He is trying to focus on new releases so we can be up-to-date on movies.

I have just about a month left until I have our baby. I still haven't brought myself to tell Dean about Deana's soul being in our unborn child. I don't really know how to bring it up. I know I have to tell him at some point. One of these days I will get the courage to tell him.

May 25, 2010

You will not believe what I caught Dean doing. I was getting thirsty so I decided to make my way for the kitchen to get some water. When I walked out of the bedroom into the living room I caught Dean reading "Twilight." I never thought I would see Dean read a book for fun. He didn't even acknowledge me walking into the living room because he was so engrossed in the book. I walked passed him and got my water from the kitchen.

When I came back into the living room he still didn't notice me. I finally sat down next to him and asked if he was feeling okay. He looked up from the book annoyed and wanted to know what that was supposed to mean. I commented on him reading for fun and he got offended. He told me that he reads all the time. I was fine with him reading it was more the book choice that got me. My understanding is that "Twilight" is a chick series. I mean it is a story about forbidden love. Maybe I'll give the book a chance for Dean.

Shortly after our conversation I left Dean to read on his own. He came back into the room about four hours later. I asked him how the book was going. He said he was finished and planned on getting the sequel the next day. I was surprised that he finished the book so quickly. "Twilight" is not a short book. I asked Dean if I could borrow his copy so that I could start reading it too. He took my question the wrong way and told me to stop mocking him. I was serious when I asked to borrow it. I have nothing else to really do all day. Dean finally agreed to let me borrow his copy. I have read the first hundred pages of it and I already think that it is much better than the movie. Being able to know more about what is going on inside Bella's head really makes the story more interesting. I also don't think the actress who played Bella really captured the character correctly. Bella is supposed to be strong, but the actress made her seem nervous and scared all the time. I'm starting to understand why this series is so popular.

June 3, 2010

Less than three weeks left until I have this baby. I'm so ready to have it. Dean is getting anxious, as am I. I'm so tired because of how difficult it is to sleep at night. The baby keeps moving around. The doctor said the due date should be around June 20th.

Dean is still reading the "Twilight" books. He is already on the third one in the series. I stopped reading after the first one. I just couldn't bring myself to read it anymore. Don't get me wrong, it was a good book, but I'm just too tired to read. I'm glad Dean has found something productive to do to fill the time.

Not only is Dean reading the "Twilight" books, Sam is too. Dean lent Sam the first two in the series. Sam is really enjoying the books too. He even called Dean the other day because he needed to talk about Edward leaving Bella. I feel like I live with a teenage girl. I swear all Dean ever talks about it the books. As soon as he was finished with "New Moon" he went out and bought the movie to compare. He said I had to watch it so that I understood what was going on since I didn't read the book.

"New Moon" was good, but yet again it was inaccurate. This one was mainly about werewolf lore. The main things that bothered me was that the werewolves had the ability to change whenever and they were born into the life of a werewolf. A real werewolf can only change during the full moon cycle and one has to be bitten by another werewolf to become one. Dean didn't really seem to care about these little facts. Another thing that bothered me was the bad acting by the chick that played Bella. She does not understand the character at all. From what I read Bella is supposed to be strong.

June 15, 2010

The baby came a little earlier than expected. I went into labor a few days ago and gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She is so gorgeous. Dean was great throughout the whole thing. He dealt with my screams of pain and even helped lighten the mood. My father and Sam were also there to help. Sam didn't really help because he started freaking out. He wasn't very good at keeping his cool. Whenever I would scream in pain he would get really concerned. An outsider would think that Sam was the father of the baby with the way he was acting.

We named the baby girl Samantha Victoria Winchester like we planned. Sam was honored that we named our daughter after him. I'm so happy that I finally get to have a family. We brought Samantha home the other day and she has been really good. She only cries when she truly needs something and then she goes back to being happy. Dean has been helpful and insists on coming with me to help with the baby. We'll see how long that lasts.

It's weird not being pregnant anymore. I was getting used to having a baby inside me. There is still a slight bump on my stomach, but most of the remnants are gone. Sleeping is a little better, but now I keep one ear open incase Samantha needs something.

My father and Sam have been here every day since I gave birth. Samantha really likes both of them. She really likes my dad. She reaches out to him every time he enters the room. For being only a few days old she is pretty smart. All three guys believe that Samantha looks the most like me. I can see it, but she has Dean's stunning hazel-green eyes.

July 2, 2010

Samantha is keeping me busy. She is still only crying when she needs something, but it seems like she needs something every hour. Dean is still helpful, but we came up with a system. We trade off on who helps Samantha.

On top of taking care of Samantha I've also been working on losing the baby weight. I have started jogging about three miles a day. I don't have that much to lose to get back to where I was. I probably gained about ten to fifteen pounds, and I have lost about five pounds already.

Dean was so worried that he wouldn't be a good father, but so far he has been great. Samantha smiles almost every time he enters the room. I wouldn't have guessed it, but fatherhood comes pretty easily to Dean.

July 26, 2010

Sam and my father are making Dean and I get out of the apartment tomorrow night. They want Dean and I to go out by ourselves because we haven't been away from the baby since she was born. My father made reservations for us at this really fancy Italian restaurant. We have to get dressed up and everything.

I don't know how I feel about leaving Samantha for more than an hour. I know she'll be in good hands but still. Dean is really looking forward to getting out of the apartment for a while.

Aug 1, 2010

Our night out didn't go as expected. Everything seemed to be going well until we were on our way home. Here's how it all began.

My father and Sam pushed us out the door around five o'clock. The restaurant was about twenty minutes from our place. The entire time I tried to relax but couldn't. Dean could feel my anxiety and tried to calm me down.

When we got to the restaurant Dean reminded me that I could drink now that I'm not pregnant anymore. Dean got himself a beer and I ordered a martini. The drink helped with my nerves, but I still gave my father a call part way through dinner. The restaurant was really nice and the food was amazing. I ordered the pasta a la carbonara and Dean ordered the homemade lasagna. We made sure to save room for dessert. I had never eaten tiramisu and Dean insisted we get some. I don't really have anything else to judge it on, but tiramisu is awesome.

After we finished dinner I gave my father another call to check on Samantha. He assured me that she was sleeping and for Dean and I to take our time coming home. Dean took that to heart and insisted on going to a bar afterwards. After much pleading I finally gave in. We stayed at the bar until ten o'clock. I called my father once more to tell him we were on our way home.

On our way home I started to get really tired. It was a mixture of the food, booze, and lack of sleep that made me so tired. We weren't in the car for more than five minutes when I fell to sleep. I was passed out.

When I woke up I thought that we had made it home because we weren't moving anymore. I opened my eyes to find that Dean had driven into a ditch and he was unconscious with his head resting on the steering wheel. There was also blood coming out of his nose. I started shaking Dean to get him to wake up. He started coming to, but I realized we were not alone.

Two people were walking towards us. I grabbed the gun Dean keeps in the glove compartment and kept it hidden. I wasn't sure what the people wanted. One of them, a woman in her thirties, came over to my side while the other, an older man in his forties, went to Dean's side. The woman, Susan, asked me if I was okay. I realized that they were just coming to help us and put the gun behind my back in my pants. I told her that I was fine. I was more concerned about Dean. She told me that they lived up the road and called for help. I didn't think I needed help until Susan had me look in a mirror. It turned out I had a huge gash on the side of my head. She opened up my car door and I started getting out when I felt this pain in my leg. I looked down to see another huge gash. I had punctured my leg on something and could barely stand on my leg. Susan helped me get to the road so I could sit in her car.

Meanwhile, the man, Jacob, was having a little more trouble with Dean. Dean was extremely lightheaded and kept pushing the guy away from him. Dean also kept asking where I was. Jacob would just point over to my side to reassure Dean I was safe. After Susan got me out of the car she went to help Jacob get Dean out. While they were persuading Dean to get out I decided to inform my father about what happened. I was in the middle of telling him when I lost signal. It wasn't coming back. I decided I would try later.

I put my phone back in my pocket and looked up to check on Dean. He was not being an easy person to help. I got out of the car and hopped over to the Impala. Susan noticed me coming and came over to help me. Dean was slapping Jacob's hands away from him when I motioned for him to move. He backed away and told me Dean was all mine. I went over to Dean and knelt down. I told him he needed to get out of the car so that he can be helped. Dean had a gash on his forehead, a bloody nose, and a fat lip. I put my hand on his cheek and explained to him that the couple lived up the road and were going to help us. Dean finally agreed to get out, but wanted to know what was going to happen to his car. Jacob assured him that it would be taken care of. Dean turned to get himself out, but he was too woozy. Jacob helped him to the car while Susan helped me.

They drove us to their house and took a look at our wounds. Susan gave us some water and offered us some cookies. Jacob patched up my leg, but said I would need stitches and then he inspected Dean. Dean didn't really have many injuries besides the ones on his face.

I decided to try calling my father again, but still didn't have any receptions. Dean checked his phone, but he didn't have service either. I asked Susan if we could use her phone. She asked me if I was planning on going somewhere and then her eyes turned black. Dean and I both shot up and were about to head for the door when an invisible force slammed us against the wall. Susan walked over towards me and said, "So you're the one who killed Lillith? I've gotta say I was expecting more."

Dean started yelling at her that if she so much as lays a finger on me she better start running. Of course the threat didn't scare her one bit. She just commented on how cute it was for him to stick up for me. I asked her what she wanted. She turned towards me and said she wanted vengeance. Then she put her hand out and started squeezing my insides. I started screaming in pain. Dean kept yelling at her to stop it.

After a long minute of torture she stopped and started torturing Dean. She went through the cycle once more and then pulled out a knife. She came towards me with the knife and said it was time for the real fun to begin. She took the knife and put a deep cut into my stomach. She continued to cut me a few more times on my stomach before she was pulled off of me.

Castiel put his hand to her forehead and a bright light came out of her eyes and mouth. The light stopped and she fell to the ground, as did Dean and I. Jacob came from around the corner and charged Castiel, but didn't get very far.

Dean ran over to me as soon as we were dropped from the wall. I didn't realize how bad my cuts were until I tried to get up. Dean lifted up my shirt to take a look at the cuts. He tried to make me feel better by telling me they weren't that bad. He attempted to pick me up, but he was too weak.

Castiel came over and picked me up with no trouble. He carried me to one of the bedrooms in the house. He gently placed me on the bed and asked how I was feeling. I told him I was fine and then asked him why he helped us. He said that he made a promise to protect me and angels don't break their promises. I thanked him and then my phone went off. I had reception again. It was my father asking where we were. I gave him a brief explanation of what happened, but he cut me off and said he would be there soon.

Dean came in the room shortly after that holding his side in pain. I asked him what was wrong and he said it was nothing, but he probably broke a rib. He came over to the bed and took another look at my stomach. Castiel said he would look for a first aid kit. Once Castiel was out of the room I asked Dean how we ended up in a ditch. He said a deer ran out in front of the car so he swerved around it and ended up in the ditch. I looked at him and said, "Stupid Bambi." Dean sat on the bed and let out a huge sigh. He just sat there staring out the window. About two minutes later Castiel returned with a first aid kit. Dean got off the bed and took the kit from Castiel. He took a look through it and found the supplies he needed. There was no sewing kit in it for the stitches so Dean had to just put gauze over the cuts for the time being.

While Dean was patching me up my dad had arrived. My dad came into the bedroom and pushed Dean out of the way. He had brought his own first aid kit with him. He took the gauze off that Dean had put on my stomach and inspected the cuts himself. He brought out his sewing kit and started the stitches. While he was giving me stitches Dean moved to my other side and held my hand. Halfway through the stitches my father finally asked what happened. I let Dean tell the story since I was focusing on not screaming while my father gave me stitches.

About twenty minutes later my father was finally finished. I got out of the bed, but I had forgotten about my leg. Castiel caught me before I hit the floor. He helped me get to my father's car and then left us. Before he left he said he would be watching. Dean got into the backseat and then directed my dad to the Impala.

Fortunately the Impala was still able to get us home, but the front was destroyed. My father told Dean he would fix it up for us. Dean took the offer since he can't really work on it at our apartment.

When we got home Sam was asleep in the living room with Samantha in his arms. It was a precious moment. He woke up as soon as Dean shut the door. He started opening his eyes slowly and let out a huge yawn while asking us how dinner went. Once Sam's eyes were open it took him less than a second to see out wounds. He put Samantha in her cradle and came over to us asking what happened. I was confused because I thought my father had informed Sam about what I told him on the phone. Turned out my father just told Sam that we had car trouble. Sam wanted to know everything that happened, but Dean and I were exhausted. My father told us he would watch Samantha while we slept.

Dean and I slept so peacefully that night. Not having to worry about Samantha for one night was so nice. I felt bad making my father watch her, but he insisted. I was too tired to fight him.

Now Dean is extra protective of me. He needs to know where I am at all times. He basically follows me wherever I go in the apartment. My father is also calling non-stop to check on us. Dean is fine with him calling because then he gets a report on his beloved car. The Impala should be back in about a week. Hopefully Dean will be better with me by then or else I might go crazy.

Aug 16, 2010

Samantha is driving us crazy. Her sleep schedule is so messed up. She'll sleep for several hours and then wake up crying for something and then go right back to sleep. Dean and I are exhausted because we haven't been able to sleep for more than three hours at a time. The doctor said this should only last for a few months. I have a feeling these next few months are going to drag.

On another note, the Impala is back. My father fixed it up perfectly. You would never think anything happened to it. Dean is so happy it is back. He had to take it out for a drive as soon as he got it back.

Dean and I have been married for a year as of yesterday. I made us a nice dinner and then I wanted to go to the bedroom to celebrate, but Dean wouldn't join me. I just got my stitches out about a week ago and he is afraid the cuts will open up. I told him that it shouldn't be a problem if he was gentle with me. He didn't want to take any risks and promised me that in two more weeks we could go back to our normal sex life.

Aug 28, 2010

My father and Sam left to go on a hunt. I knew they would leave to go on one eventually. They didn't go very far. My father said he would be calling us every night to check on all of us. They left early this morning and already called to tell us that they got to the motel safely.

We have a new neighbor next door. Her name is Katie and she is about my age. She came over about a week ago to introduce herself. She is really nice. We invited her in and we got to know a little about her. She recently graduated from Concordia College with a degree in marketing. She got a job nearby and moved into the apartment complex. Dean and I told her a little about us and then she met Samantha. Samantha was very good while Katie held her. She didn't cry the entire time. Katie can't believe that Samantha is only two months old. She thinks she seems much older than that.

Katie has come over a few times since she introduced herself to us. Dean and I really like having someone else to talk to besides each other. Dean thinks that we should introduce Katie to Sam. He is hoping that Sam will like her and possibly get a relationship going. Dean doesn't want to see Sam alone anymore. I agree with Dean and I think that Katie and Sam would get along. We just need to wait until Sam gets back from his hunt with my father.

Sept 4, 2010

Katie and Sam have met and they get along really well. Dean and I invited them over for some dinner and introduced the two. Right away they got along. I knew they would because Sam usually gets along with anyone and Katie is a very outgoing person. I was trying not to make it obvious that we were trying to set them up, but Dean ruined it. He was so obvious. Sam kept giving Dean the "cut-it-out" look.

Katie left shortly after dinner because she had an early day at the office the next day. As soon as she was out the door Sam asked us why we were trying to set him up. Dean was about to talk, but I cut him off. I knew Dean was going to say something stupid. I told Sam that we just thought he would get along with Katie. She seemed like his type. Sam agreed that she was a really nice person and he might consider getting to know her better. Dean hit Sam on the shoulder and said that was his boy. I hope Sam really does pursue her because I really like her and so does Dean and Samantha. It would be good to see Sam in a relationship again. His last one didn't really end well. I really hope he hasn't given up on finding love.

Sept 20, 2010

Samantha is starting to babble. It is so cute. Dean was so freaked out the first time she started babbling because she hadn't really made a noise besides when she cried. Now he is fascinated by her babbles. He pretends like he is having a conversation with her while she babbles. Dean really gets a kick out of it. He also loves playing peek-a-boo with her. Her giggles are like music to my ears.

Sam has been over a lot more lately so that he can talk with Katie. They are getting along great. Dean is really happy to see that Sam has someone else to talk to again. I don't think they are romantically involved just yet, but maybe some day soon. I think Sam is just taking it slow. He wants to get to know her as a person before he starts anything else with her.

Sept 27, 2010

Yesterday Katie and I went to the store to do our weekly shopping. I was getting milk when someone taped me on the shoulder and asked if I could help them with something. I turned around to see who the person was, but got a fist in the face instead. I ran into the milk refrigerator door because of the force of the punch. I looked up quickly and saw the jet black eyes. The demon grabbed me by the throat, slammed me into the refrigerator door, and said it was time to die. I couldn't scream for help because I couldn't breathe. I didn't even know how anyone could help me. The demon could easily stop them. I decided to try calling Dean as quickly as I could. I didn't know how much longer I had because the demon wouldn't loosen his grip on my throat. I put my hand in my pocket, slid my phone open, and used my speed dial to call him. I wasn't sure if it was calling, but I took my hand out of my pocket.

After about a minute of being strangled someone finally came to the milk aisle, but the demon knocked him unconscious right away. I knew I had to buy time until Dean got there to help me, if he picked up his phone. I wasn't going to get his hand off my throat so I decided to do the best thing I could to fight back. I knew it wasn't going to be pleasant, but it sure was going to beat being dead. I put my sleeve over my hand and slammed it into the glass door. I used all my strength on it and after the third hit it finally cracked. I fell out of the demon's grip and hit my head on the bottom of the refrigerator.

The demon wasn't too happy that I was out of his grip. He picked me up and threw me across the aisle. Luckily at the end of the aisle was a display of toilet paper. I landed right on top of it, but before I could get too comfortable the demon picked me up again and threw me into some shelves. I was really hoping that Dean had picked up his phone. I started fighting back, but it felt pointless. I was trying to lead him to the aisle with salt so I could get him with it. I was one aisle away when he picked me up and threw me the other direction. It had been ten minutes since I had called Dean. I got up and ran as fast as I could away from the demon. While I was running I checked my phone to make sure that I called him. I called him again and he picked up the phone frantic. I told him what was going on and he assured me that he was close. I told him to hurry and then hung up.

After I hung up with him I saw Katie. I was wondering what happened to her. She was face down on the floor. I checked to make sure she was still alive. I was relieved when I saw she was breathing. The demon appeared on the other side of her body and picked me up by my throat again. I kicked him in the kneecap and he dropped me to the floor. I tried to get up, but he was too fast. He sat on top of me and started punching me. With every punch my head would hit the linoleum floor below me. I tried to fight him back, but he pinned my hands down with his knees. He dug his knees into my hands. After a few more punches to the face he finally went back to strangling me. He was strangling me for a good minute or so when I thought to myself that this must be the end. All I could think about was Samantha and how she would have to grow up without knowing her mother. I was starting to black out when I heard a gun shot. I felt the pressure around my neck go away and I could breathe again. It was Dean he had finally made it to the store.

Dean ran over to me to make sure I was okay. I just lay on the floor trying to catch my breath. Dean apologized for taking so long to get there. I couldn't really say anything back because I was so out of breath. After about a minute of catching my breath I finally sat up. Dean helped me get to my feet. I could walk but barely. Dean kept his arm around my waist so I could use him as support. He was leading me towards the car when I stopped him and told him we had to go get Katie. He asked me where she was and I told him which aisle she was down. He brought me to the car and then went back to get her. He put her in the backseat and then got in the car. As we were driving back I asked him who was watching Samantha. He said that Sam was over when I called and he said he would watch her. Dean gave Sam a call when we were close so he could help bring us up.

When we got to the apartment Sam was waiting for us. He opened the backdoor and picked Katie up. Dean told him to put her on the couch in our apartment. Dean then came around to my side and helped me get to our apartment. When we walked through the door I finally got a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I looked terrible. There was dried blood coming from both my nostrils and my eyes were already bruising. Dean had me sit on the couch while he got the ice packs and first aid kit.

While Dean was getting his supplies Sam asked me what happened. I told him that it was pretty simple what happened. A demon tracked me in the grocery store and tried to kill me. Dean came back with the ice packs and first aid kit. First he cleaned up the blood on my face. He then had me lay back so he could have the ice pack on the back of my head and on both eyes. He asked me if there was anywhere else that needed attention. My entire body was basically in pain, but I didn't tell him that. Instead I told Dean that everything else was fine and then thanked him for saving my life. He said that he should have been there sooner. I started to disagree when Samantha started crying. I sat up, but Sam told me to lie back down. I did as Sam said and soon I passed out.

When I woke up the next morning I was moved to the bedroom. I was in so much pain I could barely move. I could hear Sam and Dean talking in the living room. I decided to make my way there to join in on the conversation. I slowly got out of bed and went into the bathroom first. I looked at myself in the mirror and did not like what I saw. Both my eyes were bruised and I didn't see it before, but my lip was cut up. I decided to check the rest of my body for cuts and bruises. I had injuries basically everywhere on my body. Luckily I didn't need any stitches and I didn't break anything. After inspecting my body I made my way to the living room. I tried to move as quickly as possible so that Dean wouldn't think I was still hurt. I hate it when he asks me twenty questions about how I'm feeling.

As soon as Dean saw me coming out to the living room he asked how I was feeling. I said I was in pain, but I would live. I sat down next to Dean and asked where Katie went. Sam said she woke up a few hours ago and asked what happened. He told her that she slipped on some spilt juice at the store and passed out. She believed him and then went back to her apartment to sleep some more.

Dean started going into how I needed to be protected because now demons were attacking me near home. I cut him off and told him that I didn't feel like talking about it. I knew what it meant, but I didn't feel like hearing it out loud. I hated what this meant. I wasn't safe outside of my own home. No matter where I go a demon will most likely be there waiting for me. Dean agreed to stop talking about it for the time being, but we would have to go into it eventually. He scooted over to me and said he couldn't imagine his life without me. Then he put his arm around me and I leaned into him. Sam asked me if I wanted anything to eat or drink. I told him I could use some water and maybe some breakfast. He got up and started going to kitchen. I tried to get up to follow him so I could help him get my stuff for me, but Dean told me that Sam would get it.

While Sam was getting my breakfast Samantha started crying. I was about to get up to help her when Dean told me to sit down. He said he would take care of her. I felt completely helpless. I decided to turn on the TV while I waited for Sam or Dean to come back. As I was watching TV the buzzer went off. Both Sam and Dean were busy so I decided to answer it. I knew who it was. It was my father. I buzzed him in, opened the door, and sat back down on the couch. Two minutes later my dad walked through the door. He was looking through my mail and finally looked up to greet me. Before he said anything his mouth flew open. He ran over to me and asked what happened. I had no idea that Sam and Dean didn't tell my dad about the demon attack. I gave him the run down and he asked why he wasn't informed. He was angry and I didn't blame him. I shrugged my shoulders and told him to take it up with Sam and Dean. He said he would and then sat down next to me waiting for them.

Soon Dean came out of Samantha's room holding her. He asked my dad if he wanted to see his granddaughter. Dean was hoping to get out of his talking to by my dad with Samantha. My dad took Samantha out of Dean's arms, but didn't forget about Dean. He started asking Dean why he didn't tell him about my encounter with a demon. My dad kept his tone friendly so that Samantha wouldn't get upset. Dean explained that he had every intention of calling, but got distracted with helping me. My father didn't really care what Dean's excuse was. He told Dean that if anything ever happens to me again and he isn't around to call him right away.

Shortly after Dean made his promise to my father Sam finally emerged from the kitchen with my breakfast. He had made me some eggs and coffee. After I finished eating my father handed me Samantha. She got so happy when he handed her to me. I gave her a kiss on the forehead and she smiled at me. She soon fell asleep in my arms. Dean soon took her out of my arms and moved her to her cradle.

It has been two days since the demon attacked me and I'm still in a lot of pain. I guess the pain has to get worse before it gets better. Katie stopped by the other day and wanted to know what happened. She thought for a moment that Dean had beat me up. I decided to go with the mugging story. She bought it and asked if I needed anything. I told her I was fine and then she moved on. I liked that she didn't dwell too much on my injuries.

I haven't really left the apartment since the attack. I'm afraid of what is going to happen to me. I'm so angry that I can't leave my home without being attacked by demons. We need to come up with a plan to put a stop to the demons. There has to be a way to stop them besides killing me. I'm sick and tired of hiding in my home.

Oct 6, 2010

Castiel has created a very powerful hexbag for me to keep the demons away. Dean and I tested it out the other day by going on a walk with Samantha. Castiel said he would watch over to make sure that it worked. It worked perfectly. No demons are able to track me because of the hexbag. Castiel has no clue how long the demons are going to keep this grudge on me. I'm thinking that it will take a long time for them to get over it. I stopped Lucifer from rising. They are going to be angry for a while.

I'm happy that I can leave the house again. I'm still prepared incase the hexbag stops working. Dean still comes with me everywhere. I can't even go to Katie's apartment by myself, which is across the hall. I guess it has been only about a week since the grocery store incident. The bruises on my face and body are going away, but they are still visible.

In other news, Katie and Sam are officially dating. Sam finally broke the news to Dean and I the other day. We are so happy for them. I really hope this relationship works out for Sam. He deserves to have a normal, happy relationship. They really are cute together.

Oct 20, 2010

Samantha is getting a little harder to watch these days because she is starting to scoot and roll around the apartment. We used to be able to put her on her stomach and leave her there to play with her toys, but now she scoots around to get closer to either Dean or I. She is really growing up fast. She is starting to recognize her own name and she plays the dropping game. Dean will be holding her and she will have a toy in her hand and she will intentionally drop it. Dean always picks up the toy and hands it back to her just so she can drop it again. If Dean doesn't pick it up Samantha will start crying. It is quite amusing to watch.

Dean wants to take Samantha out Trick or Treating for Halloween. He thinks that it would be a lot of fun. I agree with him, but I think the real reason he wants to go is for the free candy. I made the mistake of asking him who we should be. He came up with the great idea of us being the Cullens from those "Twilight" books. He said I should be Bella and he would be Edward. I wasn't sure how we were going to dress up like them for Halloween. They didn't really wear any distinct clothing. I suggested that we go as the ThunderCats and Dean liked the idea. Dean is going to be Lion-o, Samantha is going to be WilyKit, and I am going to be Cheetara. We're going to try to convince Sam to come along. I think Sam would make a good Tygra. We are going to the costume shop tomorrow to see what we can find.

Nov 3, 2010

Halloween went really well. Our costumes came together perfectly. We got a lot of candy and Dean has already eaten a lot of it.

Sam didn't end up coming with us because Katie invited him to a costume party that one of her friends from work was throwing. He had a lot of fun. They seem to be hitting it off really well. I'm happy for them. Katie wants to introduce Sam to her parents, but she doesn't know if it is too soon. I told her to wait a few more weeks and then go for it.

In other news I finally told Dean about Deana's soul being in Samantha. I don't even know how I brought it up, but when it came out of my mouth I couldn't take it back. Dean wanted to know why I kept it from him all this time. I wasn't sure what to say. I just told him that I forgot. He was angry at first, but he eventually dropped it. I'm glad he finally knows. I don't have to watch what I say all the time now.

Nov 10, 2010

I'm getting a little tired of Katie. When she isn't working she is always over at our apartment. She only seems to work about three days a week for like four hours each day. Even when Sam is over she stays at our place. It is sort of annoying because Dean and I like to have our alone time. I've tried to kick her out as nicely as I can and she just doesn't get it sometimes. I have to literally push her out the door when Dean and I want to go to bed. When she isn't at the apartment she is texting or calling me. I really like having a friend that isn't family or a male, but she is just way too clingy. She isn't this clingy with Sam. She barely ever calls him when they aren't together. I believe she still likes him because she still wants him to meet her parents. They will be in town for Thanksgiving. I told her she should have him over for Thanksgiving with her parents. She likes that idea, but is too nervous to ask Sam. She better do it soon.

Nov 13, 2010

Katie finally invited Sam to her place for Thanksgiving. He gladly accepted. She asked me what my plans were for Thanksgiving. I told her that my father was having dinner at his place with Dean, Samantha, and myself. She said that if we wanted to stop by before or after we were more than welcome to. She wants us to meet her parents too. It would be nice to meet them. Maybe we will stop by after.

Katie is still hanging out at our place all the time. She just comes over when ever. I guess I've never really expressed to her that Dean and I would like some alone time. Samantha seems to really like her.

Speaking of Samantha she is getting really big. I can't believe how big she gets every day. Life is getting a little easier with her now that she is older. She finally has a normal sleeping schedule. Dean and I have now gone an entire week with uninterrupted sleep. This is the most well rested we have been in a long time.

I can't really complain about life right now. Things are finally good. That really worries me. It seems like whenever things are starting to go good something bad happens. I still have demons looking for me. Once they figure out I have a hexbag blocking them things won't be so good. Castiel is still watching to make sure there are none catching my scent. He said that as soon as something is up he would warn us. So far, so good.

Nov 23, 2010

So much for dinner with my father. He has been called out on a hunt. He apologized numerous times, but it is fine. Katie said we were more than welcome come to her apartment for dinner. I figured I might as well since we have nothing better to do. It might be nice going to her apartment for a change. I think I have only been there once since I have known her. It is basically like our apartment, but a little smaller. She doesn't need as much room as we do. The nice thing about having Thanksgiving at her place is that if Samantha needs anything that we have at the apartment it will be just across the hall. I asked Katie if she wanted me to make anything, but she told me that wasn't necessary. She said that she and her mother are taking care of everything. She wants us to come over around three.

I think Sam is happy that we are coming with him. Well, maybe more that I am coming. He is worried that Dean will embarrass him. I promised him that I would keep Dean in line. Sam is nervous about meeting her parents. I don't really know what the feels like. I already knew Sam and Dean's dad before I started dating either one of them. I never really met Nate's family. Sam doesn't have anything to worry about he is a parents' wet dream.

Nov 26, 2010

Thanksgiving was interesting as usual. We all arrived at Katie's place on time and started having some appetizers. After about ten minutes of being there I wondered where Katie's parents were. I asked her what happened to them and she said they were running late. I didn't really think much about that until it was time for dinner and they still weren't there. Katie had prepared a feast for us and told us all to dig in. Sam and Dean were scarfing down their food, but I hadn't touched it yet because I noticed Katie wasn't eating any of the food. I thought something was up so I decided to use Samantha to step out for a moment. I told everyone that I needed to change Samantha's diaper. Katie said I could use her bathroom to change her, but I said it would be more comfortable using the changing table in our apartment.

I picked up Samantha and started heading towards the door when Katie cut me off. She basically forced me to use her bathroom to change Samantha. Samantha didn't really need a diaper change, but I needed an excuse to not eat the food. I was really concerned about the way Katie was acting.

I sat in the bathroom for a few minutes just playing with Samantha. I was using a washcloth to keep her amused. After a while I got bored and decided to take a look at what toiletries Katie used. I noticed that she had the exact same shampoo, conditioner, body wash, toothpaste, and face wash as me. When I say the exact same I don't just mean brand. I use the shampoo and conditioners for brunettes and so does Katie. This seems like a coincidence, but I don't think it is. Katie is a blond, not a brunette. Why would she use shampoo made for brunettes if she is a blond? This really got me curious. I had to check out the rest of her place to see if there were other similarities. I decided to use Samantha again to my advantage. I made it look like she peed on me while I was changing her diaper.

I came out of the bathroom and handed Samantha to Dean. I asked Katie if I could borrow a set of clothes because of the little accident. She directed me to the bedroom and showed me where clothes were. She picked out a shirt and jeans for me. She left the room to let me change on my own. I knew I didn't have a lot of time to snoop. I looked quickly through her drawers, but I knew that wasn't where I should be looking. I opened her closet, turned on the light, and pushed the clothes apart so I could see the back wall. That was when I found what I was looking for. It was basically a shrine to me. There were pictures of me all over it. When there were other people with me she had placed Xs over their faces. She also had a list of my likes and dislikes. There were pieces of my trash stapled to the wall and she had strands of my hair in a plastic bag that was also stapled to the wall. It was disturbing. I took a picture of it with my phone and texted Dean to meet me in the kitchen. I hurried up and changed into her clothes and went back out like nothing had happened.

When I got out everybody had moved to the living room. Dean was on one couch with Samantha while Sam and Katie were on the other one. Katie asked me if I wanted something to eat since I didn't get to eat dinner. I told her I could get some on my own. Dean must not have gotten my text because he stayed on the couch while I went into the kitchen. I stayed in the kitchen for a few minutes waiting for Dean to get the text, but realized he just wasn't going to check his phone.

I put some food on a plate and went back to the living room. Samantha was asleep in Dean's arms and it looked like Dean was about to fall to sleep himself. I thought maybe Katie had drugged him, but Sam was still awake. I sat down next to Dean and asked what they were talking about while I was gone. Dean said they were just talking about the first time we all had met. By we all he meant, Sam, him, and myself. I had forgotten that it had been ten years since we were all officially introduced to one another. I joined in on the story, but still didn't eat any of the food with fear that Katie had drugged it. She noticed me not eating and asked if I was feeling okay. I told her that I just wasn't hungry. She said that was too bad and then ripped off a piece of turkey to eat. That was when I calmed down about her trying to drug me.

Eventually I finished the food on my plate. Dean was falling asleep on the couch next to me and I told Katie that we should probably get going because we weren't very entertaining. She insisted that we stay for just a bit longer. I told her that it was way past Samantha's bedtime and we just got her on a normal sleeping schedule. Katie didn't want us to leave yet. She said she made dessert for us to eat, but wanted to wait for our food to settle.

Dean's ears perked up and he asked what was for dessert. She said she made this special pumpkin banana mousse tart thingy. That was when Sam and Dean started talking about my hatred towards bananas again. Katie didn't know that I hated bananas and started apologizing right away for making it. I told her that it was fine and that I wasn't really hungry for dessert. She started freaking out and telling me over and over that she was sorry. She even started crying. I kept telling her that it was okay, but she wouldn't listen to me. She started heading towards the kitchen. We all followed her because we were worried about what she was going to do. She took the dessert out of the refrigerator and was about to throw it out. Samantha of course started crying because of all the noise and commotion. I told Dean to stay in the living room while Sam and I took care of Katie. Sam had grabbed the dessert out of Katie's hands and put it on the counter. He tried to give her a comforting hug so she would calm down, but it wasn't helping. I hurried up and grabbed a fork so I could try the dessert. Katie kept saying that she just wanted to make me a perfect Thanksgiving meal. I took a quick bite of the dessert and actually really liked it. I told Katie that the tart was amazing and would really like a piece. Her emotion changed so quickly. Once she heard that I liked it she became very happy.

Things were pretty awkward from then on. We tried to make it as comfortable as possible, but that wasn't going to work. Sam sat sort of far from Katie and the conversation was pretty light. Eventually we finally called it a night. Katie let us go this time and apologized for her outburst.

When we got back to the apartment Dean put Samantha in her crib and then came back out to talk about Katie's outburst. He thought that it was sort of funny how crazy she got over making something I wouldn't like. I just sat down on the couch because I didn't really know what to say. Katie really scared me with the way she acted because she made something with bananas. I also kept thinking back to the shrine I found in her closet. Dean noticed that I wasn't laughing and that I looked nervous. He sat down next to me, started rubbing my back, and asked what was wrong. I told him that I didn't want Katie over at our place anymore. He got confused and asked why that was. I started off by telling him about her having the same toiletries as I do. He said that was just coincidence. I made the comment about the different hair colors, but he didn't see the point. I knew that I had to show him the picture I took on my phone of her closet. Once he saw the picture he knew that this was serious. He pulled me into him, gave me a kiss on the forehead, and then said that Katie won't get near me again. Shortly after that we went to bed.

The next morning Katie knocked on our door to see if she could come in. We pretended like we weren't home. After a few minutes of knocking she finally went back to her place, but once she was inside she texted me. She asked me where I was. I didn't respond. She came back over at around noon to see if we were home again. We kept ignoring her all day. Eventually Sam called asking us where we were. Dean didn't want to lie to Sam, but he knew it was for the best. Katie called and texted me for the rest of the day asking me where I was. We have successfully avoided Katie for the past few days.

I decided to do a background check on Katie to see what I could find out about her past. I put Katie Raimcy into the computer and didn't really like what I found. Katie Raimcy does exist, but she is not the person who lives across the hall. The real Katie Raimcy lives in Connecticut and is married with two children. I showed this information to Dean who immediately told Sam about it. Sam however wouldn't listen to a single word Dean and I had to say. I was going to send him the pictures of her closet, but they some how got deleted from my phone.

Nov 30, 2010

Katie will not leave us alone she keeps knocking on the door and leaving me messages. Sam also won't talk to us because he thinks we are being cruel to Katie. I told him to check her closet, but he said there was nothing there. I also told him to check the type of shampoo she uses. He said that she was using anti-dandruff shampoo. None of what I found at Thanksgiving was adding up, but I knew the background report I found on her was true. Sam didn't think that proved anything. I don't really care what Sam has to say I know what I saw. Dean saw the pictures I took also.

Dec 14, 2010

I hate my life. I don't know what I did to deserve this life, but I must have been a terrible person in a past life. The past two weeks have not been very good.

The first thing that started off the nightmare was when I figured out who Katie really was. It came to me while I was sleeping. Some how while I was sleeping I figured out the Katie's name was an anagram. When you rearrange the letters of Katie's name you get "I am Tracy Kei." I don't know how I didn't recognize her as Tracy, the coworker who held me hostage about five years ago. She had a lot of work done to make herself look really different. At first Dean thought I was just taking this a little too far, but once he thought about it everything made sense. He called Sam to tell him what I figured out, but Sam didn't believe us. Katie really did a good job of convincing Sam that she was innocent. My father believed everything that we told him and tried to help us convince Sam. He wasn't happy with Sam's behavior, but he wasn't going to kick Sam out of his place because then Sam would stay at Katie's all the time.

Things got worse from there. Sam must've told Katie, or Tracy, about whom we thought she was and she went crazy. First Dean started getting threatening notes from her and then she went after his car. She keyed into the side "Sophie's mine," and "Time to die." On top of that she slashed his tires and smashed in the windows. I thought this would convince Sam, but I was wrong. He said that it must be demons because they want me dead. I apologized to Dean about everything Katie had done to his car and the stress she put him through. Dean wouldn't accept my apologies, but he was getting very angry with both Katie and Sam. My father said he would take care of the damage to the Impala, but insisted that we come stay at his house for the time being. Dean agreed with him and we planned on leaving the next day.

The night before we were going to leave we got a surprise visit from Katie. Dean and I were both asleep when I felt him moving next to me. This woke me up because he wouldn't stop moving. I started opening my eyes when I saw someone standing over me. They put their hand over my mouth and that was when I smelled the chloroform.

When I woke up I was tied to one of our dining room chairs in our living room. Dean was tied to a chair in front of me. We both had a gag over our mouths. Katie was sitting on the couch with Samantha in her arms. She looked up and saw that I was awake. She smiled, put Samantha down by her toys, and greeted me. She said that it was so good to see me awake. She was acting so normal that it was creepy. I had a flashback to the last time this happened. She walked over towards me and kneeled down so she could put her hands in my lap. She could see the fear in my eyes. Katie put her hand on my cheek and told me not to worry because she wasn't going to hurt me. She said that she could never hurt me. She gave me a kiss on the forehead and then got up and walked towards Dean.

She told Dean that he wasn't going to be as lucky. Apparently he was getting in the way of Katie and I being together. She said that he had two options either leave willingly or be killed. She promised him that it would be a slow, painful death. I knew Dean wouldn't pick the first option. Katie took the fire poker and placed it into the fire. She told Dean that the offer to leave still stands. She let the poker sit in the fire for a while so that it could get very hot. I knew what her intentions were with it. I looked over at Samantha and saw her sitting and staring at the three of us. I didn't want her to see any of this. I know she won't remember any of it, but I still didn't want her to witness her parents getting tortured. I started coughing to get Katie's attention. She finally looked over at me and asked what I wanted. I turned my head towards Samantha and then looked back at Katie. Katie got the hint and then moved Samantha into her room.

While Katie was in Samantha's room I tried to get out of the chair, but it wouldn't work. She had tied my feet to the chair also. When Katie came back she went for the fire poker and asked Dean yet again if he didn't want to take the first offer. He shook his head. At first I thought she was just going to put it on his arm with his shirt, but she lifted up his shirt and placed it on his bare skin. She held it there for a good minute. He screamed in pain the entire time. After Katie was finished burning Dean's skin she put the poker back in the fire.

She came over to me, straddled me, brushed my hair out of my face, and then asked me if I was hungry. I shook my head because I didn't want anything she was making. She didn't really care what I had to say because she was going to feed me. She went into the kitchen and started making me some food. While she was in the kitchen making me some food I tried again to get out of the chair. Dean also tried, but he was in a lot of pain from the burn. I rocked myself so that I was on my feet. I walked over to the wall and slammed the chair into it. I got my left hand free and started untying the rest of myself, but Katie had heard me. I had only gotten my hands free when she came back into the living room. She came at me asking what I thought I was doing. I tried to keep her away from me, but I was at a disadvantage because my feet weren't freed yet. I thought I was doing pretty well at keeping her away, but she grabbed the fire poker and hit me numerous times with it. She finally hit me over the back of the head and knocked me out.

When I woke up this time I was all alone in my bedroom. I thought maybe it was all a dream, but then I felt the chains around my wrists. I didn't have a gag in my mouth this time and started shouting as loud as I could. Katie came running into the room asking me what was wrong. I asked her where she wanted me to start. She came over and sat on the bed next to me. She apologized for everything and said it was the only way for us to be together. I told her that I never wanted to be with her. I was in love with Dean and didn't want to be with anyone else. She caressed my face and said that once Dean was out of the picture things would be different. I shouted at her not to touch me. This just made her angry. She grabbed my face, gave me a rough kiss, and then told me to stop being so difficult. After that she left to go back out to the living room. For the next three hours I sat in the bedroom listening to Dean scream in pain every fifteen minutes. I had no clue what she was doing to him. I knew that my dad had to be coming soon to pick us up. I checked the time and saw that it was almost six in the morning.

After three hours of listening to Dean scream in pain I couldn't take it any more. I remembered that there was a certain someone I could contact without a phone. I started calling in my head for Castiel. I shouted in my head for Castiel for a good hour. I was in tears because he wasn't showing up and Dean's screams were getting worse. Not only was I worried about Dean, but also I didn't know what was going on with Samantha. Was Katie taking care of her? I couldn't keep my screams for Castiel in my head any more. I started saying his name out loud but quietly. He still wasn't responding to my cries. I wanted to know what she was doing to Dean, but I didn't at the same time.

I got very concerned when I hadn't heard Dean scream in about half an hour. I started really pulling at the chains keeping me on the bed. I stopped moving around when I heard something outside the window next to the bed. I couldn't see if someone was on the other side because the blinds were drawn. About thirty seconds later I heard the window open. Once I saw the feet coming through the window I knew whom it was. Sam was coming to save us. He got through the window with no problem and then came over to me to make sure I was okay. I quietly told him I was fine and then told him to go save Dean. He apologized for not believing us, gave me a kiss on the forehead, and then started heading towards the door. He pulled out his gun and then opened the door.

I sat in the room listening to him fight Katie. I heard the gun go off, but I didn't know who got shot. After the gun went off I didn't hear anything. I didn't like the silence. I started pulling as hard as I could on the chains. I heard another gunshot go off and that gave me the strength to pull the chains off the bed. I sprang out of bed and ran out to the living room. Sam was standing over Katie with the gun still pointed at her. I looked a little past him and saw Dean for the first time since I had been locked in the bedroom. He was barely conscious and was very bloody. I had no clue what she had done to him, but it was bad. Sam called 911 while I untied Dean. As soon as I had Dean's hands untied he started falling towards me. Sam caught him in time and fixed him so he could sit on the chair comfortably. I told Dean to hold on because help was coming.

Ten minutes later the paramedics were there. They put Dean on a stretcher and put him in the back of the ambulance. They wouldn't let me go in with him so I followed behind with Samantha and Sam. The entire car ride to the hospital Sam kept apologizing. He kept saying that this was his entire fault because he wouldn't believe us. I didn't want to hear his apologies anymore because it didn't change anything. I eventually yelled at him to shut up. I didn't really care whose fault it was because either way Dean was on his way to the hospital. Sam did as I asked and stopped talking. As we were driving to the hospital I remembered that my father was going to be picking us up in an hour. I asked Sam if he would give him a call and tell him to meet us at the hospital instead. My father wanted to know what happened, but Sam just told him that we would explain when he got to the hospital.

Once we got to the hospital I had to fill out a crap ton of paperwork. I was getting frustrated because all I wanted to know was if Dean was okay, but the nurses wouldn't tell me anything. They just kept telling me to fill out the paperwork. I couldn't focus on the questions. Sam eventually took the forms and filled them out for me. It took him about five minutes to get them filled out. When he finished I brought them to the nurses and asked them if I could finally see my husband. They told me to wait while they checked the forms. I was freaking out because I wanted to know what was going on with Dean. I wondered if this was what it was like for him when I had gotten injured in the past.

While we were waiting for the nurses to let us in my father finally arrived. He saw us waiting by the nurses' station and came over to give me a hug. He was relieved that I wasn't the one in hospital for once. I told him that the nurses weren't letting us in to see Dean. He went over to one of the nurses and started talking to them about something. About a minute later the nurse let us in to see Dean. I don't know what my father said to her, but it worked. I grabbed Samantha and went to the room Dean was staying in. She told us to take a seat and the doctor would be in soon to tell us what was going on.

Dean looked better because the blood was cleaned up, but he still looked like he was in a lot of pain. He wasn't awake when we came into the room. I pulled one of the chairs up so I could sit next to Dean. I put his hand in mine. My father asked what happened. I simply told him that Katie did it. I was about to ask Sam how he knew we were in trouble when the doctor walked in. The doctor told us that Dean was beaten pretty badly, but should be able to pull through. He had several broken ribs, burns all over his body, and several cuts that needed stitches. He said that Dean had lost a lot of blood, but should recover after some rest. The doctor wanted to keep Dean at the hospital for a few days so he could keep an eye on him. I was thankful that Dean was going to make it through. The doctor was about to leave when he said that the police would be there soon to get a statement from Sam and I.

Once the doctor was out of the room I asked Sam how he knew we were in trouble. He looked at me confused and said that he got my text message. I asked him what text he was talking about. I never texted him. He pulled out his phone and showed me a text that was sent from my phone around seven in the morning. It said, "S.O.S. come through bedroom window." I was dumbfounded because it really was from my phone. I knew that I didn't send it and neither did Dean. Katie wouldn't send a text to Sam when she was the one we needed saving from. I thought about it for a moment and then figured it out. Castiel must've sent it to Sam so that he could save us. I thought he wasn't listening when really he was working up a plan.

About a half hour later the police had arrived to get our statements. They got my statement first. Both officers were very nice and respectful. While I was giving my statement I started getting sharp pains in my stomach. I couldn't take any deep breaths. The officers noticed this and immediately called one of the doctors over. I tried to tell the doctor I was fine, but he wouldn't believe me. Sam heard me fighting with the doctor and came over to find out what was wrong. I told him that I was fine and tried to push him away, but I got very woozy and fell into his arms. One of the nurses got a wheelchair and Sam placed me in it. The doctor started pressing into my stomach and told me that he needed to run some tests. Sam insisted on coming with.

After several uncomfortable tests the doctor had me wait for the results. He was nice enough to let me wait in Dean's room. Dean still hadn't woken up. My father was taking care of Samantha while I got the tests taken. When I came back in the room I wanted nothing more than to hold my baby girl. My father let me hold her, but it wasn't long until I had to go to the bathroom. My stomach was really bad, but I knew I wasn't sick. The pain in my stomach was something I had never felt before. After throwing up in the bathroom for about ten minutes I finally came out. When I came out my father told me that he was going to go back to his place for a while with Samantha so that she could get some rest. He said to call as soon as I get the results back from the doctor and when Dean wakes up. He gave me a hug and then left. I sat down in the chair next to Dean and started falling to sleep. About an hour later the doctor came back with the results. He said that it was just a gastric ulcer. He prescribed me some medicine to take. I was relieved when I got that information. I called my father and told him the news. He was very happy to here what it was.

Shortly after the doctor gave me the news I climbed into the hospital bed with Dean. There was enough room for the two of us. I made sure to not put any pressure on his ribs. It didn't take me long to fall to sleep. Dean and Sam waked me up a few hours later. They were in the middle of a conversation when I started coming to. Dean had his arms wrapped around me and my head was resting on his chest. It took me a moment to remember that we were in the hospital. I opened my eyes and started looking around the room. Dean brushed my hair out of my face and said, "Good morning sunshine." I asked him when he woke up. He smiled and said that he had been awake for hours. I gave him a good, long kiss and told him I was worried about him. He made a comment about how the tables were turned for once. I was the one doing to worrying for once. Sam could tell that Dean and I needed a moment alone so he excused himself.

I stayed in the bed with Dean while he told me a little about what Katie did to him. He wouldn't go too much into detail because he didn't want to stress me out. He knew that I blamed myself for what happened to him. Tracy was obsessed with me and he was the one who got hurt. Dean wouldn't let me take any of the blame for what happened to him. He got aggravated with me because of the guilt I was putting on myself. The tables really were turned. I was acting like Dean when I got hurt and he was acting like me. It was about time he understood how annoying it was. We soon became silent. We sat in the bed for about an hour until the doctor came in to check on Dean. He told Dean that things were looking much better and he could probably go back home soon.

It has now been three days since Katie held us hostage in our own home. The doctors let Dean out of the hospital yesterday and we came back home for the first time since everything happened. Sam and my father cleaned up everything that happened before we came back. The first thing Dean and I did when we got home was sleep in our own bed. It was so nice to sleep in our queen size bed again.

I feel so bad for Sam. Yet again someone he dated for died. Katie really convinced him that she cared about him when really she was just dating him to get to me. I really hope this doesn't make Sam give up on love. I feel somewhat responsible for his heartbreak because I helped set him up with Katie. Sam says he is fine, but I don't buy it. I think Sam just needs to find someone on his own.

Dec 25, 2010

Merry Christmas!! We decided to just lie low for Christmas this year. My father invited us over to his house to celebrate. He made us dinner and he bought a bunch of gifts for Samantha. No one else really got any gifts and that was fine with everyone. Sam bought Samantha a dress to wear for the holiday. It was a beautiful dress and she looked so adorable in it. I was afraid she wasn't going to cooperate in it, but she was a complete angel the entire time.

Speaking of angels, Castiel stopped by to wish us a Merry Christmas. I thanked him for saving us when Katie was holding us hostage. He just nodded and said that he was keeping up with his promise.

As happy as I am that the year is almost over there is still a lot going on. For starters reporters keep calling our place to get my story about what happened with Katie. They won't stop calling us. Some of them are from newspapers while others are from magazines. I have even gotten a call from Cosmopolitan and Glamour. Every time they call I give them the same response. I'm not telling my story to anyone. Not only are they calling me, but they're also calling my father. Part of the reason I don't want my story told is because of Dean and Sam. I need to protect their identities. As far as the government knows Sam and Dean Winchester are dead. If any of those magazines or newspapers publishes a story with their picture the government might investigate. They can us my picture and name as much as they want because I don't have a criminal record, but Sam and Dean are a different story.

On top of this Samantha is starting to get very clingy with me. She doesn't really like it when other people hold her and she freaks out if I am out of the room for more than ten minutes. I'm not sure why this is, but I'm getting very stressed out. Dean can see that I'm stressed, but there isn't much he can do about it. We've tried to have him hold her when she needs something, but she keeps reaching out for me. All this stress is not helping with my ulcer. The doctor told me to get some rest and to relax as much as I can, but it is really difficult right now. I'm hoping that Samantha will soon get over this, but for the mean time I'm sticking around her as much as I can.


	14. Year 2011 pt 1

Jan 4, 2011

I'm so glad that 2010 is behind us. A lot has happened in one year. We killed Astaroth, I found out that I had a family, found out that my family was possessed and had to be killed, found out that Annabelle was back as a demon, moved into a new place with Dean, had a beautiful baby girl, been almost killed three times, made a new friend, but found out she wanted to be more than just friends, and now I'm getting harassed by the media so they can get my story. What a year it has been? I don't think I will ever have a normal life. I don't think I was born to live a normal life.

We didn't really do much to celebrate the New Year. There wasn't much we could do because of Samantha. That was fine with me because I didn't really feel like doing much. We put Samantha down around 7:00 and then had dinner together. Dean rented some movies for us to watch before the ball dropped.

Once the clock hit midnight Dean pulled me in for a New Year's kiss. It was one hell of a kiss. He hadn't kissed me like that in months. After we finished kissing I got up so we could continue things in the bedroom. Dean asked me where I was going and I told him I was going to bed. As I walked from the living room to our room I started taking off my clothes. I was at the door to our room when I was finally down to just my bra and underwear. I turned around and asked Dean if he was going to join me. I don't think I have ever seen Dean flabbergasted before. Our sex life had basically been nonexistent for the past few months due to our chronic injuries and Samantha. It took Dean a moment to get himself together, but he was quickly off the couch and headed towards me. I stood by the door waiting for him.

Once Dean got to me he pinned me against the wall and started kissing my neck while his hands explored my body. I was so turned on. After about a minute of Dean "working his magic" on me I told him we should probably move into the bedroom because I didn't want to wake Samantha up. He was fine with that so he picked me up and carried me to the bed. He kicked the door shut and then continued where he left off. I didn't realize how much I missed having sex with Dean until that night. He must have missed it too because he didn't want to stop. Eventually we had to call it a night because Samantha would be getting up soon.

Ever since New Year's Dean has been very touchy, feely. Sam is a little grossed out by it. It's not like Dean does anything too risqué, but I think it reminds Sam that he doesn't have anyone at the moment. All Dean really does is randomly kiss my neck real quick and put his arms around my waist when I'm standing. That's about it, everything else he already did.

So far 2011 has been pretty good minus the several phone calls a day from reporters and Samantha still wanting me around her all the time. Dean and I are in a really good place right now and I hope it continues.

Jan 15, 2011

So a reporter some how got information about my life and what happened with Katie. I'm guessing that either they paid off someone at the police department or they broke in to the police department and found my file. My father found an article in _USA Today_ about everything that happened. He brought it over as soon as he finished reading it. Luckily the police have one of Sam and Dean's false identities so I didn't have to worry too much about them getting exposed.

The article was mainly about the case and what happened between Katie and I. It mentioned Katie's past as Tracy and it really made me look like the victim. I was fine with the article until I saw the pictures. There was one of Dean and I from the day before the article was published going into the grocery store with Samantha. It was definitely taken from someone's car. Dean's face isn't really that noticeable in the picture, but the fact that someone took our picture without our knowledge really worries me. I'm not even a celebrity and I'm attracting paparazzi. Hopefully it was just for the article and they will stop now, but I can't risk Dean getting exposed to the FBI.

Shortly after the article was published I got a phone call from _Lifetime_ asking for permission to make a movie about my life. I kept refusing and they kept offering me more money. I didn't think my story was that interesting. There are other stories out there about people being stalked and held hostage. My father keeps telling me to wait another month for this all to blow over and be old news. He said that last month when this all began. Dean and I are both getting frustrated and don't want to answer our phone anymore, but they just leave messages for us to listen to later.

Jan 20, 2011

I stumbled upon something interesting the other day at the doctor's office. I went to the doctor for Samantha's monthly appointment. We ended up having to wait twenty minutes until he was able to see us. While I was waiting for him I picked up one of the _Reader's Digests_ in the waiting room and started looking through it for something interesting to read. One of the stories in it really caught my attention. As I was reading the story I felt like I had read it before.

The story was a journal written in the point of view of a young woman in her late teens or early twenties named Stephanie Serger. The entry took place Christmas Day of 2009. She was afraid that dinner was going to be boring because it was only going to be her father and her friend Amanda. However things didn't go as planned and her father's friend James and his son Dirk stopped by to celebrate the holiday with them. Stephanie goes into detail about how attracted she is to Dirk. Eventually Dirk and Stephanie are left alone while their fathers talk in the kitchen. Dirk tells Stephanie that he has something for her. He gives her a bracelet with a pendant that he explains will keep her safe from evil spirits. Stephanie's hormones get the best of her and she ends up having sex with Dirk.

At this point I realized why this story sounded so familiar. I wrote the story. The story was my life. A few of the details were off, but basically it was the story of the very first time Dean and I hooked up. The date was a bit off, but everything else was the same. The names were also changed Dirk was Dean, James was John, Amanda was Annabelle, and I was Stephanie. I couldn't believe it. I didn't even hear the receptionist calling my name when the doctor was ready for me. I just kept staring at the pages.

I kept telling myself that I was crazy. The story is a bit generic and could just be a coincidence; however my father has taught me that there is no such thing as a coincidence. I had to read more of the entries. The issue of _Reader's Digest_ I was reading was over a year old and at the end of the entry it recommended readers check out more entries online.

When I got home from the doctor's office I immediately went online to read more of the entries. I decided to start from the beginning. The entries started to be published in April 2009 and they were updated every week. The name of the author of the series was obviously a pen name. His or her name is C.R. Singer. I thought maybe it was Chuck trying to make some more money since the book publisher went bankrupt. I gave him a call, but he reminded me that he didn't see my life. He only saw pieces of my life when they interfered with Dean or Sam's lives. I wasn't sure if I should believe him, but I decided to let him go because the entries were basically word for word from my own personal journal. It seemed more like someone had stolen my journals.

The author had to know us because the way he or she described Dean was too perfect. In the entry about the first time Stephanie meets Dirk she describes Dean to a "t." The words the author uses to describe him are much better than what I would have used. Stephanie describes Dirk as having dirty blond hair that spiked so perfectly it is as if his hair naturally defied gravity, green eyes that sparkled like emeralds, a body and face that couldn't have been sculpted better by Michelangelo, and a smile that makes her forget about even her worst problems. Those aren't exactly the words I would've used to describe Dean, but they still describe him.

I thought I might have been just making things up until Stephanie also described Dirk's younger brother, Steve. She explained that Steve was sort of the outcast of the family because he wanted to go to college to become a lawyer instead of going into the family business. Steve got a full ride to Yale and was planning on going, but was afraid of what his father would say. Stephanie admitted that she also found Steve somewhat attractive. Stephanie didn't use as good of details to describe Steve, but they were still basically describing Sam. She said that Steve was taller than Dirk by an inch and she could tell that it bothered Dirk since he was supposed to be older. Steve has brown, shaggy hair, stunning hazel eyes, and a smile almost as amazing as Dirk's.

I decided to show Dean what I had found to get his opinion on the manner. He starting reading the one about the first time Stephanie meets Dirk and seemed flattered by how he was described. After he read that part he looked up at me and asked if his eyes really sparkle like emeralds. I kissed him on the forehead and told him that they sparkle more like pea soup. Before he could say anything about his body being sculpted by Michelangelo I told him that the author probably meant the Ninja Turtle not the artist. Dean didn't appreciate my sarcasm. I apologized and then asked what he thought I should do. He said that we should first find out if my journals were stolen. I told him that I kept all my old journals at my father's house in my old bedroom. Dean said that we should start there.

It didn't take us long to get Samantha ready so we could go over to my father's house. We called my father on the way to his house to fill him in on the situation. About ten minutes later we were at my father's house. I went into my old room and went to the spot that I hid all my journals. I had pried up one of my floorboards and hid the journals in there. When I opened them up all I found was a piece of paper saying thanks for the story and C.R. Singer's signature. This made me very upset. Dean tired to calm me down, but he didn't know what to say. He tried comparing to his situation with Chuck, but this is not the same. Chuck can't help himself because he is a prophet, but this C.R. Singer is intentionally messing with my life. They stole my personal journals so they could make money off of them. The author seems to only like the parts about my relationship with Sam and Dean. He or she has made the story mainly about the love triangle between Steve, Dirk, and Stephanie. I don't really like that Dean knows about this story because he is basically reading my journal.

Dean is going to try to get information about the author from the people over at _Reader's Digest_. He is hoping that we will recognize the name. It's pretty obvious why the author chose Singer as their last name, but what does C.R. stand for?

Jan 22, 2011

Dean didn't get much information from the people are _Reader's Digest_, but he figured out who the author is on his own. He was reading one of the entries when something caught his attention. It was the entry about Stephanie and Dirk's first unofficial date. It was an exact replica of our first unofficial date to the Thai restaurant and the lake. It was one of the entries that I thought the author just copy and pasted from my journal. Turned out the author added a little more to it that I didn't notice. Before Dean and I called it a night that night I asked Dean about his love life. He told me about his ex-girlfriend. I don't really remember much about what he told me because it was a long time ago and I don't have my journals to reference. Dean tested me by asking me what I remember about his ex-girlfriend, Cassie. At first I didn't recognize the name, but then I remembered that he told me how she dumped him after he told her the truth about the family business. He then asked me if I knew what she looked like. I had no idea what she looked like because Dean never told me. Dean thought that was interesting seeing as how the author described her pretty well. That about confirmed it for Dean. It also explained what C.R. stood for. Cassie's last name is Robinson so they are her initials.

As soon as Dean figured it out he gave Cassie a call to find out where she was living. He told her that he wanted to catch up with her and find out what she is doing with her life. She said she was living in Peoria, Illinois and that if he was nearby he should definitely swing by for lunch or a cup of coffee. Dean made plans with her and then started to pack up his things. I told him that I would come with him, but he said that I needed to stay with Samantha. She won't cooperate with anyone else at the moment. I was a little apprehensive at first because I didn't like the idea of Dean going to confront his ex-girlfriend who he cared a lot about. He reminded me that he is leaving me at home while Sam is nearby. He finished packing up his things and then gave me a kiss goodbye.

Dean gave me a call about an hour ago letting me know that he made it to Peoria. He was about to go have his meeting with Cassie. He will let me know when he gets the journals back from her and is on his way back home. I don't like Dean being so far away from home. He is a good ten hours from here. I know that I probably won't see him again until late tomorrow night. I don't know how I am going to sleep without him by my side. I'm so used to his smell, heartbeat, and warmth while I sleep.

Jan 26, 2011

Dean got the journals back from Cassie, but he has been acting a bit strange since he has been back. My mind went to the worst thing possible and thought maybe he cheated on me, but that was not true. I get this feeling that he might have read some of my journals that he got back from Cassie. He swears that he didn't touch them, but I don't believe him because I found pie stains on some of the pages.

When Dean got back I asked him for all the details about why Cassie stole my journals. He told me that she wanted dirt on the girl that stole her man from her. She wanted to make my life hell so that I would leave Dean, but when she started reading my journals she realized that they made for an interesting story. She loved the love triangle between Sam, Dean, and me. She no longer cared about getting Dean back because she was making money off of my life. She wouldn't tell Dean how or when she broke into my father's house. Dean told her to put an end to the story or else he will. He got the journals back from her and then came back home.

Feb 2, 2011

Dean is still acting strange. He says that he is reading the _Twilight_ series again because he wants to refresh his memory about what happened, but whenever I get near him while he is reading he stops and moves to another room. He is acting anxious a lot and keeps watching me closely. I don't know what is up with him.

In other news Samantha has started crawling. This makes it much harder to watch her. She is a fast crawler too. I have to actually watch her now when she is playing in the living room. She is so cute though. She knows how to motion for us to pick her up and is pretty good at letting us know when she is hungry. She is also getting a full head of hair. It is my color.

Feb 7, 2011

I know why Dean has been acting so strange lately. He has been secretly reading my journals. Sam was the one who tipped me off. I was sitting at home watching television while Dean was tucking Samantha in when Sam called me. He asked me why I would tell Dean about his little confession that he made years ago. I wasn't sure what confession he was talking about, but he soon explained it. Apparently Dean had made a trip over to my father's house to have a talk with Sam. He wanted to apologize to Sam for taking me away from him. He didn't realize that Sam loved me so much. Sam was confused and asked Dean where he got the idea that Sam was in love with me. Dean told Sam that I told him about it. I hadn't said anything to Dean about Sam's love confession to me. That was such a long time ago. I kept thinking of how Dean would know when it clicked. I told Sam I would call him back and then hung up.

Dean had some nerve to be reading my journals. I had to be sure before I accused him of anything. I went to where I hid my more recent journals and found that they were all there, but one. It was the one between January and May 2009. I tried to think of what happened during those dates that I had kept from Dean. I couldn't really think of anything. Since there was one missing I decided it was time to confront Dean. I had to be sneaky about it.

I found my opportunity the next day. He was in the living room reading _Twilight_ when I told him that I would be upstairs in the library writing in my journal. After about ten minutes of "writing in my journal" I snuck downstairs. Dean hadn't heard me because he was paying attention to what he was reading. I got closer to him and asked him when the font in _Twilight_ changed to my handwriting. He knew he was caught. He shut the book and told me it was a new edition. I snatched the book out of his hands and pulled my journal out of it. I asked him why he felt he needed to read my old journals. I got very upset with him and told him that it was an invasion of my privacy. He avoided my question and comment and said there was something interesting he found in one of them that he didn't know about me. I asked him what he meant. He said that he didn't know I was the one who got Sam addicted to demon blood. I didn't know what to say after he said this. Dean didn't really let me say anything. He said that he couldn't look at me anymore and left.

As soon as Dean left I called Sam because I didn't know what to do. I filled Sam in on the situation and he said he would be over in a few minutes. Sam was over at the apartment in about ten minutes. Once he was through the door I lost it. I fell into his arms and starting balling. He let me cry for a while until he finally asked what happened. I told him what Dean had said and how he knew about the demon blood. Sam said not to worry because he would explain to Dean that I tried to stop him. I hope that helps. Sam hasn't been able to get in contact with Dean. I hope he comes home soon. He has been gone now for about four hours.

Feb 10, 2011

It has been three days since Dean and I got into a fight and Dean still hasn't spoken to me. He came home shortly after I wrote my last entry and went straight up to the library. He has made the library his new room. He sleeps and eats up there. He even brings Samantha up there to play with her. Sam tried to explain my side, but Dean wouldn't listen to him. I've apologized several times to him, but he won't listen to me. I have no one to blame but myself for this mess. I should've told Dean the truth, but I was too afraid that he would hate me. I knew he would react just like this, however he probably would've forgiven me if I had told him sooner.

Feb 14, 2011

It is Valentine's Day and my husband won't talk to me. It has now been a week and Dean still won't look at me. Whenever he comes downstairs he just walks right past me like I don't exist. Sometimes I wish I didn't exist. I have a feeling that if we didn't have Samantha Dean would have left by now. He doesn't even need to file for divorce because we aren't legally married since he is considered dead by the government.

Sam and my father have been amazing during this entire week. I've gone over to my father's house when I need to get away. Sam always has his shoulder available to cry on. If it weren't for them I wouldn't have been able to keep it together. I have to keep my composure around Samantha because she can tell when I am upset. She is very keen on my emotions.

Feb 23, 2011

Dean is really starting to piss me off. I understand that what I did was wrong and I've apologized for it, but he is taking this too far. I knew he was stubborn, but seriously it has been over two weeks. I'm starting to wonder if he even loves me anymore. I know that I still love him, but it is times like these that I wonder about him.

Mar 4, 2011

So I've been in a coma for the past few days and had the weirdest dream, at least I think it was a dream. I'm not exactly sure how I got into a coma, but that last thing I remember was making dinner.

The dream took place in this alternate universe where Dean and I didn't know each other and my parents never died. I was an investigative reporter and my best friend was my sister, Christina.

The dream started off with me at my parents' house celebrating my mother's birthday. She was so beautiful and was exactly as I imagined her. My whole family was there including Aunt Miranda and Uncle Ed. During the evening I pulled Aunt Miranda over to the side to tell her that Uncle Ed was gay. She nodded and said she was okay with it. We were in the middle of dinner when I got a call from work to go on assignment. They wanted me to check out some mysterious deaths in a town near Portland, OR. I had to catch the next flight and start investigating ASAP. My parents were so understanding and drove me to the airport to catch my flight.

As soon as I got to the motel I was staying at I started looking up information about the murders in the town. The deaths were gruesome. After getting the background information on the case I went to sleep because I had to get up early to go to the morgue to look at the bodies. The next day is when things got interesting.

At the morgue I found out that each victim had their heart missing. It looked like it had been ripped out of their chest. As I was leaving the morgue two guys in suits were waiting to get in. I didn't really acknowledge them I just smiled and nodded as they passed.

After the morgue I went over to the police station to interview the sheriff. It was amazing how much information I could get as a reporter. The sheriff told me that the murderer had been around for about a year, but only struck three nights a month. I thought that was a bit strange. I got the dates of all the murders and the sheriff handed over all the police reports from the murders. Once I got all the information I needed from the sheriff I went back to my room to look over all the new evidence. As I was leaving the station I noticed the guys from the morgue were sitting in the waiting room. This caught my attention, but not too much. I figured they were probably reporters also and were getting their story.

After a few hours of typing up all my new findings I decided to hit the town. I put on a tight, low cut dress and went to a bar that was about a ten-minute walk from the motel I was staying at. It was your typical bar with music, billiards, and darts. I ordered my drink from the bartender and then started looking for a place to sit. As I was looking I recognized the guys from the morgue and police station. They were sitting at a table with some beers. The taller one was on his laptop while the other was checking out chicks. I found both of them fairly attractive. I grabbed my drink from the bar and made my way over to them.

I sat down in the empty seat across from the tall one and asked them jokingly if they were following me. The tall one looked nervous and said they were not. The other one chimed in that they were FBI investigating the murders that have been taking place. He then introduced himself as Agent Dean Cullen and his partner Sam Black. I introduced myself to them and explained that I was a reporter. After introductions were over with I asked them if they had any leads as to who the murderer was. Sam said they had some theories, but weren't allowed to discuss it with me. That was when I turned on the charm. I could tell that Dean was interested in me and decided to work with it. He had been checking me out the entire time I was sitting with them. I took a long sip from my drink, placed my hand on his, and said that I would tell them everything I knew if they gave me some leads. Dean was getting hooked, but Sam ruined it. He shut his laptop and told Dean that they should leave. Dean was a bit hesitant at first, but he eventually got up and followed Sam.

Shortly after that I left to go back to my motel room. As I was walking back I could feel someone or something following me. I kept looking back, but didn't see anything. I started walking faster, but before I knew it something was blocking my path ahead of me. It looked human. I turned around to go the other way, but something was blocking that path. I was so scared because I knew there was a murderer in the town. I don't know why I walked to the bar when I knew this, but I did. The only thing I had to protect me in my purse was a can of mace. They started charging me slowly, but soon they picked up speed. As they got closer I saw that they didn't look human anymore. I didn't know which way to go. I started running across the street, but they were too fast. I kicked off my heels so that I could run faster. I hopped over the fence of one of the houses and kept running, but they were right behind me. I knew that I couldn't let anything get in my way because if I slowed down at all they would catch me. I ran through the backyard and opened the gate to the alley in the back. When I got there I saw a car with its headlights on. I started waving at it hoping the driver would see me and help me. I saw the driver and passenger side open and two figures get out. I felt a relief until I saw that they had guns. It looked like they were aiming them right at me. I started yelling at them not to shoot me. They yelled at me to get down and that's when I realized they weren't aiming at me, but the people who were chasing me. I got down on my stomach and covered my ears. I didn't like the sound of gunshots. I could faintly hear their guns going off and after about ten seconds of gunshots I heard silence. I didn't know what to do so I just stayed on the ground.

I finally felt a hand on my back and someone saying my name. I took my hands off my ears and looked up to see Agent Cullen from the bar. Dean helped me up and started brushing the dirt off of me. I was afraid to look behind me because I didn't want to see the bloody corpses of my attackers. I noticed that it was just Dean and I and wondered where Sam was. I asked Dean and he told me he was after the one that got away. I turned around and saw that there was only one dead body behind me. Dean pointed out that I was bleeding and that he could patch me up.

We went to his car where he had his first aid kit. As he was patching me up I couldn't help but notice how attracted I was to him. I wanted Dean badly. He kept looking up at me and smiling. I had a feeling that he felt it too. He sat next to me when he finished patching me up. We sat in silence looking at our hands when I finally thanked him for saving me. He said it was no problem and then we continued to sit in awkward silence. I finally asked him if those were the murderers that attacked me. He nodded and then asked if I got a good look at their faces. I told him I did, but I wasn't sure how to explain what I saw. Their faces weren't normal. They looked almost wolf like. Dean turned towards me, took my hands in his, and said that he had to be honest with me. I looked confused and nodded for him to go on. He was about to spill when Sam opened the passenger door, scaring us. Sam was out of breath and looked disappointed. He told Dean that he didn't get the other one.

When Sam got into the light I saw that he was bleeding. The light in the alley wasn't very good and it is sort of hard to patch someone up in a car. I told them that I was staying at the motel up the street and we could patch him up there. They liked the idea and Dean drove over to my room.

I had forgotten how messy my room was until I opened the door and saw my clothes all over the place. I apologized for the mess and then continued into the room. Sam sat down in the chair while Dean sat on the bed. He handed Sam the first aid kit and let him mend his own wounds. I leaned on the wall across from Dean and asked him what he was going to tell me earlier. I had not forgotten that he was about to spill something major. He told me that what he was going to tell me is off the record. I cannot print this in any newspaper or magazine. I promised I wouldn't tell anyone and then asked him to continue. He glanced over at Sam quickly and then told me that what attacked me earlier were not human and that he and Sam were not FBI agents. I waited for Dean to continue. Sam continued for him and explained that they were hunters and those were werewolves that attacked me. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, but at the same time I didn't doubt them. I moved over to the other bed so that I could sit down. I was processing what they had just told me. In the back of my mind I had a feeling it was werewolves, but it sounded too crazy to be true.

I didn't realize that I had been quiet for so long before Dean asked me if I was okay. I nodded and then asked what he meant when he said they were hunters. Dean smiled his beautiful smile and explained the hunting world to me. When he finished I asked how we were going to get the other werewolf. He said that there was one night left for him to change this month and they usually go to the same location. I offered myself as bait, but Dean turned it down. He said it wasn't necessary because he and Sam could be the bait. I told him that I wanted to do something to help. He thanked me for the offer, but said that they didn't need my help. I wasn't going to put up too much of a fight, but I told him that I wanted him to stop by after he was done so that I knew he was okay. He agreed to that and then they left.

Shortly after they left I went to bed, but it was a restless night sleep. All I could think about was Dean. There was just something about him. I didn't believe in love at first sight, but Dean was a different story. I felt like I had known him all my life and didn't want to be away from him. I felt completely crazy because I had never felt this way about a guy I had just met before.

The next day when I woke up all I could think about was the hunt Sam and Dean were going on. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if the werewolf ended up attacking them. At about one o'clock in the afternoon I couldn't take it anymore and gave Dean a call. I had to see him and hear what his plans were. I told him that I wanted to hear more about the supernatural world. It was fascinating to me and since he wasn't going after the werewolf until sun down we had time. Dean agreed to meet me at a diner by my motel to talk. I got dressed and headed over to the diner.

Dean got to the diner before me and was already seated. As soon as I saw him all my worries went away. I sat down across from him and got right to the point. I wanted to know what he and Sam had in mind for getting the werewolf. He told me his plans, but I wasn't very happy with them because it didn't sound like they had anything planned out. I told Dean that I didn't like their plans and offered to help them again. Dean quickly said no and told me that he wouldn't be able to live with himself if I got hurt. I told him that I felt the same way about him. Dean took my hands in his and promised me that he would get out of this alive, but he couldn't guarantee the same for the werewolf.

I let what he had said sink in and then pulled my hands out from his. I looked out the window and then asked Dean if he ever felt like he was supposed to live a different life. Dean looked at me confused and asked me to elaborate. I explained that lately I had been feeling like I was meant to have a different life. Before he could say anything I cut him off and explained that ever since I met him I haven't been able to get him off my mind. Dean was flattered by this and said that he felt the same way about me. He told me that he has never been so honest with a woman and he feels very protective of me. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He was basically in the same boat as me. Dean grabbed my arm and was about to say something else when his phone went off. It was Sam. He wanted Dean to get to the room ASAP so they can make sure everything is ready.

Dean drove me to my motel room and I just sat there thinking about our conversation at the diner. Dean had to wave his hand in front of my face to get my attention so that I would leave the car. I started opening the door, but before I got it fully open I went with my gut and turned around towards Dean to give him a kiss. I pulled away and told him to hurry back after he finished killing the SOB. Dean was still in shock that I kissed him, but nodded his head. I then stepped out of the car and went to my room.

As I was sitting in my room waiting for Dean to get back I got a phone call from my boss wondering how the story was going. I told him that things were a bit weird and I wasn't sure if I could write the story. He didn't understand and asked me to explain. I told him that there were elements to the story that no one would believe. He told me to send him what I had and then we would work on the story when I got back.

After I got off the phone with my boss I turned on the TV so I could try to think about something else besides Dean. Nothing interesting was on so I decided to go on my computer to look up information about all things supernatural. I wanted to see how much stuff I could buff up on before Dean got back.

I was in the middle of an article about wendigos when I heard a knock at the door. I looked through the peephole and saw Dean. I opened the door and saw how beat he looked. I invited him in and he immediately sat on the bed. I asked him what happened while I got him a wet towel. He said that it was a tough fight but they got the SOB. I told him that was good while I ran the towel over his face. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the cold towel on his face. After about a minute he opened his eyes, put his hand behind my head, and pulled me in for a kiss. I threw the towel onto the other bed and continued kissing him while slowing getting on top of him. In between one of the kisses I pulled his shirt off of him and before we could continue I noticed the hand shaped scar on his left arm. I put my hand on it and asked how he got it. He said that it was a story for another time. I moved to sit next to him so we could discuss if there was going to be another time. Dean admitted that he usually doesn't believe in monogamy, but it was different with me. He was willing to make things work for me. I asked him how that was possible when he and his brother travel around so much. He sat there thinking about it for a moment and then told me to come with him. I wanted to say yes, but I had only known him for one day. I kept trying to say no, but it wouldn't come out. I slowly started nodding. I knew deep down that Dean and I belonged together.

Dean was so happy that I said yes. He admitted that Sam was going to think we were crazy, but he didn't care. Dean then pulled me in to continue where we left off. We fell to sleep in each other arms. I woke up in the middle of the night in his arms and felt so at ease. I pulled his arm off me so that I could go to the bathroom. I couldn't believe what I was willing to do for him. I sat in the bathroom thinking for about ten minutes. I started washing my face off when a man in a trench coat appeared out of nowhere. I was about to scream when he placed his hand over my mouth. He said he wasn't there to hurt me and there was no reason to wake up Dean. He continued by introducing himself as Castiel. He explained that he was an angel of the lord and that none of this was real. He then released me from his grip and I asked him to clarify further. He said this was all to teach me something. I still didn't understand what he was talking about. He was about to explain some more, but decided to just wake me up instead. He placed his hand on my head and then I woke up in the hospital.

When I woke up I found Sam, my father, and Dean sleeping on chairs all around me. I was so confused because I had no clue what had just happened. I started sitting up when Dean opened his eyes. He shot out of the chair and sat on the bed next to me. He looked so relieved to see me awake. He said that they had been worried about me for days. I asked him how long I was out. He explained that I had been in a coma for five days. He found me on the kitchen floor unconscious and rushed me over to the hospital. The doctor said that everything seemed okay I just needed to wake up. I tried to apologize to Dean again for what happened with Sam. Dean said that all was forgiven and that he was just happy to see me awake again. When he saw me on the kitchen floor he was so scared that I was dead that he didn't care anymore about what I did. He realized that he took it too far and that I was truly sorry. He gave me a long overdue kiss and told me that he loved me. I then realized that someone was missing from the hospital room. I asked him where Samantha was. He told me that she was being watched by the hospital's day care. The staff there absolutely loves her. They think she is the most beautiful baby ever.

I was about to tell Dean about the dream I had when my father and Sam woke up. They were both happy to see me awake.

It didn't take long for the doctor to release me from the hospital. There wasn't really anything wrong with me I just had a really long nap. Now I just need to get in contact with Castiel so I can find out what that dream was all about. What was my lesson? I don't know if I should share it with Dean or not. I probably should because I don't want to keep any secrets from him anymore. I'm just so happy that he is talking to me again. He really does love me. Maybe that was my lesson.

Mar 11, 2011

Things between Dean and I have gotten better, but there is still some hesitation between us. We are both trying to avoid talking about what happened. We mainly said what needed to be said at the hospital. I did however tell Dean about the dream to get his help in figuring out what my lesson was. He thinks that Castiel was trying to prove that we were destined for this life. That no matter what life we could have had we would still end up together. I think that is part of it, but I have a feeling there is something we are missing. The person to ask would be Castiel, but he isn't responding to me for some reason.

Mar 18, 2011

Dean and my father are leaving to go out on a hunt. I didn't know that Dean wanted to go out on a hunt again. I offered to go with him, but he said that I should stay at the apartment with Samantha. Sam is staying behind incase anything happens. I'm not too sure how I feel about this, but I don't want to keep Dean from hunting. I know that is what he is good at and he saves a lot of people doing it, but I'm going to miss him and he could get hurt. The hunt they are going on is all the way in Florida. They are leaving first thing in the morning tomorrow.

Mar 20, 2011

Dean has only been gone for a little over 24 hours and I already miss him. He has called me once so far and that was when they made it to their motel. I'm not the only one who misses him. Samantha also misses him. Sam is trying to fill Dean's shoes for the time being, but he isn't the same. He stayed the night last night incase anything happened or I needed some company. I made a bed for him in the living room and he gladly accepted.

Mar 23, 2011

So Dean has now been gone for four days and I have only talked to him about three times for only five minutes each time. He says that the hunt will take a while, but he hasn't really informed about what they are hunting. I asked Sam if he had any idea, but he knew just as much as me. I want Dean to come back home soon. Sam just isn't the same. He doesn't get my sarcasm like Dean does.

I'm worried about Samantha. I think she might be sick. She is crying a lot more than usual and she doesn't seem to be sleeping very well. She is also coughing and sneezing a lot. I might need to take her to the doctor soon.

Mar 24, 2011

I swear I am going to pull all the hair out of my head soon. Samantha is much worse than she was yesterday. She wouldn't stop crying last night and I realized she felt very warm. Sam got me the baby thermometer and she had a fever. Once I saw this Sam rushed us over to the ER so we could make sure she was okay. They took her to the back to run some tests on her. I wasn't allowed to be in the room while they ran the tests so of course I was stressing out.

While they were running the tests I tried calling Dean to inform him that our daughter was sick and where we were, but he didn't pick up his phone. I left a detailed message about what was going on and promised to call as soon as the doctors told me what was wrong. I wasn't very happy that Dean had neglected my phone call. He has sort of been neglecting me this entire time he has been on the hunt.

Sam could feel how stressed I was and tried to calm me down. He put his arm around me and pulled me in. He said that Samantha was going to be fine and she probably just had a cold. I knew he was probably right, but Samantha has never been sick before. She has been one of the healthiest babies the doctor had known. She had to get sick as soon as my anchor left. If Dean were here I wouldn't be so stressed, but he is on the other side of the country. Sam calmed me down a little, but not as well as Dean would have.

After an hour of sitting in the waiting area the doctor finally came out and told us that Samantha had strep and would need antibiotics. He gave me the prescription and explained how to give her the medication. Sam drove us to Walgreen's and they had the medicine ready to go as soon as we got there. I gave Dean another call while we were on the way to fill him in on Samantha's condition. He still didn't pick up his phone. I decided to give my father a try, but he also didn't pick up.

When we got home I tried giving Samantha the medicine, but she was putting up a fuss. She kept pushing my hand away. I was getting very fed up with her, but I knew I couldn't yell at her. It wasn't her fault she didn't want to take it. She is only nine months old, she doesn't know any better. Sam eventually stepped in and got her to take it. Shortly after she took the medicine Sam took her to bed. She slept for most of the night, but I didn't. I stayed in her room the entire night just incase she needed me for anything. Sam stayed in there with me. I swear if Sam hadn't stayed behind I would have probably killed myself by now.

I'm a little concerned about Dean. He never called back after I left him the messages about Samantha. He or my father should've had at least five minutes to call me back. It isn't like either of them to just ignore a phone call from me, especially one about Samantha. I asked Sam if he had heard from them and he said he hadn't. He is trying to stay calm so that I don't freak out.

Mar 26, 2011

Well, I know why my father and Dean weren't calling me back. It turns out the hunt in Florida was a set up. Shortly after the last time I talked to them they were attacked. Before I go into what happened to them let me explain how I found out where they really were.

Shortly after my last entry things with Samantha were getting better, but Dean and my father still hadn't called me back. Sam was the one keeping me sane. I had just finished some laundry and was folding towels in my bedroom when Sam came in to see how I was feeling. I was honest with him and said that I was just hanging on by a thread. I stopped folding towels and sat down on the bed because I could feel the tears building up. I was so stressed about Dean and Samantha.

Sam sat down next to me and put his arm around my shoulders for comfort. I leaned into him and then thanked him for being there. I told him that if it weren't for him I would be a total mess. I then went to give him a kiss on the cheek as a thank you, but at the last second he turn his head so that I ended up kissing him on the lips. I tried to pull away, but he put his hand behind my head and pushed my lips onto his. I was using all my strength to push him away, but he was way too strong for me. I wasn't sure what had come over Sam. He was never this rough with me. He was scaring me. I decided to stop fighting him and pretend to go with it so I could get out of his grip. I thought I had found my opportunity to get away and kneed him in the balls. I got away from him for about ten seconds, but he grabbed me from the back of my shirt and threw me against the wall. I tried pulling on the side of his head to get him away from me, but that didn't work because his ear ended up ripping off. That was when I realized that he was a shapeshifter, not Sam. Pulling off his ear was the final straw and he slammed my head against the wall to knock me out.

I woke up about fifteen minutes later. My hands were tied together, but I was just lying on the floor in my dining room. I saw shapeshifter Sam standing by my feet, but he wasn't paying attention to me. He was in the middle of something and I decided to trip him so that I could try to get away from him. I kicked him over which didn't make him very happy. I got up, untied my hands, and ran to the other side of the table. He was back on his feet in a matter of seconds. He started chasing me around the table, but I soon exited towards the living room. He was a lot faster than I thought and he caught up to me and threw me across the room. I knew I had to get upstairs where we kept our weapons. I had to find the silver bullets that Dean made. I knew it would be difficult because this guy was fast. He used Sam's long legs to his advantage.

I was almost to the stairs when he pulled me by the hair and put me on the couch. He straddled me and told me to stop fighting. I was using all my strength to get him off of me, but it wouldn't work. He had about a hundred pounds on me. I eventually gave up and asked what he wanted. He put his mouth right next to my ear and said there were a few things that Sam wanted. Then he gave my ear a nibble. He commented on how Sam had some willpower because he wanted me badly.

He continued touching me in places only Dean should be touching for a few minutes until he stopped and explained that that wasn't the reason he was there. He said he was actually there to collect Samantha. I was thoroughly confused and asked what that meant. He said that he was sent to get Samantha because she was a special child. I asked him to explain further, but he said he didn't need to explain his actions to me. He then started strangling me. I tried to get him to stop, but he wouldn't loosen his grip. I thought I was dead until I heard two gunshots and felt the pressure around my neck loosen. Shapeshifter Sam fell on top of me and blocked my view of my hero. I had no strength to push him off me, but I didn't need to because my hero did it for me. My hero was the real Sam Winchester.

I sat on the couch catching my breath for a few seconds and then Sam helped me up. He didn't look any better than I probably did. He asked me if I was okay and started looking at my wounds. I felt a little awkward with him touching me after what the shapeshifter said about Sam wanting me. I told him I was fine and then went over to Samantha's room to check on her. She was fast asleep in her crib. I asked Sam how long he was abducted and he told me that he got attacked the day before. The shapeshifter tied him up in one of the vacant apartments in the area and left him to starve. The shapeshifter didn't check Sam's pockets because he would've found his pocketknife that he used to escape.

After listening to Sam's story I realized that Dean and my father might have been abducted as well. I told Sam my theory and said that it was possible. Sam called their cell phone company and got the GPS on Dean's phone turned on. We just had to hope the phone didn't die. We were in luck because Dean's phone was still on. The phone tracker stated that he was somewhere near Atlanta.

Since Sam isn't afraid of flying like Dean we went to the airport to catch the next flight to Atlanta. However the next flight wasn't for another five hours. I didn't want to bring Samantha with us so I got Castiel to watch her. It didn't take much to persuade him. He seems to like Samantha. It seemed like everyone at the airport was staring at Sam and I because we were all beaten up. I wasn't really in that much pain, but I hadn't really cleaned up any of the bloodstains on my clothes. Since we had a few hours to kill we decided to clean up. There weren't many choices for clothing so we had to make due with what was available. We each ended up getting "I (heart) SD" shirts. They look like those "I (heart) NY" shirts that are popular. We also bought some face wipes and a brush. I went into the bathroom first and then Sam went. We looked better, but we still had cuts and bruises on our faces.

After we finished cleaning up Sam asked me about what the shapeshifter told me. I decided to keep the information about Sam's desire for me to myself because I didn't want to make things awkward. Instead I just told him about how the shapeshifter was after Samantha. I had no idea why. All I knew was that she was special. The only thing that is special about her is that she has Deana's spirit in her. I really don't think that is what the demons and shapeshifters are after. Sam was about to give me his theory when they called us to board the plane. The flight was a good three hours. We arrived in Atlanta around nine o'clock in the evening.

As soon as we arrived in Atlanta we went to bag check to picked up the one bag we had. We had to check the bag because it had our guns in it. Once we had our bag we headed to the car rental place and got whatever car they had ready. We didn't care what they stuck us with we just wanted to get to my father and Dean. I got to be the driver this time and Sam was my co-pilot. It was kind of nice being able to be driver instead of the extra person in the backseat. Sam got directions on his phone to the address he was given when he tracked Dean's phone.

It took us about thirty minutes to get to the place. We weren't very happy when we saw where they were hiding them. It was this huge, abandoned hotel. There must have been about one hundred rooms in the building. We had no idea which room they were going to be in. We also didn't know if they were being guarded. We each had a shotgun with rock salt and holy water. Sam also had my demon-killing blade and I had the Colt. We were prepared.

Sam and I approached the door with our weapon of choice in one hand and a flashlight in the other. Sam turned the knob and let me go in first. I checked to make sure the coast was clear and then Sam took the lead. We each took a side of the hall to check rooms. I took the left side while Sam took the right. We started on the main floor and then made our way up. We stood back to back and opened the door to the rooms at the same time. After opening up over half the rooms we were getting anxious. We hadn't heard anything besides the occasional rat running around. We were both tired of keeping up our guard and not finding anything. I was getting ready to give up, but Sam kept telling me to open one more door. We were finally at the top floor and the last set of rooms.

I couldn't keep quiet anymore and shouted for Dean and my father. Sam joined me, but we didn't hear anybody respond back. We checked all the rooms anyways incase they couldn't shout back for some reason. They weren't in any of the rooms. I was starting to freak out because I wouldn't be able to live with myself if either one of them were dead. Sam was trying to keep his cool, but I could see he was scared too.

We went back to the main floor and started checking the office for any blue prints of the place. After looking through what felt like hundreds of drawers Sam finally found them. He rolled them out on the table in the middle of the room and started looking at everywhere we didn't look. Apparently there was an entire basement to the place. I was really having doubts about Dean and my father being in the place and Sam could see it in my eyes. He told me to keep positive because we were going to find them one way or another.

We made our way downstairs and split up to search the different rooms. The basement was mainly rooms for staff. As soon as I stepped foot in my room I started shouting for Dean. I listened as carefully as I could, but couldn't hear anybody besides Sam walking around the other room. I continued walking through the basement calling for Dean and my father. At one point I swore I heard tapping, but wasn't sure if it was just a rat. I yelled at Sam to stop moving and then listened. The tapping was coming from a pipe. Sam heard it too and tried to find the pipe it was coming from. As I was listening I realized that it was in code. Sam and I looked at each other at the same time because we had figured out what was being tapped out. Their location was being tapped out and it stated they were alone. Sam and I ran along the pipe as fast as we could to get to them. It took us a matter of seconds to get to the door, but it felt much longer than that. I felt like I was moving in slow motion. Sam and I hesitated when we got to the door before we opened it. I shouted for my father while Sam shouted Dean's name. We heard them making an effort to shout back, but they obviously had something over their mouths.

On the count of three Sam opened the door and what we saw I will not forget. My father was lying on the floor by the pipe that he was tapping with his hands and feet tied to a chair. He was using the legs of the chair to do the tapping. Dean was also tied to a chair, but his hadn't fallen over. They both had gags in their mouths. We could tell that they had been stuck there alone for a while because they were covered in their own filth. I went to my dad while Sam helped Dean. They were both dehydrated and hadn't eaten for days.

Sam and I carried my father and Dean to the rental car. We put them in the backseat and then I drove to the closest hotel. I didn't care how expensive it was we needed to get them a shower and a meal. I dropped them off at the hotel while I went to the store to get supplies for my father and Dean. There was a convenience store up the road. I bought two gallons of water, toothpaste and brushes, shampoo and conditioner, and some food. I realized that I should probably get them a change of clothes, but the store didn't really have clothes. I asked the clerk if there was anywhere open that would sell clothes and he told me where I could find a Wal-Mart. About ten minutes from the hotel was a Wal-Mart. I bought the first set of clothes I could find in my father and Dean's sizes and checked out.

When I got back to the room my father and Dean were sitting on the bed waiting for me. As soon as I walked in the door I gave them their clothes and the shower supplies I bought. Dean let my father take the first shower. While he was in the shower Dean washed his face and brushed his teeth. Sam and I wanted to know how long they were stuck in the room. Dean said that it had been two days. He has no clue how they got there. They were knocked out from behind and woke up in the room tied to the chairs. They didn't know where they were or who had knocked them out. They just sat in the room wondering when they were going to be let out. When they heard us shouting their names they weren't sure how to get our attention since they couldn't shout. Their throats were so dry they could barely talk. My father saw the pipe and figured he could get our attention by tapping it. Dean had no idea that my father was tapping in Morse code. Dean asked what happened to us because we had cuts all over our faces. We were about to tell him when my father came out of the shower. He already looked better just by taking a shower. I told Dean I would tell him when he came out.

My father took over Dean's spot on the bed and started eating his portion of the food I bought. He asked how we knew they were in trouble. We gave him the quick version of the story by telling him that Sam was snatched by a shapeshifter and we figured that the same might be happening with them because they weren't calling us back. We didn't give him the long version because we wanted to save that for when Dean got out of the shower.

Fifteen minutes later Dean came out of the shower and wanted to hear about what happened at home. Sam and I started from the beginning with Samantha getting sick. I finished with what the shapeshifter said about Samantha. Dean asked if we knew what he meant, but obviously we had no idea. Shortly after story time was over we all went to sleep. Dean and I slept in one bed while my father slept in the other. Sam made my father take the bed because of what he had been through. After much debate Sam convinced my father to sleep on the bed. Sam took over the floor.

We are on our way to get the Impala from Florida and then we have a long drive back home. Castiel said he is fine with watching Samantha the entire time.

Apr 5, 2011

Samantha was so happy when Dean and I walked in the door from our little trip. Castiel said she was a complete angel. I couldn't believe what I was hearing out of Castiel's mouth. He was being funny. Dean, of course, commented on Castiel's pun, but Cas kept a straight face the entire time. As soon as I walked in the door Samantha crawled to my feet and motioned for me to pick her up. I was happy to see that she was feeling a lot better than when I left her. I just love it when she smiles and giggles.

Dean pulled Castiel into the dining room for a chat while I played with Samantha. I didn't pay much attention to Samantha because I wanted to hear their conversation. I put her down by her toys and stood next to the dining room door. Castiel told Dean that he had no idea why they wanted her. Dean didn't believe him and demanded he tell the truth. I couldn't see what was going on, but I could imagine. Dean was probably in Castiel's face. Castiel told Dean yet again that he didn't know anything. I wasn't sure if I believed Castiel either, but I had no reason to doubt him. Castiel told Dean that he would check it out and get back to him. He vanished shortly after that.

As soon as I heard Castiel vanish I sat down by Samantha so Dean wouldn't think I was listening. Dean came back into the living room looking upset. Samantha saw him enter the room and crawled over to him. He picked her up and started giving her raspberries on her stomach. She started giggling right away. He put her back on the ground and continued tickling her. I could tell that Samantha was happy her father was back.

I just sat watching him play with her. It was nice just watching Dean play with her. He really is an amazing father. I think he doubts himself as a father sometimes, but he is so good with Samantha. The way her face lights up when he enters the room is proof enough. I think it definitely helps that Samantha is a really good kid. She is happy most of the time and only cries when she truly needs something.

Apr 14, 2011

Samantha is getting so big; I can't believe it. She is starting to feed herself and she can walk around when holding onto furniture. She is also getting close to saying her first word. She's still speaking gibberish, but it is much closer to our language. Dean still has the pretend conversations with her. It is quite amusing to watch. He will ask her random questions and then make up the answer in his head. I can tell that Samantha has fun with it too. Dean pretends to play translator sometimes too. She will start speaking in her baby language and then he will tell me what she said.

I've been trying my hardest not to act strange around Sam. If what the shapeshifter said about Sam wanting me is true than I need to put some distance between us. However I don't want Sam to know that I know about his desire for me. It will make things that much more awkward between us. I think he can tell that something is up because I've been a little hesitant with him. I'm usually a very physical person, but I've been trying not to touch Sam as much. The other day I was going to punch him in the shoulder like I usually do, but stopped part way. It looked very awkward when I did that.

In other news, Castiel claims that no one will tell him why Samantha is so special. He can't get word on why the demons want her. I'm not sure if I believe him. I feel as though he is hiding something from us.

Apr 17, 2011

I found out why Samantha is so special, but it wasn't from the source I thought it would come from.

It was my turn to take out the garbage the other day. I threw the trash in the bin and turned around to be face-to-face with Annabelle, or the human vessel that is Annabelle. She was out of breath and bloody. She could barely stand because she was out of breath. In between pants she was trying to warn me about something, but I couldn't understand her. I was about to invite her up to my apartment, but I remembered that it is demon proof.

After about a minute of her catching her breath she finally told me that she had some really important news. She just found out from the inner circle of demons that Samantha is destined to save humankind. Rumor has it that the only reason Dean and I were brought back was to create Samantha. I was in shock by this news. I thought we were brought back to stop Lucifer from rising. Annabelle explained that the demons want to get their hands on her so they can kill her before she can do any saving. I asked her how she found out and she said it was being spread like wildfire around the demon circuit. Any demon that gets their hands on Samantha will be rewarded once Lucifer rises. I took a moment to absorb the information and then thanked her.

As soon as she was out of sight I went back up to my apartment. Dean was sitting on the couch watching Samantha when he saw the look on my face. He asked me what was wrong because it looked like I had seen a ghost. I informed him about everything that Annabelle told me. He was shocked by it too, but kept his cool. He told me that we should ask Castiel about the information before we jump the gun. Annabelle could be lying to us. She is known for her manipulation, but I really doubt she would lie about something like that.

Dean called for Castiel for a good five minutes, but he wasn't responding. I couldn't take it anymore and commanded Castiel to show himself. I didn't think it would work, but he listened. Once we saw his face we knew that what Annabelle told me was true. He didn't even need to say a word. Dean was going to charge him, but I got there first. I got right in his face and asked if it was true. He slowly started to nod his head. I backed off and asked him why. I wanted to know why Dean and I were so special. Why were we the ones chosen to give birth to humankind's savior? Neither of us even believed in God before any of this started happening. Castiel didn't have an answer for us, but he explained that the demons have known for a long time about my destiny. That is the reason why demons have been after me since I've been back. That is the real reason why Castiel has been protecting me. Dean and I were both furious with Castiel and told him to leave. It didn't take long for Castiel to exit the room.

Dean and I couldn't think of anything to say for about ten minutes. We both sat on the couch processing what we just learned. You would think parents would be honored to hear that their kid is destined to save humankind, but not us. Dean and I have been through enough to know this won't be an easy task for Samantha. She is going to have to dodge demons her whole life. I don't want her to have the same life I did. I want her to be able to make her own decisions and not be on high alert all the time. I'm never going to be able to let her out of my sight.

After Dean was done processing he yelled out a few obscenities that I would rather not repeat. He couldn't keep his thoughts in his head any longer. He started asking me why we had to give up everything for mankind. Why can't we just have a normal life? I knew they were rhetorical questions, but I tried to answer them as best I could. I couldn't really come up with much because I was wondering the same thing. Once Dean was done asking his questions he paused and then said that he was tired. I suggested that he go lie down, but that wasn't what he meant. He meant that he was tired of this life. He was tired of saving people and not getting anything out of it. I put my hand in his and told him that he has Samantha and me. He took his hand out of mine, got up and asked me if the only reason we were together was because it was part of God's plan. That we were only attracted to each other to create Samantha. I went over to him, put my arms around his waist, kissed him on the lips, and told him that that was real. He took my arms off his waist and then went into the bedroom.

I was going to go in after Dean, but what he said really made me think. What if the only reason I'm attracted to Dean is because of God? That sounds crazy, but at the same time it makes sense. I keep telling myself that I really love Dean, but what if I don't? What if the only reason I love him is because of God's plan? What if I really can't stand Dean, but God is making me love him for Samantha's sake? What if the real lesson of that dream wasn't that Dean really loves me, but that Dean and I were meant to be together no matter what to create Samantha? This is absurd. I love Dean, end of story.

But what if I don't?

Apr 20, 2011

I told my father all about what we found out and he just called Dean and I idjits. He said that no power could make up a love like the one Dean and I have. He believes that Dean and I love each other because we want to not because God needs us to. I asked him how he knew that, but he couldn't explain it. He told me to look deep down and tell him if I loved Dean. I told him of course I loved Dean, but at the same time I didn't know if I really loved him. I could see that my dad wanted to slap me when I said that. He said I could believe whatever I wanted, but he wanted me to go home and take a good, long look at Dean before I decided what to believe.

When I got home after my conversation with my father I decided to do his little experiment. Dean was asleep on the couch when I walked in the door. I sat down on the coffee table across from him and just watched him sleep. I kept thinking about how I would feel if Dean weren't in my life. The consensus was miserable. I would probably feel empty. I would feel like I was missing a part of me. I knew then that my father was right. Dean and I were idjits.

After I came down to the conclusion that I love Dean because I want to I moved to the couch with Dean. Dean woke up confused. He put his arm around me and asked what was going on. I kissed him on the neck and told him that I loved him. He still looked confused. I elaborated and explained that I loved him because I wanted to not because God is making me. Dean kissed me on the nose and called me silly. I disagreed with him and said I wasn't silly. He asked me if I really thought God was making us love each other. We both sat up so we could talk. I was confused because I thought he was thinking the same thing. He admitted that he thought that for about ten minutes, but realized that he was a fool for thinking it. He said that he doesn't really believe in the whole destiny crap that the angels throw down our throats. He apologized for putting those thoughts in my head and mocked me by saying he loved me too because he wanted to. I rolled my eyes and then went to check on Samantha.

Samantha was sleeping soundly in her crib. I just stood there watching her when Dean came in. He put his arms around my waist and kissed my neck. We just stood there watching Samantha for a few minutes. Dean finally said that she was beautiful. I turned toward him and said with parents like us she would have to be beautiful. We soon left her room and went to our bedroom.


	15. Year 2011 pt 2

Newest entry - May 16, 2011

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Apr 30, 2011

Castiel is trying to convince Dean and I to get Samantha baptized. He keeps trying to push it on us. It's not that Dean and I are against Samantha getting baptized it's just that we don't see the point. We understand that Castiel is an angel and he believes baptizing Samantha will help her be accepted by God. However, Dean and I still don't completely believe in God. You would think that interacting with angels and going to Hell would make us believe in God, but it doesn't.

Castiel has given us many lectures on why Samantha needs to be baptized, but it isn't convincing Dean and I. I can see Castiel getting angry with us, but he tries to hide it because wrath is a sin. When I told him our reasoning he couldn't believe us. He had to take a few breaths before he asked why we didn't believe in God. We couldn't explain it in terms he understood.

Everyday Castiel shows up to ask us if we've changed our minds. He's quoted _The Bible_ several times to get his point across. He can quote it as many times as he would like it doesn't mean that Dean and I are going to give in. He is trying to convince the two most stubborn people. Until Dean and I see God in front of us we won't believe he exists.

In a way I feel that we should just baptize her to make Castiel happy, but what church would we go to? I don't know which religion I would want her baptized as. I know I wouldn't want to go to the Catholic Church. Catholics scare me. They are overly religious. I'm going to have to give it some thought before I go through with it.

May 3, 2011

Dean and I have decided to get Samantha baptized to make Castiel happy. We are having the ceremony this Friday. The church is some Presbyterian Church just down the street from our apartment. Castiel is very pleased with our decision. Sam is also very happy that we have decided to baptize Samantha. He admitted that he always felt she should be baptized, but didn't want to say anything because it wasn't his child. Speaking of Sam, we've asked him to be Samantha's godfather. He accepted right away.

May 7, 2011

Samantha didn't end up getting baptized. Right before the ceremony Dean and I got a visit from Anna. She was there to warn us not to allow Samantha to get baptized. This seemed a little weird seeing as how Anna is also an angel. She told us that there was a bigger reason for Castiel wanting us to get her baptized other than acceptance from God. Once Samantha is baptized her destiny to save humankind can officially go into place. Anna explained that Samantha is the human vessel for Metatron. At first I thought that was a name of a Transformer, but then Dean reminded me that Metatron was the name of Alan Rickman's character in _Dogma_. I realized he was right and then imagined our daughter speaking like Alan Rickman. Dean had to wave his hands in front of my face to get my attention.

Castiel was trying to convince us to baptize her so that she could officially become the vessel. Anna explained that humans couldn't become vessels until they are baptized. Once we become baptized the angel can recognize us as their vessel. This was great to find out right before we were about to get Samantha baptized. It didn't take long for Dean and I to change our minds about the ceremony.

Castiel was pretty upset when we delivered him the news about not baptizing Samantha. Dean and I decided to leave Anna out of our reasoning. Instead we told him that we just didn't think it was right to baptize her when we didn't truly believe in God. Castiel had to excuse himself so that he could calm himself down.

Sam and my father could tell that there was a different reason why we were going through with the ceremony. As soon as Castiel was out of the church we informed them of what Anna told us. They both agreed with the decision Dean and I made. We told the minister about our change of mind and he tried to get us to reconsider, but we weren't going to budge.

Dean and I are very grateful that Anna told us about Samantha's destiny before we got her baptized. At the same time this made us very upset with Castiel. He lied to us about why he wanted Samantha baptized. He knew that if he told us the truth we would have told him to shove it. I'm afraid of what Dean is going to do to Castiel when he sees him again.

I don't know what to think right now. My daughter is a vessel for an angel. I hate this. I hate that her life is already ruined even though she isn't even a year old. She already has demons after her and now an angel wants to take over her body? I wish there was a way I could take this away. I wish there was a way for her to have a normal life.

May 9, 2011

Things have gone from bad to worse. It has been brought to my attention that Lucifer walks among us. He has been out of Hell for quite some time, but has stayed quiet this entire time. No one was informed of his rising. Neither demons nor angels knew that he was out of his chamber. He finally decided to show his face last night and it wasn't even in person.

I was in the middle of a peaceful dream about living a normal, happy life with Dean and Samantha when Lucifer decided to ruin it. Dean and I were at the park having a picnic while Samantha played with some friends. We were both happy. Then all of a sudden the sky turned very dark and gray. I turned to look at Dean, but he wasn't next to me anymore. Instead a guy in his mid-twenties that looked a little like James from _Twilight_, wearing a "Red Devils" jersey was sitting where Dean was. He greeted me and then said we needed to talk. I had no idea who he was so I decided to ask him. He said that he had many names, but the most known one is Satan. I was about to get up and run away, but he grabbed my arm and pulled me back down. He told me he wasn't going to hurt me. He just wanted to talk. This was the only way he could talk to me without anyone interrupting. I was a bit apprehensive at first, but I didn't feel like he was going to hurt me. If he wanted to hurt me he would've. He wouldn't be sitting next to me starting a conversation. After a few moments I finally asked him what he wanted.

He started out by thanking me for letting him free. I was utterly confused as to how I had anything to do with letting him out. I thought I was the one keeping him in Hell. Turns out I was misinformed. When I killed Lillith I didn't stop Lucifer from rising, I set him free. She knew what would work to push my buttons and knew that I would never kill her if I knew the truth. She said she needed my help with breaking one of the final seals and little did I know I did help her. I broke the final seal. I opened the door that released Lucifer. When he told me this bit of information I did not know what to say. I was speechless and ashamed of myself. I should've known better. I was a demon for over a year and yet some how this bit of information swooped past me.

I was feeling so many emotions at once that I did not realize he had moved next to me. I was irate, humiliated, and puzzled at one time. I was just staring at the ground processing what he had just told me. After about a century of silence my thoughts finally started forming. I looked over at him and asked him why I was the special one that raised him from Hell. I'm just like any other human being. He disagreed. He cupped my cheek with his hand and said that I was more unique than I gave myself credit for. I let him keep his hand on my cheek, looked into his eyes, and asked him why. He said it was simply because of the demon and angel blood running through my veins. Angel blood? I had angel blood running through my veins? He explained that I was not like the other children Azazel had chosen. I was similar to them in every way but one. The night of my parents' death Azazel had bled in my mouth, but he had also poured angel blood in my mouth. However it wasn't just any angel's blood; it was Lucifer's blood.

I was even more speechless than when I found out I brought back Lucifer. I turned away from him and stared at the ground again collecting my thoughts. I tried to remember the night my parents died. I tried to remember the dream of when it happened. Lucifer ran his fingers down my arm and said that his blood runs through my veins and I am a part of him. I pulled my arm away from him and got up to walk away. I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare. I wondered why Dean wasn't waking me up. I had to be tossing and turning. Lucifer moved in front of me and told me not to fear him. I pushed him away from me and started running the other way.

I just wanted to get away from him. I wanted to go back to my happy dream. I was looking back to make sure he wasn't following me, but he was no longer behind me. He was right in front of me, but before I knew that I ran into him. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me tight. I tried to get him to let go of me, but he wouldn't loosen his grip. I finally gave up and went limp in his arms. He brought one of his hands towards my face while he kept one arm around me. Our faces were practically touching each other. I was trying my hardest to keep my distance from him. He stroked the right cheek with the back of his hand and said he could never hurt me because of this bond we shared. He then asked me why I thought I was brought back. He asked me if I really thought it was God that wanted me alive. I knew what he was implying. I didn't need him to answer it for me. He told me to think about it and then I woke up.

When I woke up it was already ten in the morning and Dean was out of bed. I wasn't sure what to say or think. I didn't know how I was going to tell Dean what I had just found out. I didn't know how I was going to tell anyone. I just sat there in bed processing everything. I didn't even realize how long had been sitting there thinking until Dean walked in to see if I was awake. He could tell that I had something on my mind. I didn't even acknowledge him walking into the room because I was in such deep thought. He had to start snapping his fingers and waving his hands in front of my face to get my attention. I finally looked up at him and greeted him. He sat down on the bed and asked what was on my mind. I don't know why, but I just told him that I was still thinking about what Anna told us about Samantha. He combed his hands through my hair and said that everything was going to be fine. I wanted to tell him about the conversation I just had with the devil, but for some reason I couldn't. I just agreed with Dean and got up to take a shower.

I was in the shower for about an hour thinking about what I had just learned. I had gotten as far as shampooing my hair when I started crying. I had raised Lucifer from the dead. I had brought the apocalypse to earth. On top of that I learned that I have his blood running through my veins and that it was probably Lucifer that brought me back. I couldn't stand for much longer and laid down in the bathtub with the showerhead running. The sound of the running water was drowning out the sound of my sobs. If Dean had heard me crying he would've been in the bathroom asking what was wrong. I wasn't sure if I would be able to tell him what was wrong. I wasn't sure I could tell any one what was wrong. After an hour of lying in the bathtub I finally decided it was time to get out. I had to continue living my life otherwise Dean would notice.

I got dressed and went out to the living room to find Samantha playing with her toys. She saw me walking out of my room and pulled herself up using the coffee table. My face just lit up when I saw her. I had almost forgotten about Lucifer. Dean was in the kitchen getting some lunch ready. I went over to Samantha and picked her up. She was smiling and giggling when I picked her up. I carried her over to the kitchen so I could say hello to Dean. Dean gave me a kiss and then said that lunch should be ready soon. I put Samantha down in her high chair and asked him what we were having. He had made us some macaroni and cheese. Nothing too special, but that was fine with me because I wasn't very hungry.

The three of us sat in the dining room and ate lunch all together. It was nice. Samantha was good and got most of her food in her mouth. While we were eating Dean asked me if I was feeling better. He could tell that I was distraught earlier and was worried. I told him that I was better, but he didn't really believe me. He could tell that there was something else on my mind. I put my hand on his and told him that I was fine. I just had a weird dream about everything and I was just thinking about it when he walked in. He asked me what the dream was about, but I just told him that it wasn't anything important. It was simply a dream.

I don't know why I can't bring myself to tell Dean about the conversation I had in my dream with Lucifer. It might have to do with the shame I feel. There isn't anything Dean can say to make that feeling go away. He can tell me that it isn't my fault and that I didn't know I would start the apocalypse, but either way it is my burden to bear. I think that might be part of the reason I have not said anything to him. He might also look at me differently when I tell him that I have Lucifer's blood in me. I have to tell somebody otherwise I might explode. But whom do I tell?

May 11, 2011

I figured out whom to talk to about the Lucifer thing. I didn't really think about it until I was tracing one of the scars on my arm. The scar was from the night Christina had tortured me. I remembered that Annabelle had saved me and that she was out in the world doing something. When she was alive I would tell her anything and everything. She was my best friend. She saved my life that night and has put her life on the line trying to get information about my family to save us. I haven't really reached out to her since she has been back. Granted she hasn't really been trying to get in contact with me, but that could just be because my house is sort of demon proof.

Anyways, I decided that I couldn't hold it in any longer and had to get in contact with her. I told Dean that I was going to go out for a walk. I went to an abandoned warehouse about three blocks from our place and summoned Annabelle. She looked rather surprised to see me. I told her that I needed to talk to her. I had found out some news and really needed someone to talk to. She looked concerned and asked what it was about. We sat down on a piece of equipment in the warehouse so I could talk to her.

Before I told her anything I made her promise not to say a word to Sam, Dean, or my father. She said that my secret was safe with her. I took a deep breath and then told her all about the dream. She didn't know what to say after I told her everything. She asked if I was sure it was real and not just a dream. I knew it was real. I've been in this business long enough to know when something is a dream and when it is real. She admitted that she had no idea that Lucifer was on earth. She said that there has been no discussion about it between demons. She also admitted that she knew nothing about Lucifer's blood being in my veins. She said there are probably upper level demons that know, but the lower level ones are clueless.

After a few moments I finally asked her what she thought I should do. She asked me if I was going to tell Dean, Sam, or my father. I wasn't sure how I was going to tell them. I knew I should, but I didn't want to. She understood why I wouldn't want to tell them, but she said that I had to tell them. They need to know that Lucifer has risen and that I could be in trouble. She said that she would stand by my side when I tell them. She would help me explain. Annabelle could see how distraught I was about everything and pulled me in for a hug. While she was hugging me she reminded me how strong I am. She reminded me that I survived Hell and fought demons tougher than this. She said I am strong enough to tell Dean, Sam, and my father what Lucifer told me. I knew she was right. And knowing that she will be by my side when I tell them really helps. I broke off our embrace and thanked her. She said she was just happy to see that I summoned her to talk about this. Before she left I told her that I would give her a call when I'm about to tell the guys about Lucifer. She said she would be waiting by the phone and then she vanished.

It felt so good having someone to talk to. I felt so much better when I got home. Dean could tell that I was in a better mood. I told him that it was a really nice walk. That night I told Dean that there was something very important I needed to tell him, Sam, and my father. I told him that I wanted to tell all of them at the same time. Dean wanted me to tell him what it was, but I wasn't going to let him know. He kept asking for a hint, but I just told him to wait.

So tomorrow I should be telling them the big news. I called my father and told him I would be stopping by to tell him something. He was just as curious as Dean, but said that he would wait. I had him tell Sam too. I'm really nervous. Having Annabelle there will hopefully cool the nerves.

May 13, 2011

So Sam, Dean, and my father all know about Lucifer. It got very interesting at my father's house after I told them.

Around three in the afternoon Dean, Samantha, and I went over to my father's house. Annabelle wasn't there when we had arrived and I needed her there to support me. I had given her a call last night and she promised she would be here. I tried my hardest to prolong telling them the news hoping she would arrive soon. I kept bringing up current news and would try to get their opinions on it, but it didn't work for very long. They could all tell that I was putting off the news. This just made them more nervous about what I was going to tell them.

After about an hour of beating around the bush Dean finally had enough and said to just get to the news. Annabelle still hadn't shown up and I was getting nervous as to where she was. I was hoping that nothing had happened to her. However I knew that I had to get the information out. I was strong enough to tell them without her there, but I would feel stronger having her there.

My father sat at his desk while Sam and Dean sat in the chairs in front of it. They all sat there staring at me waiting to hear what I had to say. I was shaking like a prostitute in church I was so nervous. I looked at the back door one last time before taking a deep breath. I told them not to say a word until I was finished telling them everything. Each one looked at me concerned and promised to keep their mouths shut.

I started by explaining the dream I was having. It was a happy dream, but it turned into a nightmare. As I was telling them about the guy appearing in my dream, I heard someone standing behind me. All three guys were looking behind me. I turned around and saw Annabelle standing in the middle of the kitchen. She apologized for being late and then stood next to me. Dean and Sam just stared at her wanting an explanation as to why she was there. Before they could ask anything I told them that she was there to support me. Dean was going to say something in response when my father cut him off. He wanted me to get to the reason I had called the meeting. Annabelle moved to the ledge by the window and told me to continue.

I felt so much more confident having Annabelle in the room. I gave her a quick smile and then repeated the last bit of information I gave them about the dream. I was telling them how the guy wanted to talk to me about something important. I was about to tell them it was Lucifer when I felt a brush of cold wind on my back. I knew that another person had joined our conversation. I didn't even have to turn around to know it was Castiel. He said that he got a message to be at my father's house for some very important news. All of us were confused as to who gave him the message, all of us except Annabelle. She thought it was vital that he hear this information. Castiel pulled a chair out from the kitchen and sat on the other side of the room from Annabelle. He didn't want to be near a demon.

As soon as Castiel was situated I continued from where I left off. I took a deep breath and explained that the guy introduced himself as Lucifer. He wanted to talk to me in private and my dreams were the only place he could get to me without interruptions. They all just stared at me waiting for me to continue. This was when I froze. I didn't want to go on because I was still ashamed of myself and I didn't want to see their faces of shame on top of it. Annabelle got up and came over to help me. She put her hand on my back and told me to tell them. She said they had to know the truth. I nodded, turned to look at them, and told them that Lucifer has risen.

Their mouths flew open from shock so quickly. After a moment of shock Sam finally asked me how. Annabelle kept her hand on my back because she knew this part was going to be the hardest. I looked down at the floor and explained how I had let him free. Lillith tricked me and I broke the final seal. I was trying so hard to fight back the tears that were forming in my eyes. My father, Castiel and Dean were astonished, but Sam could see how distraught I was and got up to give me a hug. He said that it wasn't my fault because I had no idea that would happen. I thought I was doing the right thing. That didn't help me feel any better, but I thanked Sam and told him I wasn't done.

He sat back down and they all looked back up at me. I didn't take my time telling this bit of news. I decided I was just going to say it and get it over with. I wasn't sure who to look at when I said this part so I just stared at the wall. I told them that on top of raising Lucifer from Hell I found out that I have his blood running through my veins. They all asked me, "What?" in unison. I repeated what I had said and then elaborated on it.

Then I explained that it probably wasn't God that requested me out of Hell but Lucifer. Castiel started shaking his head at this part. He said that the orders came from God. I asked him how certain he was. He said he was one hundred percent certain, but I could see the doubt in his eyes. We could all see the doubt in his eyes. Sam got up and asked Castiel if he was willing to put money on it. Castiel was getting nervous. He told Sam no and then vanished.

Sam turned around towards me and asked if there was anything else. I couldn't think of anything else and shook my head. He said that was good because he wasn't sure how much more he could take in one sitting and then pulled me in for another hug. As we were hugging I glanced over at Dean because he hadn't said a single word. I could tell he was still processing everything I had told him, but it usually didn't take him this long to process. He was more in shock than I was. I really wanted to hear his thoughts on the issue and wanted him to be giving me the comforting hug. Sam seemed to be the only one taking the news well. My father didn't seem to be as bad at Dean, but he was just as speechless. I could tell he was trying to figure out what it all meant where as Dean was just replaying everything I had said over and over again.

After Sam and I broke our embrace my father finally stood up from behind his desk and said that he needed a drink. It was the first thing he had said since I started talking. Sam agreed with my father and they both left to look through my dad's liquor cabinet. Dean just sat on the chair staring at the floor thinking about everything. I knelt down so that I was eye level with him, but he didn't even acknowledge me. His face was completely emotionless.

I was about to cup his cheek in my hand when Sam and my father walked in with a bottle of whiskey and some glasses. Sam came over to me and handed me one of the empty glasses. He figured I would want a drink too. I thanked him and then pulled up a chair so that I was right next to Dean. My father filled up our glasses and we started drinking. Dean was still in a daze and Sam was really getting worried. I told Sam that he would be fine and then put my hand in Dean's.

Annabelle stood uncomfortably in the back. She was about to sneak out the back door when I caught her just in time. I ran after her. I didn't want her leaving before I thanked her. I wouldn't have been able to tell Sam, Dean, or my father the news without her backing me up. I gave her a hug and thanked her for everything. She accepted the thanks and then reminded me to stay strong and to call her if I needed to talk. Then she left. It was back just me and the boys, and Samantha. We had left her in her playpen in my dad's living room while I told them the information.

When I came back into my dad's office I could tell that they were just talking about me. Sam and my father got really quiet and just stared at each other. After a few seconds of them just staring at each other I had had enough. I could tell that they wanted to continue talking about me behind my back. Whatever they wanted to say they could say it to my face. I told them that if they wanted to continue their conversation I would gladly leave. I stood there for a few seconds waiting for their responses, but they didn't say anything. I took it that they wanted me to leave so I turned around and walked out the back door. I ran to the shed in our salvage yard to get away from them.

I was pissed and needed to do something to cool off. I stood there in the shed looking for something that would cool my nerves when I spotted a crow bar. I walk over to it and picked it up. I started thinking about all the crap I've had to deal with in my life and became blind with rage. Before I realized what I was doing I had already smashed in most of the windows of the car in front of me. I didn't care anymore and just continued beating the car with the crowbar.

Little did I know Sam, Dean, and my father had heard the noise I was making and came out to check on me. They were all standing at the front of the shed in shock. I had never acted like this before. I didn't even know how long they were standing there watching me. Once I saw the looks on their faces I stopped what I was doing. I didn't even realize how much damage I had done to the car. All the windows and lights were smashed in and there were dents all over the body of the car where I had smashed it with the crowbar. I dropped to my knees and started crying. I kept saying over and over how messed up I was.

Dean immediately came over to me to comfort me. He was back to his normal self. He pulled me into him and told me I was wrong. He said we would figure everything out and everything will be fine. I pushed him away from me and asked him what there was to figure out. Lucifer was alive because of me and I have his blood running through my veins. It sounded pretty simple to me. Dean tried to reassure me by saying that raising Lucifer was not my fault and that I thought I was doing the right thing by killing Lillith. I got up and started walking away from Dean. I told him that he didn't get it and started walking into the house. He followed behind me and asked me to explain it to him so that he would understand. I stopped walking and turned to look at him. I lost my temper and yelled at him that he would never understand. I then turned back around and ran into the house. I grabbed the bottle of whiskey my father had left out and went upstairs to my old bedroom.

I didn't want to be bothered so I shut and locked the door. I could hear Dean yelling at Sam downstairs to get out of his way. Sam knew that I wanted to be left alone. My father eventually joined in and convinced Dean to stay away from me for the time being. They both knew that I was not myself. Even though Dean and I have been together for a while he has never seen me act like this. My father is the only one who truly knows how to deal with my moods. He knows when I need to be left alone.

I sat down against the wall where my bed used to be and started drinking the whiskey I had brought up with me. After about a half hour of sitting there I decided to rip up the floorboards where I had put my old journals. I needed a reminder of when things were much simpler. I pulled out the very first one I had written. I was so naïve back then. When I got to the part about my relationship with Sam I started smiling. He was a great first boyfriend. I was reminded of how he treated me and how much he loved me. I had forgotten how in love we were.

I finished the first journal and started reading the next one. This was a mistake. I should've known better. I had forgotten how miserable my life was in 2002. I got through maybe half of it before I really started drinking from the bottle. When I started the journal I had over half the bottle left and I finished it when I got to the part about Azazel killing my baby. I was definitely feeling the effects of the booze because I could no longer read. I was seeing two of every line. It didn't help that I had tears forming in my eyes. I shut the journal and pushed it away from me. I curled up on the floor and just cried until I passed out. I didn't wake up until the morning.

I was so hungover when I woke up. It didn't help that the sun was shining right on my face. I scooted away from it and just sat against the wall waiting for the hangover to go away, but soon it wasn't just my head that hurt. I could feel the vomit forcing its way up. I got up so fast and bolted for the bathroom. I made it there just in time. Dean must've heard me because within a few minutes he was standing by the door with a glass of water for me. Once I was done removing the remnants from the night before from my body Dean helped me get up and handed me the glass of water. I could tell that he wanted to say some smart-ass comments about my hangover, but he held back. He was afraid that I would bite his head off again. As I was drinking the water he searched the cabinets for a toothbrush and toothpaste. He finally found an unopened toothbrush and some toothpaste and handed them to me. We hadn't even said anything to each other the entire time, but he knew how to take care of me. I knew that he loved me and would take care of me no matter what.

Once my teeth were clean I turned on the shower. Dean was about to leave to give me privacy, but I stopped him and shut the door. I stood in front of it and asked him where my father and Sam were. He said they were both asleep because it was only six in the morning. I moved away from the door and said that was good because we wouldn't have to worry about them interrupting. Dean wasn't catching on to what I had on my mind. He started asking me what they would be interrupting when I started taking off my clothes to go into the shower. That was when he got the hint. Dean stood there frozen. When I finally had all my clothes off I gave him a kiss and asked if he was going to join. He nodded slowly and started taking his shirt off very slowly. I got into the shower and waited for Dean to join me. It only took him about a minute to get into the shower with me. Once he was in the shower I turned to face him and started kissing him. He still seemed a bit hesitant for some reason. Eventually he loosened up.

Things just started heating up when there was a knock at the door. It was Sam. He was checking up on me while I was in the shower. He asked me if I was okay. I shouted at him that I was fine and waited for him to go away so that Dean and I could continue things. We thought that he had left and started where we had left off when he knocked on the door again. He asked me if I had seen Dean because he wasn't downstairs. Dean smiled and waited for my response. After a long pause I told Sam that I hadn't seen him. Sam believed me and apologized for bothering me. Once we knew Sam was gone Dean called me a bad girl for lying and then he made me feel even more like a bad girl. We finally got out of the shower about a half hour later. We got dressed and went downstairs.

We entered the kitchen to find my father feeding Samantha and Sam sitting at the kitchen table reading the newspaper. Once we walked in Sam looked up and saw Dean walking behind to me. I sat down in the chair next to Sam and told him that I found Dean. He could see that we were both freshly showered and figured out pretty quickly that Dean was in the shower with me when he had knocked on the door. Sam curled up his lip in disgust. Dean just smiled at how uncomfortable Sam looked. I couldn't help but join in. Dean and I enjoyed the moment for a little while until we finally decided it was time for some breakfast. We avoided the topic of my breakdown the entire morning.

Dean and I left my father's house shortly after breakfast. My father and Sam gave me a hug goodbye and then we were on our way. I could tell that Dean wanted to talk about Lucifer and my breakdown, but he didn't want to ruin my mood. I was staring out the window for most of the car ride until Dean put his arm around me and pulled me into him. He kissed me on the forehead and told me that he loves me. I put my hand on his leg and said that I loved him too. We stayed like that for the rest of the car ride home.

So things didn't go exactly like I had wanted them to go. I didn't think I would breakdown like I did. If I had seen myself I would have been scared. I can still see the fear in Dean's eyes when he looks at me. I wish I could go back to 2004 when life was so much simpler.

May 16, 2011

Due to the stress of recent events Dean and I have decided to go on "vacation." The reason I put vacation in quotes is because it really isn't a vacation. Tomorrow Dean and I are leaving first thing in the morning to go to Indiana for a hunt. I was a little hesitant at first because of Samantha, but Dean recommended that we get my dad to watch her. I wasn't too sure how I felt about leaving Samantha, but after much thought I decided it would be fine. My father will take great care of Samantha. When we asked my father to watch her he said yes in a heartbeat.

My father thinks that it is a good idea for us to get away for a while, but he doesn't understand why we are going on a hunt. Sam was also curious as to why we would go on a hunt. I think the main reason is that it gives us something else to think about besides Lucifer. I can tell that Dean is looking forward to getting back out on the road. He hasn't gone on a hunt since March and it wasn't even a real hunt. It turned out the entire hunt was a set up to split us up. Dean hasn't really told me what we are possibly hunting. He said he would tell me about it when we get there.

I'm looking forward to getting back out into the hunting world, but at the same time I'm a little scared. I haven't been on a hunt since before Samantha was born. I know I'm going to be rusty. The other thing that scares me is leaving Samantha here in South Dakota. I know she will be in good hands, but it still scares me.

May 18, 2011

So we got to Indiana safe and sound. We are staying in a small town just outside of Indianapolis. As soon as we got here I gave my father a call to check on Samantha. He told me she was in good hands and was acting perfectly fine. It is weird being so far away from her. Dean could see how nervous I was so he suggested we go to the bar down the street to relax. It did help with the nerves. We had some beers and played some pool. It was a lot of fun. We called it a night around one in the morning.

When we woke up this morning it was down to business. Dean informed me of what we might be dealing with. He thinks that it is most likely vampires. All the killings are happening late at night and the victims are being drained of blood. We had to be sure so we went to the morgue to inspect the bodies.

It is a lot easier for me to lie now about my true identity than it was when I first went on hunts with Dean. After pretending to be someone else for over a year I have become an experienced con artist. Dean and I walked into the morgue in our business suits and flashed our fake FBI badges at the ditzy blond sitting at the front desk. She didn't even question why we were there. She just let us in and let us have a look at the bodies.

The trip to the morgue was a success. It turned out Dean's prediction was correct. We are indeed dealing with vampires. We just have to figure out where they are hiding and kill them. One nice thing about it being vampires is we already know how to kill them. The only problem is they blend in with every day people. Dean and I are going to have to find them. We are going to split up tonight and go to all the bars in the area to find out if they know anything.

May 19, 2011

We know where the vampires are staying, but we are going to have to plan our attack because there are a lot of them. There are about fifteen vampires in one place. They are staying on a farm about ten minutes from our motel. Dean and I staked out the place earlier this morning and found that they had about five humans held hostage inside. They are draining these humans slowly and possibly turning them. Knowing that their lives are in jeopardy means that Dean and I need to work on a plan as quick as possible. I think our best option is to go in to the barn during the day because we know that they will be asleep. As long as we make their deaths quick and silent we should be able to kill the majority before the rest hear us and start fighting.

May 21, 2011

I ran my idea past Dean and he liked it. We sharpened our machetes and loaded the Colt before we left. We made a pit stop before going to the farm to get some dead man's blood. We filled several syringes with the blood. We arrived at the farm around eight in the morning and waited another hour before entering the barn.

Dean entered the barn first to make sure we were clear to enter. We walked in and saw about seven vampires sleeping on make shift beds of hay. Dean and I each picked our first victim and walked quietly over to them. We each held our machetes over our heads. We gave each other one last smile before we started cutting off heads.

We got through the first five without a fight, but the other two in the room heard us and woke up ready to fight. One came towards me while the other went for Dean. All the rage I had stored up took over and before I knew it I had killed both vampires. I wiped the blood on the machete off on my jeans and continued to the next room of vampires. Dean looked like he was a bit scared of me. I was in the zone and it felt amazing killing those sons of bitches.

As we were walking down the hall to the next set of rooms one of the vampires was exiting a room when she spotted us. She ran towards us with her fangs showing. I got the machete ready and with one quick swoop I cut her head off. I didn't even hesitate. Dean was impressed, but also a little concerned about my behavior. After I was done wiping the blood on my jeans again we noticed the rest of the vampires were coming out of their rooms. Our attack wasn't much of a surprise anymore. Dean and I looked at each other knowing full well that it was time to start fighting. We lifted up our machetes ready to fight.

We underestimated how many vampires were in the barn. We had counted only fifteen, but it turned out that there were more like thirty. There were only eight dead by the time Dean and I had made our way to the rest of the barn. About twenty vampires were coming at us at once. The first six vampires that came towards us were easy kills, but the other fourteen were a bit more complicated.

After much of a fight they were all dead, but I noticed that I was alone. Dean was nowhere in sight. I looked at the headless bodies around me, but couldn't find Dean. I started shouting for him, but he wasn't responding. I started freaking out and went to the worst thought of him dead. I told myself to snap out of it and look for Dean. He had to be somewhere in that barn.

I quietly went down the hallway of rooms again. I would open up the doors to the rooms slowly and peek in to see if Dean was there. I had gone through all the rooms, but Dean was not in any of them. I told myself to stay calm and keep looking for him. I stood at the end of the hallway trying to think of where he could be when a light on the floorboards caught my attention. At first I thought it was coming from the window, but after staring at it I realized it was coming from below the floor. I figured that probably meant there was a room below the floor. I hadn't seen a basement door so it must've been a secret room. I had a feeling that Dean was probably down there. I was going to shout to see if he responded back, but I decided against it. If there were vampires down there with him they would hear me and probably take me too. It would also ruin the element of surprise when I kill their asses.

I started walking on the floorboards paying attention to each board I would walk on. I had to find the door that lead to the room below me. I walked about fifteen feet when I finally felt what I had been waiting for. I was definitely standing on the door. I looked around to make sure there were no live vampires coming at me and saw that the coast was clear. I lifted up the door and saw a ten-foot ladder that lead to a tunnel. I took a deep breath and went down the ladder.

When I got to the bottom I held the machete ready to swing at anything that came at me. I walked as quickly and quietly as I could to the end of the tunnel. At the end of the tunnel was a door. I had no idea what was behind the door, but there was only one way to find out. I was about to open the door when someone pulled me by my hair. It was one inadequate vampire. He pinned me against the wall thinking he had a chance at sucking my blood. He was about the bite my neck when I pulled out the syringe of dead man's blood I had in my pocket. I stabbed it into his neck and dispensed the ingredients into him. He screamed in pain and fell to the ground. I grabbed the machete I had dropped and cut his head off. I then proceeded to open the door. I hoped that Dean was behind the door.

Dean was indeed in the room behind the door. He was tied to a chair in the middle of the room with a gag in his mouth. When he saw me walk into the room he was relieved to see me. I asked him if we were alone and he nodded his head. I ran over to him, dropped the machete by his feet, and started untying him. As I was untying him I heard someone walk in. I looked up at Dean and saw the fear in his eyes. I was about to grab the machete when I got pulled back by my hair again. I don't understand why people always go for my hair. It hurts like a bitch when they pull it. The person threw me across the room so I was as far away from Dean and the machete as possible. I hit my head on the wall and was stunned for a few seconds. The vampire started charging me during that moment while I was stunned.

When I came back to the world she was only two feet away from me. I rolled out of the way as quick as I could and got back on my feet. I ran back towards Dean and grabbed the machete. The vampire was right behind me when I turned around. I was about to cut her head off when she grabbed the machete out of my hands and shoved me. I fell right into Dean's lap weaponless. It only took me a second to remember that Dean had the Colt. I quickly searched for it and found it behind his back. I grabbed it and shot the vampire in the head. She dropped dead at our feet. Dean and I both gave a sigh of relief. I got up off Dean's lap and finished untying him.

As soon as he was untied he took the gag out of his mouth and asked me if I was okay. I hadn't realized how much blood was on me until he asked me. Some of the blood was mine, but the majority was from the vampires. I told him I was fine and then asked him the same question. He said he was good now. I nodded and then turned to walk out of the room because we weren't done yet. We still had to get the humans they were holding hostage out of the barn. Before I got too far from Dean he put his hand around my arm and pulled me back towards him. I turned around to see what he wanted when he gave me a kiss. I asked him what that was for and he said it was for saving his life. I knew he was just being a smart ass so I rolled my eyes at him and continued towards the door.

I climbed up the ladder first and Dean followed right behind me. When I climbed out of the hole in the ground I found the lead vampire standing in the middle of the room of dead vampires in shock. She was inspecting the dead when she finally looked up to see me coming out of the basement. I got the machete ready in my hand just in case she decided to attack. Dean jumped when he saw her standing in the room staring at me. He didn't know that she was there.

The woman glanced at Dean and recognized him. Dean had no idea who she was. She started walking towards him while telling him that his father killed her mate. Dean still had no idea who she was. I could see him trying to figure it out in his head. He was trying to remember when he fought vampires with his father. The woman kept walking closer to us while Dean was figuring out in his head how he knew her. I didn't like her getting so close to us so I held the machete out threatening to take her head off with it if she got any closer. However, she didn't seem threatened by it and continued walking towards us. I warned her that if she took one more step towards us then I would put the machete to good use. She glanced at me and told me to give it my best shot. I wasn't scared of her. I have fought much worse than her. She came towards me and I went in for the swing when she grabbed the machete out of my hands and snapped it in half. Dean just sat there in a daze trying to figure out who the woman was. Whoever she was she was a much better fighter than the other vampires in her nest.

I stood there in shock. She just broke my weapon. She gave me a big smile and then shoved me into the wall behind me. She went to punch me in the face, but I ducked out of the way and punched her in the stomach. I stood back up and continued punching her. I would duck and block every one of her punches. I was winning the fight until one of her punches made contact with my face. She had put all her weight into the punch. It didn't help that she was a vampire and already had super strength. Once the first punch made contact with my face it didn't seem like they stopped. She was kicking and punching me until I finally fell to the ground. She got on top of me and was about the punch me when Dean finally said her name. Her name was Kate. She looked up at Dean and nodded her head confirming her name to him. Once she was done nodding Dean shot her in the head with the Colt. She fell on top of me and Dean helped lift her off of me. I continued to lie on the ground for a few seconds longer to catch my breath.

Dean stood next to me waiting for me to catch my breath. When I finally sat up he put his hand out to help me up. As soon as I was standing up he started brushing the debris off of me. He asked me if I was ready to go back to the motel room to clean up, but I reminded him that we weren't finished. We still had to get the hostages out of the barn. He had forgotten about them. There were five people in the room and all of them had several bites on their bodies. We could tell that some had been there for days while there were two that had only been there for a few hours. When we walked in they were frightened by our appearance. Dean and I had quite a bit of blood on us. I especially had a lot of blood on my jeans from where I had wiped my machete clean. We promised them that we were there to save them. Luckily three of them could walk on their own. Dean and I helped the other two out of the barn.

When we got to the Impala we realized that we weren't all going to fit inside comfortably. I told Dean to drive the five victims to the hospital and then come back to get me. He was a little hesitant at first because he didn't want to leave me there. I didn't understand what he was afraid of. I can hold my own against a vampire and we had killed all of them. If there were any that we missed I had Dean's machete to protect me. Dean finally left me at the barn after five minutes of contemplation. Absolutely nothing happened while he was gone. I just sat in front of the barn playing with the machete for about an hour.

When Dean got back we went straight to the motel room to clean up. I didn't realize how much blood was on me until I looked in the mirror. It was pretty bad. It looked like I had just gone on a killing spree. That's basically what I did do. Granted they were vampires that were killing humans, but they were humans at one time too. I guess I had been staring in the mirror at myself for a while because Dean had to hit me on the shoulder to get my attention. He just wanted to know who was taking the first shower. I told him that I didn't care. He pulled me into him and said that we could always conserve water and shower together. I gave him a kiss and then told him that he could have the first shower. Dean could tell that I wasn't in the mood so he didn't put up a fight. Once we were both clean we passed out on the bed. We go back home tomorrow. I'm looking forward to seeing Samantha again. I missed her and I think Dean did too. I tried calling my dad earlier to tell him we were safe and to get a report on Samantha, but he didn't pick up. He was probably sleeping.

May 23, 2011

Yesterday's ride home was interesting. We were only on the road for about a half hour when Dean took an exit into Cicero, Indiana. I was confused because he didn't mention needing anything and he shouldn't need to use the bathroom yet. I asked him why we were stopping and he admitted that he had a friend that lived in the town that he hadn't seen in a long time. He looked nervous when he said friend, but I just went with it.

Once we pulled up to the house my cell phone went off. It was my father. I told Dean to go inside to visit with his friend while I talked to my dad. He gave me a quick kiss and then left the car. I answered the phone and asked my father about Samantha as I watched Dean go to the front door. I was curious as to whom we were visiting. I had a feeling it was a female and I was right.

I wasn't really listening to what my father was saying on the other line because I was too busy watching Dean's interaction with the woman. Once she opened the door and saw Dean she had the biggest smile on her face. I could tell that they had a history. I couldn't blame Dean for liking her because she was beautiful. She had long, black hair that had a slight curl to it and she looked to be about the same age as Dean. She eventually pulled Dean in for a hug and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Then they proceeded into her house.

My father could tell that I was distracted and started yelling in the phone to get my attention. Once I came back down to planet earth I asked my father if he knew who lived in Indiana that is a friend of Dean's. My father had no idea and told me to ask Sam. He handed the phone over to Sam so I could ask him. Sam had me explain her features to him so he could get a mental picture. Sam thought about it for about two minutes when he finally gave me a possible name. He said it was probably Lisa. He explained that Lisa was someone that Dean fooled around with twelve or thirteen years ago. I thanked Sam for telling me and then told him that Dean and I would be back later in the evening to pick up Samantha.

Once I hung up with Sam I got out of the car and went towards Lisa's house. I wasn't sure if I should just walk in or knock. I decided to be polite and knock. To my surprise a twelve or thirteen year old boy answered the door. He looked almost like Dean that it was uncanny. I was speechless because of how much he looked like Dean. Who was this kid? Why did he look just like Dean? Was he Dean's son? I had been staring at the kid thinking about all of this when he was officially crept out. He started waving his hands in front of my face and asking what I wanted. I snapped out of it and explained to him that I was with Dean. He nodded and then led me to the living room.

Dean was sitting on the couch across from whom I assumed was Lisa. Dean nervously introduced me to Lisa when I walked into the room. She gave me a huge smile and shook my hand. Dean scooted over on the couch so I could sit down next to him. As soon as I sat down Lisa and Dean went back to their conversation. I felt like I didn't exist. I might as well have stayed in the car. I tried to join in the conversation, but I would soon be spoken over by Lisa.

Eventually Lisa's son, Ben, came down to join the conversation. Dean started asking him about school and what he had been up to since they last saw each other. I kept watching Ben the entire time he was sitting with us because of his similarities to Dean. Their mannerisms are identical. I couldn't help but wonder if he was Dean's son. The way Dean talked to him and looked at him really concerned me. I just sat there wondering if Dean already had a kid with somebody else. I just sat there wondering why Dean really wanted to stop to see them. I could tell that Lisa and Ben meant something to Dean.

After sitting there for about two hours Dean finally said it was time for us to leave. Dean hugged both Lisa and Ben goodbye while I just shook Lisa's hand. I didn't know what to say to Dean the entire car ride home. I just pretended like I was asleep during most of it, but I think Dean could tell that something was on my mind. Usually when I sleep in the car I lean against him some way, but this time I was leaning against the window. I was putting as much space between the two of us as I could in the car. Dean would try to put his hand on my leg or around my shoulders, but I could tell that it was awkward for him because of how far away I was from him.

As soon as we got to my father's home I got out of the car and went inside. I didn't even wait for Dean. I wasn't mad at him I was just confused and needed to talk to Sam. Sam was sitting on the couch watching television when I walked in. I just looked at him and he knew I needed to talk to him. I continued walking to the basement and Sam followed me. When we got to the bottom of the stairs I asked him about Ben. Sam assured me that Ben was not Dean's son. He explained that Ben's father was some other guy that Lisa met in a biker bar around the same time that she hooked up with Dean. I told Sam about how worried I was that Dean had another child and then told him how Dean and Lisa were acting towards one another. Sam just stood there listening. He let me vent about everything. It felt good.

When I finished venting Sam pulled me in for hug. As we were hugging he told me that I had nothing to worry about because Dean loved me. Sam was about the break the hug, but I didn't want to let go. It felt good being in Sam's strong arms. I forget sometimes what Sam smells like and it is very rare when I am reminded. Sam and Dean smell very different from one another. Sam has a clean smell like soap or laundry detergent while Dean has a muskier smell. Sam and I didn't realize that Dean was watching us from the top of the stairs until he said how cute Sam and I were hugging each other. Once Sam and I broke our embrace Dean apologized for ruining the moment and then walked away. Sam and I immediately ran up after him, but he was already in his car driving away. I didn't understand why he was so upset. It's not like he caught us cheating on him we were just hugging.

My father must've heard the commotion going on because he came out of the shed to find out what happened. Sam and I both started explaining to my father what happened. I told him about our trip to Lisa's and how I was venting to Sam. Sam gave me a hug and Dean walked in on it. My father wanted to know what kind of hug it was. I wasn't sure why that mattered, but Sam and I reenacted the hug. My father nodded and said that it made sense. Sam and I were both confused. We didn't understand why Dean got so upset over a hug. My father called both of us idjits and then explained that Dean worries about losing me to Sam. He worries that one day I'll realize I chose the wrong Winchester and leave him. My father continued and said that how I felt at Lisa's is how Dean feels every time I'm around Sam. It made so much sense after my father explained it.

I sat and waited in the living room for Dean to come back. I had to apologize to him. He finally came back about three hours later. As soon as he walked in the door I greeted him. He looked a lot calmer which was good. I gave him a kiss and apologized. I explained to him that I understood why he was upset. He accepted my apology and said that he forgets sometimes why I am with him instead of Sam. Sam is sensitive and caring while Dean is not. I wasn't sure how to explain to Dean why I chose him over Sam. I simply don't love Sam the way that I love Dean. I also will never forget how Sam broke my heart.

Shortly after our conversation Dean and I got our things together and went back to our apartment with Samantha. It felt good being back home. Sleeping in our own bed felt amazing. The hunt was exactly what we needed.


	16. Year 2011 pt 3

Newest Entry- June 26, 2011

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June 3, 2011

Guess who's been making a nightly appearance in my dreams for the past week? The one and only devil. He's been visiting to tell me more and more about mine and Sam's destinies. According to Lucifer Sam is his vessel, but I am his vessel as well. I am the backup plan. If Sam is unable or unwilling to allow Lucifer into his body then I am next in line. I am basically Sam's understudy. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. That's the whole reason I was brought back? Because I am Lucifer's backup plan?

Then last night the information he told me goes against what Castiel told me. Lucifer explained to me that I was in a relationship with the wrong Winchester. Sam and I are destined for one another. Azazel did everything he could to get us together the summer before Sam went off to college. He made sure that Sam ended up at my father's house and got my father out of the house. Once Azazel saw that Sam and I were in love he made the mistake of letting us out of his sight for a few months. It was during that time that Jess moved in and ruined everything. Azazel was pissed and decided to kill our son out of anger at himself. However, killing Robert had a reverse affect and drew me towards Dean. When Azazel found out about Dean and me getting married he had to put a stop to it. He knew that if he made me believe that Dean was going to be killed then I would leave.

This didn't make any sense to me seeing as how Castiel told me that Dean and I are meant to be together. Lucifer asked me why I thought Sam never had a successful relationship after he was with me. Every relationship he has been in has failed for a reason. He told me to really think about whom I love more, Sam or Dean. I was about to answer the obvious, Dean, but he stopped me and told me to really think about it. Then I woke up.

When I walked out into the living room Sam was sitting on the couch watching Samantha play with her toys. He could tell by the look on my face that something was up. I sat down next to him on the couch so I could tell him about what Lucifer has been telling me. I started telling him about the dreams when he cut me off. He told me that Lucifer has been visiting him as well. Sam has been told everything I have been told. Once Sam told me that I had to know what he thought about everything. I had to know what he thought about our destinies being intertwined.

He admitted that he didn't know what to think about it all. Obviously he doesn't want to allow Lucifer to take over his body. However, if he doesn't say yes then it will be turned to me and Sam doesn't want that to happen either. He thinks there has to be some other way to get Lucifer back in Hell. He will figure out a way to get us out of this mess without having to say yes to Lucifer. Sam took my hand in his and said that he will never let me say yes to Lucifer. He promised me that he will only say yes if it comes down to me having to say yes. He is willing to sacrifice himself for me. I didn't know what to say. I don't want Sam to do that for me, but there is no point in arguing with him. I know that he will make sure he says yes before me.

After we got that part out of the way I knew we had to talk about the other part of our destinies. The part about how we were meant to be together. Sam didn't really know what to say about this part. I could tell that it made him uncomfortable. I am his brother's wife and the mother of his niece. He knows what it would do to Dean if I left him for Sam. Plus I love Dean more than anything. I could never leave him for Sam. Sam knows that. Sam finally told me to screw Lucifer and his plans for us. He said that we make our own destinies. I was about to say something when Dean came in from his trip to the grocery store.

I don't know what to think any more. This past month has been a total nightmare. All I want is to live a normal, happy life. I don't even know what that means anymore. I cannot remember what it means to be normal. If I ever even knew what it meant. All I want to know is, why me? Why was I chosen to live this life? Why did John Winchester save me from the house fire? Why did Bobby Singer take me in? Did it happen by mistake or was it part of some master plan?

I need to talk to Castiel. I need him to explain why he lied to me about my fate with Dean. Why did he tell me that I was destined to be with Dean when I'm really supposed to be with Sam?

June 5, 2011

I am even more confused now. I talked to Castiel about what Lucifer told me about my destiny and got a different answer from him. He admitted that it was true about me being the backup vessel for Lucifer and about Sam and I being together. I asked him why he lied to me about my relationship with Dean. He looked confused and said that he never lied to me. He only said that Dean and I were meant to be together to create Samantha, the vessel for Metatron. He never said that we were soul mates. I asked who my soul mate was if it wasn't Dean. I had a feeling what the answer was going to be, but I had to hear it from Castiel. He told me I knew the answer already. Lucifer already told me the answer.

I didn't know what to think after I talked to Castiel so I gave Annabelle a call. I had her meet me at the same warehouse we met at before. I told her everything and asked her what I should do about Sam. She was about to ask me who I loved more, but I cut her off. I'm sick and tired of people asking who I love more. I will of course say Dean, but I love Sam too. I would honestly die for both of them. I may say that I could never love Sam because of how he cheated on me, but I forgave him a long time ago for that. I know that Sam has never moved on and honestly a part of me hasn't either.

However, I could never leave Dean. He's always been scared of losing me to Sam and with good reason. I cannot tell him that Sam and I are soul mates. Nonetheless, he deserves to know. If he does know the truth he is not going to let Sam anywhere near me.

Annabelle didn't really know what to tell me. She hasn't been in enough relationships to give me solid advice. She told me to talk to my father because he will be able to give me better advice. I thanked her anyways and then left for my father's house.

My father wasn't much help either. He didn't seem too surprised that Sam and I are soul mates. He had a feeling that there was something special about our relationship when we first met. At first I thought he was talking about Thanksgiving, but I soon learned about the first time Sam and I really met. It was shortly after John rescued me and Bobby had taken me in.

John had left the boys with Bobby while he went off on a hunt. Sam was only two years old, but he was so gentle with me. He would always want to be in the same room as me. Sam even climbed into my crib one night so that he could sleep with me. On top of that my face would light up whenever Sam was by me and I would reach out for him. Sam would know what I wanted as soon as I would start crying. John, Dean, and my father joked around that we were boyfriend and girlfriend. This went on for a good year or so until John stopped visiting with the boys. I didn't know what to think after my father told me this.

I asked my father who he thought I should be with. I wanted to know who he thought I was happier with. Nobody else has witnessed me when dating Sam and Dean besides my father. My father wouldn't answer the question. He told me that I am the only one that can answer that. He did advice me to tell Dean about what was going on. He said that Dean deserved to know the truth about his brother and wife being soul mates. I'm not exactly sure how to bring that up to Dean. I'm afraid of what his reaction is going to be. His reaction can go either way. He will either get pissed off and storm out or he will be silent for a long time processing the information. I just have to get up the nerve to tell him.

June 7, 2011

I can't believe myself right now. In the midst of all this chaos I completely forgot that Samantha's birthday is coming up in a few days. She is going to be one years old. I can't believe that she is going to be one year already.

On top of that she has started walking. I didn't even notice when she took her first steps. Dean was the one that noticed. I was sitting on the couch processing everything when Dean came in from the kitchen to see Samantha walking. I didn't even act excited when he mentioned it. I just nodded and went back to thinking. That was when Dean knew something was up. A parent should be overjoyed when his or her child starts walking. It is a big deal.

Dean sat down next to me, put his hand on my thigh, and asked me what was wrong. He's noticed how distracted I've been lately. I told him it was nothing, but he didn't buy it. Dean knows me all too well. He brushed his hand against my cheek and asked me to tell him what's been on my mind. I sat there staring at my hands, biting my bottom lip. I wanted to tell him everything, but I just couldn't figure out the words. He moved his hand between mine. I could feel his eyes on the top of my head, but I couldn't bring my eyes to meet his. I took a deep breath before finally talking.

I looked into his beautiful green eyes, the same ones Samantha has, and saw all the love and worry that were behind them. I knew I couldn't tell him the truth about my destiny with Sam. That love may not remain. I know that is selfish, but I love Dean too much and I don't want to lose him because of something the angels told me. I finally told him that I've been thinking about how crappy our lives are. The apocalypse has begun and we are the only ones that can stop it. The battle between Heaven and Hell is now on earth and it is my entire fault. A lot of innocent people are going to die because of my mistake. I had to fight back tears after I told him this. Dean didn't really know what to say. I could tell that he wanted to say everything was going to okay, but he knew it wasn't.

I decided it was time to change the subject and mentioned that it was Samantha's birthday soon. I told him that we should have a little party for her. I wasn't sure who we were going to invite besides my father and Sam. Dean suggested that we invite Annabelle and Castiel. I was a bit surprised that he suggested Annabelle seeing as how she is a demon and wasn't exactly Dean's favorite person when she was alive. I wasn't going to disagree with him though because Annabelle is my best friend and she saved my life. I knew that inviting her would mean we couldn't have the party at our place.

I decided to give my father a call to see if we could have the party at his place. He was more than willing. He was wondering if we were going to do anything special for her birthday. I told him the guest list and he approved. He also mentioned that Jo and Ellen will be in town around that time so he could invite them if I was fine with it. I knew that meant they were staying at his house so they had to be there. I really didn't care if they were there I just know it is going to be weird with Jo. The last time I saw her she had cuts and bruises all over her body from me. I told him it was fine. I was about to hang up when he asked me if I told Dean the truth yet. I quickly told him I hadn't and didn't plan to. I hung up before he could say anything. I was excepting my father to call back immediately, but he didn't. I don't know how to interpret that.

I think I am going to make a cake for Samantha instead of buy one. I've baked before and how hard can it be to make a boxed cake. Dean would rather I make a pie, but that is more work. I told him that if he wanted a pie then he can make one. That got him to shut up. I'll probably just make a simple sheet cake with frosting. I don't have the tools or the skill to create a wonderful cake. Samantha won't know the difference it will just be cake to her.

June 12, 2011

Samantha's party was a hit. Dean and I arrived around two o'clock with Samantha. Everybody, but Annabelle, was already at my father's house. My father decorated his house with pink streamers and balloons. He also had princess party hats for everyone to wear. I don't know who it was funniest on, Sam, Dean, Castiel, or my father. My father put his on above his traditional trucker hat. Castiel didn't really understand the point of the hat, but he wore it anyways. Dean and Sam wore theirs because Samantha enjoyed seeing them with the hats on. Samantha wasn't very good with wearing the hat so she got to take hers off.

I was correct in thinking that things would be awkward between Jo and me. She kept her distance from me at the beginning of the party, but got more and more comfortable as the party progressed. Ellen didn't really pay attention to the awkwardness between her daughter and me. She just wanted to play with Samantha. She thought Samantha was just the sweetest, cutest baby.

My father served dinner around five o'clock. He kept it pretty informal by setting up a buffet in the kitchen and allowing guests to bring the food wherever they wanted to eat it. I wasn't sure who to eat with at first. Dean was sitting in the dining room with Samantha while Sam was sitting in my dad's office. They both waved at me to sit with them. I wasn't sure who I should sit with. I felt like this was God's way of testing me.

"Make up your mind now. Sam or Dean, who do you love more? Who do you sit with to eat? Whose company do you enjoy more? Decide!"

Luckily Ellen came to the rescue. She linked her arm in mine and invited me to eat dinner with her. I gladly accepted. We went into the living room to sit and eat. She started by telling me how great Samantha was and how proud I should be of her. I thanked her. Then she put her hand in mine and said that if I ever needed someone that is neutral to talk to that she was always available. I was confused at first, but I figured out pretty quickly that my father had shared some information about my life with her. I wasn't sure what all he had shared with her. I thanked her again and then asked her what she and Jo were doing in town. She said they were on a hunt about an hour away. She started telling me about the hunt while we ate our food. I listened to bits and pieces of it, but I kept wondering how much she knew about my life. When we finished eating she took my empty plate into the kitchen. I sat back on the couch and shut my eyes.

After about five minutes of sitting on the couch by myself I felt someone sit down next to me. The person sat awfully close to me and was leaning up against me. I thought I knew who it was until I opened my eyes. When I saw that it was Sam every part of me said to get up, but my body wouldn't move. I kept shouting at myself to move, but nothing was happening. A part of me knew that was where I belonged. My head moved to his shoulder while my eyes closed again.

I was so comfortable with Sam that I soon drifted off to sleep. Once I was asleep Lucifer wandered into my dream. I was observing myself and Sam sitting on the couch at my father's house from the stairway. I saw how perfect we looked together. Then I noticed Dean in the kitchen talking with my father. I became confused yet again about who I belonged with. That was when Lucifer showed up. He sat on the stair above mine. I could feel his knees near my back. He started telling me how he understood how hard it was for me to choose. I loved them both and they both loved me. He said he could make it easier for me. Then he snapped his fingers and Dean dropped to the floor gasping for air. I ran down the stairs so I could try to help Dean. I held him in my arms while he kept trying to breathe. Lucifer stood on the other side of his body watching. I started yelling at him to stop when Dean took his last breath. I rocked Dean's lifeless body in my arms while asking Lucifer why he was doing this. He bent down to my level and said that I had to accept my fate or else he will make me accept it. My eyes shot open after he said this.

When I opened my eyes my head was back on Sam's shoulder and I could hear everybody else talking in the kitchen. I moved my head off of his shoulder and sat up straight. Once Sam saw my face he knew something happened while I was asleep. He knew that Lucifer paid me a visit. Sam put a comforting hand on my back and asked me what Lucifer said. Continued looking straight ahead and repeated what Lucifer said word for word. Sam asked me what that meant. I knew he had a feeling what that meant, but he needed to hear it from me. I took a deep breath, turned towards Sam, and was about to tell him when Dean walked into the room. He saw how close Sam and I were and I could tell it made him angry. Sam and I scooted apart from one another while Dean told us that we were going to sing "Happy Birthday" to Samantha. Then he left to go into the kitchen while Sam and I got off the couch. I knew he was pissed, yet again.

When we walked into the kitchen Samantha was in her high chair. Ellen was standing next to her while Jo leaned against the counter. Castiel stood awkwardly by the door and my father was by the table getting the cake ready. Dean was leaning against the doorway between the kitchen and my dad's office. I went to hold his hand, but he moved his arm across his body. I know everybody saw him reject me, but they pretended like they didn't. My father lit the one candle on Samantha's cake and started singing.

Once Samantha blew out her candles Dean moved away from me. He wouldn't look at me. My father came over to stand next to me. He asked me why Dean was mad at me. He knew why. I rolled my eyes, shook my head, and walked out the back door. I had to get out of that house. No one really noticed that I left besides my father. They were all distracted by Samantha. I sat down on one of the junkyard cars and just stared at the ground. I kept replaying in my head what Lucifer said about accepting my fate. I sat outside by myself for about an hour. I could hear them all talking and laughing inside.

After going unnoticed for an hour Dean finally asked where I was because he wanted to go home. Samantha was tired and needed to go to sleep. My father told him that I stepped outside about an hour ago. I heard the backdoor open, but I just continued staring at the ground. I knew Dean spotted me sitting on the car. He shouted at me that we were leaving and then he went back into the house. My body wouldn't move. I kept telling myself to get off the car and go inside, but it wasn't happening. I heard him come back outside about ten minutes later. He shouted at me that we were leaving, again. I heard the frustration in his voice, but my body just wouldn't move. It was like I was paralyzed. He was already pissed off and this just made it worse. He started walking towards me while saying my name to get my attention. Each time he said my name the anger would increase. I just continued staring at the ground.

He was finally standing right in front of me. He said my name one last time and I finally snapped out of my trance. I looked up at him and saw all the anger on his face. He said that he has been calling my name for the past minute and told me ten minutes ago that it was time to leave. I nodded and said that I heard him. He asked me why I didn't respond, but I had no answer for him. I just shrugged my shoulders. This just infuriated him even more. Dean hates it when people shrug their shoulders.

He kicked the car next to me and shouted at me, "Damn it, Sophie! What the hell is wrong with you? You have been this other person since we got back from our hunt. Don't you dare say it is nothing or that it is the apocalypse! I'm not an idiot. There is something else going on inside that head of yours and I want to know what it is. I am your husband, talk to me."

I knew this was the time to finally tell him. I had to tell him everything from being Lucifer's backup plan to Sam and I being soul mates. I nodded and told Dean that he was right about something else going on. I instructed him to sit down and listen to everything I have to say because it was going to be a lot to take in. This made him nervous, but he did as I asked. I got up off the car so that he could sit on it. I had to stand while giving him the news so that way I could pace to keep my nerves down. I took a few moments to gather my thoughts. Before I started I took a deep breath and looked up towards my father's house. Sam was watching us through the kitchen window. He knew exactly what was going on. I gave him a quick nod so he knew he was right. Then I started telling Dean everything. Once I got started I knew I couldn't stop talking until it was all out.

Dean was taking everything pretty well until I got to the part about Sam and I. He got extremely pissed and punched the hood of the car. He clenched his jaw and shook his head. Dean started muttering under his breath, "I knew it." I tried to get close to him so I could tell him that I loved him, but he kept pushing me away from him. He eventually got up from the car and started walking towards my father's house. I followed him, but he was walking too fast for me to keep up. Sam was still watching us from inside the house, along with my father, Ellen, and Jo. I had no idea what Dean was going to do. When he walked past the back door and continued to the front I knew what he was doing. He was going to his car. I tried to catch up to him so I could stop him from leaving, but he was basically running for his car. He jumped in, started the engine, and drove off in a matter of seconds. I stood in the dust he had left behind.

After just a few seconds of standing there my emotions hit me like a ton of bricks. My knees gave out from under me and I fell to the ground. I didn't care that the gravel was digging into my bare legs. I put my face in my hands and just started crying. I didn't even notice my father and Sam come outside. My father sat down on the ground next to me and pulled me into his arms. He started rocking in his arms and stroking my hair. Sam stood at the top of the steps just watching us.

After about fifteen minutes of sitting in our driveway the weather decided to reflect my emotion. It was pouring outside and I didn't care. My father told me that we had to move inside, but my legs wouldn't work. Sam came down from the porch and helped pick me up so that we could all go inside and wait for Dean to get back. Sam put me on the couch. I rolled over so that my back was to everybody. My father told Sam that they should just let me be for right now. Ellen agreed and said that they should all call it a night and go up to bed. My father told me he would take care of Samantha and then they all left me alone.

It felt like forever, but I eventually drifted off to sleep. I woke up to the smell of bacon and the sound of people talking in the kitchen. I could hear Samantha giggling as Ellen gave her raspberries. I took a moment to gather myself before getting up. I looked out the front window to see if Dean had come back, but there was no sign of the Impala. I went upstairs to the bathroom to splash some water on my face and then went back downstairs. Ellen and my father had cooked a huge breakfast for all of us. Jo, Sam, and Samantha were already in the dining room waiting for the food. Sam and Jo were keeping Samantha distracted while they waited for food. When I walked in they acted like nothing was wrong, but I could see in their faces that they were feeling sorry for me.

I pulled a chair up so that I could sit by Samantha. She was happy to see me. As soon as I sat down my father and Ellen came in with breakfast. They both said good morning to me and then my father said there was coffee in the kitchen. Everybody sat and ate breakfast without saying a word about Dean. I know they all wanted to say something. I just focused all my attention on Samantha because she had no idea what was going on.

It has now been over twenty four hours since Dean left. I have no idea where he went. I keep calling him, but he doesn't pick up. I know he presses the ignore button because of how quickly it goes to voicemail. Sam and my father have tried calling him too, but he won't answer. I've asked Castiel where he is, but he won't tell me. I tried checking our apartment for clues, but he hasn't made a single trip there. My father said I can stay at his house for as long as I need. I just want Dean back.

June 21, 2011

Well I know where Dean is thanks to Annabelle. It took her a few days to track him down, but as soon as she found him she let me know. The past week has been almost impossible to get through. If it weren't for Samantha, Sam, and my father I would have gone completely mad. I know I shouldn't seek comfort from Sam, but I don't really have anyone else. Samantha has been great through all of this too. It is like she can tell I need her to be on her best behavior right now.

Anyways, a couple days ago Annabelle gave me a call and told me to meet her at our usual spot. When I met up with her she said she knew Dean's location. She warned me that I wouldn't be too pleased with it. I didn't really care I wanted to know where he was and that he was safe. She finally told me that he went to Lisa's house. He's been staying over there and seeking comfort from her. I wasn't sure how to take this news, but I knew I had to see for myself. I called up Sam and my father once I finished talking with Annabelle and told them where Dean was. My father said he would watch Samantha while Sam and I go to check it out. I wasn't sure how good it would be for Sam and me to show up, but I didn't want to go by myself.

As soon as I got to my father's house Sam hopped in the car and my father took Samantha out. It took Sam and me about ten hours to get to Lisa's house. Unfortunately it was about two in the morning so there wasn't much going on. Sam and I decided to get a room at the nearest motel.

We got up around eight in the morning to stake out Lisa's house. Sam and I rented a car so that way it would be harder for Dean to spot us. He would notice my Mustang right away. Dean's Impala was parked in the driveway so I knew he was at her place. Sam and I sat outside waiting to see Dean for about three hours. He finally stepped outside with Ben and Lisa. Ben was dressed in a baseball uniform and was carrying a mitt and bat. It was obvious he was going to a baseball game. All three of them got into the Impala and Dean drove them to the park.

Sam and I followed them from a distance and watched as they got out of the car. Ben ran over to his teammates and started warming up. Dean and Lisa slowly got out of the car. They both walked to the front of the car and held hands as soon as they met. They held hands all the way to the bleachers and as soon as they sat down Dean put his arm around her. It was as if Dean had forgotten all about me. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I kept trying to talk myself through it and make sense out of what he was doing. He wasn't doing anything that I considered cheating.

Sam and I continued watching them while Ben's game started. Dean was cheering for Ben as if he were his son. He looked happy. Things went from bad to worse when Dean got up to get some snacks from the concession stand. Before he left he gave Lisa a quick kiss on the lips. My mouth flew open, and I couldn't think of what to say. Sam put his hand on my leg and gave me his sympathies. I told Sam I had seen enough and to drive us back to the motel.

As soon as we walked into the room I lost it. Sam pulled me into him right away so that I could cry into his shoulder. He had one hand on my back and the other on the back of my head. After about ten minutes of letting me cry Sam finally started talking. He called Dean an idiot. I disagreed with him and started defending Dean. I started giving Dean excuses for his behavior. Sam didn't understand why I was standing up for him and it was pissing him off.

He eventually had enough of my excuses for Dean and told me to stop. Sam started saying how lucky Dean was to have me in his life. He would give anything to go back to when we were together. It was the only time in his life when he was truly happy. He's never met anyone as amazing as me and if Dean doesn't realize that then he doesn't deserve me. I was dumbfounded by what Sam was saying. He's never said anything like that to me before. He's admitted that he loves me before, but he has never complimented me like that.

Sam started making his way towards me and said he wanted to try something. I looked at him confused and asked him what. He stood in front of me and told me to trust him. I was still confused, but I just nodded. He placed his hands on the side of my head and told me to relax. I then realized what was on his mind. I wanted to fight him off and tell him no, but I couldn't. A huge part of me wanted it to happen too. He slowly brought his face closer to mine. He moved his hands to the back of neck and placed his forehead against mine. My hands had made their way to the back of his head too. I gave him a reassuring nod and then he placed his lips against mine.

I have kissed Sam many times before, but for some reason this time felt different. There aren't really words to explain how this kiss felt. All I know is that I didn't want it to end. I had forgotten all about Dean and Lisa and Lucifer's plans for Sam and me. All I could think about was what was going on at that moment. Sam was feeling the same way. It took all my will power to stop us from going any further. I knew that if I allowed us to have sex that I would regret it directly after. Sam understood and backed off. We stood across from each other not knowing what to say.

After a minute of awkward silence I finally told Sam that I was hungry. Sam admitted that he was hungry too. I found the yellow pages in the nightstand drawer next to my bed and looked up restaurants in the area. I asked Sam what he was in the mood for, but he said it was my choice. After much thought I decided that we were going to get some Italian food. We ended up at this little Italian restaurant that made authentic, Italian cuisine. The place reminded me of where Sam and I had our first date. After dinner we went to a bar down the street from the restaurant to get a drink and play some pool.

We got back to our room around midnight. I let Sam get ready for bed first while I watched some television. After Sam finished up in the bathroom he crawled into his bed and said goodnight. I went into the bathroom ten minutes later to get ready for bed. All I could think about while I brushed my teeth was the kiss with Sam. I don't even know how long I was brushing my teeth because of my mind being somewhere else.

When I came out of the bathroom Sam was curled up under his blankets sleeping. I walked over to my bed and was about to get in it when I noticed the open spot in Sam's bed. I wanted to occupy the empty space so badly. I sat down on my bed and stared at the open space. I told myself over and over to lie down in my own bed. I was basically screaming it at myself. It felt like forever, but I finally got myself to lie down in my own bed. I shut off the light and put my head on the pillow, but my eyes wouldn't shut. It was dark in the room, but I could still see Sam. My eyes finally closed, but they opened back up one minute later. I couldn't take it anymore. I was going to fill that empty space in Sam's bed. I sat up, pulled the covers off, and with one step moved from my bed to Sam's bed.

As soon as I got into the bed Sam woke up. He was confused, but he wasn't opposed. He pulled the covers up so I could get under them. I curled up into him and felt the warmth of his body. I gave him a quick kiss on the lips and then placed my head on his chest. Sam had one hand on my back and the other was holding my hand. It was amazing how comfortable we were in each other's arms. It didn't take us long to fall asleep.

When I woke up the next morning I didn't want to leave Sam's arms. Sam was still asleep when I woke up. My hand had moved under his shirt while we were sleeping and it was resting on his side. His skin was so warm and soft. I slowly moved my hand around his abs and chest. This woke Sam up. He wrapped his arms tighter around me and said good morning. I kissed his neck and said good morning back. It felt like the world had stopped while I was in the bed with him. I knew that as soon as I got out of the bed that the world would pick up in full speed.

Sam kissed the top of my head and asked what the plans were for the day. He wanted to know if we were going to go back to my father's house or if we were going to go after Dean. Part of me wanted to barge into Lisa's house and drag Dean out, but another part of me wanted to leave him there because of how happy he looked with Lisa. Dean is an adult and can make his own decisions. He knows that he can't cut me out of his life completely. We have a daughter together and he cares so much about Samantha. I took a deep breath and told Sam that we should pack up and go back to my dad's house. I knew he wanted to say something, but he bit his tongue. I breathed in Sam one last time before getting up.

I took a quick shower while Sam packed up the car. Sam took a shower after I got out. While he was in the shower I decided to give my father a call so he knew Sam and I were coming back. He asked if Dean was coming with us and I told him that I would explain everything when Sam and I got back. My father knew that meant no. Sam came out of the bathroom shortly after I hung up with my father. I double checked that we had everything while Sam checked out with the clerk.

Before Sam and I hit the road we decided to stop for some breakfast. We went to a diner that was right next to the highway. I sat across the booth from him and sipped my coffee. I knew things were different between Sam and me, but they didn't feel all that different. Sam and I were talking when I spotted a familiar car driving down the street. Dean was stopped at the traffic light right next to the diner. Sam saw him too and we were both staring at Dean. He had his window rolled down and was singing along to whatever was playing on his radio. He was in the middle of playing the drums on his steering wheel when he spotted my Mustang in the parking lot. Dean looked confused and Sam and I had a feeling Dean knew it was my car. There aren't many cars like mine.

Sam and I looked at each other and without saying a word we both got up out of the booth. Sam threw some money on the table to cover the check and we ran out of the diner to my car. I threw Sam my keys and waited by the passenger door. Once Sam unlocked my door I hopped in and he started the car. I could see the Impala approaching the parking lot. Sam drove to the other end of the parking lot so that Dean wouldn't spot us. As we were pulling out of the parking lot I watched as Dean pulled into the parking lot. I continued watching until Sam turned towards the highway. I turned around so that I was sitting straight forward and tried to catch my breath. Sam kept looking in the rearview mirror to make sure Dean wasn't following us.

Sam and I sat in silence for the first two hours of the drive. We were both in deep thought. I finally looked over at Sam and saw that he had one hand resting on the gear shift. I put my hand on top of it and told him that he could stay at my place if he wanted to. Sam moved his hand away from mine and asked what I was going to do when Dean came back. I honestly didn't know what I was going to do. We both knew that Dean was going to be back one day. Sam said he doesn't want to be my temporary replacement for Dean. He couldn't stand losing me to Dean again. I didn't know how to respond. I just nodded and stared out the window at the corn fields.

After another two hours of silence went by I finally admitted to Sam that I always knew deep down that he was the one. Whenever something, good or bad, happened to me I would think of him before anyone. If I were upset no one could calm me down like Sam. There was a reason Dean was afraid of losing me to Sam. Dean could never comfort me the way Sam did. If I were to look through my journal from the beginning I would find that Sam was the one there for me when things got tough. I turned towards Sam and looked at him for the first time since I had started talking. He was waiting for me to finish before he said anything. I looked at him and said that I've always been in love with him.

Sam said that he believed me, but he didn't think we should start anything until Dean got back. Dean just walked out a few days ago and I was vulnerable. Sam would feel like he was taking advantage of me if he tried anything with me. The kiss we shared the night before was a big enough step for the two of us. Dean and I never officially ended things. Dean will be back sooner or later and if he found out that I moved on to Sam he would be beyond pissed. We don't know what was going on between Dean and Lisa. Sam said he would help me take care of Samantha while Dean was gone, but he wasn't going to stay overnight at my apartment. Dean is his brother and he could never betray him. I couldn't disagree with Sam. Everything he said was a hundred percent accurate. I was vulnerable.

We arrived at my dad's house around eight o'clock. My father was in his office reading when we walked into the house. He asked Sam and me to sit down as soon as we walked in. He wanted to know what happened with Dean and why we didn't drag his ass back here. Sam and I gave him the play-by-play of what happened. My father didn't understand why we didn't confront Dean. I gave him my reasoning, but he still didn't understand.

I knew I wasn't going to get him to understand so I decided to change the subject. I asked him where Samantha was. He had already put her to bed. I was a little upset when he told me that because I wanted to go home, but I knew I couldn't wake her up. Sam said that he can drive her back to my place the next day. I didn't really like that solution because that would mean spending the night alone. I didn't want to be alone. I decided I would just stay the night at my father's and take Samantha home in the morning.

The next morning Sam, Samantha, and I went back to my apartment. It was great having Samantha back. She really knows how to make me smile again. I noticed how great Sam is with her for the first time. She is always giggling with him and she follows him around the apartment like a puppy dog. I'm afraid that if Dean doesn't come back soon she is going to think Sam is her father. It's only been about a week and a half, but Samantha is young and could easily get confused. I really hope Dean comes home soon.

June 26, 2011

I still haven't heard from Dean. I don't even know what I would say to him if he started communicating with me again. I don't think I will be able to break things off with him for Sam. I'm just waiting for the day when Dean comes home. Is he going to explain where he went and why he went there? Is he going to be honest with me? Part of me just wants him to tell me he is leaving me for Lisa and part of me wants him to come back to be with me.

Dean needs to come back soon for Samantha's sake. She is going to be confused soon as to who her father is. As I said before she is following Sam everywhere. Sam usually puts her to bed at night and feeds her at least once a day. He will sit on the floor and play with her. He is acting like a father. If Samantha starts thinking of Sam as her father then Dean is going to be that much angrier when he comes home. However, he has no one to blame, but himself for that one. He is the one that ran away from this.

Anyways, Sam and I have decided to focus our attention on the other part of our destiny. We have been focusing too much of our attention on the soul mates part and not enough on the Lucifer's vessel part. Sam brought several books from my father's house that might be helpful. They are all books on the apocalypse and the different interpretations of what will happen. What it mainly comes down to is the fight between Lucifer and Michael. Michael is supposed to kill Lucifer in the end. There are so many translations of the Bible and the Book of Revelations that it would take years to read them all. My father gave Sam the only ones that he felt were important. So far we haven't been able to find anything to help us with getting out of our destiny. I think we are going to have to leave the apartment if we want to figure things out, but I can't leave incase Dean comes back.

July 3, 2011

My nightmare about Samantha thinking Sam is her father came true yesterday. Sam was sitting on the floor with Samantha while she played with her toys. She picked up one of her toys and carried it over to Sam to share it with him. When she handed it to him she called him "dada." Sam didn't really know what to do, but he thanked her for the toy. We figured it might have just been a fluke, but she continued calling Sam "dada" the rest of the night.

Sam tried to apologize for what happened, but I wouldn't accept. It is not his fault that Samantha called him that. It has been almost a month since Dean left. He hasn't even bothered to call me, Sam, or my father to let us know that he is still alive. If Annabelle hadn't tracked him down I don't know what I would be like right now. I swear if Dean doesn't come home soon then I am going to go down to Lisa's house and drag him out. It's not like I told him I was cheating on him with Sam. His actions would make more sense if that were the case.

July 13, 2011

I'm not exactly sure how to explain the past seventy-two hours. They have been very strange. I guess the best place to start would be from the beginning.

The day started out like a typical day. I woke up around eight and let Samantha out of her crib. I fed each of us breakfast and then put on Samantha's cartoons while I continued my research on the apocalypse. Sam came over around ten to help with Samantha and research with me. It was our usual routine.

It wasn't until later in the afternoon that things changed. Samantha was down for her nap and Sam and I were sitting on the couch reading when we heard someone unlocking the door. We stopped reading and looked over our shoulders at the door waiting to see who was behind it. It only took the person a few seconds to get the door open, but it felt much longer than that to me. Sam and I knew it was going to be Dean, but we were still surprised when he opened the door. We just sat on the couch and stared at him.

Dean took his shoes off and walked into the living room. He greeted Sam and I and then continued into our bedroom. He was acting as if he just came home from a trip to the grocery store. This just pissed me off even more. Sam could see the anger in my eyes and tried telling me to calm down. I tried taking some deep breaths, but it wasn't working. I finally got off the couch to confront Dean. Sam decided to follow so he could mediate.

As soon as I walked into our bedroom things became very strange. It was like I had walked into a dream. I thought I was dreaming. Once my feet stepped into my bedroom it transformed into a high school hallway. Not only did the room transform, but Sam and I were in different clothes. I was in a floral sundress with a white cardigan and Sam was wearing jeans with a blue and green striped polo. Sam and I stood there confused. We both thought we were dreaming. We knew it couldn't be a dream if we were both there. Sam didn't really know what to say or do, but he suggested that we find an exit. I was game for anything.

We were about to start walking for the exit when some random football player threw a red slushy in my face. Right after he threw it in my face he said, "Welcome to McKinley High freak." Sam stood next to me in shock and was trying not to laugh. The slushy was so cold and sticky. I was already in a bad mood and this just made it worse. I just wanted to scream. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

While I was calming down an extremely perky girl came over to help me. She grabbed my hand and started walking me towards the locker room. Sam followed behind us along with another guy. As we were walking to the locker room she introduced herself to me. She said she was Rachel and that the guy following us was her boyfriend Finn. We turned the corner to the locker room when I ran into none other than Dean. He was dressed in red track pants and a white t-shirt that read "McKinley High Phys Ed." He looked just as surprised as I did. Once he saw Sam round the corner he knew something was wrong. He told Rachel and Finn to get to class and that he would take care of me.

As soon as they were out of sight Sam and I asked Dean if he knew what was going on. He was just as confused as us, but he explained that we were in the world of _Glee_. At first I had no idea what that meant, but then I remembered that was the name of a television show. Dean explained that Rachel was the wanna-be Broadway star and Finn was the quarterback for the football team. Sam and I were a little surprised that Dean knew that much about the show. Apparently Lisa watches the show and has been watching it with Dean. After we got that established I remembered that I needed to wash slushy off of myself. Sam offered to help, but I said that I could take care of it.

After I washed up I met up with Sam and Dean again. We were going to figure out how we got into this world. We went into the empty teachers' lounge to talk. We started coming up with different explanations when a woman in a blue track suit came in and started yelling at Sam and me. She said students weren't allowed in the teachers' lounge. Sam and I had no idea what she was talking about because we weren't students. We are both too old to be high school students. Sam is 29 years old and I am 27. However, she continued yelling at us to get out. Sam and I decided to listen so we left. Dean followed behind us laughing. He thought it was hilarious that Sam and I were supposed to be high school students. I asked him what he was supposed to be. He was the new gym teacher.

Dean was about to say something when he spotted something out of the corner of his eye. He started eyeing this petite redhead. Sam and I watched him confused as to what was on his mind. He got this look on his face like he figured out what we were dealing with. We watched as he approached her. At first he was just talking to her, but then he pinned her against the wall in anger. Sam and I started running towards them to stop Dean from hurting her, but she transformed into a man. Sam recognized him right away. I sort of recognized him, but I couldn't remember where I had seen him before. Dean cleared that up for me as soon as we were by him. It was the Trickster, the same one that I had mess with Sam when I was a demon. Things made more sense after that was revealed. Dean asked him why we were stuck in "Glee" land. The Trickster said it is a game. We had to survive the next 24 hours and we could go back to our normal lives. After he told us this he disappeared.

The three of us stood in the hallway wondering what he meant. What was the game he wanted us to play? What are the rules of the game? We stood there thinking about what it meant when the woman in the track suit came down the hallway. She started yelling at Sam and me again. She told us to get to class before she started handing out detentions. Dean decided to join her in yelling at us. Sam and I weren't sure what class we were supposed to be in. We just apologized and then walked down the hallway so we were no longer in their sight.

When we turned the corner the Rachel girl was looking through her locker for something and spotted the two of us. She shut her locker and ran over to us. She was so smiley. She said it was good to see I cleaned up the slushy and then asked what class we were supposed to be in. We both shrugged our shoulders and she asked to see our schedules. Sam decided to check his backpack to see if his schedule was in there. It turned out both of our schedules were in his backpack. Rachel snatched them out of his hand. She got a huge grin on her face while looking at my schedule. It turned out we had almost every class together.

Soon the bell rang and the hall filled with chatty teenagers. Sam pushed me back so that we didn't get run over by the mass of people coming out of the classrooms. Rachel told Sam that Finn had class with him next so he could show him where to go. We met up with Finn at his locker and then Rachel and I split up from them to go to class.

As soon as we were away from them she said that Sam and I make a great couple and that we should go on a double date. I started shaking my head and told her I was married to his brother. She looked extremely confused since I was supposed to be 16 years old. I hurried up and corrected myself by saying I was basically married to his brother. She still looked a bit confused, but we soon walked into the classroom and she got distracted by another student.

It was so strange being in high school again. Time surprisingly went by really fast though. I don't even remember being in class. I remember walking into class, but before I knew it the last bell was ringing and Rachel and I were walking out to her locker. She asked me if I was going to join any clubs at the school. Before I could even answer she told me I had to join glee club. I declined right away. I cannot sing to save my life. She wouldn't take no for an answer and basically dragged me to the club.

We were the first people in the room. The club didn't technically meet for another half hour. Rachel liked to get to the room early so she can warm up. I didn't really care I just wanted to be in a quiet room so I could think. I also wanted to get away from Rachel because she was a bit annoying. She is way too energetic for me.

I pushed a bunch of chairs together so I could lie across them while Rachel did her warm up exercises. I had my eyes shut for like ten minutes when I heard Finn and Sam come in. Sam lifted up my feet, sat on the chair they were resting on, and placed my feet onto his lap. He looked exhausted. I was about to ask why he was so worn out when he said he was just at gym class. Finn joined our conversation and made a comment about the new gym teacher. I knew he was referring to Dean. He said that he really did not like Sam for some reason. Rachel asked what happened. Apparently Dean made Sam run laps the entire period while the rest of the class played volleyball. This pissed me off. Sam could see the rage building in my eyes and started rubbing my leg to calm me down. He said that he was fine and it was actually quite refreshing. I knew he was lying, but I decided to let it go.

Rachel and Finn went up to the piano to work on warm up exercises while Sam and I continued to sit waiting for the rest of the club to arrive. Sam continued rubbing my leg while we sat there. It was incredibly relaxing. I finally asked Sam what he thought the Trickster's game was. He wasn't entirely sure, but he had a feeling there was a reason we were stuck in TV land. He thought for a moment and then it occurred to him what the game could possibly be. We were supposed to play a character on the show. He and I were new students at the school and Dean was the new teacher. He thought that if we played our part then we would be able to get out alive. It made sense when he explained it. Sam was about to continue, but some other members started arriving.

Five minutes later the entire club was sitting waiting for Mr. Schuester to arrive. Most of the members didn't bother introducing themselves to us while others introduced themselves right away. Kurt, who was noticeably gay, introduced himself as soon as he saw Sam. It was obvious that he found him attractive. Two girls in cheerleading outfits also introduced themselves to Sam and gave me the evil eye. As soon as Mr. Schuester walked in Rachel got up to introduce Sam and me. He was happy to see us there and then asked if we could sing. Sam and I were about to shake our heads, but Rachel told him that we could sing. She did some research on us and we were big stars at our last school. She pulled out an article from her backpack to show Mr. Schuester and the rest of the club. He was impressed and then asked us to sing something for him. I did not want to sing for them because I know that I cannot sing. Sam leaned in and told me this was the role we were supposed to play in the Trickster's game.

Sam took a deep breath, got up, and started walking towards the piano. Rachel sat down by Finn and we all waited for Sam to start singing. Once the music started I knew what song Sam was singing. He was about to sing Bon Jovi's "Wanted Dead or Alive." He started singing and it was exactly how I remembered him sounding, terrible. Mr. Schuester cut him off and suggested he sing something better suited for his vocal range. Rachel suggested that he sing the song that we sang at sectionals the year before. We obviously had no idea what she was talking about. She handed Mr. Schuester the sheet music to the song and he agreed that it would be a great song for us to sing.

Mr. Schuester handed the sheet music to the band and on the count of three they started playing. I couldn't believe what they were playing and neither could Sam. It was the song that was our song when we were a couple. I hadn't listened to it since Sam and I broke up. Sam was a little hesitant about singing it, but once it was time to sing the first verse he started singing. The voice that came out of him was nothing I had heard before. It was incredible. I just sat and listened to him.

"_Maybe it's intuition/ But some things you just don't question/ Like in your eyes/ I see my future in an instant/ And there it goes/ I think I've found my best friend_."

At first he just stood nervously by the piano, but when the chorus kicked in he started getting into it. It didn't help that the rest of the glee club had joined in on backup. Sam was singing with so much passion and was singing right to me. He was really playing his role well.

"_I knew I loved you before I met you/ I think I dreamed you into life/ I knew I loved you before I met you/ I have been waiting all my life_."

When it got to the second verse Sam started walking towards me. He knelt down so he was level with me and put his hands in mine. He was looking directly into my eyes while singing. I was lost in his eyes and in the song. Before I knew it I had started singing with him. I got out of the chair to continue singing with him. I was getting into my role too. Everyone in the club watched in amazement while Sam and I sang to each other.

When the song ended Sam and I were touching foreheads and looking into each other's eyes. We were completely lost in the moment. I had forgotten about everyone else in the room. It wasn't until the members started applauding our performance that we came back to reality. Sam and I moved back to our seats a bit embarrassed. Mr. Schuester started telling us how incredible that was when I noticed Dean watching from the other side of the door. He had seen everything. He looked so sad because he could see the love between Sam and me.

I was about to get up to go talk to him, but decided not to. It would look strange for me to go after him. I am a student and he is a teacher. In this scenario it would be wrong for me to go out in the hall to talk to him. I would not be playing my role. Plus I don't know what I would've said to him. I would be lying to him if I told him that nothing was going on between Sam and me.

Before I knew it glee club was over. Sam and I weren't sure where we were supposed to go. I needed to go somewhere to think about things. As we were walking I noticed the empty auditorium. I told Sam that I was going in there for a while to think by myself. Sam let me go and went off with some of the other glee members.

When I walked into the auditorium I went straight towards the piano bench. I was just sitting in silence thinking about everything when Mr. Schuester walked in. He had spotted me from the hallway. I didn't really notice him walk in until he complimented me again on my performance with Sam. I smiled and thanked him. He asked how long Sam and I had been together. I told him right away that we weren't together. He was surprised and wanted to know why we weren't when there was clearly chemistry between us. I explained that it was complicated and that I was technically with his brother. He nodded as if he understood what I was going through. He suggested that I put what I'm feeling into a song. He said that it was very therapeutic. I thought he was joking, but he had me move off the piano bench so he could play while I sang something. He told me to think about what was going on in my life and just sing about it.

I was a bit reluctant, but then I remembered the Trickster's game and the rules. I don't know how I figured out what song to sing, but before I knew it I started singing Kelly Clarkson's "Already Gone." I could relate to every word in the song. As I was singing it I pictured myself singing it to Dean. In my head he listened to every word of the song and took each one to heart. When I finished singing and opened my eyes I realized that a few tears had fallen. Mr. Schuester asked if that helped me feel better. I nodded and told him that I had to go. I had to find Dean and Sam and get everything straightened out between the three of us. I thanked him for his help and then ran off the stage down the aisle.

When I stepped out of the auditorium it was as if someone had changed the channel on me. I wasn't standing in a hallway like I should have been; instead I was standing in a living room dressed in a lace nighty and a bathrobe that didn't really cover anything up. I had changed shows, but what show was I on now? I tried looking around the place for any hints, but it just looked like your typical suburban home. I was about to take a look outside when something on the mantel caught my attention. It was a picture of a bride and groom. I was the bride and Sam was the groom. I just stared at the picture in shock until I heard a crash upstairs. I put the picture back on the mantel and walked over to the staircase to get a better listen to the commotion upstairs. Ten seconds later a door opened and Sam walked out in a business suit. As he walked down the stairs I told him that we were married. He acted like that didn't mean anything, but I could see in his eyes that he was enjoying this show so far. He asked if I knew what show we were on, but I had no answer for him. He suggested we go outside to figure it out.

Once we stepped out of our house all I saw was neatly cut lawns, white picket fences, and SUVs or minivans parked in every driveway. That didn't really help us. We were obviously in suburbia. Sam and I started throwing out different shows that take place in the middle of Normalville, USA. Every show sounded like it could be a possibility. We were going back and forth with shows when the woman who lived across the street interrupted us. She greeted us from across the street and started making her way towards us. She looked like a freaking Stepford wife. She had red hair, khakis, a cardigan, and a basket of muffins. Sam recognized her and muttered her name under his breath, Bree Van De Kamp. I had no idea what that meant and Sam didn't have time to explain because Bree was already across the street.

Bree eyed me up and down and gave me a disapproving look. I had forgotten that I was only wearing a lacy nightgown and robe that came up to about mid thigh. I was embarrassed. I must've looked like a tramp to her. I tried to shut the robe as much as I could, but nothing helped me feel less naked. There is a reason I normally wear a t-shirt and pajama pants to bed. Bree started welcoming us to the neighborhood, but I could feel her judging me the entire time.

As we were talking to her three other women emerged from their homes and made their way over to our lawn. I pulled my robe tighter and tighter around me as they made their way towards us. I felt like I was in one of those nightmares where I forgot to put pants on at school. The three women that joined us didn't seem as judgmental. One of them even complimented my nightgown. She had the same one in pink. Each one introduced themselves and welcomed us to the neighborhood. I still had no idea what show we were on. Shortly after they welcomed us they started going back home. The woman, Gaby, who complimented my nightgown stayed behind to talk some more. She asked if she could come inside. Sam left it up to me to decide. I figured there was no harm in letting her into our house.

I had Gaby wait for me in the living room while I changed. I wasn't sure which room had my clothes in it, but eventually I found it. I wasn't too pleased with my clothing options. Apparently my character liked clothes with the least amount of fabric possible. I just wanted to put on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, but my character didn't wear either. I think there was one pair of jeans and they were the extremely skinny ones. After about five minutes of looking through my closet I decided to put on the longest dress I could find. The dress hit just above my knees. I was going to put on a pair of shoes, but the only kind in my closet was heels. I think the lowest heel was three inches. It took me about twenty minutes to finally get myself dressed. I caught a glimpse of myself before I walked out and felt sort of sexy in the dress I was wearing.

When I walked out of the room Sam was standing next to the door waiting for me. He was a bit surprised by what I was wearing. There was a lot of cleavage and leg showing at the same time. He had completely forgotten what he was going to tell me and was staring at my dress. It was no secret what was on his mind. I pushed his face up so he was looking at my face instead of my body. He came back to reality and said that we were in the show _Desperate Housewives_. I had thought that might've been the show, but I wasn't sure because I had never seen it before. I was a bit curious as to how Sam knew, but I decided to move passed it. He continued and said that we needed to stick to our characters. I nodded in agreement and then made my way downstairs.

Gaby was sitting in the living room reading a fashion magazine when I finally walked in. I apologized for taking so long, but she wouldn't accept. She understood that beauty takes time in the morning. She then commented on how it was nice having another model living in the neighborhood. I asked her what she was talking about. She said that she used to be a model like me, but retired shortly after she got married. The wardrobe in my closet made so much sense after she told me that. Sam put his arm around me and said that he would never make me retire from modeling unless it was what I wanted. Gaby smiled and said that was true love. She asked how long we had been married. Sam and I looked at each other unsure of how to answer. I finally said that it had been a few months. Sam just nodded in agreement. Gaby was about to ask us something else when someone rang the doorbell. I excused myself so I could answer the door.

I opened the door to find Dean standing on the other side. As soon as he saw me he complimented my outfit. He couldn't take his eyes off my chest. I thanked him and then invited him inside. Once he was in I shut the door behind him and then I made sure that he knew what show we were on. He had an idea, but wasn't too sure. Sam and Gaby came into the foyer to see who I was talking to. I could tell that Gaby found Dean attractive. I couldn't blame her. They introduced themselves and then Gaby asked Dean how he knew us. He was about to say that he was my husband when I cut him off and said that he was my brother-in-law. I knew that would make him angry, but we had to stick to our characters. He gave Sam and me a look of fury, but nodded and then commented on how Sam and I were just the perfect couple. Sam suggested that we move back into the living room.

I grabbed Dean before he could step into the room. I needed to talk to him in private. I pulled him into the kitchen to talk. He was still pissed off about Sam and I being married. I started by telling him about playing our roles to survive the Trickster's game. Dean leaned against the counter, crossed his arms, and said he already figured that out. Dean acted like he didn't really care what I had to say. I was getting tired of his cocky attitude. I didn't choose this character it was chosen for me. Dean asked if that was all I wanted to talk about. I wanted to say no, but I was afraid of what I would say to him. I started nodding when the back door swung open. Dean and I both jumped.

Five seconds later Castiel walked through the door. Sam came running in because he heard the door slam open. Castiel looked happy to see us. He said that we have been missing for the past three days. We were all dumbfounded by this information. I was about to ask who was watching Samantha when Castiel assured me that she was taken care of. He was about to zap all three of us back to real life when he vanished all of a sudden. We all stood there wondering where he went when the Trickster walked through the backdoor. He said that there was no cheating in his game. He reminded us to stay in character and then he disappeared.

The three of us stood in silence in the kitchen until Gaby came in to tell us she was going home. She said that she would see us later that night. All three of us gave her questioning looks. Apparently Bree was throwing a dinner party at her house to welcome Sam and me into town. Gaby told Dean that he was invited since he is family. Shortly after that she left.

After Gaby left the three of us walked over to the living room to talk about what we were going to do about the Trickster, but as each of us stepped into the living room the scene changed on us. It was like a case of whiplash when the scene changed. The scene changed to the dinner party. Sam was wearing something straight out of _GQ Magazine_. It was attractive and douche-y looking at the same time. I, on the other hand, was wearing something that looked like it was from the cover of _Cosmopolitan_. I had on a little black dress and four-inch heels. Dean was wearing the same thing he had on earlier, which was just a pair of jeans, a plaid shirt, and a jacket. Sam and Dean both did a double take at my outfit. I could tell that they both liked it even though I felt extremely exposed in it.

We stood in the foyer with Bree and her son, Andrew. They welcomed us to their house and then Bree led us to the living room where the rest of the party was. As soon as I walked into the room every head turned to look at me. I felt like I was in that dream again. I couldn't cross my arms to cover myself up because then my cleavage would show even more than it already was. Bree started clapping her hands to get everyone's attention. Once everyone was looking at her she started introducing Sam and me. She explained that I was a model and Sam was an attorney. We got married a few months ago and just moved in across the street.

After she made her introduction one of the men requested, "A kiss from the happy couple." Sam and I started shaking our heads, but everyone insisted that we kiss. I knew they weren't going to stop until we kissed; that's TV for you. Sam gave me a peck on the lips, but the group wasn't happy. Tom, one of the women's husbands, criticized our kiss and told Sam that it shouldn't be hard for him to give a beautiful woman, like me, a kiss full of passion. He instructed Sam to just grab me and lay one on my lips. Then he demonstrated on his wife, Lynette. The rest of the couples started showing Sam and I how to kiss appropriately. Sam and I knew we were going to have to kiss again. I quickly looked over at Dean who was sitting down behind Sam. He just sat and stared at the floor. I knew he didn't want to be there. He wanted to run out of the room, but he couldn't. Sam and I took a deep breath and then we went in for the kiss. It was a pretty great kiss, but there was a lot of hesitation between us because of Dean.

When we pulled away from the kiss we were no longer in Bree's living room. Sam, Dean, and I were on a talk show. However, it wasn't just any talk show, it was _Oprah_. The three of us were sitting on a couch while Oprah sat on a chair next to me. Dean was sandwiched between Sam and me. Next to Sam was an empty chair for the next guest. The producer was counting us in from the commercial break. Once we were back on air Oprah welcomed the viewers back and then recapped what we were previously talking about. The three of us were glad that she recapped the audience because otherwise we would have no idea why we were there. Basically she explained everything that has been going on the past month. I knew our lives were messed up, but after hearing it come out of Oprah's mouth made it sound even more screwed up.

Oprah explained to the audience that we had recently found out that Sam and I are destined to be together even though I am married to his brother, Dean. She asked Dean how he felt about this news. The audience just stared at Dean waiting for his answer. Dean didn't like being put on the spot like this. Dean took a deep breath and told Oprah that he overreacted when he first found out, but now that he has given it some time to sink in it doesn't bother him so much. He explained that he still loves me just as much as he did the first time he saw me and then he placed his hand on my leg. I didn't really know how to react to that. All this time I thought he hated me, but it turns out that he still loves me. I saw Sam's reaction in the monitor and he looked let down by this.

Oprah nodded and then asked Dean if he would change his mind if he knew who his soul mate was. She didn't give Dean an opportunity to answer before she introduced the next guest. Oprah explained that she tracked down Dean's soul mate and invited her to the show. All three of us were curious as to who was Dean's soul mate. To build up suspense Oprah had the show go to commercial break before the soul mate came out.

As soon as they cut to commercial I asked Dean if he was serious about still loving me. He took my hand, gave it a kiss, and said that he wanted to make our relationship work. He was willing to do anything to make it work. Before I could say anything in return Dean pulled me in for a kiss. After he kissed me he told me that he didn't care who his soul mate was because he loves me. I didn't really know what to say. I quickly glanced over Dean's shoulder at Sam. He was trying to act like he wasn't listening, but I could tell that he was. He heard everything Dean was telling me. It would be hard not to when he is sitting right next to Dean. I was about to say something to Dean when the producer counted us back in from the commercial break.

Oprah welcomed everyone back and reminded the audience that we were about to meet Dean's soul mate. She asked Dean if he was ready to meet her. Dean sighed and told Oprah he was ready. After much stalling Oprah finally welcomed Dean's soul mate to the stage. All three of us were dumbfounded by who walked on to the stage. It was Lisa. Dean took his hand out of mine and stared at Lisa. Lisa sat down in the empty seat and waited for Oprah's questions. Oprah asked Dean if knowing who his true soul mate is changes his mind about loving me. Dean sat there not knowing how to answer the question. Just his silence alone answered it for me. If he has to think about it then the answer is clearly yes. I could feel the tears forming in my eyes. I was trying my hardest to fight them. I was not going to be one of those guests. I knew the cameraman was focusing on my reaction which made things even worse.

Dean was about to give his answer when Castiel rushed the stage. He told us that we had to get out of this world. The Trickster isn't who he says he is. He is something else. Castiel was about to tell us more when Oprah grabbed him by his throat and slammed him into the wall. Oprah transformed into the Trickster. He told Castiel that it was time to go further away this time. The Trickster placed a hand on Castiel's forehead and then Castiel disappeared. The Trickster turned towards us and looked down at his watch. He told us that we still had some time left in TV land. Then he snapped his fingers and the show changed on us again.

The next show took us a while to figure out because we were in the middle of a dark forest. Sam asked us what we thought Castiel meant when he said that the Trickster was something else. Dean shrugged his shoulders and said that the Trickster had to be something extremely powerful to make Castiel vanish into thin air. They both turned towards me and asked if there is any demon powerful enough to do something like that. I wasn't sure why they were asking me, but then it dawned on me that I had the most experience with demons since I was one for a few years. I hadn't heard of any demons being powerful enough to make an angel vanish beside Alistair, but he is dead. The only thing I could think of with that much power was another angel. Dean said there was only one way to find out. We had to find some holy oil to trap him in. That was going to be easy seeing as how we had no idea where we were. Sam suggested that we split up. One of us should look for the oil while the others play along with whatever show we are on.

Sam and Dean did a quick round of "Rock, Paper, Scissors" to figure out who was staying with me and who was looking for the oil. Sam won, of course, since he knows Dean is going to pick scissors every time. Dean didn't look too happy about leaving Sam and I alone. I gave him a quick hug and a kiss before telling him to be careful. Shortly after that we parted ways. Sam and I went to figure out what show we were on.

Sam and I walked through the woods for quite a while before finding another human being. On our walk through the woods Sam asked me if Dean and I were getting back together. Sam really wanted to know where he belonged in my life. I wasn't sure how to answer Sam. I wanted to make it work with Dean, but at the same time he really hurt me when he ran off to Lisa. Dean is the father of my child and he is always going to be a part of my life. I told Sam that I had to have a chat with Dean before I can give him an answer. Sam didn't really like that answer, but accepted it. About a half hour after our conversation we finally found some civilization.

There was a sign welcoming us to Mystic Falls. I had heard of the town before on a show, but I couldn't place it at first. Sam and I continued into the town while I tried to figure out where I had heard of the town. It was a very small town.

We found the local watering hole and decided to check it out. It was a pretty nice bar. The people in the place were all different ages. I scanned the room for a familiar face, but couldn't find one. Soon one of the employees approached us and told us that we could take a seat at any open table. Sam and I quickly found an open table. I kept going over what show had a town named Mystic Falls. It was at the tip of my tongue and then finally a familiar face walked through the door. We were on _The Vampire Diaries_. I have only seen the show a few times, but I could never forget the face of Damon Salvatore.

We had figured out what show we were on, but we had no idea what our part on the show was. Were we supposed to be teenagers again or were we our own age? We soon got our answer when Elena came over to greet us. She was so excited to see me. Apparently the two of us were best friends when we were children, but my family moved away when we were twelve. We had been emailing each other for the past year and I decided to pay her a visit. After greeting me she turned towards Sam and asked if he was the one who stole my heart. I just nodded and then asked Elena where her current love interest was. She said he was out of town taking care of some family stuff.

Elena started telling me all about Stefan and how great he is when Damon decided to join our table. I couldn't take my eyes off of him after he sat down. I can't help it that I find him extremely hot. He sat down at the empty seat and asked Elena who we were. She introduced me as Lauren, an old friend from her childhood, and Sam's name was Daniel. I stuck my hand out for a handshake from Damon while he introduced himself, but instead of a handshake he decided to be suave and give my hand a kiss. I saw Sam role his eyes when Damon did that. He asked us if we were planning on going to the carnival later that night. Sam told him that we weren't sure yet. Damon insisted that we go. Sam and I finally told him that we would make an appearance. Damon seemed pleased and then excused himself from the table.

Shortly after Damon left, we went over to Elena's house. She had set up a place for me to sleep on her floor and Sam was going to sleep in her brother's room. As soon as I sat down on Elena's bed the scene changed. We were now at the carnival. Sam and I were holding hands while Elena stood next to me. It looked like your typical carnival. There was a Ferris wheel, several carnival games, and funnel cakes. Sam saw me eyeing the funnel cake stand and insisted on buying one for me.

After we got our funnel cakes Sam wanted to play some carnival games. First Elena and I watched Sam play the game with the shotgun. He won the largest prize, of course. He gave me the large teddy bear and then suggested we go on the Ferris wheel. We were having such a great time that I almost forgot why we were there. I could tell that Sam was having a fun time too. I don't think either of us has been able to go to a carnival in a long time. We spent about two hours at the carnival with Elena before Damon showed up. He told Elena that he had to talk to her in private. Elena excused herself and left Sam and me by ourselves for a few minutes.

Sam and I found a bench to sit on while we waited for Elena. As we were sitting there Sam mentioned that he surprisingly had a lot of fun at the carnival. I agreed with him. Sam put his arm around me and I leaned into him without thinking. I started to get very comfortable on the bench when Elena and Damon came back from their private conversation. Sam and I got up to join the two when I noticed Dean walking towards us. Dean came over to give me a hug and whispered in my ear that he had a place in the woods set up to capture the Trickster or whatever he is. Elena asked who Dean was and I explained that he was Sam's brother. Dean explained that there was an emergency back home and we needed to go. Elena didn't want to see me leave so soon, but she understood. I gave her a quick hug goodbye and then the three of us ventured into the woods.

Dean marked the spot where he had the holy oil ready. The next thing we had to do was get the Trickster to pay us a visit. Dean had that part covered too. He started shouting for the Trickster. He was shouting that he wanted to talk to him about the purpose of the game we were playing. I didn't think the Trickster would fall for it, but I was wrong. After about two minutes of calling the Trickster he finally showed up. We were very pleased with his arrival, but we had to work on getting him inside the holy oil. I was in charge of lighting the holy oil as soon as he crossed the line. I stood watching and waiting until finally he crossed over the line into the ring of holy oil. I took the lighter out of my pocket, lit it, and threw it at the oil. As soon as the lighter hit the oil we were no longer in the woods. We were in the empty warehouse that Annabelle and I meet at.

It was obvious that we had caught the Trickster off guard. He asked us where we got the oil, but Dean wouldn't tell him. Dean started asking the Trickster who he really is. We all knew he wasn't a Trickster. It was clear now that he was an angel, but we didn't know which one. There are so many to choose from. However, he had to be a pretty powerful one if he was able to create so much out of nothing. Dean was getting frustrated because the Trickster wouldn't tell us which one he was. Castiel finally busted through the door and told us that he was Gabriel. It took him a while to recognize him, but it was clear to him now. The Trickster admitted that he was indeed the archangel Gabriel. Sam asked him why he sent us to TV land. What was the lesson he was trying to teach us? Gabriel, or the Trickster, needs us to accept the roles we were given in real life. Sam is starring as Lucifer while Dean is starring at Michael. We were confused when he said the part Dean was meant to play; everyone was confused but Dean. Dean already knew he was the vessel for Michael. He found out while he was staying at Lisa's and hadn't gotten around to calling Sam or me. Knowing this changed everything. I know my Revelations and Michael kills Lucifer at the end. This means that Sam and Dean are going to have to fight each other until the other one dies.

Sam asked Gabriel why he was hiding all this time as the Trickster. He admitted that he was tired of seeing his family fight. He loves his family, but watching them fight all the time gets extremely tiring. So, he decided to hide out on earth as a Trickster. However, now the fighting has started again and he wants to put an end to it. The only way for that to happen is for Sam to say yes to Lucifer and Dean to say yes to Michael. I didn't understand why I had to join them in TV land if I wasn't really a part of this. Sam is the chosen vessel; I'm just the backup plan. I was about to ask, but Dean got there before me. Gabriel said that he just wanted me along for the ride for no reason. Both Sam and Dean were about to go after him, but I stopped them both by telling them that it wasn't that big of a deal. I didn't get hurt during this adventure. I told them we should probably get going because we weren't going to get anything useful from the ass hat. Dean second my idea to leave. The three of us started leaving when Gabriel asked if we were going to leave him in the holy fire forever. Dean turned around and pulled the switch that set off the sprinkler system then turned around to walk out.

We had to walk from the warehouse back to our apartment. I wasn't sure if I should walk next to Sam or Dean so I just lingered behind them. The warehouse was about a mile from our apartment. Dean was still peeved about what Gabriel did to us. He didn't really talk much during the walk back to the apartment. Sam didn't seem as upset about it. I wasn't sure how I was feeling about it. Knowing that Dean is the vessel for Michael changes everything.

While we were walking Sam kept looking back at me to check how I was doing. I just kept thinking about how messed up our lives are. I sort of felt like screaming, but I wasn't sure what it would be about. Am I upset about the fact the angels and demons are after my family? Or am I upset about my complicated love life? Every day I wonder why I was chosen for this life. Why did John Winchester save me? Why did he give me to Bobby? I feel like every part of my life was planned from the very beginning. No matter which path I went on I would end at the same place. Every road leads to Rome.

Sam could see that I was in depressed mode because he eventually moved next to me. Sam went to grab my hand to comfort me, but I put my hands in my pocket before he could hold it for too long. I shook my head and looked up at Dean to let Sam know that I didn't want to do that in front of him. Dean was already pissed off I didn't want to make it any worse. Sam seemed a bit irritated and crossed his arms the rest of the time we were walking.

When we finally got to our apartment my father was sitting in the living room with Samantha. He stood up as soon as we walked through the door. He came over to give me a hug and then asked us what happened. Sam told him that it turns out the Trickster is Gabriel and he decided to throw us in TV land. My father wanted to hear all the details, but I just wanted to see my little girl and go to sleep. I also needed to have a talk with Dean. I had to find out where our relationship is right now. I could tell that my father was a little upset with Dean because of how he left Samantha and me alone for a month. It was rather childish and I don't know if I can get over the fact that he ran off to be with Lisa. I saw how he was with her. He was happy to be with her and Ben. He looked like he belonged with them. My father understood that we were all tired and said that he would be ready to hear all about it later. Sam and father left about fifteen minutes after we got there.

Dean went over to Samantha to pick her up, but she turned away from him and walked over to me. I picked her up and gave her a kiss. She was very happy to be in my arms. Dean came over to say hello to Samantha, but she turned her head away from him and buried it in my arm. I tried to get her head out so she could say hi to her dad, but she wouldn't take it out. Dean didn't understand why she was being so shy. Before I thought about what I was saying I mentioned that it might have something to do with his recent absence. Dean said that he was only gone for about a week. I corrected him and told him that it was more like a month. Sam was here almost every day helping me take of Samantha while he was off playing house with Lisa. He admitted that he probably shouldn't have ran off like he did, but I had dropped a bomb on him. I told him that he could've talk to me about it. Dean shook his head and said he couldn't have done that. He needed to talk to someone who was neutral in this situation. He doesn't have a lot of people to talk to that are neutral.

There was a long pause after he said that. I didn't really know what to say to him. I thought maybe we were done talking so I started playing with Samantha. Dean stood by the fire place watching Samantha and I play when he started talking again. He said, "So Sam was here every day with you? That must've been nice. Did anything happen between you two?" I knew what he was implying and I just asked him if anything happened between him and Lisa while he was sleeping over at her place. He looked away and didn't answer the question. I knew what that meant. I walked over towards him and told him that Sam and I kissed once, but that was all we did. Sam simply helped me take care of Samantha. There was nothing else going on between the two of us. I could tell that this made him feel even guiltier about staying over at Lisa's. I told him that I have been completely faithful to him this entire month. I continued and said that he obviously was not faithful to me while he was over at Lisa's. Dean was about to say something, but I turned around and walked towards the bedroom. I didn't really care what he had to say to me because I didn't really feel like listening.

Dean followed me into the bedroom and started apologizing. He said that he was sorry for everything. He was immature and wasn't thinking. I knew he really was sorry, but that didn't make up for his actions. I was in control of myself the entire time Sam was here. There were several occasions when I wanted to invite Sam to spend the night, but I didn't. That's what separated me from Dean. I took a deep breath and told Dean I needed some time to think. Dean understood and then left to go in to the living room.

I sat on the bed thinking about everything. As I was sitting there all I wanted was for Sam to be next to me comforting me. Just his presence calms me down. I finally got off the bed and started packing an overnight bag. I had made up my mind. I was going to spend the night over at my father's so I could really think about everything. After I had my bag packed I went out to the living room and told Dean I was going to my father's. He was a bit surprised by this, but he couldn't really say anything to make me reconsider. I told him that I would be back in the morning.

When I got to my father's Sam answered the door. My father was already in bed, but Sam couldn't fall to sleep. He was surprised to see me on the doorstep. He could tell by the look on my face that everything wasn't alright. Once I walked through the door I gave him a huge hug. He asked me what happened. We moved to the living room so we could be more comfortable. I told him about the conversation Dean and I just had. I wasn't sure how I felt about Dean knowing that he was unfaithful during his stay at Lisa's. I had a feeling that something was going on between them, but I didn't want to assume that they were having sex. I mean Sam and I weren't getting intimate. Sam asked me what this meant for my relationship with Dean. I wasn't sure. I told Sam that all I see when I look at Dean is him with Lisa. Sam said that he was sorry and then pulled me in for another hug. He gave me a kiss on the forehead and then let out a huge yawn. I apologized for keeping Sam up since he was probably exhausted. He said it was fine. Soon we moved up to Sam's bedroom to sleep.

I woke up this morning and felt right at home in Sam's arms. All my worries went away for the night. I don't know what I'm going to do about my relationship with Dean. I have a feeling that it is basically over between the two of us.


	17. Year 2011 pt 4

Newest Entry- Sept 4

Please comment.

Thank you for reading.

* * *

July 16, 2011

Dean has been trying his hardest to get me to forgive him for sleeping with Lisa, probably multiple times. I just don't know if I will be able to forgive him. I know that he just found out his brother and wife was soul mates, but that doesn't give him permission to sleep with anyone. We are still married and have a child together. This is the second time a Winchester has cheated on me. I haven't been able to tell my father why Dean and I are fighting. He would want to murder Dean or he would give a well overdue "I told you so." Either way my father would be furious with Dean and you do not want to get on my father's bad side. I'm going to have to tell my father eventually because I have basically been spending every night at his house. I have been able to get away with it because Sam and I are using my father's books for research. We are usually researching until very late so I just stay the night.

Dean has called me several times to talk about what happened and get me to forgive him. I've talked to him a few times, but most of the time I just let it go to voicemail. Most of our conversations have been very heated, but every single one ends with him apologizing and begging me to come home. I know that Dean is truly sorry, but I just cannot forgive him. I was around Sam the entire time he was away and the only thing we did was kiss. It was an amazing kiss, but we didn't take things any further. Dean has Sam to thank for that.

I am even more tempted to sleep with Sam out of revenge. However, I know that I cannot do that. If I do sleep with Sam then I would be no better than Dean. I need to officially end things with Dean before I can have any sort of relationship with Sam. Part of me doesn't want to end things with Dean, but another part of me is ready to start things up with Sam again. I still love Dean and he is always going to be the father of my child. I really do not want Samantha to grow up in a household where her parents are divorced. Her life is already going to be complicated enough. However, having parents in a loveless marriage would be much worse. Sometimes I just want to run away from all the confusion in my life, but I don't think it would be that easy. No matter where I go my problems will come with me. I just need something to get my mind off of everything.

July 19, 2011

Sam and my father have decided to go off on a hunt without Dean and me. Sam wants Dean and me to figure out our relationship without him there. He believes that I am using him to run away from my problems with Dean. It is time for me to confront Dean in person. Talking over the phone isn't going to cut it anymore since it is very easy to hang up on the other person. I guess he is right. I need to stop putting this off. Even though Sam and my father are gone I haven't been able to bring myself to drive back to my apartment. I just need to get in my car and drive over there.

July 20, 2011

So I finally got up the nerve to drive home around one in the morning. When I got home Dean and Samantha were asleep. I decided to sleep on the couch so that Dean wouldn't wake up. I didn't feel like fighting just yet. I made sure that I entered the apartment as quietly as I could. It surprisingly didn't take me long to fall to sleep on the couch. I didn't realize how comfortable our couch was until that moment.

The next morning Samantha woke me up. Dean had let her out of her crib and she ran into the living room before him. Once she saw me sleeping on the couch she ran over to me and started pulling my arm. Dean still hadn't seen me yet and was wondering what Samantha was so happy about. He was speechless when he saw me lying on the couch. I sat up and greeted him. He sat down next to me and said that it was good to see me. Dean must've thought all was forgiven because he went in for a kiss. I stood up as quick as I could and told him that we needed to talk. Dean nodded in agreement, but asked if he could have his morning coffee before we started anything. I said that was fine and asked him to make me a cup.

While Dean was making coffee I said hello to Samantha. She just wanted to play. She brought over one of her toys and sat down in front of me. I couldn't say no to her. I forget sometimes how adorable Samantha is. She just has those beautiful green eyes and the dark brown hair on her head just makes her even cuter. I moved to the floor so I could play with her. I had almost forgotten why I was really there until Dean came back into the living room. I had gotten used to Dean not being in the apartment. Dean came into the living room with a cup of coffee for me. He admitted that he couldn't remember how I took my coffee so he left the cream and sugar on the counter.

After I finished making my coffee how I like it I went back out to the living room to talk with Dean. I told him that I wanted to keep the conversation civil. If either one of us got angry we would stop and take a breather. We agreed on those terms and then sat in silence for about a minute. Both of us were trying to figure out how to start things. I took a deep breath and told him that I wasn't sure if I could trust him anymore after breaking our vows. He was about to apologize again, but I cut him off. I told him that I understood that he was sorry, but that doesn't take back what he did. I admitted to him that I wanted to break our vows with Sam on multiple occasions, but I controlled my urges. I explained to Dean that Sam was over at our apartment every day helping me deal with everything. He was there for me when I needed my husband.

I asked Dean if it ever occurred to him that I needed his comfort. That I needed him to tell me everything was going to be okay and that we were going to get through this together. Sam also needed him during this time. Sam found out that he is the vessel for Lucifer. That is the mother of all bombs dropping on him. Dean wasn't sure how to answer the question. He felt even worse about himself. I didn't want to see him so depressed, but he had to hear it. I decided to continue since Dean wasn't answering the question. I told him that if he had stayed we could have worked on the problem together and could have been stronger than ever. We would be happy right now, but instead we are fighting.

I took a deep breath because I knew the next thing I was going to say was going to be the worst. I felt the tears coming as I took the pause. I told him that the entire time he was gone I didn't miss him. I wanted to miss him, but I couldn't. It didn't bother me that his place next to me in bed was empty like it did many times before. I slept just fine without him. Dean knew what that meant, but he wanted to hear it from me. He wanted me to say it out loud. I couldn't look at him anymore because I didn't want to see the look on his face. I sat there for what felt like days trying to figure out the best way to put how I felt without hurting Dean. Dean just wanted me to spit it out already.

I stood up and walked over towards the window. I muttered under my breath that I thought we should split up. Dean couldn't hear what I said and asked me to repeat myself. I turned around and clearly told him that we should go our separate ways. I could tell that Dean was pissed, but he acted like it was no big deal. He just said, "Fine, whatever." I could see the anger and sorrow in his eyes. He was just staring at his hands. He wouldn't look up at me, but he wasn't going to let me see his true reaction. I was having the toughest time holding back the tears. I didn't want Dean to see me cry. I told Dean I had to go and ran out the door.

I jumped in my car and drove as fast as I could back to my father's house. I knew no one was there, but I needed to be alone for the time being. I had to think about what I had just done. If someone told me just a few months ago that I would be breaking up with Dean I would think they were crazy. I was so in love with him. I have been in love with him since 2003. I just can't love him like I used to. If he hadn't gone to Lisa's for a month things would have been different.

I sat in my dad's office for about an hour thinking about how much my life has changed when my cell went off. It was Sam. As soon as I answered the phone he knew that something was wrong. I simply told him that Dean and I finally talked. He asked me if I wanted to tell him what happened, but there really wasn't much to explain. I told him that I officially broke things off with him. Sam said he was sorry to see our relationship end. I didn't really feel like talking about it anymore and asked Sam why he called. There had to be a reason other than checking on me. He explained that they needed my help with the case. They were having trouble gathering some research and needed me to look some stuff up in my father's books.

After Sam explained the case to me I started looking through all the books in my dad's library. The case sounded kind of strange. Several people have been killed by famous, historical figures. There was one person killed by Abraham Lincoln and another killed by James Dean. Sam isn't convinced that it is their actual spirits, but he isn't quite sure what to think. There is a wax museum in the town and the owner has some genuine artifacts owned by the person the wax figure resembles. He and my father broke in and destroyed the items, but then today two girls reported that their friend was kidnapped by Paris Hilton. Last I checked Paris Hilton isn't dead. I told Sam I would look into what it could be.

After a few hours of research I narrowed it down to two things. It was either a shapeshifter or Leshii, a forest god. They both seemed possible. I called Sam as soon as I narrowed it down. He said he would look into Leshii and then thanked me for my help. I put all the books away and sat down behind the desk. I had never sat behind the desk before. My father is the only one who has really sat there before.

For some reason I decided to be a snoop and look through the drawers in my father's desk. I figured he wouldn't be walking in to catch me. I'd always been curious as to what he had in the drawers. The first three drawers I looked through didn't really have anything too exciting. One drawer was full of pens and pads of paper. Another drawer had some pictures of me while I was growing up.

When I got to the big bottom drawer things got interesting. It was locked so I knew that there had to be something in there he didn't want anyone to see. It didn't take me very long to pick the lock open. I opened the drawer and was pretty bored with what I found until I got to the very bottom of the drawer. At the bottom of the drawer was a shoe box full of John Winchester's old stuff. I have a feeling that John made my father promise not to show these things to Sam or Dean. It looked to me like John had a second family that he never told anyone about. There were several pictures of John with another woman and a boy that looked about twelve. The box also contained a torn out entry from his journal detailing his time with the woman and there were several newspaper clippings with pictures of the kid. There were even yearbook pictures of the kid. I had to look him up. His name was Adam Milligan.

I pulled out my laptop and looked him up. Once I saw his picture I knew he was a Winchester. He looks so much like Dean. I looked to see where he was living and it said that he was a student at the University of Wisconsin, but lived in Minnesota with his mother. I can't believe what I just found out. This is amazing. Sam and Dean have a half brother. I have to meet him. Sam and my father probably won't be back for a few days and I don't have Dean breathing down my neck anymore. It wouldn't take too long to drive to Minnesota. Maybe I'll take a little road trip tomorrow.

I can't wait for this day to be over. It has been one hell of a day. I officially broke up with Dean and now I found out that he might have a half brother.

July 24, 2011

Adam is most definitely Sam and Dean's half brother. I drove to Minnesota the day after my last entry and found him. At first I just observed his behavior from afar. It was amazing how much he looked like Dean. He is much younger though. He is only 21 years old.

After observing him for a few hours I decided it was time to meet him in person. He was headed out to the bar with some of his friends that night. That was where I was going to make my move. I made sure that I looked my best before I entered the bar. I wanted him to notice me and approach me. If he is anything like Dean I knew he would be attracted to a certain type.

Once I entered the bar he noticed me. He was sitting at a table with his buddies. I sat down at the bar and ordered myself a drink. The bar was sort of crowded, but not too much that I couldn't keep an eye on him. I started making small talk with the bartender when Adam finally got up from the table to order another drink. He sat down on the empty stool next to me and waited for the bartender. He looked over at me and asked if I was drinking by myself. I nodded and said that I had just broken up with my boyfriend. He told me how much that sucked, but I could tell what was on his mind. He knew that meant I was vulnerable. The bartender then came over and gave Adam a refill. After he got his drink he invited me to join his friends. There was an empty seat at their table. I thanked him and said I would think about it.

I had found my way in. I sat at the bar for about five more minutes talking with the bartender. She knew Adam and reassured me that he was a good guy. I ordered another drink and then made my way over to his table. He was very pleased to see me join them. I introduced myself to his friends and then took a seat next to Adam. His friends went back to talking to each other, but Adam was focused on getting to know me. He really is a nice guy. After I made up some story about my life I asked Adam about himself. I started right away by asking about his family. He said that it was mainly just him and his mother growing up. His father didn't really come into the picture until he was older and he only saw him like twice a year. However, now he hasn't seen or heard him in about five years. That was when I knew he was John's kid.

I sat and talked with Adam for about two more hours until I realized how late it was. I told Adam that I had to go and he didn't seem too pleased. He was enjoying our conversation. He said he would escort me to his car because he didn't want anything to happen to me. I knew that meant he wanted to step outside away from his friends so he could try something. I kept telling him I could take care of myself, but he wouldn't listen.

When we got to my car he was impressed. He walked around it and ran his hand across it in awe. It was the most beautiful car he had ever seen. I thanked him while I walked over to the driver's side. He eventually made his way over to my side and said that it was a pleasure to meet me. He pulled out his cell phone and asked for my number so he could call me later. I was a little hesitant at first, but I decided to give it to him. I pulled my phone out and got his number too. After I put his number in my phone he walked closer to me and pulled me in for a kiss. I let him kiss me, but I didn't kiss him back. After he kissed me I said goodnight and got in my car.

I knew I had to tell Sam and Dean about Adam. When I found out about Christina I was furious with Sam because he didn't tell me about her. I wasn't going to do the same to them. They have a right to know that they have a half brother. I have to wonder if my father knew about Adam. He locked up the box for a reason.

I stayed overnight at a motel near the bar and then drove back to my father's house the next morning. Sam and my father weren't back yet from their hunt. I sat down in the living room trying to figure out how to explain Adam to Sam and Dean. I had to talk to my father. I had to know if he knew about Adam and if so why he kept it a secret. There might be a reason John never told anyone.

While I was sitting on the couch Sam and my father walked through the door. They were back from their hunt. They both looked exhausted. Sam dropped his stuff by the door and came into the living room. I asked him how the hunt went. He said it was a success. It turned out to be Leshii after all. Sam thanked me for my help and said they wouldn't have figured it out so quickly if it weren't for me. I just nodded and said that was great.

Sam could tell that something else was on my mind and figured it had to do with my recent breakup. However, my breakup with Dean was the furthest from my mind. I was focused on Adam. I wanted to tell Sam right then and there that he had a half brother, but I couldn't. I had to talk to my father first. I told Sam that I was just exhausted because I hadn't slept well the night before. Sam put his arm around me and said he was pretty tired too and could use a nap. He suggested we move upstairs so we could nap on the bed. I had to talk to my father before I took any naps. I told Sam to go up without me and I would join him shortly.

My father was sitting in his office having a drink when I walked in. He greeted me and then asked how I was holding up. I told him I was fine for the time being. It hadn't really hit me yet. My father asked what we are going to do about Samantha. I had no idea because we hadn't talked since I left. Dean was taking care of her at the moment. Before my father could give me any of his advice I told him that I would talk to Dean the next day and we would get everything figured out. My father was content with that answer.

I decided it was time to change the conversation. I had to get to the main reason I needed to talk to my father. I started by telling my father that I took a little road trip while he was out on a hunt with Sam. My father just sat and waited for me to continue. I told him that I went to Minnesota and met a very interesting person while I was there. My dad looked a bit confused as to where I was going with this story, but allowed me to continue. I explained that the person's name was Adam Milligan. Once I said the name my father knew what I had figured out. He got very upset and told me I cannot say a word to Sam or Dean. I wanted to know why. John was protecting the kid from his lifestyle. He knew that once Sam and Dean found out they would want him on the road with them. He wanted to make sure at least one of his kids had a normal upbringing. My father demanded that I forget about Adam and made me promise not to tell Sam or Dean. After I made the promise to my father he excused himself.

I sat in my father's office processing everything. It made sense why John didn't tell Sam and Dean about Adam, but it was going to be difficult to keep it from them. I kept thinking about how I felt when I found out about Christina. Sam and Dean will be pissed at me if they ever find out that I know about Adam. I must've been sitting in my dad's office for awhile because before I knew it Sam entered the room. He leaned against the doorway and asked why I didn't come upstairs. I told him that I completely forgot. He asked if I wanted to talk. There wasn't really much I could say since I promised my dad. I told Sam that it was nothing. Sam wasn't buying it, but wasn't going to be pushy. He said that he was there to listen when I was ready to talk. I stood up and walked over to Sam. I pulled him in for a hug and then gave him a quick kiss.

Shortly after our little discussion we moved upstairs to take a nap. It felt great being able to sleep in Sam's arms without any sort of guilt. We ended up sleeping longer than we planned. We were both so comfortable in each other's arms. When I woke up I had forgotten about the rest of the world. All that matter at that moment was being with Sam. He was still asleep when I woke up. I pulled myself closer to him and breathed him in. Sam's scent is so intoxicating. My hand had found its way under his shirt and I was stroking his abs and chest. It didn't take long for Sam to wake up after this. He gave me a kiss on the forehead and asked me how I slept. I kissed him on the neck and told him that I slept great. I looked up at Sam and could tell by the look on his face that he had one thing on his mind.

Sam placed his hand on my ass and pulled me up so that I was facing him. I stroked his cheek with the back of my hand. Sam was about to kiss me, but I moved so that I was on top of him. I ran my hands along his sides and took his shirt off of him. I didn't think it was possible, but Sam's body had gotten even better since the last time I saw it. He hides it under those ridiculous plaid shirts. I had to take a moment to glance over his body. Sam was watching my reaction and I could tell he liked it. After I took in his body I finally went in for the kiss. Sam placed his hands on my back under the shirt. He pulled me into him and was about to take my shirt off when there was a knock at the door. It was my father. He informed us that Dean and Samantha were downstairs. Sam took his hands out from under my shirt while I shouted at my father that I would be down in a minute.

Sam and I got out of the bed to get ready. While we were getting dressed Sam asked if I knew why Dean was here. I had no idea; my guess was he wanted to talk about Samantha. Once I was ready I started heading towards the door, but Sam cut me off. He cupped my cheek in his hand and said that no matter what he was here for me. I pulled him in for a kiss and then opened the door.

Dean was sitting in the living room with Samantha waiting for me. As soon as he saw me walking down the stairs he got up off the couch and waited for me at the bottom with Samantha in his arms. When he saw Sam walking behind me he looked very upset. Sam politely greeted Dean, but Dean just grunted back. I asked him as nicely and as calmly as I could why he was here. He handed Samantha to me and said that he would be back to get her in a few days. Then he turned around and headed out the door. I was super confused. Where was Dean going? I handed Samantha to Sam and ran after Dean to get an answer.

Dean was about to get in his car when I stopped him. I asked him where he was going. He just answered, "Away." That answer wasn't good enough for me. I asked him again where he was going. He said that he didn't need to answer me anymore since we are no longer together. He looked up at the porch. I turned around to see Sam standing outside the front door with Samantha. Dean was pissing me off. I walked towards him and said that we may no longer be together, but he was still the father of my child. I needed to know where he was going to be in case there is an emergency. Dean was about to give me an answer when my phone went off. I took it out of my pocket and was surprised to see it was Adam calling me. I was a bit confused as to why he was calling me. I pressed ignore. When I looked up Dean was already in his car. He turned it on and then told me that he was going to Lisa's. Right after he told me that he drove off.

I turned around and saw Sam and Samantha just staring at me. As I walked up the steps to the front door my phone went off saying I had a voicemail. Sam asked me who called me. I just told him that I had no idea. He suggested that I listen to the voicemail because it might be important. Adam's voicemail was really of no importance. He said that he really enjoyed meeting me the other day and asked if I wanted to grab a bite to eat sometime. He said to call him back whenever and that he looked forward to hearing back from me. After I listened to the voicemail Sam asked who it was. I told him it was Jose calling for Tomas. I wasn't sure if Sam bought it, but he moved on.

Sam put Samantha on the ground so she could walk around. Dean had dropped off a bag of her clothes and some toys. I took some of her toys out so she could start playing with them. As soon as she was distracted by the toys I got up and walked over to Sam. He was just standing in the doorway watching Samantha and me. I put my arms around his waist and pulled my body into his. Sam put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me in even tighter. We stood there embracing each other while watching Samantha play with her toys.

I'm happy to have Samantha here with us, but I can't help thinking about what Dean is doing over at Lisa's. I know that we broke up and I've basically moved on with Sam, but I still think about Dean. He's probably thinking the same thing with Sam and me. He knows that I am here with Sam.

On another note Adam has called me a few more times. You'd think he'd get the hint that I am not interested, but I guess he is a Winchester. Once they get their mind set on something they do not give up. I should probably pick up one of the times he calls to let him know I'm not interested, but he picks the worst times to call.

July 27, 2011

Sam, my father, and I are headed out on a hunt. My father got a call from his old buddy Rufus. Rufus needs as much help as possible. He said that there are so many demons and they seem to be multiplying. My father got Sam and I as soon as he hung up with Rufus. I called Annabelle to take care of Samantha while we are gone. She showed up a second after I called her. While I was on the phone with her Sam called Dean to let him know about the hunt. Dean said he would meet us there.

The three of us hopped into my dad's car and we are now headed for River Pass, Colorado. We have been in the car for about five hours now. My father has been driving the entire time. Sam and I are in the backseat. My father has already commented on how he feels like our chauffeur since no one is sitting in front with him. We have about ten hours left until we get to our destination. It sounds like this hunt is going to be a difficult one.

Aug 2, 2011

I was right it was going to be a difficult hunt. It didn't even turn out to be demons; it was something completely different. Before I get to what it was let me tell you about the crazy hunt.

When we arrived near the town we found the only bridge into the actual town was down. We knew this meant we were going to have to take the rest of the trip by foot. Before we made our way across Sam called Dean to find out how close he was. Dean had about two hours until he was going to be with us. Sam informed him about the bridge and then told him to be careful. Once Sam hung up with Dean we grabbed our guns and holy water from the trunk. Sam handed me my guns and put the hand gun behind my back for me. He could see some of the fear in my eyes and he told me he would make sure nothing happened to me. He pulled me in for a hug and gave me a quick kiss. I knew my father was watching us while he was getting his guns ready. He slammed the trunk shut and asked if we were ready.

Once we had our guns and holy water ready we made our way across the broken bridge. Sam showed his incredible strength as we went across. It was kind of a turn on, but I knew this wasn't the time or place to say anything. It took us about ten minutes to get across the bridge. When we were finally across it looked like Armageddon. There were cars smashed into polls and abandoned in the streets. Sam and I walked next to each other while my father walked behind us. We were all shocked by how destroyed the town was.

Sam and I were discussing what could possibly have done all of this when a woman came out of nowhere and started running at us with a gun pointed our way. When she got closer I realized that we knew her. It was Ellen. The three of us started yelling at her that it was us and to lower her gun, but she wasn't listening. She grabbed a water bottle out of her pocket and sprayed Sam with it to make sure he wasn't a demon. After she found out he wasn't a demon she lowered her gun and then brought us to a church. The rest of the survivors were down there.

Ellen knocked on the door so we could be let in. Ellen grabbed me before I could walk in and asked where Dean was. I told her he was on his way, but was a few hours behind us. She could tell by the look on my face that things between Dean and I weren't very good. Before she could ask me about my relationship with Dean I told her that it was over between us. She gave her sympathies and gave me a hug.

After she hugged me we entered the room. There were about ten people in the room. They all looked so worn and beaten. This isn't something they were ready for. It seemed sort of impossible to them. My father asked Ellen where Jo and Rufus were. She admitted she didn't know because they got separated and she hasn't heard from them since. For all she knew the demons got them. Sam told Ellen that we needed to get the survivors out before they could get hurt. Ellen sarcastically told Sam that was a great idea, but they already tried that and over half of them were taken.

My father started looking over their supplies and told Ellen that they were going to need a lot more. One of the locals said there was a sporting goods store nearby that should have guns and rock salt. All three of us jumped up and said we would go. My father said that only two people needed to go. I saw how they were looking at me and I knew that meant I was staying behind. I immediately started telling them I was going, but both of them said it wasn't necessary for me to go. They insisted that they could handle it together. I asked why it had to be the two of them instead of me with one of them. My father decided to pull the parent card and told me I was staying with the civilians with Ellen. Sam could see how pissed I was and pulled me over to the side. He said that he would feel better knowing I was safe in the church. He suggested that I start giving the civilians a lesson on how to handle weapons. I realized there was no use in fighting them. I gave Sam a quick kiss and told him to be careful and to watch out for my father.

I started setting up the weapons so I could give the civilians a lesson. While I was setting up Ellen came over. She mentioned how Sam and I seem pretty close now. I just nodded and agreed. I didn't feel like getting into my personal life. I asked Ellen if she wanted to help with the lesson. She nodded and said of course. Once I had everything set up I started the lesson. I showed them how to load the shotgun and shoot it properly. I had each of them run through the lesson in front of me so I could make sure they understood. One of the civilians ran through it with no effort. I could tell that he had practice. He told me that he served in Fallujah and then he asked where I served. I wasn't sure how to answer the question so I told him that I served in Hell. Of course he didn't buy it.

Shortly after my lesson Sam and my father were back. They had also met up with Dean. Each of them had two bags full of supplies. They placed them on the tables and started taking the stuff out. It was obvious that Dean was avoiding me. I decided it would be best to help my father out so that I wouldn't start any drama between Sam and Dean. My father gave me a few packs of shotgun shells and some rock salt. I found a table to sit down at and started filling the shells with salt. Austin, the military guy, came over and offered to help. I quickly showed him what to do and he got to work.

While we were loading the shells I noticed Sam and Dean talking with Ellen. Ellen looked like she was headed for the door. Soon all three of them were headed towards the door. I got up as quickly as I could and ran over towards them. My father noticed them getting ready to leave. I grabbed Sam by the sleeve of his jacket and pulled him back. He turned around and said that they were going to help Ellen find Jo and Rufus. I turned around to get my gun while telling them I would join them. Sam and Dean both objected and said to stay in the church. I guess Dean did still care about me. My father wanted to join them too, but agreed that we should stay back and watch the civilians.

I felt so useless just sitting in the church. I had already packed about a hundred shotgun shells. I sat back down by Austin. He could see the frustration on my face. He asked where Sam, Dean, and Ellen were going. I told him that they were going to look for Ellen's daughter. I wanted to go with them to help, but they insisted I stay behind. I feel like they think I'm an amateur. Austin said that it was clear to him that they care about me and were afraid that I would get hurt. I knew that, but I still wanted to help.

We sat around waiting for them to get back for about two hours. Finally there was a knock at the door and I heard Ellen shouting for us to open the door. She and Dean walked through the door and shut it behind them. I couldn't help but notice that Sam wasn't with them. I sprang out of my chair and asked where Sam was. Dean said that they took him. My father asked Ellen if she found Jo and Rufus. She nodded and said that they were possessed. It didn't make any sense to her because she knows for a fact that Jo wears an anti-possession charm.

While my father and Ellen were talking about Jo, Dean pulled on my arm to get my attention. He said that holy water and salt didn't work against them. They didn't react at all to them. I thought about what Dean said and what Ellen said about Jo having the anti-possession charm and asked Dean if it was possible that they weren't demons. He shook his head and said they had black eyes. I asked him if it could have been a hallucination. Dean wasn't buying it, but my father had overheard us talking and agreed with my thoughts. I ran over to Austin and asked him if anything strange happened over the past few days besides the demon attacks. After some thought he remembered that the river water was polluted about a week ago. It was the same night that there was a huge shooting star. He said he was outside taking his dog for a walk when he saw it. I thanked him for the information and then told my dad what I found out.

It took my father about five minutes to figure out what we were dealing with. He grabbed one of the bibles off the bookshelf and opened it to Revelations. I knew this couldn't be good. My father read from the scripture Revelations 8:10-11, "…and a great star fell from heaven, burning like a torch, and it fell on a third of the rivers and on the springs of waters. The name of the star is called Wormwood." I had no idea what that meant. Dean and I sat there waiting for my dad to explain, but the priest sitting a table over got there before my father. The priest explained that the omen was a prelude to the four horsemen. Dean recalled seeing a red Mustang on Main Street. He asked the priest which one road a red horse. The answer was War. Dean realized my assumption that it was a hallucination was correct. War was pinning the town against each other by having them think the other is a demon. That explained why holy water and salt didn't work.

We had to figure out how to kill War. It wasn't going to be easy. My father had no idea how we would get rid of him, but he knew that we had to get to Rufus and Jo. If we are thinking they are demons then they are thinking the same about us. They had Sam and they were going to try all the tricks to get rid of the demon inside of him. We had to focus on getting them to realize we are not demons.

As we were discussing things one of the civilians we thought was taken started banging on the door. We unlocked it and let him in the room. He was panicking saying that the demons were getting ready to attack us. Dean tried to calm the guy down by telling him they weren't really demons. It was a hallucination. The guy winked at Dean and we realized that he wasn't a civilian he was War. Before we could do anything War backed up and yelled that the four of us were demons. The civilians grabbed their guns and started coming towards us. Dean grabbed my arm and pulled me out of there with him. The four of us ran as fast as we could to get away from the civilians.

Ellen and Dean led us towards the place Jo and Rufus were hiding. My father and I took the back while Ellen and Dean took the front. There was a fire escape in the back that led to a balcony on the second floor. I had my father give me a boost so I could pull the ladder down. I ran up the fire escape as quick as I could. I looked through the window at the top and saw Sam tied to a chair underneath a devil's trap. I opened the window and saw a line of rock salt in front of it. That made me laugh since we weren't really demons. Sam was relieved to see me. Once I got through the window he said that it was War. My father climbed through the window while I told Sam we figured that out. It took my father a little longer to get through the window. I had to help him out a little. He's not as limber as me.

I untied Sam while my father made sure the coast was clear. As soon as I finished untying him I asked if he was okay. He said he was fine and then we heard a blast downstairs. We ran out of the room and down the stairs to find Ellen fighting Jo and Dean fighting Rufus. After a bit of a battle they finally got the message through that it was War and he was causing people to hallucinate. Rufus admitted that it made sense and then we heard gunfire upstairs. We had to get everyone to stop fighting each other. Sam said that War's power came from his ring. If we removed his source of power he would be useless. Sam and Dean said they would go after War and the rest of us should stay back and stop the civilians from killing each other.

Sam and Dean ran out the back while the rest of us split up to stop the fighting outside. Rufus ran upstairs to stop the snipers up there while the rest of us went outside. I figured the best way to stop some of them was to just knock them out. I had stopped a few on our side, but then I saw Ellen was struggling with one of the civilians. He had a knife on her throat and she couldn't get him to back off. I ran over to help her out. I pulled the man off of her and shoved him against the wall. I grabbed the knife out of his hand and gave it to Ellen. As I was holding the man against the wall Austin saw me and tackled me to the ground. Ellen also got attacked by another civilian so she couldn't help me out. I kept yelling at Austin that I wasn't a demon. He didn't believe me since he thought my eyes were black. He pulled out his knife and I tried to fight him as much as I could, but he had the advantage on top of me. I could feel the blade against my throat when all of a sudden he pulled it away. He apologized and got off of me. He helped me up and looked rather embarrassed that he was about to kill me.

Ellen and I met up with the other three in the front yard. We figured that Sam and Dean had gotten War. The five of us started walking towards the main street to find Sam and Dean. We were all exhausted. After about five minutes of walking we spotted them. I was glad to see both of them in one piece. They ran over to meet up with us. Sam ran right to me and asked me if I was okay. Little did I know I had some cuts and bruises on my face. He started inspecting them with care. I could see Dean glaring at Sam; so I backed away and told Sam that I was fine. I knew it had to be hard for Dean to see Sam and me together. Sam got the hint and backed off.

We all walked across the bridge together and then quickly parted ways. Dean stayed behind with us. We found a park nearby and had a drink to celebrate a successful hunt. I sat down on a bench and just thought about what might be happening next in our lives. This is just the beginning of the apocalypse. We have three more horsemen to deal with and War is probably the easiest. I sat there staring at the ground thinking when I noticed someone sit down next to me. They started rubbing my back and said something, but I didn't hear what they said because my head was in another place. I quickly snapped back. It was my father sitting next to me. He was thinking about the same thing I was. He wasn't going to sugar coat what was about to happen in our lives. The next few months are going to be extremely difficult. It is going to be even more difficult for Sam and Dean. They are the true vessels for Michael and Lucifer. My father put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into him. I put my head on his shoulder and continued drinking my beer.

My father and I sat in silence for about a half hour until we were interrupted by Sam and Dean fighting. I had forgotten they were even at the park with us. My father and I got up to find out what they were fighting about. At first they were just shouting at each other, but while my father and I were making our way over Dean shoved Sam into a picnic table. My father and I started running towards them so we could break up the fight. My father got there before me and pushed the two of them apart. I asked them what they were fighting about. Dean looked at me and told me to take a wild guess. I didn't know how to respond to that. Dean didn't really give me time to respond. He turned around and started walking away. He was pissed off.

I wasn't sure if I should go after Dean or stay behind with Sam. I asked Sam what set off the fight. He said that they were just discussing the apocalypse and then Dean just snapped all of a sudden. Sam wasn't sure what he said to get him so upset. I glanced over at Dean who was sitting on a bench with his back to us. I asked Sam if he was sure he had no idea what set Dean off. I told him to really think about what he had said. Sam went through his conversation with Dean and realized what might have set him off. Sam had mentioned to Dean that he and I had been trying to find another way to end the apocalypse. That was when Dean snapped at Sam. I wanted to know what Dean said to Sam. He basically yelled at Sam for stealing me from him. Sam explained to Dean that he lost me all on his own by sleeping with Lisa. That was when Dean shoved him into the picnic table. I knew I had to have a talk with Dean after Sam shared this with me.

I took a deep breath and made my way over to Dean. I sat down next to him and said that Sam explained what happened. Dean didn't really seem to care and continued looking at the ground. His attitude was pissing me off. He was the one that cheated. I couldn't take it anymore and shouted at Dean that I am no longer with him. I reminded him that he was the one that messed it up and ruined our marriage. I told him that he had no right blaming Sam for breaking us up. Sam was the one who made sure I wasn't unfaithful to Dean. Dean knew I was right, but didn't want to admit it.

After about a minute of silence Dean got up and started walking towards the others. I followed him. He admitted that I was right and said he didn't deserve me. I could tell that he didn't really believe what he was saying. He was just saying it to make me happy. He got into his car and said that he would pick up Samantha on his way back to Lisa's. Then he drove as quickly as he could down the road.

Sam and my father came over by me. Sam put his arm around me for support and my father asked me if it was true that Dean cheated on me. I forgot that I hadn't told him about Dean and Lisa. I nodded and told him it was true. My father started shaking his head and then muttered that he was going to murder Dean. I told my father not to murder Dean because then Samantha would be without a father. My father took a moment to calm down and then suggested that we hit the road. Sam said he would drive since my father drove us the entire way to Colorado.

After another fifteen hours in the car we arrived back at the Singer Salvage Yard. Dean had already picked up Samantha and left for Lisa's. I was kind of glad he did because I was exhausted when we got home. Knowing that I didn't have a baby to attend to made me sleep much better. Annabelle was waiting for us when we got back. She wanted to make sure I knew Dean took Samantha. I thanked her for watching Samantha and then she left. All three of us went to bed as soon as we got home.

I can't believe that we took down one of the four horsemen. This really makes me wonder what else we are going to encounter. We need to figure out a way to end the apocalypse without Sam and Dean saying yes to Lucifer and Michael. There has to be a way.

Aug 8, 2011

So Sam and I have decided stay at my apartment for a while. My father has been super annoying since he found out Sam and I were getting back together. He is treating me like I am a teenager again. It's not like Sam and I are really trying anything too crazy, but we would like our privacy sometimes. I finally had it and told my father that we were going to my apartment.

I have to admit it was a bit weird going back to the apartment knowing Dean wasn't coming back. However, it didn't take me long to adjust to it being just Sam and me. Sam is much more enjoyable to live with. He has only been sharing the apartment with me for a few days and I haven't had to tell him to clean up his dishes or close the cereal boxes. Sam will even get up before me and make us coffee. He makes the best coffee and knows exactly how I take it.

It has been nice not having Samantha around. I feel like a terrible parent saying that, but she can be a handful sometimes. I have been able to sleep in and the apartment has never been so clean. I don't have to watch where I walk all the time.

Sam and I went out for our first date in a long time a few days ago. It was a pretty good date. We went to the Italian restaurant that we had gone to all those years ago. It was just as amazing as I remembered it. Sam basically recreated that entire date. After we ate he had us take a stroll to the park. He had a blanket and found a secluded area for us to look at the stars together. Even though the date was the same we weren't the same people. So much has changed since that first date. Our lives were so simple back then. I was only concerned about losing my virginity. Now I have a daughter with Dean and the apocalypse is going on as we speak.

The two of us sat and stared at the stars for about two hours. Neither of us really said anything the entire time. It was so relaxing to just stare at the stars in silence. Both of us had so much to think about. Finally after two hours, Sam mentioned that it was getting late and suggested we head back home.

The entire way home I had a feeling that both of us had one thing on our mind. I could see the look in Sam's eyes that he was lusting for me as much as I was lusting for him. I kept catching him glancing over at me. After driving for about ten minutes I decided to start teasing Sam. I complained about how hot it was in the car and took my top off. I had a cami underneath that was skin tight and very low cut. Sam couldn't believe that I had just taken my shirt off like that. He was staring at my breasts in awe and almost ran us off the road. Sam tried his hardest to focus on the road, but he was having some trouble. Sam decided to drive a little faster so we could get home sooner.

Once Sam had the car parked he got out of the car as quickly as possible and ran over to my side of the car. I was just getting out of the car when Sam was standing right in front of me. As soon as I got out Sam shut the door behind me and pinned me against the car. He wasn't going to waste any time. He pulled me in and started kissing me. It felt amazing. Sam's hands had found their way to my lower back. His hands were inching their way under my shorts. His lips had moved to my neck and were moving towards my chest. I had almost forgotten that we were still outside my apartment until one of the residents in my building came out to walk her dog. I pushed Sam off of me, but the woman gave us a look of disapproval. I embarrassingly apologized to the woman and dragged Sam inside.

I couldn't help but laugh as we walked up the stairs to my apartment. Once we entered the apartment Sam slammed the door shut behind us, kicked off his shoes, and started unbuttoning his shirt. As he was unbuttoning his shirt he walked towards me. He started kissing me as soon as he finished unbuttoning his shirt. I slid his shirt off and then led Sam into the bedroom. Once we were in the bedroom Sam turned me towards him and took my cami off of me. He quickly unbuttoned my shorts and slid his hands along my sides to lower them. Sam pushed me onto the bed and stopped to stare at my partially naked body. I had forgotten that Sam hadn't seen me naked in a long time. The last time we had sex I was a demon in another body. My body has definitely changed since then and so has Sam's. I'd like to think that our bodies have gotten better looking over the years.

After Sam gave my body a once over he continued where he left off. He quickly took his jeans off and climbed into the bed with me. After that things got very physical. It felt incredible. Sam and I slept very well after we were finished. When I woke up the morning after Sam was ready for some more. We didn't want to leave the bedroom.

Eventually we had to leave because our stomachs were growling. Sam threw on his boxers while I just put on Sam's shirt. I didn't have much in the fridge for us to eat, but we made do with what was there. As we were sitting there Sam said that he had been waiting for me for such a long time. He still can't believe how quickly our lives have changed. He is just waiting to wake up and for this to all be a dream. I leaned in towards him, gave him a kiss, and told him it was not a dream.

Sam and I have been pretty hot and heavy for the past few days. I am kind of exhausted. However, I know that once Dean drops Samantha off things will have to slow down between Sam and me. I don't know when that will be since he hasn't gotten in contact with me since he took her to Lisa's. As nice as it is not having Samantha around I miss her a lot. She always makes me smile.

Aug 10, 2011

I had an interesting encounter yesterday. I had just gotten done grocery shopping and was headed for my car. I was in the middle of putting the groceries into my car when somebody knocked me out from behind.

When I woke up I was in a warehouse tied to a chair. There were several people standing in front of me just looking at me. It was clear to me that the female in the middle was the leader of the group. Once she saw I was awake she greeted me. I asked who the hell she was and what she wanted. She sarcastically said that she wants world peace and then said she would get to introductions later. Her eyes turned black right after she said that. I had a feeling she was a demon and that confirmed it. I told her that if she was going to kill me she might as well get it over with. She shook her head and calmly said that wasn't what she wanted. She just had a message for Sam; plus she can't kill me because then boss man will be very angry with her. I told her to get to the point.

She started off by commenting on my sassiness. She could see why the Winchesters liked me so much. I didn't really care why she thought the Winchesters liked me; I just wanted her to get to her message for Sam. She was taking her sweet ass time to get to it. I think she just liked listening to the sound of her own voice. It took a while, but she eventually got to the reason I was there. She said to tell Sam to say yes to Lucifer taking over his body. If Sam doesn't say yes soon she will track him down and force him to say it. I told her that Sam would never say yes to Lucifer. She disagreed and said that either Sam says yes or he moves on to his next vessel. Once he has moved on to his next vessel there is no need for Sam. I already knew who that was. I was the next vessel.

After a moment of silence I told her I would give Sam the message. She nodded and started heading for the door. I hurried up and asked her who she was. I had no idea who was sending the message to Sam. She said to tell Sam that Meg says howdy. She turned around again and headed for the door. She told her minions to rough me up a bit and then drop me off at my car. There were about three of them that head towards me. Each of them would take their turn punching or kicking me somewhere on my body.

After about ten minutes of hitting me one of them finally knocked me out. I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing. It was Sam calling to check up on me. I had been gone for over two hours. Usually a trip to the grocery store lasts about half an hour. I answered the phone so Sam wouldn't be worried and told him I was on my way home. I explained that I ran into an old friend and lost track of time. I checked myself in the mirror before I left the parking lot. I had to see how much damage was done. I knew Sam was going to flip out when I got home. My face didn't look that bad, but it was obvious that I had gotten hit in the face. My lip was cut and was starting to bruise. I had some other bruises forming on my face.

When I got home I checked my face in the mirror one more time before Sam saw me. Sam was taking a nap in the living room when I walked in the door. He grunted hello to me and then continued sleeping. My hands were full of groceries so I excused myself to the kitchen. I didn't notice how badly they had roughed me up until I was putting the groceries away. They had punched me in the stomach several times and had probably bruised a rib or two. Once I was finished in the kitchen I took a deep breath before entering the living room. I had to brace myself for how Sam was going to react.

When I walked into the living room Sam looked so peaceful. I didn't feel like waking him up. I decided to watch television in my bedroom while Sam slept. There wasn't much on so I just decided to put on the news. There is so much crap going on in the world it could really make a person go crazy. I have to wonder how much of it really is the apocalypse and how much is nature taking its course.

While I was sitting watching television Sam woke up and made his way to the bedroom. As soon as he walked in and saw my face he got really concerned and asked me what happened. I turned off the TV and told Sam that a demon tracked me down while I was at the grocery store. I gave Sam the message the demon wanted me to give him. I kept the part about Lucifer moving on to his next vessel if Sam says no to me. I knew that if I told Sam that part he would really think about saying yes. Sam wanted to know if the demon gave me his or her name. I had almost forgotten that part until Sam asked. I told him that she called herself Meg. As soon as I said her name Sam knew who I was talking about and didn't look happy.

Sam explained how he knew Meg. They had met each other about five years ago. Sam had no idea that she was a demon until much later. He can't believe that she is back on Earth. He and Dean have exorcised her twice already. She had to be pretty powerful if that was the case. I asked Sam if he knew what her real demon name was. He had no idea what I was talking about. He has always known her as Meg. That was the name of the girl she was possessing. She had to go by a different name.

I had to find out Meg's real name. I decided I was going to get some help. I gave Annabelle a call and told her to meet me outside my apartment. She was there in a matter of seconds. I got straight to the point and explained to her that I needed her to find out Meg's real name. She said she would try to find out and get back to me ASAP. I thanked her for her help and then went back to the apartment.

I hope Annabelle gets back to me soon. I would really like to know who we are dealing with. I need to know how scared we should be. I'm going to guess that Meg is pretty high on the demon chain. Sam did remember that she was Azazel's daughter.

Aug 14, 2011

Dean finally dropped off Samantha the other day. He had her for almost two weeks. I understand that Lisa's house isn't that close to us, but that was his choice to go all the way to Indiana to be with her. The only reason he even dropped her off was because he is going on a hunt. He and Castiel are going on a hunt together. I guess Dean has found a new hunting buddy. I wonder how much longer he would've kept her if he wasn't going on a hunt. Dean didn't stay for too long after he dropped Samantha off. I tried to ask him what the hunt was, but he ran off before I could ask him.

It has been nice having Samantha back. I didn't realize how much I missed her until Dean brought her back. She has been very good lately. I was a little annoyed when I was looking through her bag and found a blanket that was clearly from Lisa's. As soon as I took it out Samantha wanted it. She has been carrying it around with her everywhere. She has to have it in her crib with her or else she will cry. I don't understand why she is so attached to it.

Aug 22, 2011

It has been over a week since Dean dropped Samantha off and I haven't heard from him since. It would be nice for him to check in every once in a while since he is out on a hunt. I know how dangerous they can be. I don't even know what the hunt was about or where he went. I really hope that he is okay. I've tried calling him several times, but it just goes straight to voicemail. My father hasn't heard from him either. I can tell that Sam is worried about Dean, but he is trying to keep his cool. I really hope that he is okay. Castiel would come find us if he wasn't.

Aug 30, 2011

I can breathe easy because Dean is alive and well. He finally came to pick up Samantha yesterday. However, he was acting a bit strange. He wouldn't tell me what the hunt was about, but he was much more civil than he has been lately. He didn't just grab Samantha and leave. He came into the apartment, sat on the couch, and started making small talk with Sam and me.

Sam made sure to tell Dean about Meg being back. He couldn't believe it. When Sam told Dean about my encounter with her he got very concerned and asked if I was okay. Obviously I was fine. It has been over two weeks since I met Meg. I explained to Dean that I had Annabelle searching for Meg's true identity. Dean told me to give him a call as soon as we find out.

I am glad that he has decided to talk to us again, but I don't understand why he suddenly became so civil. He stayed at the apartment for a good three hours before he excused himself. He was staying the night at my father's and then he was headed back to Lisa's with Samantha. He promised to have her back in about a week.

Once Dean was gone Sam and I were speechless. We didn't know how to interpret Dean's behavior. He had done a complete 180. He seemed so angry the last time I saw him. I guess the hunt was a life-changing one. He'll talk about it eventually or I will get Castiel to talk.

Sept 4, 2011

So I know part of why Dean is acting so differently lately. Castiel told me that Zachariah, another angel, sent Dean to the future to push him to accept his fate sooner. Castiel didn't tell me more than that. I'm guessing that Dean saw something in the future that he's hoping to change. It might be his relationship with me or Sam. I don't know what he saw, but I might try to talk to Dean.

In other news I contacted Annabelle to see how she was doing with her little assignment. She said she had an appointment with a demon that might have some information. She told me that I was more than welcome to join her. I wasn't sure if I should go. I don't really trust any other demons besides Annabelle. Annabelle recommended bringing the colt to protect myself from him. I told her I would think about it. I had to talk to Sam about the idea of going with. Sam will probably want to join me. Meg has messed with his life for too long. Annabelle told me the time and place of the appointment. She hoped to see me there.

As soon as I got home from my meeting with Annabelle I told Sam about our conversation. He wasn't sure if we should go or not. It might be a set up. I understood where he was coming from, but I kind of wanted to go. Samantha was still with Dean and I was getting bored. There isn't much to do around the area. It would be nice to get away from the apartment for a few days. I would also like to be more productive with my time. The apocalypse is happening as we speak. I can't just sit around anymore and watch story after story about another "natural" disaster. Lucifer has to be stopped as soon as possible.

Sam could tell that I wanted to go with Annabelle and finally gave in. He told me that we would go together and if things start to seem fishy than we get out of there. The meeting isn't until tomorrow, but we have to drive all the way to Saginaw, Michigan. That is going to be about a twelve hour drive. We are on the road right now headed towards Saginaw. I gave Dean a call shortly after we left to let him know about Sam and me going out of town. He told us to be careful and wished us luck. We should be in Saginaw in a few hours. Hopefully everything will go well and this demon will have some answers for us.

Sept 5, 2011

Our meeting with the demon went over surprisingly well. He had some vital information about Meg. Let me start from the beginning of our meeting.

Sam and I arrived in Saginaw around ten o'clock at night. We found a motel and stayed the night. The meeting wasn't until four o'clock in the afternoon. We decided to walk around the town. It was a beautiful summer day and the town of Saginaw is very quant. We walked along the Riverwalk for a few hours until it was finally time for our meeting. Annabelle gave me the address and we met her there.

Annabelle was waiting for us outside the house. The house was more like a mansion. It had a gate in front with an intercom system. Annabelle told the person on the other end that we had a meeting with Crowley. Once she said the name of the demon we were meeting I was very nervous. Crowley is the king of the crossroads. He doesn't do anything without getting something in return.

As soon as we walked into the mansion the demons stared at Sam and me. They all knew who we were. Two demons escorted us to Crowley's office. Sam kept me close to him while we made our way down the hallway. One of the demons knocked on Crowley's door to let him know we were waiting for him. Crowley shouted for us to come in. The demon opened the door and then left us.

Crowley greeted us and told us to take a seat. His office was huge. I couldn't help but look at the furnishings. Everything in the room had to be an antique. The chairs he had us sit in were nice leather chairs. He sat behind his desk glancing at each of us. His eyes made their way from Annabelle to Sam and then they finally landed on me. He smiled at me and said that it was great to see me again. I was hoping he wouldn't recognize me, but I was wrong. Sam looked at me confused and asked us how we knew each other. I didn't really want to go into it because I hate talking about my time in Hell. Crowley asked me if I wanted to tell the story or if he should tell it.

I took a deep breath and explained that Crowley tried to recruit me while I was in Hell. He wanted me to be one of his crossroads bitches. I had thought about taking his offer many times, but always turned him down. Crowley chimed in and said that I had true potential. He explained to Sam that I was a hot commodity in Hell. Every demon was trying to get me on their team. Eventually I ended up playing for Alistair's team. I didn't understand why Crowley was telling Sam all this. I sat in my chair glaring at him. I wanted to rip his throat out so bad. I was clenching my fists to hard that my nails were drawing blood out of my palms. He continued and said that I was the MVP of torturers until John Winchester ruined it all. Sam could see how upset I was getting and told Crowley that was enough. We were there to find out about Meg not relive the past. Sam placed his hand on my leg for comfort and support.

Crowley moved on and said that he has Meg's true demon name. I was afraid that he was going to have us make a deal, but he didn't. He paused for a moment and then told us her name. My jaw dropped in disbelief when he told us. Meg is much more powerful than we thought. Her real name is Naamah. She is about as high up as Lilith on the demon chain. In a way she has been a bit smarter than Lilith. She has kept herself in the shadows pretty well. Knowing this didn't make me feel any better.

Shortly after Crowley gave us the information he told us that he had another meeting to go to. We thanked him for the information on Meg. He told us to kill the bitch before she gives him anymore problems and then he vanished. Once he was gone we made our way out of his mansion.

The three of us stood around my car thinking about what we had just found out. We weren't sure what to do with the information. I didn't know much about Naamah other than how powerful she truly is. I told them that we should probably do some research and then decide our next move. They both agreed. Annabelle said she would meet us at my father's house later and then vanished. Sam suggested we stay the night at the motel and then hit the road in the morning. I disagreed and told him the sooner we get to my father's the sooner we can start researching Naamah. It didn't take long for Sam to agree with me.

We were on the road in a matter of minutes. I took the first driving shift. All I could think about while I was driving was what Crowley revealed about my time in Hell. I'm so ashamed of how I behaved while I was in Hell. There is nothing Sam or anyone can say to make me forgive myself for what I did. There is a reason I haven't told anyone about what I did down there. I can't even write about it in this journal. If Sam, Dean, or my father had seen me while I was in Hell they wouldn't recognize me. I was a monster. I was sadistic. I didn't care who they placed in front of me until John appeared before me. I tortured so many souls. Some of them might've deserved it, but there might've been some innocent souls thrown into the mix.

It was obvious that Sam was thinking about the same thing. He kept glancing over at me. I tried to ignore his glances, but I had enough after about three hours. I told Sam to just say what he wants to say. Sam acted like he had no idea what I was talking about. I told him I could see him looking at me. Sam took a deep breath and then admitted that he has always wanted to hear about my time in Hell, but was too afraid to ask. He knows that it is hard to relive those memories, but he has always been curious. All of a sudden the memories of Hell started flooding my head. I had to pull the car over and get some air.

I pulled the car on to the shoulder, put it in park, and got out of the car. I sat on the hood and took some deep breaths. Sam gave me a few seconds to myself before getting out of the car. He sat next to me and put his arm around my shoulders. He asked me if I wanted to talk about what was on my mind. I shook my head and told him there wasn't much to say that hasn't already been said. Sam didn't like that answer and said that I can't keep my emotions bottled up.

For some reason this really aggravated me. I snapped at Sam. I told him that I wasn't like Dean. I'm not dealing with my time in Hell like he did. I asked Sam if he sees me drinking excessively and having trouble sleeping. Sam shook his head and was about to say something when I cut him off. I told him that I have put my days spent in Hell in the past. I rarely think about them. I haven't really thought about Hell in months. Between taking care of Samantha and everything going on with Lucifer I haven't had time to think about it. Sam was having a hard time believing that even though it was the truth.

I was getting annoyed with Sam. I know how stubborn he can be. He wasn't going to stop pressuring me until I give in. I couldn't take it anymore and just gave Sam what he wanted to hear. I started off by asking him if he remembered Dean's memories of Hell. Of course he didn't forget. I told him that was nothing compared to my time. As Crowley stated I was the MVP on Alastair's team. I was into physical and mental torture. I enjoyed torturing souls so much. It was the most amazing feeling to me. The louder they screamed the better. Sam could see how difficult this was for me to tell him and put his hand in mine. I pulled my hand away and turned away from him. I swallowed the tears back and told him that I was a monster.

Sam sat in silence digesting everything I just told him. I just stared at my hands and waited for him to say something. Sam didn't really know what to say. After about two minutes of silence Sam finally thanked me for sharing with him. Then he got off the car and suggested we get back on the road. Sam said he would drive. As I was walking passed him to get to the passenger side he grabbed my arm and pulled me in for a kiss. Sam drove the rest of the way home.

Once we got home I decided to give Dean a call. I told him about the information we received on Meg. He wanted to know what our next plan of action was. We honestly had no idea. I told him that we were going to do some more research on Naamah. My father might have some books with information on the demon. Dean said that he could make a trip to my father's soon if we needed his help. I left it up to him whether or not he comes here.

After I got off the phone with Dean I went to lie down on my bed. Sam eventually joined me on the bed. I was starting to drift off to sleep when Sam's phone went off saying he had a text. He forgot to put it on silence. Sam checked it and then told me that we had to leave. Chuck texted him saying that it was an emergency and need his help ASAP. I was a little skeptic and asked Sam what the emergency was. He had no idea and didn't care. I wasn't in the mood to fight with Sam. I helped him pack and we were on the road about a half hour later. Dean gave us a call to let us know that he was headed to help Chuck. He was leaving Samantha with Lisa.

Sam and I are about an hour away from Chuck. I hope everything is okay. I think we should've found out what the emergency was before we dropped everything, but Sam doesn't work that way. Sam tried calling Chuck to find out and he texted him back, but we didn't get a response. We'll find out soon enough.


	18. Year 2011 pt 5

Newest Entry- Oct 1, 2011

Please comment.

Thank you for reading.

* * *

Sept 8, 2011

Well, our little trip to help Chuck was an interesting one. I could tell something was wrong when we first pulled up to the hotel parking lot. There were about twenty or more black Impalas that were identical to Dean's. If that weren't strange enough there were several people hanging out near the parking lot in costumes. There was one guy with a hook on his hand, which was obviously fake. I was about to say something to Sam when we spotted Dean across the parking lot. It was obvious that he saw the Impalas too and thought something was fishy. He wanted to say something about them, but Sam reminded him that we were here to help Chuck.

The three of us started heading for the entrance when we spotted Chuck pacing outside. Sam greeted him first. Chuck looked surprised to see the three of us. He wanted to know what we were doing at the hotel. Dean chimed in and told him that he texted us that there was an emergency. Chuck looked even more confused because he didn't send us any text.

After a few seconds of thinking he figured out who was behind the text message. It turned out that a super fan of the series "borrowed" Chuck's cell to lure Sam and Dean to the hotel. Becky, the super fan, ran out of the hotel once she spotted Sam and Dean. Apparently she knows the truth behind Chuck's books. She squealed so loud and ran down the stairs to say hello. It was clear that Sam was her favorite. It took her a few seconds to even notice me. She gave me the evil eye and asked who I was. I explained that I am Bobby's daughter, Sophie. She quickly mentioned that Bobby didn't have a daughter. I was about to explain my life a little more, but Chuck interrupted us. He asked Becky if she used his phone to contact Sam and Dean. She nodded and said that she felt they should see what was inside. Right after she said that she ran back inside.

We all turned to look at Chuck for an explanation. He looked even more nervous than usual. He was about to say something when a large man, clearly wearing a toupee, came out to tell Chuck it was time. Chuck waved the guy back in and then apologized to the three of us. Immediately after he apologized he walked into the hotel. The three of us glanced at each other and decided to follow him.

I will never forget what we saw when we walked into the hotel. It was the most amazing site ever. Sam and Dean didn't know what to make of it. Almost every person in the hotel was dressed in the same outfit as Sam and Dean. There were even females dressed like them. They had the same jackets and haircuts as them. It was kind of freaky. A rather large man complimented Dean on his outfit. Dean was confused and asked the guy who he was. He said that he was Dean also and then went to talk with other people. The man I saw earlier with a fake hook on his hand waved it in our faces playfully and said that he was in trouble now that Sam and Dean were there.

Sam and Dean were flabbergasted by what they were seeing. I had mainly figured out what was going on and I wasn't sure if I should laugh or be sympathetic. I started glancing around the room at the different characters in the room. There were some people dressed up as my father. That was kind of eerie. However, the eeriest costumes had to be the few chicks dressed as Ruby. It was sort of funny listening to the conversations going on between the people pretending to be Sam and Dean. They really did act like how some of them were acting. I had to hide my smile from the real Sam and Dean.

Becky spotted us standing near the entrance and made her way over. Dean wanted to know what the hell was going on. Becky explained that it was the first convention for the _Supernatural_ books. She was super excited about it. After she told us what was going on she excused herself. Sam and Dean really didn't know what to say. They stood there watching the people imitating them. We stood by the entrance watching the different characters interact with one another until the large man with the toupee called everyone to come into the conference room.

The conference room filled up quickly. Every seat was taken so the three of us stood in the back. There had to be about two hundred audience members. The large man with the toupee walked onto the stage and welcomed everyone to the first annual _Supernatural_ Convention. He said a few things to pump up the audience until he invited Chuck to the stage.

Chuck was obviously nervous. He gets nervous just talking to one person and now he had a large audience staring at him. I felt kind of bad for him. He greeted the audience and then started taking questions. Some of the questions were normal ones about the book and the characters, but there were some that were a bit strange. One question really aggravated me. The hook man asked Chuck why nobody tells Sam that Ruby is evil. Several audience members agreed with his question. I wanted to storm the stage and defend myself. Sam could see the rage in my eyes and placed his hand on my back to calm me down. Becky soon defended me without knowing. She yelled at the guy and told him to stop reading the books if he didn't like them.

The next question asked was followed by a very interesting answer. The fan asked Chuck what happens to Dean after he goes to Hell. Chuck paused and then said he had good news. He received some money from a wealthy Scandinavian investor and will begin publishing the _Supernatural_ books. Sam dropped his hand from my back in shock. He and Dean unhappily glanced at each other. I wasn't too happy about it either because I was going to be an even bigger part of the series. Chuck could see our reactions from the stage and knew that he was in trouble. Dean was so pissed off that he stormed out of the hotel.

Sam and I followed behind him. Dean started shouting some expletives in the parking lot. He shouted at himself for about half an hour. It didn't help that he couldn't figure out which car was his since there were so many replicas. Sam and I just sat back and let him get his anger out. I knew Sam had to be upset, but he wasn't showing it like Dean. I had to get Dean to stop shouting when the people from the convention started coming outside. The panel had come to a close and several people stepped out for some air. I suggested we go inside and talk to Chuck about publishing the rest of the series. Sam agreed and we all made our way into the hotel.

When we got inside the hotel the crowd moved to the bar. We figured Chuck had to be in there too. Sam ordered each of us a beer while Dean and I searched for Chuck. We found him sitting with Becky. It was obvious that he was trying to put the moves on her. Sam and Dean didn't care. They stormed Chuck and demanded to know why he was publishing more books. His answer was simple. He needed money for the necessities in life. The only thing he knew was how to write those books. They may not be on _The New York Times Bestseller_ list, but they bring in enough money to live. Dean was about to bite Chuck's head off when there was a loud shriek from upstairs. The three of us instinctively ran to see what the scream was about.

It took us maybe a minute to run to the top to find a terrified maid. She told us that she just saw a ghost. The three of us automatically went into investigative mode and started asking her questions. Before she could answer any of them others joined us upstairs. They had their memo pads and pens out ready to write any important details. That was when I figured out it was a show. It took Sam and Dean a little longer to figure it out. I backed away from the crowd and waited for Sam and Dean. They soon joined me and we made our way back to the bar.

As we were walking back we ran into Becky. She was excited because the LARPing had started. She handed each of us a sheet of paper. It looked like it came out of John's journal. It was a contest and the winner received a gift certificate to the Sizzler. I could tell Dean was about to snap. Not only were people dressing up like him, but they turned his life into a game. I didn't feel like playing the game so I went back to the bar. Sam and Dean stayed upstairs for a little bit longer.

Chuck was still at the bar so I sat down with him. He took a deep breath and apologized for the convention. It wasn't his idea. I told him that I wasn't the one he should be apologizing to. About a minute later Sam and Dean came back to the bar. Sam sat down next to me while Dean went to the bar to get another drink. Sam patted my leg with his hand and said that we should probably hit the road soon since there really wasn't a case. I agreed. I excused myself so I could let my father know we would be coming home.

My father was glad to hear there wasn't a real case. He told me to take my time coming back home. He thought it was good for me to get away for a while. We talked for a few more minutes and then I headed back in to the hotel bar. Sam and Dean were nowhere in sight, but Chuck and Becky were still sitting at the table. I asked them where Sam and Dean went. Becky gave me some attitude and asked why I cared. It was clear that she was jealous that I was so close to the Winchesters. Chuck chimed in and said that they went upstairs. I decided to just wait for them with Chuck and Becky.

As I was sitting at the table I couldn't help but notice Chuck staring at Becky. It was obvious that he had a big crush on her. After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence I finally asked Becky about her life story. She glared at me and asked why I wanted to know. I wasn't sure how to answer that question. I simply told her that she didn't have to tell me. We sat in silence again until I excused myself to go use the washroom. I didn't really need to go, but it was getting uncomfortable around Becky. She really didn't like me.

I found a bench in the hallway to sit on. I was rather amused by the different Sam and Deans walking around the halls. There were some costumes that were rather impressive. I hadn't noticed before, but the person dressed up like my father was actually a woman. I couldn't help but smile at that. My father would not be very happy if he saw a woman dressed as him. I sat there people watching for about five minutes when one of the Sams sat next to me. He was actually one of the better looking Sams. He asked me who I was dressed up as. I was about to say no one, but I changed my mind and told him I was dressed as Ruby. He smiled and said he thought that was who I was supposed to be. He then asked me which book was my favorite. I wasn't sure how to answer the question since I had only read a few. I just told him there were too many good ones to choose from. He agreed with my answer. He was about to ask me another question when Chuck came over to chat with me. He had something important to talk to me about. The guy I was talking to was awestruck by Chuck's presence. I told him it was nice to meet him and then went with Chuck.

Chuck escorted me to the empty conference room. I had no idea what he wanted to talk about. He hadn't mentioned the need to talk to me before. We sat across from each other and I waited for him to start talking. He took a deep breath and then asked me if I could help him with the next part of the convention. He was so nervous talking on stage he thought he was going to have a panic attack. I wasn't sure what I could do to help, but I figured I would try. Chuck had already come up with a plan. He thought I could go up as a ghost hunter and tell the audience about the real life of a hunter. He suggested I just stick to telling tales of haunted places. I don't know why, but I agreed to the plan. Chuck thanked me and then left me to write some notes.

An hour later people started coming back into the conference room for the next panel. I had most of my notes written out. I sat down in the front row next to Becky and waited for things to begin. I was getting nervous about going up on stage. I'd never spoken to an audience this large before. Eventually Chuck went on stage to start the panel. In the middle of his speech Sam walked up on to the stage and interrupted Chuck. He pulled him to the side to tell him something. I was trying to listen to them, but I couldn't hear a single word Sam was saying. I stood up and saw Dean entering the room with the entire hotel staff. He had a bag of rock salt with him.

I jumped up on stage and asked Sam what was going on. It turned out the hotel was actually haunted. I was a little peeved that I was just hearing about it, but I moved on. He told Chuck and me to keep everyone in the room and then he started walking towards the door. I went after him because I wanted to be part of the action. Sam was using his long legs to his advantage, but I finally caught up to him right by the door. He and Dean stood there waiting to hear what I had to say. They both knew what I was going to say and already had their answer ready. As I was asking Sam if I can join them, Dean was salting the doorway. Sam gave me a firm no and told me to make sure no one leaves. He quickly explained that they needed me to make sure the salt line isn't broken and that no one gets hurt. He went to give me a quick kiss, but I turned so it was on the cheek. I didn't really want to start anything with Dean. I shut the door after Sam left.

Chuck continued where he left off before Sam interrupted him. He soon asked me to come up on stage. I pulled out my notes and started telling some rather boring stories about haunted places. The audience didn't find my stories boring and looked rather intrigued by what I had to say. After talking for about a half hour I ran out of stuff to talk about. Sam and Dean still weren't back. Chuck joined me on stage and started telling the story of how he lost his virginity. As he was telling his story I noticed the hotel manager about to leave the room. Chuck saw it too. We both ran off the stage as quick as we could to stop him, but we were too late. He opened the door and broke the salt line. I pulled him back into the room, but the ghost of one of the little boys appeared. Chuck grabbed the coat rack and swung it through the kid. He shut the door while I re-salted it. After that things changed in the panel. The audience was curious about what they just witnessed. I wasn't sure if we should lie or tell them the truth. Chuck decided to go with lying to them. He explained that it is all part of the LARPing activity. It looked like most of them bought it, but there were a few that looked skeptical.

I had no idea how much more time the boys needed. I figured they would call when it was all clear. The audience and staff were all getting antsy. I didn't blame them. It had been over an hour since Dean and Sam left. I wanted to leave the room just as much as everyone else. Chuck was trying his hardest to keep the attention of the audience.

About ten minutes later Sam and Dean entered the room and gave us a thumbs up that it was all over. Chuck thanked everyone for coming to the convention and wished them a safe drive home. I pushed through the audience so I could get to Sam and Dean. I wanted to give Sam a hug and kiss, but I held back because of Dean. Instead I awkwardly punched him on the arm and congratulated him on a job well done. He mockingly hit my arm back and thanked me.

It didn't take long for us to hit the road after the convention ended. Sam and Dean said goodbye to their new friends while I said goodbye to Chuck and Becky. Chuck thanked me for going up on stage. Becky apologized for her cold behavior before. She was jealous, but now she realized how great Chuck was. I was happy to see the two of them together.

Sam and Dean eventually came over to say goodbye to Chuck. Once they were through it was time to go home. Dean said he would be by in a couple days to drop off Samantha. I could tell it was still difficult for him to be around me. We said goodbye and then Dean hopped in his car.

Sam and I are on our way back home right now. It will be nice to sleep in my own bed tonight. We should be home soon. I'll probably just go right to bed when we get home. I am exhausted.

Sept 15, 2011

Samantha is back. I am so happy she is here. I missed her so much. She was so happy to see me when Dean dropped her off. He said he would come back in two weeks for her. Before he could get too far I stopped him. I needed to know what he saw in the future. Why was he acting so civil all of a sudden?

I told him that Cass told me about Zachariah and how he sent him into the future. Dean kept refusing to talk about it, but after pressuring him for so long he finally gave in. He told me that Samantha and I were dead and Sam said yes to Lucifer. It all happened because he pushed us away. Zachariah was trying to convince him to say yes to Michael, but Dean learned that he needed to fix the present to change the future. Dean doesn't want to live in a world without me or Samantha. I assured Dean that Samantha and I were not going anywhere anytime soon. I gave him a hug and then he left.

That really did explain Dean's recent change in behavior. It makes me feel better knowing that he still cares about me. He doesn't want to see me dead. This definitely makes it easier for me to be in a relationship with Sam. I'm not so concerned with what Dean thinks.

Sept 29, 2011

Lucifer came into my dream again last night. It had been a while since he made an appearance. I don't know how to take what he told me. I'm trying to figure out if I believe him or not.

The dream started out at my father's house. I was there to celebrate my birthday. Sam and I were sitting on the couch watching Samantha play with her toys. We were so happy. My father came into the room with my birthday cake. It was time to sing "Happy Birthday." After we finished singing the cake was passed out. My father decided to give a speech while the rest of us ate cake. It was a great speech. He told the story about the first time he ever saw me. He knew that I had to be a part of his life. I was the sweetest, most beautiful baby he had ever seen.

While he was giving his speech Lucifer appeared. He stood behind my father and started commentating on everything my father said. He was calling my father a liar, but no one else could see or hear him but me. I thanked my father for the kind words and then excused myself to use the bathroom.

Once I was upstairs Lucifer appeared in front of me. I told him to go away. This was my dream. He pretended like he was thinking about leaving, but said he had to tell me something. I knew he wasn't going to leave my dream without telling me his big news. I let out a big sigh and asked him what he had to tell me. He turned around so quickly and told me it was about my father. My father never wanted me when I was a baby. I shook my head in disbelief and told Lucifer that my father always loved and wanted me. Lucifer said that was not true and snapped his fingers.

Right after he snapped his fingers the scene changed. We were at my father's house, but it was clearly a while ago. It didn't look the same inside. I started looking around the house and realized it didn't look much like a home. There were books and newspapers all over the place. I turned the corner and finally saw my father. He was much younger, but still looked the same. He was still wearing a baseball cap and had a beard, but there were less wrinkles and gray hairs. He also seemed a bit slimmer. My father was in the kitchen cooking and whistling. He was pretty happy.

After watching my father for a while Lucifer finally started talking. He said, "Your father was a bachelor. He was out hunting everyday saving people's lives. He was a hero; but that all changed the day you came into his life."

There was a knock at the door. My father turned off the stove, wiped his hands on his pants, and then went to answer the door. It was John Winchester. He told my father that he needed his help. John moved to the side so Dean could get through. Dean was only about six or seven years old. In his arms was a baby girl. I knew that baby girl was me. My father shook his head and asked John where the baby came from. John explained what happened and how I needed someone to look after me. My father asked him who that person was going to be. It was obvious who John wanted, but my father just shook his head. He told John that he never wanted a kid. John wouldn't take no for an answer. He told my father to take care of me until he finds me a permanent home.

Lucifer snapped his fingers again and the scene changed to my nursery. It was the middle of the night and I was crying hysterically. My father walked in half asleep. He flicked on the light and angrily asked what I wanted. I could tell my father was annoyed, but what person wouldn't be. He was new to being a father. It was only natural for him to be nervous. Lucifer snapped his fingers again and we fast forwarded a few months. I had to be about nine months old.

My father and I were in the car. I was strapped to the car seat in the backseat. My father seemed really nervous. He kept muttering to himself that it had to be done. I turned towards Lucifer and asked him what he was talking about. Lucifer told me to wait to find out. My father started slowing down which meant that we were close to our destination. I looked outside, but didn't recognize anything. My father turned into a driveway and put the car in park.

He sat in the car for a good five minutes before finally getting out. He got out of the car and went straight for the front door. He didn't bother taking me out of the car. Lucifer and I followed behind him. He rang the doorbell and waited for the owners to answer the door. I could hear footsteps approaching the door. It turned out it was Ellen's house. As soon as she opened the door my father told her that everything was in the trunk and I was in the backseat. She asked my father if he was sure he wanted to go through with his decision. I couldn't believe what was going on. My father was giving me to Ellen. My father nodded and told her that it had to be done. He wasn't cut out to be a father. It had been three months and he still couldn't figure out what I wanted when I cried.

Ellen went to my father's car and took me out of the car seat. She held me in her arms and asked my father how he could give up such an adorable baby girl. My father told her that I wasn't so cute when I was crying at four in the morning. Ellen carried me into her house while my father started taking my belongings from the trunk. It took him roughly fifteen minutes to get everything out of his car. He gave me a kiss on the forehead and then drove away. Lucifer snapped his fingers and we were back where we started at my father's house.

I didn't believe what I had just seen. I asked Lucifer how I could be sure that what he showed me was the truth. He told me that he has no reason to lie to me. He hasn't lied to me once. He suggested asking Ellen if I didn't believe him. She would sort things out. What I didn't understand was how I ended up back with my father. I asked Lucifer how long I was living with Ellen. It couldn't have been that long. For all I knew my father came back the next day regretting his decision. However, Lucifer said that I was there until I was four. That couldn't be true. I would have remembered living with Ellen. Lucifer told me to ask Ellen and then I woke up.

I sat in bed processing what Lucifer had just showed me. If this is true it changes everything. It would explain why Ellen is so protective of me. She sees herself as my mother. She basically raised me. I have to find out if this is true. I already gave Ellen a call to meet up. She asked me what it was about so I just told her I needed a woman's perspective on something. We are meeting up tomorrow. I don't know how I am going to react if Lucifer showed me the truth. It changes everything about my childhood. What I would really like to know is why my father changed his mind. How did I end up back in his care? I will hopefully get those answers tomorrow.

Oct 1, 2011

I haven't gotten around to asking Ellen about raising me. When she was on her way she got a call from Jo to go off on a hunt. It was an emergency. She promised to give me a call as soon as she is through with the hunt. In the mean time I have been trying to find answers on my own.

I went over to my father's house and searched for pictures of me when I was a toddler. There were a lot of pictures of me from grade school, but I couldn't find a single picture of myself before I was at least three. While I was looking through the pictures my father came in to his office. He was curious about why I was looking through old pictures. I told him that it reminds me of when times were simple. He sat down across from me and started looking at the pictures with me. I decided to ask him if there were any pictures from when I was around Samantha's age. He got kind of nervous and shook his head. He explained that he was too busy chasing me around the house to take any pictures. When I was older it was easier to get me to sit still. I told him that was too bad because I wanted to compare the two of us. He told me to take his word for it that I looked just like Samantha when I was a baby.

I'm not sure if I believe my father's excuse for not taking pictures of me. It is not that difficult to get a picture of Samantha even when I am by myself. I find it rather interesting that he doesn't have a single picture of me during the time Lucifer said I was with Ellen. I hope Ellen gets through with her hunt soon so I can get some answers.

Oct 8, 2011

My father sprained his ankle today walking down the stairs. He was carrying a bunch of stuff down to the basement and missed a step. I told him it was a bad idea to bring so much stuff down, but he didn't believe me. I wanted to take him to the hospital to get an x-ray, but he wouldn't let me. He said he could tell it wasn't broken. He sprained it pretty badly. Luckily my dad has an entire closet full of medical gear. He grabbed a walking cast and took some painkillers. That's my dad for you.

Oct 9, 2011

Sam and Dean have found Lucifer's location. Dean got a visit from Crowley and he told him where to find Lucifer. He explained that the Colt should do the trick of stopping Lucifer. Dean didn't understand why Crowley was giving him that information. Basically Crowley knows that Lucifer will kill demons once he has full power. Crowley is a little too full of himself to die. As soon as Dean got the location he gave Sam a call. Dean drove over here as fast as he could so we could come up with a plan. My father decided to call Ellen and Jo as well because we needed as many hunters as possible since he can't join us because of his ankle. That was just convenient for me.

Ellen and Jo arrived about three hours before Dean did. We got down to business as soon as they arrived. The entire time we were discussing the plan I was distracted by Ellen. I wanted to talk to her so bad about what Lucifer told me. I kept imagining how it would be having her as a mother. She is so protective of Jo. She didn't want her to become a hunter and I can tell she still doesn't. Would she have been the same way with me? I had to talk to her. We all might die tomorrow and all I could think about was talking to Ellen.

By the time Dean arrived we had figured out our course of action. Basically we were going to go to Carthage, Missouri, find the devil, and shoot him. Sounds a lot easier than it is going to be. It is never as easy as it sounds. It is going to be one hell of a fight, pun not intended, to get to Lucifer. He will have the place guarded as if the queen were in town. Dean liked our plan and we all got down to getting our guns ready.

By ten o'clock we were all finished getting ready and decided to celebrate what could be our last night. Ellen was having a drinking contest with Castiel while Dean and Jo talked in the kitchen. Sam was in the living room with Samantha wondering whether or not we could trust Crowley. He is a demon after all. Sam is afraid that this is all a set up. Crowley made some sort of deal with Lucifer to get Sam near him. I'm not sure which to believe. Both scenarios are possible. Crowley could be telling the truth and rooting for us or he could be sabotaging us. There is only one way to find out.

I sat in the living room with Sam for about fifteen minutes before I finally got up to talk with Ellen. She was getting pretty drunk with Castiel. I didn't want her to be too drunk when I talked to her. Castiel was still pretty sober. I approached them and asked Ellen if we could talk outside. She got up pretty quickly and we made our way outside.

I sat down on the bench outside my dad's house and thought of how I was going to ask Ellen for the truth. Ellen sat down next to me and asked what was wrong. I started by telling her that I needed to know the truth about something. She waited patiently for me to continue. It took me about a minute to gather my thoughts and figure out how I wanted to ask her. I realized there was no gentle way to bring it up. I had to just get straight to the point. Ellen placed her hand on my leg and told me I could ask her anything. I took a deep breath and asked her if she raised me until I was four years old. Her face said it all to me after I asked her. She sat there in shock. She couldn't believe what I had just asked her. I didn't need to hear her response. Lucifer was telling the truth.

Ellen started tearing up and nodded her head. I was furious. Why didn't she tell me? She explained that she promised my father she would keep it a secret. When he came back for me he regretted ever giving me up. He didn't want me to know that he had given up on me for a few years. He was ashamed of himself. My father knew that if I had found out I would lose all respect for him. In a way he was right. I have lost respect for him. All this time I thought he had raised me as a single father. I thought he taught me how to read and count. It turns out it was Ellen all along.

After Ellen told me the truth I was so pissed off. I just wanted to hit something. Ellen could see the frustration in my eyes and explained that it was extremely difficult for her to give me back to Bobby. I had become her daughter. She was willing to put up a fight for me, but it seemed like my father had really changed. Something happened to him that made him rethink having a kid. Ellen wanted to continue being a part of my life, but my father told her it would just confuse me. This didn't make me feel any better about the situation. It just made me that much angrier at my father. Ellen wanted to know how I found out. I told her the truth. I had to hear it from Lucifer. She wasn't sure how to respond. Ellen got up and apologized for not telling me sooner. She pulled me in for a hug and told me that she loves me.

As we were hugging Sam stepped outside to let us know my father wanted to take one last picture of all of us. My father wanted us to meet in the living room. Ellen said we could talk more about everything later. We quickly made our way inside. My father had the camera on the tripod and was waiting for the rest of us to enter the living room. The seven of us congregated in the living room and took the picture. It could be the last picture of the seven of us. Who knows what will happen when we get to Carthage. We are leaving first thing in the morning. I really hope everything goes as planned and we put an end to Lucifer.

Oct 13, 2011

Nothing went as planned in Carthage. Everything went the opposite of smooth. I'll start from when we arrived in Carthage.

We split up into two different cars. I road with Sam and Dean while Castiel road with Jo and Ellen. When we arrived in Carthage the entire town was deserted. It was rather eerie. We each checked our phones to find out none of us had service. We knew that wasn't a good sign. Sam and Dean split up from us to go check out the police station. Castiel just stood by Ellen's car looking around the town. He mentioned that we were not alone. There were reapers all over the town. He warned us that they only gather during a great catastrophe. Castiel said he would find out what was going on and then disappeared.

After Castiel left us we decided to meet up with Sam and Dean to tell them about Castiel's warning. Sam and Dean were basically finished at the police station since there was no one there. Ellen suggested we search the streets for any civilians. When we turned the corner we ran into Meg, the demon that threatened my life. Dean immediately pulled out the Colt and threatened her with it. However, as soon as he pointed the gun at her we could hear the growls of Hellhounds. Sam stood in front of me to keep me safe. He slowly walked backwards so I had no option but to backup as well. Meg invited us to speak with Lucifer, but Dean declined her offer by shooting one of the Hellhounds.

That was when everything got chaotic. The Hellhounds went right for Dean after he fired the Colt. I wanted to help him, but Sam was being extremely forceful. He wouldn't let me passed him. Jo, however, ran after Dean to help him out, but the Hellhounds went for her as well. They started tearing her apart. Dean eventually got her out of there and we all ran into the closest shop. Sam and I salted the doors while Dean and Ellen took care of Jo.

Once we got the doors salted I just sat down in the aisle. I couldn't believe what I had just seen. Jo was torn up pretty good. There was no way she was going to live much longer. Her insides were on her outside. Sam sat down next to me. He put his arm around me and asked if I was okay. I shook my head and leaned into Sam. He kissed my forehead and tightened his grip around my shoulder. I reminded him that we weren't done yet. We still had to find Lucifer. Sam said we had to take care of one thing at a time. Our first priority was getting Jo out of here safely. I was about to say something in response, but we heard Dean trying to get in contact with my father through a radio.

Dean eventually got through and started speaking with my father about what was going on. He told Bobby about Jo's condition. Sam and I sat in the aisle listening to their conversation. My father could tell Dean was upset about Jo, but he got him to focus on the rest of the mission. Ellen came over to explain the reapers Castiel saw to my father. My father knew right away what we were dealing with. Lucifer was planning a ritual to unleash Death, the horseman. My father explained the ritual to us and figured out where it was going to take place. That was about all we needed to know from my father. Before we disconnected my father asked to speak with me. I got up and walked over to the radio. I greeted my father and asked what he wanted. He admitted that he just wanted to make sure I was okay. I told him I was fine considering everything. He told me he loved me and to come home in one piece.

After I finished my conversation with my father we started discussing how we were going to get Jo out of the store with the Hellhounds outside. Jo cut us off and explained that she couldn't move her legs and her guts were being held in by a bandage. She knew she was going to die and didn't want to slow us down or get us killed. Ellen couldn't believe what she was hearing out of her daughter's mouth. Jo continued and told us to build a bomb to slow down the Hellhounds. She would press the button and sacrifice herself. I was on her side, but I kept my mouth shut. I knew the evil looks I would get if I said Jo was right. Eventually everyone else realized it was our only option.

We all gathered the items necessary to build the bomb. Luckily we had run into a hardware store. We would've been SOL if we had entered a clothing store or bank. It took us a few hours to get all the bombs made and placed around the store. Once everything was ready Dean handed the trigger to Jo. He said his goodbyes to her and gave her a kiss on the lips. Sam said his goodbye next. He gave her a hug and she told Sam to treat me well. I wasn't sure how to say goodbye to Jo because we were never really the best of friends. I don't remember the time we spent together as kids.

Ellen kneeled down next to Jo after we had said our goodbyes. I thought she was just going to say some final words to Jo, but she wasn't getting back up. I realized she was staying behind with Jo. I couldn't believe it. I just found out that she raised me and now she is going to die. I couldn't fight the tears any more. I started pleading with her to reconsider. She pulled me down so she could give me a hug goodbye. She apologized for leaving me after everything, but it needed to be done. Sam told me we needed to go. The three of us ran down the fire escape. Right before we got to the bottom the bomb went off.

We ran to the Impala and drove to where my father said Lucifer would be. We had a few hours until the ritual would take place. None of us said a thing for the first fifteen minutes. We were all processing the death of Jo and Ellen. I couldn't believe they were dead. I just found out Ellen raised me. There was so much more I wanted to find out from her. She probably had a bunch of stories from my childhood. I have her to thank for raising me into the person I am today. My father had some influence on my upbringing, but it was mostly Ellen. I will never get to know her. I didn't realize that I had started crying until Sam moved to the backseat with me.

Sam put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into him. Dean mentioned that he never thought I was close to Jo or Ellen. I told him that I didn't think I was either until a week ago. Sam pulled away a little bit so he could look at me. He asked me what happened a week ago. I told them both about what Lucifer showed me and what Ellen told me. Neither of them knew what to say. It made sense to them why I was upset over Ellen's death. Dean reached his hand over the seat and patted my leg. I could see the sorrow in his eyes.

After a few more minutes of grieving I took a deep breath and asked Sam and Dean what our next course of action was. Dean said that the plan was for me to stay in the car while he and Sam took care of Lucifer. Sam was on board with the plan, but I had a problem with it. I wanted to help and be part of the action. I didn't want to just sit in the car and hope everything was going okay. I immediately started disagreeing with their plans. They didn't care what I had to say. The two of them had already made up their minds. They just witnessed the death of two close friends they didn't want to add me to the list. After some thought I finally gave in and promised not to leave the car until they came back. Dean didn't trust that I would stay in the car and wanted to handcuff me, but Sam thought it was ill-advised. Last time he did that I ended up in the hospital for weeks.

Sam and Dean started getting ready for their fight against Lucifer after I promised not to join them. I sat on a tree stump, conveniently located next to the Impala, while the boys rummaged through the trunk for stuff. I was so nervous. I hated that I wasn't going to be with them. What if something went wrong? What if one of them ended up hurt? What if both of them got hurt? Once I heard the trunk slam shut I knew that meant they were about to leave. I got up and walked over to Sam. He immediately opened his arms so I could give him a hug. I gave him a quick kiss on the lips and told him to come back alive. After I finished hugging Sam I made my way to Dean. Even though we were broken up I still loved him. I gave him an equally big hug and told him the same thing. He gave me a kiss on the forehead and said they would be back in no time. He then gave me the keys to his car and told me to get inside.

I absolutely hated those hours I spent alone in the car. Time passed by so slowly. I had nothing to do to pass the time and all I could think about was Sam and Dean. I had no idea if they were making progress. As I was sitting in the car I realized that we hadn't heard from Castiel since he went to check out why the reapers were in town. It wasn't like him to just vanish and not come back without an explanation. He had to be in trouble.

While I was thinking about Castiel the ground started shaking all of a sudden. I knew that couldn't be a good sign. I was about to get out of the car to see what was going on when Castiel appeared in front of me with Sam and Dean. I started the engine and waited for them to enter the car. Dean opened the driver's side door and told me to slide over so he could drive. I didn't really put up a fight and slid over. Sam hopped into the backseat and Dean started putting Carthage into the rearview mirror.

After five minutes of driving I finally asked them what happened. I pretty much knew the answer, but I needed to hear it from them. Sam explained that the Colt didn't work and Lucifer was able to raise Death. There wasn't much else to the story. I could tell there was something else bothering Sam, but he didn't want to say anything. I didn't really know what to say when they gave me the news. It felt like Ellen and Jo died for no reason. We completely failed and two people had to die.

It took us roughly ten hours to get to my father's house. He was waiting for us in his office. I could tell that he was pretty bummed about Ellen and Jo passing. He has known both of them a long time. He trusted Ellen to take care of me for several years. Dean turned on the news so we could hear about the tragedy in Carthage. I don't know why he wanted to hear it. I think it just made matters worse. It was like a huge slap in the face. I personally didn't care to see it. I left and went to the kitchen to get some water.

Sam followed me to the kitchen and sat down at the table. He didn't really know what to say. I sat down next to him and asked what else happened with Lucifer. He wasn't sure what I was talking about, but I knew there was something Sam wasn't sharing. Lucifer said something to Sam that got under his skin. I put my hand on Sam's and told him he could tell me anything. He knew I was right and took a moment to gather his thoughts. He took a deep breath and then explained that Lucifer told him that he would say yes to Lucifer within six months in Detroit. I assured Sam that I would make sure that doesn't happen. I will make sure he stays strong. Sam didn't seem very convinced, but he thanked me and gave me a kiss. Shortly after our little discussion Sam and I made our way home with Samantha.

It was nice to be home. I just wanted to curl up under my covers with Sam and forget all about what happened. Samantha was tired and went straight to bed. Sam and I got ready for bed and curled up next to each other. It didn't take long for either of us to fall to sleep. I had some terrible dreams that night. I kept dreaming about Ellen and Jo's death and the apocalypse. I was tossing and turning for most of the night.

It has been a few days since we went to Carthage and we are still recovering. I've wanted to tell my father that I know the truth about my childhood with Ellen, but it never seems like the right time. My father is having a tough time dealing with Ellen's death. They were very close. I'm still dealing with her death as well. Eventually I will say something to my father, but for now I am going to keep quiet. He came back for me and I will find out one of these days.


End file.
